Breaking Dawn in Fifteen Minutes
Part One, at any rate. I do want to go back and do the two Deathly Hallows...es, but this is what we've got for now: the movie about which I spent three years muttering, "I have no idea how they're going to do this." If you need to catch up:
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
New Moon in Fifteen Minutes
Eclipse in Fifteen Minutes
Recaps of the books
WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE, HORRIFYING IMAGES, THAT WHICH CANNOT BE UNSEEN
PREVIOUSLY ON: AS THE VAMPIRE SPARKLES: Edward is such a ~*dangerous monster omg*~ that he doesn't want to have sex with Bella while she's still fragile and meaty, but sex is the one thing she wants to do before she becomes a vampire, but he won't sex her unless they get married first because premarital vampiring is bad, but Bella doesn't want to get married because her parents divorced young, but she does want to have sex now and she wants to become a vampire before she gets OOOOOOLD, and then you put the fox and the grain in the boat and you leave the goose back on the riverbank. Also, Bella stomped on Jacob's furry heart sixteen times.
It's a Pity Party and You're Invited!
We cordially request the agony of your presence
at the wedding of
ISABELLA MARIE SWAN and NOT YOU
on
THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
at
THE HOME OF YOUR ENEMIES
____________________P.S. lol
____________________-- Edward
THE ONE TIME JACOB TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT: Fuck this ice-cold marble-hard popsicle stand! I'M FURSPLODING TO CANADA.
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BILLY BLACK, JACOB'S DAD: Don't you explode those pants! I'm not made of jean shorts, you know!
Chez Sparklepire
[The Cullens have a forest in their backyard, as you do, and Alice Cullen, Psychic Bridezilla by Proxy, is transforming it for the wedding of her dreams.]
ALICE: HAUL THAT TREE LIKE YOU MEAN IT, EMMETT! SO HELP ME SPARKLE, I'M GOING TO HAVE A FAIRYTALE WOODLAND WEDDING OR ELSE!
BELLA: But Alice, it's not "your"--
ALICE: BREAK IN THOSE SHOES!
BELLA: Stiletto heels? Where did you get these, a "White Wedding" strip routine?
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ALICE: MARCH!
Casa de Swan
EDWARD: Before I go out to my Vampire Bachelor Party, Bella… there's something I have to tell you. About myself.
BELLA: Are you… gay?
EDWARD: Subsequent events will prove that this is not the case, no.
BELLA: Are you not a virgin?
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BOTH OF THEM: LOL
BELLA: No, seriously, what, then?
EDWARD: Well... back in the '30s… I had a rebellious phase where, orphaned by my real parents, I stalked the mean streets of a dark city, to vam and to pire those who would make the innocent their victims, and I brooded over it broodsomely 24/7.
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BELLA: So… basically, you were Batman. Vampire Batman.
EDWARD: With a jaunty cap, yes.
EMMETT [outside]: HEY BRO YOU GONNA PARTY OR WHAT?
BELLA: So are there, like, Victorian strippers in the woods or something?
EDWARD: Nah, just a few mountain lions. Party platter of bear and elk.
A Scene That Must Have Happened
EMMETT: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
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JASPER: WOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Nice Day for a Red Wedding
EDWARD: Do you take me, Nightmare Sparkle Monster, in rose petals and blood drool, on top of the corpses of your friends and family, for as long as we both shall kill?
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BELLA: I dAHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Actual ~*Big Day*~
ALICE: Everyone accounted for?
BELLA: Still here, falling off my shoes.
ALICE: Rosalie, you still hate Bella for giving up any chance of the babies?
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ROSALIE: Reporting for duty! *stink-eye*
ALICE: Parents of the bride?
RENEE, BELLA'S MOM: I brought your grandmother's heirloom diamond comb! You might as well have it now since I'm going to disappear entirely from your life!
BELLA: Grandma who got OOOOLD?
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CHARLIE, BELLA'S DAD: I need all the drinks.
A Scene That Must Have Happened
ALICE: Okay, I want a really cute, much shorter '20s hairdo for this wedding, and since only vampire teeth can cut vampire tissue, I'm gonna need you to help me out, Rosalie. Now: BITE!
ALL THE WISTERIA IN THE WORLD
[Bella's side of the audience contains all the snarky, interesting humans she never plans on seeing ever again; Edward's is full of international sparklepires eyeing the mundanes and trying not to lick their chops. Also, we get a long, loving closeup of Stephenie Meyer in the audience.]
BELLA: Did you invite God to the wedding?
EDWARD: No… did you?
SOME MINISTER: We gather today to witness this union, finally.
EDWARD: I take you, Tasty Adoraklutz Beloved...
BELLA: Angel Cupcake Marble Adonis...
EDWARD: to stalk and to sleep-watch
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BELLA: for bitch or for moan
EDWARD: for emo or for angst,
BELLA: in dazzle and chagrin,
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EDWARD: to trip and fall over
TOGETHER: ...so long as we both unlive.
SOME MINISTER: I now pronounce you teen bride and sparklepire! You may now make out for five minutes solid!
Here Comes the Bride, Just the Bride, Only the Bride
[Everyone gets up one by one at the reception and talks about how special-amazing Bella is, because, despite two people exchanging vows, this is her special day. I... I kind of want one of my own now. For the toasts, all the sparklepires discreetly toss champagne over their shoulders.]
CHARLIE: Bella, I just want you to know that I will always be your home, and that if you ever went missing for a suspiciously extended period of time, I would hunt you down until I died of it. And YOU. You've got my little girl now, Cullen. And I've got a gun, a shovel, and a grave with your name on it. *DRINKS*
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JESSICA: So I'm totally happy that The Hair decided to settle for a slack-ass underachiever who wasn't captain or president or Oscar nominee of anything at all. I mean, it's really great that college and life and experience don't matter to Bella, and it's great that her total lack of ambition doesn't matter to him. Cheers, you guys!
EMMETT: TIME TO LET YOUR NASTY OFF THE CHAIN, BRO!
CHARLIE: *SHOTGUN*
Some Blondepires We've Never Seen Before, Except the One Who Was on LOST
IRINA: YOU KILLED LAURENT!
EDWARD: Actually, that was the wolves, I was off moping uselessly in Rio at the time--
IRINA: YOU INVITED HIS KILLERS TO THE WEDDING!!
EDWARD: Well, I mean, just the one I wanted to torment--
IRINA: HE WAS MY MATE!!!
EDWARD: HE TRIED TO EAT THE TASTY BELOVED!
IRINA: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!!!
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BELLA: Excuse us, we've got somewhere even more awkward to be right now--
Save the Last Dance
JACOB: Hey baby. You so married to my worst enemy, baby.
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BELLA: Don't make this weird, Jacob. Can't I just jerk you around with my snuggles one last time?
JACOB: Look, I just want to have one last, quiet, respectful dance with you before you're dead to me.
BELLA: Well, I'm not going to be dead to you for a while yet, you know. Edward and I have to have our honeymoon first--
Five Minutes Later
[A wedding werewolf brawl breaks out as the pack attempts to restrain Jacob from snarfling the groom.]
JACOB: HE'S GONNA FUCK HER TO DEATH!!
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BELLA: OH MY GOD, JACOB!
Vampires Are the 1%
[Finally, after achieving every possible degree of awkwardness, the Swan-Cullens speed off in the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice for their secret surprise honeymoon destination. Later that night, after an eighteen-hour flight on a private sparkle jet through a rip in time and space, the newlyweds arrive in Rio, where I guess Edward set up a Brazilian street dance full of PDA to show Bella what people who actually have sex look like.]
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BELLA: So… you brought me to… what, where the place you have fond memories of that time you thought I was dead?
EDWARD: Of course not! I'm taking you on our private boat to the private island Carlisle bought for Esme!
Isle Esme
BELLA: Man, I can't wait to get Christmas presents from these people.
[Edward carries Bella over the threshold of a vacation home full of sex surfaces: sofas, couches, chaise longues and divaaaans. Bella bashfully reconsiders her commitment to sparkle motion.]
