Unequivocal, Chapter 05
Who knew a single drunken mistake could lead to a lifetime of consequences? Yamato sure didn't think so, but now he's got less than a year to figure out how to be a dad and he's not sure he can. Taito. AU for Tri.
[Digimon] M+, family/drama, 3093 (15274) words, published 09-18-16
previous chapter
Unequivocal
by: butterflie Chapter Five
Revelation
"Here." Megumi thrusts a picture at him, nearly hitting him in the chest with it. He blinks and takes it from her, looking down at it. It's another ultrasound. The baby's a little more formed than last time. He can make out a few more features on the face, and the fingers and toes are a bit clearer. "It's healthy," she says matter-of-factly. "No defects or issues that they could find. Oh, and it's a boy."
He jerks his head up at her words, not having expected the last bit and thrown off by the casual way she tacks it on. He gazes at her for a moment, then looks at the ultrasound again. Yep... definitely a boy. He stares down at the picture in a daze for a bit, feeling oddly jumbled up. A boy... he's having a son.
"I... thanks," he manages to choke out around the sudden lump in his throat.
She just nods, giving him an awkward smile, and then she's gone, leaving him alone with an empty envelope and the picture of his son clutched tightly in his hands.
When he gets home a little while later, he lets his dad know he's back and then takes his usual spot on his bed, pulling the picture back out of the envelope. He stares at it for a long time, gently tracing the outline of his baby with his fingers, memorising every line. Somehow, it's starting to feel even more real for him now. In a few months, he'll have a son. A son that shares his DNA, has half his genes, one that he created and will have to raise and care for in some manner for the rest of his life... He's not just Yamato: son, Chosen child, and lead singer of the band Teenage Wolves anymore. Now he's Yamato: son, Chosen child, lead singer, and father.
If he thinks about it too much, it's a heavy and paralysing weight on his chest.
After awhile his dad knocks on the door and pokes his head in. "Yamato, I-" He stops, whatever he meant to say forgotten as he catches sight of the black and white picture in Yamato's hands. "Is that a new ultrasound picture?" he asks instead.
Yamato nods, and holds it out towards his dad. "It's a boy," he says as his dad comes over and sits down on the edge of the bed, gently taking the picture from him. "I'm having a boy." He's surprised to feel a few stray tears sliding down his cheeks. "Sorry," he says with an embarrassed look, wiping them away.
His dad looks up from the picture, smiling ruefully when he spots the tears. "Don't be. I had a similar reaction when your mom showed me the ultrasound picture of you and told me I was going to have a son. It makes it feel a little more real, doesn't it? You can picture having a boy a bit easier than some genderless, unknown child."
His dad hands the picture back to him, and he traces the outline of the baby again, still in awe that this tiny thing is his son. "I can't wait to meet him," he says softly.
"It'll be here soon enough," his dad tells him, reaching out to ruffle his hair. "You'll have to start thinking about names for him soon."
Yamato groans at that. He doesn't even know where to start. He's been so caught up in worrying about raising the kid right that names haven't even crossed his mind.
His dad catches sight of the face he's making and laughs. "Don't worry, you've still got a bit of time yet."
* * *
"How about Lugia?"
Yamato gives his best friend an incredulous look. "I'm not naming my son after a Pokémon!"
"Riku?"
He makes a face. "No."
"Sakura?"
"That's a girl's name!"
"Tohma?" Takeru chimes in with a suggestion of his own. "You could make the second kanji 'yama' like the first part of your name, so he'd sort of be named after you."
Yamato groans. "I don't want to name my kid after me. And you know our parents put my name in katakana. Yours too, even if you made up your own kanji."
Takeru makes a face at him, childishly sticking out his tongue, though there's a hidden mischievous grin dancing in his eyes. "Fine. Tarou?"
"No!"
"Pikachu?" Taichi asks, grinning.
"Taichi!" Yamato complains, an exasperated tone in his voice. "I can't name him any of those! He'd be shunned for life! Especially if I name him after a Pokémon! At least Takeru's are normal, if sort of old-fashioned."
Takeru grins at that, sticking his tongue out at Taichi. "Ha! Mine are better!"
"Not by much." Taichi reaches out and ruffles his hair in return, messing it up.
"Hey!" Takeru protests. He tries to fix his hair with his hands, grumbling, even as Taichi continues to mess it up more.
Yamato just watches them, sighing. His best friend and brother are clearly going to be no help.
* * *
At last spring hols arrive. Yamato's looking forward to it, worn out by the end of year exams and ready for a break before the new school year starts in a few weeks. He really can't wait to just hang out with his friends, enjoying the warm weather and taking one of his last chances to just be a kid before his own kid is born.
Unfortunately, his dad has different ideas. He looks at the recycle shop in front of them with distaste. The building is small and cramped looking, the sign faded and peeling. He's not opposed to recycle shops, but couldn't his dad have picked a better one? He thinks longingly of the new song journal Taichi got him for his birthday, back at home in the drawer of his bedside table. He could be there, writing a new song and enjoying his break, instead of standing on a street in the middle of downtown Tokyo, preparing for a day of torture...
