Today

[madcatwoman]

Today would have been my Ma's 84th birthday.

Until a few years ago we were very, very close, but we seemed to lose that bond after Dave died and we never regained it. Mum got older and more picky and snarky. I got older and less tolerant of her "foibles" and fear of modern technology (as in "Oh, I can't possibly use the CD player on my machine,

Comments

[frandowdsofa]

Don't beat yourself up, it happened (is still happening) to me too. Mam was in her mid-eighties when she died nearly five years ago. It's taken me a long time to realise that stuff I lived with and accepted for years were due to things in her background and personality that I never saw because I was too close. I've had a time to be more objective, talk about her with other people in a way that wasn't possible when she was alive, and realise her failings. I got very angry with her for a while, but I've grown more forgiving and we now are approaching an adult relationship we just couldn't have when she was alive.

But yes, it's very hard.

[madcatwoman]

Yes, with time comes the ability to distance oneself from the emotional gubbins a bit and see the person as a person. I'm still quite confused about my feelings at the moment. I miss the Mum of my teens and 20s (and 30s, to some extent), but not the Mum of my 40s. She was starting to lose the plot and being increasingly "difficult" and argumentative. I tried to be as tolerant as possible, but I just found her wearing and was glad when she went home. And now - well, coming to terms has to start I guess.

[trampledamage]

Give yourself a break. People are people, and I've never felt that being related to someone means you are any more or less likely to be close to them (less likely, actually, due to forced proximity and the like!)

Virtual hugs and cups of tea.

[madcatwoman]

I miss the real friendship that we had before Dave died - after that, she seemed to withdraw from me. My in-laws became more like parents to me. Strange what life has in store...

[trampledamage]

That makes a lot of sense, and I guess it's going to take a while to be able to enjoy (and miss) her for all the good stuff and forget, just a little, what went wrong.

Things happened in the wrong order for you, Dave should have been there to help you through your mum's death not the other way around. He would have known when to hug and when to make an acerbic sarcastic comment to pull you out of a funk :o)

[itsjustaname]

What she said (unsurprisingly enough).

Give yourself a break and time. What you fel is what you feel, there's no right or wrong.

[cx650]

I sometimes find my Dad annoying, but then I expect I annoy him sometimes too.

Try not to let it worry you, after all there are others out there who have no closeness with their parents/siblings at all.

Hugs!

[madcatwoman]

I think it's the loss of what I used to have with her when I was younger. My friends thought that I was incredibly lucky to be so close to her, and to be able to talk so openly with her about everything. By last summer she was having problems communicating ( a stammer that re-emerged after 60 years) and because found talking to be a problem, she started to withdraw. I lost her before I lost her.

[kalieris]

((warm hugs))

At first after my mom died I felt actually disloyal for being critical of her in any way, if only in my thoughts, but couldn't help think about the things about our relationship and about her personally that were disappointments. On top of that, I didn't miss her illness, or her almost crippling anxiety and timidity. Almost 5 years later, I no longer feel disloyal. Those thoughts were just things that had to be examined, and I hadn't had either the energy or the freedom to do so when she was alive.

It's definitely hard. ((more hugs))

[madcatwoman]

"her almost crippling anxiety and timidity" - oh yes. BTDT. In her 70s she was full of life - having a couple of affairs, buying sexy undies, absolutely bombproof. Then about 2 years ago she had her bag stolen twice and she also had (I think) a minor stroke and she changed into a proper old lady almost overnight. And then worrit, worrit, worrit. Everything was a problem and seemingly nothing was a joy. She stopped socialising as much as she used to and was secretive about soooo much.
I will be taking things out of the box marked "Mum" for some time, I think. Taking them out, looking at them in a new light, and putting them back in the box.
I will also be praying to any passing deity that I do not turn into her...

[kalieris]

I actually wrote that as one of my goals recently: "do not turn into my mother."

I'm sure I will end up awful in other ways (if my son is asked in 40 or so years), but if I can avoid the timidity and the passive aggression, I'll be thrilled.

[madcatwoman]

I've always had some aspects of her in my make-up, but that's to be expected... but like you, I want to avoid the annoying stuff. I'll find plenty of my own annoying foibles!!