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EDWARD: So… big white bed. Four-poster. Alice said to spring for the filmy white drapery so it can flutter in the sultry tropical breeze. She says there's always a sultry tropical breeze. This kind of place, it comes standard. I feel cold. Do you feel cold? Maybe we should go for a swim first. In the warm, tropical water. Because it's warm. And I'm cold. I'm babbling. Are we going to have the sex any time soon?
BELLA: *looks down, shuffles feet, bites lip*
EDWARD: OH MY GOD YOU'VE BEEN HUMPING MY LEG FOR THREE WHOLE MOVIES NOW WHAT IS YOUR DEAL
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BELLA: omg brb have to shave leg stubble regrow it and shave it again see you in a few days!
Bathroom of Fairly Realistic Teen Sex Anxiety
BELLA: GET IT TOGETHER, SWAN, YOUR CUPCAKE IS WAITING. Toothpaste! Hairbrush! Razor! Black lace...? Oh my God, Alice.
A Scene That Must Have Happened
ALICE [browsing catalogues]: So should I get Bella the crotchless black lace teddy or the see-through corset?
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EMMETT: DUUUUDE. We're filthy rich, get her both! Hey, Rose, why don't you ever wear fine-ass shit like--
ROSALIE: *HEADSMACK*
The Warm, Tropical, Warm, Moonlit Water
EDWARD: HEY BELLA! WHENEVER YOU'RE READY! I AM JUST SAYING THAT SPARKLEMARBLE ABSORBS HEAT, IF YOU WANTED TO KNOW!
A Tasteful Sex Montage
[Tender honey-toned caresses CRASH BANG CRASH BANG BANG BANG unf unf unf SMASH RIP BITE BITE BITE ~feathers~]
The Morning After
BELLA: Aw yeahhhh.
A thing that happens
EDWARD: BELLA, LOOK IN THE MIRROR. YOU ARE COVERED IN THE BRUISE PRINTS OF MY HANDS.
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BELLA: Unf.
EDWARD: BELLA! I HURT YOU!
BELLA: That was the best part!
EDWARD: OH MY GOD!
BELLA: MOAR!
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EDWARD: *flees*
BELLA: WHY DID I LET YOU MAKE ME GET MARRIED IF WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT ALL THE TIME?!
Werewolf Beach Bonfire 2: Werewolf Touch Soccerball
[Previously On: All My Werewolves: Leah the Girlwolf was engaged to Sam the Werechief but then Sam imprinted on her muffin-baking cousin Emily so now Leah gets to hear all of Sam's shared werethoughts about how 2getha 4evah he and Emily are, and also that guy Quil imprinted on a two-year-old and everyone is okay with this.]
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JACOB: Look at them. Look at all of those happy imprinting assholes. Snuggling in the sand, cuddling by the fire, giving up their free will, playing patty-cake--
LEAH: At least they have someone who can't tell them no. And they don't sit around and BITCH ALL THE TIME, JACOB.
JACOB: Imprinting's the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. It's the only thing worse than not imprinting on anyone at all. This sucks. EVERYTHING SUCKS!
LEAH: Now including Bella?
JACOB: I HATE YOU.
LEAH: You're just jealous that all the force-kissing in the world couldn't make Bella choose you instead of Dazzle Jaaaaaames Deaaaaaan.
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JACOB: FUCK MY LIFE
Isle Sexme
EDWARD: HEY LOOK I HAVE A FULL DAY OF WHOLESOME ACTIVITIES PLANNED.
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BELLA: I have a suitcase full of Agent Provocateur. Game on.
[Bella apparently spends two weeks chasing Edward over hill and dale, jungle and waterfall, in bikinis and babydoll negligees.]
BELLA: Hey baby, are you tired? Because you've been sparklespeeding through my mind all day.
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EDWARD: I WON'T CONSENT TO SPOUSAL ABUSE!
BELLA: I consent to it! I consent to it all night long.
EDWARD: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, TEMPTRESS!
BELLA: Check out my underpants, baby, they're marital now.
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EDWARD: WOMAN! HOW MANY PILLOWS MUST DIE BEFORE YOUR LUST IS SATED?
BELLA: Don't think I haven't learned a few tricks from you. You have to sleep sometime. And I will be there.
EDWARD: Where have you been? I'm a vampire, I don't sleep.
BELLA: GAHHH!
That Night In, Apparently, The Still-Broken Bed
EDWARD: What's wrong--why are you crying? A nightmare?
BELLA: No! I was having the best dream ever--a dream about--about--strip chess!
The subliminal booty shorts of sexual frustration
EDWARD: Chess? Chess? That's... hot.
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BELLA: Queen to your clothes on the floor, baby.
EDWARD: But... my pulverizing masculinity...?
BELLA: Hey. I have an idea. About getting crushed by the massive force of your marble-hard Adonis form. How about… this time… I get on top?
EDWARD: That's… that's not proper or traditional at all.
BELLA: Wait, hear me out--
EDWARD: IT'S GENIUS
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BELLA: I KNOW RIGHT
A Scene That Must Have Happened
EMMETT: Dude. Bro. Dude. Bro. Dude. We gotta have a talk. The Talk. Because a dude has to know what to do to his lady, and I'm pretty sure you don't, bro.
EDWARD: Emmett, I went to med school. Twice.
EMMETT: I got two words for you: Cow. Girl.
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EDWARD: ...with... hats and a lasso?
EMMETT: ... I'll be in my bunk.
The Other Morning After
BELLA: That's what I'm talkin' about.
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[Only one of Bella's appetites is sated, so she starts raiding the tropical honeymoon fridge.]
BELLA: Uh... I don't feel so BARRRRRRRRRRF
EDWARD: I leave you alone for five minutes. At least you didn't fall off a cliff, I guess.
BELLA: Maybe the chicken I fried was bad?
EDWARD: Maybe because you were eating it with peanut butter out of the jar?
BELLA: Yeah, well, we didn't have any pickles or ice cr…
EDWARD: …
BELLA: …
EDWARD: …
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BELLA: Oh, fuck.
EDWARD: …
BELLA [on phone]: Yeah, hey, Alice? We got a problem.
ALICE: I am psychically seeing that you're going to need to talk to CARLISLE GET ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW
CARLISLE: Bella? What's wrong?
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BELLA: Well, your vampire not-son's gone white…r, and I've got a second-trimester fetus--OW!--already kicking inside--OW!
CARLISLE: Let me talk to Edward!
BELLA: Edward's... not here right now.
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EDWARD: ...
BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH in sparklepire format
BELLA: EDWARD, SAY SOMETHING!
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EDWARD: DEMON CHILD! GET IT OUT, THE DEMON MONSTER CHIIIIIILD!
BELLA: It's YOUR demon child!
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EDWARD: Yes, and now I'm self-loathing for two!
[Fortunately, they happen to have a superstitious Brazilian cleaning lady who happens to believe in sparklepires and has been giving Edward the side-eye all this time and better be getting paid double for cleaning up their sex wreckage and just might know how to help Bella.]
EDWARD: Please--my wife--help us--!
SUPERSTITIOUS BRAZILIAN CLEANING LADY: *side-eyes Bella's stomach*
EDWARD: Is there anything we can do to save her?
SUPERSTITIOUS BRAZILIAN CLEANING LADY [in Portuguese]: DEAAAATH! THE UNHUMAN IS DEAAAAATH!!
EDWARD: WE MUST DESTROY THE UNBABY!!
[While Edward speed-packs, the indie rock soundtrack makes Bella realize that she wants her super-accelerated vampbryo.]
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BELLA [whispering on phone]: Rosalie! Infant obsession activate!
Jacob's House, La Push Reservation
CHARLIE: Bella says she's been quarantined with an extremely rare and contagious tropical disease, so she's not coming home...?
JACOB: And you believe that?
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CHARLIE: Maybe I do. Maybe... [*SHOTGUN*] ...I don't.
Chez Sparklepire
JACOB: OPEN UP, LEECHES!
CARLISLE: Shhhhh--
BELLA [distantly]: Who is at the dooooooor, Precioussss?
JACOB: Wait, she's here?
