Sateda, part II
Mission Title: Sateda
Title: Sateda
Author: jenn1969
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Sporked by: Cadmar and Miah
Rating: T for Teenage Interrogation
Disclaimer: The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia, the original assassins. Neither of us own Stargate Atlantis, which is the property of Brad Wright and Robert C. Cooper. Sateda (the fic) is owned by jenn1969, who may keep it.
Warnings: Some bad language and innuendo
Thank you to our Beta readers: VM, Data_Junkie, Guvnor, and PoorCynic. Please note that Caddy and I claim any remaining mistakes. Our betas really went through a lot on this mission.
More stuff by Caddy-shack
Previous appearance: Mission 13: Sateda, part I
Sateda
Several days later, Cadmar and Miah were staring at each other, in the same closet as before. The only difference was that Cadmar was tied up by rope, with her wrists and ankles handcuffed.
“So...” Cadmar started awkwardly, “Here we are again.”
“Mmm hmm.” Miah shook her Anti-Lustin inhaler. It was nearly depleted, since it took several puffs every few hours to get Cadmar’s designs on glomping McKay under control. At least this fic was low on glitter, or they’d both be in trouble. “So, how badly are you wanting to glomp Dr. McKay, right now?”
Cadmar smiled sheepishly, “Not very. Sorry about that...” Cadmar wiggled a bit in her bindings, “The Nurses in Medical said this could happen. Bleepettes help a bit.”
“How many do you have left?”
“I would check, but I seem to be a bit tied up at the moment.” Cadmar grinned wryly.
“Well, that does seem to be the safest course of action under the circumstances. Here, I’ll check. Where do you keep them?”
Cadmar smiled a smile close to what Luxury usually did. “In my back pocket. Right side. Careful not to carass anything.”
Miah rolled her eyes. “The things I do to get The Duty accomplished,” she muttered as she pulled the Bleepettes out of Cadmar’s pocket. “Here.’ She held a Bleepette up to Cadmar’s mouth with one hand and flicked the lighter with the other hand.
Cadmar winked at Miah, “Was it good for you? I can’t wait to tell people about how you had me all tied up and handcuffed. With a little bit of left out context, I’m sure Cali would be interested to hear all about it.”
“He’d pout until it was no fun at all,” Miah said.
“I dunno Miah,” Cadmar exhaled some smoke away from Miah’s face, “From what Mark tells me, Cali was checking out your butt when he first met you. Very intently.”
“Reeeally? Interesting. Is that what that ‘dance moves’ comment was all about?” Miah grinned evilly.
Cadmar nodded. “Yep!” she coughed a couple of times, somehow keeping the Bleepette in her mouth, “We should totally tease him sometime.”
“You’ll have to kiss him or something first to head off any sulking. We could get away with a huge amount of teasing once you had his head spinning with your womanly wiles.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Cadmar leaned back, “So, until you’re sure I’m not going to molest McKay, what happened, it’s all kinda fuzzy...”
“Well, what’s-her-name stole Spiderman’s line, gave a contradictatory back/sob story, and gave a half-assed excuse at breaking up Ronon and Dr. Keller. Then her and Teyla went to New Athos and had ‘girl talk’.” Miah shuddered. Then she brightened. “At least that involved Teyla knocking Teagan around with her sticks.” Miah checked the words. “Things might be picking up a bit.”
Ronon was taking it easy on Sheppard since he wasn't 100% yet. But Sheppard kept getting the better of him anyway. Ronon was distracted. Sheppard could see his Chewy needed an ear more than a fist so he managed to knock Ronon off his big feet and on his back. Then he sat on him.
Cadmar began singing to the tune of a wedding, “Here comes the slash, all hot, don’t you dare bash!”
“Heh. Sounds about right,” Miah said.
"Spill what?" By now Ronon knew most Earth slang. He just needed encouragement to talk about anything!
"I'm gonna SIT on you till you TELL me what's wrong." Sheppard gave the 'you-know-I-mean-it' look while Ronon looked back with the 'you-know-you're-an-idiot' look.
“Bah! Now Ronon and Sheppard have turned into, into, I don’t know, but it’s not right.”
“Awww, they aren’t fighting anymore.” Cadmar wiggled. “Can I be free now? The ashes are falling on my legs, and I don’t want to catch fire.”
“Shift around a bit. I don’t trust you.” Miah kept reading the Words.
“Clever girl,” the bound girl replied, chuckling to herself.
Ronon revealed that he had broken up with Keller.
“Is it wrong of me that the first thing I thought there is to wonder whether Sheppard was planning to-”
“Take advantage of Ronon opening his mouth, because Sheppard is straddling him? Yeah, I was thinking the same thing, too.” Cadmar waggled her eyebrows.
Miah gave Cadmar an appreciative nod.
Cadmar huffed and leaned back again. “God, this is boring. I really need to p-oh! Look! Stuff is happening!” she hopped a few times on the spot, finding it hard to gain much air while tied so tightly.
In the briefing room Teagan is advised that SGA4 will be visiting a new planet that intel suggests may have an old ZPM. Sam decided to send SGA4 because their informant advised the planet is inhabited by a race that speaks an extremely strange language that no one has been able to decipher. She's hoping Teagan will be able to use her abilities to understand them and find that ZPM.
“So now she can speak weird languages?” Miah asked.
“Apparently. Hey, have you noticed how this is another mission with a bullshit premise. The first was for oil, which Atlantis doesn’t need. This one is for a ZPM, but how could they possibly think one is here, if no one can speak the language.” Cadmar shuffled over until she way laying against Miah’s back.
Miah glanced at Cadmar. “Can I help you?”
Cadmar yawned, “Nope. Just stay still. Me and Maria do this all the time, beats lazing around on a couch with Mark. He gets grouchy a lot when it’s crowded.” she snuggled a bit into Miah.
“Oh, okay. I guess that’s all right. I’m just not much of a snuggler, normally.”
As Cadmar made Miah slightly uncomfortable, Sheppard attempted to beat up Ronon, because of Ronon kissing Teagan. Ronon held back while fighting, because Sheppard was injured. He eventually pinned Sheppard in a very compromising position.
“Hey, maybe it’s going to get interesting. I wonder what Ronon is going to do with him now, eh?”
