#24 This Long Journey Home {6/7}
Sehun has listened to Jongin well. As painful as it was, he has listened.
He will need time to go through it all, to sort through his own feelings and thoughts. His mind is a jumbled mess that he can’t possibly decipher now.
Yet.
He knows one thing.
Jongin is wrong.
And stupid and idiotic and a fool for not saying these things before, for letting it get this far when Sehun could have set him straight so long ago.
It’s strange though, to see Jongin this way.
The man he remembers all of these years is not the one that is before him. Jongin in his mind is strong and confident. He is always the brightest star in the darkest of night, the one that guides Sehun home, the one that anchors him and reminds him where his home is even when it gets distant and blurred. No matter how hard it got, Sehun always trusted Jongin to be there for him, to be his lighthouse, his harbour in rough seas, his home.
Jongin may think he is a failure but Sehun sure as hell doesn’t think so.
Jongin is someone that he admires. He is a man that was able to take setbacks and run with it, to take each disappointment in stride and move forward. Jongin is his life.
He is just sorry that Jongin doesn’t see that.
He supposes though that some of it is his fault too.
In hindsight, now that it has been said, he does know that there were times when he neglected Jongin. Times when work was more important and took up all his time. Sehun however, always saw himself as working up to something. All those long hours toiling and striving was so that he and Jongin could have a comfortable life, that Jongin wouldn’t be stressed worrying about finances and their wellbeing whilst he worked on achieving his dreams.
It’s just part of mature life.
Something that Jongin really should have understood.
Then again, emotions are very scary things and Sehun is seeing the effects well.
He does see his own faults too, the things that he did or failed to do.
Yet.
Sehun refuses to accept all the blame.
He isn’t wrong to pursue his goals. He isn’t wrong to try to build a life for himself, a life that has and always will include Jongin.
No matter what Sehun did or didn’t do, that doesn’t excuse what Jongin did.
Sehun refuses to take blame for Jongin cheating. That is unfair and Sehun is not going to do it, even if that nagging self-depreciating voice, says that he must have contributed.
He knows he did.
He is not perfect. He knows he has done wrong too, but nothing justifies cheating on him.
Jongin could have come to him. He could have spoken to him about his fears and worries as he is doing now. That is how it should have been.
Sehun hates this so very much.
He strokes Jongin hair for minutes on end as he just thinks it all over, thinks about Jongin and what he means to him, what he feels and most importantly, what he deserves.
After a few very long tense minutes, Sehun finally speaks.
“I am not wrong for purposing my goals Jongin. I am not wrong for taking the opportunities that came to me” Sehun begins gently, but his words have force, he knows they do.
This is something that Sehun feels strongly on.
“You weren’t” Jongin confirms immediately.
“This is my fault Sehun ah”
“All of this is my fault”
“I am insecure and petty and I let other people control me, allow other people’s fears become mine and let myself be influenced. I trusted other people instead of trusting myself and you” Jongin says softly, still appreciating it the comfort given the fact that he makes no effort to move.
Kim Moonkyu.
Sehun will never forgive that bastard for this.
He knows its Jongin’s fault, but given those words, he knows Moonkyu is the one that helped make these fears larger than they were, that gave them renewed life.
Bastard really did take advantage of Jongin’s weakness.
Sehun will deal with him in due time.
For now, he tries his best to focus on his husband, and what he needs to say to him.
Needs for him to know.
“Why didn’t you just realize Jongin that were not only part of my plan, but you are my plan Kim Jongin?” Sehun explains with a miserable sound that might be a laugh but isn’t.
“Why could you see that everything I did, I did it for us?” Sehun questions almost rhetorically, letting out the pent up anger and frustration and sadness.
“You are my dream you fucking idiot!”
“How could you not know that?”
“I have been in love with you since I was sixteen years old Kim Jongin. You have been at my side all those years and I have been at yours and there has never been a single time when I didn’t want it so!” Sehun vents roughly, the words spilling from his lips angrily, rough and raw and finally being set into the light of day.
“You are my dream” Sehun says at a whisper, leaning down to press his cheek against Jongin’s hair, inhaling him.
“You and me and our family” Sehun cries at the words.
The thing he wanted the most.
“All I dreamt about was to finally start our family. All I want, more than anything else in this world, was to have a family with you”
“Why could you not have seen that?” Sehun questions in a heave that strains all his body.
“That new job…everything…was all so that I could achieve that ultimate goal.”
“I saw an opportunity and I took it”
“That new job meant financial security and more time at home, more time with you. I would be settled at our home with my husband and our child. What else could I have wanted?”
“That is my dream Jongin. My ultimate goal”
“To have a family with you”
“And now…I don’t know what I feel”
Sehun is forced to stop when he chokes on the emotion and has to hastily wipe his tears again, all the emotions like a tempest swirling inside him, all demanding attention and their chance to have a say and there is so much he is saddened about and angry. Unyielding anger that mixes with fear and it’s a mess.
“Sehunnie…I’m sorry” Jongin mumbles into Sehun’s pants, his tears wet against Sehun’s skin.
Sehun wants to comfort him, wants to wipe all his tears away and ease his heart ache, but this time Sehun’s mind pulses and his will is invigorated.
Despite his desperate desire to will all of this away, to wash this sadness away, he knows he can’t.