"Let's go," his dad says, and Takeru immediately darts eagerly for the door of the shop, excited to go in and explore. His dad follows at a more leisurely pace, and after a moment's hesitation, Yamato trails behind both of them reluctantly.
The inside turns out to be a little roomier than he'd expected looking at it from the outside, but things are everywhere, loosely grouped by categories of items but having no real organisation otherwise. Yamato hates it.
"It's going to take us forever to find anything in here," he complains in a whisper, not wanting the shopkeeper to overhear.
His dad just rolls his eyes. "No, it won't. Come on. This is your son, so you need to be the one making choices on his stuff."
Yamato sighs but obediently goes after his dad.
Four hours later, Yamato's lost count of how many shops they've been to. Recycle shops, pawn shops, shops in the mall... even a small flea market. His dad's small car is loaded down with baby stuff, and the larger stuff such as the crib and changing table has been arranged to be delivered to their apartment. He's also all too aware of the fact that they didn't buy a single piece of clothing for the baby, and knows there's still at least one more shopping trip in his future. Probably with his mom. He shudders.
At last, his dad declares them done for the day. Both he and Takeru are completely exhausted, their feet dragging as they trudge out of the latest store, Yamato carrying the bag of parenting books his dad has bought him. There's also a baby name book in there, which Yamato hopes will prove more useful than his best friend and brother.
"I'll pay you back, Dad, I promise," he says quietly as they cross the parking lot. "For all of it."
His dad just shakes his head. "Don't worry about it for now."
They climb into the car, Takeru yelping a bit when a box of diapers that was stacked in the seat beside him falls over, the corner catching his head. Yamato buckles his seat belt wearily. He's realising that raising his child is going to be even more hard work than he had thought, and he's really starting to wonder if he can do it.
You'll spend a lot of time doubting yourself, wondering if you did the right thing, wondering if you're really capable of raising a kid.
Ratsuii's words come back to him, and he closes his eyes as he leans his head back against the seat. Perhaps he should take Ratz up on his offer and go talk to him.
* * *
"Hi, Mrs. Kyodai. Is Ratsuii home?"
"Yes, come in. He's playing with Luna in her room. I was just about to go out, I'll show you back."
"Thank you." He slips on the guest slippers and follows her to Luna's room gratefully. He's only been to Ratsuii's house a couple times before, and doesn't quite know his way around yet.
"Ratsuii, Yamato's here to see you," Mrs. Kyodai says, knocking on the door jamb of Luna's room.
Ratsuii looks up from the small pink table he's seated at, and smiles broadly at Yamato as he places his tiny cup of invisible tea back on the saucer. "Hey, Yamato, come in!"
"I'm going out to the store now; I'll be back in a couple of hours. Luna, you behave for Ratsuii, understand?"
"Yes Mama!"
Yamato stands in the doorway uncertainly once she's gone. Ratsuii smirks at him. "Have a seat," he says, gesturing to one of the toy chairs.
"Seriously?" he asks, eyebrow arched, and Ratsuii nods, still smirking.
"I'm sure Luna will provide you with some tea."
Yamato shakes his head and goes over to the purple plastic chair, awkwardly lowering himself on it. He finds the best way to handle it is to sit cross-legged, though it's rather uncomfortable. He takes the toy cup Luna hands him with a slight wince, his attempted smile coming out as more of a grimace. "Thank you," he tells her, and she beams happily at him.
"Ra, who?" she asks, pointing at Yamato.
"This is Yamato," Ratsuii tells her.
"Ma'o!"
He looks confusedly at Ratsuii, wondering if this is how all three year olds talk. He hasn't been around small children much.
Ratsuii shrugs. "Her speech is a bit behind. She's working with a specialist, so should be caught up just fine by the time she starts school."
"Tea!" she exclaims, pointing at Yamato.
"Tea?" he asks, not sure what she's wanting.
"She wants you to drink it," Ratsuii clarifies.
"But there's nothing there!"
Ratsuii rolls his eyes. "You pretend." He sips at his empty cup and then smiles at Luna. "Delicious!" he says, and she giggles. After an uncertain moment, Yamato follows suit, though he feels a bit stupid. He sincerely hopes his son never wants to play imaginary teatime. Though he will probably come up with something equally as embarrassing when he's old enough. It's yet another aspect of parenting that Yamato has yet to give thought to, and makes him feel even more that he's not cut out for this.
They play pretend with Luna for a little longer, and then mercifully Ratsuii declares it nap time, which she goes along with willingly enough. Finally they're alone in his kitchen, Luna already fast asleep in her bed.
"Where are all your siblings at?" Yamato asks as Ratsuii hands him a soda from the fridge. He takes it with a thanks and pops the top with ease, watching the marble drop down before sipping at the drink.
Ratsuii pulls out another chair and joins him at the table. "Koji's at his part-time job at the corner mart. I'm not sure where Kori and Tori are, they tend to keep to themselves and not let the rest of us in on their plans. So, what brings you here? I'm sure it wasn't to have pretend tea with my daughter."
Yamato sighs, and looks down at the table. It's old and scuffed, the dark wood stained with discoloured rings from wet glasses. He traces one with his finger, not sure what to say now that he's here.
