Fic: Three immortals go into a pub...
Title: Three immortals go into a pub...
Fandoms: Merlin, Torchwood, Misfits
Characters: Merlin, Jack Harkness, Nathan Young
Pairings: Merlin/Arthur
Disclaimer: I don’t own Merlin or Torchwood or Misfits… aww
Summary: A sophisticated night on the town… or maybe not
Spoilers: None
Rating: R for bad language
A/N: This was written for a kinkme_merlin prompt
“Why do we always have to invite him?” Jack shook his head as Nathan jumped up onto the bar and began an impromptu striptease to ‘I Believe in Miracles’.
“Because he’s one of us” the sorcerer answered.
“Huh, speak for yourself. Did you see how much money he put in the jukebox? We’ve heard this song three times already and I know for a fact this won’t be the last.”
“He’s… clearly grieving.” Merlin said as he watched the dancing Irishman leap from the bar in only his pants and socks and began bowing at the room in general. The elderly couple to his right did not seem amused by his antics.
“We’re all grieving, that’s what this whole thing is about. But he could at least do it with a little-” Nathan cut Jack off as he began shimmying towards the toilets.
“One of you queers get me a pint, and there had better not be any roofies in it. When I give up my sweet anal virginity it will be for cold hard cash!”
“-class” Jack grimaced and signaled to the barman for another pint of Guinness. “I’ve known the guy for decades and I’m still not sure if I want to punch him or hug him…”
Merlin chuckled into his lager and then took a large gulp. They always started with pints and then moved onto the heavier stuff later on in the evening. This was how it always went. They got drunk, very very drunk, then they talked and brooded over past loves.
Merlin would talk about waiting for Arthur, Jack would talk about people he’d loved dying in his arms, and Nathan would steal a traffic cone and refuse to take it off his head for all of five minutes until he realized that Merlin should be the one with the pointy hat. He’d then scrawl ‘WIZZARD’ onto it with a black marker. From here the night could go anywhere… but it usually ended with one or all three of them returning to life the next day with a bloody great hangover.
***
“Arse-licker!”
And that was another pub the trio were now banned from. That part didn’t bother them so much, they had all the time in the world to wait out a pub ban, it was the fact that now they would have to find another half decent pub with suitably dark corners in which to brood.
“His hair was golden, like… like the sun… and pure spun… erm… whatsit, gold! Eyes like the sky after a heavy storm and-“
“And a monster cock? Did he have a monster cock too?”
Merlin sighed the sigh of drunken tolerance and leaned into Jack’s shoulder. “He had a very nice cock actually,” he told Nathan, and smiled a little sadly. Jack wrapped his arm around the sorcerer's waist and tugged him along.
“Your turn to find the next pub Nathan,” Jack said to the man now trying to see if he could successfully scale a lamppost. He could not.
“Is that right Butch? And why would it be my turn? Get Fairy Boy to choose, I don’t give a shit.”
Merlin giggled from inside Jack’s coat where he was trying to hide himself. “It’s your turn because *hick* you said the barman wanted to touch your cock.”
“He had the shifty look of a closet pervert and he was reaching toward my whole…” Nathan waved a hand in front of his crotch. “…my whole groinal area.”
“He was collecting empties,” Jack muttered as he removed Merlin from inside his coat and buttoned his shirt back up. Merlin stood unaided for about ten seconds before his knees gave out and Nathan caught him about the shoulders.
“I am not some cheap empty glass waiting for that perverted barman to fill me with his love juice! Isn’t that right Fairy Boy?” Nathan shook Merlin and the sorcerer’s head wobbled quickly from side to side.
“Urgh… please don’t do that.”
Nathan stared hard at Merlin’s head for a full minute before he declared. “We need to find you a hat!”
Nathan let go of Merlin, who was immediately caught by Jack, and made off down the street in search of traffic cones.
***
“A dragon,” Jack said. Merlin waved his hand in front of him and the large cloud above them seemed to melt into the shape of a powerful looking dragon, with what looked like fire shooting from its mouth.
“Mick Hucknall,” Nathan muttered. Merlin’s eyes glowed golden and what could very well be an image of the singer Mick Hucknall, appeared in the sky above where they lay on the grass. Nathan reached over to Merlin and grabbed the forgotten traffic cone from where it had been resting above his head. Nathan held it, point up, and proceeded to shoot the Mick Hucknall visage with it.
“Shik-shik, bang! Shik-shik, bang! Shik-shik, bang!” At the third bang, Merlin’s eyes glowed once more and the image appeared to be torn apart by a strong wind. Jack giggled and took a swig of the cheap vodka they’d bought at an all night off licence, much of it dribbling down his cheek, and passed it to Merlin.
