I feel like we have reached phase two of this nightmare and in some ways it's like the top of the mountain. This is week 28. Week 28 is the week that nobody thought we would get to. It was our elusive dream. The magical week of 90% survival that seemed so far from our grasp, in labor at 20 weeks. But now we're here and I'm still not ready to ( Read more... )

I dreamed last night that my children were born. I was at home alone and they came too quickly to call anyone or go to the hospital. They cried when they were born, but they were too small and I knew they needed help. I tried to get them to the NICU, to possible safety, but I kept losing them. I put them in their carseats, but when I went to ( Read more... )

I went to a baby shower this weekend and you wouldn't think that would be so hard. After all, I am expecting two of my own. How could anybody look down on me now? And how could I possibly care if they do? I've been realizing this for awhile though. Nothing will ever be the same as it would have been before. To the real world, I am less of a ( Read more... )

I'm tired of hurting and sadness and grief and fighting. That seems like all I do. I just don't want to do ANYTHING anymore. Why can't people understand that? More specifically, why can't my husband understand that? It's not that I've given up on life and am determined to die. I just need a break from trying, from fighting, from trying to ( Read more... )

My IVF cycle took about two months and while I was going through it, I listened to a visualization tape that encouraged me to relax and concentrate on what was happening inside of me with each step of the cycle. I became more in tune with my body than I ever had been before, it was pretty cool and through it I was able to have a very special ( Read more... )

Now that the initial grief is starting to subside, I am realizing that I am going to live through this, but the way it has affected me is much deeper than I could have imagined. My heart still hurts of course, but now I'm noticing all these subtle things that I'd never thought of. In some ways my innocence is gone. Infertility and everything that ( Read more... )

It is a rather unfortunate truth that we can't go through life without other people. And a very sad truth that the hardest things we have to go through isolate such a large majority of the people around us. I have encountered 4 main groups of people in my recent sorrow. With the exception of one group, I wish it had been possible to just live in ( Read more... )

The unrelenting pain in my womb is nothing compared to the pain in my heart. But it focuses it all down until it seems that I AM pain and nothing exists besides that. My husband worried that I would be depressed when I first heard the news, but I am too far past that. I feel if I give into the depression that I will die. But how can I fight it ( Read more... )

I am compelled to comment on my now vast experience with the petroleum industry that I have found myself tossed in the middle of. My husband currently works a job called hot shot driver. Not even kidding. He's a hot shot. I've always thought so, but now he has the business card to prove it. The gist of his job is to drive to varying locations ( Read more... )

Before my latest disappointment I had a very vivid dream. We had succeeded and my whole view of myself, my husband, and my life changed drastically. Gone were the shame, blame, guilt, pain, and hopelessness. So quickly were they lifted that I was unaware how strongly I was feeling those things. But I do... I more than feel it, I live it. It ( Read more... )