Never letting you go 8/9
Part 1
At the sound of hard sobs and coughing coming through the door, Heechul understood that Hyukjae must be anything but happy at that moment. It sounded like he would be suffocated in his crying any moment.
He knew he couldn't leave Hyukjae alone right now because he was seriously worried that the boy would do anything to himself in this moment (remembering he would give Donghae a hard time if he was the one who had said something upsetting). The door pushed open as he strode in carefully to see if Hyukjae would oppose to have him there or not, but the latter barely seemed to notice Heechul's presence, as he was lost in another world.
Heechul crouched down next to the bed where Hyukjae lay in a fetus position crying his heart out. He couldn’t really tell the boy everything was ‘okay’ since he wasn’t sure why he was crying. The phone which were tightly clenched in Hyukjae’s hand started vibrate frequently, and Heechul managed to slip the device out of the boy’s hand to turn it off, but he noticed it was Donghae again. Opening the call, he didn’t wait for Donghae to say anything and sternly told the other “Call again tomorrow” before hanging up and putting the phone away.
The bother to wipe his tear-soaked face didn’t occur to Hyukjae for a single moment and he just let his eyes continue producing the tears until it hurt, but it was nothing compared to the hurt feeling he could feel in his chest and stomach. He wanted to hate Donghae, really. He wanted to hate him on the same level he hated his father, because how Donghae had been acting just like he had cared about, and loved him and then leaving without feeling a single bit sorry for it. Donghae was just as unreliable as his father was.
As he struggled with breathing normal in between his sobbing, Heechul had lifted up his upper body into a sitting position and two thumbs rubbed his cheeks tenderly. New tears wetted down the dry spots once again.
“Come down with me for a bit.” Heechul said quietly, draping the covers around Hyukjae’s body and helping him stand up on his legs.
With a slow pace, Heechul had managed to lead Hyukjae downstairs and sat him on a chair by the dining table before starting to make something for the boy to drink. Hyukjae continued his crying while staring at the table and hugging his own body under the blanket.
“Here, drink this okay?” The older put down a cup with steaming chocolate in front of Hyukjae and proceeded with taking a seat to his left. “It’ll get cold if you wait for too long.” He said with a smile when Hyukjae hadn’t touched the cup yet.
With shaking hands, Hyukjae lifted the cup to his lips and sipped carefully at the hot beverage.
Seeing the way Hyukjae had acted, he was really worried because he didn’t doubt that the boy could get into suicidal thoughts. He’d had met other kids before who had been in similar tracks as Hyukjae seemed to be in.
All he knew from Donghae was that there were scars left on Hyukjae’s body. Either they were made by Hyukjae himself, or someone else. And the behavior of being scared and nervous around others like he was, Heechul concluded that it couldn’t only be self harm. It was most likely caused by someone else.
“Thank you…” Hyukjae’s sniff interrupted Heechul’s thoughts and he took the cup the boy held out to him.
“Do you want some more?” He smiled and got up from the chair. Hyukjae shook his head and buried his face in the blanket. Heechul put the cup down in the sink for tomorrow’s dishes and stepped back to Hyukjae.
“I-I’m sleepy.” He heard the boy mumble into the fabric without looking up, and Heechul only nodded and gently patted his back.
“Let’s go to sleep then.” For the second time they slowly walked through the staircase and into Hyukjae’s room. Heechul felt lucky none of the other kids had woken up; otherwise they would have gotten out of their beds as well. As Hyukjae had rolled back into bed he quickly pulled the covers up to his nose and glanced at Heechul who sat next to the bed.
“I’ll be f-fine now Heechul-sshi…T-thank you.”
“Are you sure?” Hyukjae nodded and buried his face in his pillow.
“Okay. Rest well then. Good night.”
Heechul stepped outside the room and left the door ajar. For a moment he lingered behind the door and he soon heard new sobs that filled up Hyukjae’s room. He sighed because he knew there was nothing to do, since the boy obviously wanted him to leave. The clock was a quarter to four so Heechul didn’t find much reason to go back to sleep since he’d soon wake up anyways. Instead, he settled outside Hyukjae’s room to guard if he would be needed again. It wasn’t until two hours later Hyukjae had stopped his crying, and falling asleep.
