The Avengers in Fifteen Minutes
PREVIOUSLY ON: MOVIES IN FIFTEEN MINUTES: Prometheus.
HI.
Got a new feature here: the LJ "like" function, which seems to work more like Tumblr's reblog than stealing my stuff, so I tentatively endorse this; it's not the problem I have with people jacking entire entries and reposting them as their own work.
ETA: Apparently the new LJ repost function is bringing in some (very angry) complaints, so we're going to have to reverse that endorsement. I'm leaving the Twitter/Facebook/G+ options on since no one seems to have any problems with those. If you are seeing this entry and do not wish to see this entry I am very sorry and have done what I can to prevent it from happening again.
This one ran long. Given the movie in question, I don't think anyone will really mind. Don't know what, if anything, I might do next, except that I will soldier through the ~thrilling conclusion~ of Breaking Dawn or die trying.
Somewhere in Deep Space
[Loki, God of Mischief, has returned from the galactic abyss to make a deal with the shadow-hoodie leader of the Chitauri:]
THE OTHER: Are you sure you want our help attacking Earth so you can rule it?
[The Other what?]
THE OTHER: Because we're going to trash the place, let me tell you.
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LOKI: Absolutely. So help me Allfather, I am going to subjugate something if it kills all of us. A small township, a parking deck, a coffee mug. I'm open to options here.
THE OTHER: And... if we help you rule... something, you'll turn the Ultimate Cube of Ultimate Power over to us?
LOKI: Cross my heart and hope to lie.
THE OTHER: Then, unto you, Loki Laufeyson, I bestow this laserblaster scepterspear. Go forth and wreck shit. But I warn you: should you fail, another, far greater than I, will be most displeased.
LOKI: An other? But you're the--
THE OTHER: ANOTHER OTHER. THE OTHER OTHER. JUST GO GET THE CUBE, OKAY.
Some Top-Secret Underground S.H.I.E.L.D. Facility
[Previously on all the Marvel movies ever, Samuel L. Jackson was in them if you stayed in your seat long enough.]
DIRECTOR NICK FURY: So WHY is the Tesseract doing shit on its own, exactly?
PROFESSOR SELVIG: Shhhh, you'll hurt Tess's feelings. It's a pretty widdle ultimate cube of ultimate power, yes it is.
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FURY: I knew we should have gotten Murry in on this instead. Where's Barton?
SELVIG: So shiny.
FURY: BARTON I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
[Clint Barton, code name: Hawkeye, is an archer/spysassin assigned to protect the Tesseract. Seriously, nothing is going to get past him. Absolutely nothing. You better believe it.]
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CLINT: Yeah, the rest of us are kind of concerned. I mean, the cube is a portal, right? We have no idea if there's cake on the other side, or if it's truthful at all.
FURY: Look, I don't know what the fuck it is, but I'm packing that shit up and--the fuck is this?
[While Fury is tossing some gangster's soul out of a suitcase, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE MATERIALIZES.]
Five Minutes Later
[Clint and Selvig drive off merrily into the night with the Tessacase; Loki, Asgardian god of legend, is riding in the back of their truck like someone's golden retriever.]
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FURY [on radio]: COME IN, SUPER SECRET SHADOW COUNCIL! SOME TRICK-ASS MOTHERFUCKER JUST CAME INTO MY FACILITY AND STOLE MY GODDAMN PLOT POINT, AND HE BRAINWASHED MY DAMN SCIENTIST AND MY GODDAMN SUPER ASSASSIN WITH SOME BULLSHIT GLOWSTICK CANE! THE FUCK YOU GONNA GET DOWN HERE AND DO ABOUT IT?
POWERS BOOTHE, ON BEHALF OF THE SUPER SECRET SHADOW COUNCIL: Did you get the Ominous Phase 2 Super-Weapons out?
FURY: HOW ABOUT YOU SEND ME A HELICOPTER AND THEN WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT?
It's the one that says BAD MUGHUQQA
POWERS BOOTHE: Did New Agent Hill and Fan Favorite Coulson make it out alive?
AGENT MARIA HILL [climbing out of wreckage]: I'M A LITTLE MORE CRUMPLED THAN I EXPECTED TO BE IN MY VERY FIRST SCENE, BUT I'M HERE
FURY: YES OF COURSE THEY GODDAMN DID, IT'S TOO FUCKING EARLY IN THE MOVIE FOR CHARACTERS WITH NAMES TO DIE! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?
[Then Fury's secret facility craters.]
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FURY: MY SATELLITE COLLECTION!!!
A Scene That Must Have Happened
FURY: SO WHO GETS TO BE IN THE AVENGER INITIATIVE AND GET MY DAMN CUBE BACK?
HILL: Well, obviously, everyone who already had their own movie.
FURY: So--Stark, Banner, and Rogers? We have enough screen time to handle that, yeah.
COULSON: Don't forget Donald! I never did get to debrief him.
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FURY: Vikings gonna vike on their own time, I'm not dealing with more alien shit. Again. SOME MORE. Barton's fried, so… let's bring in Black Widow, she has experience fighting in tight fabrics--Coulson, go get Romanoff and tell her to find Banner, delegate that shit.
COULSON: What about Ant-Man?
FURY: He's already here, he was right over… [checks bottom of boot] … he's busy right now.
HILL: What about Wasp? I can call Janet up--
FURY: You and Romanoff, that's two whole women. Do you understand that this is twice as many as most action movies have? I don't know how many more ladies you think I can cram into this Initiative.
HILL: Well, what about Tony's BFF War Machine, even? It'd be like having two Iron Men!
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FURY: Hill, if we get enough superheroes together to win this thing before it even starts, this movie will be over in half an hour. This ain't Marvel's Avengers Assemble for Five Minutes.
The side-eye, expertly executed
Some Russian Mobster Warehouse
[…where they store fight scenes. Also, chandeliers. You gotta get a chandelier. PREVIOUSLY ON: IRON MAN 2 (2010), Natasha Romanoff was an undercover spysassin with S.H.I.E.L.D. who spent a lot of time up in Tony Stark's business because reasons, and who also specializes in catsuit waif-fu. She is currently tied to a chair, in imminent danger of tooth extraction while a sleazy mobster monologues at her, until… his phone rings?]
NATASHA [phone on shoulder]: Do you mind, Coulson? I'm subverting the expectations of the patriarchy over here, I can't make torture pouts if I'm ON THE PHONE.
COULSON [on phone]: We've got a Code 7, Natasha. Need you to go get Big Green.
NATASHA: Oh, COME ON! I'm nearly done working these morons over--
HEAD GENERAL RUSSIAN MOBSTER: Эй!
COULSON: EXCUSE ME THIS IS IMPORTANT
NATASHA: Please. Which end-of-the-world scenario is Seven? Scared baby monsters, or running away from the temperature, or California falling into the sea?
COULSON: Alien army using Ultimate Cube of Ultimate Power to destroy the planet.
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NATASHA: Chairing some guys to death, please hold.
HEAD GENERAL RUSSIAN MOBSTER: Что?
It takes many years to master the art of chairtitsu
♪♫ The girl from I-pa-nema goes wal-king and… ♪♫
COULSON: Don't forget your foot fetish.
NATASHA [retrieving spike-heeled shoes] [tiptoeing slooooow] [in ripped black stockinnngsss]: Oh, thanks.
Some Destitute Village, India
[PREVIOUSLY ON: A COUPLE OF HULK MOVIES that I'm not sure we're supposed to remember since they keep recasting Bruce Banner, HULK SMASH.]
NATASHA: Dr. Banner, I have come all by myself and without any stealth troops aiming massive guns at you right now because S.H.I.E.L.D. needs you to find the Ultimate Cube of Ultimate Power by searching for its gamma ray emissions and… um. Gamma rays. You know. The whole… you… thing.
BRUCE: But I really like working with the dying desperate poor in India! It's so relaxing!
NATASHA: But the planet needs you--
BRUCE: ROAR NO!
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[Natasha and her stealth troops shit kittens.]
BRUCE: lol j/k
Some Vintage Gym
[PREVIOUSLY ON: CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011), this whole Tesseract thing was explained, so I hope you saw it. In case you didn't, Steve Rogers is punching his flashbacks in the face to catch you up on how he sacrificed himself during World War II to save the Ultimate Cube from Red Skeletor and ended up frozen in the Arctic for a number of decades and missed his dance with Peggy Carter who's stuck here in 70 years later in the deleted scenes, woe.]
FURY: Rogers, before we finally got around to digging you out of an ice floe, we recovered the Tesseract from the ocean floor where Red Skeletor dropped it--
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STEVE: Look, could we not go through my flashbacks again? This is really painful for me.
FURY: BLAH BLAH BLAH ALIEN NORSE GOD HAS IT NOW YOU GONNA HELP US GET IT BACK OR NOT?
The Brand-New STARK Building, Manhattan
PEPPER: Hay Phil haaaaay
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TONY: Excuse me, Coulson, the lady and I are having champagne time right now. Never interrupt a man's champagne time.
COULSON: Mr. Stark, we have a Code 7 world-ending scenario that requires your immediate attention!
TONY: Coulson, I just built this entire tower with my own two hands and invented an entirely new, ego-based form of clean energy to power it, and my goatee is tired. GTFO, s'il vous plaît.
COULSON: Read this. Then you'll understand.
A SMALL TOP SECRET FILE: DEPARTMENT OF BACK STORY--IRON EYES ONLY.
TONY: Well, being a multitasking playboy hyphenate genius and all, I can knock this out in plenty of time before Pepper has to fly to D.C.--
[When Tony loads it onto his magical touch-screen computer system, the PREVIOUSLY ONs cover every glass surface in the penthouse, including all the windows, two TVs, three side tables and a small microwave oven.]
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TONY: LIFE RUINER.
Loki's Secret Underground Lab
[…because where else are you going to do secret underground science? Surprisingly, the God of Mischief turns out to be an incredibly supportive employer, when he's not mind-melding with the Chitauri's very impatient, extremely cranky pain specialists.]
LOKI: Anything you need? My lab is your lab. Coffee? Ergonomic chair? Squeezy stress-relief ball? Because I could really use a squeezy stress-relief ball right now.
SELVIG [starry-eyed]: Tess is all I need. Well, actually, Tess would like some iridium.
CLINT [studying schematics]: Welp, looks like I'll need an eyeball to get it.
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LOKI: Done! Mischief Unlimited is dedicated to providing solutions for you.
The Helicarrier
STEVE: Where do you even get a giant amphibious invisible airship?
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FURY: Bought it off a couple of disappointed steampunks. Too many of the gears actually did something.
BRUCE: I've cellphoned the satellites to facial the recognitions! Your rogue Norse god seems to be... going to the opera in Germany?
NATASHA: We have to catch him! Everyone on the Quinjet!
STEVE: But... if he's in Germany right now, and we're in the United States...
NATASHA: But the Quinjet is really fast!
STEVE: ... seriously, I've been on this trip before, it kind of takes a while...
