Waiting (rewrite), Book 2, Chapter 10
After living through hell for months, Yamato is finally free from Ken and ready to move on with his life. But are things ever really that simple? Sequel to Untold Secrets. References to rape/sexual abuse and suicide. Some violence/swearing.
[Digimon] M, drama/hurt/comfort, 5338 (85444) words, published 02-25-14
UPDATE This chapter is the final version
previous chapter
Waiting
by: butterflie
chapter ten, turmoil
Book Two
all of your flaws and all of my flaws,
when they have been exhumed
we'll see that we need them to be who we are
without them we'd be doomed
there's a hole in my soul
I can't fill it, I can't fill it
there's a hole in my soul
can you fill it? can you fill it?
you have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve
and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground
dig them up; let's finish what we've started
dig them up, so nothing's left untouched
- Bastille, flaws.
Once Taichi had left, I curled up into a ball at the head of my bed, feeling completely emotionally drained. I felt like I had done nothing but cry since Friday evening, and I'd forgotten how exhausting it could be. It didn't help that I hated myself every single time I broke down. I hated crying, and I especially hated crying where other people could see me. It made me feel weak and worthless.
It also didn't help that memories of Sento holding me down and pulling a knife on me were bouncing around in my head, overlapping with memories of Ken doing the same thing, both of them taunting me with cruel smiles and harsh words. The nightmares of last night were there as well, disturbing images of things that had never actually happened flashing through my mind.
And to top it all off, I now had Taichi to worry about. He'd been so upset yesterday when I'd told him about Kento and Sento, spewing such hatred and death threats I'd rarely ever heard from him. He'd said he was just venting, but today I could feel how his body went taut with anger when I'd mentioned them again, and I was afraid he would do something stupid. Admittedly, Taichi had grown out of his hot-headed temper better than I had, but it could still flare up if he was sufficiently provoked. The last thing I wanted was for him to try and get revenge somehow. Things were already enough of a mess without him making it worse.
I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut tight, pressing my fists against them, trying to banish all my thoughts. I didn't want to remember any of this, didn't want to have to think about any of it!
A knock on my door had me groaning a second time, knowing it was Dad coming to check up on me yet again. He'd been doing it all day, wanting to know if I was hungry, if I wanted anything, if I needed to talk. And this right after I'd asked him to stop pushing so much...
"What is it?" I called out listlessly, opening my eyes and uncurling as I rolled to face the door.
Dad poked his head in through the doorway. "I was thinking about ordering some take-out, anything in particular you want?"
"Not hungry."
Dad sighed. "You need to eat, Yamato. You haven't had anything all day."
I shut my eyes again, resisting the urge to snap at him again. He was just worried. I could order something small to appease him. Didn't mean I had to eat it. "Fine. Something simple and small, then. Rice, or soba, or something."
"Okay, I can do that," Dad said, and I felt glad I'd done so when he looked so relieved. "Will you be okay alone here if I go pick it up?"
"I-" I paused, wondering if Dad had started picking up on the fact that I never stayed home alone anymore if I could help it. After all, he had taken a sick day today when I refused to go to school. He had no real reason to do that, it wasn't as if I'd had any panic attacks. Still, I wasn't ready to admit it out loud to him, even if he did know. And I needed to start getting used to being alone again. Surely I could handle twenty minutes while Dad went to get some food. "I'll be fine," I finally said. "Go ahead."
"You sure?"
I nodded. "I'll even do up all the locks."
But despite telling Dad I'd be fine, it didn't take longer after he'd left for the silence to start making me antsy. It didn't matter if he would be back soon, being home alone was just nerve-wracking. Ken still hadn't been caught since his escape, and even though I didn't think he'd come back here again, I couldn't be one hundred percent certain. And I hadn't stopped worrying about Taichi, which only added to my anxiety.
Sighing, I rolled over and grabbed my cell off my bedside table, deciding it had definitely been enough for time for Taichi to be home by now, and it wouldn't hurt to call and make sure he was there, just to ease my worries. I dialled the familiar number and waited for someone to pick up.
"Hello, Yagami residence," Hikari's sweet voice answered politely.
"Hi, Hikari. It's Yamato. Is Taichi there?" I asked, trying to sound calm.
