"i'm just a pretty little thing, make you want to buy a ring"
Title: Wear My Kiss
Author: mothergoddamn
Pairing/characters: Perry Van Shrike x Harry Lockhart
Rating: R-
Disclaimer: I do not own Perry or Harry. I do, however, own the sofa.
Summary: Written for this prompt. Harmony tells Harry he can't kiss. Harry turns to Perry for help.
Author's Notes: I've never written KKBB fic before, dear hearts. Be gentle with me!
WEAR MY KISS
“Get your feet off my table, fuckhead,” Perry said, walking in on a morose looking Harry with his muddy trainers all over his Christian T’one coffee stand. Balling out Harry had become like an inbuilt autopilot that he couldn’t switch off. Perry began to shift absent-mindedly through the mail as Harry sighed heavily and quickly removed the offending limbs. Then he sighed again for good measure in case Perry hadn’t heard. Then when Perry still hadn’t reacted he practically blew the house down on the third go. “Goddamnit! What?”
“It’s Harmony. We had a fight” Harry hugged himself and pouted at the injustice of it all.
“I’ll alert the world press.” Perry flopped down next to him on the sofa, resigned to his fate of being bored to tears with yet another tale from breederdom. “Why?”
“It’s a kind of delicate. I don’t want to talk about it.” Harry looked away, all manly and silent suffering.
“Fine.”
“I mean, you’re my friend? And like my boss so it be, like, totally awkward.”
“Understood.”
“And I’m not sure you could even...help? You know?”
“Probably not.”
“And you wouldn’t care.”
“Definitely not.”
“Plus, I’m not sure that...”
“Oh, Christ on a Vespa, Harry. What is it?” Perry flung the mail on the table, finally defeated.
“Harmonysaysican’tkissandthatishouldaskyouhow!”
“...what? Was that Swahili?”
“I said...” He sighed and closed his eyes. “I said Harmony says I can’t kiss. No good at it. Like a Dyson apparently. She said...she said to ask you how.” He opened his eyes and stared at Perry. “My girlfriend thinks I need to ask a gay guy for tips on kissing women. This is a proud day for me. Oh, yeah. Laugh. Thanks for that, pal.” He got up to go but Perry grabbed his arm.
“Harry! Wait!” He struggled to regain his composure. “I’ll help! What do you want, Casanova?”
“Harmony thinks that we should...” Harry gestured between the two of them and shrugged.
“What? She thinks we should actually kiss? I knew she didn’t like me!”
“She just thinks that showing is better than telling! Look, it’s not that big of a deal. We did it before! You had very soft lips. I remember wondering what brand of chap you used!”
“It’s not a big deal for me, dipshit, but you nearly vomited all over my car!”
“You sprung it on me! And it was, like, a total stressful day. Please, Perry!” Harry stared at him with pleading eyes. Fine, if Harry wanted to embarrass himself then that was his look out. Far be it from him to interfere.
“Okay. Whatever. But if you drown me in saliva I’m going to kill you.” He moved closer to Harry on the sofa and noted in slight confusion his heart had begun to beat rather rapidly.
“Where should I put my hands?” Harry asked, looking to Perry for direction.
“Well, put this one on your hip. Like this.” Perry adjusted the arm. “And the other in the air. Tilt your hand out. Bend it a tad! There you go.”
“I don’t understand how...oh, for fucks sake!” Harry looked down at himself and realised that Perry had made him into a little teapot.
“Put them on my waist, dummy!” Perry laughed, demonstrating on Harry’s hips where to go. Harry looked startled at the sudden contact and shifted away from the detective’s fingers. “I’m not going to take your maidenhead, Harry. This WAS your idea if you recall.”
“Yeah, yeah! No. Sure. On the hips. Got it!” He gripped at Perry’s waist almost painfully causing him to wince.