Cadmar giggled. “Dirty minded, Miah...” She yawned again.
“Well it looks like all we have for the next four hours is more innuendo-able apologies and inter-personal, High School level, OOC drama, and then we end up with a dramatically sick Sue. That might be fun to watch.” Miah set her alarm for 3 ½ hours.
“Okay...” Cadmar slurred, before letting out a loud snore.
***
Miah swatted at the annoying buzz in her ear until she realized that it was her alarm sounding in the Atlantis ear piece of her disguise.
She clipped a leash to the back of Cadmar’s belt, and tied the other end to her belt. Then she released Cadmar’s feet, and nudged her to wake her up.
“Hmm? Oh, right.” Cadmar yawned and stood up shakily, before looking at the leash. “Seriously?” she asked with a look at Miah.
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to deglomp you from McKay? The poor guy was clearly traumatized.”
Cadmar looked offended, “He was not! He was totally loving it!”
“I think you almost suffocated him,” Miah said dryly, looking pointedly at Cadmar’s chest.
Cadmar blushed, “S-so, moving on... We’re going to follow them on the mission?”
“Eh, I guess so. There’s a lot of puking from Teagan the Sue. I really hate puke. I usually end up joining in, but The Duty and all that.”
After a bit of traveling, the agents stood as quietly next to SGA4 as they could, hoping the SEP field would help make sure no one would wonder why one of them was tied up and being led along by the other.
“Luxury would love this,” Cadmar muttered while attempting to find something of interest to do. “Maybe Mckay is her-No! Bad! No thinking about him!”
“More inhaler, as soon as we get to the planet,” Miah said as they all endured several minutes of the Sue’s whinging about how horrible it was to be so special. They finally made it through the gate. The two agents started walking toward some Convenient Cover when they realized that the canons and Sue didn’t seem to be moving.
Cadmar squinted at the canons, “Are... are they moving in slow-mo?”
Miah stared at Lorne in comparison to a bush behind him. “I think you’re right, but what’s wrong with them?”
“Maybe they’re tied by invisible ropes or something. I hear being tied to stuff makes moving hard.” Cadmar said petulantly.
“I’m not untying you.”
Local aliens ran up and bounced around, jabbering in their language that no one understood. After several minutes, Teagan the Sue finally made it about twenty feet from the gate and fell, clutching her head and screaming.
Miah looked at Cadmar. “No obligation to save her from any torture she puts herself through, right?”
“Yeah, of course,” Cadmar said with bitterness. “Letting the Sue torture herself can’t possibly hurt,” she scowled and craned her neck downwards, attempting to bite the ropes binding her.
Miah hung her head. “I am so sorry! I didn’t mean.. I’m sorry!”
Cadmar shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. Seriously.” The gate activated again, and Ronon and Sheppard came through, the former picking Teagan up. “Looks like the cavalry has arrived. Hey, I wonder why they didn’t worry over Lorne being knocked out by touching Teagan?”
“And why none of the others managed to dial the gate while Lorne was unconscious. Seriously? Oh, look! More Ronon and Teagan action!”
The gate activated again, and a Dart, piloted by Micheal exited, capturing Ronon and Teagan.
“Well, they’re boned.” Cadmar said, finally giving up on reaching the ropes binding her.
“Yep. Magic rope by the way. Stole it from somewhere. Can’t even remember now. Shall we portal off to wherever Ronon and the Sue are?’
Cadmar smirked deviantly, “Of course, master,” she said with a bow, “my bonds to you will never be broken. Oh captain, my captain.”
Miah stuck her tongue out at Cadmar. The Author’s Note--not the in-text one--suddenly boomed around them.
Last chapter coming up next. Hope someone has enjoyed the story and love to hear any suggestions to make it better.
“Woohoo! Almost done!” Cadmar hopped for joy, knowing jumping would only end in her falling. “Then we can get back and take pictures of this.”
“Of what?” Miah asked naively as she opened the portal.
“You tying me up in amateur bondage. I’m sure it could sell for a high price around HQ, I can even get Luxury to help deal them out.” Cadmar grinned dirtily.
“I admit. That was almost good enough to get me to untie you right now.” Miah held up her finger and thumb, nearly touching. “But not quite.” She had a rather self-satisfied smile on her face as she opened the portal.
“Ha ha! Tying up the girl with emotional problems and sharp teeth, smart idea!” Cadmar paused. “Actually, yeah, that DOES sound smart...”
Miah shook her head. “Only in the PPC...”
Micheal unloaded his captives on a ship, where he showed off his competence by having planned ahead for his crew, described as rejects of other Wraith fleets, quickly incapacitated Teagan and Ronon.
“Okay. Do you ever remember Michael having a crew of Wraith after his queen turned on him?” Miah asked.
“Not that I can recall, he usually used beasts and stuff he made in his Mad Science experiments. And why the hell wouldn’t a queen want them? Queens have droves of drones simply around for no other reason than cannon fodder.”
“Yeah, I think a queen would rather eat drones than exile them. Michael did sneaky things to escape his queen. He really was a great bad guy.”
Micheal followed classic villain procedure by gloating, in his mind, over his success, and how he was going to rule the galaxy with a new race, by using Teagan.
“If he was that close to the plot with Teyla, then he definitely knew more about creating creatures than this indicates. He should have a Carson clone, an army of loyal Michael-things, and possibly a bunch of Athosians. I guess this could be before he kidnapped all the Athosians, though. Still, The Sue is taking over Teyla’s canon role.”
He had enough drugs to keep her in an induced coma for up to a year. In that time he planned on impregnating her with at least a dozen female offspring. But first he had to create viable embryos and THAT was his only weakness... that he foresaw.
Cadmar blinked, “That’s a pretty good plan. He’s actually showing competence for a badfic-ified villain. He’s ambitious, and is prepared for dealing with Teagan, and admits he has a few weaknesses in the beginning.” She smiled wryly, “I wonder if that much thought was actually put into it though, or if this is just dumb luck.”
“I’m going to be gracious and say dumb luck,” Miah said. “This is going to take some time. Let’s portal closer to the action and find some place to hide out”.
‘Alright!” Cadmar pulled the RA out and twisted it a few times, and then bopped it. A blue, egg-shaped portal opened. Interestingly enough, it looked like it was slightly pixelated. “Yes! I made a Diablo portal!”