This is the one chance he will get to set things straight and if he and Jongin can ever have a chance of surviving this, any chance at all of saving their marriage he needs to be honest.
“Jongin” Sehun says, ensuring that Jongin knows he wants him to listen.
“I...”
The words are hard to get out though. He supposes it would have been foolish to expect any of this to ever be easy.
“I can’t be made to feel like a villain for pursuing my goals” Sehun says, trying not to sound accusatory or angry.
Though, truthfully it does annoy him a little that Jongin has these sort of thoughts. Sehun doesn’t think he should be punished for pursing his goals, for trying to build a career for himself. Especially after he has been so supportive of Jongin and his career. Relationships are two pronged. It’s give and take and Sehun thinks it’s fair to expect that much support.
“I did nothing wrong Jongin” Sehun makes clear.
He can’t budge on this point. He just can’t. This is something that Jongin must understand and be clear on. Sehun refuses to let himself be guilt tripped for being an adult, for making adult choices and building himself a career.
“I have a right to go after my goals…..to achieve the things I want…to build a career”
Sehun states firmly, even as falters under the weight of his brewing feelings, wanting so much to make this point, to have his husband understand this.
Sehun is proud of his life.
Proud of the things he has achieved, proud that he has grown so much as a person and now as a creative director. He refuses to let Jongin ruin that or take that away from him.
He loves Jongin, but that is one right he will never give to him.
“I am sorry if I neglected you at times”
Sehun genuinely is.
“Yet”
“You knew it too Jongin”
“That we would both have to make sacrifices to build the lives we wanted, to chase these goals”
“I have gone weeks without seeing you”
“Jongin”
“Weeks!”
“When you work on new choreos you disappear for weeks. I have to beg you to even let me into that stupid studio and then wait for hours just so you would just give me a look”
“I…”
“I am not wrong to expect the same understanding Jongin”
“I’m not!”
Jongin gives him a pained look.
“You aren’t”
“You never were”
Jongin says sadly before he presses his face against Sehun’s thigh again, swallowing whatever is caught in his throat as Sehun tiredly wipes his angry frustrated tears.
“I am the one that is wrong Sehun ah”
“I told you….there is something wrong with me”
“I am petty and jealous and so goddamn insecure!”
“I let it rule my life and make dumb choices”
“I am so sorry Sehun….sooo sorry”
Jongin cries softly as he tries to look at Sehun, pulling himself away from his thigh, pressing his hands against Sehun’s knees to hold himself at least upright as he says these things.
“I don’t even know why I felt that way….why I listened to others...”
“Why I was so fucking stupid!”
Jongin violently shakes his head, clearly mad at himself.
Sehun takes a breath, wipes his tears away and steals himself for this conversation, to say the words that Jongin needs to hear and that he needs to say. To make this clear between them.
Sehun reaches for Jongin’s face, stretches his hand outwards and thumbs a tear drop away, caressing his now smooth skin and lifting ever so gently that Jongin looks at him.
Meets his eyes and sees his sincerity with his own eyes.
“You have no reason to be jealous or insecure. No reason at all”
“I love you more than anything on this earth. I have since I was a teenager”
“You are my first love”
These are facts that cannot be strange to Jongin.
Or they shouldn’t.
“I would have done anything to be with you… to be at your side…where I belonged”
Sehun says and he can’t hide the sadness that taints his voice.
He wanted that once upon a time more than anything else.
“I have always been so proud of you”
“There has never been a time where I have not been”
Sehun says with a pull of his lips.
“I have never ever thought less of you for not being a famous dancer”
“To me, you were something even more special and precious than a famous performer”
“You were my husband, the man that did whatever it took to take care of us”
Sehun cries softly at these words, the endless stream of tears continuing down his cheeks.
“I admired you. Thought you were so brilliant and mature and sensible and amazing”
“You took every set back in stride, when I lose my mind”
“You built that goddamned studio from the ground up. All by yourself. You made something amazing from nothing. You turned it into a successful company with nothing but that wretched stubbornness of yours”
“You made it a place where others could find their dreams and a path for them to take. You give so many people opportunities to grow”
“How can I not be proud of you? Not be in awe of you?”
“Even if you aren’t some famous dancer or performer or whatever, you are a famous choreographer and just damn good at what you do”
“You have your own business and no matter what, you have done your best to provide us with comfort and security?”
“Why won’t you let me love that? Appreciate that?”
Jongin doesn’t answer. He just cries with Sehun.
They remain like that for minutes at end, softly crying together, Sehun wiping away at Jongin’s tears whilst his husband tries his best to do the same for him, Sehun finally giving in to his heart’s desires and pressing his forehead against Jongin’s and just breathing in him in.
He is miserable still.
Yet somehow the world doesn’t seem as if it is closing in on him with Jongin beside him, lending him his strength, sharing this burden with him.
Once Jongin is there, he will be okay.
It’ll all be okay.
“Can you ever forgive me?” Jongin finally breaks the silence, his words ultra-soft, barely above a whisper, his eyes closed, perhaps not wanting to see a rejection on Sehun’s features before the words come.
Sehun exhales, prolongs the torturous wait for a minute well.
He wants to be sure of this. Wants not only to be honest with Jongin, but honest with himself.
