Not really a Hockey Primer (part 1)
Oh my god I made a second post for squee_challenge. I might actually get this thing done. I have til August right? Anyways, it's the start of playoffs! So here, have a primer..
Okay, so, this is not (technically) a primer. This is a collection of ridiculous information that I know after being a hockey fan for 24 years, with a lot of commentary due to stuff I've noticed in fandom and is clearly biased to my favorite teams. Now with extra bias by jiele aka that one who likes the devils midnightbex is purple and sorry, kinetikatrue is blue. solar_cat is in pink.*G* auctorial is this other shade of blue aaaand really doesn’t have anything useful to add but can ramble incoherently about things, I guess. Obnoxious green Red is masterpenguin82 If you can't see the colors I'm... sorry? I swear multiple people contributed to this, and I'm not just having arguments with myself. Oh yeah, orange is my comments.
Anyway! This is kind of informative, and covers a lot of random stuff about hockey, and it's been sitting in my gdocs for over a month, so hey, Primer! Apparently we are very very wordy, and colors are hard, so this is in multiple posts. Also, commentary was not deleted, so some of it rambles across time and thus is no longer relevant. You're welcome.
REALLY ROUGH BASICS
Okay so there are 30 teams, in two conferences with three divisions each. Eastern = Northeast, Atlantic, Southeast ; Western = Northwest, Central, Pacific. Teams are generally split up geographically, but this gets messed up when teams decide to up and move, which would be why Winnepeg is in the Southeast division. A more logical realignment is in the works, but so far both sides haven’t signed off on it. Mostly bc Florida teams don’t want to be in the Northeast division, which makes sense to me. Um, yes. Also their insistence on putting Nashville in the Western Conference will never not be hilarious to me. They're in the central time zone. Latest realignnment plan is off to the next … whoever for approval. NHLPA passed it. Board of whatever. Directors?
Oh no longer. Here's the new alignment, 30 teams in 4 conferences!
No I still don't get why Florida is super special. Probably because detroit has been wanting in the east for aaaaages, and they canNOT split up the current atlantic division. Pretty sure there’d be blood, besides how CLOSE the devils, rangers, isles, and elder gods Flyers are geographically speaking. Also possibly nobody gives a shit about florida? ...or all those northern teams wanted florida mini!vacations... I think thats what it really is (also because apparently lots of random canadians take vacation in florida and go watch games down south - same in phoenix) I think it’s also likely that at least one of these teams is going to move to either Quebec or Toronto. Both cities have been petitioning for an NHL team recently and have stadiums they want to build.
Anyways! 82 games in a season (unless there's a lockout, and then Fuck You NHL), about half of which are played on home ice. At home the team wears their colored jersey, and away they wear their white-based jersey. And sometimes just for fun when they're home they wear their third / alternative / throw-back jersey, which can occasionally lead to HILARIOUS looking ridiculousness. Ahem. The Devils don’t have an alternate. Because Owner/GM/EVERYTHING Lou Lamoriello says f no. They HAVE used their old red-and-green vaguely elf-like uniforms as “vintage”, though. Neither do the Redwings. The third jersey of the Penguins is cursed. If you don't believe me, look at what Sidney Crosby and/or Evgeni Malkin has been wearing when they got injured over the past 3 years. Yeah. The Penguins officially got rid of their third jersey btw! Apparently too many people believed it was *cursed* (which is valid if you ask me. Geno and Sidney both got hurt in it this year alone).
Home team is listed last in the fancypants scoring graphics on TV (either rightmost or on the bottom) If you’re on the side facing the benches, the home bench is on the right, Home goal starts on the right, and they switch ends every period. OT and shootouts are the same as the 1st/3rd periods - on the right.
Teams put 6 men on the ice at a time, usually 3 forwards, 2 defense and 1 goalie, though technically you can pull your goalie and leave an empty net in order to get another player. USUALLY this is only done in the final minutes of the game. and maybe if there’s a delayed penalty? YES if there’s a delayed penalty! I’ve also seen this at the end of a period recently, not just the end of a game.
Games are 3 periods of 20 minutes each. If the game ends in a tie, there's a 5 minute 4-on-4 OverTime colloquially known as Sudden Death because first team to score wins! If no one wins in OT then it goes to a shoot out, where it's one player vs the goalie and the player can do whatever they want (well, basically, as long as they are moving forward and not like, picking up the puck) to try and score. This leads to some truly gorgeous goals and some truly hilarious fuck ups. Nowadays its a best of three, and then they just keep adding a round until one team has more goals. (Unless its the playoffs and then they just keep playing Sudden Death OT until someone scores or the players die. Ya know, whichever)
Teams get 2 points if they win the game, 0 points if they lose the game during regulation, and 1 point if they lose during OT or the shootout. (Games used to end in ties, but some time between the late 90s and now that ended and thank god it did)
After the regular season, the team with the most points wins The President's Trophy. It's kind of cursed. The best 8 teams in each conference (this will always include the top team in each division, even if those teams' points totals wouldn't get them into the top 8 otherwise) go to the Playoffs. Each round of the playoffs is a best of seven. Winner gets the Stanley Cup, which is the huge ass trophy that they carve basically every franchise person's name on to (I'm talking players, management, staff, etc). This is why they keep adding "tiers" to the cup. So one day they will either have to retire Stanley (BLASPHEMY) or it will eventually be taller than Chara. I think they’re removable? Like.... they fill a band and then stick it in a museum somewhere and add a shiny new one for more engraving. QUIET YOU or I will take away your editing skills. (wait, really? That's kinda lame, so how do they decide who's left on? That cup is definitely larger than it used to be) I think it’s a chronological thing? idk. the cup they pass around isn’t even the original cup anyway. THE HISTORY IS KIND OF HILARIOUS. Okay apparently they stopped doing this in the 60s, and now they remove the top row and add a new one on the bottom. I like my theory better. Whatever; the winning team keeps the cup for the year, and every player gets a "day" with the cup, leading to ridiculous videos of various indignities players subject Lord Stanley to. Oh the stories that cup could tell...
NHL TEAMS (as split by their current divisions)
East-Northeast
Montreal Canadiens or Les Canadiens de Montréal. Damn that “e”. --- they're FRENCH Canadian and just as obnoxious as they sound. AKA the Habs. Colors are red and white and blue. Bleu Blanc Rouge, baby. One of the "Original Six" which actually isn't as important as hockey fans will try to make it sound. Relevant is that this club is fucking ancient--founded 1909 and PRE-DATES the NHL. Have Carey Price as their #1 goaltender - both up-and-coming and First Nations. he does rodeo stuff for fun. which is kind of amazing. The Habs apparently have a stupid-low number of french-canadians on their roster now. I guess they got so much crap for being exclusionary or something, idk. Their Captain now is their first non-french-canadian captain? Gionta. Yes! His brother plays for the Devils. They play at Centre Bell (Bell Center), which also has bouncy boards, and is FUCKING LOUD. The habs fans are craaaaaayyyyyy. I would be so scared to be a Canadien. They get vicious. Hockey, the only time in the world it's scary to be Canadian Canadians: invented a pastime involving knives on their feet and clubs in their hands. I suppose maybe they can only be credited with the knives idea as an original, but.... oy. ilthem Apparently its scary to be a Canadian Baseball player too. They got in a wicked bench-clearing scrum with the Mexican team during the WBC. omg i saw that on some highlights show. hilarious.
Toronto Maple Leafs (yes, that’s how it’s spelled) --- easy, they got the big leaf on their chest! Blue and White. The other Canadian team in the "Original Six". More relevantly, they’re one of the oldest clubs still in the league. Founded in 1917, which is not-so-coincidentally the year the NHL was founded. Its founding is this whole hilarious little-kid treehouse club fight thing. They kind of technically pre-date the NHL, but they don’t count the pre-NHL years since they ditched their original owner for the NHL
Ottawa Senators - Also red and black, with a mascot that looks more like the USC Trojan mascot than a "senator". But whatever. Sergei Gonchar used to play for the Penguins back when Geno made his Grand Escape. I suspect this primer is going to end up with a "Russian Knitting Circle" section I didn’t even mention that Geno lived with him yet! Well I knew that part This is the SECOND franchise to have this name. The current Sens’ alternate uniform is a shoutout to the original!Senators. Currently being somewhat butt-hurt over the Matt Cooke-on-Erik Karlsson lacerated Achilles tendon situation ...and yet are only two points behind the Pens in the EHC standings.
Boston Bruins --- Brown and gold and black! Home of Seguin and Rask (of the terrifying mask) and Chara. Won the cup in 2011! Used to be home of Ray Bourque, who literally played for us for 20 odd years without ever winning the Stanley Cup. Everyone told him to go play for a better team including Bruins fans. He went to the Avalanche and won the cup in one season and promptly retired. His son plays for Boston now (the announcers were SO EXCITED, it was adorable). And has JUST been put on waivers, so the internets are joking that the Avs should pick him up and get some cup mojo out of it. (Original Six!) I am forever amused that they (commentators? idr) call Brad Marchand the little ball of hate or whatever it is. Boston Media did it. Whoops? It’s amazing.
Buffalo Sabres -- Blue and Gold. IDK, they're practically Canadian. They have both “Oh, Canada” AND “The Star-Spangled Banner” sung to open their games. Because they're practically Canadian. Mutant and proud. OOPS wrong fandom. The only fact I can remember about them is that Danny Briere was briefly their Captain. Patrick Kane of Blackhawks fame is from Buffalo. He bought a giant-ass mansion-thing on lake Erie there a year or two ago. Obviously this basically-canadian-ness is somehow relevant. I think the Buffalo area produces the most hockey players in the US? Not 100% on that though. This lends even more credence to the "Practically Canadian" theory! It does. They also got the first non-Canadian Tim Hortons so basically Buffalo = American Canada. “non-Canadian”, I think you mean. They DID have the longest-tenured coach in the NHL, I believe--Lindy Ruff; 15 seasons-ish--who they just fired because the Sabres keep losing. Their primary goaltender, Ryan Miller, represented the USA in the 2010 Olympics.
