Fic: It's Always What You Didn't Say (6/8)
Part 5
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(Before)
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When he was greeted with Chris's perpetual sighing, he felt a bit of satisfaction. He was wondering when Chris would stop sending other people in to do the dirty work, and give it a try himself.
Mark felt kind of sorry for Chris. He wanted to leave the company, Mark knew that, and knowing Chris, he was probably waiting for the right time to tell Mark. And then this sort of thing happened, and Chris lost all chance of a way out because he couldn't leave Mark. Mark felt worse about being thankful for it. He couldn't lose Chris. The separation anxiety alone would drive him insane, not to mention no one could do Chris's job the way Chris did. He needed Chris, but he hated that the only reason Chris stayed was because he felt obligated to.
"Mark," Chris said, patiently.
"Chris," Mark replied.
Chris walked forward and sat on the armrest of Mark's couch. He had his cell in his hand and he moved it back and forth between left and right.
"I went to the hospital today, since Wardo didn't really have anyone else in Palo Alto to take care of things," Chris said. His voice was firm, like he'd made the decision to get through this little tangent whether Mark listened to him or not.
"They said a maid found him when she went in to clean his hotel room," He continued. He stared at the phone instead of Mark. "Anyway, his parents are flying out here tomorrow to get his body and take it back to Miami for the funeral so if you want to see him you should go soon."
"Why would I want to see him?" Mark asked.
Chris looked like he was thinking the question over in his head. "I don't know, Mark. You tell me," He said. He sounded so tired, even more tired than Mark felt and Mark hadn't slept in at least three days. He wasn't sure. He'd lost count at some point, but he could feel the fatigue right down to his bones.
"I know why you're doing this," Chris said.
"Yeah well, everyone seems to think that," Mark replied.
"I saw you talking to him that night."
That caught Mark off-guard. He froze and hesitantly looked at Chris. Chris was watching him with pity in his eyes and raised eyebrows.
"He looked sick. I was just trying to help," Mark said quickly, and Chris jumped forward.
"I know! You don't have to justify it, I know. I saw him too, it's not - Wardo had a lot going on that neither of us knew about, alright? And I think it was good of you to try."
"Not good enough," Mark stated simply. It was out there now, the one thought that had been plaguing him since he first heard the news. He'd tried to make Wardo feel better and he'd failed, and now Wardo was gone forever.
"There's nothing we could have done, Mark. I mean, you saw Eduardo that night, for all we know he'd been considering it for months and this one boring event did it for him."
"This one boring event that I was at," Mark said.
"He was probably happy he got to see you one last time," Chris said.
"Why would he be happy to see me?"
"Because he was in love with you."
Mark's mouth went dry. He avoided looking at Chris' face, like their eyes were two like poles on a magnet.
"He always has been." Chris chuckled lightly. It sounded half-nostalgic and half-bitter "Trust me. You were probably the brightest part of all of this for him."
"Then why did he do it?" Mark asked.
"I don't know, Mark." Chris sighed. He sounded as helpless as Mark felt.
"I told him there was no reason for him to be there. I didn't mean it as a general thing, I just wanted him to leave the party and get some rest."
"I'm sure he saw it that way," Chris said. The way Chris said it almost convinced Mark, except that he couldn't believe it. He knew it wasn't true. He'd said the wrong thing and it had made all the difference.
Chris practically read Mark's mind at that moment. "There's no way we could have known, Mark."
Mark noticed the use of we instead of you, and realized for the first time that Chris blamed himself too. Chris was there. Chris saw Eduardo looking sick and sad, and Chris did nothing.
"It's not your fault," Mark told him.
Chris gave him a small smile. "It's not yours either." Mark felt a little relieved hearing that from him.
They sat in silence, staring at each other with mutual understanding.
"I need to code," Mark eventually said.
"Yeah, I need to take care of some stuff too," Chris said.
Chris understood it better than anyone else. Mark had to code. Not coding meant life went on, and it went on without Eduardo. Mark may not have spoken to Wardo much recently, but the world didn't feel right without him in it. If Mark faced that, he'd break down, and so he was going to avoid it was much as he could. Even if it meant ignoring the entire world and coding for the rest of his life.
