What is scariest to me about dealing with depression is the feeling of falling. Regardless of how hard I struggle and how much I attempt to "cowboy up". It just feels like I am standing at the edge of a precipice - teetering - waving my arms to keep from losing my balance and tumbling into the abyss. But it doesn't matter how much I wave my arms ( Read more... )

This breaks my heart in a whole different way. I just handed my keys to my store to the new owner. Actually I am lying... I just left while my husband handed my keys to the new owner because I didn't have the heart to do it. I don't even know if I can explain how this feels, but I am going to try. My heart is heavy in my chest like a lump. I ( Read more... )

Here I am... holed up in my house in pj's in the middle of the day. Burning candles, listening to Norah Jones on repeat, trying to soothe the betraying pain that has taken over my body. It is so hard right now and no matter how many times I tell myself.. It's seriously going to work out, I just can't believe it in my heart. And I'm so tired of ( Read more... )

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

Sometimes it just seems unmanageable. And this can change minute by minute. More than likely some of these mood swings can be attributed to the wavering hormones that naturally accompany this tidal wave of disappointments ( Read more... )

Changes in life always make me so nostalgic. Even small ones like changing of seasons, but also big ones, which I am going through a lot of. I can't believe that in less than a month I will be "retired". Part of me is a little panicked. Who will I be? What will I do? I sure hope our IVF is successful because if I go through all this and it's ( Read more... )

I am sick and scared with disappointment. It's almost a panicky feeling of desperation. Grief that is too much to really cope with. There's so many things that I feel like I can't even admit to myself, so how can I get this off my chest?? My heart and body are so tired, clear down deep. I'm immensely depressed about life in general. Myself as ( Read more... )

I have to ask myself. What is it that I want from this man? I guess the answer is and always will be... everything. I cannot, surely, settle for less. The reason being that I have given him, everything. How can you give a whole and receive half in return? How could a person live like that? I'm starting to imagine and see what a person in ( Read more... )

THOUGHTS ON BECOMING A MOTHER ( Read more... )

Today I am excited. My hormone build up has found a release and my mind is free again. How infuriating it is to have no control over my body right now. I am taking 2300mg of medication daily. It is wacking me out. I can admit this, I just don't know what to do about it. So tomorrow is our big shot. I hope with more than I can really dare to ( Read more... )