East-Atlantic
New York Rangers --- Red, White and Blue. For fic purposes, it's the home of King Henrik Lundvquist and Marc Staal and Rick Nash. They have a vicious rivalry with the Flyers and the Devils. Was the home of Mark Messier in the 90s who basically came from Edmonton after winning 5 Stanley Cups, pulled the team together and won them their first Stanley Cup in AGES. (Original Six!) Play at MSG. Called the “blueshirts”, which makes me laugh because the Leafs used to be that. Captain’s Ryan Callahan, Ranger!Staal has one A, Brad Richards has the other one. Coached by John Tortorella of Bolts (etcetera) fame. Torts’ eyebrows scare me. But he is absolutely hilarious. And such a New Yorker; he bitches out his own team to the media on a regular basis.
New York Islanders --- because NY refuses to have just one team for any sport. Colors Blue and Orange, kinda like the Oilers, but execution much worse. They have John Tavares as their ~shining star~. Apparently moving to Brooklyn in a couple seasons. The owner of this team is apparently terribly tight fisted in regards to funds and the are STILL in the worst arena in the country. They’re pretty well known for not being able to get free agents to sign with them and having players traded to them refuse to actually go there and play. Nassau (Veterans Memorial) Coliseum is IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE (aka Long Island). Hilarious you say they're tightfisted, when they were one of the first teams to hit the new salary cap didn’t they just take tim thomas from the bruins since he’s fucked off not playing anyway? HE APPARENTLY NEEDED A YEAR OFF, OKAY? They took Thomas for the cap hit. Also they owe like $3 million in back rent to the Nassau Coliseum so yeah. Another “up-and-coming” “rebuilding” team. In possession of some Russians fandom dgaf about...probably because ISLANDERS. poor Nabby.
New Jersey Devils -- Red, Black, and White. They're annoying. HDU! lol. Formerly the Colorado Rockies. Have basically the most badass goaltender, Marty Brodeur. They ALSO have a bb!goaltender (just got his first few minutes of NHL icetime the other day) named Keith Kinkaid. Obvs his nickname should be Kinky. Doc Emrick aka Very Epic Hall of Fame Commentator was the Devils’ commentator for years and years. He works nationally now. And is calling this avs/hawks game right now. lol. They have a rep for being a low-scoring, strongly defensive team iirc. Kovy-of-the-insane-ice-time! Adam Henrique, Patrik Elias, David Clarkson, ALL OF THEM. not that anyone cares, but there was an awesomely amusing moment in the playoffs where carts high-sticked henrique for no fucking reason mysteriously soon after richie took a minor. i gotta look that up, cause it was hilarious, I stick to my comment that the only thing you need to know about the Devils is that they're annoying :-P They are a well-named team. Okay. Actually relevant information about the Devils. Their number one goaltender is Marty Brodeur just passed his 1,200th regular-season game played. His individual stats are higher than those of 6 NHL teams. (that is actually BADASS) Which is insane. He was drafted 20th overall in 1990--yes, 1990, dude’s 40--and was one of Canada’s backups in the 2010 Olympics. Most well-known player besides Marty is probably Ilya Kovalchuk (Ilya, Kovy, Ilyusha). He used to be the former!Thrashers!Jets’ Rick Nash, basically. Atlanta drafted him first overall in 2001, blah, blah, time passes, SAVE OUR FRANCHISE, blah. The Thrashers offered him a 12-year extension in 2010 and he rejected it, so they traded him to Jersey. He gets d-man levels of icetime, idek, it’s insane. Said Thrashers later wound up with some of the Hawks’ cup-winning team (Andrew Ladd, their current Captain, and … someone else. Byfuglien?). Stephen Gionta is the Canadiens’ Captain Brian’s brother. Iirc, Henrique used to play with... one of the bb!Oilers in Windsor. Idr.
Philadelphia Flyers. --- Blinding Orange. Home of the Briouxes (Briere and Giroux) and bane of the Penguins, Devils, Rangers... Actually most everyone hates them. Even their fans, on occasion (though that's true of any Philly team). BROAD STREET BULLIES. that is all. Also their logo looks like some sort of Elder God. It’s awesome. I actually meant to come back and add that nickname in. Philly has ISSUES okay? I have a strange love for the Flyers and their insanity. also ORANGE. Proud (?) owners of one of the ...odder goalies around, Ilya Bryzgalov. His current (new) mask is Star Wars-themed. Vader and Yoda and all that. Apparently has thoughts about the universe? idk. They’re also known for frequent trades. They prefer to trade to build a team than take the ‘draft kids and let them grow up’ route. so basically....fuck loyalty, we’ll just BUY EVERYTHING? lol. Elder God logo v. suitable. Do you know of another team that would trade so many of it’s best players after losing in the finals, including their current Captain? They’re pretty brutal. Elder. Gods. Maybe THAT’S why Bryz is so odd... Philly isn't known for loyalty to their sports stars; kind of hilarious really, considering how much people live and die by their teams there. Apparently they've been doing pretty well by Chris Pronger in his hour of need, though...possibly because he's INSANE and thinks he's coming back to hockey after LOSING HIS PERIPHERAL VISION. I thought he said he wasn't coming back? It was brought up during the Staal discussion. He just did a press conference today in which he REFUSED TO RULE OUT THE POSSIBILITY THAT HE MIGHT COME BACK. Despite the fact that he currently cannot engage in any activity that significantly raises his heart-rate, keeps needing to get his glasses prescription strengthened, and hasn't stopped getting concussion-related headaches. Wow. dedication, much? (stubborn idiocy? idk) JUST GO BE A FIGURE SKATER ALREADY. OMG Pronger, I love you but no. YOU CANNOT PLAY HOCKEY ANYMORE He's not. Indefinite IR. Poor dude
Pittsburgh Penguins --- black and gold. Home of Lemieux, Crosby, Letang, Neal, Fleury, Malkin.... And now Iginla. Arguably the best looking team. Won the cup in 2009. More about Mario Lemieux later! (I love that none of us have anything to say about them) They’re just so squeaky clean, what can you say? The most interesting parts of their history I know are covered in the Lemieux and Crosby sections. Wait, do I need a Crosby section? All you need to know is that he's considered to be 'the next one' and that he's crazy superstitious. To the point of obsessiveness. And he recently took a puck to the face and lost half his teeth and is now part titatium, thus confirming all Robot rumors and is out until playoffs, at least. and yet still winning the points race, Jesus And that the team wouldn’t exist anymore if they hadn’t drafted him. They were basically a season or two away from getting sold & moved when he was a rookie. And that he signed a contract to stay with them for approximately FOREVER The fans can be.....passionate(ly loud about booing them when they suck) (lol i got nothing) And they get a fair bit of shit over Matt Cooke and his, ah, playing style. But, he doesn’t play like that anymore! KHL-wise, Geno play(ed/s) for Metallurg Magnitogorsk, in the middle of nowhere. Ray Shero is the general Manager and essentially traded a half-eaten sandwich for a whole bunch of nhl captains. They collected Morrow of the Stars and Iginla of the Flames (who now really suck without him, good move guys, thunbs up! Iginla requested the trade though and picked which team he went to out of the offers, so I don’t think you can actually blame the Flames GM for this one - point..) as well as Doug Murray of the Sharks for practically nothing. It'll be interesting to see what happens in the summer given that a whole bunch of players contracts are up for renewal (Tanger, Geno, Adams, Iginla, Dupuis...) and it's already acknowledged that they can't keep everybody. Anyone have a significant event happening on Draft Day? You may find yourself getting a phone call and being traded then (as is what happened to Jordan Staal, who got traded on his wedding day). As mentioned earlier, the Pens third jerseys are cursed, i don't know why they continued to wear them as long as they have. Anytime they've been worn it seems like one of the players leaves on a stretcher. Good riddance to them. The pens have a rotating roster largely due to the fact that a whole bunch of their players, inc Sid, Tanger, Martin, Nealer and whoever else i've forgotten, have been out on IR. I don't think they've had a fully healthy line up since the beginning of the season.
East-Southeast
Washington Capitals -- home of Alex Ovechkin aka Ovie. Red white and blue, as befitting the team from the US capital. Logo is clever as something to put on, like, business cards, but looks dumb on hockey jerseys. Ovie has...not been doing great the last while. Their new(est) Head Coach, Adam Oates, was an AC with the Devils during their 2011-12 cup run, and they have all the good to say about him. Eh. HE IS NOT A RIGHT WINGER IT WORKED FOR KOVY. ofc he may just be a more versatile player, ultimately. Or Ovie may just need to first adjust to having a coach he can trust and then adjust to changes in position (full disclosure: Caps fan, here). i wish people would quit giving him shit for not being the be-all-end-all of caps hockey after all the change and whatnot. Ovie belongs to the KHL’s Dynamo Moscow when he’s … in the KHL for lockout-related reasons. Also Nicklas Backstrom of the Geico ads (and of the being-taken-to-Dynamo-with-Ovie-during-the-lockout). Not to be confused with Niklas Backstrom (no “c”), the goalie. Dammit, Nicky, just go by your actual first name? No? Okay, fine, Lars is a boring name anyway, when you can just confuse people. OVIE IS NOW BEING AWESOME AND HAD THE GREATEST MONTH EVER. HE IS FIRST IN GOALS IN THE NHL. WTF, RUSSIAN MACHINE NEVER BREAKS. That learning to trust his coach and play in the new system comment earlier was DEAD ON. YAY OVIE.
Carolina Hurricanes --- Red and Black! Won the cup in 2006 and no one knows how. Home of the other three Staal brothers (Jordan and Eric, with Jared on the AHL Checkers) and Jeff Skinner, aka the tiny figure skater who now plays hockey (seriously where is that gif of his spin move to avoid a hit earlier this season? THAT WAS MAGIC OKAY). And Sasha Semin, which makes Ovie sad. Formerly the Hartford Whalers. And Cam Ward! Who's so awesome, Gamecenter had to tell me 8 times that the poor bb got hurt. Their commentators are the best though, they adore their team, it's hilarious to listen to them gush about Sasha Semin and how he was so under appreciated on the Caps. Unfortunately the Checkers charge like, 100 dollars per ticket, so screw Carolina. :-P Seriously? That’s crazy! You can get four IceHogs tickets on the ice for $80. The Worcester IceCats used to give tickets away, I refuse to pay that much for tickets. Hell I can go see TAMPA BAY for less than $10.