Chris got it; There was no way Mark could ever let him leave.
"I better go," Chris said. He leaned forward and gave Mark a pat on the shoulder. "You really should get some sleep, though. We're all worried about our CEO."
Mark nodded.
"And your Mom's on a flight here as we speak, just fyi," He added.
Mark nodded again. "Thanks, Chris."
"Sure," Chris said, and left the office, with a small smile.
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(After)
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Stella still hadn't come back with Divya. Mark was starting to wonder if maybe Divya had told her his twisted version of the story and Stella had run off. It only made him angrier about his predicament.
Wardo hadn't come out of the tent since their fight, and Mark could hear the faint sound of snores. It was getting pretty late. Most of the campsite were already asleep, save for a few people sitting outside, savouring the last few minutes of their fires.
Mark wondered if Wardo would be mad at him for going inside the tent, but he figured that he could just say he needed to sleep, and it was illogical for Wardo to get so offended by it.
Eduardo was in his usual position, curled in on himself like he was frightened of the world. The usual crease sat between his brows, and he held his hands protectively to his chest. The snoring seemed to have stopped, though.
"Wardo?" Mark whispered. He got no response in return.
Mark sighed. His brain was still too active to sleep. He was mad at Divya for being the only one who could help, and Stella for taking so long, and Eduardo for being so difficult. He was also pretty mad at himself, although he couldn't quite figure out why. His best bet was Eduardo though. It was always Eduardo. Eduardo who brought that aching feeling in his chest, and who said things that just caught Mark off-guard, and who could go from looking happy to hurt in less than a second. Eduardo who used to trust so effortlessly, but barely let anyone in anymore. Eduardo who was so important, but so easily disposable once upon a time. Eduardo who just meant ... everything. (Not that Mark would ever admit any of that to anyone. It was just something he felt sometimes. Or all the time).
He rolled over, facing Eduardo's sleeping frame. Eduardo looked so tired. His ridiculous hair was askew from all the rolling around he'd done in his sleep, and there was a light shadow under his eyes. His fingers clasped together so tightly his knuckles were turning white. Mark wondered what he was dreaming about, and why it made him look so restless. He wished there was a way to make it stop, to just relax Eduardo so he could have one sound night of sleep.
"Wardo," Mark said again, slightly louder this time. Eduardo still remained silent.
"I'm not sorry for what I did to you. It was the right thing to do - you weren't right for the company. But I never thought I'd actually lose you." He took a deep breath. "I knew you'd be mad, but you always forgave me before. It wasn't personal; You should have just forgiven me. And then you went and changed all my expectations of you and sued me." He wrapped his arms around himself defensively. "Just like you said you would," He whispered under his breath.
Eduardo didn't move. This probably wasn't the kind of thing you were supposed to say to make somebody relax, but Mark needed him to know. Even if only in some sleeping, subconscious level.
"And Sean Parker never mattered the way you did. He was good for Facebook, he did great things for it. And I kept saying to you all summer to just come out, but you wouldn't hear it because you were so busy trying to be the businessman your father wanted you to be." Mark moved himself a little closer to Eduardo. "I- I needed you. I told you that, but you didn't- you went back to New York, and you froze the accounts."
Eduardo shifted slightly, loosening the grip on his hands. Maybe it was working.
"I know you're here because of him by the way. Your father, that is. Even if you won't admit it." It was always something to do with his father. Mark really resented Mr Saverin for it. "He's an asshole, Wardo. You shouldn't have let him get to you. You were always so much better than he made you think you were. I never understood how you couldn't see that."
Eduardo let out a quiet whimper, and Mark realized he was awake. He freaked out for a millisecond, unsure whether he should call Wardo out, or pretend he didn't know and continue, or just stop completely. He chose to see how far he could take this before Eduardo just admitted he was listening.
"I know you were in love with me. At Harvard."
"Stop," Eduardo said quietly.
Well that was faster than expected.
Mark didn't know what to say after that. Should he continue? Should he just go to sleep?
"Why didn't you just tell me?" He found himself asking, instead.
Eduardo opened one eye, then the other, looking at Mark curiously. "Because I wasn't an idiot."
