Luhan says he should try to move on.
Sehun doesn’t disagree.
Except.
Sehun is just coping right now he thinks.
He sleeps in Luhan’s guest bedroom, though Luhan always refers to it as Sehun’s bedroom. Sehun supposes he should think of it the same way too. Before it was just temporary. Or at least in his mind he has come to realize, it had always been just temporary. This wasn’t home.
Home was with Jongin.
It was just an extended period of time of being there. He was just mad at Jongin and eventually, just like always, Jongin would bring him bubble tea and they would apologize to each other and he would go home. Home, where he belonged. With his husband, with the person he loved, the person he would spend his life with, raise his family with, and grow old with.
That is not so anymore.
That very thought makes Sehun cry for two days.
Luhan just comforts as best as he can. Sehun knows he is holding back, swallowing his words and his curses and his advice, just burying it all so that he could be the anchor to Sehun’s world as he has always been and Sehun hopes, will always be.
He supposes each day, its Luhan’s presence alone that gets him through it all, as whole as possible. It’s Luhan that drags him out of bed after the first two days and makes him shower and eat and put on his big boy clothes and go to work.
And then it’s Yifan that looks at him with sad eyes and compassion and care and guides him through the day as best as he can.
It’s made easier when Jongin stops coming by.
He had stayed away for a few days, giving Sehun space probably. He was unable to leave it alone for too long. He’s stubborn. Has always been and Sehun supposes, will always be. Or who knows. Maybe one day he will change. Sehun once thought Jongin would be faithful until the end of time.
He was wrong then.
Who knows what else he is wrong about?
He is given proof of this when Jongin does in fact stop trying to see him.
Though it might have something to do with Luhan reporting him to the police as a stalker [Sehun made him withdraw the claim when they issued a warrant for his arrest]. And it is probably linked to the time Sehun pulled all the bravado he could to meet with him outside.
“Leave”
“Please…just leave”
“If you ever loved me….leave”
“Let me keep the good memories. Let me remember you as the man I loved…not the one that only causes me heartache”
The conversation still replays in his mind sometimes. The way Jongin looked as broken as Sehun felt.
He left then and he had not tried to see Sehun since. Sehun misses him even more.
There are messages. Sehun does not read them. Though he would see them in his notifications, or at least snippets and spend moments in sorrow and loss.
He tries his best to exist as calmly as possible.
He gets up and goes to work. He thinks it good that he is “carved from marble” as some of the articles have described him. He always looks blank and aloof. It made him so successful as a model. Now it hides the tempest that rages in his heart. Hopefully until the day he finally just becomes numb to it all.
Until he is no longer just marble on the outside but the inside too.
He is tired of crying himself to sleep every night on sheets too clean and too soft. Sheets that don’t smell like his husband, on a bed that is too big and lonely, in a room that is the wrong colour and in the wrong layout, a place that is not really his home. Luhan offers to sleep with him. Sehun does not take him up on it. He doesn’t want to inconvenience his brother in law [He thinks of Yifan that way no matter what Luhan says] any more than he already has. Luhan however is not someone that he can deter. Even when he sleeps in his own bed, Luhan crawls in with him.
Sehun hates to admit it, but he is glad someone is there in the darkness with him.
Eventually with time he heals or he pretends that he is healing.
He convinces Luhan he can sleep by his lonesome, and he does, when he is so exhausted he can’t possibly keep his eyes open. He works horribly long hours so he doesn’t have to think about his life. Throws himself into his work like his life depends on it and works himself to death.
It works for a while honestly.
All he can focus on is his first issue, his first concepts and designs and ideas and layout and then it’s his second and his third and he works and works.
Anything to stop himself from thinking of the husband that he is missing when he shouldn’t be and the messages that he shouldn’t read but is desperately wanting to.
He copes.
As best as he knows how.
Sometimes though, he cries himself to sleep. Cries for the things he had and the things he lost, the things he would have had if the fates were kinder, if his husband had not broken their lives apart.
Sometimes he lies in bed and listens to Luhan and Yifan bicker annoyingly loudly over the remote or the snacks or who gets to decide what they eat for dinner or what drama they watch or take the piss out of each other over football teams and who has to buy them drinks.
It makes him smile.
He remembers the good days when he and Jongin did that, remembers lounging on his husband as he tried to watch his precious Chelsea, teasing him about the bad play and the awful season and kissing his complaints and comments away.
He remembers the warmth of his caramel skin and the silkiness of his hands, the light of his smile, and most importantly, he remembers that feeling in his chest, that one where Sehun thinks he could spend his entire life that exact same way and he would never have a single regret.
Sehun cries silently in the dark.
He stares into the fancy ceiling that is nothing like his, nothing like the one at his home with Jongin and cries into the darkness of the night. Cries for the life he had and the life he can’t have any more.