Tampa Bay Lightning --- Blue. Eh, its Florida though Stamkos plays there and he's compared to Crosby a lot, so he's eventually going to be even more awesome! Don't know if that will help Tampa Bay at all. Oo but when they're home and TB scores, they make actual electricity (ala Frankenstein lab esque!) up in the rafters! Rangers’ current Head Coach, John Tortorella, used to coach the Bolts. Apparently he’s kind of legendary down there. YUP. He basically saved the team. You should read their Wikipedia page some time, their history is HILARIOUS. They went through like, 5 owners in 6 years, were audited by the IRS and suspected as being a money-laundering scheme for the Japanese mafia. And then Tortorella became their coach, they got a new owner, and they won the Cup . ..so they were suspected of laundering money for the Japanese, then an Italian dude came down (to Florida) and fixed everything? lolllllll now i want mob!au
Florida Panthers --- no I don't know why they have two teams. Not sure how much longer they'll be there either, considering they can't GIVE tickets away to their home games. They have Markstrom aka "The Alien" on their team - aka a 6'7 goalie. Please remember that goals are only 4 feet high. Uh huh. They have two teams because Florida is where retirees from cold places move to aka old hockey fans. I don’t think that reason is working out too well for them though. If realignment goes through the way it is now they’ll be in the Northeast conference Now that realignment has gone through they’re in the Northeast conference and can potentially draw a larger crowd since they’ll be playing teams like the Flyers, Pens, Habs, etc. I'm sorry to say that no one in Fort Lauderdale (which is basically where Sunrise is) cares... we went a few times and tickets were like, 5 bucks, and they STILL couldn't get the damn stadium filled. Are they the ones with the palm trees on their shoulders? They're the weird attacking panther, and yeah the crossed palm trees. They should be the alligators. Alligators on ice would be amusing
Winnipeg Jets --- New team.. recently. Funny story, they stole them from Atlanta. Used to be the Atlanta Thrashers! Not to be confused with the OLD Jets, who went on to Phoenix. Colors are blue, white, silver and their mascot is a Jet! Shocking, I know. Despite being in Canada they're in the Southeast Division, causing everyone and his brother to call for a realignment (yet again) of the conferences. Captained by Andrew Ladd (formerly of the Hawks). They became the Winnipeg Jets and moved prior to the 2011-12 season. SUPER NEW. After realignment they’re in the western division and will be in Conference 3 (have they named these yet because I haven’t seen it anywhere?) with the Blackhawks (and other teams I care less about).
West-Northwest
Vancouver Canucks --- eh, they're Canadian. Home of the Sedin twins. (Identical twins, offense, center and winger, on the same line. Hilarious they have been known to switch places, both on the ice and in the locker room. Many a 'guess which twin' game as been played with the media, which makes them awesome in my book!). Also Ryan Kesler, who was on the 2010 US Olympic team. And Luongo, who has one of the better player twitters and everyone WAS ABSOLUTELY SURE WAS GOING TO BE TRADED at the beginning of the season...and yet continues to split net-minding duties with Corey Schneider. Colors are blue and green...and look their mascot is a REALLY ANGRY SHARK. Or maybe a dolphin. Pretty sure it’s a pacific-northwest-native-art-style Orca. Could be a shark tho. It’s an orca. Also Luongo STILL CAN’T GET TRADED. Poor bb.
Edmonton Oilers --- Colors are blue and orange and kind of ridiculous looking. Used to be this AMAZING team that won 5 Stanley cups in 7 years in the 80s. Now sort of young, ridiculous and stuck in constant rebuilding. Gretzky played for them. Gretzky is a GOD. More on Gretzky later. IIRC owner of the second out Muslim in the NHL (Yakupov). If that’s relevant. Also the proud owners of the kid line aka sucking so hard 3 years in a row they got the #1 pick in the draft. They do the Flying V, I'll forgive them
You could probably just link everyone to Oil Change re: the ever ongoing rebuild of this team instead of trying to explain.
Calgary Flames - They ALSO used to be in Atlanta! Atlanta really can't hold on to a hockey team. Red and black. Starriest star is probably Jarome Iginla. He’s been there forever. Aaaand apparently is looking for a trade maybe? I wouldn't blame him. That team sucks and I mean that in the actual playing sense. Which makes sense, since he is now a Penguin. So there is literally nothing to know about this team except that they exist. They exist and are terrible, also haven’t made it to the playoffs in a BILLION YEARS. And as noted in the Penguins section just traded their longtime Captain Jarome Iginla to the Pittsburgh Penguins. THE END OF AN ~ERA~.
Colorado Avalanche--- formed sometime in the 90s... They used to be the Quebec Nordiques, moved before the 1995-1996 season. I really only remember the Bourque thing. They have the youngest ever Captain though. Gabriel Landeskog; named Captain at 19 years, 286 days old. (totally cheated on that one, it was just up on the pregame show) I believe they won the Stanley Cup a few times right after moving the team to Colorado from Quebec, but I’m not familiar enough with them to tell you the number of times or years. I know they won in 2001, cuz thats when we kicked Bourque over to them. And we sent him there to win, so I'm assuming they probably won a few times before that. Killed the Hawks’ season-opening points streak. Good for them? A brief highlight for them this season, yes. Currently last in the league. A picture of Gabriel Landeskog’s face is probably the only explanation you need for why there’s fic about this team anyway. Here’s his rookie photo which is just UNFAIR. (Also I just spent way too long looking at pictures of his face. Don’t do that, it’s probably bad for your health.)
Minnesota Wild -- They look like Christmas elves! Their uniforms are dark green and red! And the away jerseys have Christmas trees on them. NO I AM NOT JOKING. Signed Suter (prev a Pred) and Parise (prev a Devil) over the offseason because Minni was the team that could and would sign both of them. And Parise was all BUT I’M FROM MINNIE AND I WANNA GO HOOOME ahem. Also iirc he took a pay cut to match their offer to Suter. 13 year deals too. That just seems insane. Founded in ‘97 as an expansion team. The Minnesota team used to be the North Stars who I believe became the Dallas Stars. Nope, they were formed new in 2000! Their first season was 2000-01 but the expansion was granted and the organization began forming in ‘97 same year as the Atlanta Thrashers (now the Winnipeg Jets).
West-Central
Detroit Redwings --- have more Stanley Cups than anyone else in the league. Original Six! Historically home to lots of Russian players (is it the Red uniforms? They do look JUST LIKE the old Soviet uniforms) Originally called the Detroit Cougars, so do with that what you will! Also have a weird ass tradition of throwing an octopus on to the ice during the playoffs for good luck. They enjoy having their captain/alternate patches on the opposite side from EVERYONE ELSE because apparently that’s how they roll. It's because of the weird ass stitching of their uniforms. I wish it was for a more "Fuck You" reason, but its really because their tailor sucks What is with the octopus thing? I know they’ve tried to stop it but fans smuggle them in their pants to get them in now. It was a good luck thing that some local owner of a fish shop started? IDK the history really, I just know its been going on for ages, and there is one guy who's job it is to pick up the octopus. Lol, yes, the octopus. The Joe Louis Arena has a big-ass purple octopus hanging from the ceiling (or used to, IDK if it’s still there), and it’s basically the mascot. So, octopi are a thing. I do not know where it came from, though. An explanation! Courtesy of isweedan
Also, yes, LOTS of Russians in the 90s especially, and a large part of Michigan still hasn’t forgiven Fedorov for leaving. *points to self* *points to self in deference to her brother who was born in Detroit and thus claims all Michigan teams* Major players right now are of course Datsyuk and Zetterberg, who’ve been with the Wings forever and a day. Big names of the past include Steve Yzerman (Captain of the Wings during a good chunk of the glory days in the 90s, current GM of the Tampa bay Lightning) and Brendan Shanahan (SHANNY, wore the A, now known as the guy who makes all the modslap videos and hands out suspensions in the Office of Player Safety). The boards at Joe Louis are particularly ~lively. God those videos are hilarious. He explained BOARDING to us! (PS it's when a guy slams another guy into the boards REALLY HARD from kind of far away) Zetterberg has the best beard ever, this is clearly important information. Definitely. Shanahan’s twitter links all of those videos if you want to pick one I just want to link to the NHL awards vids, but I think we'll do that under Players to Know
Chicago Blackhawks--- home to Toews, Kane, Sharp, Keith, Seabrook, Shaw, Hossa.... Won the cup in 2010. The last of the Original Six, but were basically sucking until the 2008 turn around with the drafting and rebuilding around Kane and Toews. Currently on the craziest run for the beginning of the season, being 21-0-3, meaning they have yet to lose a game in regulation this season and have franchise record 10 win game streak (and are now unbeaten in regulation for the entire first half of their season. ENTIRE FIRST HALF). On track to beat everybody ever and then do it again. And again. And hopefully break the President's Trophy curse Coach Q used to coach the Avalanche apparently. Yay pre-game shenanigans! They mostly sucked prior to the rebuild because the old owner Bill Wirtz was terrible. The reason no one was a hockey fan in Chicago was that the games weren’t aired on local TV stations and the tickets were some of the most expensive in the league. Bill Wirtz claimed televising the games was ‘unfair to season ticket holders’. When his son took over ownership he started televising games halfway through the 07-08 season. This is why if you read rookie interviews from Kane and Toews they talk about getting the stands filled and the games on tv. wow. that dude was way dumb. As dumb as BlackOuts on NHL GameCenter random: the atlanta hawks bball team used to be (ages ago) the black hawks, but they changed to just “hawks” when the left the chicago area because nobody would’ve gotten the reference. yay regional heroes? Blackhawk is definitely a very regional hero. I’m always surprised when people talk about the name being racist before I realize they aren’t from the area and don’t realize it’s not a tribe but a regional Native American hero. And Chicago is named the Blackhawks because the original owner was in a brigade (?) in WW1 known as the "Blackhawks" after that regional Native American hero. I think it’s less the name than the kind of caricature-ish Stereotypical Indian Warrior Dude logo. eh. That’s what the internet is for. They finally lost in regulation. to the AVALANCHE. lolwat ALSO Kaner has this thing where he won’t wear a mouthguard. Apparently he used to sort-of wear one, but then he went to Switzerland and just... stopped. Because he thinks they’re distracting. ??? They are distracting, to him! B/c he spends like 99% of the time chewing on it and it’s only ever in his mouth properly like 1% of the time anyway. HE DOES WEAR A VISOR, THO. HE ISN’T TOTALLY STUPID. unlike ~25% of the league, who’d rather risk taking a puck to the fucking EYE. Poor ranger!staal. DDDDDDDx SHARPY IS BACK. CURRENTLY IN FIRST PLACE AND DOING AWESOME Sharpy still hasn’t lost in regulation! XD (though I probably just jinxed it) ALSO FIRST TEAM TO CLINCH A PLAYOFF SPOT THIS SEASON! \0/
St Louis Blues --- idk but apparently Oshie plays there Expansion Six, iirc. Have musical notes on their jerseys because their name is in reference to exactly what it says on the tin: The Blues. “Saint Louis Blues” is a(n old classic) song. They’re actually a pretty strong team, but I really only know about Broshie. Captained by David Backes, who played for Team USA at Vancouver. Made it to the finals their first three seasons, but have never, EVER won the cup. They’re the last of the franchises added in the 1967-68 expansion from the “original” six (what is that? like 44 years?) to not have a cup. (Not counting the merged-then-sort-of-unmerged seals-then-barons-then-north-stars-then-not-exactly-sharks.) Playoffs they got to. Finals not so much. Chris Pronger used to play for them. When he wasn’t concussed and half-blind.
