[ Looking up and, okay, seriously, what the hell, Tony? ] Don't hold it like that.
[ Rhodey'll just step in and save you, shall he? Taking the baby from you and settling it (her? him?) against his shoulder. He's not in uniform, so the drooling doesn't matter so much. ] Where did you find a baby?
I'm fluent in gibberish. I understand you, don't I?
[ But okay, yes. Focusing. There's a baby. In his arms. A baby that Tony brought in. ]
Child services? The police, maybe? If someone's missing it they probably called the police, right? [ and if no one's missing it, if the baby was willfully abandoned-- Rhodey keeps his hands from tightening, keeps his hold on the child gentle, but it's a close thing. ]
Oh God you're really going to cast me as the girl in this relationship, aren't you? Tony. [ And he'd come up with a better reply than that, usually, but there's a baby in his arms and it's distracting. That's his excuse and he's sticking to it.
Make it stop, he says. Like Rhodey knows any better than Tony what to do with a child.
Okay, actually, he probably does know better, so that's fair. Rhodey kind of lifts the baby, supporting its head and makes a face at it. ]
[Tony is holding the baby awkwardly, hands holding it up under its tiny arms, the rest of its body hanging in the air.]
Jesus Christ it's drooling.
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[ Looking up and, okay, seriously, what the hell, Tony? ] Don't hold it like that.
[ Rhodey'll just step in and save you, shall he? Taking the baby from you and settling it (her? him?) against his shoulder. He's not in uniform, so the drooling doesn't matter so much. ] Where did you find a baby?
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Focus, Rhodey. It's a-- baby and unless you can speak gibberish, we're gonna have a hell of a time figuring out where its parents are.
[He squints at it... it's so... fat...and small. And helpless.]
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[ But okay, yes. Focusing. There's a baby. In his arms. A baby that Tony brought in. ]
Child services? The police, maybe? If someone's missing it they probably called the police, right? [ and if no one's missing it, if the baby was willfully abandoned-- Rhodey keeps his hands from tightening, keeps his hold on the child gentle, but it's a close thing. ]
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Okay.
But if they think we're a couple, I'm going to tell them you're the femme in this relationship.
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[ All the affection in the world in those words but really, Tony. ]
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[He shoves his hands in his pockets-- then makes a face when the child starts crying]
Wow-- make it stop.
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Make it stop, he says. Like Rhodey knows any better than Tony what to do with a child.
Okay, actually, he probably does know better, so that's fair. Rhodey kind of lifts the baby, supporting its head and makes a face at it. ]
Right. How.
[ Pause. ] We're going to need diapers.
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[Scrunches face in confusion.]
What- how can you tell?
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Backside.
[Takes a step away from the-- creature in Rhodey's arms]
It's all on you, Rhodes.
[He opens his phone and sends a video message]
Pepper? Order like five thousand packages of diapers. And no it's not what you think.
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Yeah, thanks for that.
Do something useful. Download some fucking videos on how to change diapers, will you. [ so much for not swearing around the baby. ]
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Now I'm going to leave the room. Like an adult.
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[ That is not an edge of panic you hear. That is manly pride and unwillingness to suffer through this alone. ]
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[They're really bad at not cussing in front of infants]
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[ ALL THE FROWNING. ]
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