Everybody hurts - Chapter 4
Title: Everybody hurts - Chapter 4: Mixed up feelings
Author: Miles Sinnerman
E-Mail: milessinnerman@gmail.com
Date Finished: Sometime this year
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1728
Keywords: slash, Jack/Sawyer, Clementine
Spoiler: Season 3
Disclaimer: I don’t own them. They own me, body and soul :P
Previous chapters :: 1 :: 2 :: 3
Chapter 4: Mixed up feelings
Sawyer answers the door and smiles when he sees Jack.
“Hey” Jack says.
“Hey yourself” he just looks at him without aiming to move at all.
Clementine appears from nowhere between Sawyer legs. “Hi Jack!” She says timidly.
“Hello Clemmie!” Jack says as he kneels to her level. “How are you?” he tries but she says nothing and becomes shy.
“You know what? I brought you something” he tells her mysteriously changing the strategy.
She, now, pays attention to him. “You wanna know what it is?” he smiles at her as she nods sheepishly.
“Ok. Close your eyes” the little girl obeys and waits anxiously.
Jack produces a huge pink package out of nowhere and puts it in front of her. “Open up!”
The blonde’s daughter sees the package and happily grabs it watching at Jack. “Open it” he says. Clementine doesn’t know where to start opening it. Her smile is beautiful and Jack finds Sawyer’s gestures in her, the way she rolls her eyes and her fearless attitude once she feels self-assured. She manages to open it without asking for help which pleases her above all. It’s a huge and mushy doll. The girl loves it and hugs it tightly. “Clem?” Sawyer asks.
“Thank you, Jack” says happily showing her small dimples.
“You’re welcome honey” Clementine kisses him on the cheek and they hug each other tenderly. She runs away immediately after to play with her new doll.
Jack stands up and kisses Sawyer on the cheek, leaving his lips there a little longer while Sawyer caresses his hip and lower back. “Nice move, doc” he says referring to the doll.
Jack smiles “I also brought some wine”
“I so wanna kiss you right now” he says moving his lips almost whispering. He knows better not to, not with his daughter a few feet away.
Sawyer finishes all the details for the dinner. He made pork chops with mushroom sauce and noisette potatoes. Everything smells amazing.
“Wow! You made all this? I didn’t know you cook so well.” He says as he contemplates the food and Sawyer’s hands working skillfully.
Sawyer moves his head a little to the left and looks at Jack through his hair “There’s plenty you don’t ‘bout me, doc”
“I wanna know everything” says enunciating every word.
“We’ll see” he answers seriously as he turns around, grabs a kitchen cloth, cleans his hands a puts the cloth over his shoulder.
“You’re playing hard on me again?” He knows Sawyer is joking but he feels a little worried nevertheless.
“I’m a complex guy, sweetheart” Sawyer turns to look at Jack and spreads his arms showing his palms in the air, then shifts again to check the food and smiles. Jack smiles as well, feeling relieved.
During dinner, Clementine talks to Jack about her school, her teachers and classmates and the doctor seems to genuinely care nodding and smiling effortlessly. Sawyer can easily fall for that.
They finish eating and Sawyer puts Clementine to bed after she said goodnight to Jack.
While Sawyer is busy with his daughter, Jack turns on the radio and tries to find a neutral station. Nothing seems right for the occasion until he reaches a jazz station and River Man by Brad Mehldau starts playing.
They both go to the couch and cuddle while they finish the wine. Sawyer sits with Jack leaning on his chest both looking in the same direction, both enjoying themselves.
“I should go” Jack says without really want to, lifting his head awkwardly to find Sawyer’s eyes.
“I don’t want you to” he blurts feeling betrayed by his own words and looking away. He has lost his filter somehow. How he can possibly be so open with his feelings when only yesterday he was hiding from view and not picking up the phone.
“I have to work tomorrow” he answers grabbing Sawyer’s hand in his.
“Why do you keep workin’ by the way? You don’t have to” He meant to sound casual but it turned up demanding.
“It’s not just something I do. It’s who I am, Sawyer”
“Yeah, I know doc, but you wore yourself out doin’ it”
“I can take it easy now though.”
“Why now?” he inquires.
“‘Cause I used to use it as an excuse, work hard not to think about anything else, you know?”
“Anythin’ else?” He’s not sure what Jack means, but got a hint.
“You basically” he says ashamed.
“Can I ask you somethin’?” he asks not entirely comfortable with Jack’s confession, knowing they could have been together all this time.
“Shoot”
“Back then on the island, why did ya kiss me?”
Jack smiles and is glad Sawyer can’t look at him. “Because you’re hot” Jack responses articulating every word.