"It would be idiotic to tell me?"
Eduardo shrugged. "You didn't love me back."
That wasn't true. But then that would mean that he did love him back, and that wasn't really true either.
"Don't spend all night thinking about it, Mark. Just go to sleep," Eduardo told him.
Mark sighed and turned over so he and Eduardo were back to back. He thought about lines of code, until he felt his eyes droop closed.
He dreamed of Harvard, of Wardo's smiling mouth pressed against his, warm, and soft, and oh so sweet. The ache in his chest returned yet again, but this time it just wouldn't leave.
---
Mark awoke to his nose being pressed by the palm of some one's hand, and his face being shaken. He sat up quickly, wondering if some one was trying to suffocate him, only to see Stella looking at him curiously.
"What the hell?"
She shrugged. "You wouldn't wake up when I called your name."
"So you tried to kill me?"
"Well that's a little over-dramatic," She said rolling her eyes. She moved over and sat next to him, shoulder to shoulder.
"Wado's getting coffee from Harrison. Speaking of which, he seemed all weird this morning when I got back, did you two have another fight?"
Mark frowned and avoided her question. "You only got back this morning. Were you out all night?"
Stella looked at her feet, guiltily.
"You were out all night," Mark stated.
"Just talking."
"With Divya."
Stella rolled her eyes again. "Don't be like that. I'm doing this to help you. Besides, it pays to have connections."
"I'm just saying, you can have way better connections than him."
"He's not so bad, y'know," She said, bumping shoulders with him. "He still hates you. And he's here because of an ex-girlfriend. Head in the oven, very dramatic."
"And during this night where he told you his life story, did you at any point talk about the PIC?"
Stella scowled at him. "Don't be rude, I was getting to that." She sat up and crawled out of the tent. "But first, breakfast!" She called back to him.
Mark shook his head in annoyance. She was only doing this because he didn't tell her about his fight with Wardo. She was vindictive like that.
Once outside, she handed him a paper plate with four sausages on it.
"A girl from up there - Genevieve, I think she said her name was - anyway, she made these for everyone in the campsite and I brought some back for you."
Mark nodded, and sat on Harrison's lawn chair, that was still perched outside their tent. Stella handed him a plastic fork, and he looked down to where Harrison's tent was, while he munched on a sausage. The door-flap to the tent was pinned up, and he could see both Harrison and Eduardo sitting inside, drinking coffee. Harrison was babbling on about something, while Eduardo stared emptily at his cup.
Stella sat herself on the dusty ground in front of Mark. She looked over her shoulder to see what he was paying so much attention to, and raised her eyebrows at him. "Why don't you just tell him?"
Mark snapped back to face her. "Tell him what?"
"That you're in love with him."
Oh. So that's what that was. He thought about all those times he felt that aching in his chest. All those confusing feelings he'd always had towards Eduardo. All the sadness he felt just because he knew Eduardo was miserable in the Other World. It all made perfect sense. Love. It had to be love. That fierce roaring in his heart, that was always love.
You didn't love me back.
Mark was a colossal idiot.
"I'm- "
Stella seemed to know every thought that had just ran through his mind. She rolled her eyes at him. "You talk to him while he sleeps, how did you not know this?" She asked bemusedly. She was right. How hadn't he figured it out yet?
Despite what some may say he wasn't a robot. He knew feelings, and for the most part he understood them. He'd never been in love, but he thought he'd probably know the feeling once he'd felt it. Clearly, he was a little more clueless than he'd thought.
"You know about me talking to him?"
"Obviously. I was sleeping in the same bed as you while you were doing it, you moron!"
Mark blinked back at her. He looked to Harrison's tent again. Eduardo was watching him, but looked away quickly when Mark caught his eye.
Eduardo didn't know. He thought Mark didn't care, and all because Mark was too much of an idiot to figure it out for himself. Jesus, why did he always have to have these things spelled out for him? Life would be so much easier if love was just easier to notice.
"Mark?" Stella said, bringing him out of his reverie.
"Yeah?"
"I said Divya told me where there's a PIC."
Mark nodded. That was the furthest thing from his mind right now.
