Eclipse in Fifteen Minutes
Previously on ~*The Twilight Saga*~:
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
New Moon in Fifteen Minutes
Recap: The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner
Many other recaps
So... I got a little loopy on this one. Enjoy.
The Mean Streets of Seattle
[A dark and stormy night! A handsome young man: prey for an invisible predator who terrorizes him like a catpire with a mouse, finally pursuing him to the dead end of the docks. He has nowhere to run! He has nowhere to hide! Finally the creature strikes! He collapses, screaming in agony as the venom takes over! I am... really confused, because this looks like a movie about actual vampires and actual vampiring.]
A Magical Sunny Meadow Filled with Pretty Purple Flowers
[Okay, now I know what movie we’re in.]
[You know what? If we’re going to call this a ~*saga*~, I think we need more Vikings.]
[EDWARD CULLEN was a fearsome sparklepire, bronze of hair and mighty of fangirls, and after many trials that could have been avoided if he hadn't been a total dick, he brought back to his beloved his favorite meadow (he has a favorite meadow), and thereupon fair Bella did recite to him the songs of her English textbook.]
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BELLA:... so I can choose fire
or I can choose ice;
If you don't get that metaphor
I can reread it twice.
EDWARD: That's a nice poem. Marry me.
BELLA: Edward, I'm trying to study!
EDWARD: Marry me.
BELLA: No! I'm too young to get married before I die!
EDWARD: Marriage bridal wedding husband me marry marry marry.
BELLA: NO!
EDWARD: marrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarryme
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BELLA: GOD, IS THIS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LISTEN TO ME WHINE ALL THE TIME?
Casa de Swan
BELLA: Edward, I can have friends other than you. Like, say, Jacob Black. My father wants me to see Jacob. According to this massively passive-aggressive note, Jacob wants me to see Jacob. I want me to see Jacob. SO PUT THE ENGINE BACK IN MY TRUCK.
EDWARD: Only I know what is best for you. You are fragile and meaty, and Jacob doesn't have the same rigid self-control that I do--
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BELLA: Is that--a euphemism or something?
EDWARD: --so I can't allow you to put yourself in harm's way. If you don't want me to watch you sleep tonight, I'll understand.
Bella's Window, Five Minutes Later
EDWARD: She's gonna open the window. She's gonna open it any minute now. Aaaaaany minute now...
Bella's Window, Three Hours Later
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EDWARD: BELLA! BELLAAAAAA! You're supposed to pout for five minutes and then your self-respect crumbles and you let me in anyway! It says so right here in the book! This--this--it's like sleeping on the couch, only there's no couch and there's no sleeping! I'M SCARED AND I'M CONFUSED! BELLAAAAAAA!
Forks High, The Next Morning
MIKE: Hey, remember when the mundanes were pretty much the best thing in the movies?
ERIC: And we're still more ethnically diverse than the Airbender movie!
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JESSICA: FIRE NATION BURRRRN
BELLA: Alice! You're psychically foreseeing something! What is it?
ALICE: *whistles*
BELLA: Edward! You can read her mind! What is she seeing?
EDWARD: *ceiling glance*
BELLA: WHY WILL NO ONE TELL ME WHAT THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT?
Team Jacob Police Headquarters
CHARLIE: Have I mentioned lately that I hate you? Because I do. A lot.
EDWARD: Why? I’m smart, clean-cut, handsome, rich--a good student from a good family who won’t even go past first base with your daughter. I’ve even begged her to go to college and not throw her life away on me. It’s not my fault you raised Bella to define herself through abject codependency on a man.
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CHARLIE: OH NO YOU DID NOT
BELLA: So... we'll be taking that trip to see Mom now!
The Direct Sunlight of Florida
RENEE: Is your boyfriend indoor-only, or something?
BELLA: Yeah... you could say that.
RENEE: Oh! I got you a graduation present! Look, it's a quilt I lovingly made myself from all the t-shirts we got from all the many road trips we took, just you and me, so you can remember all the good times we had when you're at Secret Vampire University!
BELLA: We did stuff together?
RENEE: Of course we did! I'm your mother! That means I occasionally remember I have a kid!
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BELLA: Wow. Unexpected emotion is unexpected. Holy crow, ditching everyone I know to become a vampire might actually be hard.
We Can't Stop Here, This Is Werewolf Country!
[And so the Bronze-Hair gave his forests and his mountain-lions into the hands of his not-kinsmen, so that he might take his beloved to a sunlit shore far, far away from things actually happening, and his not-kinsmen might seek his greatest foe: Victoria, That One Redhead Vampire Who Demanded Vengeance For James, Her Slain Lover, Even Though He Was A Severe Asshole, And I Don't Really Know What Else She Expected To Happen When He Kidnapped The Tasty Beloved, Yea, To Torture And To Eat Her.]
CARLISLE: Look sharp--they've recast Victoria, so she'll be harder to spot!
ALICE: I psychically foresee her coming our way!
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JASPER: GAP AD FORMATION!
It's all about denim this summer!
[But their sparklespeed, their wirework, their new-learnt parkour were all for naught, as the vengeful Victoria had been upgraded, her A-list pixels eluding their grasp, finding safety in the realm of their natural enemies, who were loath to allow intrusion.]
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EMMETT: THE WERES ARE HARSHING MY AWESOME!
The Leader of the Pack (Vroom Vroom!)
JACOB: *marlonnnnn brandooooos*
EDWARD: *jaaaaames deaaaaaaaaaans*
JACOB: *MARLONNNNNNN BRANDOOOOOS*
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EDWARD: *JAAAAAAAAAAAAMES DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANS*
JACOB: SO, BELLA, HAS HE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PLOT YET?
BELLA: About the what?
JACOB: You know, his family hunting Victoria, who has come back to EAT YOU.
EDWARD: I’m sorry, little boy, did you say something?
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JACOB: I don’t know, old man, did you go deaf?
[And so the Savory Beloved did cut class and mount the wererival's motorsteed, while the Tousled of Hair gazed after in deep chagrin, and sought a teacher to tell on herrrrr.]
Werewolf Central
LEAH: GTFO VAMPIRE GIRL
BELLA: Oh, are you a muffin-baking Wolf Girl like Emily now?
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LEAH: No, I'm a GIRLWOLF, which means that I have to share Jacob's werethoughts and listen to him meeble about YOU all the time.
QUIL: lol yeah. BELLA AND JAAAA~COB, WOLFING IN A TREEEEEE--
JACOB: QUIL, GO IMPRINT ON A TODDLER OR SOMETHING
BELLA: What's imprinting?
JACOB: It's a deep, spiritual bond where someone who may or may not yet be toilet-trained becomes your center of gravity. She becomes your whole world. You would do anything for her, you would be anything for her. Anything. All night long.
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BELLA: So... uh. Ew. Yeah. Have you... ew.
JACOB: No, I won't imprint on anyone for at least another 500 pages. But I FEEL like I have! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!
BELLA: SO I'M GOING HOME NOW.
Casa de Swan, That Night
[While fair Bella's kinsman did slumber on his couch, Riley the Gullible invaded to caress her goods and belongings, taking thence a garment for his nefarious plans, and stood before her father, who was also pretty savory-looking, and saw thereupon that her father's case files did have Riley's own name upon them.]
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RILEY: HIS FORCEFIELD OF IRONY REPELS ME!
