Fic: The Unicorn Who Made Sam Deeply Uncomfortable
Title: The Unicorn Who Made Sam Deeply Uncomfortable
Characters: Sam, Dean, a unicorn, a sex toy shop employee
Ratings/Warnings: R/Loads of adult...recreational...fake penises.
Word Count: 1570
Summary: Sam and Dean are investigating a job in a sex toy shop when the unicorn shows up and ruins everything, including some of the merchandise. I'm sorry for this...really.
Part of the ongoing collaboration between me and sockkiah that we've been calling Unicorn Verse.
Part 1: The Unicorn Who Used Up Dean's Shampoo
Part 2: The Unicorn Who Apologized For Stealing Hot Pockets
Part 3: The Unicorn Who Made Sam Deeply Uncomfortable
Part 4: The Unicorn Who Interrupted An Angel Of The Lord
“You sure this is the place?” Sam eyed the shop front, his tremendous forehead puckering.
Dean grinned, posing in front of the window sign Vanna White style in his best authoritative suite. “The Playful Pussy,” read the pink and blue letters, arched over a cartoon kitty cat playing with a ball. “Four skeezeballs crawled out of their moms’ basements to gank family members after taking home porn stars they met at this place.” He smirked. “Easy peasy, Sammy. We got a succubus stalking the porn aisle.”
Sam looked uncomfortably at the cartoon kitty on the window.
“Ah, puns,” Dean said wistfully. “The bread and butter of the porn industry. C’mon, dude. Don’t just stand out here looking like a creep.”
Sam slouched inside after his brother, trying his best to keep his eyes on the task at hand. They were going to interview the shop clerk. Okay. Easy enough. He’d just look up, focus on the clerk, and-
Sam had been in a sex toy shop before. Once. In college. On a dare. But that place had been stark and businesslike, a place you could step into and pretend you weren’t there to buy a pair of fuzzy handcuffs for your friend. This? This place had cheerful shabby chic dressers and clear glass shelving all along the walls. It had tables with pink lace tablecloths. And on top of every available surface, displayed proud and erect, were dongs. Blue ones! Black ones! Clear sparkly pinkish ones! Flesh toned ones with bulging veins! Double-ended dongs! Dongs that looked like animals and swords and even one that-was that Jesus?
Dean flashed a badge. “We’re with the FBI, ma’am. Agents Ulrich and Hammett.” He elbowed Sam and hissed, “Dude, are you blushing?”
Sam flashed his badge quickly, then passed a printout of the victims’ photos to the bookish clerk. “Have you seen any of these men in the shop recently? Maybe leaving with a girl - busty, made up, usually blonde?”
The sex toy shop clerk snapped her gum at the boys, looking them up and down, then said, “There’s a unicorn behind you.”
“HI!” shouted the unicorn, butting his head in between the Winchesters.
“AUGH!” shouted Sam, falling backwards into a wall of toys. The shelves tipped under his weight, and as he landed on the floor, dildos in all colors of the rainbow rained down around him, a few clonking him on the head. “S-sorry,” he stammered to the clerk as he tried to fix the display. “I’ll help with the-I mean-geez-” He frowned at a place card that had fallen, too. “‘Rick’?”
“They all have names,” the clerk said, smacking her gum. “The hand-sculpted ones, anyway.”
Dean snorted into his fist.
“There’s one named Dean over there,” the unicorn pointed out smugly, and raised his sparkly golden hoof to illustrate its height against the counter. “It’s teeny. Leprechauns would coo at it. I think it’s for the back door.”
The clerk cleared her throat. “Look, uh, unicorn?”
“Yes?” the unicorn said huffily, the florescent lighting sending beams of rainbows cascading from his horn.
“You need to be eighteen to be in this store. You got an ID?”
“An ID?” The unicorn said, lowering his head to glare at her with his shimmering eyes. “You’re asking ME if I have an ID?” He stomped his feet and swished his tail furiously. The floorboards creaked in song as he struck them, and moonbeams, hearts, and lollypops sprinkled from the pink tuft of his tail. “I’M A UNICORN,” he shouted. “Jesus, Mary, ‘n Joseph, how do people not get this?”
“Ooh, a swirly sucker!” Dean said, bending down to pick a lollypop from the floor.
“Dean!” Sam cried, grimacing. “Sex shop floor candy!”
Dean looked at him curiously as he slid the lollypop into his mouth. “Dude, have you not tried this candy? They could sell it in the porn aisle, it’s so good.”
“Ugh.”
“So, what’re you guys doing?” the unicorn said, bobbing his unicorn head between the brothers. “Pretending to be authority figures in your cheap little suits? Ooh! Ooh! Lemme guess. Uh…” He pinched his eyes shut in concentration, then opened them brightly. “Gay CIA agents!”
Sam made bitchface. “Why are you here?”