Columbus Blue Jackets - I don't know anything about this team. Except that they sent their coach and their GM to Jeff Carter's house (iirc they sent Nash as well. And was it his house or his place down the shore where he retreated to sulk/mope/plot revenge?) to get his ass to Columbus after the Flyers traded him. Oh, and they're the reason that there are now nets behind the goals above the ice, because a young girl got hit in the head with a puck from a high slap-shot and died. They're also Rick Nash's former team and thus now home to Dubi and Anisimov b/c Torts and the rest of Rangers management decided they had a hard-on for Nash and his bigness and his hands. (And now Gaborik too, cause Columbus is the new new york rangers.) The other commentators seem to be catching on to the bigness. And the hands. I believe it was his place at the shore bc it was the off-season just before the trade deadline and when Carter and Richard’s no-trade clauses kicked in. (Basically the Flyers were super assholes with those trades) And then karma kicked in. Or someone's fairy godparent. Some kind of magic had to be involved, no idea how that turned out so well for them otherwise! Yeah, Carts went to mope at the Jersey Shore and they had to send management down to convince him that Columbus was not a fate worse than death. (Which is obviously a lie.) and then Nash asks to be traded. ahahaha. Would YOU want to play on a team with a kid who thought it was so horrible he went and sulked on the shore?? Help me, Jeff Carter! You’re my only hope! … lol. winning is fun, so I hear. maybe the olympic win sped his decision along. Must not forget to mention that the columbus twitter account has an epic bff/romance thing going with the LA Kings twitter. #lumbus ALSO have any of you seen their backup mascot Boomer?? IT KILLS ME THAT HE’S AN OFFICIAL MASCOT YOU GUYS.
Nashville Predators -- Gold and blue. I literally know NOTHING ELSE about this team. Except that for some reason they're in the Western Conference and have NEVER WON ANYTHING. Home of Shea Weber (he has the 2nd hardest shot in the league??? wasn’t there a video of this from one of the All Star weekends? - the abandoned half of Weber and Suter (who is now with the elven Wild and his BFF Parise). Also, home to Mike Fisher, who's married to Carrie Underwood. I think the saber-toothed cat is something to do with a fossil, but idr. One of their goalies is Pekka Rinne, who has an awesome name and is actually a pretty good goaltender? There’s definitely been some buzz?
Western-Pacific
San Jose Sharks -- teal! Um. And their mascot is a shark? And San Jose is in a desert, so no frickin clue. and their arena sounds are all, like, jaws-esque. because they’re clever like that. I think they were formed when the North Stars went to Dallas in this weird merger-split thing 1993-ish. Okay, so, MERGER SPLIT THING: back in 1967, when six new teams were added to the NHL, one of them was the California Seals, (Shouldn’t that be California Seals?) who had been the San Francisco Seals of the WHL prior to their acquisition and relocation to Oakland; just under a decade later, they got acquired by the Gund family and relocated to Cleveland and became the Cleveland Barons, a move that lasted only two seasons before the financial troubles of both the Barons and the North Stars brought about a merger of the two teams; thirteen seasons after that, the merger was undone when the Gunds became the owners of the expansion team that became the Sharks and took half the North Stars roster with them to seed their new team. So, from San Francisco and back again. From shark food to sharks. and even so they don’t have a cup, cause the (north) stars didn’t win until they moved to dallas. Pretty sure they skate out of a shark’s open jaws at the opening of their games, so they gets points for that at least.
Phoenix Coyotes -- also in the desert! Perpetually bankrupt. Gretzky couldn't save this team and man he tried (coaching) Won their division last year, but couldn't make it past the Kings. Former Original!Winnipeg Jets. Their captain, Shane Doan, is the last of the team who played for them before the relocation. Currently the team is owned by the NHL. AND they have arena issues. Also feature Raffi Torres (not anymore! Traded to the sharks!), who got an 8-game suspension for the hit he made on Hoss during the playoffs last year. ALSO Paul Bissonnette AKA BizNasty, owner of one of the other better player twitters. Mike Smith, who was a really really amazing goalie last year, apparently not so much this year. Rumors have the NHL moving the team to Toronto or Quebec Ciy soon-ish, but there are no Actual Plans in place. Isn’t there a rumor about the NHL adding two expansion teams there to balance out the conferences? ADDED WEEKS LATER: With the new realignment there’s two open spots in the west for expansion teams which MAKES NO SENSE considering the cities rumored to be expansion teams are in Northeast Canada. The new Coyotes rumor is that they’ll be moved to Seattle which is currently petitioning to build an arena and get both an NBA and NHL team. Bettman had to do some quick back tracking at the Winter Classic announcement because he said the numbers for an NHL team there looked good and they could have a rivalry with the Canucks. Immediately after saying that he was all ‘BUT SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS THE COYOTES PROSPECTS HAVE NEVER LOOKED BETTER THEY’RE TOTALLY STAYING IN PHOENIX REALLY’. Expansion rumors happen ALL the time though
Anaheim Ducks --- owned by Disney! Used to be called the Mighty Ducks and had the same uniforms as the movies, though I hear that's changed in past years. Used to do the Flying V on a fairly regular basis, but apparently they've lost their sense of fun because it hasn't made an appearance lately. USED TO BE owned by Disney. The ownership change caused the name change from Mighty Ducks of Anaheim to Anaheim Ducks. Which is also why they no longer do the Flying V. So the Oilers have to do it for them? You think if I include that video under the Oilers section, it'll explain everything about the current Oilers? That and yakupov’s first goal celebration. Yes. It will definitely emphasis the ‘kid’ in Kid Line anyway. One of their alternate captains is Teemu Selanne, who is the oldest active player in the NHL and the last one who was drafted in the 80s; he's played for the Ducks for almost 2/3s of his NHL career. They've also gotten some notice for bringing in rookie goalie Viktor Fasth, who had about as good a season start as anybody outside of Chicago. They’re playing phenomenally this season, I have to say. They've also tied up a quarter(?) of their salary cap space for next year on just 2 players - Ryan Getzlaf (the captain) and Corey Perry so it'll be interesting to see how that pans out.
LA Kings -- home of Carter and Richards and the location of their fairy tale ending and the latest winners of the Stanley Cup. Have Jonathan Quick in goal. Brayden Schenn and Wayne Simmonds (currently Flyers) were sent over there in the trade for Richie. Uh... Anze Kopitar is the first Slovenian to bring the cup there/win it at all. After the LA Kings won the Cup in ‘12 the Flyers released a press statement saying how proud they were of ‘Flyers West’, not even kidding. it’s all part of a plot by the aforementioned broad street bullies to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. Oh Philly Sports, NEVER CHANGE. Expansion six team. Their win left the poor blues all alone in the “no cup since the expansion” club. since the sharks don’t count. Currently in an epic twitter-romance with Columbus. They have their own hashtag (#lumbus) and fic. Too bad the two teams will be separated by realignment! There will be some twitter pining. Link to the fic Love Online by iBear AND PUCK DADDY DELIVERS: Yes, that is an actual yahoo! sanctioned hockey blog reporting on the LA Kings/Blue Jackets twitter ‘bromance’.
Dallas Stars: Used to be the Minnesota North Stars and all minnesotans will hate dallas forever for stealing their team! But changed the name when they moved South! Logical. Moved for the 1993-94 season, after making with the asexual reproduction and producing the Sharks in 1991. Arguably that was more an Athena-from-the-head-of-Zeus thing, though. They have Kari Lehtonen in goal - and he's a whole lot of the reason they're doing as well as they are this season. I assume someone in this state cares about the Stars, but possibly only because they are displaced northerners? IDEK. The only native Texans that care seem to care only because that’s “their team”. They seem to make money, though, or at least more than the poor Yotes. Does Arizona care about pro sports? Isn't Dallas the home of the forgotten Lundqvist twin? There’s a twin?? There is most definitely a twin. The best thing about Lundqvist is that there is TWO OF THEM.
Err, I'm not sure which is which. I think the one on the right is Henrik? Also, a video!
