Mothers in Texas are eating their young and gay porn stars are fucking women. Could an apocalypse be far behind ( Read more... )

Life is an endless string of disappointments. One minute you're deeply admiring the rear end of someone walking out of a bathroom...the next you're in said bathroom inhaling the stench of what came out of the rear end you were just admiring ( Read more... )

"Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally without having to go outdoors ( Read more... )

My crush has a seven-year-old daughter and is "practically married."

I am a piece of wannabe homewrecking trash. And a DILF-chasing freak of nature.

I wish Farrah Fawcett's butt cancer had killed me instead of her.

The following are events that occurred on Wednesday July 1st, 2009. Most times are approximate ( Read more... )

Now that the Moonwalker has passed away, I guess R. Kelly is America's new favorite pedophile by default. And once he's gone, I'll undoubtedly be hearing "Trapped in the Closet (Parts 1 through Infinity)" every single place I go because his music will suddenly be important enough to erase all of his sins ( Read more... )

Will everyone please just ignore Britney Spears so she'll finally fade into obscurity where she belongs? She has lived long past the life span as a shitty pop star and looking at her now is like looking at a 23-year-old balding and diseased housecat. It's just too pitiful to be funny ( Read more... )

If Heaven is real, it's exactly like this at all times...

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...and Sylvester is truly the spitting image of God ( Read more... )

I feel the need to scour my eyeballs after having seen the odious musclebound ogre who is my employer changing clothes outside his office two nights ago. Apparently the whole world is just one big locker room for him. I think it goes without saying that he was secretly hoping one of the female employees would catch him doing this. I wouldn't have ( Read more... )

It's apparent that I can't accidentally leave an iPod sitting on a bank check desk and turn around for two minutes to make a desposit without some buttfucker nabbing it for himself. This is the second iPod I've lost in two months ( Read more... )