Looks as though everything's gonna turn out all right, and that despite all my doubts and nightmares nothing really bad is gonna happen to anyone I love, even me. Getting cocky about it is far from my mind though, I'm mostly just concerned at how compelling my self accusations of hypocrisy seemed, how I keep trying to tear off and save good things ( Read more... )

i think i'm fucked in two classes, the one I never go to is the one I'm doing the best in. I can feel the nightmare scenarios beginning to form, and I don't think they'll be gone when I wake up. I'm not helping anyone now either, just jerking everyone around.

I'm sure I am not in control of my own thoughts. Deserve it, I'm so manipulative eventually I'd meet my match and be humbled by hypocrisy. I've pulled this "get rid of me, I'm bad for you" card on people who care about me before, and told people how I was afraid I don't contribute anything to people's lives except ephemeral distractions, and I've ( Read more... )

I'm going to indulge myself, too much mental training is giving diminishing returns. Wish I could get distracted easier, to beat the persistence of thoughts. I don't need outside help stopping the exuberant chains of construals. But I'll take it.

It can happen to anyone, when things keep screwing up: calls for the comfort of friends went unreturned, finally getting everyone together backfired by leaving all unsatisfied, and I construed the disappointment, magnified it, and took it on myself. But I fought longer and slipped away slower than ever, now next time I need to call for help louder ( Read more... )

I figured it out, the way I make the group stronger is by keeping it close(d) around me, even though I am the weakest link ( Read more... )

I hope I had storytelling skills to begin with, and it's not just that now no one feels like humoring me anymore. Wish I were drunker, and less alienated ( Read more... )

defeated 10 hours of depression just now ie half an hour ago ( Read more... )

So I'm easier to get rid of than to keep around, but I think the important people are willing to put in the extra effort... if I let them. I'll always be loyal, whether I'm around or not, I just need to let people know that I need to be held close by more than words, that the time I spend away from the people I love gives diminishing returns, that ( Read more... )

run everyone, i'm insane ( Read more... )