"No, he's not here. We actually thought he was at your place. Do you want me to have him call when he gets in?"
My heart dropped down into my stomach upon hearing those words. I swallowed, trying to tell myself not to immediately jump to irrational conclusions. Just because he hadn't gone home right away didn't mean he was out hunting down Kento's gang... but still, he should have been home, and he hadn't indicated he was going anywhere else when he left here. "No, no, that's okay... Listen, he was over here, but he left a while ago, said he was heading home. He should have been there by now. Could you maybe do me a favour, see if you can find him?"
"Find him?" she asked, sounding a bit confused.
I nodded automatically, before realising she couldn't see that. "Yeah. I... I told him some things that made him upset and angry, and I'm afraid he might do something stupid."
She let out a resigned-sounding sigh. "He can still be hot-headed occasionally," she agreed casually, but I could hear the slight hint of worry in her voice now. "Alright, I'll call some of the other Chosen, see if they've heard from him. Have you tried his cell?"
Immediately I felt like an idiot. I hadn't even thought about calling his cell. "No," I admitted. "I'll do that now. Call me if you find him, or have him call me, please?"
"Of course," she said warmly. "And the same goes for you."
"Thanks, Hikari."
I hung up the phone and let it drop to the bed, once more pressing my hands against my eyes. I was starting to get a headache. And now I had more of a reason to worry about Taichi and just what he might be getting himself into. I just hoped he hadn't done anything too stupid. I needed him to call me back and reassure me that nothing had happened.
Call... oh, right. I snatched up my phone again and dialled the number for Taichi's cell. Then I sat there listening to it ring. Once... twice... After five the voicemail kicked in, Taichi's cheerful voice apologising for not being able to answer, but leave a message and he'd call back as soon as he could. I ended the call without bothering to leave a message. If he could have answered, he would have. There was nothing to do now but just wait, and hoped that either he or Hikari eventually called, and that he was simply out on an errand without having a charged phone. At least the worry for him was distracting me from the anxiety of being alone.
A few minutes later I heard the locks on the front door turning, and bolted up, a reflexive thread of fear running through me. "It's just Dad," I muttered reassuringly to myself, knowing he was the only one besides me with a key to all the locks. And indeed, a few moments later I heard Dad's voice calling out to me, letting me know he was home.
I relaxed the tight grip my fingers had on my blankets, and gave myself a moment to calm down before I got up and went into to the kitchen to greet him. He was standing at the table pulling out the boxes of take-out, and he looked relieved to see me walk into the kitchen completely fine. Apparently I wasn't the only one who didn't like for me to be home alone anymore.
"Hey, Dad," I said, and went to grab down some bowls and chopsticks for us to eat with. I still wasn't hungry, but I figured I could have a few bites to make him happy and keep him from worrying so much. As I was quickly finding, worrying so much about someone else's well-being really wasn't fun.
We ate in silence, Dad finally deigning to leave me alone now that I was out of my room and eating. I was glad, as I didn't think I could make any sort of small talk. I was still too distracted listening for my phone to ring. Unfortunately, it was at least an hour, possibly longer, before I finally heard the familiar ringtone of my cell letting me know Taichi's cell was calling for me. I quickly scrambled off the couch where Dad had forced me after supper, lunging for my phone in the kitchen where I'd stupidly left it. I answered it immediately, my heart pounding anxiously. "Hello? Taichi?"
"It's Hikari."
"Hikari? Is Taichi okay? Did you find him?" I asked urgently.
I heard her let out a long sigh, which only made my anxiety ratchet up a notch. "Taichi's fine, he's not hurt. Jou found him. But it's not good news."
My stomach plummeted in dread. "What happened?" I asked, suddenly not sure I wanted to know.
There was silence over the line for a moment. I waited nervously, wondering just how bad it was if she couldn't even find the words to tell me. But, she had said Taichi was fine, so surely it couldn't be too bad...? "It's not something I really want to explain over the phone," she said at last. "Look, we're down at the hospital right now, and Taichi's not allowed to leave just yet, do you think you could come down here? We'll let you know what's going on then."