He no longer plays in the NHL, but when he did he was a Dallas Star! Now Captain for Frolunda (or something, in sweden now). They also traded their captain recently to the Pens for loose change and a couple of rookies or draft picks (i don't remember the details, it wasn't for anyone huge.) They also had Jagr for about half this season before he jumped ship (was traded) to Boston.
on to part 2
Okay, so, this is not (technically) a primer. This is a collection of ridiculous information that I know after being a hockey fan for 24 years, with a lot of commentary due to stuff I've noticed in fandom and is clearly biased to my favorite teams. Now with extra bias by jiele aka that one who likes the devils midnightbex is purple and sorry, kinetikatrue is blue. solar_cat is in pink.*G* auctorial is this other shade of blue aaaand really doesn’t have anything useful to add but can ramble incoherently about things, I guess. Obnoxious green Red is masterpenguin82 If you can't see the colors I'm... sorry? I swear multiple people contributed to this, and I'm not just having arguments with myself. Oh yeah, orange is my comments.
Anyway! This is kind of informative, and covers a lot of random stuff about hockey, and it's been sitting in my gdocs for over a month, so hey, Primer! Apparently we are very very wordy, and colors are hard, so this is in multiple posts. Also, commentary was not deleted, so some of it rambles across time and thus is no longer relevant. You're welcome.
REALLY ROUGH BASICS
Okay so there are 30 teams, in two conferences with three divisions each. Eastern = Northeast, Atlantic, Southeast ; Western = Northwest, Central, Pacific. Teams are generally split up geographically, but this gets messed up when teams decide to up and move, which would be why Winnepeg is in the Southeast division. A more logical realignment is in the works, but so far both sides haven’t signed off on it. Mostly bc Florida teams don’t want to be in the Northeast division, which makes sense to me. Um, yes. Also their insistence on putting Nashville in the Western Conference will never not be hilarious to me. They're in the central time zone. Latest realignnment plan is off to the next … whoever for approval. NHLPA passed it. Board of whatever. Directors?
Oh no longer. Here's the new alignment, 30 teams in 4 conferences!
No I still don't get why Florida is super special. Probably because detroit has been wanting in the east for aaaaages, and they canNOT split up the current atlantic division. Pretty sure there’d be blood, besides how CLOSE the devils, rangers, isles, and elder gods Flyers are geographically speaking. Also possibly nobody gives a shit about florida? ...or all those northern teams wanted florida mini!vacations... I think thats what it really is (also because apparently lots of random canadians take vacation in florida and go watch games down south - same in phoenix) I think it’s also likely that at least one of these teams is going to move to either Quebec or Toronto. Both cities have been petitioning for an NHL team recently and have stadiums they want to build.
Anyways! 82 games in a season (unless there's a lockout, and then Fuck You NHL), about half of which are played on home ice. At home the team wears their colored jersey, and away they wear their white-based jersey. And sometimes just for fun when they're home they wear their third / alternative / throw-back jersey, which can occasionally lead to HILARIOUS looking ridiculousness. Ahem. The Devils don’t have an alternate. Because Owner/GM/EVERYTHING Lou Lamoriello says f no. They HAVE used their old red-and-green vaguely elf-like uniforms as “vintage”, though. Neither do the Redwings. The third jersey of the Penguins is cursed. If you don't believe me, look at what Sidney Crosby and/or Evgeni Malkin has been wearing when they got injured over the past 3 years. Yeah. The Penguins officially got rid of their third jersey btw! Apparently too many people believed it was *cursed* (which is valid if you ask me. Geno and Sidney both got hurt in it this year alone).
Home team is listed last in the fancypants scoring graphics on TV (either rightmost or on the bottom) If you’re on the side facing the benches, the home bench is on the right, Home goal starts on the right, and they switch ends every period. OT and shootouts are the same as the 1st/3rd periods - on the right.
Teams put 6 men on the ice at a time, usually 3 forwards, 2 defense and 1 goalie, though technically you can pull your goalie and leave an empty net in order to get another player. USUALLY this is only done in the final minutes of the game. and maybe if there’s a delayed penalty? YES if there’s a delayed penalty! I’ve also seen this at the end of a period recently, not just the end of a game.
Games are 3 periods of 20 minutes each. If the game ends in a tie, there's a 5 minute 4-on-4 OverTime colloquially known as Sudden Death because first team to score wins! If no one wins in OT then it goes to a shoot out, where it's one player vs the goalie and the player can do whatever they want (well, basically, as long as they are moving forward and not like, picking up the puck) to try and score. This leads to some truly gorgeous goals and some truly hilarious fuck ups. Nowadays its a best of three, and then they just keep adding a round until one team has more goals. (Unless its the playoffs and then they just keep playing Sudden Death OT until someone scores or the players die. Ya know, whichever)
Teams get 2 points if they win the game, 0 points if they lose the game during regulation, and 1 point if they lose during OT or the shootout. (Games used to end in ties, but some time between the late 90s and now that ended and thank god it did)
After the regular season, the team with the most points wins The President's Trophy. It's kind of cursed. The best 8 teams in each conference (this will always include the top team in each division, even if those teams' points totals wouldn't get them into the top 8 otherwise) go to the Playoffs. Each round of the playoffs is a best of seven. Winner gets the Stanley Cup, which is the huge ass trophy that they carve basically every franchise person's name on to (I'm talking players, management, staff, etc). This is why they keep adding "tiers" to the cup. So one day they will either have to retire Stanley (BLASPHEMY) or it will eventually be taller than Chara. I think they’re removable? Like.... they fill a band and then stick it in a museum somewhere and add a shiny new one for more engraving. QUIET YOU or I will take away your editing skills. (wait, really? That's kinda lame, so how do they decide who's left on? That cup is definitely larger than it used to be) I think it’s a chronological thing? idk. the cup they pass around isn’t even the original cup anyway. THE HISTORY IS KIND OF HILARIOUS. Okay apparently they stopped doing this in the 60s, and now they remove the top row and add a new one on the bottom. I like my theory better. Whatever; the winning team keeps the cup for the year, and every player gets a "day" with the cup, leading to ridiculous videos of various indignities players subject Lord Stanley to. Oh the stories that cup could tell...
NHL TEAMS (as split by their current divisions)
East-Northeast
Montreal Canadiens or Les Canadiens de Montréal. Damn that “e”. --- they're FRENCH Canadian and just as obnoxious as they sound. AKA the Habs. Colors are red and white and blue. Bleu Blanc Rouge, baby. One of the "Original Six" which actually isn't as important as hockey fans will try to make it sound. Relevant is that this club is fucking ancient--founded 1909 and PRE-DATES the NHL. Have Carey Price as their #1 goaltender - both up-and-coming and First Nations. he does rodeo stuff for fun. which is kind of amazing. The Habs apparently have a stupid-low number of french-canadians on their roster now. I guess they got so much crap for being exclusionary or something, idk. Their Captain now is their first non-french-canadian captain? Gionta. Yes! His brother plays for the Devils. They play at Centre Bell (Bell Center), which also has bouncy boards, and is FUCKING LOUD. The habs fans are craaaaaayyyyyy. I would be so scared to be a Canadien. They get vicious. Hockey, the only time in the world it's scary to be Canadian Canadians: invented a pastime involving knives on their feet and clubs in their hands. I suppose maybe they can only be credited with the knives idea as an original, but.... oy. ilthem Apparently its scary to be a Canadian Baseball player too. They got in a wicked bench-clearing scrum with the Mexican team during the WBC. omg i saw that on some highlights show. hilarious.
Toronto Maple Leafs (yes, that’s how it’s spelled) --- easy, they got the big leaf on their chest! Blue and White. The other Canadian team in the "Original Six". More relevantly, they’re one of the oldest clubs still in the league. Founded in 1917, which is not-so-coincidentally the year the NHL was founded. Its founding is this whole hilarious little-kid treehouse club fight thing. They kind of technically pre-date the NHL, but they don’t count the pre-NHL years since they ditched their original owner for the NHL
Ottawa Senators - Also red and black, with a mascot that looks more like the USC Trojan mascot than a "senator". But whatever. Sergei Gonchar used to play for the Penguins back when Geno made his Grand Escape. I suspect this primer is going to end up with a "Russian Knitting Circle" section I didn’t even mention that Geno lived with him yet! Well I knew that part This is the SECOND franchise to have this name. The current Sens’ alternate uniform is a shoutout to the original!Senators. Currently being somewhat butt-hurt over the Matt Cooke-on-Erik Karlsson lacerated Achilles tendon situation ...and yet are only two points behind the Pens in the EHC standings.
Boston Bruins --- Brown and gold and black! Home of Seguin and Rask (of the terrifying mask) and Chara. Won the cup in 2011! Used to be home of Ray Bourque, who literally played for us for 20 odd years without ever winning the Stanley Cup. Everyone told him to go play for a better team including Bruins fans. He went to the Avalanche and won the cup in one season and promptly retired. His son plays for Boston now (the announcers were SO EXCITED, it was adorable). And has JUST been put on waivers, so the internets are joking that the Avs should pick him up and get some cup mojo out of it. (Original Six!) I am forever amused that they (commentators? idr) call Brad Marchand the little ball of hate or whatever it is. Boston Media did it. Whoops? It’s amazing.
Buffalo Sabres -- Blue and Gold. IDK, they're practically Canadian. They have both “Oh, Canada” AND “The Star-Spangled Banner” sung to open their games. Because they're practically Canadian. Mutant and proud. OOPS wrong fandom. The only fact I can remember about them is that Danny Briere was briefly their Captain. Patrick Kane of Blackhawks fame is from Buffalo. He bought a giant-ass mansion-thing on lake Erie there a year or two ago. Obviously this basically-canadian-ness is somehow relevant. I think the Buffalo area produces the most hockey players in the US? Not 100% on that though. This lends even more credence to the "Practically Canadian" theory! It does. They also got the first non-Canadian Tim Hortons so basically Buffalo = American Canada. “non-Canadian”, I think you mean. They DID have the longest-tenured coach in the NHL, I believe--Lindy Ruff; 15 seasons-ish--who they just fired because the Sabres keep losing. Their primary goaltender, Ryan Miller, represented the USA in the 2010 Olympics.