"He had a friend here a while ago, who was here by mistake too," Stella continued. "He'd gotten hit by a car and ended up here. Divya helped him find a PIC agent. He said the agent was living in a lighthouse nearby. He can only bring people who aren't supposed to be here to the agent, though. She doesn't want to blow her cover. Divya only stayed here to help anyone else that might need to return home. So anyway, I told him you needed it, and not me, just so he can bring you."
She watched Mark carefully, waiting for him to snap angrily at her for telling Divya. Mark just nodded. "Not tonight," He said. "Tomorrow."
Stella nodded understandingly, and looked over her shoulder at Harrison's tent. "You know, Zuck, I go by the belief system that everyone deserves a second chance, no matter how much they've hurt some one."
"He doesn't believe in that," Mark said.
"But he believes in happiness. And despite all the hurt and the anger, he still is," She said, putting a comforting hand on Mark's knee. "Happy, that is. With you."
Mark turned to face her. She was giving him that proud look again, like she truly believed in him. Mark noticed, for the first time, how lucky Wardo was to have found her when he got here. She was the exact kind of friend some one with all his insecurities needed.
"Thank you," Mark finally said. He didn't thank people often, but it was the kind of thing Stella appreciated more than most. She was sort of a Nazi when it came to basic manners.
"Sure thing, Zuck." She pushed herself up, using Mark's knee to help her, and looked down on him with the ghost of a smirk sitting on her lips. "I'm gonna go tell Divya about the rescheduling."
Mark nodded.
"And good luck tonight!" She called back over her shoulder, as she walked away.
Mark ate another sausage and swallowed it down along with his nerves. He'd definitely need luck on his side. If he said the wrong thing, he could totally screw this up. And screwing it up wasn't an option anymore. Wardo needed to know. Mark was in love with him, and there was no way he was gonna let Wardo go the rest of his afterlife not knowing that.
---
Eduardo was avoiding him like the plague. As well as being a huge inconvenience, it was also just borderline annoying. This was important. Mark was leaving soon, and he needed to tell Eduardo. Except that Eduardo was, like, a magician or something. Whenever Mark almost found him, he seemed to disappear into some shadow somewhere. If Mark wasn't bothered by it, he'd be a little impressed.
He checked Harrison's several times, along with hundreds of other tents, but Eduardo was too sneaky.
He was beginning to lose hope when in the distance he saw a small light flickering. It was floating up into the sky like a shooting star in slow motion. Eduardo had to be there. There was no way he could resist anything that even remotely resembled a star.
Mark wandered through the maze of tents and caravans, and ended up in a field. The field was covered in half-dried out grass, and in the center stood a figure, holding matches up to the sky. Eduardo.
He was concentrating on the matches carefully. His hair was a little messier than usual, and his sleeves were rolled up. In the flickering light of the matches Mark saw the red scars running down Eduardo's wrists. He realized, until this point, he didn't actually know how Eduardo had offed himself. It was always irrelevant. The fact was Eduardo had killed himself, the details of it were never important. But now, standing there, seeing the delicate skin of Eduardo's wrists, with long red lines running down it, if felt important. It also made Mark feel sick to his stomach.
He walked up to him slowly, worried that Eduardo might flee again, if he noticed him, but Eduardo was too distracted by the burning matches in his hand.
"What are you doing?" Mark finally asked.
Eduardo jumped in surprise, letting the matches go, but instead of falling to the crispy grass, they floated up into the purple sky. They flickered in the distance, like stars.
"It's amazing, isn't it?" Eduardo said, his voice filled with wonder. "How these little miracles can make this world so much better." He watched them float up and eventually flicker out. "I don't think I hate everything about this place."
Mark stuck his hands in his pockets self-consciously. "Wardo ... " He began, but found that words were lost on him
Eduardo gave him a bright-eyed look. He held no expectations of Mark. It felt both disappointing and comforting, somehow.
"I didn't love you, back then. Back at Harvard," Mark said.
Eduardo's face froze, and composed itself into a detached look. He shook his head and began to walk away. "Mark, I don't- "
"Just listen. Please!"