The unicorn gave him a serious look. “Gay lawyers?”
“Wait,” said the clerk, backing away from the counter, “you guys aren’t really FBI, are you?”
“Gay FBI agents!” the unicorn said, smacking his forehead with a hoof. “Of course!”
“We are,” Dean assured her. “This unicorn is a known liar.”
“And how is the FBI involved with unicorns?” the clerk wanted to know.
“I used their shower a few weeks back,” the unicorn offered, looking sidelong at the boys. “And they were whiny bitches about it, too. I mean, you’d think finding out unicorns exist would be a joyous occasion, but noooo, they made it all about them and their stupid tasty Hot Pockets. Then when I was kind enough to make them cinnamon roles-”
“Hey, yow mom fowthed you to make uth cimmamon wolls,” Dean objected around his lollypop.
“-they acted like I’d immolated their mother or something, and now they’re being homophobic dillweeds in your quaint little fake penis shop.” The unicorn shot them each a glare individually. “Shame on you.”
“We’re not homophobic,” Sam tried to explain to the clerk as he daintily reshelved dildos. “We love gay people-platonically.”
“Hey, Sam!” the unicorn said, suddenly behind him. A large purple dildo was stuck on the end of his horn, and he used it to bat at the dildo currently in Sam’s hand as if fencing. “Light saber battle! Come on! Zzzzzhhhheeeeeeeww! Zzzzaaaaaooo!”
Sam’s mouth made a near-perfect upside down U, and his eyebrows echoed the shape. “I don’t want to have a light saber battle,” he said, his voice small and scared.
The unicorn shook his head at the clerk. “See? Total homophobe.”
Dean popped the lollypop out of his mouth in an attempt to get the situation back under control. “So, ma’am,” he said to the clerk, pointing to the photos, “if you could just ignore the unicorn, we’d really appreciate your cooperation.”
“Duuuuuuuuuu-eaners,” whispered a voice to his left, and something squishy prodded him in the cheek. “Heeeeeeey, Deaners.”
Dean Winchester pursed his lips and swallowed, trying his damnedest to ignore the fact that there was a unicorn prodding him repeatedly in the face with a large purple dildo attached to its horn.
“Deeeeeaneeeeeeers,” the unicorn said, effecting a deep, throaty man-voice. “I got your number from a truck stop bathroom. Don’t you want to party?”
“All right, that is IT!” Dean shouted, flinging his arms in the air and batting away the dildo. “You!” he yelled, pointing at the unicorn. “We’re working a job here, and you are doing the opposite of helping! And so help me, if you poke that thing at my face again, I will snap your horn off like a matchstick, grind it up, and make snow globes for everyone on my Christmas list!”
The unicorn hung back between the porn racks and the display of butt toys, frowning dejectedly. Around him, every phallic toy seemed to wilt, including the one on his horn.
“Gkk!” came a noise from behind Dean. The Winchesters looked over to find the store clerk shuddering on the floor, the stick of one of the unicorn’s tail lollypops protruding from her mouth. Sparks flickered and popped along her body, ending in one big heart-shaped fireworks display, and when it ended, her skin had turned gray and her face empty.
“She was the succubus?” Sam said. “But how-?”
The unicorn rolled his unicorn eyes. “My tail candy purges unholy energy from anyone who eats it.”
“But that’s not-” Dean started.
“Unicorn.”
“Right. Sorry.” Dean scratched the back of his head. “Well…thanks, I guess.”
Sam, having collected himself, asked, “So, unicorn, what are you doing here, really? You made your apology, and it didn’t sound like you ever wanted to see us again.”
The unicorn heaved a sigh, sending sparkles and cherubim chorus voices tinkling through the air. “My mom told me I need to make friends.”
Dean smirked. “I made friends with your mom last night!”
The unicorn’s face brightened with a smile, and every flaccid toy in the shop cheerfully stood up. “You did? Y’know, I keep telling her she should meet some people who are less than two thousand, but she never listens. It’s all ‘Bridge on Tuesdays, Shuffleboarding with Sal on Thursdays, singles night at the retirement community bar on Fridays.”
“Uh…huh,” Dean said, backing away.
Sam grabbed his arm. “Dude, are we seriously going to let this socially stunted unicorn tag along with us?”
“I dunno, Sammy, it could be useful to have a unicorn in our corner. Maybe we could befriend him.”
“Hey! Hey, Dean!”
The Winchesters looked over. The unicorn flashed them a grin, his head poised beside the most enormous black dildo either of them had ever known existed. A much smaller, finger-sized toy stood in its shadow. “See?” the unicorn announced proudly. “I put them next to each other for reference. This one’s ‘Dean,’ and this one’s ‘For Display Purposes Only,’ but if you’re wondering what’s downstairs, it’s almost to scale.”
Sam shot Dean a concerned look. “Befriend him?”