[He runs up the stairs to discover--a grotesque, greymaciated Bella, a hundred months pregnant, lying on a sofa, cradling the swollen belly that is draining her life force. Before her, Rosalie stands guard; beside her, Edward sits with her vomit pail, putting together the saddest scrapbook ever.]
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BELLUM: Yessss... Jacob may approach us, Precioussssss...
JACOB: Oh my God, what's wrong with her?
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EDWARD: She's got… [haunted whisper:] Cronenberg Syndrome.
JACOB: YOU DID THIS!!
[And only the Cullen family can keep Jacob from pounding Edward into glitter, for Edward will not defend himself. His will to live is gone, his heart is broken: his dazzle is utterly chagrined.]
EDWARD [*sob*]: I've killed her with my virile hell-seed!
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JACOB: WHY WON'T ANYONE TAKE IT OUT OF HER?!
CARLISLE: Well, we were going to, but then Bella summoned the Babytron 3000.
ROSALIE: **BABIES ARE MY PRIME DIRECTIVE**
EDWARD: Jacob... let's talk outside for a moment.
ROSALIE: Edward! Don't you dare go offer Jacob sex rights to Bella if he'll get her to abort the baby!
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EDWARD: GOD, ROSALIE, OKAY!
The Treaty of Sparklefur
EDWARD: Look, I want to force a radical demonectomy on Bella as much as you do. For some wacky reason, she chose to marry me but she's all about you. Go convince her to have a vampire abortion to save her life. Please. I'm begging you. And if you can't, and my nightmare hellspawn destroys her, you can have what you've always wanted. You can kill me.
[Jacob pauses to imagine the moment he has longed for: his hated rival, alone in the forest, tackled by a rogue Snuffleupagus.]
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EDWARD: Try to make it look a little better when you actually do it, okay?
Jacob Black, Abortion Counselor
ROSALIE: **PERIMETER BREACHED**
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BELLA: It's okay, Rosalie. Jacob may approach the Precioussss. We long for his chestular fires, yesssss.
JACOB: I can't... what? I can't even. DEATH BABY IS GOING TO RIP YOU OPEN!
BELLA: PRECIOUS IS A MIRACLE, WOLFBOY. YESSSSSSS.
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JACOB: I CAN'T EVEN BE HAVING WITH THIS
[Jacob storms outside *MOTORCYCLE KICK* because he is the worst at helping ever *SHIRT RIP* and hulks off to howl it out in the woods *PANTS POOF* where of course all the other wolves can hear his wolfy thoughts.]
ALL THE WOLVES: GROWL?!?!
SAMWOLF, CHIEF OF WOLVES: GRRRRR? GRR GROWL GRRR RWWWWOWWWWL???
JACOBWOLF: GRRRRRR!
SAMWOLF: GRRRRR GRRRRRR!
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SETHWOLF: arf arf arf!
GRRRRR! GRRR? GRRRRRRWWWWW.
SAMWOLF: GRRR! GRRR! GRRRR!
JACOBWOLF [defiantly]: GRRRRRROWWWWWWWLLLLL!!!!
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[Well, that explains everything.]
A Scene That Must Have Happened
JACOB: Man, I am so glad I keep a stash of unexploded clothes in the woods.
Chez Sparklepire, Command Center
JACOB: Well, I'm back. Good news is that the wolves are going to sit outside until you come out. Bad news is, the wolves are going to sit outside until you come out. But I'm sure you leeches have kept yourselves fed all these weeks so that you wouldn't get hungry and attack Bella.
CARLISLE: ...Oh.
EMMETT: I NEED MY PROTEIN, BRO!
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JACOB: MAKE IT WORK.
[Out in the Cullen backforest, Jacob is joined by...]
SETH, THE LITTLEST WEREWOLF: If you're gonna be your own alpha because you're the grandson of the real werechief, I wanna be your pack!
JACOB: Dammit, Seth, go be adorable somewhere else--Leah, what are YOU doing here? You hate vampires, you hate Bella, and you hate me!
LEAH: The only thing worse than listening to you mind-meeble about Bella was were-hearing every time my ex-fiancé got it on with my cousin! Don't make me go back there!
JACOB: *WHATEVER paws*
You Can Google It
EMMETT: Dude, did you seriously just google "immortal cum"?
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EDWARD: IMMORTALICUM!
THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!
EMMETT: You totally googled "immortal cum."
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EDWARD: I YAHOOED IT!
EMMETT: ahahahahahaha
Backforest, Chez Sparklepire
ESME: I just wanted you to know, we really appreciate the three of you protecting Bella even thought you hate us so much. Most of us have special powers, like Edward, who can read minds (except Bella's), and Alice, who can see the future (except the baby's), and Jasper, who can control moods with his hair, and my power is love. So I brought you sandwiches. Sandwiches of love.
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LEAH: Are they VAMPIRE SANDWICHES?
ESME: *hangs head*
Carlisle's In-Home Birthing Suite, Because Why Not
EDWARD: Carlisle says that the demon fetus is crushing you inside out, because it's just as sparklestrong and ~*dangerous omg*~ as me. But it probably won't rip you open, because it'll starve you to death first and your heart will just give out. D:<
BELLA: Well... at least you'll have a part of me to cherish after--
EDWARD: WHY WON'T YOU KILL MY BABY?!
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BELLA: How are you anti-choice AND pro-abortion?
EDWARD: How are YOU pro-life AND pro-DEATH?
BELLA: My body, my choice!
EDWARD: WHAT ABOUT MY RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO NOT GIVE YOU A CHOICE?
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BELLA: Yeah, you know what I think about that? HWOOOORRRRRRFFFFFFF
Family Room of Awkward Despair
[Bella is laid up with an IV in her hand, starving as the giant death baby drains her of nutrients. Everyone sits around and watches helplessly. Well, Emmett's in front of the TV watching the game, but, you know.]
BELLA: OW! That was our rib, Precious!
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JACOB: Stupid love of my life. Stupid cuddling to keep her warm. Stupid fever of a hundred and werewolf. Stupid mutant vampire baby. This sucks. EVERYTHING SUCKS.
EDWARD: ... IDEA.
DR. CARLISLE COMPASSIONATE CULLEN: Huh... well, I do have some O-neg laid up for when Bella starts vampiring…
A Scene That Must Have Happened
SOME DOCTOR: The only thing that can save him is an O-negative transfusion!
SOME NURSE: But we're all out of donated blood!
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SOME HEART MONITOR: -^--^--^--MEEEEEEEEEEEEEP------
Family Room of Awkward Despair
JASPER: You... you held out on us?
CARLISLE: Edward, go get a cup--
EMMETT: Bro, go get one of those red Solo cups from the bachelorvamp party!
[Instead, Edward returns with a tall styrofoam cup, a plastic lid, and a straw, because the Cullens... are running a soda fountain back there in the kitchen, I guess? Carlisle squeezes a few pouches of STOLEN DONATED BLOOD into the cup, and, after some hesitation, Bella does what she must to save her baby and her own life: chug down raw blood while a roomful of hungry vampires watch.]
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BELLA [slurrrrp]: Ahhhhhhh. Yesssss… it pleases the Precioussss.
JASPER: *cries*
Casa de Swan
CHARLIE [on phone]: Bella? You really are in quarantine for a rare but curable tropical disease, right? DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE.
BELLA: Yes. I totally am. I totally, totally am. Cough.
CHARLIE: I'M ON A PLANE RIGHT NOW
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BELLA: NO NO NO! I'M NOT IN BRAZIL! I'M IN SWITZERLAND! AT A HOSPITAL! A SPA! A SPASPITAL! ON THE MOON! *CLICK*
YOU GAVE CHARLIE A SAD
And Baby Makes Three
EDWARD: Bella, forgive me for emotionally abandoning you in your time of need. I mean, you completely gave up on life for three months when I made a choice to leave you, so I thought maybe you could give me a couple of weeks to wrap my mind around impregnating you with a murderous hell fetus against all science and reason, but I see now that I was wrong. It is all about you... wait, what did you say?
BELLA: I didn't say anything, I was basking in your Velvet Voice.™
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EDWARD [listening to her stomach]: Death baby... death baby likes me!