“Jesus Christ! You have the romance techniques of Fritzl! Just follow my lead okay?” Perry couldn’t believe he was missing 24 for this. “Right. Now scoot closer to me. Closer. No, don’t sit in my fucking lap. There. Okay, now put your hands like this.” He returned his hands to Harry’s waist and rested them gently. After a moment Harry did the same. “Now, look into Harmony’s eyes like this.” He tilted his head and parted his lips softly, the corner of his mouth lifting into a small smile. “Look at her like she’s a revelation and you’re seeing her for the first time. She’s the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, she’s the Sistine chapel, she’s...oh, wait it’s you. Look at her like she’s a sale at Walmart.” Harry’s attempt was more like the dog from the HMV adverts. “That’ll...er...that’ll do for now. Right, now lower your voice. Be low and husky. Sexy.”
“Low, husky, sexy,” Harry growled. In the style of a pneumonia ridden Darth Vader. Christ, this was hopeless. God bless Harmony for dealing with him this long.
“Then you want to stare at her mouth, like it’s too distracting and you can’t tear your eyes away.”
“Oh, oh! Like a car accident?”
“What the fuck is the matter with you? No, do not, under any circumstances, look at her mouth like it’s a car accident. How did you ever get laid without me? Do this, idiot.” Perry stared at Harry’s lips and then seemingly had to drag them to the man’s soft brown eyes. Once done he repeated the routine filling his expression with longing and desire each time. “Now you do it.” Harry tried, looking like he was experiencing a stroke in warp speed. Perry sighed heavily; this was going to take all night! “Now what you want to do is gently close the distance, never breaking eye contact. Then very softly, brush your lips gently over theirs.” He noticed Harry’s body stiffen at this. “We can stop anytime, Chief?”
“No, I...I need to learn this, Perry.” He nodded in affirmation and leaned towards Perry, his lips comically puckered. Perry smiled and leaned into the smaller man, his eyes fixed upon his. He had never realised just how deep and warm Harry’s eyes were as they stared back full of an almost sweet unspoken trust. It was weird but that vulnerability of his at times was almost endearing, Kind of sexy in a way. Wait! This was Harry! Where had that thought come from. Pushing it aside he pressed his lips to Harry’s.
He pecked Harry almost demurely and pulled back slightly, his face barely inches from Harry’s own. Harry’s eyes fluttered open and looked at him in expectation. Perry marveled at the strange feeling of nervousness that seemed to descend upon him. This was Harry Lockheart for God’s sake! The man made Barney the Dinsosaur look like Nikola Tesla.
“Okay, now you pull back and gaze at them again. Like you didn’t expect their lips to be quite that soft.” He really hadn’t. “Or that they’d fit so well against you.” Like a glove really. “Or how badly you’d want to do it again.” Christ no, he hadn’t expected that at all. “Okay, your go. Remember to close the gap slowly. Slower. No, faster than that. Seriously, I’ve seen continents drift apart faster than this, Harry. OOMPH!” Harry’s face smacked into his and Perry’s nose and teeth were painfully bashed in the process. “You idiot! Who taught you to kiss last time? Ike Turner?” Harry pulled back and began staring at Perry in an expression of pure terror. “What? Harry what is it? Christ! I knew this would freak you out!”
“Eh? No! This is my “whoa, I never expected it to be that soft and jigsaw like” face. Can’t you tell?”
“Christ! There are flesh eating skin diseases that are less irritating than you! You look like you walked in on me garrotting your mother! Look, let’s just jump into the main event okay? We can discuss build up later. This is going to be longer, Chief? You still sure you want to proceed?”
“For the last time, yes! The quicker we get this over with the sooner I’m having sex with Harmony!” Harry beamed and tapped his lips with his finger. “Hit me.”
“Please. Don’t tempt me.” Perry wasn’t even sure what kind of temptation he was referring. Leaning in he kissed Harry again. Harder this time, pulling Harry closer to him and running one hand down his back softly, resting it at the base of his spine. It would be so easy to pretend this was the real deal, it wasn’t like that it had never crossed his mind before or anything. That first night at the party he had scanned Harry with his mental gaydar at least four times. Each time the test had come back “straighter than Jack Nicholson in Stringfellows” he had cried "run it again!”. Luckily Harry had then opened his everlasting mouth and chased away Perry’s lust with his utter idiocy. Overtime that stupidity had become somewhat endearing. Like a retarded puppy. On rollerskates. His train of thought was broken when Harry’s tongue nudged against his own. Startled he broke this kiss.
“What? Is that wrong? Is it because you can taste Oreos?” Harry asked.