“I….”
Sehun trails off, his mind still waring with his heart, these words not simply words, but a promise to move forward, the basis on which they will live their lives from now on.
“With time….”
“I think I can…in time”
Sehun breathes the words out and instantly he feels lighter, drawing comfort from Jongin’s presence, from the way he exhales in relief and his lips tug just a little bit, the first sign of happiness from him since Sehun returned home the day prior.
Then he frowns.
“Time” he mumbles to himself.
“I understand” he says after a few seconds of thought.
“Take as much time as you need” he invites and Sehun ignores the need to roll his eyes.
Of course Sehun would.
It is not as if Jongin could rush him, but he lets it go as Jongin seems to be in his own thoughts, lost in his own mind, though he makes no attempt to move himself as Sehun’s resting place, Sehun’s cheek at the side of his temple and he holds him up.
“I am just grateful that you are willing to speak to me….so thankful” Jongin says weakly.
“I’m sorry Sehun”
“I really am”
Jongin repeats with that tinge of desperation.
“I know you are” Sehun concedes.
He does believe Jongin when he says that. Jongin genuinely regrets it, wishes to take it back, to never have hurt Sehun.
Sehun knows all that to be true.
It’s just a shame that sorry can’t take the pain away.
After a silent moment, lost in his own thoughts as well, Sehun finally comes to a real decision.
Except.
He knew since he turned that key to enter into this house what his decision was.
“We can start over”
“From scratch”
Sehun states knocking his head against Jongin’s, or that was the intention before Jongin pulls away abruptly.
“What do you mean?” he questions in clear confusion.
Its painfully cute, Sehun’s heart still fluttering after so many years.
“Our relationship” Sehun explains slowly, Jongin looking especially disoriented.
“We can start over” Sehun says with some anticipation sneaking through.
Jongin doesn’t react the way he thought he would. He figured the least he would get is a smile or some measure of happiness that Sehun wanted to continue being involved in his life.
“As friends?” Jongin questions timidly.
Sehun frowns at him.
“Is that what you want?”
“Of course not!” Jongin says animatedly, the most life he has shown for the duration of the conversation, but then he looks away, lowering his head.
“But….”
“I know you are with Tao now and whilst it hurts like fucking hell and driving me crazy, I am going to respect that” Jongin speaks subdued, hiding his eyes from Sehun’s and just trying to get it all out.
“I want you to be happy” this is the only time he chances a glance at Sehun’s eyes.
“I don’t have the right to interfere in your life anymore”
“If you want to be with someone else, then I just need to be mature enough to accept the consequences of my actions and know that I don’t have the rights to say otherwise or make a fuss”
“I am the cause of this”
“Joonie hyung and Taemin ah says that I have to accept that now, since I was the asshole that hurt the person I loved most because of my stupidity”
“It’ll be hard, but …really….”
“I will leave you alone if that is what will make you happy”
“I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me”
“The least I could do for you….the very least”
Jongin so fucking earnest as he glances up at Sehun and tries to fake a smile that makes Sehun’s heart cry and his chest burn.
This jackass!
He is so painfully sweet and lovable sometimes, but also, entirely ridiculous and aggravating.
What the fuck is he talking about?
“Tao?”
“What the fuck are you talking about? Tao? What?”
“Aren’t you dating Tao now?” Jongin says with a look that is part confusing and resentment, likely linked to the fact that Sehun is making him say those words again.
“I meet him a few of weeks ago. He said that you guys were dating now and that you wanted to move on finally from you’re lying cheating husband” Jongin recalls in annoyance that deflates with the help of his self-loathing.
“I wanted to punch the prick, but I restrained myself”
“….I’m not really anything better than he said anyway” Jongin mumbles the last part, looking away again, and his expression small and depreciating.
Sehun barks a weak unnatural laugh.
Guess that explains why he started drinking so heavily and why everyone seems to think he is seeing someone else.
Jongin looks at him with a glare he can’t hide before the crippling shame and guilt makes him look away again.
Sehun reaches his hand out once more to touch the tied locks.
“No Jongin, I am not dating Tao”
That gets Jongin’s immediate attention.
“I am not dating anyone at all” Sehun makes clear.
Well….Jongdae, but they were friends and no really anything more.
Jongin looks as if Sehun is saving him, his expression happy and uncertain, not sure he is not just imaging it probably.
Sehun just nods in confirmation.
“I am not really good at this moving on thing for some reason”
Jongin actually pulls his lips in what could be a poor man’s smile at those words. Which is why Sehun feels a little bad for what he is about to say next.
“Even so, I do want to start as friends”
“Oh” Jongin deflates.
“We can see how it goes from there” Sehun pacifies in response.
He thinks maybe he should properly explain himself to Jongin so that he understands what Sehun really wants. Communication is something that they need to work on and now is a good starting point as any. Sehun thought long and hard about his life and what has happened and what he feels about Jongin and what he can and cannot live without.
He honestly thinks this is the best decision.
“I want to start from the beginning”
“That way it’s all new”
Jongin’s eyes are wide and he listens intently, a little sparkle in his eyes lets Sehun know that he finally understands what Sehun is getting had.
Which is also another reason why Sehun needs to make this abundantly clear.