[And thus did Charlie escape Riley the Creeper, as did Bella, who, as was just sung, was not home at the time, because otherwise this would have been the shortest movie ever (although still pretty satisfying), and Riley's treachery was not discovered until the Bronze-Hair returned:]
EDWARD: BELLA! SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME WAS LURKING AROUND YOUR BEDROOM!!
The Witless Protection Program
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[Okay, that was cheap.]
[Verily, the two enemy clans of bloodsucker and werebeast reached an uneasy truce and a shared custody arrangement, wherein fair Bella would be guarded at all times so that the sparklepires might occasionally snack. And so, before the Bronze-Hair returned to his forests and his mountain-lions, he took leave of his beloved with public roadside makeouts, that not coincidentally did mark his territory before his shirtless rival.]
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JACOB: BELLA, I CAN MASSAGE YOU WITH MY ABS!
BELLA: GIVE IT UP, JACOB!
Werewolf Beach Bonfire
BELLA: Oh, wow, the Ceremonial Telling of the Werelegends? If I'd known this was going to be formal, I would have worn my khaki skirt or something.
BILLY BLACK, JACOB'S DAD: We fictional Quileutes have long had the powers of wolfing out; and so this is the tale of the first Cold One. Our ancestors were a peaceful people, but then Peter Murphy came to snack upon them, and as our ancestors were Bauhaus fans, they felt deeply betrayed. And thus, we fursploded for the first time. And then the Cold One's mate came to wreak her vengeance upon us in turn, because vengeful women robbed of their mates is actually a recurring motif in this series, now that I think about it. So then, when the foreshadowing was darkest, the third wife of our ancestors' chief slew herself so to as to distract the Other Cold One with her blood, because she couldn't possibly just cut her finger or something. And so, in times of trouble, when greater numbers of vampires threaten our tribe, more and more of our young people fursplode--
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SETH, THE LITTLEST WEREWOLF: Like me!
BILLY BLACK: --so as increase the numbers of the pack.
LEAH: AND THAT'S WHY ALL OF THIS IS BELLA'S FAULT. THE END.
Missing Persons Department, Casa de Swan
[And noble Police Chief Bella's Dad Charlie grew more and more fixed upon the case file on one missing-and-presumed-eaten Riley Coffins Pyres Biers.]
CHARLIE: You know, if you ever disappeared, say, with the entire Cullen family under mysterious circumstances, I would never stop looking for you. Ever. Maybe when I died of grief. I would probably stop then.
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BELLA: WHAT IS WITH MY PARENTS AND THIS "CARING ABOUT THEIR CHILD" THING?!?
Werewolf Country Is for Lovers
JACOB: Bella, I love you, and I want you to know this, so we don’t have any wacky misunderstandings--
BELLA: Oh, like the one in the last movie, where you made Edward think I was DEAD?
JACOB: --because I want you to choose me. Choose life, not death. Choose a real future. Choose a guy who can age occasionally, if he feels like it. Choose a family of werebabies with me. Choose fur. Choose abs. Choose tight fitted t-shirts and visible undawears--choose motorcycles, not Volvos. Choose someone who can keep you warm at night, literally. Choose someone who would have sex with you right now.
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BELLA: Jacob, I love you, but I will always love Edward more. Also, it's muddy out here, and "choose" doesn't look like a word anymore.
JACOB: HE-WOLF DECIDE HOW PUNY GIRL FEEL! JACOB KISS BELLA TILL BELLA AGREE!
BELLA'S FIST: *FACEPUNCH*
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JACOB'S FACE: *FISTBREAK*
Casa de Swan, That Evening
JACOB: Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?
BELLA: BAD DOG! NO BISCUIT!
JACOB: Well, at least Edward won't be too mad. I mean, he never gets mad about anything, he just stands there and wrings his hands like a--
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[~*VAMPIRE VOLVO OF GREAT JUSTICE*~]
EDWARD: RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
HE-WOLF NOT EXPECT SPARKLE GUMPTION!
EDWARD [*SPARKLESHOVE*]: IF I HAVE TO RESPECT HER PERSONAL AUTONOMY, YOU DO TOO!
JACOB [*WEREPUSH*]: YEAH WELL I RESPECT HER RIGHT TO CHOOSE!
EDWARD [*DAZZLESMACK*]: I RESPECT THE CHOICE SHE ALREADY MADE!
JACOB: STALKER!
EDWARD: MOUTH INVADER!
JACOB: SLEEP WATCHER!
EDWARD: BAD ROLE MODEL!
JACOB: NO YOU!
EDWARD: NO YOU!
CHARLIE: OKAY, BACK OFF, TWINKLETOES!
JACOB: No... it was me. I laid one on Bella, and she broke her hand. On my face.
CHARLIE: ...
JACOB: Come on, Charlie, you like me better than him! You're supposed to congratulate me in a really obnoxious, paternalistic way!
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CHARLIE: WHAT? What is WRONG with you? WHY THE HELL would I do that?
JACOB: But... Charlie! I'm your best friend's son! You've always wanted Bella to go out with the werewolf next door! I'm practically family!
CHARLIE: *HEADSMACK*
EDWARD: Thank you, Charlie, it really means a lot to me that--
CHARLIE: *SHOTGUN*
Emergency Kitchen, Chez Sparklepire
ROSALIE: GREAT. Bella's gotten herself hurt AGAIN, and Carlisle's fussing over her dumb ass AGAIN, and now EMMETT thinks she's awesome too, just because she PUNCHES WEREWOLVES.
EMMETT: But babe! That was totally--
ROSALIE: *DEATHFACE*
BELLA: Rosalie... why have you spent three movies hating me so much?
ROSALIE: I DON'T HATE YOU!!!!!!!
BELLA: OKAY WELL THEN MAYBE YOU CAN JUST TELL ME WHAT YOUR DEAL IS.
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ROSALIE: MY DEAL is that I was BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT and SOMEHOW RICH in the Great Depression, and all I wanted was A HUSBAND and A BABY, but instead my fiancé invited his friends to ASSAULT ME AND LEAVE ME FOR DEAD, which seems COUNTER-INTUITIVE if you're MARRYING A GIRL FOR HER MONEY, and then CARLISLE FOUND ME and VAMPIRED ME so that maybe EDWARD would WANT ME AND YOU CAN SEE HOW THAT TURNED OUT. Torturing my fiancé to death in the wedding dress I was going to marry him in was fun, though. Good times.
BELLA: *backs away... slowly*
The Mean Alleys of the Mean Streets of Seattle
[And there Riley the Gullible did endeavor to teach his new-turned recruits to vam and to pire, to feed discreetly, hide the bodies, and cover their tracks.]
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RILEY: Okay, ten-car pile-ups and screaming hookers are not discreet. I left you people alone for five minutes and now everything is ON FIRE. I've seen RIOTS that were more subtle. WHY ARE YOU ALL SO STUPID? YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME!!
You. You are why we can't have nice things.
[Far above, Dakota Fanningpire Claudia Jane and her Volturi X-Men observe the chaos.]
COLOSSUS: So this Riley is building an army of extra-strong newborn vampires, and we are keeping an eye on this, because the clairvoyant Cullen is only watching Victoria and our leader Aro, and we are permitting this to happen because we want the Cullens to be neutralized.