Dean dropped his face into his hands. “We’ll see.”
Characters: Sam, Dean, a unicorn, a sex toy shop employee
Ratings/Warnings: R/Loads of adult...recreational...fake penises.
Word Count: 1570
Summary: Sam and Dean are investigating a job in a sex toy shop when the unicorn shows up and ruins everything, including some of the merchandise. I'm sorry for this...really.
Part of the ongoing collaboration between me and sockkiah that we've been calling Unicorn Verse.
Part 1: The Unicorn Who Used Up Dean's Shampoo
Part 2: The Unicorn Who Apologized For Stealing Hot Pockets
Part 3: The Unicorn Who Made Sam Deeply Uncomfortable
Part 4: The Unicorn Who Interrupted An Angel Of The Lord
“You sure this is the place?” Sam eyed the shop front, his tremendous forehead puckering.
Dean grinned, posing in front of the window sign Vanna White style in his best authoritative suite. “The Playful Pussy,” read the pink and blue letters, arched over a cartoon kitty cat playing with a ball. “Four skeezeballs crawled out of their moms’ basements to gank family members after taking home porn stars they met at this place.” He smirked. “Easy peasy, Sammy. We got a succubus stalking the porn aisle.”
Sam looked uncomfortably at the cartoon kitty on the window.
“Ah, puns,” Dean said wistfully. “The bread and butter of the porn industry. C’mon, dude. Don’t just stand out here looking like a creep.”
Sam slouched inside after his brother, trying his best to keep his eyes on the task at hand. They were going to interview the shop clerk. Okay. Easy enough. He’d just look up, focus on the clerk, and-
Sam had been in a sex toy shop before. Once. In college. On a dare. But that place had been stark and businesslike, a place you could step into and pretend you weren’t there to buy a pair of fuzzy handcuffs for your friend. This? This place had cheerful shabby chic dressers and clear glass shelving all along the walls. It had tables with pink lace tablecloths. And on top of every available surface, displayed proud and erect, were dongs. Blue ones! Black ones! Clear sparkly pinkish ones! Flesh toned ones with bulging veins! Double-ended dongs! Dongs that looked like animals and swords and even one that-was that Jesus?
Dean flashed a badge. “We’re with the FBI, ma’am. Agents Ulrich and Hammett.” He elbowed Sam and hissed, “Dude, are you blushing?”
Sam flashed his badge quickly, then passed a printout of the victims’ photos to the bookish clerk. “Have you seen any of these men in the shop recently? Maybe leaving with a girl - busty, made up, usually blonde?”
The sex toy shop clerk snapped her gum at the boys, looking them up and down, then said, “There’s a unicorn behind you.”
“HI!” shouted the unicorn, butting his head in between the Winchesters.
“AUGH!” shouted Sam, falling backwards into a wall of toys. The shelves tipped under his weight, and as he landed on the floor, dildos in all colors of the rainbow rained down around him, a few clonking him on the head. “S-sorry,” he stammered to the clerk as he tried to fix the display. “I’ll help with the-I mean-geez-” He frowned at a place card that had fallen, too. “‘Rick’?”
“They all have names,” the clerk said, smacking her gum. “The hand-sculpted ones, anyway.”
Dean snorted into his fist.
“There’s one named Dean over there,” the unicorn pointed out smugly, and raised his sparkly golden hoof to illustrate its height against the counter. “It’s teeny. Leprechauns would coo at it. I think it’s for the back door.”
The clerk cleared her throat. “Look, uh, unicorn?”
“Yes?” the unicorn said huffily, the florescent lighting sending beams of rainbows cascading from his horn.
“You need to be eighteen to be in this store. You got an ID?”
“An ID?” The unicorn said, lowering his head to glare at her with his shimmering eyes. “You’re asking ME if I have an ID?” He stomped his feet and swished his tail furiously. The floorboards creaked in song as he struck them, and moonbeams, hearts, and lollypops sprinkled from the pink tuft of his tail. “I’M A UNICORN,” he shouted. “Jesus, Mary, ‘n Joseph, how do people not get this?”
“Ooh, a swirly sucker!” Dean said, bending down to pick a lollypop from the floor.
“Dean!” Sam cried, grimacing. “Sex shop floor candy!”
Dean looked at him curiously as he slid the lollypop into his mouth. “Dude, have you not tried this candy? They could sell it in the porn aisle, it’s so good.”
“Ugh.”
“So, what’re you guys doing?” the unicorn said, bobbing his unicorn head between the brothers. “Pretending to be authority figures in your cheap little suits? Ooh! Ooh! Lemme guess. Uh…” He pinched his eyes shut in concentration, then opened them brightly. “Gay CIA agents!”
Sam made bitchface. “Why are you here?”
The unicorn gave him a serious look. “Gay lawyers?”