That day he had wanted to talk about surrogacy. Finally starting that family.
Sehun and Jongin and their family, their child.
Now it’s all gone.
Luhan sees him in the morning and gives him a knowing look. His eyes are swollen and red and it’s clear he hasn’t slept. It’s the wrong bed in the wrong house in the wrong reality. Luhan doesn’t say anything anymore. He doesn’t prod or provoke or rant. He takes Sehun’s hands and simply promises that it will be okay.
Yifan does the same thing when an intern suggests that he use Kim Jongin for their shoot on modern dance. He lets Sehun press himself into his chest and cry into his too nice shirt. Holds him close until the tears dry up and the hurt is at least protected from over exposure.
He tries his best to carry on.
It’s what he knows. It’s what must be done.
Sehun takes on some modelling work, last minute favours to old friends and designers. Yifan encourages him .He thinks Sehun is expanding the reach of the magazine, and importantly he thinks Sehun is moving on.
Sehun is simply just running away, away from his thoughts and fears and hurt and anger.
Out of sight doesn’t necessarily mean out of mind.
He meets Tao in a shoot in Malaysia, an oriental twist they had said when they sent him the proposal.
Old friends and colleagues. He had been on the circuit with Tao for years. One of his best friends over the years in the industry, but one he has not seen in a long time.
Since his…sep-[he can’t bring himself to think it] his time away from his husband, he can’t really say he has been very sociable. His is a cloud of negative energy and downtrodden survival and nothing more.
It’s nice to catch up. Nice to talk about the good days and the happy times, good to meet a friend to share it with, until Toa asks when Sehun intends to divorce his husband, if he has made adequate provisions.
Seems the news of Sehun’s marital troubles have made it to the circuit as well.
Divorce?
Sehun locks himself in his hotel room and the stylist quits the next day when she see the state of his face, the blotchy redness and pure misery.
She can’t even begin to hide that way. Not enough concealer in the world her assistant speaks to no one. Sehun agrees entirely. You can’t hide something that seems to seep through his pours, a river that flows from within that will never run dry, all of it dark and miserable and wretched.
How did he go from planning to create and raise a child with his husband to talking about divorce?
Except that thought had not crossed Sehun’s mind until that question was asked.
Sehun has not even considered it as a possibly. Sehun doesn’t try to figure out what that all means for his attempt to move on.
Sehun is probably not moving on, but Sehun is coping and for now that has to be good enough.
*****<
The days move on in quiet numbness.
Sehun goes to work and tries his best to live as normally as possible. He sometimes goes out with friends, on very rare special occasions, especially the ones that are just his friends, the ones he met as a model. Tao is always a good support, stationed in Seoul for a while as he works on an extended concept shoot. He tries to get Sehun to go out and do more things, but Sehun feels lifeless more often than not.
He tries his best to never interact with his mutual friends with Jongin. He doesn’t think he can stomach the pitying looks or wondering if they knew his husband had been cheating on him and judged him, deceived him.
He hates thinking of his friends that way but that is what this thing did to him.
It ruined him in more ways than one.
Day by day it passes by.
He wants to say he is healing, that he is moving on, but he isn’t so sure.
There are days when he sits in his office and stares at the picture on the desk, the one of his husband that really shouldn’t be there, but is anyway, and wishes he could go home to his husband, walk into his house and into his bedroom and fall asleep in his husband’s arms after a too long day.
Except.
He can’t do that.
At least he doesn’t just burst into tears anymore at that thought.
He misses Jongin though.
Misses him so much it hurts. He obsesses over those messages, the ones his pride won’t let him read and fixatedly wonders why his husband has stopped trying to speak to him.
He knows he should be glad that Jongin, aside from the daily messages, has stopped basically stalking him, but some part of him is worried.
What does it all mean?
He wants to know desperately.
He wants to know if Jongin is doing what he can’t do. Wants to know if the silence means that Jongin is moving on, if he has forgotten about Sehun when Sehun can’t even go a single minute without thinking of him, without missing him.
Part of him thinks it the very thing that will help him move on, but a bigger part of him just know it will just make the sadness even stronger.
Sehun doesn’t know what to do.
Still doesn’t know how he is supposed to live without his husband.
Six months and he still only thinks of Jongin as his husband. Not his ex-husband. Just his husband. His.
He doesn’t even bother to consider what that means.
*****<
“Sehun”
“You can’t continue this way”
Luhan says as he bites into his meat.
Dinner is quiet until now and Sehun just continues to eat. He doesn’t know what he should say.
“You work and work and work” Luhan continues, his eyes never leaving Sehun’s form, even as Sehun forces himself to stare at his meal only.
“You are worse than Wufan” Luhan sighs.
“I think you should do it Sehun. Just do it” Luhan gets to the point he is really trying to hit at.