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JANE: Colossus, exposition bores me. Don't make me taze you with my eyeliner.
LEECH: Sister, are you at all concerned that Victoria might become too powerful, now that she has been recast?
JANE: Who do you think made them recast her in the first place?
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LEECH: Wow, you really are evil.
Valedictorian Speechatorium, Graduation Day
JESSICA: Now is the time in our lives when we go out into the world and decide what we want to be. We’ve spent our entire lives trying to decide what to be--astronauts, ballerinas, veterinarians--me, I always wanted to be an Oscar nominee--
EDWARD: Pssst, Bella. I've always wondered--what did you want to be, before you met me and instantly decided to throw it all away? You know, like a vocation, or a profession?
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BELLA: Like a... what?
JESSICA: --not really a big deal that I was in some embarrassing vampire movies, right? I mean, I’m not really even in them except for like five minutes each! I’m just here to class up the joint! So in conclusion, I say: Try everything! Make mistakes! Particularly mistakes that aren’t permanent! Go to college! Date lots of boys, even a few that aren't monsters! Don't commit yourself to anything! You're too young to get married--
BELLA: :D
JESSICA: --or to get dead!
BELLA: >: (
Alice's Graduation Party, Chez Sparklepire
BELLA: So, Jessica, about this “too young to get dead” thing--
ANGELA: Can I say something? You know, I was supposed to be the closest thing you had to an actual friend, but I never get to say an--
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JESSICA: omg Stephenie Meyer loves this band, let’s dance!
JACOB: Look, Bella, I'm sorry I was a werehole.
BELLA: Jacob, nothing you can say will make up for the fact that you disrepected my free will and personal space.
JACOB: I carved you a charm bracelet?
BELLA: Ooo, quaint!
ALICE [*gasp*]: I psychically sense that the plot is moving forward! An army of newborn vampires are out there, somewhere, huffing Bella's shirt!
Mmmmmmmm, polyblennnnnnd
[And though the Bronze-Hair was loath to be rivaled, therefore did he and his not-kinsmen parley with their natural enemies, represented thereunto by Jacob and his boyz.]
BELLA: No! The wolf guys will get hurt if there are action scenes!
EDWARD: AS IF I WOULD BE SO LUCKY.
JACOB: WOLF PACK KILL VAMPIRES! IS WHAT WOLF PACK DO!
SETH: Seth kill bad vampires too! Seth big wolf now! Please let Seth kill vampires!
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JASPER: Oh... that’s just precious.
Jasper Hale's School of Strategic Badassery
JASPER: ATTENNNN-SHUN! We are here today to demonstrate to you wolf guys how best to kill newborn vampires, who, are not, in fact, helpless babies, but rather superstrong and batshit crazy. Number one! Kill them unexpectedly! Although given that everyone thinks that we're emo sparkle pussies, killing anyone might be unexpected! Number two! Do not let them hug you, because then you will go crunch! Number three! Pay attention to what I am saying, JACOB, or foreshadowing might bite you in the ass when we finally get to the action scene!
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[Thrilled to finally get a scene where he doesn't have to look constipated, Jasper shows off his awesome by slamming his entire family into the dirt. The only Cullen who gets the drop on him is Alice, because she is awesome. Finishing move: sparkle smooch.]
EDWARD: Bella, why are you over here with Jacobwolf? ARE YOU STROKING HIM?
BELLA: SO JASPER I HEAR YOU HAVE A BACK STORY
JASPER: Well, ma'am, I was the youngest major on the Starship Enterprise in the Confederate Army, but I did all mah real fightin' in the Wars of Vampire Aggression. It was a sepia-toned time; a time of all-too-short horseback-riding shots for the ladieeees; a time of voiceovers and Oscar nominees slumming it in corsets.
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CATALINA SANDINO MORENO: What? A girl's gotta eat.
JASPER: She wanted an army of newborn vampires (like this one), far stronger and more aggressive (like these are), so she told me that she loved me, but I was just her puppet all along. I have no idea how that might parallel the current plot, though.
Alice Cullen: Best Not-Sister Ever
ALICE: So the whole family's going hunting to power up our vampire hit points, and you and Edward will have the house to yourselves.
BELLA: I thought... weren’t we going to do this thing where he bribes you with cars to kidnap me for sleepovers so I won’t run off and see Jacob?
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ALICE: Nope! For the movie, my awesome is undiluted.
BELLA: So... I'm not gonna get my toenails painted?
ALICE: Look, whatever you kids wanna call it these days, he’s over at the house ready to do it to you.
BELLA: I... what?
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ALICE: BOMCHICKAWOWWOW! Shoo!
Chez Sparklepire ~*After Dark*~
EDWARD: All I did was light candles, put on soft music, buy you a giant bed and give you a diamond! WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT MEANS I WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU?
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[Damn, Edward, she's trying to get her freak on! What's all this buzzkill about courtship and iced tea and souls?]
BELLA: Can I at least get a leg hitch out of this?
[HOT! STEAMY! KNEE-ON-KNEE ACTION!]
EDWARD: Only if with this ring I can thee wed!
Yours for only $24.99
BELLA: Is that--is that a cheese grater?
EDWARD: Premarital hug?
The Next Day
BELLA: SO SPEAKING OF YOUR BROTHER, APPARENTLY GIRLS CAN GET BLUE BALLS TOO. DID YOU KNOW THAT? BECAUSE I KNOW IT NOW. I KNOW IT A LOT.
ALICE: *sparklepalm*
Some Romantic Parking Garage
RILEY: You know... if I didn’t know better... I’d say you didn’t even love me when you killed me out of nowhere.
VICTORIA: Baby, how could you doubt me? I love you, baby. Baby, you’re everything to me. I couldn’t build this army of newborns without you! I swear, baby, I’m going to take this army and tear those nasty-bad Cullens apart and avenge you, Ja--
RILEY: Ja...?
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VICTORIA: Ja... Riley. JaRiley. That’s... that's a nickname... endearment... thing we vampires do. Yes. That is totally what it is. That is what we do when we find our one true love. The way Edward loves Bella, as his one true mate who he would die for, that is totally how I love you. Yes.
RILEY: ♥_♥
Edward Has a Cunning Plan
EDWARD: So we'll hide Bella up on the highest mountain, or at least a pretty high mountain, while everyone else gets ready to fight, but we'll have Jacob's wolf-funk cover her delicious, freesia or lavender scent. And I'll stay with her while everyone else has the battle, because we always get stupid every time there's a noble heroic parting. See? I thought of everything.
JASPER: Does your cunning plan involve a shirtless sexbeast toting your girl all up through the forest while he tells her that he’s the real leader of the pack?
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EDWARD: That was... not how it originally went, no.
The ~*Tent Scene*~ Omg
EDWARD: Look, I know you and your Fever of a Hundred and Werewolf are in the sleeping bag with Bella so she won't freeze to death, but COULD YOU STOP HUMPING HER WITH YOUR MIND?
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JACOB: Have you ever considered that I'm the best humping option for her? I won't break her, I won't bite her, I won't kill her. If monsters are still her kink? Got that covered, too.
EDWARD: Yeah, I've considered that.
JACOB: Really. So... if she left you, you wouldn't kill me?
EDWARD: No, I just want her to be happy.
JACOB: So... she and I go off together and have umpteen litters of washboard-abbed werepuppies and you're... fine with that.