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: I can hear his tiny deadly thoughts! The Precious loves you and is very sorry for hurting Mommy! Aren't you, Precious? [*kissing giant terror belly*] Who's a precious little death baby? You are!
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JACOB: Rosalie, I need the barf bucket.
Chez Sparklepire
CARLISLE: Well, Bella's really close to delivering, so I think half of us should go steal more blood from the hospital, before Jasper's hair tries to eat someone. Again.
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JASPER: IS NO ONE EVER GOING TO LET ME LIVE THAT DOWN?
ESME: But how will we get around the wereblockade?
JACOB: No worries. I got this.
The Backforest
JACOB: HEY GUYS! If you all wolf tight right here, I'll go kill the death baby myself! The leeches trust me.
SETH AND LEAH: Gasp!
[But Sam still has a couple of weres posted out in the woods, so Carlisle, Esme and Emmett have to fight them off, and Esme tries to defend herself with love but that's kind of the worst super-power ever, but Emmett is all NOT WITHOUT MY NOT-MOM!!, so they get away and vamp over the gorge back into sparklepire territory.]
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SAM: *shakes paw at the heavens*
Twilight Means Never Having to Say You're Kidding
BELLA: For the baby's name, I thought I should namesmush the people who are most important to me-you know, our parents and not-parents, Charlie and Renee, and Carlisle and Esme, and of course both my favorite guys-
EDWARD AND JACOB: *eyeroll*
BELLA: --so if it's a boy, Edwob Charlisle Edward Jacob, and if it's a girl--this one's really awesome--Renesmee Carlie Cullen.
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JACOB: I don't even know what language you're speaking right now.
EDWARD: *frozen grin*
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ALICE: Well, looks like we're going to have to reboot him again.
BELLA: Don't any of you like it?
ALICE: Well! It's a lot like the situation!
JACOB: UNNATURAL AND FUCKED UP?
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[Then Bella snaps backward in half and collapses, shrieking, broken.]
JACOB: LIKE THAT! JUST LIKE THAT!
CODE NOM
EDWARD: We're going into a Ripley Situation! She's gonna Kane on us!
[By the way, Bella is entirely, screamingly conscious for all of this.]
EDWARD: It's going to have to be a C-section! SCALPEL!
ROSALIE: SAVE THE BABY! YOU MUST... SAVE THE... mmmm delicious freesia tastyblooooood
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EDWARD: ALICE! GET HER OUT OF HERE! LET HER LICK THE SCALPEL OR SOMETHING!
[...leaving Bella with an undead teenager with two outdated medical degrees and a biker wolf who dropped out of high school.]
JACOB: It's not cutting through the sparklemarble amniotic sac! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?!
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EDWARD: Only vampire teeth can cut through vampire tissue! I--I--I'M GOING IN!
. . .
JACOB: NOTHING WILL BE OKAY EVER AGAIN
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[Edward emerges from the strawberry gore and cream-cheese afterbirth with...]
EDWARD: It's a Renesmee!
JACOB: EDWARD, STOP LICKING THE BABY!
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EDWARD: I CAN'T HELP THAT MY DAUGHTER IS DELICIOUS
JACOB: Rosalie, take the baby!
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ROSALIE: **OBJECTIVE ACHIEVED**
JACOB: SHE'S FLATLINING!
EDWARD: GIANT GLITTER SYRINGE!
JACOB: Of what?
EDWARD: My venom!
JACOB: Wait, needles can't pierce sparklemarble, where did you get that?
A Scene That Must Have Happened
EMMETT [banging on door]: HEY BRO, YOU WANNA GO GNAW SOME ELK OR WHATEVER?
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ALICE: Go on without him. He's going be in there for a while.
CODE SPARKLE
JACOB: Edward, I am pretty sure that if a giant injection of sparkle to the heart didn't turn her, chewing on her arms and legs isn't going to do much better--
EDWARD [sobbing, gnawing]: NO! NOOOOO! MY SAVORY BELOVED!
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[Bella is dead. Real real trufax dead. There will be no Part 2, and there will be no millions of dollars. Sob.]
Vamptastic Voyage
[This time, Bella is getting the total vampire firepain experience, and we get a venom's-eye view of all her veins and arteries burning. But though she is having a scream-seizure on the inside, she looks dead on the outside, and Edward, in his grief, seems to think that resusci-crushing every rib she's got is going to bring her back. So Jacob decides that he is gonna go GET THAT BABY and KILL IT DEAD, and there's the Babytron 3000, blissfully rocking a bundle in her arms, and as he approaches, Renesmee catches Jacob's eye (the infant hussy!), and there, with Rosalie blessedly unaware of the fuckery unfolding behind her, Jacob. imprints. ON. THE BABY.]
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[ON THE BABY!!!]
[He then goes tripping into a misty vision of Renesmee as a child and then a teenager presumably at the age of consent (but younger than her 17- and 18-year-old parents, because anything else would just be weird) frolicking through her very own sparkle meadow:]
JACOB: It's like she's your new center of gravity. Nothing exists but her. You would do anything she wanted. Be anything she wanted. Friend, brother, protector, diaper-changer, babysitter, playdate, boyfriendbutonlyifshewantsyouto THAT IMPLIES CONSENT OKAY?!?!
A THING THAT HAPPENS
[And so Jacob drops to his knees in worship of his new Bella-related reason for living:]
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JACOB: Hey baby. You so newborn, baby.
The Obligatory Poetic Voiceover at the Beginning of the Movie
BELLA: "Childhood is not birth to a certain age, where at a certain age the child is grown and puts away childish things."
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[OH NOOOOOOOO]
The Battle of Dazzle Porch
[Edward and Alice and Jasper, who I guess they had locked up in a closet all this time, must fight off the wolves! They are outnumbered and chewed upon! BUT THEN! Carlisle and Esme and Emmett return to punch wolves in the face, YEAH BRO! and Sethwolf and Leahwolf join the vampires but things are still not looking too good and then Jacob LEAPS INTO THE FRAY!]
Do you MIND? My newborn half-vamp soulmate is TRYING TO SLEEP!
JACOB: IMPRINTED, SUCKAAAAS!
THE CULLENS: WTF?
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THE WOLVES: grrrtf?
EDWARD: [reading Jacob's mind]: It's... true. He... he imprinted on my baby. And the wolves can't attack anyone's... imprintee? Game over.
[Everyone kind of looks around awkwardly, kicks some dirt, and wanders away.]
EDWARD: Welp. Guess we better go check on my dead wife.
JACOB: Seriously? You're not mad?
EDWARD: Whatever.
JACOB: You're not going to beat my ass? It was in the trailer and everything!
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EDWARD: Furball, I still have placenta stuck in my teeth. I'll deal with you later.
The Hottening
ALICE: This is my favorite part!
[Alice dresses Bella's lifeless body in a cute blue minidress, and while she's off dyeing shoes to match, the venom unbreaks Bella's back, uncrushes her ribs, installs new curves, and does her hair and eyeshadow. Bella's life sparkles before her eyes: the indie rock, the love triangulation, the dumbass suicidal stunts she pulled, all the plot points who tried to kill her, the montages within montages, love at first whiff, the blue camera filters and the golden topaz amberscotch eyesex, all the way back to when she herself was a newborn, because she is going to be reborn, if you see what they did there. So the Cullens stand around keeping vigil while Edward waits for Bella to come back to him, bitterly scrapbooking ~*Baby's First Crush.*~]
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ESME [*shoulder pat*]: A watched vamp never sparkles. Come on, Edward, we can go watch Jacob play patty-cake, it'll be okay.
...
...
...
BELLA: 8 [
TO BE CONTINUED.
A Scene Halfway Through the Credits
[Aro and the other two Volturi sit on their Italian vampire thrones, because that's all you have to do when you're umpteen thousand years old; I guess Carlisle, like, called their palace or something and left a message, and their human secretary, Bianca, apparently wrote it down:]
SOME MESSAGE: Carlile says Bela is a vampir so u dont need to kill them
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ARO: Grazie, my sweet. Colossus? Flay her.
