Turbulence on Cloud 9

[misfitmanor]

DEPRECIATION

Her eyelids as heavy as a broken garage door, Runa came to haltingly, like a newborn fawn trying to stand, blinking slowly, until the haze began to lift.  Gradually, her world came into focus, revealing glaring fluorescent overhead lights, a bed railing, and... a heart monitor?  She was in a hospital.  She tried to sit up, but couldn’

Comments

[dee_aar2]

SO I have read almost all the entries this week and keeping tab on my favorite ladies ... Runa definitely figures in top 3. Well done for humane touch to an otherwise could-tend-to-go-cold plot.

[misfitmanor]

Thanks so much! I'm glad the direction of the ending is being well received... I wasn't really sure where I was going with it until I got there, but it suddenly hit me at the last minute, and I just ran with it. Happy it is working for you and so many others! :)

[bleodswean]

EXCELLENT!!! You hooked me entirely and I loved being hooked in that way and the payoff was worth it!

[misfitmanor]

I am SO glad to know that you were hooked... I had worried the beginning dragged a bit, and was a tad concerned over length. Also, really appreciating the comments from folks who are happy with the ending... squeee! (It really pays to have being a newlywed color your perspective on life, apparently! ;)

[bleodswean]

Heh! Soooooooooo cute. You two.

Yes, the beginning was the stronger part for me. It moves along very, very nicely and at the right pace with the right amount of reveal; building this dread and making the mystery that much more enticing. I think....you could actually break the second half down and really quadruple this piece in length.

[misfitmanor]

Yes, I'm certain if I'd done the reveal through dialogue explanation, the last half would have been 6 - 8 times as lengthy as the first half, but I figured I needed to mix it up... once the shock was over, there was an intensity and a sense of urgency behind the need to know... I'm sure it would have been the same for the reader, too. Still, I could certainly have taken a bit more time to show in more detail what was happening, rather than a wall of exposition text, but by that time I'd been writing for 3 days already, and the deadline was just hours away, so, alas, it determined the fate here.