“A Diablo portal?” Miah asked as she stepped through.
“Yeah!” Cadmar chirped. “from the old PC game. It’s pretty fun for being made way back in the nineteen nineties.”
“You do know that I am old enough to have graduated high school in the nineties, had I lived in World One,” Miah said drily.
Cadmar got a slightly nervous look on her face. “MY, you are wonderfully! You’re uh... pretty, yeah!”
“Wonderfully old? Yeah I know. This storeroom looks like a good place to hide for a while. Let me check if we can... Yep, we can see Michael’s lab through the vent here. Perfect. Now we wait, eh?”
“Yeah.”
***
An hour of idle waiting proved too much for Cadmar, who was laying on her stomach, playing her PSP. “Ah geez, Ganados breaking the door down, and I’m out of shotgun ammo. Balls.” Cadmar huffed.
“Cali had a dream about you,” Miah said suddenly, watching the game over Cadmar’s shoulder.
Cadmar froze, and almost dropped her PSP. She took a second to compose herself, and undid her ponytail, using her hair to shield the blush she had. “Is... is that right?” Cadmar mentally shook off her shock and decided to steer the topic in a more Someone-else-is-embarrassed direction. “Saw a few stains of white gunk while you were changing the sheets?”
“Why would I... Oh! No. He woke up screaming, and I found him hiding under the sheets like a five year old.”
Cadmar twitched a slight bit. “Un... un-huh? So he like, dreamt I was giving him ah... with the shark teeth...”
Miah stared at her until Cadmar squirmed, but she finally said, “Nnnnooo. You guys had just watched The Shining, and he dreamt that you were chasing him through the halls with an axe. He ran into our RC and it was empty, then you broke through with the axe and did that “Heeeeeere’s Johnnny!” thing. Then he screamed and woke up. Interesting where your mind went though.”
Cadmar tilted her head, wondering if she should feel insulted or proud. She decided to kick a Ganado through a second story window instead. “So... If I scare the piss out of him, why does he like me?”
“Because you don’t, I guess,” Miah said.
Cadmar blinked. “I don’t...? I don’t what?”
“He said that as he was waking up that he heard you laughing and saying it was all a joke. Once he had gotten over the surprise he seemed to think it was funny.”
Cadmar paused the game and looked to Miah with a huge smile, “He put me in the place of one of the biggest horror icons ever? That’s... that’s so sweet.”
Miah gave Cadmar a strange look. “If you say so.
Cadmar dramatically sniffled, “He gets me so well. He just earned like, a million points. I need to give him something nice when we get back.”
“That’s so sweet... I think,” Miah said watching Leon get chewed to bits by a not!zombie.
“Son of a bit-” Cadmar was cut off by Miah’s alarm going off, loud enough so they could hear it, but quiet enough so no on else could. “Well, it was fun while it lasted,” Cadmar sighed.
“Duty calls,” Miah announced. “Come on McKaLoy. Back in the bag.”
The mini muttered something about having to finish repairing the RA inside a jostling bag, but Miah wasn’t really paying attention to him, as he climbed back inside.
The two agents made their way to an alcove above the room Michael was holding Teagan, and now Ronon in. They saw Ronon kink a line of medication running into Teagan, hoping that it would allow her to awaken from her medically induced sleep.
"What are you doing?" Forever to the point, our Ronon. Michael smiled. Terrifying, really. A Wraith smiling.
“Is she talking directly to us?” Cadmar asked with distaste, “That’s really... distracting from the story.” She re-focused on Michael’s evil monologue.
Micheal went on to explain that he was at a dead end in his plan to conquer the galaxy. The problem was that the Wraith DNA, and Human eggs were not mixing, and thus he could not create his super soldier army. He made a remark about not being able to use his own DNA at first because Wraith didn’t have sperm, thus the dead end.
“Wait a minute, his plan sounds like something Micheal would cook up, what with the lack of feelings for others, brutal use of SCIENCE for evil, and explaining his plans to people he knows can escape his traps.” Cadmar sighed and shook her head, “But it is kinda silly for one of his grand schemes.”
“I’m pretty sure that he’d know ahead of time whether or not his processes of DNA recombination work. He’d test everything on normal humans before he wasted any of the ‘special’ eggs,” Miah said looking a bit unsettled that she had thought of that.
Michael turned toward a table full of strange instruments and grabbed a very long needle. "But first I need some sperm." He smiled
“Oh dear Eru, is going to do what I think he is going to do?” Miah whispered harshly.
Cadmar’s face became a perfect image of absolute terror. She backed up against a wall and clutched her crotch. “Ohdeargodwh-Oh, wait, I don’t have one anymore. Phew!” Cadmar laughed nervously, sweating profusely, “You have NO idea how horrible I can imagine that feeling,” she trembled.
“Sometimes being a girl has distinct advantages, but even I can’t watch this.” Miah hid her eyes.
Both agents turned away and covered their eyes as the disturbing scene unfolded. Neither complained when they ended up outside of a cell containing Ronon after the canon had been knocked out.
“I am so glad this isn’t a first person fic,” Cadmar said while hugging herself and shivering.
Miah patted Cadmar on the back. “Medical can fix him. Just keep repeating it. It helps. Medical can fix him.”
The agents sat back as Teagan slowly woke up, and waited meditating until she could kill all wraith aboard, save Micheal, who she controlled into helping her rescue Ronon. After which they made him pilot the ship to the nearest planet with a Stargate, then she promptly killed him.
“He must be feeling so stupid right now.” Cadmar said.
“So am I after watching this fic. Want to portal ahead to Atlantis?” Miah asked.
“Yes please.”
Exiting the portal, the agents almost plowed into the gate team, who were assembling in front of the active gate. Teagan and Ronon came through, and both were promptly rushed to the infirmary.
“Well,” Cadmar said as they followed the rushing canons, “It seems things are finally picking up. So, on a scale of one to ten, how good an episode would that thing with Micheal kidnapping her, and the experiments be?”
“Well, she basically stole what happened to Teyla. That whole arc was really good. The one where they went into that warehouse and got blown up, and then rescued Teyla was definitely a ten. This is just a poor mockery of a great moment in canon.” Miah watched Ronon shuffle painfully into a private room in the infirmary. Dr Keller followed him in, presumably running tests. Sam entered shortly after, talking with Teagan, and informing them that her and Ronon had been gone for twenty days.