~*~
Not a single moment had he found any peace to sleep, because of last night’s call. The conversation was played over and over in his head as well as the crying he heard when Heechul picked up his call, his guilt eating him even more for each time it was repeated. He didn’t want Hyukjae to cry like that. When Hyukjae cried, he had always been able to hold him in a comforting manner. He was the one who was able to wipe off those tears from the boy’s cheeks and take out that precious laughter instead.
He wanted to continue being that only person who could do that.
Donghae took off from his job the next day so he could drive to Heechul’s, because the guilt of leaving the wrong impression to Hyukjae had been eating him the whole night and leaving him without any rest. He hadn’t much thoughts about that this was their first meet after almost a week from being apart, or what he even should tell Hyukjae.
It was still only eight in the morning, but Donghae didn’t hesitate to knock the door, and moments later he was greeted by Heechul’s slightly annoyed face. The red puffy eyes Heechul had didn’t go unnoticed as well.
“Good it’s you, because I bet it’s your fault the boy has been crying in his bed non-stop since your phone call.” The man literally pulled Donghae inside by his arm and shoveled him toward the staircase.
Yeah, hurt one of Heechul’s “kids” and the witch within will wake up and curse you.
Donghae didn’t mind the rude Heechul too much though, because he knew he’d get even more scolded later on. But it hurt him more when he realized Heechul just said Hyukjae had been crying all night. He really hurt him bad this time.
“Ryeowook-ah” Heechul then suddenly said sweetly towards a small boy sitting on the couch in the living room and glancing back nervously at the two men. “You can start the movie if you want to. Hyung will come down after helping Donghae upstairs okay?”
Donghae couldn’t believe how the black-haired male could change his personality so easy 180 degrees just like that - but also impressed, because of the softness he had towards the kids he worked with. He really took good care of them.
The older man then turned back to Donghae and shoved him a little to make him walk upstairs. They met Hyorin half-way up, and the girl smiled brightly.
“Oppa! I haven’t seen you for so long here! You should visit here more often.” The girl pouted cutely and Heechul scoffed.
“You’re soon out of here anyways, so it doesn’t matter. Just go down and help Ryeowook if he needs it. And if you’re going out, be back at before it gets dark, okay?”
The girl giggled and patted Heechul’s shoulder, then strutted down the rest of the stairs while humming an “okay”.
The two men proceeded up the stairs until they reached the second floor.
“Second door to the right is Eunhyuk’s room.” Heechul pointed at the direction. “I think he actually really needs you Donghae, so don’t say the wrong things - got it?” Donghae was given a sharp glare.
“Yes hyung. Thank you.”
The older male nodded and went back down, and Donghae made his way towards the door. The short distance to the room felt so long when thinking about what he should say to Hyuk. He was the one who made the boy even sadder at a time like this, so it was his duty to make it better.
After waiting outside the door, also hearing the muffled crying which made his heart hurt, the door slid open and he took a step into the dark room. The blinders didn’t allow any of the morning sun sneak through the window. The door closed again and Donghae walked while watching the shaking lump underneath the sheets that didn’t seem like it had heard his entrance.
“Hyukjae-ah,” Donghae started off softly to make his presence known. The lump stopped moving -even the breathing was held in for a little while. A hiccup echoed though the silence and Donghae couldn’t hold back his smile at the cute sound. “Hyukkie.”
Hyukjae wanted to cry more and louder as he realized it was Donghae speaking to him, using that gentle tone he had loved to hear so much and even addressed him with a cute nickname. Why did he even bother to come here? He felt a hand rubbing his back comfortingly and the crying was pushed back.
“Hyukkie… Is it okay for me to remove the covers?”
The lump at the pillow moved in a motion telling him that ‘No, you can’t.’
He sat quiet for a while, still stroking Hyukjae’s back through the covers since the boy didn’t seem to mind. It felt so good to have some contact with him again.
“Then, will you at least let me explain myself?” There was no motion under the covers, but he continued anyways. “I got to think a lot last night, thanks to you.”
Hyukjae let out a sob, making Donghae’s heart hurt for real as his pressure of his hand increased on Hyukjae’s back.
