Missing God, Part 1

[mireille]

Sometime in the past few years, I've decided that I am not a Christian. I want to write about that slow realization, but it's too much, and too painful. I think I can approach it in pieces, though; I hope, I hope that this can start a healing process. I'm trying to express a really profound sense of loss, not engage in a discussion or debate over

Comments

[jliszka]

I'm going through something similar. I guess I'm a rationalist, and it's just getting hard to justify belief in these things anymore. I'm not all the way there yet, though. Right now I'm in a state of conflicted suspension, like a 7 chord that never resolves itself, believing and not believing... which causes this weird palpable discomfort in the back of my head. But -- maybe that's okay! I think if I were a Zen Buddhist, they would call that feeling "almost there."

Well anyway, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. It's funny, a couple of my friends have become significantly more religious recently. Maybe there's a conservation law or something.

[mireille]

It is pretty much impossible to perfectly justify religious belief rationally (apologies to apologetics)--but one of the beautiful things is that you don't have to. I think that people who examine their faith carefully and take doubts seriously end up with a stronger, happier relationship with their beliefs--even if it ends up being a bit of a paradox.

I like the conservation law. Or maybe it's an equilibrium?

[mireille]

It's hard to describe how it came about... if I tried to write it out, it would be so long that I'd never be happy with the organization. I'm hoping I can explain it part by part.

You're right, though, there are lots of kinds of Christians, and many of them exclude each other! I'm glad you can avoid getting caught up in that ^.^

Rorschach

[sliszka]

Is your reference to the rorschach test as a good or a bad test? because, it's really an awful test ;)
I've struggled with g-d myself, and some days are less conflicted than others... also, because Jason's reading this "how to read the bible" book and is going through being less religious, it's hard for me not to go through the same thing with him. I've realized that I'm not sure what I believe overall, but I think that the thing I've come to be okay with is not caring what my specific belief is. I do not have a personal relationship with g-d, I don't think that believing in g-d explains everything, but I recognize that since I grew up with the belief that being indecisive is almost... comforting.

Re: Rorschach

[mireille]

Haha, I read about it being a bad test when I looked up how to spell it! But I couldn't think of a better shorthand way to say "things that show you what you want to see." Even though that's not technically how they work (or don't work), I think it's the popular meaning.

I was really thinking of those ancient divining sticks whose interpretation was complicated enough that you could maybe convince yourself they were telling you whatever you wanted to hear--but that's too long of an explanation.

And "divining rod" was too much of a pun.

It is really hard when you differ from the people close to you on such fundamental beliefs, though. I know my family is concerned about me, and I really hope I don't spread my crippling doubts to any of my religious friends.

But I'm glad you're in a place where you're comfortable; that is not easy to do with indecision.

[chronofile]

I'm looking forward to reading more about this. My own transition away from Christianity was rather gradual, even though I managed to put off asking myself the big question of whether I had any reason left to believe in God for quite a while. Perhaps because it was so gradual, I can't say I experienced it as a loss.

[mireille]

Maybe I feel the loss more because the whole process seems to have only taken four years--and even though it was bit by bit, that is an awfully fast time to reorient your whole world view.

Thanks for reading.

Ascribing higher meaning

[mikej9919]

I think I've rarely seen one of your posts that read so wrenchingly. I'm sorry to hear it's been such a difficult process for you

Re: Ascribing higher meaning

[mireille]

I really appreciate your sympathy and your taking time to share your thoughts; I think that faith in a higher plan or greater purpose is one of the wonderful things about Christianity. I'm really, really glad that you still have that.

It's strange, I don't feel an absence of God--but really have just somehow completely broken away from my previous faith. I don't want to say that I'll never get it back but... when I was a Christian, I didn't believe that nonbelief to this degree was even possible. You're right, this could well be a part of some larger picture that I just don't understand--but for now, short of a miracle of biblical proportions, I don't see myself believing that again.

Thanks for understanding that this hurts.