Sehun is not just willing to jump back into things. He has been hurt too much. He needs time to heal and whilst he is willing to give this a chance, it remains exactly that, simply a chance.
“No bad memories or ill will…but at the same time, there are no good memories either”
“You understand that Jongin? From the beginning”
“You are going to have to convince me that it is a good idea to be with someone like you” Sehun laughs a small little laugh to himself with how wide Jongin’s eyes are, how he looks like a puppy, torn between happiness and apprehension, excited and terrified all at the same time.
“We can date” Sehun suggests with a little teasing.
“You can buy me bubble tea and take me to see cheesy b flicks like you used to” Sehun reminisces despite being the one that says that they should start a fresh, the happy memory turning to sadness when he recognizes for the millionth time how much has changed since they were eighteen and Sehun thought they would be in love and happy together for all of time.
Seems he isn’t the only one.
Jongin smiles a broken smile before he reaches for Sehun’s hands, meeting his eyes only for a second before he looks way, embarrassed to appear before Sehun in this state, after having hurt him so much, for being so unworthy of his attention and love.
“I stopped doing that didn’t I? Buying you bubble tea” Jongin says with regret.
“God! Sehun”
“I am so sorry”
“I have been such a bad husband to you. I can never say sorry enough…I-“
Jongin apologizes desperately, squeezing Sehun’s hand in his as he works up the courage to stare into his eyes, to beg for forgiveness once more.
Sehun interrupts immediately.
“Stop that!” Sehun directs.
“Stop apologising”
“I don’t want to hear any more apologies. They claw at my skin and reminds me of all the things that I want to move on from, to forget”
“All I want now going forward is to feel your love”
“I want to love you and trust you. I want to feel your love and your commitment to me, to us and our marriage”
“Stop telling me you’re sorry”
“Show me those things”
Sehun advises genuinely.
That is all he wants now.
He is tired of apologies. They don’t heal his wounds. He knows Jongin is sorry, that he regrets it all but at the end of the day, the words don’t help Sehun in any way moving forward. It doesn’t help him forget that Jongin had been unfaithful, that Jongin had hurt him so much.
The only thing that will do that is being showered in Jongin’s love, to feel the intensity of it, to see Jongin work hard to build Sehun’s trust in him again, to see him work hard at their marriage, to show Sehun how committed he is to him and the marriage that Sehun is trying to save.
That is what he wants, not an apology.
Talk is cheap anyhow.
Jongin nods as he takes in all the words as if they are law.
“We will have to go to marriage counselling though” Sehun states and looks to Jongin for confirmation.
Sehun is going to take positive steps to fix his marriage. He is not just going to sit there and hope it works out for the best. This is going to take work and he is ready for that.
However, does Jongin share that view?
“Anything you want” Jongin accepts instantly.
Sehun glares at him with a measure of anger.
“No Jongin” Sehun says sharply.
“Not anything I want”
“You are not going to do it because I want it, but because you want to” Sehun makes very clear.
“You are going to do it because you want to work on these issues we have discussed today and find solutions for them. You are going to do it because you want to resolve all our issues so that they never bother us again”
“I want to do the same thing”
“I want to work on my own issues”
“Marriage takes two. Problems are never one sided”
Sehun explains with some passion. This is something that he believes in. It would be useless if Jongin is just doing it to please him. That will defeat the purposes of it. Clearly there are issues in their own lives and personalities and their marriage. They are not just going to disappear. They have to work on them, together and with real purpose. Jongin just accepting has no value. He has to want it to, to trust that this will help and give his best effort.
This is something that they must embrace whole heartedly and jointly.
It will never work if Jongin is not just as interested as he is, so it is imperative that this is made very clear to Jongin. Sehun doesn’t think it makes sense to try if Jongin is not going there whole heartedly.
“I want to” Jongin assures with genuine willingness.
“I want to do it, to make it work” Jongin makes clear, pleading with his eyes for Sehun to believe him.
Sehun does.
He can see it in his eyes. Jongin is not really one for false promises and he at least trusts Jongin to give his best when he says he will, especially since it’s clear that Jongin is just as determined as he is to saving this marriage.
He will just have to see how it goes.
And with that in mind, he has a few more things he wants to agree upon, to put out there so that Jongin knows what Sehun has in mind, what he is working towards and wants Jongin to be part of.
He thinks this is very necessary.
“I want us to talk about things from now on Jongin” Sehun says as he has Jongin’s undivided attention.
Jongin listens carefully.
“I want us to talk about things like we used to, like we did when we were teenagers” Sehun wishes, looking at Jongin, a question hanging between them.
How did that stop and why did they let it carry on for so long?
“I want us to talk about things no matter how petty or embarrassing or hurtful. If its things that we need to share with each other, then we have to do it Jongin” Sehun says as he touches Jongin’s hair again, wanting him to understand all this.
“We just stopped talking to each other and I don’t know why” Sehun sighs.
Really.
He and Jongin could talk about anything under the sun and after a while, they just stopped, especially in the last few months before their separation. Sehun just got so caught up in his life and issues and too tired to breath much less talk, it all just got away from him.
He hates it though.
He wants to be able to talk to his husband like he used to, like he should do with his best friend, who Jongin is to this very day. His best friend.