“Your tongue, fuckwit! It raped my mouth!”
“We are kissing! It’s supposed to have tongues! Unless it really is a french thing? But my passport is still valid so...” He leant forward in search of Perry’s mouth and he almost threw himself backward to get away.
“Do you not think that’s taking it a bit far? I mean...” Perry ran his hands through his hair searching for the right words.
The real reason was that kissing Harry was having a strange effect on him, and adding spice to the proceedings wasn’t exactly going to help matters. “...are you sure Harmony meant you...and...what I mean to say is...” Harry’s mouth cut off his words and his tongue invaded his mouth once more. Perry should have pushed him off but he was only human afterall and damn Harry knew how to move his tongue. What the fuck was Harmony going on about? The was nothing wrong with Harry’s technique. Once you got him going that was. And...oh, God! Was that his teeth nibbling his lip? He groaned involuntarily and Harry quickly followed suit in perfect imitation of him. The sound sent vibrations through his groin and he felt his cock twitch in excitement. No, no, no! The last thing he needed was for Harry to feel that. This wasn’t even his damn fault! Harry was the one lying on top of him groaning and writhing like a Z List celebrity in a grainy home video. He had to stop this! “Harry!” he cried pushing against his chest hard. Too hard as Harry flipped over and fell off the couch. “Oh, shit! Are you okay?”
“Constructive criticism would be preferred, Perry,” Harry grumbled, staring at him from the floor.
“Well, if you hadn’t decided to jump several steps, moron! You wouldn’t turn up for your first driving lesson in a Ferrari would you?”
“Nor would you turn up in a fucking go kart! You told me to go faster so I did! I put shift into overdrive and then you pulled on the brakes!” Harry scrambled back up on the sofa and glared at Perry in annoyance. “You’re such a backseat driver!”
“You utterly killed that metaphor, Harry. Let it rest in peace. Look, what I’m...”
“Simile.”
“What?”
“It’s not a metaphor it’s a simile.” Harry sat back on the sofa and crossed his arms smugly. “Simile,” he repeated.
“You utter, utter idiot! It’s a...oh, forget it! Forget it. I’m just saying that this was supposed to be a lesson in kissing and it turned into something else. If it carried on things were going to get...awkward.”
“How many times do I have to say this? I am totally fine! I’m not freak...”
“WELL, I AM!” Perry startled them both with his yell and to his horror felt his face redden in an embarrassed blush.
“I don’t understand?” Harry tilted his head in concern. In answer Perry indicated to his jeans where a clear bulge was visible.
“Look, I’m sorry, Harry. I...” He broke off on seeing Harry’s wide grin.
“I did that? Me? That was because you were kissing me?” He looked fit to burst with pride.
“Why isn’t that freaking you out? Harry, I just got wood from kissing you!” At this Harry gave a fey little clap in delight. “You should be awkwardly backing out of here, keeping your back to the wall!”
“Let me get this straight. Well, not straight. I guess that’s not the right word is it? Let me get this right, in other circumstances you would not be averse to kissing me?” Harry leaned forward and stared solemnly into his eyes.
“...I guess not? I mean. You’re a total idiot, you’re messy, you’re clumsy and not my usual type at all but...yeah in other circumstances I suppose...” Perry’s heart beat wildly in his chest, the pounding sounding in his brain. What the fuck was going on?
“I have a confession to make. Please don’t be mad!” Harry placed an reassuring hand on his thigh that did nothing to quell the desire in his stomach. “I know how to kiss just fine.”
Perry stared at him in confusion for a moment, the silence seeming to stretch into millennia. If Harry knew how to kiss then what the hell had this whole evening been about? Unless? He stared back at the man, his mouth gaping in a tiny O shape.
“It was my way of testing the waters. I know it was stupid! But other than throwing us into mortal peril I couldn’t think how to jump you and you not punch me. I wasn’t expecting...well that reaction. Not that I’m complaining! And I know you are probably really, really pissed but maybe we can look back on this and laugh. Hopefully in the same town I mean. Are you mad? You’re really mad aren’t you? I guess...” This time it was Perry that silenced him with his lips.
“Harry?” he murmured into the man’s mouth. “Shut up and use your tongue for something useful.”
