Comments | moondrunk: Birth Story...aka the failed homebirth.

moondrunk

Birth Story...aka the failed homebirth.

Feb 05, 2009 16:19

First, thank you for all the congratulations and well wishes. I wish I could reply to them all but I decided most of you were probably more interested in what's below.

I've cut this into sections. A lot of it is angsty; I did not get the birth I wanted, or anything close, and that hurts.

( Birth story..cut for length and because parts of it are not the most joyous... )

birth story, pictures, lily

Comments 47

merely_mortal February 6 2009, 02:51:16 UTC

Yay for baby!! :)

I'm so sorry that the whole thing was so traumatic, but I'm so glad that you and Lily are healthy. The whole childbirth thing is so weird and messy but really marvelous and amazing, because now you have a baby! That you get to keep! ;)

She's such a pretty baby, and I get the feeling she's going to be daddy's little girl. :) I'm so happy for you guys!!

merely_mortal February 6 2009, 02:57:07 UTC

PS- stop calling it the failed home birth. If you keep referring to it like that, it's going to keep eating at you. I don't think it was a failure, because when a call had to be made, the right thing for both you and baby was done. C'est la vie! :)

moondrunk February 7 2009, 04:09:49 UTC

I think she's going to be a daddy's girl too! He's so in love with her - it's amazing!

I'm glad we're healthy too...it's scary in retrospect how sick I got, and didn't even realize it.

I know I shouldn't call it that. I'm trying not to. It's just one of those crystalizing comments that sticks in your head whether you want it to or not - I am trying so hard to redirect it though!

By the way, I haven't gotten to send the card yet, but we LOVE the blanket and booties and hat. I'd never seen a hoodie blanket - it's awesome!

weavingfire February 6 2009, 03:31:31 UTC

You know what? I wanted a totally natural, spiritual birth and I ended up with a c-section too.

It sucks beyond measure.

You failed at nothing, life is unpredictable.

moondrunk February 7 2009, 04:11:37 UTC

I'm sorry for the direction your birth took. I never realized how painful that can be.

I am trying to think that way. I'm getting better at it, but I think it will just take time. I don't grieve quickly unfortunately, and the sleep deprivation ain't helping - but it at least reminds me why I made the decision I did! :)

weavingfire February 7 2009, 15:08:55 UTC

You don't have the rush the grief...just keep writing/talking about it...that's what really helped me.

It's been six years since I gave birth to my little boy (and I did "give birth," even if it was surgically) and I can honestly say that if I didn't have the c-section, I would have never become a doula which has been incredibly fulfilling for me.

moondrunk February 7 2009, 15:15:00 UTC

How neat that you became a doula! I have so much respect for that - it's a hard job, but it looks amazing. I had pondered it when I first learned about doulas, but my own labor convinced me I would be useless. I'm too amazed by what's going on to be supportive, heh!

cellophanetower February 6 2009, 03:46:38 UTC

yes. and wow. and congratulations! when can i meet her? :D

moondrunk February 7 2009, 04:12:03 UTC

Call Keith lol - he's my gatekeeper until my mind wakes up, or I'd end up with 16 people here at once! Haha. :)

briefsynopsis February 6 2009, 05:21:53 UTC

wow, what an amazing birth story Lily has. You said a lot of things in your post that hit home, one of them being the feeling of failure. The other being people mistaking your grief for PPD. I don't think you'll ever completely get over not being able to give birth the way you wanted to although holding Lily will help you forget it and you'll feel robbed but you didn't fail overall. You have a wonderful daughter who is going to (if she hasn't already) become the center of your world; you will be willing to stay up all night, no matter how many nights it takes, just so Lily will get a few hours of sleep, even if it means you will be completely deprived and you'll finally learn what sacrifice really means. I say you specifically because although Keith loves Lily very much, he will never have the relationship with her that you have and he might not understand why you will obsess over little things like her breathing pattern or making sure that you put on her diaper a certain way because thats how she likes it. Only you are going to ( ... )

moondrunk February 7 2009, 04:13:25 UTC

*hugs* Thank you, Sadiya. She never fails to amaze me - and you're right. I actually like when she has the hiccups in her sleep because I can hear her! How silly is that? :D

barbarafunmouse February 6 2009, 07:00:04 UTC

I hope those nurses are being prepped for surgery because they surely need their head removed from their ass. Frankly, the entire dumbshow they put on completely justified why you wanted a home birth! ... and you're hearing that from ME of all people ( ... )

moondrunk February 7 2009, 04:15:26 UTC

*hugs* This is what I wanted to tell you about when I had to run to take care of Lily the other night.

I think you nailed it. If I had planned the c, I'd be okay. Or even had some warning it might be coming - I'd have been disappointed, but not so shocked. I don't judge anyone who has had to have a csection - it just wasn't what I thought I was getting into.

Your comment also means a lot to me, as I know your feelings on homebirth. *hugs* Thank you.