NATASHA: GET ON THE JET, IT'S ALREADY HALFWAY THERE
Hindsight Being What It Is
FURY: Look, Coulson, I'd like to have a talk with you while everyone else is out heroing. This is a Joss Whedon Experience so obviously someone is going to bite it, and I don't like your chances. Do you have eight days until retirement?
COULSON: Nope, I'm planning to work right up until the day I die.
FURY: Coulson, this is the kind of shit I'm talking about. Do you have a wife and/or kids? Do you have cherished pictures of them that you show to coworkers at emotional moments?
COULSON: Just my vintage Captain America trading cards!
FURY: Right… but are you in love with anyone besides Rogers?
COULSON: There's this cellist I kind of, you know, like-like, but…
FURY: That's not good. Are you someone's mother? A musical love interest? A lesbian?
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost as your own. cleolinda.livejournal.com
COULSON: I'm… pretty sure… none of the above?
FURY [narrowing eye]: You might just have a fighting chance, Coulson.
COULSON: Well, I hope so, because I've got a lot to live for--
FURY: DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME.
Stuttgart State Opera, Cleveland, Germany
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Pleas e quote or link back, do not repost as your own. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Loki pimps on into Der Fancypantsenpartyein, which is terrible fake German and yet more than anyone speaks in this scene.]
LOOK AT THIS GQ MOTHERTRICKSTER
HIS SCARF IS FLY AND SO ARE HIS DADDY ISSUES
DAMN
Some Secret Underground Science Vault
[If you don't store your science underground, I just really don't even know why you bother.]
CLINT: Ready to scan some retinas, boss!
Die Screaminrunninhiden
[And then Loki has some kind of ocular zester thing and does something screamy to Dr. Iridium's eye AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS BECAUSE I COULDN'T WATCH IT AND THEN I GUESS HE BEAMS IT OVER TO HAWKEYE SOMEHOW UNDERGROUND RETINAL SCANNER VAULT BLEE OMG EYE THINGS NOOOOO]
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost as your own. cleolinda.livejournal.com
THE TERRIFIED MULTITUDES: OKTOBERFEST!!!
[Out in the street, Loki morphs into his full kingly, hornly regalia, using illusions of himself to corral the shrieking crowd, because Loki Laufeyson is gonna rule the shit out of something before the night is over.]
(LOKI)²: Mortal ants! I have come to crush you beneath my godly boot, to toss you on my immortal horns, and to liberate you from the double-plus ungoodness of personal autonomy! Bow to the multiple iterations of my singular purpose, and I will free you from freedom!
SOME GERMAN GUY [whispering to companion]: I have questions.
SOME GERMAN GIRL: Go for it.
SOME GERMAN GUY: What is he saying?
SOME GERMAN GIRL: It seems to be English, but strangely, I understand it perfectly.
SOME GERMAN GUY: No, I do too, I just do not understand what any of those words mean in that order. Where did he come from? What does he want? How are there two of him at once? How does he not collapse under the weight of those gigantic elk horns?
LOKI: KNEEEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!!!!1!!!
ONE PRECIOUS OLD MAN: In Germany, we will bow to no more tyrants. Never again.
A LOKI: Are those… sad Holocaust movie violins? Did you just Godwin me?
ANOTHER LOKI: *SCEPTER BL--
A LOKI: Oh, what now?
STEVE [brandishing shield]: Son, I'm the man who punched Hitler in the face. I'm here to drink Ovaltine and kick ass, and they don't make Ovaltine anymore.
A LOKI: Actually, I'm pretty sure they do?
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STEVE: Ooh, really?
A LOKI: *SCEPTER BLAST*
[Somehow, Cap expects to defeat a laserspear-wielding villain with nothing but defensive equipment. Fortunately, Tony awesomes down in his Iron Man suit.]
TONY: Where's the life ruiner?
EVERYONE: *points*
TONY: Your ass is mine, Blitzen.
[As it turns out, scepter beats shield, but awesome beats scepter, and "henchdudes running away with the iridium" beats "not being able to be in two places at once."]
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LOKI: Unlike some of us.
TONY: Give it up, Loki!
LOKI [shrugging]: Okay.
A Dark and Stormy Night
STEVE: Do you find it a little bit, you know, suspicious that he just... gave up?
TONY: Nah. Not being able to handle my awesome is a fairly standard reaction.
LOKI: Pardon--this "Quinjet" of yours, is it weather-proof?
NATASHA: I... guess...?
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[THOR'D!]
Some German Forest
[PREVIOUSLY ON: THOR (2011), Thor's brother Loki found out that he was not actually the Asgardian son of Odin, but rather the discarded runt of the king of the vanquished frost giants, and also he was really super bitter about Thor showing off all the time, and thus: shenanigans. Of course, the last time we saw Asgard, Thor had pounded the Intergalactic Rainbow Bridge into confetti and Loki was making tragic faces in a black hole.]
THOR: Brother! Thou dost live!
LOKI: Yes, of course I do, don't you ever watch after-credits scenes?
THOR: …nay?
LOKI: Well, I convinced your precious Dr. Selvig to work on the Tesseract and, no thanks to you, I did climb out of that galactic abyss you threw me into--
THOR: I flung thee into no abyss, brother! THOU DIDST LET GO SEEMINGLY FOR NO REASON BUT TO MAKE ME FEEL REALLY REALLY BAD
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LOKI: I SHOULD BE A KING!!!!
THOR: VERILY, ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN?!
[IRON'D!]
[While Loki chillaxes on a cliff and doesn't run away, Tony and Thor battle over who had dibs.]
THOR: Thou hast no idea with what thou dealest, interloper! The Allfather hath labored mightily to get around that "no way to get back to Earth" thing so that I might deliver Loki to a higher justice than thine!
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost as your own. cleolinda.livejournal.com
TONY: Look, my Moët's getting warm, so let's make this simple: Dasher gives back the cube and you can take the Anteloper straight to the glue factory for all I care--
THOR: THOU SPEAKEST OF MY BROTHER!!
Elsewhere in the Dark Forest
SNOW WHITE: Huntsman! The Queen's albino incest henchbrother approaches!
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THOROMIR: SHALT BE THERE IN A MOMENT, SNOW, THRASHING SOME GAUDY KNIGHT OVER HERE
Over Here
[Tech and Legend blast each other with various forms of energy for a while, until Thor makes a massive tactical error:]
TONY: Do you know what happens to an Iron Man when it's struck by lightning?
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THOR: Well--thou wouldst think, the same thing that happens to everything else--
[Then Steve parachutes in, because he can't stand anyone having fun on company time. The boys play shield-hammer-awesome for a while, but it turns out, surprisingly enough, that shield beats hammer.]
SOME GERMAN FOREST:
POOOOOOOOOOM
This ecosystem supported three whole movies' worth of dwarves, you asshats!
TONY: Good one, Captain Planet.
STEVE: Why are we using up valuable effects money fighting each other?!
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LOLOLOLOKI: }:D
The Helicarrier
[Bruce is just innocently sciencing his gamma rays when the boys bring Loki back…]
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LOKI: }; )
[…to be put in a plastiglass cell, since no one needs it for Magneto anymore.]
FURY: It's god-proof, too. You try to escape, we drop this shit out thirty thousand feet over the ocean, and--
LOKI: And I'll… what? Escape really hard?
FURY: Left a couple of magazines in there for you. Try the Highlights for Children. Great comic in the back. About a guy named Gallant and his dumbass fuck-up brother.
LOKI: }: [
Banner-Stark Airborne Laboratories
[…where Tony and Bruce are having a play date, detectioning the gammatical raybeams and whatnot.]
TONY: After all this is over, will you come to my house for science? Pepper will make us whiskey and s'mores, it'll change your life.
BRUCE: I don't know, I kind of trashed Harlem that time, I don't know if I'm welcome in the state of New York anymore…
TONY: *poke*
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TICKLE ME HULKSMASH: Tee hee!
STEVE: Stop endangering the team with sharp objects! YOU ARE WASTING TIME ON THIS RECREATIONAL SCIENCE!
TONY: Nope, Banner's already got the gamma-seeking plot-detection system going. Now we're just waiting on my decryption program to process all of Fury's ominous shadow government secrets. I mean, I've got enough ego to power the civilized world, and yet, somehow, they did all their clean energy research on the Tesseract without me. Obviously, chicanery is in progress.
STEVE: But--what? The United States government is the beneficent fount of all good things! They couldn't possibly be doing anything shady they wouldn't tell us about!
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TONY: lol
Some Super-Secret Storage Unit Full of Super-Secret Weapons
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STEVE: >:O
Loki's God-Proof Cell
NATASHA: I'll let you out if you spare Clint. I know you're planning to toast us all, but I owe him one.
LOKI: You liiii~iiiike hiiiiim
NATASHA: Nah, he was sent to kill me but he let me come work for S.H.I.E.L.D. instead and we badassed around Europe assassinating things instead, it was pretty awesome. It would be a shame if someone that good at killing people got dead.
LOKI: I'll make him kiiii~iiiilllll youuuuu
NATASHA [trembling]: But--why? I'm telling you that I'm a duplicitous murdering hypocrite, couldn't you use someone like me?
LOKI: I will make him kill you in terrible ways until you feel terrible and die terribly, and then I will make him feel terrible about it, and then I will kill him terribly also because you are bad and you should feel bad, you mewling [REDACTED] bootlicking [CENSORED] catsuited [BLEEEEEEEEEP]!
NATASHA [weeping, batting lashes]: YOU MONSTER! I'M GLAD YOU'RE IN A MONSTER-PROOF CAGE, MONSTER!!
LOKI: Oh, you might wish it was available for someone else by the time I'm done.
© 2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost as your own. cleolinda.livejournal.com
NATASHA [on radio]: Bighorn's given up the intel, his play is exploiting Big Green. [To Loki:] lol kthnx, bb.
LOKI: }: [
Asgard, Tomorrow
ODIN: My son--
LOKI: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
ODIN: MY SON, why would you lurk in your transparent prison cell and torment your visitors with predatory mind games? Why would you do such a thing?
LOKI: I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU, ALLFATHER! I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!!
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ODIN: GO TO YOUR ABYSS AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
Banner-Stark Airborne Laboratories
STEVE [slamming down super secret weapon]: I am shocked, shocked, and disappointed that you would super-secret-weaponize the Ultimate Cube, Director Fury!
FURY: Well, I'm sorry that some DAMN ALIEN GODS came and BLEW UP NEW FUCKING MEXICO--
THOR: THOU DOST EXAGGERATE MOST DISHONORABLY! It was only one small town, and we only singed it a little!
FURY: --but we kind of thought we might NEED SOME SHIT to TAKE CARE of that THE NEXT FUCKING TIME!
THOR: Thou art a stupidhead most dim to think that using the Tesseract would not merely draw the attention of all the other villains in the universe!
FURY: FUCK THEE WITH THY HAMMER SIDEWAYS!
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THOR: lol, thou mad
STEVE: Our Norse compatriot is right! In my day, we fought with honor and skill, not weapons of mass destruction!
