so here i am again.
feeling quite the opposite as i did
back in august.

this feeling is so personal.
so meaningful.
i can't tarnish it.
with useless words.
they can't explain
the way my heart aches.

my heart is aching. 87 days. in a way i'm really excited that he is giving me all the freedom in the world to transform from the naive individual i am to something so much bigger than i can even imagine at this point in my life. but i miss him and i'm worried.

it's fucking insane how much your life can change in 7 short weeks. thats just about 50 days. in that time my life has done a 180. in the past two months i have planted so many seeds that will help me gracefully carry on for the next few years of my life. i have a lot that i want to be alive for now.

i hate life right now. my mom comes home for five minutes a day, plops down on the couch and thinks of things she can yell at me for. everyday i come home and she has some note for me calling me a jerk or saying i didnt put my dishes away or something. and it really fucking gets to me because i work my ass off keeping everything around the house ( Read more... )

alright. fuck this. i think my mom is being the most selfish bitch. and i'm sure she thinks the same about me ( Read more... )

I'm really tired of feeling on top of the world one day and trying to convince myself not to kill myself the next. i miss the way i felt when school started and i had so much motivation. and somewhere somehow i lost it. i think i just fell off track and now i'm going to get right back on. and stay on. i will be back to my prefat weight by christmas ( Read more... )

oh god help me. i feel a "tick" coming on. a tick is when something in my brain goes horribly wrong and i just want to kill myself. so i'm staying away from those pills. or atleast handfulls of those pills. i wont do this again. but third time is a charm. trust me when i say i'd rather be dead nowadays ( Read more... )

so ( Read more... )

it's been a while ( Read more... )

sweet 16: brandon came over after school, and on my dresser there was a big boquet of pink roses, and a new pipe, and a bag of cali orange weed, and a lighter. me and brandon had sex :) then we went downstairs, and my mom gave me a portable dvd player and 250$. we went to the mall, so i could go shopping, but brandon would not let me buy anything! ( Read more... )