ALICE: I psychically see an MSNBC van headed our way? Someone is going to ring the bell--a "Chris Hansen"?
JACOB: NOBODY OPEN THE DOOR!!
Fin.
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( Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
New Moon in Fifteen Minutes
Eclipse in Fifteen Minutes
Recaps of the books
WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE, HORRIFYING IMAGES, THAT WHICH CANNOT BE UNSEEN
PREVIOUSLY ON: AS THE VAMPIRE SPARKLES: Edward is such a ~*dangerous monster omg*~ that he doesn't want to have sex with Bella while she's still fragile and meaty, but sex is the one thing she wants to do before she becomes a vampire, but he won't sex her unless they get married first because premarital vampiring is bad, but Bella doesn't want to get married because her parents divorced young, but she does want to have sex now and she wants to become a vampire before she gets OOOOOOLD, and then you put the fox and the grain in the boat and you leave the goose back on the riverbank. Also, Bella stomped on Jacob's furry heart sixteen times.
It's a Pity Party and You're Invited!
We cordially request the agony of your presence
at the wedding of
ISABELLA MARIE SWAN and NOT YOU
on
THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
at
THE HOME OF YOUR ENEMIES
____________________P.S. lol
____________________-- Edward
THE ONE TIME JACOB TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT: Fuck this ice-cold marble-hard popsicle stand! I'M FURSPLODING TO CANADA.
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BILLY BLACK, JACOB'S DAD: Don't you explode those pants! I'm not made of jean shorts, you know!
Chez Sparklepire
[The Cullens have a forest in their backyard, as you do, and Alice Cullen, Psychic Bridezilla by Proxy, is transforming it for the wedding of her dreams.]
ALICE: HAUL THAT TREE LIKE YOU MEAN IT, EMMETT! SO HELP ME SPARKLE, I'M GOING TO HAVE A FAIRYTALE WOODLAND WEDDING OR ELSE!
BELLA: But Alice, it's not "your"--
ALICE: BREAK IN THOSE SHOES!
BELLA: Stiletto heels? Where did you get these, a "White Wedding" strip routine?
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ALICE: MARCH!
Casa de Swan
EDWARD: Before I go out to my Vampire Bachelor Party, Bella… there's something I have to tell you. About myself.
BELLA: Are you… gay?
EDWARD: Subsequent events will prove that this is not the case, no.
BELLA: Are you not a virgin?
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BOTH OF THEM: LOL
BELLA: No, seriously, what, then?
EDWARD: Well... back in the '30s… I had a rebellious phase where, orphaned by my real parents, I stalked the mean streets of a dark city, to vam and to pire those who would make the innocent their victims, and I brooded over it broodsomely 24/7.
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BELLA: So… basically, you were Batman. Vampire Batman.
EDWARD: With a jaunty cap, yes.
EMMETT [outside]: HEY BRO YOU GONNA PARTY OR WHAT?
BELLA: So are there, like, Victorian strippers in the woods or something?
EDWARD: Nah, just a few mountain lions. Party platter of bear and elk.
A Scene That Must Have Happened
EMMETT: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
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JASPER: WOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Nice Day for a Red Wedding
EDWARD: Do you take me, Nightmare Sparkle Monster, in rose petals and blood drool, on top of the corpses of your friends and family, for as long as we both shall kill?
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BELLA: I dAHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Actual ~*Big Day*~
ALICE: Everyone accounted for?
BELLA: Still here, falling off my shoes.
ALICE: Rosalie, you still hate Bella for giving up any chance of the babies?
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ROSALIE: Reporting for duty! *stink-eye*
ALICE: Parents of the bride?
RENEE, BELLA'S MOM: I brought your grandmother's heirloom diamond comb! You might as well have it now since I'm going to disappear entirely from your life!
BELLA: Grandma who got OOOOLD?
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CHARLIE, BELLA'S DAD: I need all the drinks.
A Scene That Must Have Happened
ALICE: Okay, I want a really cute, much shorter '20s hairdo for this wedding, and since only vampire teeth can cut vampire tissue, I'm gonna need you to help me out, Rosalie. Now: BITE!
ALL THE WISTERIA IN THE WORLD
[Bella's side of the audience contains all the snarky, interesting humans she never plans on seeing ever again; Edward's is full of international sparklepires eyeing the mundanes and trying not to lick their chops. Also, we get a long, loving closeup of Stephenie Meyer in the audience.]
BELLA: Did you invite God to the wedding?
EDWARD: No… did you?
SOME MINISTER: We gather today to witness this union, finally.
EDWARD: I take you, Tasty Adoraklutz Beloved...
BELLA: Angel Cupcake Marble Adonis...
EDWARD: to stalk and to sleep-watch
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BELLA: for bitch or for moan
EDWARD: for emo or for angst,
BELLA: in dazzle and chagrin,
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EDWARD: to trip and fall over
TOGETHER: ...so long as we both unlive.
SOME MINISTER: I now pronounce you teen bride and sparklepire! You may now make out for five minutes solid!
Here Comes the Bride, Just the Bride, Only the Bride
[Everyone gets up one by one at the reception and talks about how special-amazing Bella is, because, despite two people exchanging vows, this is her special day. I... I kind of want one of my own now. For the toasts, all the sparklepires discreetly toss champagne over their shoulders.]
CHARLIE: Bella, I just want you to know that I will always be your home, and that if you ever went missing for a suspiciously extended period of time, I would hunt you down until I died of it. And YOU. You've got my little girl now, Cullen. And I've got a gun, a shovel, and a grave with your name on it. *DRINKS*
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JESSICA: So I'm totally happy that The Hair decided to settle for a slack-ass underachiever who wasn't captain or president or Oscar nominee of anything at all. I mean, it's really great that college and life and experience don't matter to Bella, and it's great that her total lack of ambition doesn't matter to him. Cheers, you guys!
EMMETT: TIME TO LET YOUR NASTY OFF THE CHAIN, BRO!
CHARLIE: *SHOTGUN*
Some Blondepires We've Never Seen Before, Except the One Who Was on LOST
IRINA: YOU KILLED LAURENT!
EDWARD: Actually, that was the wolves, I was off moping uselessly in Rio at the time--
IRINA: YOU INVITED HIS KILLERS TO THE WEDDING!!
EDWARD: Well, I mean, just the one I wanted to torment--
IRINA: HE WAS MY MATE!!!
EDWARD: HE TRIED TO EAT THE TASTY BELOVED!
IRINA: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!!!
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BELLA: Excuse us, we've got somewhere even more awkward to be right now--
Save the Last Dance
JACOB: Hey baby. You so married to my worst enemy, baby.
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BELLA: Don't make this weird, Jacob. Can't I just jerk you around with my snuggles one last time?
JACOB: Look, I just want to have one last, quiet, respectful dance with you before you're dead to me.
BELLA: Well, I'm not going to be dead to you for a while yet, you know. Edward and I have to have our honeymoon first--
Five Minutes Later
[A wedding werewolf brawl breaks out as the pack attempts to restrain Jacob from snarfling the groom.]
JACOB: HE'S GONNA FUCK HER TO DEATH!!
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BELLA: OH MY GOD, JACOB!
Vampires Are the 1%
[Finally, after achieving every possible degree of awkwardness, the Swan-Cullens speed off in the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice for their secret surprise honeymoon destination. Later that night, after an eighteen-hour flight on a private sparkle jet through a rip in time and space, the newlyweds arrive in Rio, where I guess Edward set up a Brazilian street dance full of PDA to show Bella what people who actually have sex look like.]
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BELLA: So… you brought me to… what, where the place you have fond memories of that time you thought I was dead?
EDWARD: Of course not! I'm taking you on our private boat to the private island Carlisle bought for Esme!
Isle Esme
BELLA: Man, I can't wait to get Christmas presents from these people.
[Edward carries Bella over the threshold of a vacation home full of sex surfaces: sofas, couches, chaise longues and divaaaans. Bella bashfully reconsiders her commitment to sparkle motion.]