He has been leaving hints for the entire week and Sehun has been diligently ignoring him. Luhan however has never been one easily deterred and Sehun sort of expected him to go full out on the assault when he was able.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea Hyung” Sehun rejects as he always intended to.
“Why not Sehun?” Luhan questions.
“He is a great guy and he is really excited to meet you” Luhan continues with some energy.
“Just give it a chance Sehun. Please” Luhan encourages, with his eyes bright and sparkling and Sehun knows it will be hard to resist him, especially when he is like this.
“Hyung”
Sehun sighs mightily, his chopsticks falling from his hands as he finally looks at Luhan.
Luhan looks at him intently and Sehun sighs again.
“I’m just not ready” Sehun tries to explain.
He can’t even think about seeing someone else.
He doesn’t know how Jongin could be intimate with someone else, not when even after all that has happened, Sehun thinks he is doing something wrong just considering seeing someone else in a casual no strings attached date.
It’s weird and wrong and Sehun doesn’t want to do it.
Jongin is Sehun’s soulmate.
Even after all that has happened, that fact doesn’t get erased. Sehun doesn’t love his husband even less, doesn’t miss him less, and doesn’t want him less.
He is creepy and messed up he supposes.
Some psychological defect properly. He doesn’t think of it. Doesn’t let his rationally get too involved.
He just knows what he feels and is trying his best to get by.
Can’t that be enough?
“I know you’re not Sehun” Luhan agrees with a sigh of his own.
“I don’t expect you to ever be. You will never feel ready” Luhan continues.
“You have been with Jongin your whole life nearly. Of course it will be hard to even think about seeing someone else” Luhan says it all with care, Sehun knows.
Yet, the words feel bitter in his ears and in his heart.
If you do know all that then why are you insisting that he someone else?? Why???
Jongin is the only one for him!
“It’s been eight months Sehun” Luhan says with pause.
“Eight months of you crying yourself to sleep, of you working yourself to death and walking around like the living dead” Luhan says and his voice sounds choked and heart-breaking.
“You can’t hide those things from me Sehun. I’m your brother. I know you better than anyone else” Luhan says and his eyes water a little.
“Hyung….I’m sorry” Sehun say, lifeless, his own eyes red and watery.
“I don’t want you to apologize Sehun” Luhan says a little sharply.
“You have nothing to apologize for”
“Don’t ever apologize for hurting, for being sad, for being heartbroken” Luhan says as he leaves his seat to come around and wrap his hands around Sehun.
Sehun buries his head in his Hyung’s stomach and takes the comfort.
“I just …I don’t want to see you hurting so much” Luhan continues as he strokes Sehun’s light hair.
“I know this is not a fix all”
“I know that you love that bastard…” Luhan curses under his breath at the thought of Sehun’s husband.
“I just want you to try something new Sehun”
“He is a great guy. He really is” Luhan says softly, gently petting Sehun’s hair.
“It’s just for you to have fun. I’m not saying you must jump into a relationship or completely forget about that fucker…just….try you know?” Luhan requests as he gently lifts Sehun’s head to get him to look at him.
“Go out. Have fun”
“That is all I am asking”
Luhan says as he wipes the stubborn teardrops that fell.
Sehun just nods his head.
Later Yifan finds them cuddled together on the chair. He gives them a look only for a second before he turns around and leaves.
Ten minutes later he comes back with bubble tea and chocolate cake and Sehun thinks his brother is a fool for not marrying this man already.
*****<
He is wearing a nice suit.
Luhan personally dressed him. Picked out his best and tightest pants and sleek dark jacket and shirt and personally styles his hair.
Sehun just lets him have his fun.
He really isn’t looking forward to this “meeting” as he has chosen to call it rather than a date, as it is supposed to be.
Luhan has told him he can choose not to go if he really is uncomfortable with the idea but he doesn’t have the heart to disappoint Luhan. His brother is just worried about him and thinks meeting someone new will help him heal.
Sehun is willing to give it a try, at least for Luhan’s sake.
He has thought about it for days and somehow he thinks maybe he should give it a try. He is not achieving anything by sitting at home longing for the husband that cheated on him.
He has to try.
So he does.
*****<
The meeting is going well.
The man is warm and handsome and a real gentleman. He speaks well and is funny and bright and seems genuinely interesting and witty, full of boyish charm and upbeat liveness.
Sehun hates himself so much for just sitting here quietly.
He hates himself for thinking the man’s skin is too fair.
That his eyes are the wrong shape.
That he is too short.
That his voice is the wrong tone.
That his laugh is too loud.
That his hands are too soft, that his cheekbones are too high, that is nose is too small, that his hair is too short and sleek, that he eats his vegetables and leaves his meat, that he smiles the wrong way and he doesn’t call him the right name.
He is all wrong.
Everything is all wrong.