“We used to tell each other everything, no matter how small and inconsequential it was”
“Somehow we got caught up in our own things and other people and we just seemed to forget that we have each other, that we could tell each other anything”
“I want that again, Jongin”
“I want that very much”
Sehun requests and Jongin nods in agreement, in a silent promise.
“And honestly….”
“If we just talked to each other, if we shared our feelings better, especially emotional things like this, then maybe, then this may not have ever happened.”
“Maybe we won’t have these misunderstandings again” Sehun points out and Jongin takes it in devoutly, clearly wanting to please him, to make this right.
“I want you to be honest with me Jongin”
“I want you to tell me when something is wrong”
“Tell me so that I can knock some sense into you before you go do stupid unforgivable things.”
Sehun wants this so very much.
If Jongin had just come to him, shared his thoughts and feelings and worries then Sehun would have done everything to make sure Jongin knew how much he loved him. Sehun needed for that point to be made, for it to be understood.
“I will”
“I won’t ever hurt you again” Jongin states earnestly, previously just nodding along to Sehun’s words, taking them in.
“I promise”
Sehun makes a disbelieving sound before he coughs it away and rolls his eyes.
That is a promise no one can ever be sure about, but he is sweet to say it.
Sehun thinks maybe this can work after all.
“Also…”
This part he is hesitant to say, but he knows that he must let it all be out in the open so that Jongin knows what to expect, that he won’t have unrealistic expectations.
This is not going to be an easy fix and that is something that they must both recognize.
Sehun is willing to give this a chance. It’s simply that, a chance. Things aren’t back to the way they were. They can’t just pick up where they left off. Even now Sehun feels uncomfortable in this house and even with Jongin.
What they had is no more.
It’s time to build something new.
Brick by brick. One step at a time.
“I am not going to be moving back here” Sehun says honestly.
Jongin looks likely to protest but thinks better of it and just nods in acceptance, his disappointment and sadness clear.
“At least not until I feel ready for that….until I feel I can live with you again” Sehun continues, part of him still wanting to comfort Jongin.
It’s not as if he never intends to live as Jongin’s husband, in a home with him, ever again. It’s just that he wants to take the time to ease into it, to let it come at the time it needs to come, when he builds trust again.
If it ever happens of course.
“I will continue to live with Luhannie hyung” Sehun informs.
He thinks that is for the best. He needs the support. Luhan is his rock right now and he just doesn’t think he can take these troublesome potentially perilous steps without him at his side.
Jongin scowls.
“Do you have to live with him?” Jongin questions rather bravely all things considered.
“He hates me!” He complains.
“He nearly bashed my head in last time I was there and he always calls the police”
“He hates me!” Jongin continues his complaints, giving Sehun a pleading look, probably hoping Sehun changes his mind.
“He even hated me when we dated in college”
Hate is a strong word.
More like a justified dislike, or so Luhan says.
“Please Sehunnie”
“Not with him” Jongin begs, hands on his knees, in total submission.
Luhan is quite scary, Sehun admits.
“You have him a reason to hate you, didn’t you?” Sehun responds, accusatory glare well in place.
Jongin really shouldn’t be complaining at all. He is lucky Luhan hasn’t murder him as yet to be very honest. Jongin should have expected that much at the very least.
“And would you prefer I lived with Tao? He has offered the same on numerous occasions”
Sehun questions with a look.
Jongin shakes his head frantically.
“NO!”
“I mean...”
“Luhan hyung is perfect! Don’t ever leave him” Jongin insists in complete about turn, very enthusiastic about Sehun living with his brother all of a sudden.
“Stay with that overprotective psychopath forever” he mumbles under his breath and Sehun shakes his head, biting back an amused smile.
“Thought so”
Jongin scowls but then changes his mind and frowns to himself.
Sehun does giggle just a little bit.
“Also…”
“I don’t think I can live in this house at all actually” Sehun confesses as he looks around.
He has great memories here, but it really is not the same. This house sort of haunts him now. All his bad memories are locked into the walls of this house. They have seen his happiness and his sorrow, but what Sehun doesn’t say is that he fears they have seen even more.
Perhaps they have seen his husband have sex with someone else in these same rooms.
The mere idea makes Sehun queasy and uncomfortable.
“If… well…that is something we can worry about later I guess…if things go well”
Sehun supposes time will tell if it matters at all.
For now he just doesn’t feel comfortable here.
“I..” Jongin looks panicked instantly.
Seems he caught on to what Sehun is thinking about and had vaguely eluded to.
“I never…we never” Jongin stutters.
“This is your home…our home…I could never”
“I didn’t …..” Jongin falls over himself trying to make that clear.
Sehun believes him.
“I ...” Sehun begins but stops.
This is hard to even think about much less say.
“One day….when we are strong enough, we will talk about that”
“I can’t for a while…it hurts me a lot….but I do think we will need to do this before we continue”
“We have to be honest and open about it and share our feelings.”
Sehun knows this to be a fact. They can’t have a chance of moving forward if they don’t address the past. They need to bury those demons and learn and grow from it, not avoid it.
Sehun knows it’s going to hurt like fucking hell, but it’s not as if he is doing himself a favour if he runs from it. He needs to face it head on and deal with it once and for all no matter how much it hurts. He needs his answers so that he doesn’t torture himself with wondering. The truth sets you free they say and Sehun wants to be set free of that uncertainty and doubt, that constant wondering about what it was that sent his husband to the bed of another man.
