Questioning the Most Important Things

[mini_megs]

I've been thinking about "important things" lately. Yes, I think about what I want to be when I "grow up", but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about my faith, my religion, my proverbial personal constitution, my core beliefs, and the essence of who I am as a person, as an individual, as myself

Comments

[proudestmonkey0]

I'm sitting in my cubicle (still), but I'm gonna pray for you right now while I sit in the middle of a mountain of files. (can you picture the mountain?) :)

Thank you for sharing what is on your heart.

[karena02]

Wow, I miss read your comment and thought you were sitting in the middle of a mountain of flies... I got this strange mental image of you somewhere in the basement of an office building with a swingline stapler, swatting flies away from your head...

[proudestmonkey0]

No, that image was pretty accurate. Sans stapler. :)

[mini_megs]

Thank you for reading and responding. Please accept my apologies for being a closed book for so long, only ever allowing glimmers into the struggles that I deal with. It has always been my fear that if I allow others to see my struggles they will terminate our friendship- irrational I know, but I reality for me as long as I can remember. It's depressing trying to be who I think others want me to be, but it's hard to figure out who I am too! Thanks for being there =).

[mini_megs]

Thanks for not trying to convince me of anything... as I said, I'm not missing any of the theological pieces of Christianity, I'm missing the faith link that connects the head to the heart- a link that no one can give me, or convince me of.

I understand Gandhi's feelings. Yes, I know that you can't judge a religion by it's followers. I know that according to the Bible humans are flawed, and it's God's perfection alone that faith must be based on. I understand ALL of this, yet watching the way Christians treat each other and others frustrates me to no end, and leaves me wanting no part of it.

Where I get frustrated is when I want to see evidence of God. It's said that God can be seen in his people- afterall the Holy Spirit, a piece of God, resides with Christians and yet I don't see evidence of this. I don't see any divine love exchanged.

What I do see an exclusive sub-culture.

Re: Exclusive sub-culture

[mini_megs]

Apologies for the vagueness. If you've ever seen the movie "Saved" I think you'll know more about what I mean when I say exclusive sub-culture. While I've been "lucky" to be for the most part a member of the church "in crowd", I've seen how people who are different from the cookie cutter expectations of what a "good" Christian should be are excluded. If one deviates from the ideal whether it be in their choice of appearance, music, clothing, movies, or friends it's an unspoken no-no, punishable by whispering amongst the pews. While it's a religion based on including everyone in the kingdom of God, there are definitive conditions attached to this acceptance. These conditions are not merely conditions of belief or behavior, but of image. Any deviant image is viewed as inferior, and that's what I find so wrong- the superiority complex- something that Jesus explicity is an example against.

[cheekymunky]

I'm in the same boat my friend. You've inspired me to write about this later on tonight.

[keisler]

Hey Megs-
Now it's my turn to try and cheer you up. All I can say is it's too bad we never got to live together, seeing as how we've gone through alot of the same crap, and it seems like we can relate on alot of things. The best thing I can say to you is that I know what you are going through, because I have and still am going through it myself. I mean, God certainly does not seem very real, nor close to me at all, especially lately. Yet, people like you an I who grew up in Christian homes and were the exemplary high school and middle school students, we are expected to stay that way and never question God. It sucks that we have such high expectations to fulfill. Well, I really don't know what I'm trying to say, but I'm sure you get it, unlike many, well all, of my other friends. Believe me, I know what you're going through. But, instead of saying I will pray for you (which I will do) know that I will be thinking of you and hope you have someone up there to help you figure yourself out.
-Kristine

Characteristic Twins

[mini_megs]

Hey Kristine, thanks so much for your comment. Yes, we do seem to view the world in a lot of simiar ways, and I'm glad that we can share thoughts online even if not in person. I never made the connection between expectations and my struggle, but you couldn't be more right about the correlation. I've been sitting here trying to type out a response, but you're just RIGHT. It's a very difficult thing to explain, but thanks for understanding. I'm sorry that you deal with the same things, but it's always comforting to know one is not alone

[karena02]

You know, sometimes I think it takes this questioning period to get to a 'deeper' level of faith. In one of the Loma religion classes, we talked about the book "The Dark Night of the Soul" and how the transition into each "phase" toward Christian maturity is marked by a period where the believer can't feel God's presence. It's an interesting theory. I don't think you're going "to hell in a handbasket."
As far as hypocrisy being more concentrated in church, I agree with you - I've seen more Christian hypocrites than non-Christians. But on the flip side of that, can people who aren't striving for an ideal BE a hypocrite? I mean, Christians are supposed to be living by the Spirit to reach a "law" unattainable by human standards. When they don't live up to this 'law', they're hypocritical; non-Christians don't have the law to live up to, so they don't look like hypocrites. ...If none of that makes sense, pretend it's not there...
All that to say, I love you and I'll be praying that God makes Himself real to you again soon.

Hypocrisy and Impossible Standards

[mini_megs]

I understand your argument regarding the impossible standard. I should clarify that I don't get frustrated with Christians for failing at this standard (after being a Christian for a decade I understand the difficulty first hand). My complaint lies with people who claim that they ARE attaining this standard, not their inability to do so. It's when Christians act superior to others for having these standards while they're failing these standards that turns my stomach.

Thanks for being my friend Cara- you are so precious to me.