EDWARD: If that's what she wants, yes.
JACOB: You wouldn't even be mad?
EDWARD: Her. Happy. Want.
JACOB: Dammit, you're good.
EDWARD: ...
JACOB: ...
EDWARD: You know, Jacob, if you weren't trying to steal my one reason for living in the most underhanded ways... you'd be kinda cute.
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JACOB: Well, you know, Edward, if you weren’t a controlling, creep-ass motherfucker... no. I still wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.
The Next Morning
EDWARD: I bet he really wouldn't piss on me if he found out we're getting married.
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BELLA: ...I wouldn't bet on that.
[Just then, Jacob finds the Trapper Keeper with hearts and rainbows and Mr. and Mrs. Bella Swan doodled on it over and over again, which Edward has cunningly left out for him to find. Jacob runs off with a howl of rage to get himself killed in battle.]
BELLA: NOOOO! JACOB! KISS ME! KISS ME! HERE, I HAVE THE CONSENT FORMS SIGNED IN TRIPLICATE!
[Snowy, picturesque, chestular makeouts ensue. Then Jacob runs off to battle, perhaps slightly less interested in getting killed.]
EDWARD: So...
BELLA: That... happened.
EDWARD: That... didn't really work out... the way I thought it would.
BELLA: Yeah... no.
EDWARD: ...
BELLA: ...
EDWARD: I psychically sense that the battle is starting!
BELLA: OH THANK GOD
The Battle of Sparklesburg
[Two allied clans that once were foes now band together on the literal field of battle, waiting for Riley the Gullible and his army to romero across the water and bring unto them an action scene.]
You got your zombie film in my chick flick!
JASPER: OLD NAVY BATTLE ARRAY!
Zippers are what's hip this season!
[And yea, the two armies do clash bold upon the plain. Jasper's hair leads the charge, and Emmett punchsplodes heads into rock salt. Alice horizontivaults over the newborns in slo-mo. Hipsters go flying, and are too busy dying to notice that Victoria and Riley have left them high and shiny. There is much werechomping, and then... it's pretty much over.]
Sparkle motion: looks a lot like bullet time.
How the Beloved Was Finally Present When Interesting Things Happened
[And so it was that Edward the Bronze-Hair endeavored to prevent his fair Bella from being anywhere near things happening, but despite his valiant efforts his foe followed after, nor was she unaware of his goings. And thus, the vengeful Victoria betook herself, vengefully, with Riley the Gullible to the Pretty High Mountain with the desire to bring death to all--]
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RILEY: WE HAVE COME FOR JABELLA!
VICTORIA: Yes... we have. We totally, totally have.
[--but thither to this spot did Seth the Junior Werewolf also hie, fain above all things to slay his foes in battle and free the land from sparkling. And, with such aid, the Bronze-Hair began to taunt his foes:]
EDWARD: Riley. Hello. She doesn't care about you! You're from FORKS. She can DO BETTER.
BELLA: HEY!
EDWARD: And YOU! Stop running and FIGHT ME! To avenge the pain you felt when I ripped James’ head off, TORE HIM TO PIECES, and ROASTED MARSHMALLOWS OVER HIS BURNING CARCASS.
BELLA: Uh, actually, that was mostly Alice--you just kinda gnawed his throat a little first--
EDWARD: SHUT IT, BELLA
[But then young Sethwolf was dashed upon the mountainside, and the Bronze-Hair, though mighty of fangirls, found himself at the mercy of his enemies, with only the Savory Beloved, remembering the furry songs of old, at liberty to do something stupid and ineffectual with a rock--]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jon es. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
VICTORIA: Wait, did she just stab herself in the arm? For real? Is she actually bleeding?
RILEY: Is she not supposed to do that?
VICTORIA: Well, I mean, it's just--she just always stands there being fragrant while other people have action scenes. I mean, half the time she isn't even conscious. I--I don't really know what to make of this.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repo st. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[--but while their foes pondered such mysteries, Sethwolf fell upon them LIKE FURRY DEATH FROM ABOVE, and yea, though Riley the Deceived begged Victoria to save him from the snarfling of his enemy, she did betray him, and great game this seemed to Sethwolf, who had been half-dead erst. But thereafter Victoria was served in her turn by the not-fangs of the Bronze-Hair, who chawed on and spat out her head upon the Pretty High Mountain, and did render her to sparkly barbecue with his Bic. And yea, the Tasty Beloved looked thereupon, and in her heart was gladness that she had actually been allowed to do something interesting, rather than hear tell the tales of men long after.]
The Second Battle of Sparklesburg
[And in the hearts of the two clans there was also gladness, because all their enemies lay twinkling upon the battlefield, and none of their own took hurt, except that then Some Random-Ass Straggler leapt out, and the Unacknowledged Werechief did knock Leahwolf the Bitter out of the way so that he might have an extra share of glory, but lo! He had not paid attention in vamp-fighting school! And yea, he did go crunch. But the head of the Cullen clan was a bonesetter of some renown, and it was in his power to heal him--]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or li nk back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CARLISLE: Uh... can I drop by the rez later? We’re in the middle of a denouement here.
The Volturi Arrive
EDWARD: You know, I’m tempted to say you took your SWEET-ASS TIME GETTING HERE so maybe we’d all kill each other first.
JANE: Mm. Your insinuations bore me. Who's the kid?
CARLISLE: Why, this is Bree Tanner™, narrator of Stephenie Meyer's new novella, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner! She’s so plucky and sympathetic that my compassion feels compelled to take her in and make her part of our fa--
© 2009 Cleolinda J ones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JANE: Mm. Crucio.
BREE [howling in agony]: NNNNNNGAAAAHHHHH! I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING! IT ALL STARTED WHEN I SOLD MY BODY FOR A CHEESEBURGER OF PAIN--
My hand to God
JANE: BORING. SUMMARIZE.
BREE: Riley did it all for Whoever She Was and I don’t know anything!
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JANE: Colossus? Remainder her.
Jacob's House, La Push Reservation
LEAH: So Jacob's in there getting all his bones rebroken and set, he's high as a kite on morphine, and she's come back to stomp on his heart all over again? She can't even wait 24 hours? I don't even BELIEVE this.
SETH: Well, Edward is pretty dreamy--
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LEAH: *BITCHSMACK*
[And thus did the Tasty Beloved take her leave of the noble wolf not-chief, bearing with her these parting words:]
JACOB: Well, if you ever get tired of popsicle, come around and see me sometime--!
The Meadow of Great Sparkle
BELLA: Edward, I want you to know--in choosing you, I'm not choosing an angel cupcake marble Adonis over a handsy, hot-blooded he-beast. Really, I'm not even choosing you at all, even though I went on for several hundred pages about how irrevocably and involuntarily I fell in love with you. As a human, I don't fit in--I'm so tired of this miserable existence, where I am too pale, too slim, too smart--secretly hot, adorably clumsy, and wanted by all the boys. Because I know where I really belong--as a vampire, I will be the bestest vampire that ever vampired. I am ready to be the ultimate Mary Sue, Edward. In choosing you, I'm choosing me.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: How... romantic?
[And so the Tasty Beloved did don the cheese grater of his ancestors, and after the mighty sparklepire consented to premarital hugs once more, they returned to spread tidings of joy, and to beg for mercy from her kinsman, though he might be fain above all other things to go after the Bronze-Hair with his shotgun.]