TONY: In your day, we dropped the atomic bomb!
STEVE: Wait, we did?
TONY: Maybe if you had done the background reading, you would know that.
STEVE: Oh, I'm sorry, I was too BUSY sacrificing MYSELF for MY COUNTRY in a THRILLING BITTERSWEET FINALE, something YOU will never know ANYTHING ABOUT!
TONY: Aw, Betsy Ross needs to come put someone down for a cookie and a nap.
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost as your own. cleolinda.livejournal.com
STEVE: OH, GO PROFITEER FROM SOME WAR, JUNIOR
TONY: ONE MORE WORD AND I WILL TAKE THAT HOOD AND CHOKE YOU OUT
STEVE: NO YOU!
TONY: NO YOU!
BRUCE: WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING, HULK DOES NOT LIKE YELLING
LOKI'S SCEPTER ON THE LAB TABLE: <;D-----
BRUCE: WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING ME HERE I WAS HAPPY IN STEREOTYPICAL INDIA WITH ALL THE PEOPLE DYING AROUND ME BUT NOOOOOO YOU JUST HAD TO STUFF ME INTO AN INVISIBLE AIRSHIP WHERE I COULD EMIT SO MUCH GAMMA RAGE THAT LOKI'S MIND-CONTROL SOLDIERS WILL BE ABLE TO LOCATE US AND THEY WILL PROBABLY KILL HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IF I DON'T KILL EVERYONE FIRST AND YOU CAN'T KILL ME BACK I KNOW BECAUSE I TRIED SEVERAL TIMES WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ENUMERATE MY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS BECAUSE I MADE A LOT OF THEM.
EVERYONE: …
TONY: Well… this is just... awkward.
[UNEXPECTED CLINTSPLOSION IS UNEXPECTED]
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[AVENGERS GO FLYING]
[This is what happens when you don't keep your science underground.]
The Pipes and Hiding Places Compartment
[When Natasha regains consciousness, she finds herself trapped with a struggling Bruce,who is failing to contain his rageformation. Unfortunately, the explosion has thrown them into a completely different genre.]
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost as your own. cleolinda.livejournal.com
NATASHA: Why is there a horror movie stored on this ship? DAMMIT, I'M NOT A FINAL GIRL!
THE HULK: ROAAARRRR!
NATASHA: Bruce! Why are you mad at me? I didn't blow up the lab! I wasn't even the one yelling! Bruce!
THINK OF POVERTY IN INDIA, BRUCE!
NATASHA: Bruce! You can [running] control this! You can [ducking] tell the difference between [dodging] friend and foe!
THE HULK: ROAAAAAA [HULKING] AAAAARRRRR [SMASHING] RRRRRRR!!
NATASHA: COME ON, BRUCE, YOU COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE AT THE END OF YOUR LAST MOVIE!
THE HULK: HULK NOT SURE IF CANON! ROARRRRR!
[And then a three-ring circus breaks out on the engine-failing, free-falling Helicarrier: mischief troops in S.H.I.E.L.D. disguises pouring out of an airborne clown car, bullets and knives and grenades flying, computers exploding, Hill shooting someone, Fury shooting everyone, Tony trying to restart the Helicarrier's engines while getting dragged around in the turbine--]
TONY: Rogers! Relay the polarity--when the superbreakers conduct--the overload reverse!
STEVE: What the fudge, Stark?
TONY: PUUUULLLLL THE LEEEEEVEEEERRRRRR
[Thor lion-taming the Hulk with Mjölnir and a chair while destroying the few precious parts of the Helicarrier that aren't already on fire--]
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FURY: MY DAMN SHIP! SOMEBODY OUT THERE THROW SOME BULLETS!
[A fighter pilot gunning for Bruce, because apparently we just want to see how angry the Hulk can actually get--]
A THING THAT ENDS WELL: *JET PUNCH* *PILOT THROW* *FREEFALL*
THE HULK: ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR
FURY: *patchpalm*
[A Loki tricking Thor (again) (some more) into his god-proof cell--]
LOKI: Did you watch your own movie at all, brother?
[Coulson arriving with a Super Secret Super Weapon--]
COULSON: Step away from Donald, please. I don't know what this does, except that we engineered it from smoldering bits of Norse robot that you sent to kill him in your previous movie, so I'm guessing it's got a really strong irony kick.
[Another Loki stabbing Coulson in the back--]
THOR: NOOOOO! SON OF COUL!!
A LOKI: [dumping Thor]: Awww. Well: places to be, peoples to subjugate.
[Natasha acrobattling Clint's taekwonbow in the catwalk compartment--]
This picture is everything I want to be
[Coulson making his last stand--]
COULSON [tragically mouth-bleeding]: You're going to lose, Loki. You are a villain in a superhero movie. When was the last time you ever saw evil ever triumph? I mean, really triumph, run the credits, game over?
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LOKI: Mortal, please. There was... wait, no... there was... surely...
COULSON'S CALLBACK CANNON: *BOOM!*
[Loki escaping anyway on his mischief jet while Coulson dies--]
COULSON: It's okay, boss. They were never going to get over themselves if they didn't have something to… AVENGE™.
FURY: Damn that foxy cellist!
COULSON: *death nod*
FURY'S EYEPATCH: *emo tear*
[So... yeah. It's pretty much the worst circus ever. This, and the one when I was eight that ran out of cotton candy.]
Some Airborne Recovery Room
CLINT: Natasha… how did you unwash my brain?
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NATASHA: Little something I saw on TV. I hit you in the head until your mind got right again.
CLINT: Which show?
NATASHA: All of them.
And then a fanfic breaks out
CLINT: I just feel so terrible--I mean, do you know what it's like to have your personhood disrespected, to be used without consent, to feel so violated?
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NATASHA: I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.
CLINT: *hangs head*
NATASHA: Look, it's okay. You and me, we're just badass spysassins; we weren't trained to deal with this alien trickster bullshit--
CLINT: I KNOW, RIGHT?
NATASHA: --and besides, none of the hundred people you killed even had names. I mean, Loki, with that Someone We Actually Know thing? He's the one in deep shit.
Conference Table of Mourning
FURY: Don't you pull those sad motherfucking faces at me. Do you know what kind of day I've had? I've lost my ragemonster AND my Norse god, half my ship, and all my redshirts. You brand-name punk-asses are the only ones left worth a damn. And you don't even give a shit. You know who did? Agent Coulson. And now, he's DEAD. Do you know what he had in his coat pocket, right over his heart, to the very end?
[Fury throws down a handful of sepia-tone vintage Captain America trading cards, spattered copiously, piteously, with blood.]
HILL: Weren't those in his locker, sealed in archival-quality mylar?
FURY: RIGHT OVER HIS HEART. Because Phil Coulson believed in you.
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HILL: So that's why you were messing around with that blown-up cadet?
FURY: SHUT IT, HILL
Somewhere, In the Secret Government Facility in the Sky
[No, I mean a metaphorical one.]
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ANGEL COULSON: THOSE CARDS WERE MINT IN PACKAGE!!
The Philip Coulson Memorial Helicarrier
[And so the Avengers begin to pull their shit together. Thor finds Mjölnir in Some Meadow by the Sea and snuggles it tenderly, relieved that he doesn't have to go through an OMG AM I WORTHY? subplot again. Bruce wakes up in a pile of rubble with a hulkover. Back on what's left of the airship, Tony and Steve suit up and try to... well, figure out what the hell to do next.]
STEVE: So let's say for one moment that you're able to get over your vain rockstar individualism and play nice with the other children--
TONY: It would be difficult, yeah.
STEVE: --where do we even start looking for Loki?
TONY: Well, how does a guy like this think? He wants to rule the world but he wants everyone to see him do it. He wants to kick ass while his theme music plays in the background. This is a guy who says, no no, one giant protuberance on my helmet is not enough; I need two. If only there were some phallic monument to ego with his name emblazoned across the top that Prancer could observe his awesome from...
STEVE: *pointed look*
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TONY: ... LIFE RUINER!!
The __ARK Building
[On the conveniently stage-shaped portion of Stark Tower, Loki is trying to figure out how you could turn a T into an L and if you can cut an S in half and stick it back together as a little O, while Professor Selvig gleefully kickstarts the end of the world by unlocking a galactic whirlportal with a big blue beam from the Tesseract.]
SELVIG: SO SHINY.
[The good news is, Tony has figured out that Loki and Selvig have hijacked his crib. The bad news is, the Iron Suit is hand-wash only and got pretty damaged back there in the spin cycle, and Tony's got to figure out a way to get hold of his new experimental armor while Loki's strolling around the Champagne Room.]
TONY: Can I get you a drink? Scotch, bourbon, mead?
LOKI: You can get me… YOUR FREE WILL. [taps heart with scepter]
TONY: …
LOKI: *TAP TAP TAP*
TONY'S MECHANICAL HEART: …
TONY: Seriously, am I the only person who did the background reading around here?
LOKI: WELL IF YOU DID YOUR HOMEWORK YOU WILL KNOW THAT MY ALIEN ARMY IS ON ITS WAY TO CRISP YOUR PRECIOUS EARTH.
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TONY: Yeah, okay. Are they giant blue catpeople? Are they Transformers by the sea? Do they want to hug us in the face? No? Then I think we have a chance. Come at me with the Chitown Atari, bro.
LOKI: }: [
:D
LOKI: *CHOKE THROW*
A Scene That Must Have Happened
J.A.R.V.I.S.: Sir, are you certain we need to add a bracelet-based window-jumping functionality that allows you to don the newest iteration of the Iron Suit while you are in freefall? This seems like a highly specific yet unlikely scenario.
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TONY: You are really underestimating the number of people who want to throw me out windows, Jarvis.
J.A.R.V.I.S.: Touché, sir.
Three Inches from the Pavement
TONY: lol @ u
The __ARK Building
LOKI: *R SMASH*
The __A_K Building
THOR: NO, BROTHER! THOU ART MY BROTHER, BROTHER!
LOKI: Soon, your precious Earth will be nothing but convention panels and cosplay as far as the eye can see, and Loki Laufeyson shall rule as Guest of Honor above all!
THOR: Brother--what dost thou mean by this?
LOKI: You will see.
THOR: Brother! It is not too late, brother! We can stop this together, brother! Thou shalt always be guest of honor in my heart!
LOKI: *STAB*
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THOR: WHY DOST THOU HAVE SO MANY ISSUES?!
The Quinjet
[Steve, who likes planes, marches out to the Quinjet with Natasha, who likes tiny guns and head-kicking, and Clint, who would like shooting Loki in the eye, because that would be ironic, and several times if possible. Unfortunately, they are too late to stop the Chitauri from pouring out of the portal on their hoverboards and cybertoboggans to blast the people of New York, who roll their eyes and begrudgingly go into the Total Scifi Destruction Flailing Procedure they get drilled on the first Wednesday of every month. Then, it gets worse.]