The hospital? What the hell was going on? Fuck, had he gotten tangled up with Kento's gang somehow? But he wasn't hurt, and I didn't see him surviving an encounter with them unscathed... And why the hell couldn't he leave? "Not allowed to leave? But you said he was fine!" I protested, thoroughly confused.
"He is, I promise you, Yamato. Please, just come down here."
"Okay. I'll find a way somehow. I'll see you soon then."
"Okay. I'll be waiting out front for you."
We said our goodbyes and hung up, and I lowered the phone slowly. Taichi was fine, but he was at the hospital and he wasn't allowed to leave. I really didn't know what to make of that. Shaking my head, I decided not to dwell on it and just get down there. I turned to Dad, who'd abandoned his television to watch me, concern in his eyes. "Everything okay?" he asked.
I shrugged. "Not sure. Can you give me a ride?"
"Where to?"
"The hospital. Apparently Taichi is there, but he's fine, he's just not allowed to leave."
Dad frowned, and opened his mouth to say something, ask a question maybe, but I shook my head before he could. "No, I don't know why he's there. Hikari said she'd explain if I went there to meet them. So could you take me, please?"
After a moment's hesitation, Dad agreed. "Alright. Go get some decent clothes on and we'll go."
"Thanks, Dad." I went over and gave him a quick hug, surprising us both, and went to get dressed.
* * *
Once we got to the hospital entrance, I barely let Dad stop the car before I was flinging the door open and jumping out, looking around frantically for Hikari as I tossed a harried goodbye to Dad over my shoulder. I finally spotted her, but not before spotting a couple of police cars and a few uniformed officers milling around nearby. I wondered what they were here for; I doubted it had anything to do with Taichi. The sight of them made me uneasy; it reminded me of being at the station reporting Ken. That had almost been worse than the things Ken had done to me, in a way.
Most of the officers hadn't really believed me. Like many of my classmates, they had wondered if I was just lying because of a "lover's spat" or some such nonsense. They harassed me for waiting so long to report it, and when presented with the evidence the hospital had saved, along with the information about my broken wrist and stab wound, they made me retell every single little detail about the things Ken had done to me, over and over, insisting they would need it because Ken would surely fight such an accusation and they didn't want me trying to back out or change my story later. I'd never been so humiliated or hurt, and Dad had been literally shaking with rage at the end of it, but it was worth it when they went to arrest Ken and he confessed right away and didn't even fight any of it.
But that was done and over with; in the end they'd had no choice but to believe me, and now I was here for Taichi. I caught sight of Hikari just inside the main entrance doors, waving to me. I waved back to let her know I'd seen her, and then hurried over. "Where's Taichi?" I asked as soon as I reached her.
"He's upstairs, in a waiting room along with my parents. Come on, I'll take you up and then either Taichi or I can explain what's going on."
I nodded, grateful, and followed her over to the bank of elevators. When we reached the waiting room, Taichi was sitting in a little cluster of chairs right near the entrance, and his parents were standing further off to the side, talking to a policeman. I stopped short in the doorway when I realised it, suddenly confused and unsure. Were the police downstairs here for him after all? Just what was going on?
"Yamato!" Taichi jumped up, and came over to pull me inside.
"Taichi? What's happened? Why are your parents talking to the police? Why are you even here?"
He sighed, and a look came over his face, one that I hadn't seen in awhile but one that filled me with trepidation nonetheless. It was his "I've just done some stupid that you're really not going to like" look. Sure enough, the next words out of his mouth were, "I did something stupid."
"What is it?" I asked, the apprehension clear in my voice. I really hoped this didn't involve Kento's gang, but the appearance of the police had me unsure.
"I really didn't plan to, I swear Yamato, I didn't. You have to believe me."
"Taichi, just tell me."
"I... I ran into Kento's gang on the way home."
I groaned, ignoring the sudden tendrils of fear that were creeping through me at Taichi's words. Fuck. It wasn't hard to guess at least some of what he'd done next. "Tell me you didn't," I begged.
"They were beating on some little kid, you should have seen him, Yamato, he couldn't have been more than twelve, he just looked so pitiful. I couldn't stand seeing them doing it. I just kept remembering what they'd done to you, I charged right in without thinking. I don't even really remember most of it, I just completely lost it. When I was aware of things again, Jou was pulling me off Sento."