“In a while…”
He just can’t do it now though.
He is much too hurt now and he and Jongin are as fragile as they can possibility be together. They need to heal their bonds and their ties and their hearts before they open gashing seeping poisonous wounds.
“I will tell you anything you want” Jongin promises, though he looks terrified.
Sehun definitely understands that.
Especially since he feels the exact same way.
“….I’m sorry Sehun” Jongin says sadly, shame and regret colouring his features again.
Sehun frowns at him for a second before makes a decision and a move.
Slowly he reaches a hand out to Jongin. Firstly he caresses his face, Jongin’s teary eyes looking at him deeply. Sehun brushes at the skin faintly before he falls away. Jongin looks even more saddened by the broken touch, only for his eyes to go wide when Sehun reaches a hand out and grabs at his wrist and tugs.
“Stand up Jongin” Sehun says softly.
“Sehun…” Jongin breathes, whatever composure he had falling away as the emotions catch up with him.
He makes Sehun’s composure fade as well.
Sehun ignores the soft tears streaming down his face as he repeats his words.
“Stand up Jongin. Get off your knees” Sehun directs as he tugs on Jongin’s hands.
“I’m so sorry Sehun” Jongin just apologizes some more.
Sehun finds it painful now more than ever.
He doesn’t want any more apologies. He wants to move on, with his husband. He wants to let the past be exactly that. He wants to take the lessons and the experiences and the maturity and leave everything else where it is.
He wants to move forward now. That is all.
“Move Jongin” Sehun directs once more as he begins to stand, dragging Jongin with him.
He tugs forcibly to get Jongin to respond, his husband giving him a weak whimpering look before he finally does as is being asked of him, slowly raising.
Until he stumbles, his legs too numb and stiff to take his weight.
Sehun however is right there, as he has always been and hopefully will always be, for him to lean on. He wraps a steady hand around his waist and holds him upright, Jongin back into that sad regretful place, looking at Sehun as if he is an angel on the earth, silent tears flowing from his eyes.
Sehun however doesn’t look at him. Instead he takes a step and then another and deposits Jongin and the chair next to his, the one Jongin once occupied.
Jongin falls into it stiffly, his legs too weak still.
He doesn’t relax however, still afraid that Sehun is going to abandon him, eyes terrified.
Before he can say anything though Sehun does what he has been wanting to do for months. Slowly, ever so slowly he approaches his husband and then slides onto his lap.
As if on instinct his body just knows what to do, sliding right into place.
Jongin seems shocked but it doesn’t take long for him to shift to accommodate Sehun’s weight and new position, Sehun shifting until he is nestled right against his husband’s shoulder, Jongin’s arms tentatively holding him in place.
Sehun breathes deeply and closes his eyes.
How he has missed this.
They stay like that for a few quiet sniffle filled minutes. Sehun inhaling his husband, sinking into the heat of him, the feel of him, the weight of his hand on Sehun’s back, the other at had slowly made its way upwards, until Jongin is carefully caressing his waist, fingers warm against his skin. He feels Jongin’s wet tears as he bends to bury his head in Sehun’s throat, his husband doing the same thing he is doing, savouring this strange but familiar feeling. Burying themselves in each’s warmth and scents, inhaling the thing that they had both missed, relishing in what they needed.
Sehun’s mind drifts and after a very long time, Sehun thinks he has found peace.
This is home.
Sehun is finally home.
“We will work on this Jongin” Sehun says softly, the words like vows between them.
“We will talk and grow and …heal” Sehun informs with deep feeling.
“Slowly…taking one day at a time, we will work on this”
“Work at it until I can trust you again, until I am comfortable with you again”
“Until….you no longer doubt my love and commitment to you and this relationship, until you understand that I have no regrets about being with. Until you get it through that stupid head of yours that you are an amazing wonderful person that still takes my breath away” Sehun promises with all his heart, his eyes closes and his breathes shallow.
This is his new goal, his next aspiration.
Come hell or high water, Sehun achieves his goal.
Jongin better be ready.
Yet.
“I don’t know if we will succeed but I hope we do. With all my heart”
“This is not a guarantee however”
“As much as I want to, I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust you again”
“I promise to try though”
“Is that enough for you?”
Sehun thinks it must be said. He loves Jongin with all his heart, but his original position still remains. He can’t be in a marriage where there is no trust and trust is not just something that you can create at will. It takes work and effort and genuine feeling and is nearly impossible to recreate once broken.
Sehun is willing to try his best.
He doesn’t know if that is enough, but that is all he can offer for now.
Before he can commit entirely to Jongin and their marriage, he needs to trust his husband. He is willing to give him the opportunity to earn that trust again.
Is that enough for Jongin though?
“Yes”
“It’s more than I even hoped for” Jongin says in gratitude, pressing his lips against Sehun’s throat.
Sehun tenses only for a split second before he lets it pass.
Things like that still feel weird, but part of him misses it, longs for it. All of it will be a new adjustment, dealing with the conflicting feelings, with the hurt and trying to put it behind him.
It will be hard, but Sehun is willing to give a try.
To take a chance for the love of his life.