BELLA: If I put on the ring, can we choose the sex now?
EDWARD: NO!!
Fin.
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( Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
New Moon in Fifteen Minutes
Recap: The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner
Many other recaps
So... I got a little loopy on this one. Enjoy.
The Mean Streets of Seattle
[A dark and stormy night! A handsome young man: prey for an invisible predator who terrorizes him like a catpire with a mouse, finally pursuing him to the dead end of the docks. He has nowhere to run! He has nowhere to hide! Finally the creature strikes! He collapses, screaming in agony as the venom takes over! I am... really confused, because this looks like a movie about actual vampires and actual vampiring.]
A Magical Sunny Meadow Filled with Pretty Purple Flowers
[Okay, now I know what movie we’re in.]
[You know what? If we’re going to call this a ~*saga*~, I think we need more Vikings.]
[EDWARD CULLEN was a fearsome sparklepire, bronze of hair and mighty of fangirls, and after many trials that could have been avoided if he hadn't been a total dick, he brought back to his beloved his favorite meadow (he has a favorite meadow), and thereupon fair Bella did recite to him the songs of her English textbook.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA:... so I can choose fire
or I can choose ice;
If you don't get that metaphor
I can reread it twice.
EDWARD: That's a nice poem. Marry me.
BELLA: Edward, I'm trying to study!
EDWARD: Marry me.
BELLA: No! I'm too young to get married before I die!
EDWARD: Marriage bridal wedding husband me marry marry marry.
BELLA: NO!
EDWARD: marrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarryme
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: GOD, IS THIS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LISTEN TO ME WHINE ALL THE TIME?
Casa de Swan
BELLA: Edward, I can have friends other than you. Like, say, Jacob Black. My father wants me to see Jacob. According to this massively passive-aggressive note, Jacob wants me to see Jacob. I want me to see Jacob. SO PUT THE ENGINE BACK IN MY TRUCK.
EDWARD: Only I know what is best for you. You are fragile and meaty, and Jacob doesn't have the same rigid self-control that I do--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Is that--a euphemism or something?
EDWARD: --so I can't allow you to put yourself in harm's way. If you don't want me to watch you sleep tonight, I'll understand.
Bella's Window, Five Minutes Later
EDWARD: She's gonna open the window. She's gonna open it any minute now. Aaaaaany minute now...
Bella's Window, Three Hours Later
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EDWARD: BELLA! BELLAAAAAA! You're supposed to pout for five minutes and then your self-respect crumbles and you let me in anyway! It says so right here in the book! This--this--it's like sleeping on the couch, only there's no couch and there's no sleeping! I'M SCARED AND I'M CONFUSED! BELLAAAAAAA!
Forks High, The Next Morning
MIKE: Hey, remember when the mundanes were pretty much the best thing in the movies?
ERIC: And we're still more ethnically diverse than the Airbender movie!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JESSICA: FIRE NATION BURRRRN
BELLA: Alice! You're psychically foreseeing something! What is it?
ALICE: *whistles*
BELLA: Edward! You can read her mind! What is she seeing?
EDWARD: *ceiling glance*
BELLA: WHY WILL NO ONE TELL ME WHAT THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT?
Team Jacob Police Headquarters
CHARLIE: Have I mentioned lately that I hate you? Because I do. A lot.
EDWARD: Why? I’m smart, clean-cut, handsome, rich--a good student from a good family who won’t even go past first base with your daughter. I’ve even begged her to go to college and not throw her life away on me. It’s not my fault you raised Bella to define herself through abject codependency on a man.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHARLIE: OH NO YOU DID NOT
BELLA: So... we'll be taking that trip to see Mom now!
The Direct Sunlight of Florida
RENEE: Is your boyfriend indoor-only, or something?
BELLA: Yeah... you could say that.
RENEE: Oh! I got you a graduation present! Look, it's a quilt I lovingly made myself from all the t-shirts we got from all the many road trips we took, just you and me, so you can remember all the good times we had when you're at Secret Vampire University!
BELLA: We did stuff together?
RENEE: Of course we did! I'm your mother! That means I occasionally remember I have a kid!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Wow. Unexpected emotion is unexpected. Holy crow, ditching everyone I know to become a vampire might actually be hard.
We Can't Stop Here, This Is Werewolf Country!
[And so the Bronze-Hair gave his forests and his mountain-lions into the hands of his not-kinsmen, so that he might take his beloved to a sunlit shore far, far away from things actually happening, and his not-kinsmen might seek his greatest foe: Victoria, That One Redhead Vampire Who Demanded Vengeance For James, Her Slain Lover, Even Though He Was A Severe Asshole, And I Don't Really Know What Else She Expected To Happen When He Kidnapped The Tasty Beloved, Yea, To Torture And To Eat Her.]
CARLISLE: Look sharp--they've recast Victoria, so she'll be harder to spot!
ALICE: I psychically foresee her coming our way!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JASPER: GAP AD FORMATION!
It's all about denim this summer!
[But their sparklespeed, their wirework, their new-learnt parkour were all for naught, as the vengeful Victoria had been upgraded, her A-list pixels eluding their grasp, finding safety in the realm of their natural enemies, who were loath to allow intrusion.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EMMETT: THE WERES ARE HARSHING MY AWESOME!
The Leader of the Pack (Vroom Vroom!)
JACOB: *marlonnnnn brandooooos*
EDWARD: *jaaaaames deaaaaaaaaaans*
JACOB: *MARLONNNNNNN BRANDOOOOOS*
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: *JAAAAAAAAAAAAMES DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANS*
JACOB: SO, BELLA, HAS HE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PLOT YET?
BELLA: About the what?
JACOB: You know, his family hunting Victoria, who has come back to EAT YOU.
EDWARD: I’m sorry, little boy, did you say something?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: I don’t know, old man, did you go deaf?
[And so the Savory Beloved did cut class and mount the wererival's motorsteed, while the Tousled of Hair gazed after in deep chagrin, and sought a teacher to tell on herrrrr.]
Werewolf Central
LEAH: GTFO VAMPIRE GIRL
BELLA: Oh, are you a muffin-baking Wolf Girl like Emily now?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEAH: No, I'm a GIRLWOLF, which means that I have to share Jacob's werethoughts and listen to him meeble about YOU all the time.
QUIL: lol yeah. BELLA AND JAAAA~COB, WOLFING IN A TREEEEEE--
JACOB: QUIL, GO IMPRINT ON A TODDLER OR SOMETHING
BELLA: What's imprinting?
JACOB: It's a deep, spiritual bond where someone who may or may not yet be toilet-trained becomes your center of gravity. She becomes your whole world. You would do anything for her, you would be anything for her. Anything. All night long.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: So... uh. Ew. Yeah. Have you... ew.
JACOB: No, I won't imprint on anyone for at least another 500 pages. But I FEEL like I have! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!
BELLA: SO I'M GOING HOME NOW.
Casa de Swan, That Night
[While fair Bella's kinsman did slumber on his couch, Riley the Gullible invaded to caress her goods and belongings, taking thence a garment for his nefarious plans, and stood before her father, who was also pretty savory-looking, and saw thereupon that her father's case files did have Riley's own name upon them.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RILEY: HIS FORCEFIELD OF IRONY REPELS ME!