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EDWARD: So… big white bed. Four-poster. Alice said to spring for the filmy white drapery so it can flutter in the sultry tropical breeze. She says there's always a sultry tropical breeze. This kind of place, it comes standard. I feel cold. Do you feel cold? Maybe we should go for a swim first. In the warm, tropical water. Because it's warm. And I'm cold. I'm babbling. Are we going to have the sex any time soon?
BELLA: *looks down, shuffles feet, bites lip*
EDWARD: OH MY GOD YOU'VE BEEN HUMPING MY LEG FOR THREE WHOLE MOVIES NOW WHAT IS YOUR DEAL
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BELLA: omg brb have to shave leg stubble regrow it and shave it again see you in a few days!
Bathroom of Fairly Realistic Teen Sex Anxiety
BELLA: GET IT TOGETHER, SWAN, YOUR CUPCAKE IS WAITING. Toothpaste! Hairbrush! Razor! Black lace...? Oh my God, Alice.
A Scene That Must Have Happened
ALICE [browsing catalogues]: So should I get Bella the crotchless black lace teddy or the see-through corset?
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EMMETT: DUUUUDE. We're filthy rich, get her both! Hey, Rose, why don't you ever wear fine-ass shit like--
ROSALIE: *HEADSMACK*
The Warm, Tropical, Warm, Moonlit Water
EDWARD: HEY BELLA! WHENEVER YOU'RE READY! I AM JUST SAYING THAT SPARKLEMARBLE ABSORBS HEAT, IF YOU WANTED TO KNOW!
A Tasteful Sex Montage
[Tender honey-toned caresses CRASH BANG CRASH BANG BANG BANG unf unf unf SMASH RIP BITE BITE BITE ~feathers~]
The Morning After
BELLA: Aw yeahhhh.
A thing that happens
EDWARD: BELLA, LOOK IN THE MIRROR. YOU ARE COVERED IN THE BRUISE PRINTS OF MY HANDS.
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BELLA: Unf.
EDWARD: BELLA! I HURT YOU!
BELLA: That was the best part!
EDWARD: OH MY GOD!
BELLA: MOAR!
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EDWARD: *flees*
BELLA: WHY DID I LET YOU MAKE ME GET MARRIED IF WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT ALL THE TIME?!
Werewolf Beach Bonfire 2: Werewolf Touch Soccerball
[Previously On: All My Werewolves: Leah the Girlwolf was engaged to Sam the Werechief but then Sam imprinted on her muffin-baking cousin Emily so now Leah gets to hear all of Sam's shared werethoughts about how 2getha 4evah he and Emily are, and also that guy Quil imprinted on a two-year-old and everyone is okay with this.]
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JACOB: Look at them. Look at all of those happy imprinting assholes. Snuggling in the sand, cuddling by the fire, giving up their free will, playing patty-cake--
LEAH: At least they have someone who can't tell them no. And they don't sit around and BITCH ALL THE TIME, JACOB.
JACOB: Imprinting's the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. It's the only thing worse than not imprinting on anyone at all. This sucks. EVERYTHING SUCKS!
LEAH: Now including Bella?
JACOB: I HATE YOU.
LEAH: You're just jealous that all the force-kissing in the world couldn't make Bella choose you instead of Dazzle Jaaaaaames Deaaaaaan.
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JACOB: FUCK MY LIFE
Isle Sexme
EDWARD: HEY LOOK I HAVE A FULL DAY OF WHOLESOME ACTIVITIES PLANNED.
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BELLA: I have a suitcase full of Agent Provocateur. Game on.
[Bella apparently spends two weeks chasing Edward over hill and dale, jungle and waterfall, in bikinis and babydoll negligees.]
BELLA: Hey baby, are you tired? Because you've been sparklespeeding through my mind all day.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: I WON'T CONSENT TO SPOUSAL ABUSE!
BELLA: I consent to it! I consent to it all night long.
EDWARD: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, TEMPTRESS!
BELLA: Check out my underpants, baby, they're marital now.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: WOMAN! HOW MANY PILLOWS MUST DIE BEFORE YOUR LUST IS SATED?
BELLA: Don't think I haven't learned a few tricks from you. You have to sleep sometime. And I will be there.
EDWARD: Where have you been? I'm a vampire, I don't sleep.
BELLA: GAHHH!
That Night In, Apparently, The Still-Broken Bed
EDWARD: What's wrong--why are you crying? A nightmare?
BELLA: No! I was having the best dream ever--a dream about--about--strip chess!
The subliminal booty shorts of sexual frustration
EDWARD: Chess? Chess? That's... hot.
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BELLA: Queen to your clothes on the floor, baby.
EDWARD: But... my pulverizing masculinity...?
BELLA: Hey. I have an idea. About getting crushed by the massive force of your marble-hard Adonis form. How about… this time… I get on top?
EDWARD: That's… that's not proper or traditional at all.
BELLA: Wait, hear me out--
EDWARD: IT'S GENIUS
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BELLA: I KNOW RIGHT
A Scene That Must Have Happened
EMMETT: Dude. Bro. Dude. Bro. Dude. We gotta have a talk. The Talk. Because a dude has to know what to do to his lady, and I'm pretty sure you don't, bro.
EDWARD: Emmett, I went to med school. Twice.
EMMETT: I got two words for you: Cow. Girl.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: ...with... hats and a lasso?
EMMETT: ... I'll be in my bunk.
The Other Morning After
BELLA: That's what I'm talkin' about.
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Only one of Bella's appetites is sated, so she starts raiding the tropical honeymoon fridge.]
BELLA: Uh... I don't feel so BARRRRRRRRRRF
EDWARD: I leave you alone for five minutes. At least you didn't fall off a cliff, I guess.
BELLA: Maybe the chicken I fried was bad?
EDWARD: Maybe because you were eating it with peanut butter out of the jar?
BELLA: Yeah, well, we didn't have any pickles or ice cr…
EDWARD: …
BELLA: …
EDWARD: …
© 2011 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Oh, fuck.
EDWARD: …
BELLA [on phone]: Yeah, hey, Alice? We got a problem.
ALICE: I am psychically seeing that you're going to need to talk to CARLISLE GET ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW
CARLISLE: Bella? What's wrong?
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BELLA: Well, your vampire not-son's gone white…r, and I've got a second-trimester fetus--OW!--already kicking inside--OW!
CARLISLE: Let me talk to Edward!
BELLA: Edward's... not here right now.
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EDWARD: ...
BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH in sparklepire format
BELLA: EDWARD, SAY SOMETHING!
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EDWARD: DEMON CHILD! GET IT OUT, THE DEMON MONSTER CHIIIIIILD!
BELLA: It's YOUR demon child!
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EDWARD: Yes, and now I'm self-loathing for two!
[Fortunately, they happen to have a superstitious Brazilian cleaning lady who happens to believe in sparklepires and has been giving Edward the side-eye all this time and better be getting paid double for cleaning up their sex wreckage and just might know how to help Bella.]
EDWARD: Please--my wife--help us--!
SUPERSTITIOUS BRAZILIAN CLEANING LADY: *side-eyes Bella's stomach*
EDWARD: Is there anything we can do to save her?
SUPERSTITIOUS BRAZILIAN CLEANING LADY [in Portuguese]: DEAAAATH! THE UNHUMAN IS DEAAAAATH!!
EDWARD: WE MUST DESTROY THE UNBABY!!
[While Edward speed-packs, the indie rock soundtrack makes Bella realize that she wants her super-accelerated vampbryo.]
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BELLA [whispering on phone]: Rosalie! Infant obsession activate!
Jacob's House, La Push Reservation
CHARLIE: Bella says she's been quarantined with an extremely rare and contagious tropical disease, so she's not coming home...?
JACOB: And you believe that?
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CHARLIE: Maybe I do. Maybe... [*SHOTGUN*] ...I don't.
Chez Sparklepire
JACOB: OPEN UP, LEECHES!
CARLISLE: Shhhhh--
BELLA [distantly]: Who is at the dooooooor, Precioussss?
JACOB: Wait, she's here?
[He runs up the stairs to discover--a grotesque, greymaciated Bella, a hundred months pregnant, lying on a sofa, cradling the swollen belly that is draining her life force. Before her, Rosalie stands guard; beside her, Edward sits with her vomit pail, putting together the saddest scrapbook ever.]