“You’re a crappy shot Nathan, I’da got’im first time.”
“Shove it up yer arse Butch. In fact, no, don’t. I don’t wanna have to lie here while you pleasure yourself, with nothin’ but a legless wizard for company.” Nathan grabbed the bottle from Merlin, who’d been trying to get the vodka to pour carefully into his mouth without raising his head. Suffice to say, most of it had gone in his hair. Nathan took a long pull from the bottle, almost retching on the taste, but managing to keep it down, and smiled at the victory over his own body.
“M’not legless,” Merlin protested, and reached down to grab his right leg. Once he had it in his grip he lifted it and showed it proudly to Nathan. “See, there’s one... and the other one is prob’ly down there too...”
Nathan shook his head. “Remind me why I hang out with you fudge packers again.”
“Cos you’ve got no one else,” Jack muttered quietly. “None of us have anyone else...”
“Not true.” Nathan pointed at Jack. “I have loads of friends I just don’t want them to meet you sad twats.” Nathan pulled himself up onto his feet, took a minute to make sure he wasn’t going back down again, and starting running down the hill. Swaying from side to side. “Last one into the river is a floppy cock!” He shouted back.
Jack shook his head and helped Merlin up with him, not forgetting the vodka bottle that Merlin had, for some reason, picked the label clean off. “This is going to end in death.”
“These nights always do,” Merlin said. “The sad part is, we’ll be back tomorrow.”
“He could be out there you know, maybe you should be out looking and not hanging around with us sad fools.”
“He’s not out there, I would know,” The sorcerer spoke in resignation. “And anyway, who would get you two out of trouble all the time.” Merlin gestured down the hill to where Nathan was now stripped completely nude and appeared to be setting up an impressive dive into extremely shallow water.
“Come on you giant cock munchers! I’m gunna beat ya!”
Jack laughed, threw Merlin over his shoulder in a fireman carry, and shot off down the hill.
***
Jack gasped in a large breath as life surged back into his cold soaked body and immediately turned over and retched rank river water from out of his lungs.
The last thing he remembered was Nathan attempting to dunk him under the water as Merlin floated on his back and tried to move the stars around in the sky. He didn’t succeed but he did manage to scare the crap out of a passing pigeon. After that things got distinctly blurry...
“Are you staring at my arse Butch?” Jack glanced over at Nathan who was lying on his stomach, completely naked, and also trying to clear his lungs of water. “Now, I know I’m an impressive piece of ass Harkness, but that is no excuse for you mentally fucking me with your eyes. I’m sure you’re a brilliant shag and all that, but I just don’t swing that way.”
“Shut the hell up little boy, where’s Merlin?”
“Less of the little, thanks very much.”
Jack waved Nathan’s complaint aside and cast his gaze around for the elusive wizard. Hearing a low groaning noise from a little way away, Jack staggered to his feet and walked unsteadily towards it.
‘It’, of course, being Merlin, who was currently curled up into a tight little ball, clutching at his head and groaning. The last time Jack had seen such a pathetic sight was the morning after their last little get-together when he’d found Merlin in the corner of an abandoned warehouse trying to crawl into his own shoe.
“Make it stop, oh please make it stop.”
“Make what stop Merlin?” Jack chuckled.
“Everything,” Merlin whimpered. Nathan, of course, chose this moment to make a loud appearance.
“Oi Fairy Boy! Magic me up some clothes would you? I’m freezing my balls off here.”
Merlin slowly stretched an arm out of his huddle and directed his right hand towards Nathan’s very loud voice.
“Oh ha ha,” the youngest immortal said, glancing down at his Borat style mankini. “Magic me up some real clothes or I’m gunna start singing, loudly, and it won’t be pretty... and then I’ll describe fried food, in detail.”
Merlin groaned again and suddenly all three were dry and Nathan was wearing the clothes he had discarded the previous night when it had seemed like a fine idea to go for a swim.
“That’s better. Well, it’s been emotional. I will see you fags next time.” Nathan pointed at them both then turned without waving, and began making his way back up the hill. Jack smiled after him and sat down next to Merlin, who was beginning to uncurl himself. Aviators suddenly appeared, balanced on his nose, and he seemed much calmer. Jack pulled him into his side and they sat and watched the river moving past.
“Do you have any idea where we are then?” Jack asked quietly after a little while.
“Not a clue,” Merlin answered just as quietly.
“Hmm, I give Nathan five minutes before he comes back.” Merlin laughed, winced, and buried himself more into Jack’s side.
It seemed like Merlin would be waiting for Arthur for a very long time. But at least he had friends to wait with, he thought.
Nathan threw himself to the ground on Jack’s other side. “Alright, where the fuck are we?”