“Wait,” said the clerk, backing away from the counter, “you guys aren’t really FBI, are you?”
“Gay FBI agents!” the unicorn said, smacking his forehead with a hoof. “Of course!”
“We are,” Dean assured her. “This unicorn is a known liar.”
“And how is the FBI involved with unicorns?” the clerk wanted to know.
“I used their shower a few weeks back,” the unicorn offered, looking sidelong at the boys. “And they were whiny bitches about it, too. I mean, you’d think finding out unicorns exist would be a joyous occasion, but noooo, they made it all about them and their stupid tasty Hot Pockets. Then when I was kind enough to make them cinnamon roles-”
“Hey, yow mom fowthed you to make uth cimmamon wolls,” Dean objected around his lollypop.
“-they acted like I’d immolated their mother or something, and now they’re being homophobic dillweeds in your quaint little fake penis shop.” The unicorn shot them each a glare individually. “Shame on you.”
“We’re not homophobic,” Sam tried to explain to the clerk as he daintily reshelved dildos. “We love gay people-platonically.”
“Hey, Sam!” the unicorn said, suddenly behind him. A large purple dildo was stuck on the end of his horn, and he used it to bat at the dildo currently in Sam’s hand as if fencing. “Light saber battle! Come on! Zzzzzhhhheeeeeeeww! Zzzzaaaaaooo!”
Sam’s mouth made a near-perfect upside down U, and his eyebrows echoed the shape. “I don’t want to have a light saber battle,” he said, his voice small and scared.
The unicorn shook his head at the clerk. “See? Total homophobe.”
Dean popped the lollypop out of his mouth in an attempt to get the situation back under control. “So, ma’am,” he said to the clerk, pointing to the photos, “if you could just ignore the unicorn, we’d really appreciate your cooperation.”
“Duuuuuuuuuu-eaners,” whispered a voice to his left, and something squishy prodded him in the cheek. “Heeeeeeey, Deaners.”
Dean Winchester pursed his lips and swallowed, trying his damnedest to ignore the fact that there was a unicorn prodding him repeatedly in the face with a large purple dildo attached to its horn.
“Deeeeeaneeeeeeers,” the unicorn said, effecting a deep, throaty man-voice. “I got your number from a truck stop bathroom. Don’t you want to party?”
“All right, that is IT!” Dean shouted, flinging his arms in the air and batting away the dildo. “You!” he yelled, pointing at the unicorn. “We’re working a job here, and you are doing the opposite of helping! And so help me, if you poke that thing at my face again, I will snap your horn off like a matchstick, grind it up, and make snow globes for everyone on my Christmas list!”
The unicorn hung back between the porn racks and the display of butt toys, frowning dejectedly. Around him, every phallic toy seemed to wilt, including the one on his horn.
“Gkk!” came a noise from behind Dean. The Winchesters looked over to find the store clerk shuddering on the floor, the stick of one of the unicorn’s tail lollypops protruding from her mouth. Sparks flickered and popped along her body, ending in one big heart-shaped fireworks display, and when it ended, her skin had turned gray and her face empty.
“She was the succubus?” Sam said. “But how-?”
The unicorn rolled his unicorn eyes. “My tail candy purges unholy energy from anyone who eats it.”
“But that’s not-” Dean started.
“Unicorn.”
“Right. Sorry.” Dean scratched the back of his head. “Well…thanks, I guess.”
Sam, having collected himself, asked, “So, unicorn, what are you doing here, really? You made your apology, and it didn’t sound like you ever wanted to see us again.”
The unicorn heaved a sigh, sending sparkles and cherubim chorus voices tinkling through the air. “My mom told me I need to make friends.”
Dean smirked. “I made friends with your mom last night!”
The unicorn’s face brightened with a smile, and every flaccid toy in the shop cheerfully stood up. “You did? Y’know, I keep telling her she should meet some people who are less than two thousand, but she never listens. It’s all ‘Bridge on Tuesdays, Shuffleboarding with Sal on Thursdays, singles night at the retirement community bar on Fridays.”
“Uh…huh,” Dean said, backing away.
Sam grabbed his arm. “Dude, are we seriously going to let this socially stunted unicorn tag along with us?”
“I dunno, Sammy, it could be useful to have a unicorn in our corner. Maybe we could befriend him.”
“Hey! Hey, Dean!”
The Winchesters looked over. The unicorn flashed them a grin, his head poised beside the most enormous black dildo either of them had ever known existed. A much smaller, finger-sized toy stood in its shadow. “See?” the unicorn announced proudly. “I put them next to each other for reference. This one’s ‘Dean,’ and this one’s ‘For Display Purposes Only,’ but if you’re wondering what’s downstairs, it’s almost to scale.”
Sam shot Dean a concerned look. “Befriend him?”
Dean dropped his face into his hands. “We’ll see.”