THE END. OMG!
Author: mothergoddamn
Pairing/characters: Perry Van Shrike x Harry Lockhart
Rating: R-
Disclaimer: I do not own Perry or Harry. I do, however, own the sofa.
Summary: Written for this prompt. Harmony tells Harry he can't kiss. Harry turns to Perry for help.
Author's Notes: I've never written KKBB fic before, dear hearts. Be gentle with me!
WEAR MY KISS
“Get your feet off my table, fuckhead,” Perry said, walking in on a morose looking Harry with his muddy trainers all over his Christian T’one coffee stand. Balling out Harry had become like an inbuilt autopilot that he couldn’t switch off. Perry began to shift absent-mindedly through the mail as Harry sighed heavily and quickly removed the offending limbs. Then he sighed again for good measure in case Perry hadn’t heard. Then when Perry still hadn’t reacted he practically blew the house down on the third go. “Goddamnit! What?”
“It’s Harmony. We had a fight” Harry hugged himself and pouted at the injustice of it all.
“I’ll alert the world press.” Perry flopped down next to him on the sofa, resigned to his fate of being bored to tears with yet another tale from breederdom. “Why?”
“It’s a kind of delicate. I don’t want to talk about it.” Harry looked away, all manly and silent suffering.
“Fine.”
“I mean, you’re my friend? And like my boss so it be, like, totally awkward.”
“Understood.”
“And I’m not sure you could even...help? You know?”
“Probably not.”
“And you wouldn’t care.”
“Definitely not.”
“Plus, I’m not sure that...”
“Oh, Christ on a Vespa, Harry. What is it?” Perry flung the mail on the table, finally defeated.
“Harmonysaysican’tkissandthatishouldaskyouhow!”
“...what? Was that Swahili?”
“I said...” He sighed and closed his eyes. “I said Harmony says I can’t kiss. No good at it. Like a Dyson apparently. She said...she said to ask you how.” He opened his eyes and stared at Perry. “My girlfriend thinks I need to ask a gay guy for tips on kissing women. This is a proud day for me. Oh, yeah. Laugh. Thanks for that, pal.” He got up to go but Perry grabbed his arm.
“Harry! Wait!” He struggled to regain his composure. “I’ll help! What do you want, Casanova?”
“Harmony thinks that we should...” Harry gestured between the two of them and shrugged.
“What? She thinks we should actually kiss? I knew she didn’t like me!”
“She just thinks that showing is better than telling! Look, it’s not that big of a deal. We did it before! You had very soft lips. I remember wondering what brand of chap you used!”
“It’s not a big deal for me, dipshit, but you nearly vomited all over my car!”
“You sprung it on me! And it was, like, a total stressful day. Please, Perry!” Harry stared at him with pleading eyes. Fine, if Harry wanted to embarrass himself then that was his look out. Far be it from him to interfere.
“Okay. Whatever. But if you drown me in saliva I’m going to kill you.” He moved closer to Harry on the sofa and noted in slight confusion his heart had begun to beat rather rapidly.
“Where should I put my hands?” Harry asked, looking to Perry for direction.
“Well, put this one on your hip. Like this.” Perry adjusted the arm. “And the other in the air. Tilt your hand out. Bend it a tad! There you go.”
“I don’t understand how...oh, for fucks sake!” Harry looked down at himself and realised that Perry had made him into a little teapot.
“Put them on my waist, dummy!” Perry laughed, demonstrating on Harry’s hips where to go. Harry looked startled at the sudden contact and shifted away from the detective’s fingers. “I’m not going to take your maidenhead, Harry. This WAS your idea if you recall.”
“Yeah, yeah! No. Sure. On the hips. Got it!” He gripped at Perry’s waist almost painfully causing him to wince.
“Jesus Christ! You have the romance techniques of Fritzl! Just follow my lead okay?” Perry couldn’t believe he was missing 24 for this. “Right. Now scoot closer to me. Closer. No, don’t sit in my fucking lap. There. Okay, now put your hands like this.” He returned his hands to Harry’s waist and rested them gently. After a moment Harry did the same. “Now, look into Harmony’s eyes like this.” He tilted his head and parted his lips softly, the corner of his mouth lifting into a small smile. “Look at her like she’s a revelation and you’re seeing her for the first time. She’s the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, she’s the Sistine chapel, she’s...oh, wait it’s you. Look at her like she’s a sale at Walmart.” Harry’s attempt was more like the dog from the HMV adverts. “That’ll...er...that’ll do for now. Right, now lower your voice. Be low and husky. Sexy.”