"How bad?"
"What?" Taichi looked confused, perhaps expecting me to yell at him. I didn't bother, there was no way to take back what he'd done, and I couldn't exactly get mad at him when I'd wished I could do the same thing myself. I just needed to know how bad it was, needed to know whether I had a chance of losing Taichi, or what retaliation we might be facing.
"How bad is he? We're at the hospital and your parents are talking to a police officer, so I doubt Sento just got up and walked off after you beat him up."
"Um..." Taichi looked nervous, eyes darting around the room as if he could find a way to avoid answering me.
"How bad, Taichi?" I repeated patiently, though I wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him until he answered, aggravated that he was stalling. Surely he knew how serious this was.
"He was unconscious," Hikari spoke up. She'd gone over to the seats Taichi had vacated, sitting quietly and just listening to us, but she must have figured Taichi wasn't going to give me a straight answer on just what he'd done. "Taichi got him pretty good, they're not even sure if he'll make it. Some internal injuries or something. He's in surgery right now."
I stared at her for a moment, and then went over to the seats myself, slowly sinking down into one. "How did the police get involved?" I asked faintly.
"Jou had to call an ambulance for Sento." Hikari sighed. "Taichi said all four of them were there when he came across them, but they had apparently run off before Jou ever got there, and Jou thought it would be better to report it to the police instead of waiting for anyone in Sento's family to get them involved. It looks better on Taichi that way."
"And if...?"
"Sento dies?" At that, Taichi started, shifting around on his feet uncomfortably. He'd been listening to us, but made no effort to rejoin the conversation or come sit down.
I nodded shakily.
She looked straight at me, her eyes solemn. "It could be involuntary manslaughter. But, Taichi is still considered a juvenile, they might be lenient. There's no way to know for sure. All we can do is wait."
"Right then," I said faintly, and then there were no more words after that.
* * *
An hour later found me still waiting at the hospital with the Yagami family. I could have gone home, and even sort of wanted to just because I was so exhausted still, but at the same time, Taichi had supported me so much, I wanted to be the one to support him for once. So I sat there in the uncomfortable chairs, doing my best to ignore the tension in the room and just be there for my clearly anxious boyfriend.
And he was definitely anxious about everything, though he tried not to show it. But I could see it in the shadows in his eyes, and the in slight hunch of his shoulders, and in how often he smiled, trying to pretend that everything was fine. I could also see that he was worried about how his parents were acting. They seemed perplexed, like they weren't quite sure how to take the fact that their son had nearly beaten another boy to death. Mrs. Yagami kept hovering around him, reaching out as if she wanted to pat him, but then pulling her hand back at the last second like she couldn't bring herself to. I watched it all with a strange sort of fascination, wondering if she'd ever actually manage to touch him.
Eventually, I couldn't stand it any longer. I hated the waiting, and the longer we waited, the more anxious Taichi became, and that just made me more anxious as well. I stood, looking at Taichi. "I'm going to go take a short walk, stretch my legs for a bit. I'll be back soon, okay?"
Taichi nodded to indicate he'd heard, and I headed out. I walked aimlessly down the halls, not really paying attention to my surroundings. I didn't want the reminder of where I was; I'd come to hate hospitals, having spent far too much time in them over the past few months. For a little while I just got lost in my thoughts, wondering whether Sento would make it and crazily hoping he would live. I would have just as soon had him dead, but not by Taichi's hand. I didn't want to lose Taichi, and I didn't want him to have to live with the stigma of having killed someone for the rest of his life.
When I turned a corner and bumped into someone, I automatically flinched and then started to apologise, until I looked up and noticed just who I'd bumped into. Kenji was standing there, rubbing his nose. All apologies immediately flew from my head; all I could do was stand there and gape.
"Kenji?" I asked in confusion.
He looked at me, then frowned. Looked away. "Hey," he said simply.
I couldn't figure out what reason he'd have to be here. He looked fine, and Taichi hadn't mentioned him doing anything crazy to land in the hospital... and he wasn't in a hospital gown, there was also that. "What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same thing," he replied, neatly evading my question.
"I'm waiting with Taichi. It's a long story," I said dismissively. "What's yours?"