“Hey, I know sending search teams is something any good commander would do, but how long did the leaders usually hold out hope for?” Cadmar asked, swiping some medical supplies and stuffing them in her pants pockets. The joys of cargo pants.
“Hmm. Well, they can be awfully stubborn on Stargate. I think at least some of them would still be looking. At least as an aside on their regularly scheduled missions. But still that is a long time. Hey wait. I missed that. What did she just say? Oh dear Eru. The Sue is pregnant. Ronon is the father, of course, and Dr. Keller is jealous. What is this, Sixteen and Pregnant?”
Ronon objected to Keller wanting to kill the babies, even if they were made by Micheal experimenting, telling the others that because Micheal was a poor surgeon, he could no longer have kids.
Cadmar made a pained face. “I can see how some would find that bad, me on the other hand...”
Cadmar rubbed her stomach absently.
Miah gave her a Look. “I thought Medical fixed all the health problems, aside from the plumbing change?”
Cadmar nodded absently, “They did. The nurses said that torture session left Heather unable to have kids, I checked the fic later on, and it was true. She got it back by a Deus Ex Machina, typical.” Cadmar hesitated, “But... they asked me what I wanted to do. I... I said to just make sure I wouldn’t die. I don’t think I could handle being pregnant.” She scowled. “Of course, they made sure I could anyway, as it would screw up with my men...menst...”
“That sucks. Doesn’t seem like something you’d be very prepared for, and make for some really awkward questions if you had a kid and then switched back to male.” Miah said.
“Yeah,” Cadmar squirmed a bit, “I haven’t told anyone else. I’m not sure what to think. On the one hand, pregnancy isn’t supposed to be as bad as fics make it out to be, but on the other, I am not cut out to be a mom.” She looked away. “I also don’t think I’d be up for sex of any kind for a long while... much too awkward.”
“Hey, this means you two aren’t going to--. No--I’m sorry. I’m sorry to hear that,’ Miah finished lamely.
Cadmar snorted. “Hah! Yeah, you don’t have to worry about that. Me and Cali are gonna go with it slowly.”
Both agents fell into a semi-comfortable silence, and Dr Keller informed Teagan and Ronon that there was three babies, and they would have to wait and see if all three were normal, and not tampered with by Micheal.
“Hey! We’re in Chapter 7 now! The author said that six was the last one!” Cadmar shook her fist at the ceiling. “Dirty lies!”
“Rotten stinking Ironic Overpower! I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up,” Miah joined Cadmar in shaking a fist at the ceiling.
Cadmar sighed, “Well, it’s not like it can be much more-”
"McKay to Sam, come in." he radios in from the ship.
"CARTER, here," she emphasizes.
"Sam, I'm going to need Dr. Keller here. There are over 100, what looks like, eggs here at various stages of development. There are 10 babies in stasis."
"WHAT? But Michael didn't have the time."
"Well, he found a way. He must have been planning this for a while, looking at all the STUFF he has here. We know he's capable of genetic manipulation, I'm sure he's capable of speeding up the gestational period. I NEED DR. KELLER HERE! This is not my area of expertise."
“Son of a... Well, this is perfect. how do we deal with that!?” Cadmar flopped on a wall.
“Oh wow. Wow. That’s a lot. Let’s check to see what happens to them in the fic. Maybe they are dealt with already, and we just have to remove memories,” Miah said hopefully.
“Yeah, hopefully.”
Searching the words, the agents found that not only had Micheal made a lot of progress in twenty days, but some more contradictions, in the form of how many eggs and embryos Micheal had. The universe blurred around the agents for a few seconds while the universe adjusted to the confusion.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where did all that come from?” Miah checked the earlier words. “Michael told Ronon ‘Not a single viable embryo has emerged from the 34 eggs I painstakingly retrieved from her.’ Oh man, this is quite a mess.”
“Charge for inconsistencies. MAJOR inconsistencies!” Cadmar angrily wrote the charge down, “Facts like that are important, when it comes down to galactic conquest.”
"Well, there are varying degrees of human to Wraith fetus' here too. He had already started grafting Wraith DNA on these 12 younger embryos. And those 10 ... sacks in the ...embryonic chambers, I guess you'd call them, all appear to be more Wraith." He said disgusted as he tried not to touch anything he didn't have to. Dr. Keller, on the other hand, appeared to be enjoying exploring it all. Rodney noticed. "You actually seem to be excited about this revolting mission."
"Well, you have to admit, much of this could be considered a medical break through. I'm sure Endocrynologists would love to get their hands on this information. Infertility would be extinct!" She exclaimed happily.
“Hunh, that is actually a pretty good character interaction between them,” Cadmar smiled, “They make such a cute couple.”
Miah nodded. “They really did. What are we going to do with all these babies? Did you find what happens to them in the fic?”
“Come on, space the abominations!” Cadmar hoped as she checked the words. “Hunh. Well, Micheal apparently WASN’T killed by Teagan. Or he was. Anyway, He comes back, attacks the ship, and steals all the stuff back.”
“You want to kill the babies?” Miah looked shocked at Cadmar.
“Well, they are part Sue, part Wraith, and are going to be used to conquer a galaxy.” Cadmar stated simply. “Can’t have that happening. Killing them is the easiest thing. Few grenades, or some C4 should do it. Not a big deal,” she shrugged.
“I’ve recruited a Wraith before, and technically, you’re part Sue. I still work with you.”
Cadmar flinched. “Sorry. I just don’t like to stick my neck out if I can help it. Stupid ideas aside.” She lit a Bleepette, “Heh, I guess I am part Sue huh? I get to join the ‘not-exactly human’ club with Mark and Maria now. Nice.” She shook her head. “Alright. We’ll save them.”
“Well, me and my preachy mouth aside. This is a bit more involved than the typical extract a Sue’s baby gig. I suspect that this would even be a lot for Medical to handle at one time. We should probably give them a head’s up that it’s coming. I don’t need to be banned from anywhere else for dumping badfic creations on them.”
Cadmar bobbed the Bleepette up and down in her mouth, thinking. “Miah, What’s that?” she said pointing behind Miah.