“Low, husky, sexy,” Harry growled. In the style of a pneumonia ridden Darth Vader. Christ, this was hopeless. God bless Harmony for dealing with him this long.
“Then you want to stare at her mouth, like it’s too distracting and you can’t tear your eyes away.”
“Oh, oh! Like a car accident?”
“What the fuck is the matter with you? No, do not, under any circumstances, look at her mouth like it’s a car accident. How did you ever get laid without me? Do this, idiot.” Perry stared at Harry’s lips and then seemingly had to drag them to the man’s soft brown eyes. Once done he repeated the routine filling his expression with longing and desire each time. “Now you do it.” Harry tried, looking like he was experiencing a stroke in warp speed. Perry sighed heavily; this was going to take all night! “Now what you want to do is gently close the distance, never breaking eye contact. Then very softly, brush your lips gently over theirs.” He noticed Harry’s body stiffen at this. “We can stop anytime, Chief?”
“No, I...I need to learn this, Perry.” He nodded in affirmation and leaned towards Perry, his lips comically puckered. Perry smiled and leaned into the smaller man, his eyes fixed upon his. He had never realised just how deep and warm Harry’s eyes were as they stared back full of an almost sweet unspoken trust. It was weird but that vulnerability of his at times was almost endearing, Kind of sexy in a way. Wait! This was Harry! Where had that thought come from. Pushing it aside he pressed his lips to Harry’s.
He pecked Harry almost demurely and pulled back slightly, his face barely inches from Harry’s own. Harry’s eyes fluttered open and looked at him in expectation. Perry marveled at the strange feeling of nervousness that seemed to descend upon him. This was Harry Lockheart for God’s sake! The man made Barney the Dinsosaur look like Nikola Tesla.
“Okay, now you pull back and gaze at them again. Like you didn’t expect their lips to be quite that soft.” He really hadn’t. “Or that they’d fit so well against you.” Like a glove really. “Or how badly you’d want to do it again.” Christ no, he hadn’t expected that at all. “Okay, your go. Remember to close the gap slowly. Slower. No, faster than that. Seriously, I’ve seen continents drift apart faster than this, Harry. OOMPH!” Harry’s face smacked into his and Perry’s nose and teeth were painfully bashed in the process. “You idiot! Who taught you to kiss last time? Ike Turner?” Harry pulled back and began staring at Perry in an expression of pure terror. “What? Harry what is it? Christ! I knew this would freak you out!”
“Eh? No! This is my “whoa, I never expected it to be that soft and jigsaw like” face. Can’t you tell?”
“Christ! There are flesh eating skin diseases that are less irritating than you! You look like you walked in on me garrotting your mother! Look, let’s just jump into the main event okay? We can discuss build up later. This is going to be longer, Chief? You still sure you want to proceed?”
“For the last time, yes! The quicker we get this over with the sooner I’m having sex with Harmony!” Harry beamed and tapped his lips with his finger. “Hit me.”
“Please. Don’t tempt me.” Perry wasn’t even sure what kind of temptation he was referring. Leaning in he kissed Harry again. Harder this time, pulling Harry closer to him and running one hand down his back softly, resting it at the base of his spine. It would be so easy to pretend this was the real deal, it wasn’t like that it had never crossed his mind before or anything. That first night at the party he had scanned Harry with his mental gaydar at least four times. Each time the test had come back “straighter than Jack Nicholson in Stringfellows” he had cried "run it again!”. Luckily Harry had then opened his everlasting mouth and chased away Perry’s lust with his utter idiocy. Overtime that stupidity had become somewhat endearing. Like a retarded puppy. On rollerskates. His train of thought was broken when Harry’s tongue nudged against his own. Startled he broke this kiss.
“What? Is that wrong? Is it because you can taste Oreos?” Harry asked.
