Advice about ongoing unpaid overtime and work stress

[mariole]

Hi, my friends! I'm up writing at 3:30 in the morning because I have a tension ball in my stomach and can't sleep. A wonderful situation at work turned on its head. Any advice regarding my mistakes and situation is very welcome. And listen, feel free to tell me what a jerk I've been, because I am not blameless in this mess I've made for myself. I'm

Comments

[claudia603]

I'm so very sorry, I have no real advice. It sounds like a miserable situation. It just sucks that your project got taken over by those prima donnas who clearly have an agenda of some kind. :( And we all make career mistakes occasionally, so don't beat yourself up over it.

I made a HUGE one this year, an absolutely huge one that I still feel sick over, that involved repeating some confidential gossip that I shouldn't have to one person that I thought I trusted and to whom I had told to not say anything, but she did, and she told another person and from there, things rolled out of control and it got back to someone important. It was awful and I felt sick for days and I still cringe about it because repeating gossip is so not me at all. The good thing is that these things WILL pass. It might not seem like it for awhile, but it will.

**tight tight hugs**

[mariole]

I remember your incident well. Oh, the things we wish we could take back doing! Mine lasted all of 30 seconds, and I've spent literally hours cleaning up the damage-- which is still not sorted.

My take-away from this is that I need to do some development in the assertiveness (vs aggressiveness) area; learn how to state my objections positively such that everyone on the team, nice people and bitches, feel valued and included. It's a tall order and I'm not sure I'm up to it, but it's nice to have goals!

Thanks for the hugs and sympathy. I appreciate it, and your willingness to share your experiences, even when uncomfortable. Take care.

[samaranth]

Mariole, the biggest of hugs. What an awful place to be

[mariole]

> it can be soul-destroying. And especially to have all of your good ideas and creativity bollocked by someone who's got no idea of how things work

Wow, I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's right, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I'm hoping I'll be able to present myself and my ideas in a more positive light, so that I'll have management backing over the idiotic crap I'm being asked to accept now. If I can't, yes, sadly, it will be time to move on.

For the moment I'm putting it behind me and being positive and cheerful. I haven't yet come to the crunch, where I have to "complain" yet again about how badly this design is going. My challenge for this weekend is to figure out how to state that in positive terms. There will be a big presentation on Monday and all the bigwigs will be watching.

Thanks for your insights! It really helps.

[ellinestel]

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

I don't know what to say, I just know that it will work out for you somehow.

And I hope that someday I will be able to come to the US again and see you. Believe it or not, but I still think about our time in Boulder.

[mariole]

Thank you, Ellin! You remember that dinner we had on the Boulder mall; that was my Facebook profile page for years-- I think it's still my Facebook page! That was a happy night and a fun visit. If you ever can make it back over to the US, there's an open door (and as of this morning, a very clean house) waiting for you. Hugs!!!

[ellinestel]

Yes, I remember how wonderful was our day in Boulder, and I hope we will be able to repeat it someday. :) Thank you for for you hospitality, for tolerating stupid me for one day more (who would have thought that bus tickets do sell out!) and for taking me to that pumpkin-carving party! That was so much fun!

Now I just need to earn enough money for my dream vacation in the US...For us Europe is so much closer and easier...

I know that everything will work out for you! You will find a way out, I just feel it.

[mariole]

Aw, it's a pleasure. Europe is a bit beyond my reach at present, so I know how you feel. Let's just be very prudent and more world traveling will occur in good time. At present, it's so wonderful to hear you so happy! Here, have another balloon. Cheers!

[gentlehobbit]

Dearest Mariole, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm not going to tell you it's all your fault. You may have acted unwisely when you shouted at her, but from your descriptions, she's being doing the longer term, more insidious damage.

My only suggestion is to faithfully, honestly and as accurately as you can, document everything that has happened in the whole thing, including other members of your group, things said, etc. to create a track record. Say who stood up first (if she stood up first, then complaining that you did seems rather silly to me.) Keep a record of all those overtime hours, keep a record of work undone by the "improvements", any debilitating comments from the 2 women. Document everything. I don't know what would be the best way to use this or even if you should, but perhaps someone experienced in workplace politics and ethics could give you some advice on how to proceed.

*hugs you gently*

[elenya54]

(((((((Mariole))))))) What a miserable place for you to be. That's excellent advice from Gentlehobbit: document everything. As far as looking for another job, might it be worth waiting for the dust to settle? Will there be a problem with a reference? (Another good reason to document everything). Is it worth waiting for the director to get back and ask for a meeting with him with your boss present to explain and "apologise"? Yeh, yeh, I know the provocation wasn't yours, but you can still apologise for reacting. Depending on how much humble pie you want to eat (which I realise, may be none *grins*), you could play the "what would you like me to do differently" card; makes them feel superior and therefore possibly more friendly towards you. I have to admit as a former boss, I would have come down very heavily on staff who had a slanging match, but I hope I'd look for underlying causes, not just take it at face value so you have a bad boss there

[mariole]

> Why am I here, when you're there needing a hug

[mariole]

You're so kind. Documentation is a good idea. I don't think it's worth documenting the incident-- frankly I don't remember who stood up first. I was upset. Not my finest moment. But I can certainly track how long their stupid artsy template takes to update, and how much time I'm wasting moving around graphical elements that don't take coding gracefully as opposed to using the application in its native form, as it was designed.

For myself, I'm going to take total blame for this, because I didn't have enough tools in my toolbox to cope with the situation. I still don't. But I'm working on developing some assertiveness skills and seeing if I can make a real improvement in my interpersonal skills-- if not here, then wherever I end up.

How's it going for you? Have you heard anything back on your prescreening interview? *hugs*

[aussiepeach]

Ugh! I'm sorry you're going through this. Ouch. I like to think of myself as a fighter, but I loathe shouty confrontation (not that I blame you for cracking that once) and you have to ask yourself whether it's worth the aggravation and stress to stay. It's not fair that you've been made to look the bad guy. What a pair of Moriartys!

Looking for another job does sound wise. I guess many work environments have the potential for this kind of disaster, good economy or not. You've done good work and you can stand by that, but it's a shame you're being undervalued. And yeah, overtime can take over your life. I know.

So, more sympathy than helpful advice, but I hope the bitches back off. I'd love to come over and kick them for you.

[mariole]

> What a pair of Moriartys