Miah turned, but saw nothing. Cadmar used Miah’s distraction to grab the RA and DORKS. As Miah turned around, to see what was happening, Cadmar had already entered a portal and closed it behind her.
“What the--?” Miah grimaced and read the words, hoping to find out what exactly was going on. Keller found a canister with Ronon’s semen in it, glad that he could now have children without Teagan.
“You better have a darn good reason for making me watch all this, Cadmar! I never want to think about Ronon’s sperm again!’
Miah watched with increasing anticipation, and anxiety, as Micheal attacked the Wraith ship with darts, presumably harming and killing several SGA personal. Teagan, utilising her Suefluence to it’s fullest, convinced everyone to let her handle the attacking Wraith force by herself. She dispatched the Wraith with ease. Miah cursed as she heard over the radio in the control tower that all the babies and samples had been stolen by Micheal.
“Where the hells is Cadmar? Now we’ve got to track down stinking Michael before the end of this mission. This Sue is going to die soon!” She began scanning the words for a chance to find Teagan alone. Her search was interrupted by a portal opening beside her, and a bloody and dirty Cadmar walking through, with a limp in one leg.
“What happened to you? Is that your blood?” Miah asked, reaching into the pack for a first aid kit in case.
Cadmar shook her head, leaned against a wall and painfully slid down the wall, until she was sitting. “No.” She lit a Bleepette, and smacked her cheek a couple of times, “It’s from a bunch of bits, she muttered distractedly.
“You sure you’re okay? You’re not looking so good.” Miah pulled out wet wipes instead of the first aid kit, and handed a few to Cadmar for the blood.
Cadmar took them, and silently dabbed her face for a minute. “I knew I messed up with the baby thing,” she began, “So, I decided I had to make it up to you, so it wouldn’t hurt what we have. I decided to save the babies myself. Show you I can be a good person and all.” She coughed a few times, “I snuck up and killed the other Micheal, then DORKSed into him, and just... let the narrative take it’s course. It was weird...” Cadmar looked up at the ceiling, “No matter where I fired, the bits would just jump into the path of the bullets.”
Miah smacked Cadmar on the shoulder. “That’s for leaving me here. Partners are supposed to back each other up.” Then Miah grabbed Cadmar in a bear hug. “And this is for not being dead over it.”
Cadmar hugged back, “Yeah, thanks. I managed to save them before Teagan showed up, they’re all stuffed in the room we were hiding in, along with the other samples.”
“What did you do with the ship? And, wait! You killed Michael?”
Cadmar smiled, coughing a couple of times, “It was a replacement, most likely. The original was never silly enough to fall for this crap. This one is around for angst inducing. The ship is there, I just moved it. We can take Teagan there later when we charge her.”
Miah looked as if she was contemplating slugging Cadmar again, but settled for reading ahead in the words. “Hey, good news. We’re almost to the end of this mess!”
Cadmar sighed, “I am so tired of this. What do we have left?”
Miah took a while to read ahead, but finally said, “Well it looks like they take a few days to autopsy the Michael you killed, and decide he’s a clone. Then they wait a month to decide to act on the fact that the Sue is carrying triplets. Then we’ve got a Bash Keller Scene. Then more time as Teagan and Ronon get chummy, and then one of the babies eats the other two. Turns out it is an even bigger Sue than it’s mommy.” Miah grinned evilly. “Let’s kill it.”
Cadmar squinted at Miah, “I suggest baby killing, and I have to make up for it by becoming a puppet to narrative, and you just throw it out there?”
“No. I disagreed on baby killing, and you left me to go off on your own. You didn’t have to make it up to me. But yeah, I guess I did just throw it out there. This thing is EVUL though!”
Camar smirked, “Alright, let’s finish this. It has gone on for far too damn long, I am so sick of Atlantis. ” She got up painfully and butted out the Bleepette. “Hope you have some stunners on you.”
“Of course I do. You want Wraith stunner, Atlantean stunner, or zat gun?”
Cadmar shrugged, “Zat. They’re cool.”
“All right. I think I’m going to use the Wraith stunner. Too bad Ronon and his equipment aren’t copies. I still want to pick up a copy of his gun someday. How about we wait until she is alone in her room, and then open a portal and shoot her through it?”
“Ooooooor, we could test out our commando abilities, and sneak into her room, then stun her.” Cadmar suggested, “I kinda want to walk off the leg thing.”
“Hey, wait. I have an idea! Have you ever wanted to be a spaceship captain?” Miah asked, flinging her hands around excitedly.
Cadmar nodded vigorously, “You bet! Ever since I got into Star Wars, and Warhammer! Why?”
“Well, this will take some time to set up, but nothing is really going to happen for the next three months, so we have plenty of time. We go get that ship you stole. We get rid of the oil treaty planet. Record all the charges. Set up Michael’s medical containment stuff, and portal the Sue into it. Debug the boy babies, set the ship to hit the sun, wake her up and hit play on the charges!”
“... You had me at ‘get rid of oil treaty planet’.” Cadmar grinned. She hopped up into Miah’s arms, only wincing slightly from her using her bad leg to spring up, “Wanting me to raze the surface of a planet, you speak such naughty things Miah.”
Miah staggered under the weight of the taller agent, but managed to stay upright, due to Cadmar’s Slightly Sued light weight. “Well, let’s go raze a planet then.”
“You’re not trying to steal my heart are you?’ Cadmar said with a wink.
Miah set Cadmar back on her feet, and opened a portal to the planet Michael’s ship had been on. Cadmar led her to where the cruiser had previously been, and then for a few kilometers after that. When they finally arrived, Miah found that the ship had crushed a forest on it’s landing, and was partially submerged in a lake.
“Lots of experience driving spaceships, eh, Cadmar?” Miah said after looking at the ship for a few moments.
“I usually command them to kill everything. Landing a spaceship is for chumps. There’s no need to land when a planet has been destroyed right?” Cadmar giggled and walked off toward a ramp which was somehow intact.
“This should be interesting at least,” Miah said as she followed Cadmar onto the ship.
As they were just about to enter the bridge, Cadmar whipped around and suddenly had an old World War II style captains hat on. “Attention!” she shouted, “Name and rank, sailor!”