“Your tongue, fuckwit! It raped my mouth!”
“We are kissing! It’s supposed to have tongues! Unless it really is a french thing? But my passport is still valid so...” He leant forward in search of Perry’s mouth and he almost threw himself backward to get away.
“Do you not think that’s taking it a bit far? I mean...” Perry ran his hands through his hair searching for the right words.
The real reason was that kissing Harry was having a strange effect on him, and adding spice to the proceedings wasn’t exactly going to help matters. “...are you sure Harmony meant you...and...what I mean to say is...” Harry’s mouth cut off his words and his tongue invaded his mouth once more. Perry should have pushed him off but he was only human afterall and damn Harry knew how to move his tongue. What the fuck was Harmony going on about? The was nothing wrong with Harry’s technique. Once you got him going that was. And...oh, God! Was that his teeth nibbling his lip? He groaned involuntarily and Harry quickly followed suit in perfect imitation of him. The sound sent vibrations through his groin and he felt his cock twitch in excitement. No, no, no! The last thing he needed was for Harry to feel that. This wasn’t even his damn fault! Harry was the one lying on top of him groaning and writhing like a Z List celebrity in a grainy home video. He had to stop this! “Harry!” he cried pushing against his chest hard. Too hard as Harry flipped over and fell off the couch. “Oh, shit! Are you okay?”
“Constructive criticism would be preferred, Perry,” Harry grumbled, staring at him from the floor.
“Well, if you hadn’t decided to jump several steps, moron! You wouldn’t turn up for your first driving lesson in a Ferrari would you?”
“Nor would you turn up in a fucking go kart! You told me to go faster so I did! I put shift into overdrive and then you pulled on the brakes!” Harry scrambled back up on the sofa and glared at Perry in annoyance. “You’re such a backseat driver!”
“You utterly killed that metaphor, Harry. Let it rest in peace. Look, what I’m...”
“Simile.”
“What?”
“It’s not a metaphor it’s a simile.” Harry sat back on the sofa and crossed his arms smugly. “Simile,” he repeated.
“You utter, utter idiot! It’s a...oh, forget it! Forget it. I’m just saying that this was supposed to be a lesson in kissing and it turned into something else. If it carried on things were going to get...awkward.”
“How many times do I have to say this? I am totally fine! I’m not freak...”
“WELL, I AM!” Perry startled them both with his yell and to his horror felt his face redden in an embarrassed blush.
“I don’t understand?” Harry tilted his head in concern. In answer Perry indicated to his jeans where a clear bulge was visible.
“Look, I’m sorry, Harry. I...” He broke off on seeing Harry’s wide grin.
“I did that? Me? That was because you were kissing me?” He looked fit to burst with pride.
“Why isn’t that freaking you out? Harry, I just got wood from kissing you!” At this Harry gave a fey little clap in delight. “You should be awkwardly backing out of here, keeping your back to the wall!”
“Let me get this straight. Well, not straight. I guess that’s not the right word is it? Let me get this right, in other circumstances you would not be averse to kissing me?” Harry leaned forward and stared solemnly into his eyes.
“...I guess not? I mean. You’re a total idiot, you’re messy, you’re clumsy and not my usual type at all but...yeah in other circumstances I suppose...” Perry’s heart beat wildly in his chest, the pounding sounding in his brain. What the fuck was going on?
“I have a confession to make. Please don’t be mad!” Harry placed an reassuring hand on his thigh that did nothing to quell the desire in his stomach. “I know how to kiss just fine.”
Perry stared at him in confusion for a moment, the silence seeming to stretch into millennia. If Harry knew how to kiss then what the hell had this whole evening been about? Unless? He stared back at the man, his mouth gaping in a tiny O shape.
“It was my way of testing the waters. I know it was stupid! But other than throwing us into mortal peril I couldn’t think how to jump you and you not punch me. I wasn’t expecting...well that reaction. Not that I’m complaining! And I know you are probably really, really pissed but maybe we can look back on this and laugh. Hopefully in the same town I mean. Are you mad? You’re really mad aren’t you? I guess...” This time it was Perry that silenced him with his lips.
“Harry?” he murmured into the man’s mouth. “Shut up and use your tongue for something useful.”
THE END. OMG!