Part 2
Fandoms: Merlin, Torchwood, Misfits
Characters: Merlin, Jack Harkness, Nathan Young
Pairings: Merlin/Arthur
Disclaimer: I don’t own Merlin or Torchwood or Misfits… aww
Summary: A sophisticated night on the town… or maybe not
Spoilers: None
Rating: R for bad language
A/N: This was written for a kinkme_merlin prompt
“Why do we always have to invite him?” Jack shook his head as Nathan jumped up onto the bar and began an impromptu striptease to ‘I Believe in Miracles’.
“Because he’s one of us” the sorcerer answered.
“Huh, speak for yourself. Did you see how much money he put in the jukebox? We’ve heard this song three times already and I know for a fact this won’t be the last.”
“He’s… clearly grieving.” Merlin said as he watched the dancing Irishman leap from the bar in only his pants and socks and began bowing at the room in general. The elderly couple to his right did not seem amused by his antics.
“We’re all grieving, that’s what this whole thing is about. But he could at least do it with a little-” Nathan cut Jack off as he began shimmying towards the toilets.
“One of you queers get me a pint, and there had better not be any roofies in it. When I give up my sweet anal virginity it will be for cold hard cash!”
“-class” Jack grimaced and signaled to the barman for another pint of Guinness. “I’ve known the guy for decades and I’m still not sure if I want to punch him or hug him…”
Merlin chuckled into his lager and then took a large gulp. They always started with pints and then moved onto the heavier stuff later on in the evening. This was how it always went. They got drunk, very very drunk, then they talked and brooded over past loves.
Merlin would talk about waiting for Arthur, Jack would talk about people he’d loved dying in his arms, and Nathan would steal a traffic cone and refuse to take it off his head for all of five minutes until he realized that Merlin should be the one with the pointy hat. He’d then scrawl ‘WIZZARD’ onto it with a black marker. From here the night could go anywhere… but it usually ended with one or all three of them returning to life the next day with a bloody great hangover.
***
“Arse-licker!”
And that was another pub the trio were now banned from. That part didn’t bother them so much, they had all the time in the world to wait out a pub ban, it was the fact that now they would have to find another half decent pub with suitably dark corners in which to brood.
“His hair was golden, like… like the sun… and pure spun… erm… whatsit, gold! Eyes like the sky after a heavy storm and-“
“And a monster cock? Did he have a monster cock too?”
Merlin sighed the sigh of drunken tolerance and leaned into Jack’s shoulder. “He had a very nice cock actually,” he told Nathan, and smiled a little sadly. Jack wrapped his arm around the sorcerer's waist and tugged him along.
“Your turn to find the next pub Nathan,” Jack said to the man now trying to see if he could successfully scale a lamppost. He could not.
“Is that right Butch? And why would it be my turn? Get Fairy Boy to choose, I don’t give a shit.”
Merlin giggled from inside Jack’s coat where he was trying to hide himself. “It’s your turn because *hick* you said the barman wanted to touch your cock.”
“He had the shifty look of a closet pervert and he was reaching toward my whole…” Nathan waved a hand in front of his crotch. “…my whole groinal area.”
“He was collecting empties,” Jack muttered as he removed Merlin from inside his coat and buttoned his shirt back up. Merlin stood unaided for about ten seconds before his knees gave out and Nathan caught him about the shoulders.
“I am not some cheap empty glass waiting for that perverted barman to fill me with his love juice! Isn’t that right Fairy Boy?” Nathan shook Merlin and the sorcerer’s head wobbled quickly from side to side.
“Urgh… please don’t do that.”
Nathan stared hard at Merlin’s head for a full minute before he declared. “We need to find you a hat!”
Nathan let go of Merlin, who was immediately caught by Jack, and made off down the street in search of traffic cones.
***
“A dragon,” Jack said. Merlin waved his hand in front of him and the large cloud above them seemed to melt into the shape of a powerful looking dragon, with what looked like fire shooting from its mouth.
“Mick Hucknall,” Nathan muttered. Merlin’s eyes glowed golden and what could very well be an image of the singer Mick Hucknall, appeared in the sky above where they lay on the grass. Nathan reached over to Merlin and grabbed the forgotten traffic cone from where it had been resting above his head. Nathan held it, point up, and proceeded to shoot the Mick Hucknall visage with it.
“Shik-shik, bang! Shik-shik, bang! Shik-shik, bang!” At the third bang, Merlin’s eyes glowed once more and the image appeared to be torn apart by a strong wind. Jack giggled and took a swig of the cheap vodka they’d bought at an all night off licence, much of it dribbling down his cheek, and passed it to Merlin.