“Serious question!”
“‘Cause you were sick and I wanted you to know how I felt about you.”
“How did ya feel?” he wants to know.
“I had a crush on you.”
“A crush? What are you, twelve?” He laughs hard, waits a bit and then adds “Just a crush?”
“A big one, ok?” He shifts his body upwards so his head fits the crook of Sawyer’s neck.
“Little faith you’d had in ya”
“Why you say that?” he furrows his eyebrows a little bit.
“You’re a great doctor.”
“Well you’d lost a lot of blood. There wasn’t much I could do for you.”
“You gave your blood to Boone even though he hadn’t gotten any chance to live and you are a universal donor. So what’s your excuse?”
“I don’t need one. You were gonna make it, deep down I knew that. You had a fever and an awful infection but you were tough and you fought. If things would have complicated just a little bit more, I would have given you my blood, don’t you doubt about it and stop being jealous of Boone, ‘cause this is all it is”
“You loved him?” Sawyer inquires.
“I cared about him, but never loved him. You?”
“Me? Boone?” he asks confused.
“I mean Cassidy, you loved her?”
“We were talkin’ about ya. Not fair.”
“Come on, I answered all your questions without complaining.” He shifts his head again to look at him.
“Before the island she loved me and I thought I did as well, but didn’t for real. After the island we both knew we were together for Clementine. She accepted me back ‘cause she knew she was dyin’. She needed me. That’s all.”
“You’ve really never been with a man before?”
“No” he answers shortly.
“But how come you like me then?” Jack asks in disbelief.
“Why did you kiss me?”
“I told you why”
“Yeah, but how did you think I’d react?”
“I don’t know. Deep down, I thought you’ll like it. That you were into it too.”
“Well, it looks like you knew it before I do” he tries to get away with it.
“Bullshit, you had to know. I mean when you went to school, didn’t you feel something?”
“I was raised in a foster home”
“So?”
“So we got this priest who always told us if we had certain feelings we could burn in hell. He was pretty insistent about it. ”
“And as you grew older?”
“I don’t want to talk about it”
“What? Tell me”
“You’ll feel sorry for me. I don’t want that”
“You won’t know that till you tell me”
“I’d rather not”
“C’mon” Jack grabs his fingers and kisses them one after the other. “I promise I won’t tell anyone” he tries jokingly.
Sawyer exhales deeply and begins.
“I had this friend, he was my best friend. We um… liked each other. I don’t know. We fooled around a few times, just kisses. Only one time we touched each other. We came so hard and quick” he laughs thinking about it.
“We were just a week to turn 16 and be free at last when the other kids found out about us. I hid in our special place and waited for him. I was so fuckin’ scared. He never showed up, so I went out lookin’ for him. I found him layin’ on the floor. They say he fell, but he was fuckin’ beaten to death. Message was clear, the priest was right, I was livin’ hell right on earth.”
Jack feels sad, angry and useless all at the same time. There’s nothing to say. They both remain in silence breathing in and out, listening to their heartbeats and nothing else. Sawyer holds Jack in his arms. Jack’s head rests on Sawyer’s arm while they play with their fingers crossing and uncrossing them. “You should go”. Sawyer feels Jack stopped breathing a while ago. He can’t move or speak.
“You sure?” his voice comes out in a whisper.
“Yeah” he says a little grumpy.
He knows Jack can’t stay, not yet at least. He needs to talk to his daughter first and he needs her daughter to be ok with everything. If not, he’ll probably respect her decision and won’t push her in any way.
“Ok”
They say goodbye at the door kissing long and deeply. Sawyer’s mouth devours Jacks. He’s hypnotized by him.
“My ass is killin’ me” he admits to Jack when they stop for air.
Jack laughs a little. “I’m sorry” he looks at Sawyer that remains still, looking seriously at him and Jack laughs even more. “I’m sorry” now he’s sorry for laughing out loud so hard but Sawyer gets on with it and laughs as well. They look at each other and can’t stop laughing.
“Well, as a doctor I should tell you to rest, eat light and take some meds if it gets worse. As your lover I’d say get used to it.”
“You cocky bastard”
“Come here” he kisses him one more time. “See you tomorrow?” Sawyer asks hopefully.
“Um, I don’t know. I’ll have a busy day.”
“There’s no reason for you to eat alone at night anymore.”
“What are you implying?”
“Nothin’. I don’t know” Fuck, his feelings out there in the open again. What’s going on with him?
“We should slow down. I want this to be perfect, ok?”
“You want everythin’ to be perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist.”
“Yes it does. You’re perfect for me” Jack kisses him again and tries to communicate through the kiss that everything will be ok.
