Someday soon I need to return to the horror that is money-making work. But until then I find it more fun researching information about people who fail as human beings. A few months ago it was the Manson clan...now it's notorious homophobic females ( Read more... )

All I want to do today is stomp around the house nude and shout misogynistic insults at inanimate objects in an attempt to make them feel bad about their shortcomings. But there are too many people living here to allow such behavior. Four bedrooms, five tenants, two felines...one cup ( Read more... )

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After taking the W train all the way down to the soulless Financial District for an interview at a fancy chocolate shoppe (so fancy it's spelled with two additional silent letters), I was dismissed with an apology before the interview even started because the lady there said the sight of my monster cock was too much for her to handle ( Read more... )

Holy shit. I think I've found my long lost biological mother:



It's too bad she's dead and we can never be reunited. But there may still be hope for finding whatever socially awkward white trick she must have turned in order to conceive me. In fact, it could be the guy she went on a blind date with in this lengthy but highly entertaining clip ( Read more... )

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I must cut my hair and replenish my contact lens supply at once before this happens to me:

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I want to make a joke about forcefully introducing his mandibula to my mantool, but to do so would be crass...and that's just not my style.

Four days into Funemployment '09 and I'm already severely depressed. When I can't sleep (as is the case at this very moment), it's because my right brain is continually scolding me for being so irresponsible and foolish. After a while though, my left brain overpowers the right brain by comforting me and sweetly saying, "Everything's going to be ( Read more... )

So ends my latest saga at the sinking ship known as Chéz Bean. "Sinking ship" is definitely an appropriate metaphor to use because my boss there was, in fact, a seaman...and now he's a semen stain on the souls of everyone who's ever worked for him (the crusty kind that you just can't scrub out no matter how hard you try ( Read more... )

Have I always been wrong in my assumption that Natalie Imbruglia's 1998 hit "Torn" is about getting fucked too hard and experiencing vaginal tearing? Evidently I am a pervert for thinking so...and have been for over a decade ( Read more... )