He is gorgeous and kind and witty and wonderful and Sehun hates himself for not appreciating it, for not being wowed by his sense of humour and kittenish smile.
Sehun hates that he sits here and wishes that it were Jongin there with him.
Hates how, even after all of that has happened, he still wishes it were Jongin.
Still wants it to be.
Still needs it to be.
“Excuse me”
Sehun says quickly, dropping the fork in his hand and hastily standing up.
The man stops speaking to look at him.
“I need to go to the washroom” Sehun says hastily without looking at the man before he turns around and basically bolts for a space to escape too.
“Well….I guess he didn’t like my story” the man mumbles to himself with a laugh.
*****<
Sehun splashes water on his face and slaps his cheeks.
God!
His eyes are already watering.
He is not going to burst into tears in the washroom of a hotel restaurant whilst on a date with one of the cutest nicest sweetest funniest man he has ever met over his lying cheating bastard of a husband, who broke his heart and ruined his life.
Like fuck he isn’t.
He isn’t!
He clinches his fist to his side and uses all his resolve not to let the tears come.
For fuck’s sake!
Why is he so fucking hung up over such an asshole?
Jongin fucking cheated on him!
He broke his trust and betrayed him.
Made a fool of out him and his marriage and his love!
Why is he wasting his life missing someone like that?
Wasting his life wanting someone like that when there is a wonderful man right before him that is eager to listen to him? That is genuinely interested in him and god!
Why is he so stupid!
Sehun glares at his reflection for a minute, before he loses the battle with himself and the tears fall from his eyes.
He hastily wipes them away, embarrassed at how goddamned weak he is when it comes to Kim Jongin, how much he loves that asshole, how much he misses him, how dumb he is, at how hard it is for him to move on from someone that betrayed him and ruined their marriage.
Sehun is so caught in the tempest of emotions that he is genuinely shocked when a handkerchief appears before his eyes.
“Don’t cry”
“You’re much too handsome to cry like that”
Sehun looks at the man before him and cries some more.
Of course he carries around a handkerchief and comforts sweetly.
Kim Jongdae
He is everything Luhan promised he would be. He is kind and sweet and gorgeous and Sehun hates that he can’t open his mind and heart to him.
Hates how foolish he is being.
Yet, there are some things in life we cannot control and love is one of them it seems.
“Don’t cry Sehun ssi” Jongdae says as he motions for Sehun to take the offered handkerchief.
“I mean it”
“You are way too handsome to cry over anyone”
Jongdae continues kindly, his voice soothing to Sehun’s ear.
“Especially someone that was foolish enough to hurt someone as wonderful as you are” Jongdae says calmly and Sehun turns to look at him in shock.
“Jongdae ssi” Sehun begins but he doesn’t actually know what to say.
“Luhan hyung told me all about it” Jongdae explains as calmly and carefully as he always seems to be, that smile that never seems to leave his lips still in place.
“I’m sorry Jongdae ssi” Sehun immediately apologizes.
Sehun never intended to use him or anything of the sort.
“You’re an amazing person…I’m sorry…I’m so hung on my past…I” Sehun tries to explain but the words are caught somewhere in his gut.
Really?
What should he really say in this situation?
How can he explain to the most perfect man that he is an awful date because he is still hung up on his cheating husband?
Jongdae doesn’t deserve that. Not at all.
“Don’t apologize Sehun ssi” Jongdae interrupts, his eyes bright and his voice still as soothing as ever.
“I wanted to meet you. Luhannie hyung told me all about it. I knew what I was getting into, so you don’t have to apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong” Jongdae comforts kindly, his words soothing Sehun more than they should.
“Jongdae ssi” Sehun begins, wipes his tears and trying to meet Jongdae’s eyes finally.
He really is a great person.
Sehun is both apologetic and regretful.
“Hyung”
“Call me Hyung” Jongdae says kindly, reaching a hand upwards to help Sehun wipe the last of his tears away.
“I don’t expect anything Sehun ssi”
“I really do think you are an amazing person”
“I have followed your career for a while and I admire what you have done with Galaxia. Luhannie hyung is always raving about smart and talented his brother is and I really just wanted to meet you myself” Jongdae explains and Sehun is amazed at the way warmth and care seems to radiate of him.
“I think it would be awesome if we could be friends” Jongdae says with a smile.
“If something more happens, awesome!….but for now, I really do just want to be your friend” Jongdae says and Sehun does see the question in the words.
Jongdae gives him another kind look, but there is some hesitancy there and Sehun wants to fix that.
“I’d like that” Sehun says and somehow Jongdae gets a smile to slip through despite Sehun’s stormy heart.
“Awesome!” Jongdae beams and even claps his hands cutely.
It makes Sehun giggle.
“Now that’s settle, come on” Jongdae invites, waving at the door.