East-Atlantic
New York Rangers --- Red, White and Blue. For fic purposes, it's the home of King Henrik Lundvquist and Marc Staal and Rick Nash. They have a vicious rivalry with the Flyers and the Devils. Was the home of Mark Messier in the 90s who basically came from Edmonton after winning 5 Stanley Cups, pulled the team together and won them their first Stanley Cup in AGES. (Original Six!) Play at MSG. Called the “blueshirts”, which makes me laugh because the Leafs used to be that. Captain’s Ryan Callahan, Ranger!Staal has one A, Brad Richards has the other one. Coached by John Tortorella of Bolts (etcetera) fame. Torts’ eyebrows scare me. But he is absolutely hilarious. And such a New Yorker; he bitches out his own team to the media on a regular basis.
New York Islanders --- because NY refuses to have just one team for any sport. Colors Blue and Orange, kinda like the Oilers, but execution much worse. They have John Tavares as their ~shining star~. Apparently moving to Brooklyn in a couple seasons. The owner of this team is apparently terribly tight fisted in regards to funds and the are STILL in the worst arena in the country. They’re pretty well known for not being able to get free agents to sign with them and having players traded to them refuse to actually go there and play. Nassau (Veterans Memorial) Coliseum is IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE (aka Long Island). Hilarious you say they're tightfisted, when they were one of the first teams to hit the new salary cap didn’t they just take tim thomas from the bruins since he’s fucked off not playing anyway? HE APPARENTLY NEEDED A YEAR OFF, OKAY? They took Thomas for the cap hit. Also they owe like $3 million in back rent to the Nassau Coliseum so yeah. Another “up-and-coming” “rebuilding” team. In possession of some Russians fandom dgaf about...probably because ISLANDERS. poor Nabby.
New Jersey Devils -- Red, Black, and White. They're annoying. HDU! lol. Formerly the Colorado Rockies. Have basically the most badass goaltender, Marty Brodeur. They ALSO have a bb!goaltender (just got his first few minutes of NHL icetime the other day) named Keith Kinkaid. Obvs his nickname should be Kinky. Doc Emrick aka Very Epic Hall of Fame Commentator was the Devils’ commentator for years and years. He works nationally now. And is calling this avs/hawks game right now. lol. They have a rep for being a low-scoring, strongly defensive team iirc. Kovy-of-the-insane-ice-time! Adam Henrique, Patrik Elias, David Clarkson, ALL OF THEM. not that anyone cares, but there was an awesomely amusing moment in the playoffs where carts high-sticked henrique for no fucking reason mysteriously soon after richie took a minor. i gotta look that up, cause it was hilarious, I stick to my comment that the only thing you need to know about the Devils is that they're annoying :-P They are a well-named team. Okay. Actually relevant information about the Devils. Their number one goaltender is Marty Brodeur just passed his 1,200th regular-season game played. His individual stats are higher than those of 6 NHL teams. (that is actually BADASS) Which is insane. He was drafted 20th overall in 1990--yes, 1990, dude’s 40--and was one of Canada’s backups in the 2010 Olympics. Most well-known player besides Marty is probably Ilya Kovalchuk (Ilya, Kovy, Ilyusha). He used to be the former!Thrashers!Jets’ Rick Nash, basically. Atlanta drafted him first overall in 2001, blah, blah, time passes, SAVE OUR FRANCHISE, blah. The Thrashers offered him a 12-year extension in 2010 and he rejected it, so they traded him to Jersey. He gets d-man levels of icetime, idek, it’s insane. Said Thrashers later wound up with some of the Hawks’ cup-winning team (Andrew Ladd, their current Captain, and … someone else. Byfuglien?). Stephen Gionta is the Canadiens’ Captain Brian’s brother. Iirc, Henrique used to play with... one of the bb!Oilers in Windsor. Idr.
Philadelphia Flyers. --- Blinding Orange. Home of the Briouxes (Briere and Giroux) and bane of the Penguins, Devils, Rangers... Actually most everyone hates them. Even their fans, on occasion (though that's true of any Philly team). BROAD STREET BULLIES. that is all. Also their logo looks like some sort of Elder God. It’s awesome. I actually meant to come back and add that nickname in. Philly has ISSUES okay? I have a strange love for the Flyers and their insanity. also ORANGE. Proud (?) owners of one of the ...odder goalies around, Ilya Bryzgalov. His current (new) mask is Star Wars-themed. Vader and Yoda and all that. Apparently has thoughts about the universe? idk. They’re also known for frequent trades. They prefer to trade to build a team than take the ‘draft kids and let them grow up’ route. so basically....fuck loyalty, we’ll just BUY EVERYTHING? lol. Elder God logo v. suitable. Do you know of another team that would trade so many of it’s best players after losing in the finals, including their current Captain? They’re pretty brutal. Elder. Gods. Maybe THAT’S why Bryz is so odd... Philly isn't known for loyalty to their sports stars; kind of hilarious really, considering how much people live and die by their teams there. Apparently they've been doing pretty well by Chris Pronger in his hour of need, though...possibly because he's INSANE and thinks he's coming back to hockey after LOSING HIS PERIPHERAL VISION. I thought he said he wasn't coming back? It was brought up during the Staal discussion. He just did a press conference today in which he REFUSED TO RULE OUT THE POSSIBILITY THAT HE MIGHT COME BACK. Despite the fact that he currently cannot engage in any activity that significantly raises his heart-rate, keeps needing to get his glasses prescription strengthened, and hasn't stopped getting concussion-related headaches. Wow. dedication, much? (stubborn idiocy? idk) JUST GO BE A FIGURE SKATER ALREADY. OMG Pronger, I love you but no. YOU CANNOT PLAY HOCKEY ANYMORE He's not. Indefinite IR. Poor dude
Pittsburgh Penguins --- black and gold. Home of Lemieux, Crosby, Letang, Neal, Fleury, Malkin.... And now Iginla. Arguably the best looking team. Won the cup in 2009. More about Mario Lemieux later! (I love that none of us have anything to say about them) They’re just so squeaky clean, what can you say? The most interesting parts of their history I know are covered in the Lemieux and Crosby sections. Wait, do I need a Crosby section? All you need to know is that he's considered to be 'the next one' and that he's crazy superstitious. To the point of obsessiveness. And he recently took a puck to the face and lost half his teeth and is now part titatium, thus confirming all Robot rumors and is out until playoffs, at least. and yet still winning the points race, Jesus And that the team wouldn’t exist anymore if they hadn’t drafted him. They were basically a season or two away from getting sold & moved when he was a rookie. And that he signed a contract to stay with them for approximately FOREVER The fans can be.....passionate(ly loud about booing them when they suck) (lol i got nothing) And they get a fair bit of shit over Matt Cooke and his, ah, playing style. But, he doesn’t play like that anymore! KHL-wise, Geno play(ed/s) for Metallurg Magnitogorsk, in the middle of nowhere. Ray Shero is the general Manager and essentially traded a half-eaten sandwich for a whole bunch of nhl captains. They collected Morrow of the Stars and Iginla of the Flames (who now really suck without him, good move guys, thunbs up! Iginla requested the trade though and picked which team he went to out of the offers, so I don’t think you can actually blame the Flames GM for this one - point..) as well as Doug Murray of the Sharks for practically nothing. It'll be interesting to see what happens in the summer given that a whole bunch of players contracts are up for renewal (Tanger, Geno, Adams, Iginla, Dupuis...) and it's already acknowledged that they can't keep everybody. Anyone have a significant event happening on Draft Day? You may find yourself getting a phone call and being traded then (as is what happened to Jordan Staal, who got traded on his wedding day). As mentioned earlier, the Pens third jerseys are cursed, i don't know why they continued to wear them as long as they have. Anytime they've been worn it seems like one of the players leaves on a stretcher. Good riddance to them. The pens have a rotating roster largely due to the fact that a whole bunch of their players, inc Sid, Tanger, Martin, Nealer and whoever else i've forgotten, have been out on IR. I don't think they've had a fully healthy line up since the beginning of the season.
East-Southeast
Washington Capitals -- home of Alex Ovechkin aka Ovie. Red white and blue, as befitting the team from the US capital. Logo is clever as something to put on, like, business cards, but looks dumb on hockey jerseys. Ovie has...not been doing great the last while. Their new(est) Head Coach, Adam Oates, was an AC with the Devils during their 2011-12 cup run, and they have all the good to say about him. Eh. HE IS NOT A RIGHT WINGER IT WORKED FOR KOVY. ofc he may just be a more versatile player, ultimately. Or Ovie may just need to first adjust to having a coach he can trust and then adjust to changes in position (full disclosure: Caps fan, here). i wish people would quit giving him shit for not being the be-all-end-all of caps hockey after all the change and whatnot. Ovie belongs to the KHL’s Dynamo Moscow when he’s … in the KHL for lockout-related reasons. Also Nicklas Backstrom of the Geico ads (and of the being-taken-to-Dynamo-with-Ovie-during-the-lockout). Not to be confused with Niklas Backstrom (no “c”), the goalie. Dammit, Nicky, just go by your actual first name? No? Okay, fine, Lars is a boring name anyway, when you can just confuse people. OVIE IS NOW BEING AWESOME AND HAD THE GREATEST MONTH EVER. HE IS FIRST IN GOALS IN THE NHL. WTF, RUSSIAN MACHINE NEVER BREAKS. That learning to trust his coach and play in the new system comment earlier was DEAD ON. YAY OVIE.
Carolina Hurricanes --- Red and Black! Won the cup in 2006 and no one knows how. Home of the other three Staal brothers (Jordan and Eric, with Jared on the AHL Checkers) and Jeff Skinner, aka the tiny figure skater who now plays hockey (seriously where is that gif of his spin move to avoid a hit earlier this season? THAT WAS MAGIC OKAY). And Sasha Semin, which makes Ovie sad. Formerly the Hartford Whalers. And Cam Ward! Who's so awesome, Gamecenter had to tell me 8 times that the poor bb got hurt. Their commentators are the best though, they adore their team, it's hilarious to listen to them gush about Sasha Semin and how he was so under appreciated on the Caps. Unfortunately the Checkers charge like, 100 dollars per ticket, so screw Carolina. :-P Seriously? That’s crazy! You can get four IceHogs tickets on the ice for $80. The Worcester IceCats used to give tickets away, I refuse to pay that much for tickets. Hell I can go see TAMPA BAY for less than $10.