Ratsuii watches him a moment, then gently asks, "Already having doubts?"
He shrugs. "Maybe," he says quietly.
"What's got you worrying?"
He shrugs a second time, and then looks back up, indecision shadowing his blue eyes. "Just being stupid, I guess," he mumbles.
"I doubt that. Come on, you went to the trouble of coming over. And you know me well enough by now to know I'm a good listener."
He nods. He does know. "Okay. It's just... I went shopping with my dad and Takeru the other day. For baby stuff. It felt like we got so much stuff, and I still have to get more. And then my dad bought me three or four books on parenting... it was just a lot more than I had expected, or ever knew a baby needed. Diapers, sure. A crib, obviously. Stuffed animals and clothes, makes sense. But, all the other stuff... A changing table? Changing pads? Swaddle blankets? A diaper bag? Even a car seat! I don't even have a car!"
"It freaked you out," Ratsuii says, understanding and empathy clear in his green eyes.
He slumps back in his seat, rubbing a hand at his forehead. Just thinking about everything is starting to give him a headache. "I just didn't realise it would be all of this," he says sullenly, toying with his still full bottle of soda. "I'm wondering now if I'm really doing the right thing."
"When you decided to keep the baby, how did you come to that decision?"
He frowns, feeling confused. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Humour me," Ratsuii says, smiling slightly.
"Well... Megumi originally said she was going to give him up for adoption, and that I could help her find someone to adopt, or not help if I preferred. So I thought a lot about it, how things might go. I came up with scenarios in my head," Yamato explained. "What would happen if I didn't help her, what different things might happen if I did..."
He presses his palms against his eyes, still remembering how thinking about those things happening had left him feeling empty. He lowers his hands again, looking at Ratsuii seriously. "I hated the thought of giving him up, whether I helped or not. The thought of my kid existing out there somewhere, maybe not even knowing I existed, or knowing but never wanting to meet me... I couldn't stand it. Eventually I knew the only choice I had to make wasn't whether or not to keep the kid, it was when to tell my parents I was keeping my kid."
"That's what you need to hold on to then," Ratsuii tells him gently. "When you're doubting yourself, or thinking that you can't do it, or you're doing the wrong thing, or even if other people are telling you that you can't... just think about how you felt at the thought of giving him up, and remind yourself that you can do it. That no matter how difficult it gets, it's worth it because your son is in your life. Remind yourself that he'll grow up knowing he has a father who loves and cares for him and chose not to give him up even if it would have been easier."
"Yeah... maybe so," he murmurs. He drains his bottle of soda quickly and tips it upside down, watching the marble plug the opening, then tips it back the other way, listening to the clink as the marble drops down again. "Did you have to decide about Luna?"
Ratsuii shakes his head. "Not in the way you did. Obviously Tsukiko and I didn't plan it, being so young, but neither of us ever considered giving the baby up. When I found out she was pregnant, I... I wasn't actually living at home at the time. I'd run away several months before. We had plans of her running away with me and raising it together. Of course, it didn't work out that way... And even then, even though I always knew from the start that I wanted the baby, I wondered a lot if we were doing the right thing. So I still have an idea of where you're coming from."
He gets up, stretching quickly before throwing his empty bottle away. "Thanks," he says. "It helps."
Ratsuii smiles, getting up as well. "Anytime," he says. "You know that."
* * *
"Do we have to do this now?" Yamato whines, looking up at the brightly glowing sign that says 'StompStamp.' "The baby's not even going to be born for four more months still!"
"Always be prepared!" Mimi says cheerfully, thrusting a fist in the air.
Yamato stares at her, mild annoyance crossing his features as he folds his arms across his chest. "But four months just for clothes? Isn't that a bit much? And what are you even doing here, anyway?"
"You said your mom was dragging you out for baby clothes today! I told you before I wanted to go!"
"I didn't think you were actually serious," he mutters.
"Oh come on, this'll be fun!"
Yamato just sighs. His mom gives him an amused look. "You might as well get used to it... you're going to be clothes shopping for your kid for many years to come."
He gives her a pained look in return, but heads into the store without another word of complaint.
An hour later they're finally leaving. His arms are loaded down with bags stuffed full of clothes, and he'd had to veto several hideous things that Mimi tried to buy, but he can admit-at least to himself-that he'd had fun. It hadn't been nearly as overwhelming as buying all the other baby stuff, and picking out clothes and trying to imagine them on his future son had made him a bit more excited for the baby to be born, and helped to chase away some of his doubts, if only temporarily.
"See, that wasn't so bad!" Mimi says, poking him in the side.
He bats her hand away and grumbles. "It could have been..."
"Admit it! You enjoyed that!"
"Nope," he says confidently, but she gives him a knowing smile.
"Don't worry, I'll keep your secret," she tells him, and he just rolls his eyes. In Japan, thrift shops are called "recycle shops." Also, I have Yamato going to a baby store called "StompStamp." While a real store in Japan, according to this blog (ameblo.jp/fruitfuldays/entry-11527193138.html), it seems the store didn't open til 2013. So just pretend :P next chapter