“Let’s go finish dinner. That steak was really good and I don’t want to waste it” Jongdae says and Sehun can tell that he is trying to make things seem more casual.
Sehun is grateful for the effort.
“And you can actually eat some of yours this time now that we have gotten this little heart to heart out the way” Jongdae says, rather bluntly, but that small smile is still tugging at his lips and Sehun genuinely doesn’t know what to make of him.
Even so he rushes to say something.
“Jongdae ssi …I’m sorry…I”
“Hyung. Call me Hyung” Jongdae says breezily.
“And like I said, it’s all perfectly alright’’ Jongdae assures much too brightly for someone in this situation.
“In fact…if you want, you could tell me about this ex-husband of yours that is so great to have someone as amazing as you still crying over him” Jongdae says brightly and Sehun gaps at him.
How can someone like him exist?
Instead of Sehun being offended or uncomfortable, he laughs.
There is something about Jongdae that makes him comfortable. He has a nice warm aura and Sehun feels safe and cared for in his presence.
Just like he does with Luhan.
“Husband actually” Sehun says with a disbelieving laugh.
“I haven’t even looked into a divorce as yet” Sehun confesses, shocking his own self.
He doesn’t know why, but he feels like he can say these things to Jongdae.
“That bad huh?” Jongdae says with a laugh and for some reason Sehun laughs too.
This isn’t so bad.
*****<
After that day Sehun and Jongdae do become fast friends.
Jongdae comes by to see him sometimes at work and he always has the best stories. He is a writer with a current affairs magazine that sometimes competes with the Galaxia, but there are essentially two different genre.
Jongdae is witty and funny and ridiculously snarky sometimes, full of charm and boyishness that tugs at Sehun’s heartstrings.
Luhan loves him to death and honestly, Sehun doesn’t feel pressured at all.
Jongdae is the friend that he needed and he is glad that he has him.
Bit by bit life carries on, slowly but surely.
Jongdae takes him for bubble tea after Luhan told him that Sehun likes it and Sehun thinks its progress when he doesn’t instantly burst into tears. The memories claw up from his core and flood his mind and whilst there is sadness just at the recesses, Sehun enjoys the moments and the memories.
Yet, he still sips at his tea solemnly when he remembers that Jongin has yet to bring him bubble tea.
Once upon a time, that would have been the very first thing Jongin would have done. Brought him bubble tea and apologized. How life changes.
Sehun though, thinks he is getting better. Slowly but surely, the burning fire is now a dull ever present ache. It’s one he can’t escape. It keeps him company along with his memories, but at least it doesn’t scorch and destroy any more.
Sehun thinks that’s progress.
*****<
Today Sehun is wrapped up in an overly thick fleece sweater sipping on a caramel latte at his seat in the corner of Minseok’s café.
His friend smiles at him from the counter and points boyishly at the cookie that he placed beside the coffee when he brought it over.
Minseok still does that after so many years.
Sehun never orders it but he always gives him one anyway. He says Sehun’s need some sugar in his life, especially when he was a model and they always had him dieting.
He has been a good friend to Sehun over the
years, especially after his split from Jongin.
Sehun is thankful for all the wonderful people in his life that have made it easier for him. It still hurts mind you, but he knows it could have been much worse and he is thankful.
He makes a show of taking a bite and Minseok grins at him.
Sehun smiles faintly.
He busies himself with his magazine, scoping out the competition he says when Yifan catches him with it from time to time, but honestly, Grazia just has a special place in his heart, one of his first solo spreads and they even have the honour of being the only magazine that got to publish pictures of him and his husband, a favour to the then editor.
Sehun lives in the memories.
It comes to a screeching halt when the last person one earth he expected, or wanted to be quite frank, slips into the seat opposite him.
And then he has the audacity to smile.
“Fancy seeing you here Sehun ssi”
Kim Moonkyu.
Sehun feels sick instantly.
“Leave” Sehun bites out.
“I don’t want to hear anything from you” Sehun continues in both anger and hidden desperation.
It had been a good day so far.
He can’t do this now. He can’t do this ever.
The other man
Someone else
Seriously?
“I don’t want to hear your apology” Sehun spits, his eyes reddening and his anger pulsing in his depths.
“That’s good” Moonkyu says ever so causally.
“Especially since I have none to offer” Moonkyu continues and Sehun is shocked into silence.
This despicable human being!
How can someone so shameless exist?
Jongin and Moonkyu were old friends. They grew up in the same neighbour. Did most of their schooling together and he has the distinct honour of being there with Jongin when he first fell in love with dance, with performing.
Sehun had always been jealous of that fact, jealous that Moonkyu got to be with Jongin when he couldn’t be.
Jongin would somehow always know when those thoughts popped in his head without Sehun ever confessing to him.
“Is there anyone that knows me better than you do? You are my soul Sehun ah. Never forget that”
That is what Jongin would say.