It’s the very least he can do really.
“I promise you won’t regret it Sehun. I promise!” Jongin thanks him breathily, his voice so filled with emotion that it seems as it the words are being branded into Sehun’s consciousness.
“Thank you Sehun”
“Thank you for giving us a chance”
Jongin breathes in gratitude.
Strong unfailing Jongin.
He will never be able to thank Sehun enough for even considering it, much less giving him this chance.
“You will trust me again Sehun. I promise”
Sehun’s want to believe him so very much.
“Jongin…”
“There will be no more chances after this”
Sehun is sorry to be so negative, especially in this healing moment, but he has to say it.
That was the basis of this decision.
One single chance.
His mind could give way to his heart only this once.
He can’t not be hurt that way again. He is sure he simply will not survive it.
Sehun loves Jongin, but that does not mean he is a glutton for punishment.
For his soulmate, the love of his life, his essence….he can take this chance.
It’s only available one single time.
He hopes Jongin uses it well for both of their sakes.
“I can only take this risk once”
“I won’t do it again….I can’t….it will hurt too much” Sehun trails off.
And then he breathes against the warm skin of his husband’s shoulder.
“I just thought you should know that”
Jongin needs to never forget that. Sehun cannot do this again. He will not.
“I know” Jongin says.
“I won’t ever need one again” Jongin assures with all the conviction that he can muster.
“I won’t ever hurt you or myself this way again” Jongin vows with such intensity that Sehun can’t help but trust in him, to believe him.
“I love you Jongin”
“No matter what happens, that will never change. Just remember that”
Sehun reminds softly, his voice breaking a little at the feeling, nuzzling against the side of Jongin’s head like a kitten.
God!
How has Sehun survived these long months without Jongin’s presence?
“I love you too”
“So so much” Jongin responds thickly.
The words tug at Sehun’s heart and sends shivers along Sehun’s spine, igniting every single nerve in his body.
This is his husband, the man he loves, the one he will spend his life with.
Hopefully forever.
It will be hard. Sehun doesn’t have any doubt about that. None at all.
Sehun however knows that his love is strong and so is Jongin’s. He can’t help the hope that brims in his heart and the desire to stay right where he is.
Where he belongs.
In Jongin’s arms and in his heart.
Sehun’s eyes flutter closed for a second before Jongin turns and presses his lips against his, soft and chaste and beautiful, caressing his gently and filled with love even as their drying tears mar the taste of it.
When they do break away, Sehun is a little dazed, his heart thumping in his chest and his body in a delicious calming sort of pulse.
Jongin smiles at him, a real smile, in what feels like a lifetime.
Sehun can’t help but smile back.
Then he smacks at Jongin’s shoulder.
“You can’t do things like that!” Sehun scolds lightly.
Jongin lifts an eyebrow.
“We are starting over….from scratch”
“We can’t do things like that”
Sehun informs rather sternly.
He meant it when he said they would be starting over.
He intends to very stringent in that regard.
Despite this closeness he does feel a little uncomfortable, his mind still fighting with the demons, trying to compartmentalize the hurt and not let it rule his thoughts and actions.
It doesn’t just disappear after some loving words and an intense conversation.
The pain and the betrayal is real and it is not just going to go away.
They don’t fall back into place like it once was. It can’t be that way.
He meant it when he said that Jongin would have to convince him that he is worth trusting, worth being with, worth being the person Sehun should spend his life with, to create his dreams with, to raise his family with. He loves Jongin. Loves him with his whole heart, but sometimes love is just not enough. Love without trust will never truly work out. Time. Everything will take time.
This is just the first step not the last.
This is the beginning of a new journey and Sehun intends to treat it exactly like that.
Sehun expects dates and bubble tea and talking and getting to know each other again, all from the beginning.
He hopes Jongin understands that too. He needs him to not only understand but want the same thing. It will be hard if they are not on the same page.
He misses Jongin.
His Jongin.
Yet, he has come to realize that the Jongin he thought he was in love with may not exactly exist, or maybe he never existed. Maybe he is the person Sehun created in his mind at fifteen years old, the strong infallible and perfect angel, the one that is never weak, never insecure.
Sehun wants the chance to fall in love with this Jongin too.
The one that makes mistakes, the one that feels insecure and uncertain, that needs reassurances and tender care.
Sehun wants to give this a try.
Falling in love with Jongin again. This new Jongin.
“So I can’t kiss you?” Jongin questions almost disbelievingly.
“Nope”
“We are starting over” Sehun informs.
Sehun is a little hesitant about intimacy to be honest. He is still a little uncomfortable with Jongin’s touch, his mind still lodged with those poisonous visions.
He thinks though, that with time he can get over it.
With time.
He finds that he is comfortable here in Jongin’s arms, with his scent in his nostrils and warmth merging with his. It seems that given the right emotion, he can feel comfortable and he thinks that is a positive sign.
Small steps and they will be there.
This is a long journey after all. He reminds himself once more that it will not be easy but the reward at the end will make it all worth it.
Jongin is worth it.
This marriage is worth it.
This family is worth it.