Eduardo stopped and turned around. Mark was never one to beg. He took a shaky breath, and then nodded for Mark to continue, with a distressed look on his face.
"I didn't know how to love you," Mark said. "I was too young and immature to even see it. But I could have loved you eventually, you have to know that."
Eduardo crossed his arms protectively over himself. "You screwed me out. You got rid of me like I meant nothing to you," He said quietly. He looked tired. Tired of keeping his walls up, and tired of second-guessing everything Mark did. He let his shoulders drop, and the vulnerability slip out.
"If you knew I loved you, than why did you do it?" His voice cracked into a barely audible whisper.
Mark didn't have an answer for him.
"Just tell me!" Eduardo demanded, suddenly filled with rage. "Because I'm so tired of this! I want to be over it, I do, but then you say shit like that. What am I supposed to do with that? I mean, God, Mark, I loved you and you only ever care when it's too late! Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?"
"Loved?" Mark asked. His heart was twisting up inside his chest, ready to crumble at any second. He couldn't take this. He thought he could tell Eduardo, but it was too much now.
Eduardo shook his head at Mark angrily. "Don't. Don't do this. You're the one who screwed me out!"
"You froze the accounts!"
"I was trying to get your attention!"
"If you wanted my attention you should have come out to California!"
Eduardo sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I'm so sick of fighting with you," He whispered, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"I should have talked to you," Mark admitted.
Eduardo looked up at him with surprise.
"I know it hurt you. I went about it the wrong way. But the way I saw it you didn't believe in Facebook enough to bother coming out. You didn't believe in me. And I figured why wait for you to leave, when I could just take you out myself."
Eduardo actually looked guilty after that. He swallowed and stepped closer to Mark
"It's not all your fault," He said quietly. "I should have come out. And freezing the accounts was so stupid. I just- I wanted you to know how I felt. I would have done anything for you, and I could feel myself losing you, and I- I couldn't- I didn't want to get left behind."
Mark nodded.
"Maybe Stella's right. Maybe we're both idiots," Eduardo said half-heartedly.
"She has a habit of being right," Mark said.
"She's like the Moskowitz-Hughes lovechild," said Eduardo, trying to lighten the mood.
"Wardo," Mark started. He didn't want them to just start joking around, pretending nothing was wrong. He was tired of that. He wanted this over and done with. Sorted. Resolved. All those other buzz words.
Eduardo looked at him guiltily.
"I'm not here because of my father," He said.
Mark wasn't sure why, so he stayed silent.
"He was partly to blame, but it wasn't just him. It was everything. It started off small, just a random bad day. But there's a snowballs effect." His voice cracked, and he took a breath to calm himself. "Before I knew it, everything was just so dark, and I didn't know how to make it stop. I tried everything, but it was all just closing in on me. I was stuck being unhappy. Eventually, I gave up. It's hard to value your own life when you feel like no one else does, so you just ... stop trying. End it."
He watched Mark expectantly, with watery eyes.
"I … " Mark tried, but no more words came out. There was nothing he could say to that. He wasn't even sure how he felt about it. Nauseous, mostly.
"I just wanted you to know," Eduardo finally said.
"Why?" Mark asked, then winced. That was a stupid question.
Eduardo didn't take offense though. Instead he shrugged. "Because I trust you." And then the look came back into his brown eyes. That look so full of admiration, and faith, and passion, and love. So, so much love. It was small and guarded, but it was there.
Mark's heart raced, and he felt like he might throw up. His palms were sweaty, and his brain was dizzy. He ignored all of that and took a deep breath. Then he stepped forward, filling the space between him and Eduardo. He grabbed the back of his neck, and pulled him down for a kiss. It was soft, and chaste, and as gentle as it could possibly be. It didn't last longer than five seconds, and when Mark pulled away, Eduardo's eyes were huge.
"Wardo- " Mark began, but he was cut off.
"What was that?" Eduardo asked. Mark couldn't tell if he meant it in a good way, or a bad way.
"You matter to me," Mark told him with a shrug. "Even if you don't think you're worth anything."
Eduardo swallowed. His eyes brightened with the ghost of a smile Mark would never get to see, and he leaned down slowly, brushing his lips against Mark once again.
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Part 7