Sehun thinks it been much too long since he has last heard it. Though now he doubts it will have the same feeling or meaning.
Moonkyu left early into their second year of high school. Sehun had heard of him from Jongin. The best friend that left when his father had to transfer jobs. He returned in the end of their last year of high school but by then they were off to college, different ones at that.
He and Jongin continued to be friends though, which is why it made sense when Jongin contacted him when his business was expanding for the extra help. Sehun even thought it was a good idea when Jongin mentioned it to him.
Moonkyu was a great dancer and had his own studio as well, but a merger of sorts was beneficial to all. Moonkyu could get the benefit of Jongin’s numerous contracts and Jongin could really use another instructor and a crew to help with the larger projects. It made perfect sense and Sehun thought then that it was fate.
Every little thing falling into place.
Sehun wasn’t personally close to Moonkyu but if he could help Jongin, then Sehun didn’t mind. When he returned to Seoul, Moonkyu and Sehun interacted but never really got that close, despite Jongin’s attempts of it. Sehun always felt that was something about Moonkyu that was just unwelcoming. A side of him that he never shown to Jongin. Sehun never took it to heart. He understood why Moonkyu would be like that. Sehun figured he just acted that way because he thought Sehun stole his best friend from him.
Sehun supposes he has had the best revenge.
He stole Sehun’s husband after all.
“I won’t ever apologize for what I did” Moonkyu continues shamelessly.
“Jonginnie…” Moonkyu says and breathes, just as Sehun’s chest tightens.
“Jongin is someone I can do anything for” Moonkyu finally starts and Sehun sucks in a breath.
“Leave”
“I won’t say it again” Sehun bites out again as he tries to even his breathing and not make a scene in his Hyung’s café.
He will not let this nasty despicable husband stealing cheating bastard have the honour of seeing Oh Sehun lose his composure.
Moonkyu ignores him.
“I love him Sehun ssi”
“I think you already knew that. You were always smarter than most people ever gave you credit for. I knew you saw my feelings even if Jongin never did” Moonkyu continues as if he is talking to an old friend and not the husband of the man he cheated with.
“I saw an opportunity and I took it”
“Maybe I took advantage of him when he was in a bad place, but I really don’t regret it and I won’t ever apologize for it” Moonkyu states firmly, shamelessly staring into Sehun’s eyes.
Sehun’s heart trembles with the conviction in Moonkyu’s words but he refuses to look away. His pride won’t let him.
“I would do it again in a heartbeat” he continues, eyes never leaving Sehun’s, whose insides feel as if they are on fire.
“The only thing I regret is leaving him all those years ago. I never expected you to happen. We were so close but then you came and ruined it all. By the time I came back he was already too much in love with you for me to do anything” Moonkyu continues and whilst Sehun continuously tries to murder him with his eyes, his face set in rigid stone like defiance he begrudgingly listens.
The words are cutting but part of it does make him feel good.
Yes.
Jongin had been in love with him.
That is not a fact that even Moonkyu could take away.
“I let it go then”
“He was happy and whilst I wanted him, I let it go. Once he was happy, I could be that person. The one that sacrifices for love and I did that. I stepped aside and I let you properly ensnare him” Moonkyu sounds bitter now and Sehun is not ashamed to admit that parts of him feel happy at that fact.
“But then you were dumb enough to let him slip away from you” Moonkyu smiles now and Sehun wants to punch him in the face.
“You let him doubt your love for him and let him wander away from you, let him feel unappreciated and unwanted” Moonkyu continues in pure satisfaction and Sehun has to forcibly keep his hands clinched to his side and grind his teeth to stop himself from pouring this coffee on the bastard that is brazen and audacious enough to say these words to him.
He hates him so much.
Especially when he makes Sehun think about things he has avoided for so very long.
What exactly is the reason Jongin turned to another?
Sehun doubts it was just sex. Whilst his husband has a very active libido, he knows Jongin too well to think sex alone would make him do something like that. Jongin is just not like that. Sex alone can’t be the reason. And Sehun is confident enough in his own attractiveness to seriously doubt Jongin could find Moonkyu more attractive than him.
Jongin can get a boner from just standing next to Sehun.
His husband definitely found him attractive. Just like the fifty eight people that did not get the memo that he was hung up on his husband and tried to ask him out since he and Jongin had separated.
Sehun knows he is attractive.
So it’s really not that.
Which means, Moonkyu is on to something and that fact alone makes Sehun despise him even more.
Sehun can’t help but wonder if there is truth to Moonkyu’s words. Did he not love his husband enough? Did he not show his appreciation? What is it that he did that made Jongin find someone else? What?
“I would have never let him feel that way. Never”
“He would never doubt my love or commitment to him. Never. It’s too strong for him to ever have reason to doubt” Moonkyu speaks and the conviction is both frightening and somewhat awe inspiring.