Miah jumped to attention trying not to smile. “Agent Miah Arthur. Sir!”
Cadmar nodded briskly, “Good man! Now man the fist mate’s station, let’s gets this ship into full combat mode! We’ve got an enemy planet that needs to be destroyed!” she shouted, trying to repress her own grin. She sat in the captains chair in the middle of the bridge (how it got there was anyone’s guess).
“Aye Aye, Captain!” Miah said with a mock salute. Miah opened the bag. “McKaLoy? Can you fly a Wraith Cruiser?”
“Of course I can fly a Wraith cruiser! I’ve been stuck in this bag with a tablet for week on end, all I’ve been able to do is study things! I’ve even started some designs on an Remote Activator that can make multiple portals, possibly launched from a handheld gun-like apparatus....” The mini trailed off muttering to himself.
Miah shook her head slowly. “I really don’t think he should meet Castor and Magee. Ever.”
Cadmar was using her teeth to lightly prod her gums, fighting the urge to glomp the mini. It was a Wraith that acted and was named after McKay, not him. Not him, seriously. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Shut up about your crazy ideas and get to making this ship run. We need to get out of here.”
McKaLoy shot Cadmar a scathing look, and snatched the bale, and began inputting commands.
The ship rose from the ‘landing’ site with little difficulty, and the two agents were soon in orbit above the planet. Cadmar was using a piece of debris as a leg rest. “Put the planet on the main viewer, number one.”
“Aye, Captain!” Miah said and then gestured to McKaLoy.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was recently promoted, ”McKaLoy griped, tapping more buttons, “Unless the first mate is a purely a name-only job now, requiring no actual skills.”
“Completely correct, sir! The promotions on this ship have no relevance to ability whatsoever!” Miah smiled broadly at the mini.
As the view screen showed the planet, Cadmar frowned. “Look at that, a world built for the sole purpose of serving a literary abomination’s machinations. Disgusting. Number One, full power to all weapon systems! Target all the largest populated areas and zones that generally conflict with how a naturally made planet would work!”
“Aye!” Miah indicated to McKaLoy, who glared back, but did so. The ship began strafing the surface. “This is fun,” Miah chirped as the ship opened fire on the planet.
“Yep, it sure is!” Cadmar leaned back and closed her eyes, “Now we wait for a few hours until the planet is naught but a charred husk of destruction. Then we can do the rest of your plan.”
“I don’t know. I might have been a bit hasty in my planning. We might ought to drive this ship around for a while.”
Cadmar grinned, “I like that plan. A lot.” Anything that let her command her ship for longer was a good plan.
“One of those babies is a Wraith!Sue!Thing, but the other two are normal babies. I don’t think we can do the plan the way I first said. We can’t just let the story take it’s course over all that. The Wraith!Sue!Thing eats the boy babies and then is killed.” Miah looked a bit chagrined that she hadn’t noticed this flaw in the plan earlier.
“...Well that is just messed up.” Cadmar sighed, “I don’t know about you, but we should probably get someone who knows medical equipment to set it up. Unless you know how to make a machine sedate a person?” Cadmar moved the captains hat over her eyes, and slumped in the chair, finding it more comfortable then one would think a Wraith chair would be.
“Well, no, not exactly. I do know a nurse that might be useful, though. Nurse Lillian takes care of Kelok all the time. She knows all about Wraith physiology and medicine.”
Cadmar sat up straight and grimaced, “Maybe she can check my leg too. Anyway, we should skip ahead a bit, so the babies can be born normally. After we kill the fetus thing, she can birth the babies, then we can get them and the rest into... wherever they go in HQ. Meanwhile, set course for the system McKay almost blew up entirely, I want to tour my ship.”
“Oy!” McKaLoy shouted angrily, “That was three-fourths, seven- eighths at most!”
“Just keep telling yourself that!” Miah shouted over her shoulder as she followed Cadmar off the bridge.
***
“Welcome aboard the PPC cruiser SO’s Punishment, Nurse Lillian.” Cadmar said, giving a salute to the nurse, who was looking around curiously beside Miah.
“Are you ready for the Sue, Lillian?” Miah asked, pointing toward the medical suite.
“Yeah,” Cadmar said. “Make sure you can keep her under. For added pressure and incentive, she can control or kill you with only a thought.” Cadmar smiled.
“Hmm, yes, that is good incentive. I’ve looked over the equipment, and I believe that I understand it. I’m as ready as I ever will be.” Lillian nervously looked over the equipment one more time.
“Okay, Cadmar, you ready with that zat?” Miah asked as she programmed the RA.
“Yep. One time only.” Cadmar got ready, idly tapping the side of the zat.
“In three! Two! One!” Miah opened the portal under the Sue as she slept. It dropped her at Cadmar’s feet from three feet high. Cadmar zatted her before she could finish exclaiming in pain from hitting the ground.
“Well, that was anti-climactic.” Cadmar said, before shrugging and putting the zat away in one of her pockets. “Well, I’m off to go and blow up some asteroids or something, you guys tell me how the surgery goes.” she walked off, putting some earphones in and turning on CaramellDansen. Perfect music for blowing stuff up.
Cadmar scowled as she tried to ignore her throbbing leg. Sure, none of the bits had come close to hitting her, but that didn’t make up for not paying attention. Maybe being so wrapped up in being temporarily invincible and not looking where you were going was not such a good idea.
Finally making it onto the bridge, she gave a sigh of relief. Limping over to the console, she picked up the tablet and began tapping buttons on it, may as well spend the time to get to learn how to run her new ship. Yes. Her new ship. Seeing McKaLoy walking out from behind a console, with chocolate smeared over his face, made her cringe. “OY! Tech support! Get down to the medical station room thing, Miah needs you.” The mini huffed in annoyance, pulled another chocolate bar out of nowhere and stalked off.
Ten minutes later, Cadmar was learning how to program the ships systems to target the highest concentration of life forms, when the ships comm crackled to life. Cadmar hit the button to receive it.
Miah sounded both excited and slightly sickened as she said, “Everything is fine here. The Sue is hooked up and unconscious. We’re about to debug the Wraith!Sue!Thing.”
Cadmar grimaced, “Ungh, you want me to capture some bit characters for security?”
“If you do that, we’d learn about them, and get to know them, and then we’d have to take them home with us.”