He started to reply, but before he could get any words out, a new voice interrupted us. One that made my blood run cold.
"Hey asshole, the bitch you call ‘mom’ asked me to get you, she wants to talk to you."
Slowly, I looked past Kenji to see the other teen standing just behind him. I didn’t want to look. I felt like I’d just been tossed in the middle of someone else’s nightmare.
Kento was standing just behind Kenji, sneering at him. I swallowed hard. "No," I whispered. Crazy notions were suddenly running through my mind, notions I didn't want to be true.
Kenji flinched as I spoke. He wasn’t looking at me. Or Kento.
Kento noticed me when I spoke. He glared at me for a moment, then slowly smirked. “Ishida. Such a surprise to see you here.”
I didn’t respond, though I heard the unspoken word in that sentence. Alive.
He treated me to another smirk, then disappeared back down the hall the way he'd came. I looked at Kenji, who was now looking at me oddly. It was only then I realised I had been whimpering and shaking ever so slightly. I willed my body to stop, but the shakes refused. I hadn't seen any of them since they'd landed me in the hospital, and having Kento so near without warning was making me flashback. Determined, I forced my body to calm down, to stop shaking and to take deep, regular breaths. The last thing I wanted was to have a panic attack, though the flippant thought passed through my head that I couldn't be in a better place to have one.
Staying calm did nothing to help the horrible, sickening thought in my head, however. "Kenji?" I winced when I heard myself. My voice was broken and high-pitched; I sounded terrified. Small wonder.
Kenji stiffened when I said his name, but gave no answer.
"Kenji!" I pleaded.
He flinched again, but finally looked at me.
"You... you never said why you were here." I wanted him to deny it, to give me some other reason for being here, something plausible I could readily believe, even if I knew in my heart it wouldn't be true.
He still didn’t respond. He just stared at me, his eyes solemn and huge. He knew I knew, that I'd figured it out when Kento had spoken. And he would have immediately pieced together what I was doing here as soon I'd said I was waiting with Taichi.
"Please," I begged him.
"Yamato, I’m sorry," he finally said, and his voice cracked as he said it.
"You’re related to them. Kento and Sento."
"Brothers." The word was spoken very quietly, so soft I almost didn’t hear it. Just the same, it knocked the world out from under my feet. Almost literally.
Kenji didn’t offer to help me up, just looked at me as I sat there on the floor, unable to get up, all my strength gone after his bombshell. "I have to go," he said, and he really did look apologetic, but it did nothing to help mend my world. Then he turned and left without another word.
I somehow managed to crawl to a bathroom and throw up.
* * *
Taichi looked up when I finally made it back to the waiting room a good half hour later. I knew I looked pretty pale, and I wasn't entirely steady on my feet. But Taichi barely noticed, too absorbed in his worries about Sento making it. "Hey," he said. "That was a longer walk than I thought it would be."
"I have to go home. Right now," I blurted out, then winced. Whoops. I hadn't meant to say that. So much for my plan of pretending everything was cool.
Taichi looked confused, and ready to protest, so I quickly tacked on an excuse. "Being back in the hospital is making me feel panicky. I'm sorry." It wasn't even really a lie, it just wasn't the reason I wanted to leave. I felt bad that I wasn't able to stay and support him, but I still felt as if I were going to fall apart at any second, and I didn't want to do it here, not here in front of everyone where they'd worry and doctors could be called to my side at any second.
His look changed to one of concern, and he nodded. "Right. Probably best you do leave then. Thanks for staying this long."
"No problem." I ran a shaky hand through my hair. "Call me when you know something?"
"Yeah," he said slowly. "Whether he makes it or not, I'll call you when I can."
I nodded, my mouth suddenly going dry. I didn't respond verbally this time, afraid that I'd be sick everywhere if I did. Taichi nearly killed one of Kenji's brothers, one that had nearly killed me. It was only really beginning to hit me just how much of a mess we were really in.