Sehun doesn’t even doubt him.
“I saw my opportunity and I took it”
“I won’t ever apologize for that. Not even to you” Moonkyu says firmly and Sehun thinks its fire coming from Moonkyu’s eyes, the way the words seem to be branded into him, unchangeable, unyielding.
Sehun stills thinks he is shameless and despicable.
“Are you finished?” Sehun says hotly.
He doesn’t think he should be forced to hear these words.
“No” Moonkyu responds instantly.
“Not even close”
Sehun huffs angrily.
“Give him to me Sehun ssi”
“Give him to me”
Moonkyu says as he stares at Sehun. His words are strong and Sehun can hear the desire in his voice, but his gaze wavers this time.
Wait.
Is he genuinely asking Sehun this question?
“What?” Sehun questions, taken aback.
“Give Jongin to me” Moonkyu repeats in the same way.
“I want him and you don’t anymore. So give him to me” Moonkyu explains condescendingly.
“Fuck you”
That slipped by. Sehun swears it did.
Moonkyu rolls his eyes as if he thinks Sehun is stupid.
“I want him and you are still fucking standing in my way” Moonkyu gets to the point finally.
“Jongin…” Moonkyu says and his words trail off, swallowing whatever emotion is caught in his throat, the only sign so far that this conversation is just as trying for him as it is for Sehun.
“Jongin refuses to speak to me…to see me” Moonkyu says and it’s the first time he looks way.
“He has always been too in love with you. Thinks you are some fucking unreachable star in the sky and is still desperate to hold on to you” Moonkyu bites out and the words sound both bitter and tainted with hopelessness at the same time.
“So…just give him to me” Moonkyu says as he turns to meet Sehun’s eyes again.
“Let him go properly so that he will come to me” Moonkyu doesn’t plead or request. He instructs and Sehun finds him rude and demanding and fucking hurtful.
How can he ask Sehun such a thing?
Sehun is honestly just trying his best not to burst into tears.
How can he ask Sehun to give up his soulmate? Sehun can’t even think about a divorce as yet, and it’s been nearly ten months.
Does he know that he is asking Sehun to give up half of himself?
Does he know that he is asking for the impossible? It’s easier to make stone cry blood than to get Sehun to give up on Kim Jongin.
“He has this dumb idea in his head that you will come back to him one day. That the reason you haven’t divorced him as yet is because you still love him.” Moonkyu complains nearly, rolling his eyes at the words as he shows his opinion on the matter.
Sehun doesn’t bother to tell him that Jongin is not exactly wrong.
Sehun doesn’t know if he will ever go back to his husband, but he does still love him. He doesn’t even try to deny that at all.
“Stop this Sehun ssi” Moonkyu instructs firmly, eyes not leaving Sehun.
“Let him go so we can all move on”
“This limbo you are keeping us all in is fucking annoying” Moonkyu seems angry now.
“Let him go once and for all so that he will come to me” Moonkyu says, but this time Sehun sees the desperation in his eyes.
Sehun takes a breath and gathers his thoughts.
“No” Sehun says as simply as he can, yet there is a firmness that he stands upon.
“He and I are soulmates” Sehun continues, looking up to meet Moonkyu’s eyes with more false bravado than anything else but his rigid features help him hold it all together.
His eyes won’t waver though.
He and Jongin are soulmates. That has not changed. At least it hasn’t for him.
“He is mine” Sehun says and tries his best not to blink and most importantly, not cry.
“No matter what you do, he’ll always belong to me” Sehun says harshly or at least that is what he is trying for.
Moonkyu glares at him but Sehun doesn’t back down.
Jongin is his husband. For better or worse and he is not letting some cheating skank that took advantage of his husband’s hurt feelings and maybe loneliness to tell him any nonsense.
Eleven years means something.
He doesn’t just say that Jongin is his soulmate.
He means it with every fibre of his body and whilst he is certainly heart broken and angry and hurt at what Jongin did, that fact doesn’t change.
No little bitch gets to come here and tell him anything different.
Moonkyu better know from now that Sehun has no intention of making anything easy for him. If he wants Jongin, then he has to take him, not just his body, but his heart and soul.
All of which Sehun owes.
Good luck trying!
“We’ll see about that” Moonkyu spits out.
“You couldn’t keep him once, what makes you think he won’t come to me again?”
“He will be mine”
Moonkyu promises as he stands.
“We’ll see won’t we?” Sehun plays flippant.
He isn’t. He really isn’t.
Those are the very same questions that torment Sehun every single time he even things about returning to his husband’s side. Which happens quite frequently honestly. He thinks about it all the time, especially when he gets home and tries to fall asleep and simply misses having his husband cuddled up to back and breathing against his neck.
Moonkyu doesn’t need to know that though.