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BELLUM: Yessss... Jacob may approach us, Precioussssss...
JACOB: Oh my God, what's wrong with her?
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EDWARD: She's got… [haunted whisper:] Cronenberg Syndrome.
JACOB: YOU DID THIS!!
[And only the Cullen family can keep Jacob from pounding Edward into glitter, for Edward will not defend himself. His will to live is gone, his heart is broken: his dazzle is utterly chagrined.]
EDWARD [*sob*]: I've killed her with my virile hell-seed!
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JACOB: WHY WON'T ANYONE TAKE IT OUT OF HER?!
CARLISLE: Well, we were going to, but then Bella summoned the Babytron 3000.
ROSALIE: **BABIES ARE MY PRIME DIRECTIVE**
EDWARD: Jacob... let's talk outside for a moment.
ROSALIE: Edward! Don't you dare go offer Jacob sex rights to Bella if he'll get her to abort the baby!
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EDWARD: GOD, ROSALIE, OKAY!
The Treaty of Sparklefur
EDWARD: Look, I want to force a radical demonectomy on Bella as much as you do. For some wacky reason, she chose to marry me but she's all about you. Go convince her to have a vampire abortion to save her life. Please. I'm begging you. And if you can't, and my nightmare hellspawn destroys her, you can have what you've always wanted. You can kill me.
[Jacob pauses to imagine the moment he has longed for: his hated rival, alone in the forest, tackled by a rogue Snuffleupagus.]
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EDWARD: Try to make it look a little better when you actually do it, okay?
Jacob Black, Abortion Counselor
ROSALIE: **PERIMETER BREACHED**
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BELLA: It's okay, Rosalie. Jacob may approach the Precioussss. We long for his chestular fires, yesssss.
JACOB: I can't... what? I can't even. DEATH BABY IS GOING TO RIP YOU OPEN!
BELLA: PRECIOUS IS A MIRACLE, WOLFBOY. YESSSSSSS.
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JACOB: I CAN'T EVEN BE HAVING WITH THIS
[Jacob storms outside *MOTORCYCLE KICK* because he is the worst at helping ever *SHIRT RIP* and hulks off to howl it out in the woods *PANTS POOF* where of course all the other wolves can hear his wolfy thoughts.]
ALL THE WOLVES: GROWL?!?!
SAMWOLF, CHIEF OF WOLVES: GRRRRR? GRR GROWL GRRR RWWWWOWWWWL???
JACOBWOLF: GRRRRRR!
SAMWOLF: GRRRRR GRRRRRR!
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SETHWOLF: arf arf arf!
GRRRRR! GRRR? GRRRRRRWWWWW.
SAMWOLF: GRRR! GRRR! GRRRR!
JACOBWOLF [defiantly]: GRRRRRROWWWWWWWLLLLL!!!!
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[Well, that explains everything.]
A Scene That Must Have Happened
JACOB: Man, I am so glad I keep a stash of unexploded clothes in the woods.
Chez Sparklepire, Command Center
JACOB: Well, I'm back. Good news is that the wolves are going to sit outside until you come out. Bad news is, the wolves are going to sit outside until you come out. But I'm sure you leeches have kept yourselves fed all these weeks so that you wouldn't get hungry and attack Bella.
CARLISLE: ...Oh.
EMMETT: I NEED MY PROTEIN, BRO!
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JACOB: MAKE IT WORK.
[Out in the Cullen backforest, Jacob is joined by...]
SETH, THE LITTLEST WEREWOLF: If you're gonna be your own alpha because you're the grandson of the real werechief, I wanna be your pack!
JACOB: Dammit, Seth, go be adorable somewhere else--Leah, what are YOU doing here? You hate vampires, you hate Bella, and you hate me!
LEAH: The only thing worse than listening to you mind-meeble about Bella was were-hearing every time my ex-fiancé got it on with my cousin! Don't make me go back there!
JACOB: *WHATEVER paws*
You Can Google It
EMMETT: Dude, did you seriously just google "immortal cum"?
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EDWARD: IMMORTALICUM!
THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!
EMMETT: You totally googled "immortal cum."
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EDWARD: I YAHOOED IT!
EMMETT: ahahahahahaha
Backforest, Chez Sparklepire
ESME: I just wanted you to know, we really appreciate the three of you protecting Bella even thought you hate us so much. Most of us have special powers, like Edward, who can read minds (except Bella's), and Alice, who can see the future (except the baby's), and Jasper, who can control moods with his hair, and my power is love. So I brought you sandwiches. Sandwiches of love.
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LEAH: Are they VAMPIRE SANDWICHES?
ESME: *hangs head*
Carlisle's In-Home Birthing Suite, Because Why Not
EDWARD: Carlisle says that the demon fetus is crushing you inside out, because it's just as sparklestrong and ~*dangerous omg*~ as me. But it probably won't rip you open, because it'll starve you to death first and your heart will just give out. D:<
BELLA: Well... at least you'll have a part of me to cherish after--
EDWARD: WHY WON'T YOU KILL MY BABY?!
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BELLA: How are you anti-choice AND pro-abortion?
EDWARD: How are YOU pro-life AND pro-DEATH?
BELLA: My body, my choice!
EDWARD: WHAT ABOUT MY RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO NOT GIVE YOU A CHOICE?
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BELLA: Yeah, you know what I think about that? HWOOOORRRRRRFFFFFFF
Family Room of Awkward Despair
[Bella is laid up with an IV in her hand, starving as the giant death baby drains her of nutrients. Everyone sits around and watches helplessly. Well, Emmett's in front of the TV watching the game, but, you know.]
BELLA: OW! That was our rib, Precious!
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JACOB: Stupid love of my life. Stupid cuddling to keep her warm. Stupid fever of a hundred and werewolf. Stupid mutant vampire baby. This sucks. EVERYTHING SUCKS.
EDWARD: ... IDEA.
DR. CARLISLE COMPASSIONATE CULLEN: Huh... well, I do have some O-neg laid up for when Bella starts vampiring…
A Scene That Must Have Happened
SOME DOCTOR: The only thing that can save him is an O-negative transfusion!
SOME NURSE: But we're all out of donated blood!
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SOME HEART MONITOR: -^--^--^--MEEEEEEEEEEEEEP------
Family Room of Awkward Despair
JASPER: You... you held out on us?
CARLISLE: Edward, go get a cup--
EMMETT: Bro, go get one of those red Solo cups from the bachelorvamp party!
[Instead, Edward returns with a tall styrofoam cup, a plastic lid, and a straw, because the Cullens... are running a soda fountain back there in the kitchen, I guess? Carlisle squeezes a few pouches of STOLEN DONATED BLOOD into the cup, and, after some hesitation, Bella does what she must to save her baby and her own life: chug down raw blood while a roomful of hungry vampires watch.]
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BELLA [slurrrrp]: Ahhhhhhh. Yesssss… it pleases the Precioussss.
JASPER: *cries*
Casa de Swan
CHARLIE [on phone]: Bella? You really are in quarantine for a rare but curable tropical disease, right? DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE.
BELLA: Yes. I totally am. I totally, totally am. Cough.
CHARLIE: I'M ON A PLANE RIGHT NOW
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BELLA: NO NO NO! I'M NOT IN BRAZIL! I'M IN SWITZERLAND! AT A HOSPITAL! A SPA! A SPASPITAL! ON THE MOON! *CLICK*
YOU GAVE CHARLIE A SAD
And Baby Makes Three
EDWARD: Bella, forgive me for emotionally abandoning you in your time of need. I mean, you completely gave up on life for three months when I made a choice to leave you, so I thought maybe you could give me a couple of weeks to wrap my mind around impregnating you with a murderous hell fetus against all science and reason, but I see now that I was wrong. It is all about you... wait, what did you say?
BELLA: I didn't say anything, I was basking in your Velvet Voice.™
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EDWARD [listening to her stomach]: Death baby... death baby likes me!
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: I can hear his tiny deadly thoughts! The Precious loves you and is very sorry for hurting Mommy! Aren't you, Precious? [*kissing giant terror belly*] Who's a precious little death baby? You are!