“Um…” Sawyer coughs slightly. “I’ll call you.”
Author: Miles Sinnerman
E-Mail: milessinnerman@gmail.com
Date Finished: Sometime this year
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1728
Keywords: slash, Jack/Sawyer, Clementine
Spoiler: Season 3
Disclaimer: I don’t own them. They own me, body and soul :P
Previous chapters :: 1 :: 2 :: 3
Chapter 4: Mixed up feelings
Sawyer answers the door and smiles when he sees Jack.
“Hey” Jack says.
“Hey yourself” he just looks at him without aiming to move at all.
Clementine appears from nowhere between Sawyer legs. “Hi Jack!” She says timidly.
“Hello Clemmie!” Jack says as he kneels to her level. “How are you?” he tries but she says nothing and becomes shy.
“You know what? I brought you something” he tells her mysteriously changing the strategy.
She, now, pays attention to him. “You wanna know what it is?” he smiles at her as she nods sheepishly.
“Ok. Close your eyes” the little girl obeys and waits anxiously.
Jack produces a huge pink package out of nowhere and puts it in front of her. “Open up!”
The blonde’s daughter sees the package and happily grabs it watching at Jack. “Open it” he says. Clementine doesn’t know where to start opening it. Her smile is beautiful and Jack finds Sawyer’s gestures in her, the way she rolls her eyes and her fearless attitude once she feels self-assured. She manages to open it without asking for help which pleases her above all. It’s a huge and mushy doll. The girl loves it and hugs it tightly. “Clem?” Sawyer asks.
“Thank you, Jack” says happily showing her small dimples.
“You’re welcome honey” Clementine kisses him on the cheek and they hug each other tenderly. She runs away immediately after to play with her new doll.
Jack stands up and kisses Sawyer on the cheek, leaving his lips there a little longer while Sawyer caresses his hip and lower back. “Nice move, doc” he says referring to the doll.
Jack smiles “I also brought some wine”
“I so wanna kiss you right now” he says moving his lips almost whispering. He knows better not to, not with his daughter a few feet away.
Sawyer finishes all the details for the dinner. He made pork chops with mushroom sauce and noisette potatoes. Everything smells amazing.
“Wow! You made all this? I didn’t know you cook so well.” He says as he contemplates the food and Sawyer’s hands working skillfully.
Sawyer moves his head a little to the left and looks at Jack through his hair “There’s plenty you don’t ‘bout me, doc”
“I wanna know everything” says enunciating every word.
“We’ll see” he answers seriously as he turns around, grabs a kitchen cloth, cleans his hands a puts the cloth over his shoulder.
“You’re playing hard on me again?” He knows Sawyer is joking but he feels a little worried nevertheless.
“I’m a complex guy, sweetheart” Sawyer turns to look at Jack and spreads his arms showing his palms in the air, then shifts again to check the food and smiles. Jack smiles as well, feeling relieved.
During dinner, Clementine talks to Jack about her school, her teachers and classmates and the doctor seems to genuinely care nodding and smiling effortlessly. Sawyer can easily fall for that.
They finish eating and Sawyer puts Clementine to bed after she said goodnight to Jack.
While Sawyer is busy with his daughter, Jack turns on the radio and tries to find a neutral station. Nothing seems right for the occasion until he reaches a jazz station and River Man by Brad Mehldau starts playing.
They both go to the couch and cuddle while they finish the wine. Sawyer sits with Jack leaning on his chest both looking in the same direction, both enjoying themselves.
“I should go” Jack says without really want to, lifting his head awkwardly to find Sawyer’s eyes.
“I don’t want you to” he blurts feeling betrayed by his own words and looking away. He has lost his filter somehow. How he can possibly be so open with his feelings when only yesterday he was hiding from view and not picking up the phone.
“I have to work tomorrow” he answers grabbing Sawyer’s hand in his.
“Why do you keep workin’ by the way? You don’t have to” He meant to sound casual but it turned up demanding.
“It’s not just something I do. It’s who I am, Sawyer”
“Yeah, I know doc, but you wore yourself out doin’ it”
“I can take it easy now though.”
“Why now?” he inquires.
“‘Cause I used to use it as an excuse, work hard not to think about anything else, you know?”
“Anythin’ else?” He’s not sure what Jack means, but got a hint.
“You basically” he says ashamed.
“Can I ask you somethin’?” he asks not entirely comfortable with Jack’s confession, knowing they could have been together all this time.
“Shoot”
“Back then on the island, why did ya kiss me?”
Jack smiles and is glad Sawyer can’t look at him. “Because you’re hot” Jack responses articulating every word.
“Serious question!”
“‘Cause you were sick and I wanted you to know how I felt about you.”
