170. want to talk but the words get stuck in my throat

[boughtyourhouse]

HARDEST WORDS TO SAY

Sometimes the hardest things to say are also the most important. It doesn't matter how much it scares you to do so, it's finally time to be honest.

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Comments

this is bad and we should feel bad

[witchbuster]

Hey, Kid? We need to talk about something.

yes you should

[hatetodismiss]

[Kid is sitting on the sofa, reading a book, absently petting Pip. He's been in a very good mood recently, content with his life here in Vatheon, happy with his relationship with Maka. Everything is going well, and nothing could possibly go wrong.]

Yes, Maka?

YOU ARE THE MOST HORRIBLE OF ALL

[witchbuster]

[...Ha-ha-ha, here goes.]

You know how I said that it's okay for us to not...y'know, do it?

POSSIBLY

[hatetodismiss]

[He feels himself go cold, feels everything tilt sideways out of balance.]

... yes.

[He carefully stands.]

[witchbuster]

[Yes, there's the guilty feeling sinking in. Right there. In the pit of her stomach.]

Well...I...

[This isn't a conversation she should be having with a MAN, what on earth did she get herself into.]

I made a mistake. Saying that. Because I...want to. I'm still nervous about it, but with you it'd be okay, it wouldn't be as scary. I want to do all the stupid cuddling afterward, too. I want to fall asleep next to you.

But you can't do that and it's selfish to want you to...so...um...I think I should leave.

[hatetodismiss]

[It's not that he can't. He just has no interest at all. He never has.

He can try, of course, for her sake. If she wants to, he can always try...]

It's selfish of me to refuse to give you something that [completely disgusts him] would make you happy, Maka. After all, relationships are about compromise.

[That last phrase of hers doesn't even register.]

[witchbuster]

[Can't, won't, same difference.]

But it wouldn't make you happy. It'd make you sick.

[hatetodismiss]

[Yes, it would. It's disgusting.]

That doesn't matter.

[Of course it matters.]

[witchbuster]

It really does matter. So.

[So he'd get pissy if she suggested they broke up for reasons of her getting too personal with the weird human urges.]

...I won't bring it up again.

[hatetodismiss]

Maka, this is obviously very important to you. I am not going to leave this unresolved. [She'll just throw it back in his face at some point, let it fester until it poisons.]

[witchbuster]

[And the sad thing is it's totally true.] But we can't do anything about it except ignore it.

[hatetodismiss]

We can't ignore it.

[witchbuster]

Then what do you want to do? I know what you DON'T want to do, but what do you want to do?

[hatetodismiss]

I don't know. You're the one who decided to change the terms of our relationship. [He's off balance and snappy and almost scared. But Death the Kid somehow exists without the "flight" component of a fight-or-flight reaction, and so fear translates into something much like anger.]

[witchbuster]

I--am not! I don't want to change anything except that...that...I can't do this anymore, I can't just pretend I'm happy with a relationship where I constantly feel like I'm some disgusting anomaly or always doing the wrong thing and putting pressure on you just by being a human!

I love you but I'm not perfect. I never have been, I never will be, I never can be.

[hatetodismiss]

...

[He's cold inside. He's going to be sick. He's going to vomit up blood on the floor and shake and shake and pass out and scream until something happens.

He doesn't do any of that. He just asks a question.]

Do you want to end our relationship?

[His vision is blurring, going red/white/black on the edges.]

Would you rather be involved with someone who wants to have sex with you? Would that make you happier?