~* SPECIAL REPORT: SUPERHERO JET CRASH IN MANHATTAN*~
SOME NEWS ANCHOR: --state of New York is issuing an emergency action scene warning--repeat, there may be an action movie unfolding in the downtown Manhattan area; all viewers are advised to run screaming. And now, back to Shelly with the weather.
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SOME METEOROLOGIST [drawing on map]: Well, I'm seeing a 100% chance of alien invasion coming down from a cosmic depression over the Stark Building. Down on the ground we have exploding cars and scattered carnage, but a smash front coming in from the north ought to clear all that out. The National Weather Service is issuing a Severe Thunderstorm Warning for the Chrysler Building with a 63% chance of a Norse god using it as a lightning rod, and visibility's low with all the hoverboards in the air--we advise staying off the roads and away from office buildings until the giant alien warships get cleared away. Jim, how's the traffic look from up there in the WTFF News Chopper?
SOME TRAFFIC REPORTER: *cries*
The Streets of Manhattan
[The Quinjet Three try to help the police evacuate the citizenry while Tony blasts everything he can lay gauntlets on and Thor arrives to drop the hammer. Then, it gets worser.]
CLINT: Is that a...
NATASHA: It's kind of... turtle-faced?
CLINT: But longer, like a centip...eel? A centipeel?
SOME CYBERNETIC LEVIATHAN SHIP: *DRAGONWORMS*
STEVE: You saw those doggone aliens up close, Stark--what are they?
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TONY [landing]: They are--ANGRY JOSS WHEDON FANS. They've been promised snarky metafictional dialogue, and they won't stop until they get it.
EVERYONE: >:O
[They continue flooding out of the portal with their great cry of war: ]
THE CHITAURI: YOU JUST HAVE TO GET THROUGH THE FIRST SIX EPISODES!!
Natasha, get under my shield! Only vibranium can withstand their flames!
STEVE: They're dropping Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Complete Series on Manhattan!
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THOR: All thirty-nine discs?
THOU FIENDS!
[But all hope is not lost!]
STEVE: Bruce! You came back! You found clothes! And a really sweet motorcycle! Seriously, I would like to borrow that when you're done with it.
NATASHA: Wait, how are you just suddenly okay?
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BRUCE: Well, after I convinced Harry Dean Stanton I wasn't an alien and he could put that space rifle down, he took me to a deleted scene and fixed me right up. I should take you there sometime.
TONY [on radio]: Bringin' in the big fish, Ahab, gonna need you to make a call here.
Can it be a long-distance call?
STEVE: Well, if we all play to our strengths, I bet dollars to donuts we can beat these gosh-darned rascals. Can we put aside our differences, such as the time Bruce tried to tear Natasha's head off, or the time Thor whacked Bruce upside the head with Myeumeu, or the time Clint killed half the S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel, and come together as a team to save the world?
THOR: You have my hammer.
CLINT: And my bow.
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BRUCE: And HULK SMASH.
SOME LEVIATHAN: *TURTLEROAR*
[*FACE PUNCH*]
THE HULK: IS HULK FAVORITE MOVIE. *NOD*
[And so the Hulk is finally allowed to smash free as a thing that loves smashing and freedom, while Thor blows another warship up with the Chrysler Lightning Rod and Tony gives one of the Leviathan ships an Iron Colonic and Steve shields everyone in the head and Clint arrows everyone in the face without even looking and now Thor and the Hulk are fighting off Jayne-hatted Browncoats who pelt them with Firefly DVDs.]
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THE HULK: HULK WILL WATCH WHEN HULK LESS BUSY!!
THOR: Verily, art there only fourteen episodes? Thou couldst knock this out in a weekend--
THE HULK: *THOR PUNCH*
[And there are still thousands more Chitauri on the way for a Dr. Horrible sing-along. Someone is going to have to do something.]
NATASHA: Gimme a boost, I'm gonna hijack a hoverboard and deal with this Tesseract business.
STEVE: But--you have no special powers! The superfans will eat you alive!
NATASHA: Please. I'm a Strong Female Character. By the time I'm done, there will be doctoral theses in my honor. HEY, LOOK! OVER THERE! RIVER TAM WANTS TO KICK YOUR ASS!
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SOME CHITAURI: *swoons*
[Natasha stabs Some Chitauri in the back and joysticks him all the way up to the Stark Building. Who says girls aren't gamers?]
The __A_K Building
[Selvig's mind gets right after he's clonked by a falling K, just in time to realize that he's probably ended the world.]
SELVIG: I couldn't help myself! Except that actually I kind of knew better the whole time. Tess was just--so shiiiiiny! I DID IT ALL FOR YOU, TESS!
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NATASHA: Do you... need a moment in your bunk or something?
SELVIG: If you could just grab Loki's scepterspear whatever and turn off the portal-opener thing what opens the portal, that'd be great, sure.
[Loki is, somewhat understandably, not on board with this development.]
LOKI: ALL RIGHT, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING HEROES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING TOWER--
THE HULK:
*METRONOME BEATDOWN*
LOKI: ...rrrnnghhh.
NATASHA: Bruce! Why didn't you just do that half the movie ago?!
THE HULK [SHRUGGING]: NOBODY ASKED HULK TO SMASH.
The Streets of Manhattan
[However, even though Loki's been put in time-out, it gets moar worser. The streets are still blowing up, the aliens are still invading, the dragonworms are still centipeeling, the Avengers are taking some attractive light wounds, and Clint has to use his last arrow to rappel away from enraged Chitauri who have just realized he is not Nathan Fillion. How much longer can they hold out?]
THOR: Art thou hurt, O my Captain?
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STEVE: I'll… walk it off… [falling to his knees] …this Spuffy time-travel angst fic… is really good…
They just love their moms so much, you know?
THOR: NO, CAPTAIN! THOU MUST NOT SURRENDER!
STEVE: But… Buffy and Philosophy is... really… thought-provoking...
THOR: OVER THERE! GRENADES UPON WHICH THOU CANST THROW THYSELF!
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STEVE: OH BOY!!
[Then... it gets worstest.]
The Helicarrier
POWERS BOOTHE, ON BEHALF OF THE SUPER SECRET SHADOW COUNCIL: So we're thinking, nuke Manhattan. I mean, to hell with all this. It'd be cheaper to just salt the earth and wait for nuclear spring. Insurance even covered it last time.
FURY: NUKE IT?!
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POWERS BOOTHE: [shrugging]: It's the only way to be sure--
FURY: --sure my FOOT is up your ASS!
[HEY, HEY NICK, MAYBE BLOWING UP A NUCLEAR MISSILE ISN'T THE BEST IDEA, HEY NICK--]
I would say something about "great vengeance and Furyous anger"
but I think we're all better than that
[Unfortunately, the only thing worse than shooting down one nuclear bomber jet is not shooting down the other one.]
FURY [on radio]: HEY STARK, I HEAR YOU NEED A REDEMPTION
TONY [on radio]: HAVEN'T I HAD ENOUGH OF THOSE ALREADY?!
[But Tony knows he's right: the nuke problem is also the solution to the alien problem. Natasha is shutting the gateway! The Mark VII suit is running out of power! Most likely his awesome will perish in the attempt!]
J.A.R.V.I.S.: Could we get Master Odinson to recharge us?
TONY: NO JARVIS THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME
J.A.R.V.I.S.: Sir, we've already been overly intimate with one alien warship today, do we really have to shove a nuclear suppository up-
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TONY: THAT'S WHY IT'S A SACRIFICE, JARVIS
J.A.R.V.I.S. [sighing]: ...I'll initiate the Dying Wish Procedure.
[But Tony can't get hold of Pepper, because she and her phone are lost somewhere in space and time on the longest flight to D.C. ever. Ironmanfully, he snaffles the nuke off Bomber #2 and heads for the Chitauri mothership and mostly-certain doom. It's not a Mac virus, but it'll do.]
SOME CORRECTLY SPHERICAL SPACE EXPLOSION:
O
[Who could possibly save Tony from galactic freefall?]
AND IIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIII
WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU
[The Chitauri army collapses, appeased by the similarity of Tony's sacrifice to the Buffy season 5 finale. Unfortunately, despite the Hulk's herculean green hug, Tony is dead. Real real trufax dead.]
TONY: X_X
STEVE [mournfully]: I should have never challenged him to a redemptive character arc!
TONY: X_X
CLINT: Wait--Natasha, aren't they already filming Iron Man 3?
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NATASHA: Well, I'm here with you guys, so I don't know?
TONY: X_X
FURY [on radio]: Tell him we'll let Guy Pearce have the whole movie.
THE HULK: HULK LOVE GUY PEARCE!
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TONY: I'M HERE, I'M HERE, I'M AWESOME AND HERE
[The remaining Chitauri fall to their knees in worship of Action Girl, Captain Tightpants, Dr. Hulkible, Captain Hammer, and the God of Snark.]
CLINT: HEY I WAS ACTUALLY ON ANGEL ONE TIME
THE CHITAURI: ooooohhhhhh
After Lunch
[Taking no notice of the world's reactions online and off--the uncomfortably familiar Please Help Us Find Our Terrorized Loved Ones fliers and the angry Congressmen and and the Tumblr gifs and the goateed lolcats--the Avengers say goodbye, going their separate ways for now. Having peeled Loki out of a Loki-shaped hole in the floor, Thor prepares to beam him back to Asgard with the Tesseract; Clint and Natasha go off to assassinate the patriarchy some more in a movie of their very own; Steve vrooms away on Harry Dean Stanton's motorcycle; and Bruce gets into Tony's convertible.]
TONY [on phone]: PEPPER, PEPPER I FOUND A HULK, PEPPER CAN I KEEP HIM??
THOR: Brother, as I bring thee back to Asgard and thy family--
LOKI: ADOPTED FAMILY
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THOR: SHUT UP WE ARE SO THY FAMILY, I hope thou canst put thy scheming ways aside.
LOKI: Ah, but this was all part of my Cunning Plan to get you to take me back to Asgard so I could get the Infinity Gauntlet, as PREVIOUSLY SEEN ON THOR, so I win either way.
THOR: Brother, I just… sometimes I just cannot even with thee, I swear.
LOKI: }:D
THOR: Selvig? The muzzle.
LOKI: }:X
The __A__ Building
FURY: ...and so that's why we're going to keep the Avengers Initiative around, even though they're a bunch of rogue uncontrollable misfits: because they GET IT DONE.
POWERS BOOTHE, ETC.: Seriously, are you shitting me.
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FURY: Yes, they're DANGEROUS--
TONY [drawing diagrams]: And I'll build a treehouse for Hawkeye here, and this is a firing range for Natasha's tiny guns, and Cap can park his motorcycle here, and here's a weather vane for Thor, and this is me and Bruce's lab, and--
FURY: AND NOW THE UNIVERSE KNOWS IT.
During the Credits
THE OTHER: The Marvel superheroes are stronger than we thought. To attack them is to court fanboy war. We need a hero, strong of chin and srs of bsns… A GRIMDARK KNIGHT.
