I'm still sick. I don't have time between sleep, work, depression and, packing to deal with it properly.actually, I've lost the will to give a fuck about getting better. I'm a broken person. Everything hurts just enough to not want to be awake. It doesn't take much to make me cry. I'm angry that I can't seem to be worth sticking out being ( Read more... )

10 more days of work 20 more days of California. I'm scared, down right terrified. I'm a mess, moody, angry, sad. I'll be a bigger mess the sixth when I board a plane taking me to a different life. I know my problems will follow me. I know that I can't run from the disfuntion that is my normal day to day self. I just have a small hope that maybe I' ( Read more... )

So my entire life is in boxes and duffel bags. I live out of duffle bags. It looks like paying to move out of state is going to be impossible. Every damn thing I've looked at is over 1000 bucks. It's coming down to "do you really need all your things?" And what's the big deal it's just stuff, you can get new stuff." It boils down to I never get to ( Read more... )

My entire life is in boxes. All that's left is to devide up the DVDs and take a few more pictures off the walls. I'm still very emotional. Shit keeps piling up as well. 27 days until I leave for good. That's weird to think.

After all that has fucking happened lately I've been fucked not so gently with what feels like a chainsaw. My emotions are raw and today was salt in the open wounds. I lost A cat his name was cash he was Brandon's cat but I loved him as my own. My heart hurts. Plus pike on top of that B was very inconsiderate. He wished me Happy Anniversary. Which ( Read more... )

Today would have been my 4 year anniversary. I remember how happy I was and how happy he was to have me.Now my life is in boxes and I'm leaving California to be with family without him. I'm a mess. I miss everything. I need to sleep . I have to be at work for a meeting later. I can't seem to shove this back down. Just when I think I might be ok , I ( Read more... )

Well I'm moving to Colorado in a month. I'm terrified, excited, worried, anxiety ridden and still mourning for the loss of a relationship. I wanted the ultimate distraction and boy howdy, did I get it. I know I have angered a lot of people and have seemed very insensitive and uncaring about thier loss recently. I'm not going to put myself on a ( Read more... )

I'm burnt up at both ends. Just when I think I may be somewhat ok, you know when the constant sobbing subsides momentarily, than another super shitty thing happens. And than I have to start over. I'm tired of starting over. I know the Phoenix burns many times in its life span, why can't mine be a slow burn? Why is it I'm forced to burn before I ( Read more... )

I slept for thirteen hours to avoid my feelings. The closer to my trip to Colorado I get the more I don't want to go.

Thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. Why is it that people love the idea of me but than the reality of me is too much? This is weighing on my heart and head today. I always find myself here. Putting someone back in the just friends compartment isn't easy. I wish I could hate him even for a split second. This would be easier.