“I never really considered your feelings enough about all of this. I’ve been thinking too much about myself.
“But I was scared, you know. Of course it might be nothing compared to your emotions, but I really got a fright when knowing your situation. Almost - for some really ridiculously reason - I thought that you were using me to get over your own fears.”
He took a break to let the boy take in all the information. “I was afraid that you were seeing me as a substitute parent, and mixed up your feelings for love and gratefulness. I know it’s really stupid, and you were so brave because you dared to be with me by your own will. Hyukjae, I’m really sorry for even doubting your sincere feelings. And I’m sorry I’m not perfect for being your…boyfriend. But I still want to protect you. But I’ve made you cry, and I didn’t realize I hurt you so it makes me feel I’m not good enough for you.”
Hyukjae let out a crying sigh and pulled down the cover himself, wet, red eyes locked themselves at Donghae’s dark ones, and the latter smiled his usual warm smile because he finally got to see Hyukjae.
“I-I hate you…” was the first thing the boys said while glaring with tearful eyes.
It hurt badly, but Donghae knew he kind of deserved those words from Hyukjae right now. His smile faltered because Hyukjae’s eyes really did express some kind of hate in them. The room fell silent aside from the still lingering sniffs from Hyukjae. Donghae took a deep breath and re-seated himself a bit further back from the boy, but he never let their eye contact break. Donghae’s eyes were soft in contrast to Hyukjae’s sharp, glaring ones.
Without any warning, Donghae started singling quietly, just the way he had done over the phone yesterday. Hyukjae’s eyes widened slightly, and the anger in them slowly faded away as he listened to the peaceful voice filling up the room with a tender touch in it. The warmth of another hand reached his and held it so softly and if he wanted to pull it away he could have, but he let it stay right where it was, inside of Donghae’s.
The face and expressions Donghae made while singing was something he hadn’t shown for Hyukjae before. It was more emotions spread across his face as he looked both happy and sad at the same time.
Donghae kept his promise from their conversation last night, that he would sing to him again. He couldn’t help but smile a little croakily. The feelings of wanting to hate Donghae were flushed away now that he was able to see him again.
Then there was silence covering the room as Donghae stopped singing. Instead of words, they had been switched to using eyes conveying their love as they looked at each other. Donghae sneaked down under the covers to at last being able to hug that body he had longed for a long while.
Hyukjae didn’t hesitate to dive for Donghae’s chest either, and started to cry silently again.
“Oh Hyuk, please don’t cry” the brunette cooed while stroking away the hair at Hyukjae’s forehead and gave it a peck. The boy did as he was told and then took a deep shaky breath to stop himself. He already had a massive headache since he had been crying too much non-stop the last few hours.
“I’m so sorry for hurting you Hyuk. I’m so sorry…”
Hyukjae only shook his head and pressed his face closer to Donghae’s chest so he could feel the heartbeats.
“And you know what. The red hair color is amazing.”
---
Half an hour had passed by of Donghae laying together on Hyukjae’s bed with the said boy in his arms, his hand burying themselves in Hyukjae’s hair and gently massage his scalp.
“Hae… Are you… still unsure about… about us?” Two adorable puppy eyes looked up at Donghae’s face, afraid of hearing something he didn’t want to, but a smile decorated his lips as he saw the other man smile.
“Of course not. I’ve realized that I really do love and care about you Hyuk.” He stroked away a couple strands of hair that hung over the boy’s eyes.
”Then, can I go back with you?” Hope sparkled in Hyukjae’s eyes, but Donghae shook his head hesitatingly.
“About that -“
“Why are you doing this to me?” Hyukjae cried and pushed Donghae weakly away from him. “You just said y-you wanted to protect me, and now -“
“Hyuk, listen to me. It’s not that I don’t want you with me, because I do. But I want you to trust the rest of the world, and not only me. Sooner or later I won’t be able to stand right next to you, and then I want you to be capable to take care of yourself. That’s why I want you to stay away for a little bit. I promise that this is no excuse for me to be away from you. I’m sincere when I say that I love you.”
“I can take care of myself; it’s just you who treats me like I can’t…”
“That’s great! Then I won’t be able to baby you while you’re here.”
Hyukjae let out a crying sigh.