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[A SHADOWY, HOODED FIGURE turns to the camera. It is CHRISTOPHER NOLAN, and he SMILES.]
After the Credits
And they lived shawarmily ever after, until they all had to go film sequels.
Fin.
( The Cleolinda Industries Tip Jar)
HI.
Got a new feature here: the LJ "like" function, which seems to work more like Tumblr's reblog than stealing my stuff, so I tentatively endorse this; it's not the problem I have with people jacking entire entries and reposting them as their own work.
ETA: Apparently the new LJ repost function is bringing in some (very angry) complaints, so we're going to have to reverse that endorsement. I'm leaving the Twitter/Facebook/G+ options on since no one seems to have any problems with those. If you are seeing this entry and do not wish to see this entry I am very sorry and have done what I can to prevent it from happening again.
This one ran long. Given the movie in question, I don't think anyone will really mind. Don't know what, if anything, I might do next, except that I will soldier through the ~thrilling conclusion~ of Breaking Dawn or die trying.
Somewhere in Deep Space
[Loki, God of Mischief, has returned from the galactic abyss to make a deal with the shadow-hoodie leader of the Chitauri:]
THE OTHER: Are you sure you want our help attacking Earth so you can rule it?
[The Other what?]
THE OTHER: Because we're going to trash the place, let me tell you.
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LOKI: Absolutely. So help me Allfather, I am going to subjugate something if it kills all of us. A small township, a parking deck, a coffee mug. I'm open to options here.
THE OTHER: And... if we help you rule... something, you'll turn the Ultimate Cube of Ultimate Power over to us?
LOKI: Cross my heart and hope to lie.
THE OTHER: Then, unto you, Loki Laufeyson, I bestow this laserblaster scepterspear. Go forth and wreck shit. But I warn you: should you fail, another, far greater than I, will be most displeased.
LOKI: An other? But you're the--
THE OTHER: ANOTHER OTHER. THE OTHER OTHER. JUST GO GET THE CUBE, OKAY.
Some Top-Secret Underground S.H.I.E.L.D. Facility
[Previously on all the Marvel movies ever, Samuel L. Jackson was in them if you stayed in your seat long enough.]
DIRECTOR NICK FURY: So WHY is the Tesseract doing shit on its own, exactly?
PROFESSOR SELVIG: Shhhh, you'll hurt Tess's feelings. It's a pretty widdle ultimate cube of ultimate power, yes it is.
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FURY: I knew we should have gotten Murry in on this instead. Where's Barton?
SELVIG: So shiny.
FURY: BARTON I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
[Clint Barton, code name: Hawkeye, is an archer/spysassin assigned to protect the Tesseract. Seriously, nothing is going to get past him. Absolutely nothing. You better believe it.]
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CLINT: Yeah, the rest of us are kind of concerned. I mean, the cube is a portal, right? We have no idea if there's cake on the other side, or if it's truthful at all.
FURY: Look, I don't know what the fuck it is, but I'm packing that shit up and--the fuck is this?
[While Fury is tossing some gangster's soul out of a suitcase, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE MATERIALIZES.]
Five Minutes Later
[Clint and Selvig drive off merrily into the night with the Tessacase; Loki, Asgardian god of legend, is riding in the back of their truck like someone's golden retriever.]
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FURY [on radio]: COME IN, SUPER SECRET SHADOW COUNCIL! SOME TRICK-ASS MOTHERFUCKER JUST CAME INTO MY FACILITY AND STOLE MY GODDAMN PLOT POINT, AND HE BRAINWASHED MY DAMN SCIENTIST AND MY GODDAMN SUPER ASSASSIN WITH SOME BULLSHIT GLOWSTICK CANE! THE FUCK YOU GONNA GET DOWN HERE AND DO ABOUT IT?
POWERS BOOTHE, ON BEHALF OF THE SUPER SECRET SHADOW COUNCIL: Did you get the Ominous Phase 2 Super-Weapons out?
FURY: HOW ABOUT YOU SEND ME A HELICOPTER AND THEN WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT?
It's the one that says BAD MUGHUQQA
POWERS BOOTHE: Did New Agent Hill and Fan Favorite Coulson make it out alive?
AGENT MARIA HILL [climbing out of wreckage]: I'M A LITTLE MORE CRUMPLED THAN I EXPECTED TO BE IN MY VERY FIRST SCENE, BUT I'M HERE
FURY: YES OF COURSE THEY GODDAMN DID, IT'S TOO FUCKING EARLY IN THE MOVIE FOR CHARACTERS WITH NAMES TO DIE! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?
[Then Fury's secret facility craters.]
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FURY: MY SATELLITE COLLECTION!!!
A Scene That Must Have Happened
FURY: SO WHO GETS TO BE IN THE AVENGER INITIATIVE AND GET MY DAMN CUBE BACK?
HILL: Well, obviously, everyone who already had their own movie.
FURY: So--Stark, Banner, and Rogers? We have enough screen time to handle that, yeah.
COULSON: Don't forget Donald! I never did get to debrief him.
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FURY: Vikings gonna vike on their own time, I'm not dealing with more alien shit. Again. SOME MORE. Barton's fried, so… let's bring in Black Widow, she has experience fighting in tight fabrics--Coulson, go get Romanoff and tell her to find Banner, delegate that shit.
COULSON: What about Ant-Man?
FURY: He's already here, he was right over… [checks bottom of boot] … he's busy right now.
HILL: What about Wasp? I can call Janet up--
FURY: You and Romanoff, that's two whole women. Do you understand that this is twice as many as most action movies have? I don't know how many more ladies you think I can cram into this Initiative.
HILL: Well, what about Tony's BFF War Machine, even? It'd be like having two Iron Men!
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FURY: Hill, if we get enough superheroes together to win this thing before it even starts, this movie will be over in half an hour. This ain't Marvel's Avengers Assemble for Five Minutes.
The side-eye, expertly executed
Some Russian Mobster Warehouse
[…where they store fight scenes. Also, chandeliers. You gotta get a chandelier. PREVIOUSLY ON: IRON MAN 2 (2010), Natasha Romanoff was an undercover spysassin with S.H.I.E.L.D. who spent a lot of time up in Tony Stark's business because reasons, and who also specializes in catsuit waif-fu. She is currently tied to a chair, in imminent danger of tooth extraction while a sleazy mobster monologues at her, until… his phone rings?]
NATASHA [phone on shoulder]: Do you mind, Coulson? I'm subverting the expectations of the patriarchy over here, I can't make torture pouts if I'm ON THE PHONE.
COULSON [on phone]: We've got a Code 7, Natasha. Need you to go get Big Green.
NATASHA: Oh, COME ON! I'm nearly done working these morons over--
HEAD GENERAL RUSSIAN MOBSTER: Эй!
COULSON: EXCUSE ME THIS IS IMPORTANT
NATASHA: Please. Which end-of-the-world scenario is Seven? Scared baby monsters, or running away from the temperature, or California falling into the sea?
COULSON: Alien army using Ultimate Cube of Ultimate Power to destroy the planet.
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NATASHA: Chairing some guys to death, please hold.
HEAD GENERAL RUSSIAN MOBSTER: Что?
It takes many years to master the art of chairtitsu
♪♫ The girl from I-pa-nema goes wal-king and… ♪♫
COULSON: Don't forget your foot fetish.
NATASHA [retrieving spike-heeled shoes] [tiptoeing slooooow] [in ripped black stockinnngsss]: Oh, thanks.
Some Destitute Village, India
[PREVIOUSLY ON: A COUPLE OF HULK MOVIES that I'm not sure we're supposed to remember since they keep recasting Bruce Banner, HULK SMASH.]
NATASHA: Dr. Banner, I have come all by myself and without any stealth troops aiming massive guns at you right now because S.H.I.E.L.D. needs you to find the Ultimate Cube of Ultimate Power by searching for its gamma ray emissions and… um. Gamma rays. You know. The whole… you… thing.
BRUCE: But I really like working with the dying desperate poor in India! It's so relaxing!
NATASHA: But the planet needs you--
BRUCE: ROAR NO!
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[Natasha and her stealth troops shit kittens.]
BRUCE: lol j/k
Some Vintage Gym
[PREVIOUSLY ON: CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011), this whole Tesseract thing was explained, so I hope you saw it. In case you didn't, Steve Rogers is punching his flashbacks in the face to catch you up on how he sacrificed himself during World War II to save the Ultimate Cube from Red Skeletor and ended up frozen in the Arctic for a number of decades and missed his dance with Peggy Carter who's stuck here in 70 years later in the deleted scenes, woe.]
FURY: Rogers, before we finally got around to digging you out of an ice floe, we recovered the Tesseract from the ocean floor where Red Skeletor dropped it--
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STEVE: Look, could we not go through my flashbacks again? This is really painful for me.
FURY: BLAH BLAH BLAH ALIEN NORSE GOD HAS IT NOW YOU GONNA HELP US GET IT BACK OR NOT?
The Brand-New STARK Building, Manhattan
PEPPER: Hay Phil haaaaay
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TONY: Excuse me, Coulson, the lady and I are having champagne time right now. Never interrupt a man's champagne time.
COULSON: Mr. Stark, we have a Code 7 world-ending scenario that requires your immediate attention!
TONY: Coulson, I just built this entire tower with my own two hands and invented an entirely new, ego-based form of clean energy to power it, and my goatee is tired. GTFO, s'il vous plaît.
COULSON: Read this. Then you'll understand.
A SMALL TOP SECRET FILE: DEPARTMENT OF BACK STORY--IRON EYES ONLY.
TONY: Well, being a multitasking playboy hyphenate genius and all, I can knock this out in plenty of time before Pepper has to fly to D.C.--
[When Tony loads it onto his magical touch-screen computer system, the PREVIOUSLY ONs cover every glass surface in the penthouse, including all the windows, two TVs, three side tables and a small microwave oven.]
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TONY: LIFE RUINER.
Loki's Secret Underground Lab
[…because where else are you going to do secret underground science? Surprisingly, the God of Mischief turns out to be an incredibly supportive employer, when he's not mind-melding with the Chitauri's very impatient, extremely cranky pain specialists.]
LOKI: Anything you need? My lab is your lab. Coffee? Ergonomic chair? Squeezy stress-relief ball? Because I could really use a squeezy stress-relief ball right now.
SELVIG [starry-eyed]: Tess is all I need. Well, actually, Tess would like some iridium.
CLINT [studying schematics]: Welp, looks like I'll need an eyeball to get it.
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LOKI: Done! Mischief Unlimited is dedicated to providing solutions for you.
The Helicarrier
STEVE: Where do you even get a giant amphibious invisible airship?
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FURY: Bought it off a couple of disappointed steampunks. Too many of the gears actually did something.
BRUCE: I've cellphoned the satellites to facial the recognitions! Your rogue Norse god seems to be... going to the opera in Germany?
NATASHA: We have to catch him! Everyone on the Quinjet!
STEVE: But... if he's in Germany right now, and we're in the United States...