Cadmar grinned. “I hear spacing is in this season.”
“Now, now. We do not space our friends, Agent Cadmar,” Miah said in her School Marm voice.
Cadmar frowned. “Fine, ruin my fun.”
***
An hour later, Cadmar was learning to actually drive the ship. Essential should she even wish to make it move from one spot. It was tough going, the tablet kept randomly showing... things. Probably just the fact that a she was using it, maybe being part Sue was affecting it? The ships comm crackled to life again. Screaming and a weird high pitched wail, unlike anything Cadmar had ever heard before came over the system. She pulled her zat and Beretta out, “Miah?”
“Get under cover, Lillian! No!” The screaming was broken up by the sound of zats firing.
Cadmar scrunched up her face in confusion. “Miah?”
“It’s behind you, Miah!” More crashing and banging and zat fire came over the comms. “Wh-what are doing?”
“I can’t help it! It has control!” Miah sounded scared.
Cadmar opened the zat and began looking nervously around the room. “Miiiiiiiah... come in?”
“If you shoot the Sue now, you’ll kill the other babies,” Cadmar heard Lillian say. The wailing had stopped and everything was eerily quiet.
“... Miah, please come in, or else I’ll have to assume you’ve died a bloody and horrible death and be forced to vent the room,” Cadmar said seriously, as she scrolled through the controls, preparing to do so.
The zat was firing again. There was a thud and the firing stopped. Then Cadmar heard metal clanging on metal and a wet sounding crunch.
“Holy canon! Cadmar! How did that thing escape the de-bugger?” Lillian said, sounding like she was hyperventilating.
Cadmar’s eyes widened and she prepared to actually vent the room. Having a face-hugger loose was NOT on the plan. Not at all, no sir. “Please tell me it’s dead.”
“We’re okay. It’s dead now. Flaming Denethor! It was like that rabbit scene in Holy Grail,” Miah said sounding groggy.
Cadmar shivered, moving away from the control. No need to unnecessarily kill your friend and a Nurse. Well, at least Medical could heal people who were spaced... right? “That’s a relief to hear, I was just about to go and help you,” she lied.
“Lillian says that the debugger is fried. It’s too late to get another one.” Miah’s voice took on a teasing tone. “You should come down here and get a good look at what you could be capable--”
“I don’t see you down here watching either, Agent Miah!” Lillian’s voice was muted by the distance from Miah’s communicator, but Cadmar still heard.
“You said you weren’t going to tell her about that!”
Cadmar shivered even more over that than at the idea of a face hugger. “Yeah, I’ll just stay up here, thanks.”
***
Thirty minutes later, Cadmar was learning why McKay was such a grouchy person while working--these infernal machines were just pieces of garbage that refused to work! Why the escape pods all randomly launched was a mystery, and the Wraith fleet that happened into the system was a close shave. If Cadmar didn’t know any better, she would have thought that the ship was trying to kill them. Such a silly idea, the ship she had stolen would never do that... her musings were cut off by Miah again on the radio.
“It’s looking good so far. Lillian says she’s got a visual on the first baby’s head.” Miah said.
Camar rolled her eyes, “Yeah, yeah, miracle of life.”
A few minutes later Miah signalled again. The first thing Cadmar heard was the wail of a newborn baby. When Miah spoke she sounded awed. “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, Cadmar. Holding this tiny life--I can’t even describe it. Oh, oh yeah, report. She says the second baby is in line and it won’t be long now.”
“Great. I’m just... making sure the environmental controls would stop going from polar to ‘surface’ of the sun’ hot.” Cadmar growled, “Why are you being so damn stubborn?”
Several minutes later, Cadmar was pulling on her hair in frustration, nothing was making sense, she was having to work like heck just to keep catastrophic failures from happening. Why in the world was it such a damn problem...
“The second one is taking a bit longer than expected. Oh my canon! You DO NOT want to know what she’s doing now.” Miah’s voice changed to a cooing tone. “Hide your eyes, little one. You don’t want to see that!”
Cadmar frowned, ignoring Miah. “Why the hell is this happening? Plenty of ships have been stolen before, like the one with Thor’s mind in it... “ Cadmar winced, as she remembered the fate of the ship. “Well, there was the Goa’uld glider,” another wince, “Okay, what about the Aurora... Or that one hive ship... I’m beginning to sense a pattern here.” She stood up, disconnected the tablet, grabbed her stuff, put the captains hat on, and took a deep breath.
“Okay universe,” she said sulkily, “I get it, you have something against getting ships without making them yourself. Fine, be that way, I’m leaving.” Cadmar programmed the ship to fly into the system’s sun, locked in the course, then began systematically disabling all the control stations with the zat. “Goodbye ship...” she said with a depressed sign, as she turned and began walking to where Miah and Lillian were.
***
Lillian suctioned the baby boy’s nose and mouth, and his crying got louder. Then she rubbed him down vigorously with a towel, and he really began to howl. Once he was dry, she wrapped him very snugly in a small flannel blanket, so that only his head was exposed. He calmed immediately after his flailing limbs were contained. She put a knit cap on his head to help contain his body heat, and then cradled him to her chest and offered him a bottle of sugar water.
“If they don’t eat something within the first hour, they’ll get sleepy and not be in the mood to eat again for a long while. This will help get their digestive system kick-started, and they can be started on formula once they wake up again,” Lillian explained.
Miah still had her cooing voice turned on. “This one is already asleep,” she said, lowering her arm just enough that Lillian could see his tiny face. “His ear is the size of the tip of my thumb! I’ve never seen a baby this small before.”
The door slid open, and Cadmar ran in with a bad limp, “Guys! Guys! We gotta get out of here!” she said hurriedly, “Seriously! Pack up the... ugly little red, blotchy, pointy headed, hairy things, and let’s go!
Miah looked defensive over Cadmar’s assessment of the babies’ looks. “We have to wake her up to charge her. What’s wrong?”
Cadmar pointed to the wall, “HELLO?! Have you not seen the Urple color in the walls?!”
“Not really.” Miah looked at the wall closely. “Um. Maybe a hint of urple?”
Cadmar sputtered “But... but it’s all over the place!”
“Maybe you can see it better, because you’ve spent so much time possessed?” Miah said thoughtfully. “Have you got the recording of the charges? I’ll take the baby, Lillian, so you can get the Sue awake.”