Tampa Bay Lightning --- Blue. Eh, its Florida though Stamkos plays there and he's compared to Crosby a lot, so he's eventually going to be even more awesome! Don't know if that will help Tampa Bay at all. Oo but when they're home and TB scores, they make actual electricity (ala Frankenstein lab esque!) up in the rafters! Rangers’ current Head Coach, John Tortorella, used to coach the Bolts. Apparently he’s kind of legendary down there. YUP. He basically saved the team. You should read their Wikipedia page some time, their history is HILARIOUS. They went through like, 5 owners in 6 years, were audited by the IRS and suspected as being a money-laundering scheme for the Japanese mafia. And then Tortorella became their coach, they got a new owner, and they won the Cup . ..so they were suspected of laundering money for the Japanese, then an Italian dude came down (to Florida) and fixed everything? lolllllll now i want mob!au
Florida Panthers --- no I don't know why they have two teams. Not sure how much longer they'll be there either, considering they can't GIVE tickets away to their home games. They have Markstrom aka "The Alien" on their team - aka a 6'7 goalie. Please remember that goals are only 4 feet high. Uh huh. They have two teams because Florida is where retirees from cold places move to aka old hockey fans. I don’t think that reason is working out too well for them though. If realignment goes through the way it is now they’ll be in the Northeast conference Now that realignment has gone through they’re in the Northeast conference and can potentially draw a larger crowd since they’ll be playing teams like the Flyers, Pens, Habs, etc. I'm sorry to say that no one in Fort Lauderdale (which is basically where Sunrise is) cares... we went a few times and tickets were like, 5 bucks, and they STILL couldn't get the damn stadium filled. Are they the ones with the palm trees on their shoulders? They're the weird attacking panther, and yeah the crossed palm trees. They should be the alligators. Alligators on ice would be amusing
Winnipeg Jets --- New team.. recently. Funny story, they stole them from Atlanta. Used to be the Atlanta Thrashers! Not to be confused with the OLD Jets, who went on to Phoenix. Colors are blue, white, silver and their mascot is a Jet! Shocking, I know. Despite being in Canada they're in the Southeast Division, causing everyone and his brother to call for a realignment (yet again) of the conferences. Captained by Andrew Ladd (formerly of the Hawks). They became the Winnipeg Jets and moved prior to the 2011-12 season. SUPER NEW. After realignment they’re in the western division and will be in Conference 3 (have they named these yet because I haven’t seen it anywhere?) with the Blackhawks (and other teams I care less about).
West-Northwest
Vancouver Canucks --- eh, they're Canadian. Home of the Sedin twins. (Identical twins, offense, center and winger, on the same line. Hilarious they have been known to switch places, both on the ice and in the locker room. Many a 'guess which twin' game as been played with the media, which makes them awesome in my book!). Also Ryan Kesler, who was on the 2010 US Olympic team. And Luongo, who has one of the better player twitters and everyone WAS ABSOLUTELY SURE WAS GOING TO BE TRADED at the beginning of the season...and yet continues to split net-minding duties with Corey Schneider. Colors are blue and green...and look their mascot is a REALLY ANGRY SHARK. Or maybe a dolphin. Pretty sure it’s a pacific-northwest-native-art-style Orca. Could be a shark tho. It’s an orca. Also Luongo STILL CAN’T GET TRADED. Poor bb.
Edmonton Oilers --- Colors are blue and orange and kind of ridiculous looking. Used to be this AMAZING team that won 5 Stanley cups in 7 years in the 80s. Now sort of young, ridiculous and stuck in constant rebuilding. Gretzky played for them. Gretzky is a GOD. More on Gretzky later. IIRC owner of the second out Muslim in the NHL (Yakupov). If that’s relevant. Also the proud owners of the kid line aka sucking so hard 3 years in a row they got the #1 pick in the draft. They do the Flying V, I'll forgive them
Click to viewYou could probably just link everyone to Oil Change re: the ever ongoing rebuild of this team instead of trying to explain.
Calgary Flames - They ALSO used to be in Atlanta! Atlanta really can't hold on to a hockey team. Red and black. Starriest star is probably Jarome Iginla. He’s been there forever. Aaaand apparently is looking for a trade maybe? I wouldn't blame him. That team sucks and I mean that in the actual playing sense. Which makes sense, since he is now a Penguin. So there is literally nothing to know about this team except that they exist. They exist and are terrible, also haven’t made it to the playoffs in a BILLION YEARS. And as noted in the Penguins section just traded their longtime Captain Jarome Iginla to the Pittsburgh Penguins. THE END OF AN ~ERA~.
Colorado Avalanche--- formed sometime in the 90s... They used to be the Quebec Nordiques, moved before the 1995-1996 season. I really only remember the Bourque thing. They have the youngest ever Captain though. Gabriel Landeskog; named Captain at 19 years, 286 days old. (totally cheated on that one, it was just up on the pregame show) I believe they won the Stanley Cup a few times right after moving the team to Colorado from Quebec, but I’m not familiar enough with them to tell you the number of times or years. I know they won in 2001, cuz thats when we kicked Bourque over to them. And we sent him there to win, so I'm assuming they probably won a few times before that. Killed the Hawks’ season-opening points streak. Good for them? A brief highlight for them this season, yes. Currently last in the league. A picture of Gabriel Landeskog’s face is probably the only explanation you need for why there’s fic about this team anyway. Here’s his rookie photo which is just UNFAIR. (Also I just spent way too long looking at pictures of his face. Don’t do that, it’s probably bad for your health.)
Minnesota Wild -- They look like Christmas elves! Their uniforms are dark green and red! And the away jerseys have Christmas trees on them. NO I AM NOT JOKING. Signed Suter (prev a Pred) and Parise (prev a Devil) over the offseason because Minni was the team that could and would sign both of them. And Parise was all BUT I’M FROM MINNIE AND I WANNA GO HOOOME ahem. Also iirc he took a pay cut to match their offer to Suter. 13 year deals too. That just seems insane. Founded in ‘97 as an expansion team. The Minnesota team used to be the North Stars who I believe became the Dallas Stars. Nope, they were formed new in 2000! Their first season was 2000-01 but the expansion was granted and the organization began forming in ‘97 same year as the Atlanta Thrashers (now the Winnipeg Jets).
West-Central
Detroit Redwings --- have more Stanley Cups than anyone else in the league. Original Six! Historically home to lots of Russian players (is it the Red uniforms? They do look JUST LIKE the old Soviet uniforms) Originally called the Detroit Cougars, so do with that what you will! Also have a weird ass tradition of throwing an octopus on to the ice during the playoffs for good luck. They enjoy having their captain/alternate patches on the opposite side from EVERYONE ELSE because apparently that’s how they roll. It's because of the weird ass stitching of their uniforms. I wish it was for a more "Fuck You" reason, but its really because their tailor sucks What is with the octopus thing? I know they’ve tried to stop it but fans smuggle them in their pants to get them in now. It was a good luck thing that some local owner of a fish shop started? IDK the history really, I just know its been going on for ages, and there is one guy who's job it is to pick up the octopus. Lol, yes, the octopus. The Joe Louis Arena has a big-ass purple octopus hanging from the ceiling (or used to, IDK if it’s still there), and it’s basically the mascot. So, octopi are a thing. I do not know where it came from, though. An explanation! Courtesy of isweedan
Also, yes, LOTS of Russians in the 90s especially, and a large part of Michigan still hasn’t forgiven Fedorov for leaving. *points to self* *points to self in deference to her brother who was born in Detroit and thus claims all Michigan teams* Major players right now are of course Datsyuk and Zetterberg, who’ve been with the Wings forever and a day. Big names of the past include Steve Yzerman (Captain of the Wings during a good chunk of the glory days in the 90s, current GM of the Tampa bay Lightning) and Brendan Shanahan (SHANNY, wore the A, now known as the guy who makes all the modslap videos and hands out suspensions in the Office of Player Safety). The boards at Joe Louis are particularly ~lively. God those videos are hilarious. He explained BOARDING to us! (PS it's when a guy slams another guy into the boards REALLY HARD from kind of far away) Zetterberg has the best beard ever, this is clearly important information. Definitely. Shanahan’s twitter links all of those videos if you want to pick one I just want to link to the NHL awards vids, but I think we'll do that under Players to Know
Chicago Blackhawks--- home to Toews, Kane, Sharp, Keith, Seabrook, Shaw, Hossa.... Won the cup in 2010. The last of the Original Six, but were basically sucking until the 2008 turn around with the drafting and rebuilding around Kane and Toews. Currently on the craziest run for the beginning of the season, being 21-0-3, meaning they have yet to lose a game in regulation this season and have franchise record 10 win game streak (and are now unbeaten in regulation for the entire first half of their season. ENTIRE FIRST HALF). On track to beat everybody ever and then do it again. And again. And hopefully break the President's Trophy curse Coach Q used to coach the Avalanche apparently. Yay pre-game shenanigans! They mostly sucked prior to the rebuild because the old owner Bill Wirtz was terrible. The reason no one was a hockey fan in Chicago was that the games weren’t aired on local TV stations and the tickets were some of the most expensive in the league. Bill Wirtz claimed televising the games was ‘unfair to season ticket holders’. When his son took over ownership he started televising games halfway through the 07-08 season. This is why if you read rookie interviews from Kane and Toews they talk about getting the stands filled and the games on tv. wow. that dude was way dumb. As dumb as BlackOuts on NHL GameCenter random: the atlanta hawks bball team used to be (ages ago) the black hawks, but they changed to just “hawks” when the left the chicago area because nobody would’ve gotten the reference. yay regional heroes? Blackhawk is definitely a very regional hero. I’m always surprised when people talk about the name being racist before I realize they aren’t from the area and don’t realize it’s not a tribe but a regional Native American hero. And Chicago is named the Blackhawks because the original owner was in a brigade (?) in WW1 known as the "Blackhawks" after that regional Native American hero. I think it’s less the name than the kind of caricature-ish Stereotypical Indian Warrior Dude logo. eh. That’s what the internet is for. They finally lost in regulation. to the AVALANCHE. lolwat ALSO Kaner has this thing where he won’t wear a mouthguard. Apparently he used to sort-of wear one, but then he went to Switzerland and just... stopped. Because he thinks they’re distracting. ??? They are distracting, to him! B/c he spends like 99% of the time chewing on it and it’s only ever in his mouth properly like 1% of the time anyway. HE DOES WEAR A VISOR, THO. HE ISN’T TOTALLY STUPID. unlike ~25% of the league, who’d rather risk taking a puck to the fucking EYE. Poor ranger!staal. DDDDDDDx SHARPY IS BACK. CURRENTLY IN FIRST PLACE AND DOING AWESOME Sharpy still hasn’t lost in regulation! XD (though I probably just jinxed it) ALSO FIRST TEAM TO CLINCH A PLAYOFF SPOT THIS SEASON! \0/
St Louis Blues --- idk but apparently Oshie plays there Expansion Six, iirc. Have musical notes on their jerseys because their name is in reference to exactly what it says on the tin: The Blues. “Saint Louis Blues” is a(n old classic) song. They’re actually a pretty strong team, but I really only know about Broshie. Captained by David Backes, who played for Team USA at Vancouver. Made it to the finals their first three seasons, but have never, EVER won the cup. They’re the last of the franchises added in the 1967-68 expansion from the “original” six (what is that? like 44 years?) to not have a cup. (Not counting the merged-then-sort-of-unmerged seals-then-barons-then-north-stars-then-not-exactly-sharks.) Playoffs they got to. Finals not so much. Chris Pronger used to play for them. When he wasn’t concussed and half-blind.