NATASHA: But the Quinjet is really fast!
STEVE: ... seriously, I've been on this trip before, it kind of takes a while...
NATASHA: GET ON THE JET, IT'S ALREADY HALFWAY THERE
Hindsight Being What It Is
FURY: Look, Coulson, I'd like to have a talk with you while everyone else is out heroing. This is a Joss Whedon Experience so obviously someone is going to bite it, and I don't like your chances. Do you have eight days until retirement?
COULSON: Nope, I'm planning to work right up until the day I die.
FURY: Coulson, this is the kind of shit I'm talking about. Do you have a wife and/or kids? Do you have cherished pictures of them that you show to coworkers at emotional moments?
COULSON: Just my vintage Captain America trading cards!
FURY: Right… but are you in love with anyone besides Rogers?
COULSON: There's this cellist I kind of, you know, like-like, but…
FURY: That's not good. Are you someone's mother? A musical love interest? A lesbian?
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COULSON: I'm… pretty sure… none of the above?
FURY [narrowing eye]: You might just have a fighting chance, Coulson.
COULSON: Well, I hope so, because I've got a lot to live for--
FURY: DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME.
Stuttgart State Opera, Cleveland, Germany
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[Loki pimps on into Der Fancypantsenpartyein, which is terrible fake German and yet more than anyone speaks in this scene.]
LOOK AT THIS GQ MOTHERTRICKSTER
HIS SCARF IS FLY AND SO ARE HIS DADDY ISSUES
DAMN
Some Secret Underground Science Vault
[If you don't store your science underground, I just really don't even know why you bother.]
CLINT: Ready to scan some retinas, boss!
Die Screaminrunninhiden
[And then Loki has some kind of ocular zester thing and does something screamy to Dr. Iridium's eye AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS BECAUSE I COULDN'T WATCH IT AND THEN I GUESS HE BEAMS IT OVER TO HAWKEYE SOMEHOW UNDERGROUND RETINAL SCANNER VAULT BLEE OMG EYE THINGS NOOOOO]
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THE TERRIFIED MULTITUDES: OKTOBERFEST!!!
[Out in the street, Loki morphs into his full kingly, hornly regalia, using illusions of himself to corral the shrieking crowd, because Loki Laufeyson is gonna rule the shit out of something before the night is over.]
(LOKI)²: Mortal ants! I have come to crush you beneath my godly boot, to toss you on my immortal horns, and to liberate you from the double-plus ungoodness of personal autonomy! Bow to the multiple iterations of my singular purpose, and I will free you from freedom!
SOME GERMAN GUY [whispering to companion]: I have questions.
SOME GERMAN GIRL: Go for it.
SOME GERMAN GUY: What is he saying?
SOME GERMAN GIRL: It seems to be English, but strangely, I understand it perfectly.
SOME GERMAN GUY: No, I do too, I just do not understand what any of those words mean in that order. Where did he come from? What does he want? How are there two of him at once? How does he not collapse under the weight of those gigantic elk horns?
LOKI: KNEEEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!!!!1!!!
ONE PRECIOUS OLD MAN: In Germany, we will bow to no more tyrants. Never again.
A LOKI: Are those… sad Holocaust movie violins? Did you just Godwin me?
ANOTHER LOKI: *SCEPTER BL--
A LOKI: Oh, what now?
STEVE [brandishing shield]: Son, I'm the man who punched Hitler in the face. I'm here to drink Ovaltine and kick ass, and they don't make Ovaltine anymore.
A LOKI: Actually, I'm pretty sure they do?
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STEVE: Ooh, really?
A LOKI: *SCEPTER BLAST*
[Somehow, Cap expects to defeat a laserspear-wielding villain with nothing but defensive equipment. Fortunately, Tony awesomes down in his Iron Man suit.]
TONY: Where's the life ruiner?
EVERYONE: *points*
TONY: Your ass is mine, Blitzen.
[As it turns out, scepter beats shield, but awesome beats scepter, and "henchdudes running away with the iridium" beats "not being able to be in two places at once."]
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LOKI: Unlike some of us.
TONY: Give it up, Loki!
LOKI [shrugging]: Okay.
A Dark and Stormy Night
STEVE: Do you find it a little bit, you know, suspicious that he just... gave up?
TONY: Nah. Not being able to handle my awesome is a fairly standard reaction.
LOKI: Pardon--this "Quinjet" of yours, is it weather-proof?
NATASHA: I... guess...?
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[THOR'D!]
Some German Forest
[PREVIOUSLY ON: THOR (2011), Thor's brother Loki found out that he was not actually the Asgardian son of Odin, but rather the discarded runt of the king of the vanquished frost giants, and also he was really super bitter about Thor showing off all the time, and thus: shenanigans. Of course, the last time we saw Asgard, Thor had pounded the Intergalactic Rainbow Bridge into confetti and Loki was making tragic faces in a black hole.]
THOR: Brother! Thou dost live!
LOKI: Yes, of course I do, don't you ever watch after-credits scenes?
THOR: …nay?
LOKI: Well, I convinced your precious Dr. Selvig to work on the Tesseract and, no thanks to you, I did climb out of that galactic abyss you threw me into--
THOR: I flung thee into no abyss, brother! THOU DIDST LET GO SEEMINGLY FOR NO REASON BUT TO MAKE ME FEEL REALLY REALLY BAD
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LOKI: I SHOULD BE A KING!!!!
THOR: VERILY, ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN?!
[IRON'D!]
[While Loki chillaxes on a cliff and doesn't run away, Tony and Thor battle over who had dibs.]
THOR: Thou hast no idea with what thou dealest, interloper! The Allfather hath labored mightily to get around that "no way to get back to Earth" thing so that I might deliver Loki to a higher justice than thine!
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TONY: Look, my Moët's getting warm, so let's make this simple: Dasher gives back the cube and you can take the Anteloper straight to the glue factory for all I care--
THOR: THOU SPEAKEST OF MY BROTHER!!
Elsewhere in the Dark Forest
SNOW WHITE: Huntsman! The Queen's albino incest henchbrother approaches!
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THOROMIR: SHALT BE THERE IN A MOMENT, SNOW, THRASHING SOME GAUDY KNIGHT OVER HERE
Over Here
[Tech and Legend blast each other with various forms of energy for a while, until Thor makes a massive tactical error:]
TONY: Do you know what happens to an Iron Man when it's struck by lightning?
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THOR: Well--thou wouldst think, the same thing that happens to everything else--
[Then Steve parachutes in, because he can't stand anyone having fun on company time. The boys play shield-hammer-awesome for a while, but it turns out, surprisingly enough, that shield beats hammer.]
SOME GERMAN FOREST:
POOOOOOOOOOM
This ecosystem supported three whole movies' worth of dwarves, you asshats!
TONY: Good one, Captain Planet.
STEVE: Why are we using up valuable effects money fighting each other?!
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LOLOLOLOKI: }:D
The Helicarrier
[Bruce is just innocently sciencing his gamma rays when the boys bring Loki back…]
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LOKI: }; )
[…to be put in a plastiglass cell, since no one needs it for Magneto anymore.]
FURY: It's god-proof, too. You try to escape, we drop this shit out thirty thousand feet over the ocean, and--
LOKI: And I'll… what? Escape really hard?
FURY: Left a couple of magazines in there for you. Try the Highlights for Children. Great comic in the back. About a guy named Gallant and his dumbass fuck-up brother.
LOKI: }: [
Banner-Stark Airborne Laboratories
[…where Tony and Bruce are having a play date, detectioning the gammatical raybeams and whatnot.]
TONY: After all this is over, will you come to my house for science? Pepper will make us whiskey and s'mores, it'll change your life.
BRUCE: I don't know, I kind of trashed Harlem that time, I don't know if I'm welcome in the state of New York anymore…
TONY: *poke*
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TICKLE ME HULKSMASH: Tee hee!
STEVE: Stop endangering the team with sharp objects! YOU ARE WASTING TIME ON THIS RECREATIONAL SCIENCE!
TONY: Nope, Banner's already got the gamma-seeking plot-detection system going. Now we're just waiting on my decryption program to process all of Fury's ominous shadow government secrets. I mean, I've got enough ego to power the civilized world, and yet, somehow, they did all their clean energy research on the Tesseract without me. Obviously, chicanery is in progress.
STEVE: But--what? The United States government is the beneficent fount of all good things! They couldn't possibly be doing anything shady they wouldn't tell us about!
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TONY: lol
Some Super-Secret Storage Unit Full of Super-Secret Weapons
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STEVE: >:O
Loki's God-Proof Cell
NATASHA: I'll let you out if you spare Clint. I know you're planning to toast us all, but I owe him one.
LOKI: You liiii~iiiike hiiiiim
NATASHA: Nah, he was sent to kill me but he let me come work for S.H.I.E.L.D. instead and we badassed around Europe assassinating things instead, it was pretty awesome. It would be a shame if someone that good at killing people got dead.
LOKI: I'll make him kiiii~iiiilllll youuuuu
NATASHA [trembling]: But--why? I'm telling you that I'm a duplicitous murdering hypocrite, couldn't you use someone like me?
LOKI: I will make him kill you in terrible ways until you feel terrible and die terribly, and then I will make him feel terrible about it, and then I will kill him terribly also because you are bad and you should feel bad, you mewling [REDACTED] bootlicking [CENSORED] catsuited [BLEEEEEEEEEP]!
NATASHA [weeping, batting lashes]: YOU MONSTER! I'M GLAD YOU'RE IN A MONSTER-PROOF CAGE, MONSTER!!
LOKI: Oh, you might wish it was available for someone else by the time I'm done.
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NATASHA [on radio]: Bighorn's given up the intel, his play is exploiting Big Green. [To Loki:] lol kthnx, bb.
LOKI: }: [
Asgard, Tomorrow
ODIN: My son--
LOKI: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
ODIN: MY SON, why would you lurk in your transparent prison cell and torment your visitors with predatory mind games? Why would you do such a thing?
LOKI: I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU, ALLFATHER! I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!!
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ODIN: GO TO YOUR ABYSS AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
Banner-Stark Airborne Laboratories
STEVE [slamming down super secret weapon]: I am shocked, shocked, and disappointed that you would super-secret-weaponize the Ultimate Cube, Director Fury!
FURY: Well, I'm sorry that some DAMN ALIEN GODS came and BLEW UP NEW FUCKING MEXICO--
THOR: THOU DOST EXAGGERATE MOST DISHONORABLY! It was only one small town, and we only singed it a little!
FURY: --but we kind of thought we might NEED SOME SHIT to TAKE CARE of that THE NEXT FUCKING TIME!
THOR: Thou art a stupidhead most dim to think that using the Tesseract would not merely draw the attention of all the other villains in the universe!
FURY: FUCK THEE WITH THY HAMMER SIDEWAYS!
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THOR: lol, thou mad
STEVE: Our Norse compatriot is right! In my day, we fought with honor and skill, not weapons of mass destruction!
TONY: In your day, we dropped the atomic bomb!