It will be a tough time though. Jongin is still so fucking attractive it hurts. Especially since it’s been such a long time since Sehun has been intimate with any one at all. He won’t even bother to lie. He misses his husband’s touch desperately. Yet, he doesn’t want to rush it, to rush the intimacy and then freak out in the middle when his mind pops up with a thought of Jongin touching someone else intimately. He knows that will hurt Jongin and set the healing process make. The rush will hurt them more in the long run.
It’s better to ease into it all.
No matter how much his libido will hate him for it.
“Then I can do a lot more than kiss you” Jongin says nearly boyishly, eyes shining in mischief despite the tears drying on his cheeks.
Sehun gives him a strange look.
What?
Did Jongin misunderstand what he just said?
“Did you forget?”
“You put out on our first date” Jongin snickers.
Oh my fucking god!
Sehun can’t believe he thought being with this asshole was a good idea.
“Kim Jongin!”
“Don’t say it like that!” Sehun scolds properly now, his cheeks reddening for some dumb reason.
What?
Sehun had waited what is practically a lifetime for a horny lovelorn teenager. And honestly, they had been friends for so long that their first official date was years into an already almost functional domestic type relationship. Their first official date was weeks after their confessions of love, not just Jongin asking him out.
He figures that was pretty special and iconic.
And really, did you expect him to wait anymore? He was claiming what was his!
Jongin just laughs that charming way of his that Sehun hadn’t heard in what felt like a lifetime.
Jongin reaches for his face and tugs him down into a kiss.
Sehun is minded to dig his teeth into the plumb flesh but leaves it be when his heart hums in his chest and his body thrums in that familiar satisfaction.
“I love you” Jongin says against his lips, warm and sweet and heartfelt.
“I love you too” Sehun responds just the same way, deep and meaningful.
And then he does sink his teeth into his husband’s soft lip.
Jongin pulls away with a groan.
“That is what you get for not listening” Sehun chastises but he can’t help the smile tugging at his lips.
Maybe this starting from scratch might be a little harder than he anticipated when Jongin kisses him as he is the world and makes Sehun’s heart tremble and his stomach twist in precious butterflies, just as it did when Sehun was a teenager and will probably do when Sehun is old and bordering on senile.
He misses this so much.
He is just sorry that the hurt still finds a way to tug at his chest.
In time maybe that will change.
Sehun prays that it does.
“Sehun!” Jongin whines, reaching a hand upwards to check his lip for a bleed.
There is none.
He still makes a show of it and Sehun hates how the cuteness melts his heart.
Even after all of this, all the hurt and suffering, such small things can still have such an affect him so much.
This man.
Damn this man.
The things Kim Jongin does to his heart.
Sehun can’t help but lean forward and press a soothing kiss to his husband’s lips.
This feels nice.
It really does.
Sehun hums against Jongin’s lips and ignores the way that Jongin clutches at his side desperately, thumping at the soft skin of his waist, likely to bruise. The kiss remains as gentle and non-evasive as possible, the awkwardness and the hurt still there, unwilling to just fall away, but the warmth is strong and so are the feelings in their heart.
“God!” Jongin breathes against Sehun’s lips, his hand coming to tangle in Sehun’s hair, still delicate and tender.
“I love you so much Sehun” Jongin insists, pressing his lips against Sehun’s cheek, then resting his forehead against his.
“I know” Sehun says as he shifts away until he and Jongin are forehead to forehead.
“I love you too” Sehun reiterates, these desperate confessions offering some healing of their own.
Sehun just breathes his husband in for a second, lets his heart thumb in his chest and the blood flow through his veins.
Jongin is here.
He is here in this moment with Kim Jongin.
There is something in him that just feels whole again. It fits into place in that gaping hole that seems to have opened up and sets itself down to be sealed again. The cracks are there still, waiting to be sealed, to be mended and recovered and worked on until it’s seamless again.
Something that will take time and effort.
Sehun isn’t afraid though. He is whole again. The pieces are all in place. He just needs to lock them back and seal tightly so it never leaves again.
Then he will be complete, be whole.
Sehun can do it.
No.
They can do this. He and Jongin both.
“We’ll get through this Jonginnie”
“Somehow we will”
Sehun finds himself whispering, a pray that they share with their whole hearts.
He knows rationally that it is impossible to make that a promise.
The hurt is a lot and the consequences are far and wide. It’s not an easy fix and harder to live with every single day, but he finds that he has faith.
He has Jongin with him and somehow that means that somehow or the other things will work out.
It always has and always will.
Sehun finds that he is willing to have some faith.
“I…” Jongin begins and pauses.
“We will” Jongin affirms with so much intensity that it seems to burn into Sehun’s flesh.
Kim Jongin is determined about something, is insistent and stubborn.
Sehun’s faith is strengthened instantly.
Jongin presses his lips against his chastely and Sehun’s heart hums in this warm soothing feeling.
They stare into each other’s eyes for a minute more, sealing a promise between been two bodies, two hearts, two minds and one soul.
Sehun reaches for Jongin’s hand, linking their fingers before he presses his lips to their linked hands, sharing this quiet intimacy with his husband, the man he wants to be with forever, the one that he prays will be at his side for all his life, the one he prays will never bring him hurt again.
This is a long road and Sehun will take each and every step, once Jongin is going to take it with him.
Maybe at the end of the road, they will still be holding hands.
That is Sehun’s only wish, on this journey that is life.
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