Birth Story...aka the failed homebirth.

[moondrunk]

First, thank you for all the congratulations and well wishes. I wish I could reply to them all but I decided most of you were probably more interested in what's below.

I've cut this into sections. A lot of it is angsty; I did not get the birth I wanted, or anything close, and that hurts.

Comments

[ever_abstract]

*hugs*

First of all, congratulations on the beautiful baby!

I am so sorry that your birth didn't go the way you planned. Clearly, it's going to take a long time for you to heal from it both physically and emotionally. If you want, there are communities on livejournal designed just for this. I believe they are birthtrauma and cesarean_rageI wouldn't listen to any doctor who told me that I couldn't dilate past a certain point. Especially one who diagnosed pre-e off of blood pressure alone. BP is just a symptom and given the stress you were under, your exhaustion, your labor, probably dehydration, it doesn't surprise me that your blood pressure was high. You might want to request your hospital records as well as your midwife's flow sheets to see what happened from their perspective

[moondrunk]

Thank you

[summer_mommy]

Heather. I'm not really sure what to say. This actually made me cry for you reading this. Because I know how terribly badly you wanted that homebirth. And I can't imagine how it must feel to have it go so wrong. I hope that you'll find peace with how things went. And I am SO PROUD of you for sticking things out for so long. 28 hours is unimaginable to me. My labor was 5 1/2 and that seemed too long. :o)

And now... Lily. She is gorgeous. She's got HAIR!! She's beautiful. I'm in love with her already and I haven't even met her. You two did good!!

Let me know when you're feeling more healed and less exhausted, and I'll plan a trip down. Unfortuantely I still work every other weekend, and the weekend of the 21st, I'll be helping Scott move into our new apartment. But I could take a day off sometime to come down or we can just wait until March. You let me know what you're up to.

And if you have any nursing questions -- please let me know. I'd be thrilled to help. Hope things are going well. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

[moondrunk]

*hugs* I think writing it out has me more at peace with it. It's easier to see what was out of my control and what wasn't, although I'd be lying if I said I didn't still sometimes cry about it. Thank you for being proud...it's good to hear stuff like that :)

I'm still amazed by Lily every time I look at her. The amount of hair she has and just how beautiful she is...it's hard to believe I'm her mom!

I will let you know as soon as I'm up to it. I kind of feel like **I** need a babysitter right now, so when that phase passes I'll let you know...lol!

Nursing is actually going amazingly well. We had our first ped visit yesterday at 6 days old, and Lily is already practically at her birth weight. That made me proud :D

[summer_mommy]

I'm so thrilled to hear that nursing is going well. That was one of my major concerns because I know sections can screw with a successful start to nursing. But... I think maybe your Goddess was looking out for you there :D Go mama go! You're doing amazing. I can't wait until you're feeling better so I can come and see you and my new little niece.

[moondrunk]

I'm lucky about it I think - no one in the hospital said anything about waking a sleepy csection baby to nurse, and I don't even remember why I knew that. But Keith & I, every two hours, tickled her awake to get her to nurse. It paid off - she was born 7lb 7 oz, and on day 2 she'd only lost 4oz. I was proud of that! She's already back up to that and it's only been a week, so I do think it's going well :)

[stumphed]

Wow.

Okay, first of all, Lily is BEAUTIFUL. Like, WAY beautiful, WAY WAY beautiful. That first pic up there? Frame it. It's priceless. That smile... :D

As for the birth, I'm so sorry it didn't happen how you planned it. We all know how hard you worked and planned throughout the entire pregnancy for the home birth and it just SUCKS that it didn't happen that way.

I am glad to hear that you realize you're mourning the loss of what you had planned. That is really healthy and it ensures that you can work through the process and not just stay hung up on it the way others would by not acknowledging it.

But it's over now and you have your beautiful family together and healthy and even though the first 12 hours are a blur, you have the rest of your lives together to make memories.

♥ x a billion

[moondrunk]

*hugs* Thanks, Joey. And it's funny you say that, because that is TOTALLY the first picture I framed :D I *love* it - I have never seen him happier.

It really does help to realize that the situation does suck, and that I'm not just over-reacting. Sometimes until you write it out or talk it out, you just can't put it into perspective. :)

[sagefemme11]

Oh, I am so sorry your birth story is full of such hard moments. If it was difficult for me to read, I can only imagine the lived experience you went through. Process this slowly and as your body heals, allow your heart to do so as well.

You did a good job. Don't forget that. Not ever. YOU DID A GOOD JOB.

[moondrunk]

Thank you - I really appreciate hearing that. Honestly the birth felt so hopeful and positive to me until the end - things crashed and that's what's hard to process, although writing it out helped a lot.

[givmewings]

Gah. As someone who just had a homebirth I am SO sorry that you didn't get to have exactly the birth you'd hoped for. I can completely understand how upsetting that would be and I send you my love.
I am so glad that you and the little one are safe and doing well!
She is gorgeous!!

[moondrunk]

Thank you <3 I can't wait to read you birth story if you put one up - I know how badly you wanted a homebirth too, and I'm so glad you got it. It's funny - our daughters were born within 2 days of each other!