STEVE: Wait, we did?
TONY: Maybe if you had done the background reading, you would know that.
STEVE: Oh, I'm sorry, I was too BUSY sacrificing MYSELF for MY COUNTRY in a THRILLING BITTERSWEET FINALE, something YOU will never know ANYTHING ABOUT!
TONY: Aw, Betsy Ross needs to come put someone down for a cookie and a nap.
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STEVE: OH, GO PROFITEER FROM SOME WAR, JUNIOR
TONY: ONE MORE WORD AND I WILL TAKE THAT HOOD AND CHOKE YOU OUT
STEVE: NO YOU!
TONY: NO YOU!
BRUCE: WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING, HULK DOES NOT LIKE YELLING
LOKI'S SCEPTER ON THE LAB TABLE: <;D-----
BRUCE: WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING ME HERE I WAS HAPPY IN STEREOTYPICAL INDIA WITH ALL THE PEOPLE DYING AROUND ME BUT NOOOOOO YOU JUST HAD TO STUFF ME INTO AN INVISIBLE AIRSHIP WHERE I COULD EMIT SO MUCH GAMMA RAGE THAT LOKI'S MIND-CONTROL SOLDIERS WILL BE ABLE TO LOCATE US AND THEY WILL PROBABLY KILL HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IF I DON'T KILL EVERYONE FIRST AND YOU CAN'T KILL ME BACK I KNOW BECAUSE I TRIED SEVERAL TIMES WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ENUMERATE MY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS BECAUSE I MADE A LOT OF THEM.
EVERYONE: …
TONY: Well… this is just... awkward.
[UNEXPECTED CLINTSPLOSION IS UNEXPECTED]
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[AVENGERS GO FLYING]
[This is what happens when you don't keep your science underground.]
The Pipes and Hiding Places Compartment
[When Natasha regains consciousness, she finds herself trapped with a struggling Bruce,who is failing to contain his rageformation. Unfortunately, the explosion has thrown them into a completely different genre.]
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NATASHA: Why is there a horror movie stored on this ship? DAMMIT, I'M NOT A FINAL GIRL!
THE HULK: ROAAARRRR!
NATASHA: Bruce! Why are you mad at me? I didn't blow up the lab! I wasn't even the one yelling! Bruce!
THINK OF POVERTY IN INDIA, BRUCE!
NATASHA: Bruce! You can [running] control this! You can [ducking] tell the difference between [dodging] friend and foe!
THE HULK: ROAAAAAA [HULKING] AAAAARRRRR [SMASHING] RRRRRRR!!
NATASHA: COME ON, BRUCE, YOU COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE AT THE END OF YOUR LAST MOVIE!
THE HULK: HULK NOT SURE IF CANON! ROARRRRR!
[And then a three-ring circus breaks out on the engine-failing, free-falling Helicarrier: mischief troops in S.H.I.E.L.D. disguises pouring out of an airborne clown car, bullets and knives and grenades flying, computers exploding, Hill shooting someone, Fury shooting everyone, Tony trying to restart the Helicarrier's engines while getting dragged around in the turbine--]
TONY: Rogers! Relay the polarity--when the superbreakers conduct--the overload reverse!
STEVE: What the fudge, Stark?
TONY: PUUUULLLLL THE LEEEEEVEEEERRRRRR
[Thor lion-taming the Hulk with Mjölnir and a chair while destroying the few precious parts of the Helicarrier that aren't already on fire--]
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FURY: MY DAMN SHIP! SOMEBODY OUT THERE THROW SOME BULLETS!
[A fighter pilot gunning for Bruce, because apparently we just want to see how angry the Hulk can actually get--]
A THING THAT ENDS WELL: *JET PUNCH* *PILOT THROW* *FREEFALL*
THE HULK: ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR
FURY: *patchpalm*
[A Loki tricking Thor (again) (some more) into his god-proof cell--]
LOKI: Did you watch your own movie at all, brother?
[Coulson arriving with a Super Secret Super Weapon--]
COULSON: Step away from Donald, please. I don't know what this does, except that we engineered it from smoldering bits of Norse robot that you sent to kill him in your previous movie, so I'm guessing it's got a really strong irony kick.
[Another Loki stabbing Coulson in the back--]
THOR: NOOOOO! SON OF COUL!!
A LOKI: [dumping Thor]: Awww. Well: places to be, peoples to subjugate.
[Natasha acrobattling Clint's taekwonbow in the catwalk compartment--]
This picture is everything I want to be
[Coulson making his last stand--]
COULSON [tragically mouth-bleeding]: You're going to lose, Loki. You are a villain in a superhero movie. When was the last time you ever saw evil ever triumph? I mean, really triumph, run the credits, game over?
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LOKI: Mortal, please. There was... wait, no... there was... surely...
COULSON'S CALLBACK CANNON: *BOOM!*
[Loki escaping anyway on his mischief jet while Coulson dies--]
COULSON: It's okay, boss. They were never going to get over themselves if they didn't have something to… AVENGE™.
FURY: Damn that foxy cellist!
COULSON: *death nod*
FURY'S EYEPATCH: *emo tear*
[So... yeah. It's pretty much the worst circus ever. This, and the one when I was eight that ran out of cotton candy.]
Some Airborne Recovery Room
CLINT: Natasha… how did you unwash my brain?
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NATASHA: Little something I saw on TV. I hit you in the head until your mind got right again.
CLINT: Which show?
NATASHA: All of them.
And then a fanfic breaks out
CLINT: I just feel so terrible--I mean, do you know what it's like to have your personhood disrespected, to be used without consent, to feel so violated?
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NATASHA: I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.
CLINT: *hangs head*
NATASHA: Look, it's okay. You and me, we're just badass spysassins; we weren't trained to deal with this alien trickster bullshit--
CLINT: I KNOW, RIGHT?
NATASHA: --and besides, none of the hundred people you killed even had names. I mean, Loki, with that Someone We Actually Know thing? He's the one in deep shit.
Conference Table of Mourning
FURY: Don't you pull those sad motherfucking faces at me. Do you know what kind of day I've had? I've lost my ragemonster AND my Norse god, half my ship, and all my redshirts. You brand-name punk-asses are the only ones left worth a damn. And you don't even give a shit. You know who did? Agent Coulson. And now, he's DEAD. Do you know what he had in his coat pocket, right over his heart, to the very end?
[Fury throws down a handful of sepia-tone vintage Captain America trading cards, spattered copiously, piteously, with blood.]
HILL: Weren't those in his locker, sealed in archival-quality mylar?
FURY: RIGHT OVER HIS HEART. Because Phil Coulson believed in you.
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HILL: So that's why you were messing around with that blown-up cadet?
FURY: SHUT IT, HILL
Somewhere, In the Secret Government Facility in the Sky
[No, I mean a metaphorical one.]
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ANGEL COULSON: THOSE CARDS WERE MINT IN PACKAGE!!
The Philip Coulson Memorial Helicarrier
[And so the Avengers begin to pull their shit together. Thor finds Mjölnir in Some Meadow by the Sea and snuggles it tenderly, relieved that he doesn't have to go through an OMG AM I WORTHY? subplot again. Bruce wakes up in a pile of rubble with a hulkover. Back on what's left of the airship, Tony and Steve suit up and try to... well, figure out what the hell to do next.]
STEVE: So let's say for one moment that you're able to get over your vain rockstar individualism and play nice with the other children--
TONY: It would be difficult, yeah.
STEVE: --where do we even start looking for Loki?
TONY: Well, how does a guy like this think? He wants to rule the world but he wants everyone to see him do it. He wants to kick ass while his theme music plays in the background. This is a guy who says, no no, one giant protuberance on my helmet is not enough; I need two. If only there were some phallic monument to ego with his name emblazoned across the top that Prancer could observe his awesome from...
STEVE: *pointed look*
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TONY: ... LIFE RUINER!!
The __ARK Building
[On the conveniently stage-shaped portion of Stark Tower, Loki is trying to figure out how you could turn a T into an L and if you can cut an S in half and stick it back together as a little O, while Professor Selvig gleefully kickstarts the end of the world by unlocking a galactic whirlportal with a big blue beam from the Tesseract.]
SELVIG: SO SHINY.
[The good news is, Tony has figured out that Loki and Selvig have hijacked his crib. The bad news is, the Iron Suit is hand-wash only and got pretty damaged back there in the spin cycle, and Tony's got to figure out a way to get hold of his new experimental armor while Loki's strolling around the Champagne Room.]
TONY: Can I get you a drink? Scotch, bourbon, mead?
LOKI: You can get me… YOUR FREE WILL. [taps heart with scepter]
TONY: …
LOKI: *TAP TAP TAP*
TONY'S MECHANICAL HEART: …
TONY: Seriously, am I the only person who did the background reading around here?
LOKI: WELL IF YOU DID YOUR HOMEWORK YOU WILL KNOW THAT MY ALIEN ARMY IS ON ITS WAY TO CRISP YOUR PRECIOUS EARTH.
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TONY: Yeah, okay. Are they giant blue catpeople? Are they Transformers by the sea? Do they want to hug us in the face? No? Then I think we have a chance. Come at me with the Chitown Atari, bro.
LOKI: }: [
:D
LOKI: *CHOKE THROW*
A Scene That Must Have Happened
J.A.R.V.I.S.: Sir, are you certain we need to add a bracelet-based window-jumping functionality that allows you to don the newest iteration of the Iron Suit while you are in freefall? This seems like a highly specific yet unlikely scenario.
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TONY: You are really underestimating the number of people who want to throw me out windows, Jarvis.
J.A.R.V.I.S.: Touché, sir.
Three Inches from the Pavement
TONY: lol @ u
The __ARK Building
LOKI: *R SMASH*
The __A_K Building
THOR: NO, BROTHER! THOU ART MY BROTHER, BROTHER!
LOKI: Soon, your precious Earth will be nothing but convention panels and cosplay as far as the eye can see, and Loki Laufeyson shall rule as Guest of Honor above all!
THOR: Brother--what dost thou mean by this?
LOKI: You will see.
THOR: Brother! It is not too late, brother! We can stop this together, brother! Thou shalt always be guest of honor in my heart!
LOKI: *STAB*
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THOR: WHY DOST THOU HAVE SO MANY ISSUES?!
The Quinjet
[Steve, who likes planes, marches out to the Quinjet with Natasha, who likes tiny guns and head-kicking, and Clint, who would like shooting Loki in the eye, because that would be ironic, and several times if possible. Unfortunately, they are too late to stop the Chitauri from pouring out of the portal on their hoverboards and cybertoboggans to blast the people of New York, who roll their eyes and begrudgingly go into the Total Scifi Destruction Flailing Procedure they get drilled on the first Wednesday of every month. Then, it gets worse.]
~* SPECIAL REPORT: SUPERHERO JET CRASH IN MANHATTAN*~
SOME NEWS ANCHOR: --state of New York is issuing an emergency action scene warning--repeat, there may be an action movie unfolding in the downtown Manhattan area; all viewers are advised to run screaming. And now, back to Shelly with the weather.
