I don't know how I really act. I spend so much time faking emotions and expressions that when nobody is around I look at my face and notice there IS no expression. No emotion. Sometimes I wonder if I even feal anything or If I am forcing myself to feal things just to feal normal.
I can't seem to get over him. Sometimes, I wish I never fell in love with him, but can feelings be helped? I still feel like we were meant to be together, and sometimes I feel like he feels the same way. The uncertainty of feelings are killing me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't concentrate because I always want him. I always think of him. Inside, though I hardly can admit this, I am still committed to him. I wish we were still together. I let down my pride and possibly my dignity when I say this, but I miss him even with all the verbal abuse he has used against me. Sometimes I am desperate to move on, but I am also afraid to move on. What if I do, and then I lose him forever? This is the confusion I've been feeling for a year now. I love him so much. And yet, I can't tell him now because we're supposed to be over.
I have this giant crush on one of my really good guy friends. The problem is that I know three of my really close friends really like him too, and when they ask me if I have any feelings for him I end up lying and say no. I know that I'm just digging myself into this huge hole because if I ever get the guts to actually tell him, I'm going to get in trouble for lying to my best friends. Sometimes I think I stick my neck out for other people too much. Like, I don't want to hurt their feelings and I just tell myself that I'm not good enough for him even though I have -everything- in common with this guy. And then I'm also terrified that if he does have feelings for me, we'll end up ruining our awesome friendship, not to mention I'll officially have no more friends on the other side.
Deep down inside, I know I'll never be able to forget them. They were too big a part of my life to ever get over. When you obtain what makes you happy, when what you've longed for most of your waking days falls into your lap over night... how do you give it up? I don't think I could ever let them go. Physically, yes. I have to. But in my heart, like a selfish child, I can't let go of a death-grip on them. It makes me feel weak. I shouldn't need someone who'se done the things they've done to me, I should be happy on my own. But I'm not. I'm weak for it, and pathetic. And I don't think I'll ever be able to really move on. Not really.
my best friend and i always bitch about how we hate the obsession with being thin, and skeletal models, but every night i look at pro-ana websites and wish i had the self-control to be that thin.
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