Columbus Blue Jackets - I don't know anything about this team. Except that they sent their coach and their GM to Jeff Carter's house (iirc they sent Nash as well. And was it his house or his place down the shore where he retreated to sulk/mope/plot revenge?) to get his ass to Columbus after the Flyers traded him. Oh, and they're the reason that there are now nets behind the goals above the ice, because a young girl got hit in the head with a puck from a high slap-shot and died. They're also Rick Nash's former team and thus now home to Dubi and Anisimov b/c Torts and the rest of Rangers management decided they had a hard-on for Nash and his bigness and his hands. (And now Gaborik too, cause Columbus is the new new york rangers.) The other commentators seem to be catching on to the bigness. And the hands. I believe it was his place at the shore bc it was the off-season just before the trade deadline and when Carter and Richard’s no-trade clauses kicked in. (Basically the Flyers were super assholes with those trades) And then karma kicked in. Or someone's fairy godparent. Some kind of magic had to be involved, no idea how that turned out so well for them otherwise! Yeah, Carts went to mope at the Jersey Shore and they had to send management down to convince him that Columbus was not a fate worse than death. (Which is obviously a lie.) and then Nash asks to be traded. ahahaha. Would YOU want to play on a team with a kid who thought it was so horrible he went and sulked on the shore?? Help me, Jeff Carter! You’re my only hope! … lol. winning is fun, so I hear. maybe the olympic win sped his decision along. Must not forget to mention that the columbus twitter account has an epic bff/romance thing going with the LA Kings twitter. #lumbus ALSO have any of you seen their backup mascot Boomer?? IT KILLS ME THAT HE’S AN OFFICIAL MASCOT YOU GUYS.
Nashville Predators -- Gold and blue. I literally know NOTHING ELSE about this team. Except that for some reason they're in the Western Conference and have NEVER WON ANYTHING. Home of Shea Weber (he has the 2nd hardest shot in the league??? wasn’t there a video of this from one of the All Star weekends? - the abandoned half of Weber and Suter (who is now with the elven Wild and his BFF Parise). Also, home to Mike Fisher, who's married to Carrie Underwood. I think the saber-toothed cat is something to do with a fossil, but idr. One of their goalies is Pekka Rinne, who has an awesome name and is actually a pretty good goaltender? There’s definitely been some buzz?
Western-Pacific
San Jose Sharks -- teal! Um. And their mascot is a shark? And San Jose is in a desert, so no frickin clue. and their arena sounds are all, like, jaws-esque. because they’re clever like that. I think they were formed when the North Stars went to Dallas in this weird merger-split thing 1993-ish. Okay, so, MERGER SPLIT THING: back in 1967, when six new teams were added to the NHL, one of them was the California Seals, (Shouldn’t that be California Seals?) who had been the San Francisco Seals of the WHL prior to their acquisition and relocation to Oakland; just under a decade later, they got acquired by the Gund family and relocated to Cleveland and became the Cleveland Barons, a move that lasted only two seasons before the financial troubles of both the Barons and the North Stars brought about a merger of the two teams; thirteen seasons after that, the merger was undone when the Gunds became the owners of the expansion team that became the Sharks and took half the North Stars roster with them to seed their new team. So, from San Francisco and back again. From shark food to sharks. and even so they don’t have a cup, cause the (north) stars didn’t win until they moved to dallas. Pretty sure they skate out of a shark’s open jaws at the opening of their games, so they gets points for that at least.
Phoenix Coyotes -- also in the desert! Perpetually bankrupt. Gretzky couldn't save this team and man he tried (coaching) Won their division last year, but couldn't make it past the Kings. Former Original!Winnipeg Jets. Their captain, Shane Doan, is the last of the team who played for them before the relocation. Currently the team is owned by the NHL. AND they have arena issues. Also feature Raffi Torres (not anymore! Traded to the sharks!), who got an 8-game suspension for the hit he made on Hoss during the playoffs last year. ALSO Paul Bissonnette AKA BizNasty, owner of one of the other better player twitters. Mike Smith, who was a really really amazing goalie last year, apparently not so much this year. Rumors have the NHL moving the team to Toronto or Quebec Ciy soon-ish, but there are no Actual Plans in place. Isn’t there a rumor about the NHL adding two expansion teams there to balance out the conferences? ADDED WEEKS LATER: With the new realignment there’s two open spots in the west for expansion teams which MAKES NO SENSE considering the cities rumored to be expansion teams are in Northeast Canada. The new Coyotes rumor is that they’ll be moved to Seattle which is currently petitioning to build an arena and get both an NBA and NHL team. Bettman had to do some quick back tracking at the Winter Classic announcement because he said the numbers for an NHL team there looked good and they could have a rivalry with the Canucks. Immediately after saying that he was all ‘BUT SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS THE COYOTES PROSPECTS HAVE NEVER LOOKED BETTER THEY’RE TOTALLY STAYING IN PHOENIX REALLY’. Expansion rumors happen ALL the time though
Anaheim Ducks --- owned by Disney! Used to be called the Mighty Ducks and had the same uniforms as the movies, though I hear that's changed in past years. Used to do the Flying V on a fairly regular basis, but apparently they've lost their sense of fun because it hasn't made an appearance lately. USED TO BE owned by Disney. The ownership change caused the name change from Mighty Ducks of Anaheim to Anaheim Ducks. Which is also why they no longer do the Flying V. So the Oilers have to do it for them? You think if I include that video under the Oilers section, it'll explain everything about the current Oilers? That and yakupov’s first goal celebration. Yes. It will definitely emphasis the ‘kid’ in Kid Line anyway. One of their alternate captains is Teemu Selanne, who is the oldest active player in the NHL and the last one who was drafted in the 80s; he's played for the Ducks for almost 2/3s of his NHL career. They've also gotten some notice for bringing in rookie goalie Viktor Fasth, who had about as good a season start as anybody outside of Chicago. They’re playing phenomenally this season, I have to say. They've also tied up a quarter(?) of their salary cap space for next year on just 2 players - Ryan Getzlaf (the captain) and Corey Perry so it'll be interesting to see how that pans out.
LA Kings -- home of Carter and Richards and the location of their fairy tale ending and the latest winners of the Stanley Cup. Have Jonathan Quick in goal. Brayden Schenn and Wayne Simmonds (currently Flyers) were sent over there in the trade for Richie. Uh... Anze Kopitar is the first Slovenian to bring the cup there/win it at all. After the LA Kings won the Cup in ‘12 the Flyers released a press statement saying how proud they were of ‘Flyers West’, not even kidding. it’s all part of a plot by the aforementioned broad street bullies to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. Oh Philly Sports, NEVER CHANGE. Expansion six team. Their win left the poor blues all alone in the “no cup since the expansion” club. since the sharks don’t count. Currently in an epic twitter-romance with Columbus. They have their own hashtag (#lumbus) and fic. Too bad the two teams will be separated by realignment! There will be some twitter pining. Link to the fic Love Online by iBear AND PUCK DADDY DELIVERS: Yes, that is an actual yahoo! sanctioned hockey blog reporting on the LA Kings/Blue Jackets twitter ‘bromance’.
Dallas Stars: Used to be the Minnesota North Stars and all minnesotans will hate dallas forever for stealing their team! But changed the name when they moved South! Logical. Moved for the 1993-94 season, after making with the asexual reproduction and producing the Sharks in 1991. Arguably that was more an Athena-from-the-head-of-Zeus thing, though. They have Kari Lehtonen in goal - and he's a whole lot of the reason they're doing as well as they are this season. I assume someone in this state cares about the Stars, but possibly only because they are displaced northerners? IDEK. The only native Texans that care seem to care only because that’s “their team”. They seem to make money, though, or at least more than the poor Yotes. Does Arizona care about pro sports? Isn't Dallas the home of the forgotten Lundqvist twin? There’s a twin?? There is most definitely a twin. The best thing about Lundqvist is that there is TWO OF THEM.
Err, I'm not sure which is which. I think the one on the right is Henrik? Also, a video!
He no longer plays in the NHL, but when he did he was a Dallas Star! Now Captain for Frolunda (or something, in sweden now). They also traded their captain recently to the Pens for loose change and a couple of rookies or draft picks (i don't remember the details, it wasn't for anyone huge.) They also had Jagr for about half this season before he jumped ship (was traded) to Boston.
on to part 2