Cadmar passed Miah the tablet, “I wanted to keep this, but it looks like we’re out of time.” Cadmar was tapping her uninjured foot rapidly, “I almost forgot, the ship is on a collision course with a sun,” she said as an after thought. “It turns out that the entire universe is conspiring against me having nice things.”
“How long until she’s conscious?” Miah asked.
“Once I inject this, it will only be seconds,” Lillian said showing the agents a hypospray.
Cadmar opened a portal, “Ready here.”
“Could you get my pack, please?” Miah said stepping through with the babies. Lillian injected the Sue, and grabbed her medical pack and Miah’s bag, and also stepped through the portal.
Teagan awoke just as the portal closed, she sat up groggily, and jumped in shock when she realized she was in Micheal’s lab... again. She gasped and got up, sensing for wraith or humans. She found no one was on board the ship. A tablet, like the one Rodney used was sitting on the ground, with a blinking icon, displaying ‘Push Me’. She of course, lacking any other idea of what was going on, pushed the button.
The screen changed to a recording of the bridge, where two humans were. One was sitting in a chair in the middle, playing with a small device in her hands, the other was adjusting something with the tablet, her face dominating a large part of the screen.
“Hey, Cadmar! I think I got it recording. You ready?”
Cadmar made a whining noise, “Noo! I’m in the middle of putting down a rebellion.”
“I might not get it working again. Cali is the tech of the partnership.” Miah said motioning to Cadmar.
“Ungh. Fine.” Cadmar sat up straighter, and put the device away. “Hello Teagan, I am Captain Cadmar of the Intergalactic House of Pancakes! Or whatever I actually decide to name this ship.”
“And I am Miah. We are agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and we are here to charge you as a Mary Sue.”
“You are first charged with making up a silly backstory for Sateda.” Cadmar said, “To be honest, it was kinda cool at first, and would have been acceptable with a little more thought put into it.” She scratched her chin, “But, when you think further on it, it brings up the question of WHY Ronon never mentioned the north, as the Monarchs would have been a massively great asset against the wraith. Or why they somehow survived at all, if the Wraith knew enough about them to defeat them.”
“You are charged with making Sheppard massively out of character. He would never sit on Ronon and encourage him to talk like the proverbial teenage gossip girl. Also, he can’t even tell his team that he cares for them in a serious tone of voice. The guy has huge problems expressing even platonic emotions. It’s a bit sad really, but it’s part of his character and you just plowed right over it. That’s not even mentioning the ‘friends with benefits’ thing you had going there. If he wanted to Kirk it up, he certainly could have, but with all the pretty women that have wanted him and he’s never went there? I don’t think so!”
“Okay...” Cadmar coughed, looking at Miah funny, “Anyway, you also made a lot of other people out of character, what with making Teyla like the idea of killing things, having Rodney be a lot less cautious then he should be in any given situation. Also, for having Ronon and Dr. Keller in a relationship, and making yourself a wedge in it, ruining it, and using it to make drama. Oh! And for making the Atlantis team dumb enough to go to a planet for oil, when they have NO reason what-so-ever to actually need it. Seriously, they have Naquadah, and ZPMs, oil is just a dirty, completely unnecessary thing to them.”
“Oh and for making Caldwell re-enact that scene from Firefly with the cattle in the hold. He’d never go for that. You stole Teyla’s plot arc. You nearly Sued her with all your telepathy and crap that you had her doing. You made the Wraith in general dumb as posts, as well as Lorne. You first said that there had been thirty-four eggs and then you said over one hundred and fifty. You failed at biology and contradicted your own backstory several times. You created three babies, and had one of them be a Sue!Wraith!Thing that killed the other two, just for angst. You also annoyed a PPC agent. You are a Mary Sue. For these charges the penalty is death.”
Cadmar walked up to the screen, taking up the whole view, “I don’t know what you are currently doing, or what you are in, but chances are, you are doomed, while we are in my glorious ship. Possibly docking in HQ, or just out having fun.”
Teagan looked confused and then looked around at the ship she was on. She ran to the bridge, and found it a complete mess. The controls were all completely wrecked, and the main view screen was just impossible to look at without shielding her eyes, the brightness from the close proximity to the sun being too bright. She screamed, as the walls around her began to melt, and the air became hotter. Then, all was blackness.
***
Miah cooed over the baby boy she held. “What’s going to happen to these little guys? Are you the adopting type, Cadmar?”
Cadmar looked up from her PSP, shocked. “I... I don’t think so Miah. I’m not exactly the sort of person who can raise a kid. Probably never will be.”She shrugged. “They’ll find better homes with any one else, really...”
“Well, they have some Wraith DNA and had an accelerated gestation, so that gives them a rather unique medical situation, and I’m the only one with a lot of experience with the Wraith. I think... I think that I’m going to adopt them,” Lillian said slowly. “I think I’ll call them Rick and Reuben.”
Miah nodded. “Those are good names. Well, I guess I better go check on my partner. Here you go.” Miah handed the baby back to Lillian. “See you guys later. Hope your leg gets better, Cadmar.” Miah waved and headed out the door.
Cadmar frowned and grabbed the crutch, “Are you sure I need to use this?” she said, indicating the crutch.
“Yes,” Lillian nodded. “You sprained it in that fight, and walking on it made it worse. The more you rest it the faster it’ll stop hurting. Rotate heat and cold with it propped up once you get back to your RC.”
Cadmar sighed and started hobbling out, grumbling the whole way.
“Yeah, I saved all those cryo babies for you, while you two were talking about what to do about Teyla. You’re Welcome!” Lillian called after Cadmar and Miah.
The End
Miah’s Note: The End? We’re finally finished with this mission? I had fun writing it, but the post-writing clean-up has kicked my butt. Hopefully the final product is not too schizoid as a result. Also, youngest Sue ever! Am I right? Come on! Not even born and it was a huge Sue!
Caddy’s AN: Yeah, I enjoyed making Agent Cadmar lose her ship. it’s fun crushing their hopes. I think I shall have to make it happen again, actually... Anyway, it was fun writing this (though next time we’ll have a couple more agents).
Next appearance: Interlude 5: Post Sateda (unpublished, blank link)