“I don’t want you to be sad or hurt because of this. I don’t know what you’ve gone through Hyuk, but I want you to build up some more confidence. Do you understand how I’m thinking?”
The boy nodded without looking at Donghae.
“Stay here for one more week. Let Heechul help you the way he can, and get along with Sungmin and Ryeowook. Hyorin is a very happy soul, so you can talk to her as well. Please, do this for me and I promise I will come for you in one week’s time.”
“I’m not sure if I can.”
“Look at me, Hyukjae.” Donghae’s two fingers pressed under Hyukjae’s chin to tilt his head up to look at him. “Do your best. I know you can.”
“What if you don’t come?”
“I promise I will. Never will I break my promises, so believe me please.” Donghae kissed Hyukjae’s forehead and looked honestly into the red-head’s eyes. “If something’s on your mind, then just give me a call.”
Donghae had lied together with Hyukjae until the boy had peacefully fallen asleep right next to him. He hadn’t realized how much he cared for Hyukjae and not either how much he had meant for the boy. It made him both happy, yet sad because now he understood it must have taken really hard on Hyukjae to leave him as well.
He did his best to get out of the bed without waking Hyukjae up, and tucked the covers over the boy properly so he wouldn’t freeze. Then he proceeded down the stairs and into the kitchen where he found Heechul preparing lunch for the kids.
Heechul gave him a glance asking “how did it go?” as he saw the younger man enter.
“He’s asleep.”
“Good.” Heechul left what he was doing for the moment and turned fully to Donghae. “I know I shouldn’t compare you to me in these kinds of situations, but are you fucking dumb?”
Ouch.
“Why would you spit something that is so hard for him to take? I thought you knew he’s sensible!” Heechul kept his voice low, but Donghae could still hear the deadly tone in it.
“And I thought you were the one on the phone. I asked for you, but he obviously stayed on the line.” He argued back. He regretted that he didn’t wait for Heechul to have spoken first in the phone, but if Hyukjae hadn’t heard him say that, he probably wouldn’t have come here today. Then maybe he was glad Hyukjae never passed over the phone.
“Do you have any idea how much that boy missed you?”
“I didn’t.” Donghae said with a hopeless voice, sloping down on a chair at the dining table.
“Let’s just say I chopped off both of your hands,” Heechul turned to look at him while holding up a kitchen knife in his right hand. “- as much as you would miss your hands, that’s probably how much he has missed, and pained after you.”
“Hyung…” Donghae sighed, not in the mood of any jokes but the look Heechul gave him hadn’t a single drop of humor in it.
“I don’t understand how you two could start something together when you don’t understand each other.”
“Heechul, you’re not helping me a piss right now so stop it.” The brunette felt a headache coming in as he leaned his head forwards to dip it into his palms. Heechul held up his hands in surrender and continued chopping the vegetables.
“You told me he got away after being in a bad relationship with his father.” Heechul started again. He was trying to get as much information as possible about Hyukjae’s past.
“That’s right.”
“And he was also sick when you first found him, so he must have been treated badly recently. I’m feeling suspicious towards the father, but it’s nothing we can do.”
“His father?” Donghae looked up at the other. “Just because they were in a bad relationship?”
Heechul remembered he hadn’t told Donghae about Hyukjae’s father was looking for him. But since Hankyung had promised to take care of it, he didn’t want to worry either Donghae or Hyukjae about it.
“Have you considered that Eunhyuk might have been raped?”
“Hyung!”
“I’m dead serious Donghae. Those things are not rare, even though he’s a boy. I just want you to have that in mind that that might be the problem within Eunhyuk. It could be a perfect reason for him to become the way he is.”
Donghae looked down at the table and thought about it. To be exposed to something like that could definitely cause Hyukjae to flinch at a body contact. The memory of him hovering over Hyukjae naked and the way he had started crying definitely made Donghae want to punch himself. What if it really was like that? And Donghae almost had sex with him. That could have been the reason for Hyukjae to cry.
But being treated like that from his own father?
He took a deep breath and tried thinking about any hints Hyukjae had made towards his father.
“I heard him sleep talking once,” he said and thought about it carefully. “- and then he mentioned his dad. Right after he woke up crying.” Heechul nodded, adding more reasons why to be suspicious to Hyukjae’s dad.