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SOME METEOROLOGIST [drawing on map]: Well, I'm seeing a 100% chance of alien invasion coming down from a cosmic depression over the Stark Building. Down on the ground we have exploding cars and scattered carnage, but a smash front coming in from the north ought to clear all that out. The National Weather Service is issuing a Severe Thunderstorm Warning for the Chrysler Building with a 63% chance of a Norse god using it as a lightning rod, and visibility's low with all the hoverboards in the air--we advise staying off the roads and away from office buildings until the giant alien warships get cleared away. Jim, how's the traffic look from up there in the WTFF News Chopper?
SOME TRAFFIC REPORTER: *cries*
The Streets of Manhattan
[The Quinjet Three try to help the police evacuate the citizenry while Tony blasts everything he can lay gauntlets on and Thor arrives to drop the hammer. Then, it gets worser.]
CLINT: Is that a...
NATASHA: It's kind of... turtle-faced?
CLINT: But longer, like a centip...eel? A centipeel?
SOME CYBERNETIC LEVIATHAN SHIP: *DRAGONWORMS*
STEVE: You saw those doggone aliens up close, Stark--what are they?
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TONY [landing]: They are--ANGRY JOSS WHEDON FANS. They've been promised snarky metafictional dialogue, and they won't stop until they get it.
EVERYONE: >:O
[They continue flooding out of the portal with their great cry of war: ]
THE CHITAURI: YOU JUST HAVE TO GET THROUGH THE FIRST SIX EPISODES!!
Natasha, get under my shield! Only vibranium can withstand their flames!
STEVE: They're dropping Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Complete Series on Manhattan!
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THOR: All thirty-nine discs?
THOU FIENDS!
[But all hope is not lost!]
STEVE: Bruce! You came back! You found clothes! And a really sweet motorcycle! Seriously, I would like to borrow that when you're done with it.
NATASHA: Wait, how are you just suddenly okay?
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BRUCE: Well, after I convinced Harry Dean Stanton I wasn't an alien and he could put that space rifle down, he took me to a deleted scene and fixed me right up. I should take you there sometime.
TONY [on radio]: Bringin' in the big fish, Ahab, gonna need you to make a call here.
Can it be a long-distance call?
STEVE: Well, if we all play to our strengths, I bet dollars to donuts we can beat these gosh-darned rascals. Can we put aside our differences, such as the time Bruce tried to tear Natasha's head off, or the time Thor whacked Bruce upside the head with Myeumeu, or the time Clint killed half the S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel, and come together as a team to save the world?
THOR: You have my hammer.
CLINT: And my bow.
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BRUCE: And HULK SMASH.
SOME LEVIATHAN: *TURTLEROAR*
[*FACE PUNCH*]
THE HULK: IS HULK FAVORITE MOVIE. *NOD*
[And so the Hulk is finally allowed to smash free as a thing that loves smashing and freedom, while Thor blows another warship up with the Chrysler Lightning Rod and Tony gives one of the Leviathan ships an Iron Colonic and Steve shields everyone in the head and Clint arrows everyone in the face without even looking and now Thor and the Hulk are fighting off Jayne-hatted Browncoats who pelt them with Firefly DVDs.]
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THE HULK: HULK WILL WATCH WHEN HULK LESS BUSY!!
THOR: Verily, art there only fourteen episodes? Thou couldst knock this out in a weekend--
THE HULK: *THOR PUNCH*
[And there are still thousands more Chitauri on the way for a Dr. Horrible sing-along. Someone is going to have to do something.]
NATASHA: Gimme a boost, I'm gonna hijack a hoverboard and deal with this Tesseract business.
STEVE: But--you have no special powers! The superfans will eat you alive!
NATASHA: Please. I'm a Strong Female Character. By the time I'm done, there will be doctoral theses in my honor. HEY, LOOK! OVER THERE! RIVER TAM WANTS TO KICK YOUR ASS!
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SOME CHITAURI: *swoons*
[Natasha stabs Some Chitauri in the back and joysticks him all the way up to the Stark Building. Who says girls aren't gamers?]
The __A_K Building
[Selvig's mind gets right after he's clonked by a falling K, just in time to realize that he's probably ended the world.]
SELVIG: I couldn't help myself! Except that actually I kind of knew better the whole time. Tess was just--so shiiiiiny! I DID IT ALL FOR YOU, TESS!
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NATASHA: Do you... need a moment in your bunk or something?
SELVIG: If you could just grab Loki's scepterspear whatever and turn off the portal-opener thing what opens the portal, that'd be great, sure.
[Loki is, somewhat understandably, not on board with this development.]
LOKI: ALL RIGHT, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING HEROES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING TOWER--
THE HULK:
*METRONOME BEATDOWN*
LOKI: ...rrrnnghhh.
NATASHA: Bruce! Why didn't you just do that half the movie ago?!
THE HULK [SHRUGGING]: NOBODY ASKED HULK TO SMASH.
The Streets of Manhattan
[However, even though Loki's been put in time-out, it gets moar worser. The streets are still blowing up, the aliens are still invading, the dragonworms are still centipeeling, the Avengers are taking some attractive light wounds, and Clint has to use his last arrow to rappel away from enraged Chitauri who have just realized he is not Nathan Fillion. How much longer can they hold out?]
THOR: Art thou hurt, O my Captain?
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STEVE: I'll… walk it off… [falling to his knees] …this Spuffy time-travel angst fic… is really good…
They just love their moms so much, you know?
THOR: NO, CAPTAIN! THOU MUST NOT SURRENDER!
STEVE: But… Buffy and Philosophy is... really… thought-provoking...
THOR: OVER THERE! GRENADES UPON WHICH THOU CANST THROW THYSELF!
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STEVE: OH BOY!!
[Then... it gets worstest.]
The Helicarrier
POWERS BOOTHE, ON BEHALF OF THE SUPER SECRET SHADOW COUNCIL: So we're thinking, nuke Manhattan. I mean, to hell with all this. It'd be cheaper to just salt the earth and wait for nuclear spring. Insurance even covered it last time.
FURY: NUKE IT?!
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POWERS BOOTHE: [shrugging]: It's the only way to be sure--
FURY: --sure my FOOT is up your ASS!
[HEY, HEY NICK, MAYBE BLOWING UP A NUCLEAR MISSILE ISN'T THE BEST IDEA, HEY NICK--]
I would say something about "great vengeance and Furyous anger"
but I think we're all better than that
[Unfortunately, the only thing worse than shooting down one nuclear bomber jet is not shooting down the other one.]
FURY [on radio]: HEY STARK, I HEAR YOU NEED A REDEMPTION
TONY [on radio]: HAVEN'T I HAD ENOUGH OF THOSE ALREADY?!
[But Tony knows he's right: the nuke problem is also the solution to the alien problem. Natasha is shutting the gateway! The Mark VII suit is running out of power! Most likely his awesome will perish in the attempt!]
J.A.R.V.I.S.: Could we get Master Odinson to recharge us?
TONY: NO JARVIS THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME
J.A.R.V.I.S.: Sir, we've already been overly intimate with one alien warship today, do we really have to shove a nuclear suppository up-
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TONY: THAT'S WHY IT'S A SACRIFICE, JARVIS
J.A.R.V.I.S. [sighing]: ...I'll initiate the Dying Wish Procedure.
[But Tony can't get hold of Pepper, because she and her phone are lost somewhere in space and time on the longest flight to D.C. ever. Ironmanfully, he snaffles the nuke off Bomber #2 and heads for the Chitauri mothership and mostly-certain doom. It's not a Mac virus, but it'll do.]
SOME CORRECTLY SPHERICAL SPACE EXPLOSION:
O
[Who could possibly save Tony from galactic freefall?]
AND IIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIII
WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU
[The Chitauri army collapses, appeased by the similarity of Tony's sacrifice to the Buffy season 5 finale. Unfortunately, despite the Hulk's herculean green hug, Tony is dead. Real real trufax dead.]
TONY: X_X
STEVE [mournfully]: I should have never challenged him to a redemptive character arc!
TONY: X_X
CLINT: Wait--Natasha, aren't they already filming Iron Man 3?
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NATASHA: Well, I'm here with you guys, so I don't know?
TONY: X_X
FURY [on radio]: Tell him we'll let Guy Pearce have the whole movie.
THE HULK: HULK LOVE GUY PEARCE!
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TONY: I'M HERE, I'M HERE, I'M AWESOME AND HERE
[The remaining Chitauri fall to their knees in worship of Action Girl, Captain Tightpants, Dr. Hulkible, Captain Hammer, and the God of Snark.]
CLINT: HEY I WAS ACTUALLY ON ANGEL ONE TIME
THE CHITAURI: ooooohhhhhh
After Lunch
[Taking no notice of the world's reactions online and off--the uncomfortably familiar Please Help Us Find Our Terrorized Loved Ones fliers and the angry Congressmen and and the Tumblr gifs and the goateed lolcats--the Avengers say goodbye, going their separate ways for now. Having peeled Loki out of a Loki-shaped hole in the floor, Thor prepares to beam him back to Asgard with the Tesseract; Clint and Natasha go off to assassinate the patriarchy some more in a movie of their very own; Steve vrooms away on Harry Dean Stanton's motorcycle; and Bruce gets into Tony's convertible.]
TONY [on phone]: PEPPER, PEPPER I FOUND A HULK, PEPPER CAN I KEEP HIM??
THOR: Brother, as I bring thee back to Asgard and thy family--
LOKI: ADOPTED FAMILY
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THOR: SHUT UP WE ARE SO THY FAMILY, I hope thou canst put thy scheming ways aside.
LOKI: Ah, but this was all part of my Cunning Plan to get you to take me back to Asgard so I could get the Infinity Gauntlet, as PREVIOUSLY SEEN ON THOR, so I win either way.
THOR: Brother, I just… sometimes I just cannot even with thee, I swear.
LOKI: }:D
THOR: Selvig? The muzzle.
LOKI: }:X
The __A__ Building
FURY: ...and so that's why we're going to keep the Avengers Initiative around, even though they're a bunch of rogue uncontrollable misfits: because they GET IT DONE.
POWERS BOOTHE, ETC.: Seriously, are you shitting me.
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FURY: Yes, they're DANGEROUS--
TONY [drawing diagrams]: And I'll build a treehouse for Hawkeye here, and this is a firing range for Natasha's tiny guns, and Cap can park his motorcycle here, and here's a weather vane for Thor, and this is me and Bruce's lab, and--
FURY: AND NOW THE UNIVERSE KNOWS IT.
During the Credits
THE OTHER: The Marvel superheroes are stronger than we thought. To attack them is to court fanboy war. We need a hero, strong of chin and srs of bsns… A GRIMDARK KNIGHT.
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[A SHADOWY, HOODED FIGURE turns to the camera. It is CHRISTOPHER NOLAN, and he SMILES.]
After the Credits
And they lived shawarmily ever after, until they all had to go film sequels.
Fin.
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