“How did ya feel?” he wants to know.
“I had a crush on you.”
“A crush? What are you, twelve?” He laughs hard, waits a bit and then adds “Just a crush?”
“A big one, ok?” He shifts his body upwards so his head fits the crook of Sawyer’s neck.
“Little faith you’d had in ya”
“Why you say that?” he furrows his eyebrows a little bit.
“You’re a great doctor.”
“Well you’d lost a lot of blood. There wasn’t much I could do for you.”
“You gave your blood to Boone even though he hadn’t gotten any chance to live and you are a universal donor. So what’s your excuse?”
“I don’t need one. You were gonna make it, deep down I knew that. You had a fever and an awful infection but you were tough and you fought. If things would have complicated just a little bit more, I would have given you my blood, don’t you doubt about it and stop being jealous of Boone, ‘cause this is all it is”
“You loved him?” Sawyer inquires.
“I cared about him, but never loved him. You?”
“Me? Boone?” he asks confused.
“I mean Cassidy, you loved her?”
“We were talkin’ about ya. Not fair.”
“Come on, I answered all your questions without complaining.” He shifts his head again to look at him.
“Before the island she loved me and I thought I did as well, but didn’t for real. After the island we both knew we were together for Clementine. She accepted me back ‘cause she knew she was dyin’. She needed me. That’s all.”
“You’ve really never been with a man before?”
“No” he answers shortly.
“But how come you like me then?” Jack asks in disbelief.
“Why did you kiss me?”
“I told you why”
“Yeah, but how did you think I’d react?”
“I don’t know. Deep down, I thought you’ll like it. That you were into it too.”
“Well, it looks like you knew it before I do” he tries to get away with it.
“Bullshit, you had to know. I mean when you went to school, didn’t you feel something?”
“I was raised in a foster home”
“So?”
“So we got this priest who always told us if we had certain feelings we could burn in hell. He was pretty insistent about it. ”
“And as you grew older?”
“I don’t want to talk about it”
“What? Tell me”
“You’ll feel sorry for me. I don’t want that”
“You won’t know that till you tell me”
“I’d rather not”
“C’mon” Jack grabs his fingers and kisses them one after the other. “I promise I won’t tell anyone” he tries jokingly.
Sawyer exhales deeply and begins.
“I had this friend, he was my best friend. We um… liked each other. I don’t know. We fooled around a few times, just kisses. Only one time we touched each other. We came so hard and quick” he laughs thinking about it.
“We were just a week to turn 16 and be free at last when the other kids found out about us. I hid in our special place and waited for him. I was so fuckin’ scared. He never showed up, so I went out lookin’ for him. I found him layin’ on the floor. They say he fell, but he was fuckin’ beaten to death. Message was clear, the priest was right, I was livin’ hell right on earth.”
Jack feels sad, angry and useless all at the same time. There’s nothing to say. They both remain in silence breathing in and out, listening to their heartbeats and nothing else. Sawyer holds Jack in his arms. Jack’s head rests on Sawyer’s arm while they play with their fingers crossing and uncrossing them. “You should go”. Sawyer feels Jack stopped breathing a while ago. He can’t move or speak.
“You sure?” his voice comes out in a whisper.
“Yeah” he says a little grumpy.
He knows Jack can’t stay, not yet at least. He needs to talk to his daughter first and he needs her daughter to be ok with everything. If not, he’ll probably respect her decision and won’t push her in any way.
“Ok”
They say goodbye at the door kissing long and deeply. Sawyer’s mouth devours Jacks. He’s hypnotized by him.
“My ass is killin’ me” he admits to Jack when they stop for air.
Jack laughs a little. “I’m sorry” he looks at Sawyer that remains still, looking seriously at him and Jack laughs even more. “I’m sorry” now he’s sorry for laughing out loud so hard but Sawyer gets on with it and laughs as well. They look at each other and can’t stop laughing.
“Well, as a doctor I should tell you to rest, eat light and take some meds if it gets worse. As your lover I’d say get used to it.”
“You cocky bastard”
“Come here” he kisses him one more time. “See you tomorrow?” Sawyer asks hopefully.
“Um, I don’t know. I’ll have a busy day.”
“There’s no reason for you to eat alone at night anymore.”
“What are you implying?”
“Nothin’. I don’t know” Fuck, his feelings out there in the open again. What’s going on with him?
“We should slow down. I want this to be perfect, ok?”
“You want everythin’ to be perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist.”
“Yes it does. You’re perfect for me” Jack kisses him again and tries to communicate through the kiss that everything will be ok.
“Um…” Sawyer coughs slightly. “I’ll call you.”