“Can’t we just sue him then?” Donghae looked quite desperate when he raised his head at Heechul’s direction, but the man shook his head which made the corners of Donghae’s lips fall.
“It’s not that easy Donghae-ah. Evidence is needed, and we don’t even know if it’s him.”
“But if Hyuk says he’s done anything, then it would work!”
“As I said, evidence is needed Hae. You can’t just stroll into the police office and say you’ve been abused or raped by someone, it doesn’t work that way. At least witnesses are needed.”
“Have you seen his scars, Heechul! He’s been hurt, isn’t that evidence enough?”
“Calm down Donghae.” Heechul had to walk over to his dongsaeng and push him down on his seat so he wouldn’t panic or something. “Self-harm among kids these days are normal. It’s not enough. I’m sorry.”
“Anyway, I’m letting him stay here for one more week.”
“Fuck Donghae, he cried all night because he misses you, you can’t -“
“He agreed to it. It’s not because I can’t stand him, I just want him to be less independent on me. If we are supposed to have a relationship, then he can’t lean on me all the time, he must be able to do some things alone.” “I will support him as much as possible. And I will call him every day until I come and pick him up, so please help him through with this, okay?”
“If he has another breakdown, you need to be here within an hour.”
---
Before leaving again, Donghae went into Hyukjae’s bedroom to say good bye. The boy was still asleep, and he didn’t want to leave without any words again, so he simply sat on a chair next to the bed and waited for Hyukjae to wake up.
The previous conversation he had with Heechul waked up in his head again and the words of Hyukjae being raped made him frown. He looked at Hyukjae’s sleeping face and couldn’t see any possible reason for any human being to hurt that innocent boy.
“I’m so sorry Hyuk.” He whispered and stroked the boy’s soft hair gently.
It took almost another two hours for Hyukjae to wake up again. At first he looked very sad as he blinked his eyes to wake up properly, but then he saw Donghae sitting next by the bed and smiled brighter than he had done in days.
“Hey there, sleeping beauty” Donghae smiled and crouched down beside the bed instead, to come more face to face with Hyukjae. The boy blushed at the other’s words and Donghae felt so happy to see his cute Hyuk again. “Did you sleep well?”
Hyukjae reached out to take Donghae’s fingers into his hand before answering, and then nodded with a small smile.
“But I thought I only dreamed you were here.” He pouted and started playing with Donghae’s fingers, and the brunette couldn’t help but lift his other hand and caress the boy’s cheek.
“I’m sorry I’ve been gone from you for too long. And also, I have to leave now.” It clenched around Donghae’s heart again when he saw the disappointment in Hyukjae’s eyes.
“I’ll call you tonight, okay? And every night until I come next Thursday to pick you up. How does that sound?”
Hyukjae nodded with a tired smile, and Donghae kissed his hand and gave his cheek one last caress before standing up.
“Sleep some more so you won’t fall sick.”
It took the two of them a minute to look at each other before Hyukjae managed to let go of Donghae’s fingers, then seeing him pass through the door. Before closing, he sent Hyukjae a big, bright smile.
One week.
~*~
A/N: I decided to split chapter eight in two, just so you can have a little update before I might take 98436 years to update next. I’m sorry it’s short.
But the reason I’m slow with my updating is because I need to focus on school. It can depend on how I’m doing if I’m allowed to Japan or not(‘cuz I have applied to my school I want to go there), and I just want to say that going there has been my dream since 6 years back, so understand me when I want to fight a little more for that before laying my time on other things.
And I apologise for Heechul not appearing like he’s doing anything for Hyuk… I don’t have fantasy enough to come up with ways a therapist (or whatever Heechul is) does… I just don’t think it seems okay to start asking about his past after such a short while of knowing each other, since he hadn’t even told Donghae yet.
Hope you’re not angry with Hae anymore *blink blink* And Hyukjae just loves Donghae too much to hate him, that’s why he’s so forgiving, even though he maybe shouldn’t… After all, Donghae’s the one who he feels the most safe with.
And rn, lj is messing with me, so I hope the text came out properly -_- If not, please tell me.
Thank you for reading and commenting~
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