[And thus did Charlie escape Riley the Creeper, as did Bella, who, as was just sung, was not home at the time, because otherwise this would have been the shortest movie ever (although still pretty satisfying), and Riley's treachery was not discovered until the Bronze-Hair returned:]
EDWARD: BELLA! SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME WAS LURKING AROUND YOUR BEDROOM!!
The Witless Protection Program
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Okay, that was cheap.]
[Verily, the two enemy clans of bloodsucker and werebeast reached an uneasy truce and a shared custody arrangement, wherein fair Bella would be guarded at all times so that the sparklepires might occasionally snack. And so, before the Bronze-Hair returned to his forests and his mountain-lions, he took leave of his beloved with public roadside makeouts, that not coincidentally did mark his territory before his shirtless rival.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: BELLA, I CAN MASSAGE YOU WITH MY ABS!
BELLA: GIVE IT UP, JACOB!
Werewolf Beach Bonfire
BELLA: Oh, wow, the Ceremonial Telling of the Werelegends? If I'd known this was going to be formal, I would have worn my khaki skirt or something.
BILLY BLACK, JACOB'S DAD: We fictional Quileutes have long had the powers of wolfing out; and so this is the tale of the first Cold One. Our ancestors were a peaceful people, but then Peter Murphy came to snack upon them, and as our ancestors were Bauhaus fans, they felt deeply betrayed. And thus, we fursploded for the first time. And then the Cold One's mate came to wreak her vengeance upon us in turn, because vengeful women robbed of their mates is actually a recurring motif in this series, now that I think about it. So then, when the foreshadowing was darkest, the third wife of our ancestors' chief slew herself so to as to distract the Other Cold One with her blood, because she couldn't possibly just cut her finger or something. And so, in times of trouble, when greater numbers of vampires threaten our tribe, more and more of our young people fursplode--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SETH, THE LITTLEST WEREWOLF: Like me!
BILLY BLACK: --so as increase the numbers of the pack.
LEAH: AND THAT'S WHY ALL OF THIS IS BELLA'S FAULT. THE END.
Missing Persons Department, Casa de Swan
[And noble Police Chief Bella's Dad Charlie grew more and more fixed upon the case file on one missing-and-presumed-eaten Riley Coffins Pyres Biers.]
CHARLIE: You know, if you ever disappeared, say, with the entire Cullen family under mysterious circumstances, I would never stop looking for you. Ever. Maybe when I died of grief. I would probably stop then.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: WHAT IS WITH MY PARENTS AND THIS "CARING ABOUT THEIR CHILD" THING?!?
Werewolf Country Is for Lovers
JACOB: Bella, I love you, and I want you to know this, so we don’t have any wacky misunderstandings--
BELLA: Oh, like the one in the last movie, where you made Edward think I was DEAD?
JACOB: --because I want you to choose me. Choose life, not death. Choose a real future. Choose a guy who can age occasionally, if he feels like it. Choose a family of werebabies with me. Choose fur. Choose abs. Choose tight fitted t-shirts and visible undawears--choose motorcycles, not Volvos. Choose someone who can keep you warm at night, literally. Choose someone who would have sex with you right now.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Jacob, I love you, but I will always love Edward more. Also, it's muddy out here, and "choose" doesn't look like a word anymore.
JACOB: HE-WOLF DECIDE HOW PUNY GIRL FEEL! JACOB KISS BELLA TILL BELLA AGREE!
BELLA'S FIST: *FACEPUNCH*
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB'S FACE: *FISTBREAK*
Casa de Swan, That Evening
JACOB: Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?
BELLA: BAD DOG! NO BISCUIT!
JACOB: Well, at least Edward won't be too mad. I mean, he never gets mad about anything, he just stands there and wrings his hands like a--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost . cleolinda.livejournal.com
[~*VAMPIRE VOLVO OF GREAT JUSTICE*~]
EDWARD: RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
HE-WOLF NOT EXPECT SPARKLE GUMPTION!
EDWARD [*SPARKLESHOVE*]: IF I HAVE TO RESPECT HER PERSONAL AUTONOMY, YOU DO TOO!
JACOB [*WEREPUSH*]: YEAH WELL I RESPECT HER RIGHT TO CHOOSE!
EDWARD [*DAZZLESMACK*]: I RESPECT THE CHOICE SHE ALREADY MADE!
JACOB: STALKER!
EDWARD: MOUTH INVADER!
JACOB: SLEEP WATCHER!
EDWARD: BAD ROLE MODEL!
JACOB: NO YOU!
EDWARD: NO YOU!
CHARLIE: OKAY, BACK OFF, TWINKLETOES!
JACOB: No... it was me. I laid one on Bella, and she broke her hand. On my face.
CHARLIE: ...
JACOB: Come on, Charlie, you like me better than him! You're supposed to congratulate me in a really obnoxious, paternalistic way!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHARLIE: WHAT? What is WRONG with you? WHY THE HELL would I do that?
JACOB: But... Charlie! I'm your best friend's son! You've always wanted Bella to go out with the werewolf next door! I'm practically family!
CHARLIE: *HEADSMACK*
EDWARD: Thank you, Charlie, it really means a lot to me that--
CHARLIE: *SHOTGUN*
Emergency Kitchen, Chez Sparklepire
ROSALIE: GREAT. Bella's gotten herself hurt AGAIN, and Carlisle's fussing over her dumb ass AGAIN, and now EMMETT thinks she's awesome too, just because she PUNCHES WEREWOLVES.
EMMETT: But babe! That was totally--
ROSALIE: *DEATHFACE*
BELLA: Rosalie... why have you spent three movies hating me so much?
ROSALIE: I DON'T HATE YOU!!!!!!!
BELLA: OKAY WELL THEN MAYBE YOU CAN JUST TELL ME WHAT YOUR DEAL IS.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ROSALIE: MY DEAL is that I was BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT and SOMEHOW RICH in the Great Depression, and all I wanted was A HUSBAND and A BABY, but instead my fiancé invited his friends to ASSAULT ME AND LEAVE ME FOR DEAD, which seems COUNTER-INTUITIVE if you're MARRYING A GIRL FOR HER MONEY, and then CARLISLE FOUND ME and VAMPIRED ME so that maybe EDWARD would WANT ME AND YOU CAN SEE HOW THAT TURNED OUT. Torturing my fiancé to death in the wedding dress I was going to marry him in was fun, though. Good times.
BELLA: *backs away... slowly*
The Mean Alleys of the Mean Streets of Seattle
[And there Riley the Gullible did endeavor to teach his new-turned recruits to vam and to pire, to feed discreetly, hide the bodies, and cover their tracks.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
RILEY: Okay, ten-car pile-ups and screaming hookers are not discreet. I left you people alone for five minutes and now everything is ON FIRE. I've seen RIOTS that were more subtle. WHY ARE YOU ALL SO STUPID? YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME!!
You. You are why we can't have nice things.
[Far above, Dakota Fanningpire Claudia Jane and her Volturi X-Men observe the chaos.]
COLOSSUS: So this Riley is building an army of extra-strong newborn vampires, and we are keeping an eye on this, because the clairvoyant Cullen is only watching Victoria and our leader Aro, and we are permitting this to happen because we want the Cullens to be neutralized.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JANE: Colossus, exposition bores me. Don't make me taze you with my eyeliner.
