if there was only very little to live for, if there was only loneliness and boredom to match this agony i could give up. i wish there was ( Read more... )

his angry mouth was all i could feel for the moment, pressed against mine and raging there, upset by my response, the way my fingers moved to his cheeks and tore at them, pushing him away, and my mouth fought his with bitterness of its own ( Read more... )

a taste was in my mouth, and it was refreshing; not the chemical and awful taste that has lingered there for days but the memory of a jawbreaker, all sugar shell and food colouring. the taste is halloween, and i realise that i am looking forward to that, to the fall cool, to the enormous bowl of candy, to the smell of the plastic and polyester ( Read more... )

sketchbook in hand, fingers and lips inked like eyes rimmed with red and black, and blue plastic hair falling into my face, making me forget to long for the waist long black curtain i lived in for so long. my eyes burn, my body aches and it is another sleepless hour, distracting myself with little doodles, a tiny portion of an epic tale. i cut and ( Read more... )

there was a time when you would have paid to feel this utterly removed from yourself, your persona. well let someone else pay for this, but willfully taken it. not so bad really when you hover here, and contemplate things ( Read more... )

beep beep beep, waking you from your deluded daydreams. poison pumping into your veins, the nurse pushes the red liquid in slowly, the syringe stopper moving maybe a milliliter a minute. tingling fingers, burning burning veins you try to ignore, you try not to think of what you're thinking. bubbling flesh, blistering, horribly disfigured, you try ( Read more... )

veins aching, the dull pain of bruises without a bruise. i spit rum through my teeth onto the alter, praying silently to anyone, everyone. i call on the dead i know, relatives and pets, it seems so much more likely that they would come to my aid; God has a lot of shit to handle, i figure. overbloomed lilies, almost wilting, fill the air with a too ( Read more... )

episodic suffering, on top of what i bore already is too much. too much when coupled with losing my mind, losing my ability to focus and, for days on end, enjoy. finger tips numb, stomach churning, veins stuttering, i stumble about on cramping feet, trapped in all the horrors my body always meant to me and without the benefit of the beauty it could ( Read more... )

i think of children with some permutation of this disease, hairless and sick in beds somewhere near. i think of men facing certain death in war and marching in to battle, of the generations of women who wasted and died without aid through the hell of childbirth. i think of field hospitals in the civil war, of whiskey amputations, think of the ( Read more... )

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