“You’re a crappy shot Nathan, I’da got’im first time.”
“Shove it up yer arse Butch. In fact, no, don’t. I don’t wanna have to lie here while you pleasure yourself, with nothin’ but a legless wizard for company.” Nathan grabbed the bottle from Merlin, who’d been trying to get the vodka to pour carefully into his mouth without raising his head. Suffice to say, most of it had gone in his hair. Nathan took a long pull from the bottle, almost retching on the taste, but managing to keep it down, and smiled at the victory over his own body.
“M’not legless,” Merlin protested, and reached down to grab his right leg. Once he had it in his grip he lifted it and showed it proudly to Nathan. “See, there’s one... and the other one is prob’ly down there too...”
Nathan shook his head. “Remind me why I hang out with you fudge packers again.”
“Cos you’ve got no one else,” Jack muttered quietly. “None of us have anyone else...”
“Not true.” Nathan pointed at Jack. “I have loads of friends I just don’t want them to meet you sad twats.” Nathan pulled himself up onto his feet, took a minute to make sure he wasn’t going back down again, and starting running down the hill. Swaying from side to side. “Last one into the river is a floppy cock!” He shouted back.
Jack shook his head and helped Merlin up with him, not forgetting the vodka bottle that Merlin had, for some reason, picked the label clean off. “This is going to end in death.”
“These nights always do,” Merlin said. “The sad part is, we’ll be back tomorrow.”
“He could be out there you know, maybe you should be out looking and not hanging around with us sad fools.”
“He’s not out there, I would know,” The sorcerer spoke in resignation. “And anyway, who would get you two out of trouble all the time.” Merlin gestured down the hill to where Nathan was now stripped completely nude and appeared to be setting up an impressive dive into extremely shallow water.
“Come on you giant cock munchers! I’m gunna beat ya!”
Jack laughed, threw Merlin over his shoulder in a fireman carry, and shot off down the hill.
***
Jack gasped in a large breath as life surged back into his cold soaked body and immediately turned over and retched rank river water from out of his lungs.
The last thing he remembered was Nathan attempting to dunk him under the water as Merlin floated on his back and tried to move the stars around in the sky. He didn’t succeed but he did manage to scare the crap out of a passing pigeon. After that things got distinctly blurry...
“Are you staring at my arse Butch?” Jack glanced over at Nathan who was lying on his stomach, completely naked, and also trying to clear his lungs of water. “Now, I know I’m an impressive piece of ass Harkness, but that is no excuse for you mentally fucking me with your eyes. I’m sure you’re a brilliant shag and all that, but I just don’t swing that way.”
“Shut the hell up little boy, where’s Merlin?”
“Less of the little, thanks very much.”
Jack waved Nathan’s complaint aside and cast his gaze around for the elusive wizard. Hearing a low groaning noise from a little way away, Jack staggered to his feet and walked unsteadily towards it.
‘It’, of course, being Merlin, who was currently curled up into a tight little ball, clutching at his head and groaning. The last time Jack had seen such a pathetic sight was the morning after their last little get-together when he’d found Merlin in the corner of an abandoned warehouse trying to crawl into his own shoe.
“Make it stop, oh please make it stop.”
“Make what stop Merlin?” Jack chuckled.
“Everything,” Merlin whimpered. Nathan, of course, chose this moment to make a loud appearance.
“Oi Fairy Boy! Magic me up some clothes would you? I’m freezing my balls off here.”
Merlin slowly stretched an arm out of his huddle and directed his right hand towards Nathan’s very loud voice.
“Oh ha ha,” the youngest immortal said, glancing down at his Borat style mankini. “Magic me up some real clothes or I’m gunna start singing, loudly, and it won’t be pretty... and then I’ll describe fried food, in detail.”
Merlin groaned again and suddenly all three were dry and Nathan was wearing the clothes he had discarded the previous night when it had seemed like a fine idea to go for a swim.
“That’s better. Well, it’s been emotional. I will see you fags next time.” Nathan pointed at them both then turned without waving, and began making his way back up the hill. Jack smiled after him and sat down next to Merlin, who was beginning to uncurl himself. Aviators suddenly appeared, balanced on his nose, and he seemed much calmer. Jack pulled him into his side and they sat and watched the river moving past.
“Do you have any idea where we are then?” Jack asked quietly after a little while.
“Not a clue,” Merlin answered just as quietly.
“Hmm, I give Nathan five minutes before he comes back.” Merlin laughed, winced, and buried himself more into Jack’s side.
It seemed like Merlin would be waiting for Arthur for a very long time. But at least he had friends to wait with, he thought.
Nathan threw himself to the ground on Jack’s other side. “Alright, where the fuck are we?”
Part 2