LEECH: Sister, are you at all concerned that Victoria might become too powerful, now that she has been recast?
JANE: Who do you think made them recast her in the first place?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEECH: Wow, you really are evil.
Valedictorian Speechatorium, Graduation Day
JESSICA: Now is the time in our lives when we go out into the world and decide what we want to be. We’ve spent our entire lives trying to decide what to be--astronauts, ballerinas, veterinarians--me, I always wanted to be an Oscar nominee--
EDWARD: Pssst, Bella. I've always wondered--what did you want to be, before you met me and instantly decided to throw it all away? You know, like a vocation, or a profession?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Like a... what?
JESSICA: --not really a big deal that I was in some embarrassing vampire movies, right? I mean, I’m not really even in them except for like five minutes each! I’m just here to class up the joint! So in conclusion, I say: Try everything! Make mistakes! Particularly mistakes that aren’t permanent! Go to college! Date lots of boys, even a few that aren't monsters! Don't commit yourself to anything! You're too young to get married--
BELLA: :D
JESSICA: --or to get dead!
BELLA: >: (
Alice's Graduation Party, Chez Sparklepire
BELLA: So, Jessica, about this “too young to get dead” thing--
ANGELA: Can I say something? You know, I was supposed to be the closest thing you had to an actual friend, but I never get to say an--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JESSICA: omg Stephenie Meyer loves this band, let’s dance!
JACOB: Look, Bella, I'm sorry I was a werehole.
BELLA: Jacob, nothing you can say will make up for the fact that you disrepected my free will and personal space.
JACOB: I carved you a charm bracelet?
BELLA: Ooo, quaint!
ALICE [*gasp*]: I psychically sense that the plot is moving forward! An army of newborn vampires are out there, somewhere, huffing Bella's shirt!
Mmmmmmmm, polyblennnnnnd
[And though the Bronze-Hair was loath to be rivaled, therefore did he and his not-kinsmen parley with their natural enemies, represented thereunto by Jacob and his boyz.]
BELLA: No! The wolf guys will get hurt if there are action scenes!
EDWARD: AS IF I WOULD BE SO LUCKY.
JACOB: WOLF PACK KILL VAMPIRES! IS WHAT WOLF PACK DO!
SETH: Seth kill bad vampires too! Seth big wolf now! Please let Seth kill vampires!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JASPER: Oh... that’s just precious.
Jasper Hale's School of Strategic Badassery
JASPER: ATTENNNN-SHUN! We are here today to demonstrate to you wolf guys how best to kill newborn vampires, who, are not, in fact, helpless babies, but rather superstrong and batshit crazy. Number one! Kill them unexpectedly! Although given that everyone thinks that we're emo sparkle pussies, killing anyone might be unexpected! Number two! Do not let them hug you, because then you will go crunch! Number three! Pay attention to what I am saying, JACOB, or foreshadowing might bite you in the ass when we finally get to the action scene!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Thrilled to finally get a scene where he doesn't have to look constipated, Jasper shows off his awesome by slamming his entire family into the dirt. The only Cullen who gets the drop on him is Alice, because she is awesome. Finishing move: sparkle smooch.]
EDWARD: Bella, why are you over here with Jacobwolf? ARE YOU STROKING HIM?
BELLA: SO JASPER I HEAR YOU HAVE A BACK STORY
JASPER: Well, ma'am, I was the youngest major on the Starship Enterprise in the Confederate Army, but I did all mah real fightin' in the Wars of Vampire Aggression. It was a sepia-toned time; a time of all-too-short horseback-riding shots for the ladieeees; a time of voiceovers and Oscar nominees slumming it in corsets.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CATALINA SANDINO MORENO: What? A girl's gotta eat.
JASPER: She wanted an army of newborn vampires (like this one), far stronger and more aggressive (like these are), so she told me that she loved me, but I was just her puppet all along. I have no idea how that might parallel the current plot, though.
Alice Cullen: Best Not-Sister Ever
ALICE: So the whole family's going hunting to power up our vampire hit points, and you and Edward will have the house to yourselves.
BELLA: I thought... weren’t we going to do this thing where he bribes you with cars to kidnap me for sleepovers so I won’t run off and see Jacob?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ALICE: Nope! For the movie, my awesome is undiluted.
BELLA: So... I'm not gonna get my toenails painted?
ALICE: Look, whatever you kids wanna call it these days, he’s over at the house ready to do it to you.
BELLA: I... what?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
ALICE: BOMCHICKAWOWWOW! Shoo!
Chez Sparklepire ~*After Dark*~
EDWARD: All I did was light candles, put on soft music, buy you a giant bed and give you a diamond! WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT MEANS I WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Damn, Edward, she's trying to get her freak on! What's all this buzzkill about courtship and iced tea and souls?]
BELLA: Can I at least get a leg hitch out of this?
[HOT! STEAMY! KNEE-ON-KNEE ACTION!]
EDWARD: Only if with this ring I can thee wed!
Yours for only $24.99
BELLA: Is that--is that a cheese grater?
EDWARD: Premarital hug?
The Next Day
BELLA: SO SPEAKING OF YOUR BROTHER, APPARENTLY GIRLS CAN GET BLUE BALLS TOO. DID YOU KNOW THAT? BECAUSE I KNOW IT NOW. I KNOW IT A LOT.
ALICE: *sparklepalm*
Some Romantic Parking Garage
RILEY: You know... if I didn’t know better... I’d say you didn’t even love me when you killed me out of nowhere.
VICTORIA: Baby, how could you doubt me? I love you, baby. Baby, you’re everything to me. I couldn’t build this army of newborns without you! I swear, baby, I’m going to take this army and tear those nasty-bad Cullens apart and avenge you, Ja--
RILEY: Ja...?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
VICTORIA: Ja... Riley. JaRiley. That’s... that's a nickname... endearment... thing we vampires do. Yes. That is totally what it is. That is what we do when we find our one true love. The way Edward loves Bella, as his one true mate who he would die for, that is totally how I love you. Yes.
RILEY: ♥_♥
Edward Has a Cunning Plan
EDWARD: So we'll hide Bella up on the highest mountain, or at least a pretty high mountain, while everyone else gets ready to fight, but we'll have Jacob's wolf-funk cover her delicious, freesia or lavender scent. And I'll stay with her while everyone else has the battle, because we always get stupid every time there's a noble heroic parting. See? I thought of everything.
JASPER: Does your cunning plan involve a shirtless sexbeast toting your girl all up through the forest while he tells her that he’s the real leader of the pack?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do no t repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: That was... not how it originally went, no.
The ~*Tent Scene*~ Omg
EDWARD: Look, I know you and your Fever of a Hundred and Werewolf are in the sleeping bag with Bella so she won't freeze to death, but COULD YOU STOP HUMPING HER WITH YOUR MIND?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please q uote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Have you ever considered that I'm the best humping option for her? I won't break her, I won't bite her, I won't kill her. If monsters are still her kink? Got that covered, too.
EDWARD: Yeah, I've considered that.
JACOB: Really. So... if she left you, you wouldn't kill me?
EDWARD: No, I just want her to be happy.
JACOB: So... she and I go off together and have umpteen litters of washboard-abbed werepuppies and you're... fine with that.
EDWARD: If that's what she wants, yes.
JACOB: You wouldn't even be mad?
EDWARD: Her. Happy. Want.
JACOB: Dammit, you're good.