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JACOB: Rosalie, I need the barf bucket.
Chez Sparklepire
CARLISLE: Well, Bella's really close to delivering, so I think half of us should go steal more blood from the hospital, before Jasper's hair tries to eat someone. Again.
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JASPER: IS NO ONE EVER GOING TO LET ME LIVE THAT DOWN?
ESME: But how will we get around the wereblockade?
JACOB: No worries. I got this.
The Backforest
JACOB: HEY GUYS! If you all wolf tight right here, I'll go kill the death baby myself! The leeches trust me.
SETH AND LEAH: Gasp!
[But Sam still has a couple of weres posted out in the woods, so Carlisle, Esme and Emmett have to fight them off, and Esme tries to defend herself with love but that's kind of the worst super-power ever, but Emmett is all NOT WITHOUT MY NOT-MOM!!, so they get away and vamp over the gorge back into sparklepire territory.]
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SAM: *shakes paw at the heavens*
Twilight Means Never Having to Say You're Kidding
BELLA: For the baby's name, I thought I should namesmush the people who are most important to me-you know, our parents and not-parents, Charlie and Renee, and Carlisle and Esme, and of course both my favorite guys-
EDWARD AND JACOB: *eyeroll*
BELLA: --so if it's a boy, Edwob Charlisle Edward Jacob, and if it's a girl--this one's really awesome--Renesmee Carlie Cullen.
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JACOB: I don't even know what language you're speaking right now.
EDWARD: *frozen grin*
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ALICE: Well, looks like we're going to have to reboot him again.
BELLA: Don't any of you like it?
ALICE: Well! It's a lot like the situation!
JACOB: UNNATURAL AND FUCKED UP?
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[Then Bella snaps backward in half and collapses, shrieking, broken.]
JACOB: LIKE THAT! JUST LIKE THAT!
CODE NOM
EDWARD: We're going into a Ripley Situation! She's gonna Kane on us!
[By the way, Bella is entirely, screamingly conscious for all of this.]
EDWARD: It's going to have to be a C-section! SCALPEL!
ROSALIE: SAVE THE BABY! YOU MUST... SAVE THE... mmmm delicious freesia tastyblooooood
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EDWARD: ALICE! GET HER OUT OF HERE! LET HER LICK THE SCALPEL OR SOMETHING!
[...leaving Bella with an undead teenager with two outdated medical degrees and a biker wolf who dropped out of high school.]
JACOB: It's not cutting through the sparklemarble amniotic sac! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?!
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EDWARD: Only vampire teeth can cut through vampire tissue! I--I--I'M GOING IN!
. . .
JACOB: NOTHING WILL BE OKAY EVER AGAIN
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[Edward emerges from the strawberry gore and cream-cheese afterbirth with...]
EDWARD: It's a Renesmee!
JACOB: EDWARD, STOP LICKING THE BABY!
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EDWARD: I CAN'T HELP THAT MY DAUGHTER IS DELICIOUS
JACOB: Rosalie, take the baby!
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ROSALIE: **OBJECTIVE ACHIEVED**
JACOB: SHE'S FLATLINING!
EDWARD: GIANT GLITTER SYRINGE!
JACOB: Of what?
EDWARD: My venom!
JACOB: Wait, needles can't pierce sparklemarble, where did you get that?
A Scene That Must Have Happened
EMMETT [banging on door]: HEY BRO, YOU WANNA GO GNAW SOME ELK OR WHATEVER?
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ALICE: Go on without him. He's going be in there for a while.
CODE SPARKLE
JACOB: Edward, I am pretty sure that if a giant injection of sparkle to the heart didn't turn her, chewing on her arms and legs isn't going to do much better--
EDWARD [sobbing, gnawing]: NO! NOOOOO! MY SAVORY BELOVED!
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[Bella is dead. Real real trufax dead. There will be no Part 2, and there will be no millions of dollars. Sob.]
Vamptastic Voyage
[This time, Bella is getting the total vampire firepain experience, and we get a venom's-eye view of all her veins and arteries burning. But though she is having a scream-seizure on the inside, she looks dead on the outside, and Edward, in his grief, seems to think that resusci-crushing every rib she's got is going to bring her back. So Jacob decides that he is gonna go GET THAT BABY and KILL IT DEAD, and there's the Babytron 3000, blissfully rocking a bundle in her arms, and as he approaches, Renesmee catches Jacob's eye (the infant hussy!), and there, with Rosalie blessedly unaware of the fuckery unfolding behind her, Jacob. imprints. ON. THE BABY.]
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[ON THE BABY!!!]
[He then goes tripping into a misty vision of Renesmee as a child and then a teenager presumably at the age of consent (but younger than her 17- and 18-year-old parents, because anything else would just be weird) frolicking through her very own sparkle meadow:]
JACOB: It's like she's your new center of gravity. Nothing exists but her. You would do anything she wanted. Be anything she wanted. Friend, brother, protector, diaper-changer, babysitter, playdate, boyfriendbutonlyifshewantsyouto THAT IMPLIES CONSENT OKAY?!?!
A THING THAT HAPPENS
[And so Jacob drops to his knees in worship of his new Bella-related reason for living:]
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JACOB: Hey baby. You so newborn, baby.
The Obligatory Poetic Voiceover at the Beginning of the Movie
BELLA: "Childhood is not birth to a certain age, where at a certain age the child is grown and puts away childish things."
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[OH NOOOOOOOO]
The Battle of Dazzle Porch
[Edward and Alice and Jasper, who I guess they had locked up in a closet all this time, must fight off the wolves! They are outnumbered and chewed upon! BUT THEN! Carlisle and Esme and Emmett return to punch wolves in the face, YEAH BRO! and Sethwolf and Leahwolf join the vampires but things are still not looking too good and then Jacob LEAPS INTO THE FRAY!]
Do you MIND? My newborn half-vamp soulmate is TRYING TO SLEEP!
JACOB: IMPRINTED, SUCKAAAAS!
THE CULLENS: WTF?
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THE WOLVES: grrrtf?
EDWARD: [reading Jacob's mind]: It's... true. He... he imprinted on my baby. And the wolves can't attack anyone's... imprintee? Game over.
[Everyone kind of looks around awkwardly, kicks some dirt, and wanders away.]
EDWARD: Welp. Guess we better go check on my dead wife.
JACOB: Seriously? You're not mad?
EDWARD: Whatever.
JACOB: You're not going to beat my ass? It was in the trailer and everything!
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EDWARD: Furball, I still have placenta stuck in my teeth. I'll deal with you later.
The Hottening
ALICE: This is my favorite part!
[Alice dresses Bella's lifeless body in a cute blue minidress, and while she's off dyeing shoes to match, the venom unbreaks Bella's back, uncrushes her ribs, installs new curves, and does her hair and eyeshadow. Bella's life sparkles before her eyes: the indie rock, the love triangulation, the dumbass suicidal stunts she pulled, all the plot points who tried to kill her, the montages within montages, love at first whiff, the blue camera filters and the golden topaz amberscotch eyesex, all the way back to when she herself was a newborn, because she is going to be reborn, if you see what they did there. So the Cullens stand around keeping vigil while Edward waits for Bella to come back to him, bitterly scrapbooking ~*Baby's First Crush.*~]
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ESME [*shoulder pat*]: A watched vamp never sparkles. Come on, Edward, we can go watch Jacob play patty-cake, it'll be okay.
...
...
...
BELLA: 8 [
TO BE CONTINUED.
A Scene Halfway Through the Credits
[Aro and the other two Volturi sit on their Italian vampire thrones, because that's all you have to do when you're umpteen thousand years old; I guess Carlisle, like, called their palace or something and left a message, and their human secretary, Bianca, apparently wrote it down:]
SOME MESSAGE: Carlile says Bela is a vampir so u dont need to kill them
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ARO: Grazie, my sweet. Colossus? Flay her.
ALICE: I psychically see an MSNBC van headed our way? Someone is going to ring the bell--a "Chris Hansen"?
JACOB: NOBODY OPEN THE DOOR!!
Fin.
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