I gave Taichi a quick hug, then turned tail and nearly ran out of there, back to the bank of elevators and down to the lobby, where I ducked outside and breathed in huge gulps of the cool night air, trying to recover a bit. At last I felt well enough to grab my cell out of my pocket and dial home, waiting impatiently for Dad to pick up. "Come get me please," I said when he finally answered, and then cursed myself for sounding on the verge of tears, knowing it would trigger his parental worry. Thankfully though, Dad didn't take the time to question me, simply told me he'd be there shortly and to wait out front for him. I hung up, and then stood there hugging myself until he arrived. I climbed into the car silently and buckled, still doing my best to stay calm.
"Are you okay?" he asked in lieu of a greeting.
I shook my head no, and we rode home in silence, my mind still in turmoil. Halfway there, the shakes hit again, but I managed to hold off on the crying until we'd gotten to the apartment where I promptly crawled under my blankets and finally let go, the entirety of the day hitting me hard.
After a minute, I heard Dad walk in, and then the bed dipped down as he sat on the edge next to me. He gently pulled the covers off of my head, and then smoothed back my hair, the same way he used to when I was little and had a bad dream. It only made me cry more, desperately wishing that all the hurts of the past months could just be a bad dream that was easily soothed away with a kind touch and comforting words.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked me quietly.
I hesitated, honestly not sure whether I wanted to get Dad involved in all of it, but he was the one that kept urging me to talk, and-he was worried. He hadn't said so, but he didn't have to. Like I'd told him, he was my dad, and I knew he was always going to worry. He deserved to know. I gave a tiny nod, and before I knew it everything came pouring out of me, my tears lessening the more I talked. How Kento's gang had beat me up after I'd ran from Dad when he'd discovered Taichi and me together, how Sento had ran his knife down my cheek and how it had reminded me of Ken running a knife down my thigh, how I'd been so fucking sure I was going to die that day and how much I didn't want to...
Dad listened to it all quietly, letting me talk and not interrupting any. I'm not sure he really knew what to say.
"I told Taichi after our date yesterday... he was really angry. He was ranting and cursing against them, saying he wanted to hurt them for hurting me... and then today I mentioned that I was scared to go to school because I was afraid they'd somehow know I'd told on them, and he got so angry again, even though he tried to hide it." I stopped, taking a couple of deep breaths. The tears were threatening again. I really didn't want anything to happen to Taichi. Trying to distract myself, I resumed talking, going on to explain how Taichi had run into them earlier and what he'd done.
"Damn," Dad remarked grimly when he heard how bad off Sento was. "I hope for Taichi's sake that the kid lives."
"Me too," I said, voice trembling slightly. "But I would have been fine if it was just that, if it was just waiting to see if Sento lived. But-but I went to take a walk. And I ran into Kenji."
"He's in your band, right?"
I nodded. "He's our drummer. And I couldn't figure out what he was doing there. He looked fine, and I didn't know of anyone in the hospital he'd be visiting. And, and he wouldn't tell me why he was there. And then Kento came up behind him... God, they're his brothers!" I cried, my voice rising in distress. "Kento and Sento are his fucking brothers!"
"He never told you this?" Dad asked, looking confused. "You never saw them at his house before?"
"He never let us go to his house. He always said his mom didn't like people over, and he was so insistent that after a bit we just accepted it and never asked again. He didn't say it was because his brothers were fucking criminals!" I couldn't seem to keep calm, oscillating wildly between fear and anger at the knowledge of Kenji being related to them. "Oh God, they have to know Kenji and I are in the band together, they could easily find a way to get to me if they wanted, I can't believe he's fucking related to them! Why didn't he tell me?"
Dad watched me sadly, still petting my hair every so often. He didn't have much to offer other than words of sympathy, but for the time being it was enough, and eventually I felt myself beginning to drift into sleep, the exhaustion of the day finally catching up to me. I was in a floating in a pleasant haze of half-formed slumber when Dad finally got up to leave the room. He flipped off my light, and there was a pause of footsteps before his voice softly rumbled back to me, "We'll figure this out, Yamato. You don't have to deal with all of this alone."
His voice was soothing, and his words made me feel safe and cared for, something I'd desperately been missing over the past few months. "Love you too, Dad," I murmured sleepily, and then I was out.
chapter ten end. (25 February 2014 0422AM)
soundtrack for chapter ten:
Digimon Adventure/Zero Two/Tamers/Frontier - various, Hanson - A Minute Without You
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