EDWARD: ...
JACOB: ...
EDWARD: You know, Jacob, if you weren't trying to steal my one reason for living in the most underhanded ways... you'd be kinda cute.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Well, you know, Edward, if you weren’t a controlling, creep-ass motherfucker... no. I still wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.
The Next Morning
EDWARD: I bet he really wouldn't piss on me if he found out we're getting married.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not rep ost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: ...I wouldn't bet on that.
[Just then, Jacob finds the Trapper Keeper with hearts and rainbows and Mr. and Mrs. Bella Swan doodled on it over and over again, which Edward has cunningly left out for him to find. Jacob runs off with a howl of rage to get himself killed in battle.]
BELLA: NOOOO! JACOB! KISS ME! KISS ME! HERE, I HAVE THE CONSENT FORMS SIGNED IN TRIPLICATE!
[Snowy, picturesque, chestular makeouts ensue. Then Jacob runs off to battle, perhaps slightly less interested in getting killed.]
EDWARD: So...
BELLA: That... happened.
EDWARD: That... didn't really work out... the way I thought it would.
BELLA: Yeah... no.
EDWARD: ...
BELLA: ...
EDWARD: I psychically sense that the battle is starting!
BELLA: OH THANK GOD
The Battle of Sparklesburg
[Two allied clans that once were foes now band together on the literal field of battle, waiting for Riley the Gullible and his army to romero across the water and bring unto them an action scene.]
You got your zombie film in my chick flick!
JASPER: OLD NAVY BATTLE ARRAY!
Zippers are what's hip this season!
[And yea, the two armies do clash bold upon the plain. Jasper's hair leads the charge, and Emmett punchsplodes heads into rock salt. Alice horizontivaults over the newborns in slo-mo. Hipsters go flying, and are too busy dying to notice that Victoria and Riley have left them high and shiny. There is much werechomping, and then... it's pretty much over.]
Sparkle motion: looks a lot like bullet time.
How the Beloved Was Finally Present When Interesting Things Happened
[And so it was that Edward the Bronze-Hair endeavored to prevent his fair Bella from being anywhere near things happening, but despite his valiant efforts his foe followed after, nor was she unaware of his goings. And thus, the vengeful Victoria betook herself, vengefully, with Riley the Gullible to the Pretty High Mountain with the desire to bring death to all--]
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RILEY: WE HAVE COME FOR JABELLA!
VICTORIA: Yes... we have. We totally, totally have.
[--but thither to this spot did Seth the Junior Werewolf also hie, fain above all things to slay his foes in battle and free the land from sparkling. And, with such aid, the Bronze-Hair began to taunt his foes:]
EDWARD: Riley. Hello. She doesn't care about you! You're from FORKS. She can DO BETTER.
BELLA: HEY!
EDWARD: And YOU! Stop running and FIGHT ME! To avenge the pain you felt when I ripped James’ head off, TORE HIM TO PIECES, and ROASTED MARSHMALLOWS OVER HIS BURNING CARCASS.
BELLA: Uh, actually, that was mostly Alice--you just kinda gnawed his throat a little first--
EDWARD: SHUT IT, BELLA
[But then young Sethwolf was dashed upon the mountainside, and the Bronze-Hair, though mighty of fangirls, found himself at the mercy of his enemies, with only the Savory Beloved, remembering the furry songs of old, at liberty to do something stupid and ineffectual with a rock--]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jon es. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
VICTORIA: Wait, did she just stab herself in the arm? For real? Is she actually bleeding?
RILEY: Is she not supposed to do that?
VICTORIA: Well, I mean, it's just--she just always stands there being fragrant while other people have action scenes. I mean, half the time she isn't even conscious. I--I don't really know what to make of this.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repo st. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[--but while their foes pondered such mysteries, Sethwolf fell upon them LIKE FURRY DEATH FROM ABOVE, and yea, though Riley the Deceived begged Victoria to save him from the snarfling of his enemy, she did betray him, and great game this seemed to Sethwolf, who had been half-dead erst. But thereafter Victoria was served in her turn by the not-fangs of the Bronze-Hair, who chawed on and spat out her head upon the Pretty High Mountain, and did render her to sparkly barbecue with his Bic. And yea, the Tasty Beloved looked thereupon, and in her heart was gladness that she had actually been allowed to do something interesting, rather than hear tell the tales of men long after.]
The Second Battle of Sparklesburg
[And in the hearts of the two clans there was also gladness, because all their enemies lay twinkling upon the battlefield, and none of their own took hurt, except that then Some Random-Ass Straggler leapt out, and the Unacknowledged Werechief did knock Leahwolf the Bitter out of the way so that he might have an extra share of glory, but lo! He had not paid attention in vamp-fighting school! And yea, he did go crunch. But the head of the Cullen clan was a bonesetter of some renown, and it was in his power to heal him--]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or li nk back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CARLISLE: Uh... can I drop by the rez later? We’re in the middle of a denouement here.
The Volturi Arrive
EDWARD: You know, I’m tempted to say you took your SWEET-ASS TIME GETTING HERE so maybe we’d all kill each other first.
JANE: Mm. Your insinuations bore me. Who's the kid?
CARLISLE: Why, this is Bree Tanner™, narrator of Stephenie Meyer's new novella, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner! She’s so plucky and sympathetic that my compassion feels compelled to take her in and make her part of our fa--
© 2009 Cleolinda J ones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JANE: Mm. Crucio.
BREE [howling in agony]: NNNNNNGAAAAHHHHH! I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING! IT ALL STARTED WHEN I SOLD MY BODY FOR A CHEESEBURGER OF PAIN--
My hand to God
JANE: BORING. SUMMARIZE.
BREE: Riley did it all for Whoever She Was and I don’t know anything!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quot e or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JANE: Colossus? Remainder her.
Jacob's House, La Push Reservation
LEAH: So Jacob's in there getting all his bones rebroken and set, he's high as a kite on morphine, and she's come back to stomp on his heart all over again? She can't even wait 24 hours? I don't even BELIEVE this.
SETH: Well, Edward is pretty dreamy--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link b ack, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LEAH: *BITCHSMACK*
[And thus did the Tasty Beloved take her leave of the noble wolf not-chief, bearing with her these parting words:]
JACOB: Well, if you ever get tired of popsicle, come around and see me sometime--!
The Meadow of Great Sparkle
BELLA: Edward, I want you to know--in choosing you, I'm not choosing an angel cupcake marble Adonis over a handsy, hot-blooded he-beast. Really, I'm not even choosing you at all, even though I went on for several hundred pages about how irrevocably and involuntarily I fell in love with you. As a human, I don't fit in--I'm so tired of this miserable existence, where I am too pale, too slim, too smart--secretly hot, adorably clumsy, and wanted by all the boys. Because I know where I really belong--as a vampire, I will be the bestest vampire that ever vampired. I am ready to be the ultimate Mary Sue, Edward. In choosing you, I'm choosing me.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: How... romantic?
[And so the Tasty Beloved did don the cheese grater of his ancestors, and after the mighty sparklepire consented to premarital hugs once more, they returned to spread tidings of joy, and to beg for mercy from her kinsman, though he might be fain above all other things to go after the Bronze-Hair with his shotgun.]
BELLA: If I put on the ring, can we choose the sex now?
EDWARD: NO!!
Fin.
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