Sehun glares at him just as intensely and Moonkyu does the same for what feels like a lifetime until Moonkyu finally hisses in anger.
“I’ll be seeing you Sehun ssi”
“Until then” Moonkyu skins his teeth and Sehun hisses childishly.
He then walks away.
Sehun watches him leave with all the confidence left in his body and by the time he walks out the door, Sehun is already breaking down into a sobbing fit.
“Sehun ah” Minseok says he rushes over, having been keeping a close eye on things from the counter.
He didn’t dare interrupt not wanting to embarrass Sehun, but that didn’t mean he would let that bastard who ruined Sehun’s and Jongin’s marriage hurt Sehun in his café, not where Sehun’s brother trusted that he would be safe.
Sehun seemed to be holding his own so Minseok let it play out but now he is worried.
“Are you alright?” Minseok asks as he tries to wrap his arms around Sehun.
“No Hyung”
“I’m not”
“And I’m not sure I will ever be”
Sehun cries into Minseok’s chest.
“You’ll be okay kiddo”
“Don’t you worry”
Minseok says instead as he continues to hold him close.
*****<
Sehun lets Luhan rave for a while.
He knows there is no way Minseok won’t have told him what happened, but still, he is not prepared for Luhan’s anger.
It takes both him and Yifan to calm Luhan down, though Sehun has forbidden Yifan from disclosing his methods.
He actually blushed.
He really needs to be Sehun’s brother in law for real already, honestly.
Eventually though things go back to the new normal. Sehun tries to best to ignore it all, what it all means, what his words to Moonkyu means.
He said a lot of things.
He knows he meant them all.
Yet he doesn’t even want to know the implications of that fact on this whole “moving on from Jongin thing”. For now he just tries to take it day by day and continue with his healing. He has stopped using work as a clutch thankfully, but only because Yifan threatened to fire him if he didn’t get some rest now and then and honestly, he thinks he could use some time to himself.
To properly clear his mind and his thoughts.
Before he even manages to get the words out properly, Luhan is pulling three tickets to Hawaii out of nowhere and they are off on a family vacation.
Sehun ensures Luhan knows exactly what he thinks about Yifan tagging along on this ‘family’ vacation. In fact Sehun even suggested letting them both go on their lonesome, but Luhan just kicks him on the backside and says he is not taking any mouth from a little tyke that he raised.
Sehun enjoys these moments. He really does.
They spend two weeks there and it’s so much of everything, fun and craziness and family warmth, the sights are breath taking and the sun warm against his skin and the area rich and cultured and Sehun genuinely enjoys his time with his family.
Sehun still thinks of Jongin of course. It’s not like something like that just goes away because he is on vacation in a foreign country.
It’s hard not to think of Jongin when he sees Luhan and Yifan being so sweet together, despite all the fuss Luhan makes over the dumbest things just because he is too stubborn to admit that he wants to marry the man that is always beside him.
Sehun can’t help but miss his husband sometimes. Miss his warmth and his presence and his eyes and his smile and his love.
Luhan of course suggests an island fling just for the hell of it. Yifan joins in with Sehun to give him judging looks, but in true Luhan fashion he doesn’t care. He is very serious. In fact he spends most of their time by the pool pointing out skimpily clad boys and girls for Sehun’s consideration.
Sehun pointedly ignores him.
Jongdae joins them in the last week they are there and Sehun can spot Luhan’s plotting a mile away. He is so goddamned shameless, especially with the way he blatantly ‘ships’ ‘Daehun’ or ‘do you prefer ‘Sedae’? Since… well ‘SeJong’ is a little awkward’.
Sehun wants to strangle him.
He doesn’t though.
Luhan’s plotting and shipping aside, Jongdae brings some much needed levity and sanity to the party and doesn’t really participate in Luhan’s schemes. He really is just here to unwind after a few long months at work and spends time with Luhan and Sehun at the pool basking in the sunshine. He also participates in pointing out good possible one night stands for Sehun or Luhan or himself much to Yifan’s chagrin. They are just joking around though, at least when it comes to Luhan. Despite his words, Sehun knows that in the twelve years Luhan and Yifan have had been together Luhan has never even thought about someone else.
Luhan and Jongdae have fun and Sehun does too, as much as he hates to admit it. Their constant commentary is quite hilarious and keeps Sehun entertained.
Sehun hates them both. And he loves them too.
The days do help take some of the tension from his body though and he is grateful for that. Just as he is grateful for all the warmth and memories.
It reminded him of something important.
No matter what happens he is not alone. Even without Jongin at his side, he will always have his family and friends.
Sehun knows then that he had been wrong all along.
His life doesn’t end without Jongin. It never did. He just needed to realize that the death was only for one part and life is made up of many parts.
Sehun can move on, in time.
One |
Two | Three |
Four |
Five |
Six |
Seven