Some of my thoughts on writing about parenting

[msagara]

reneekytokorpi's comment in a previous thread made me think. In particular:
This is so helpful, and I'm very grateful that you're sharing. While I'm not familiar with Asperger's or Autism, my family struggles with my brother's Kleinfelter's and your insights are helping me explain things in new ways. They're not related disorders, but the coping skills and ways

Comments

[la_marquise_de_]

It seems to me that the rules and compromises you made were both sensible and constructive -- and it's noticeable that the things like chocolate before lunch are breaches only of pretty minor conventions.
A friend with a hugely energetic and imaginative toddler had to insist on the rule 'no roller skates on the climbing frame'. Her son needed that boundary. Other mothers thought she was 'putting ideas in his head', but she wasn't. She knew what he might come up with and had taught herself to look at everything the way he might.

[serge_lj]

One of the last conversations I had with my dad was about when I was born, and how scared he was about doing a good job raising me.

[mtlawson]

But we either had to stop using computers recreationally ourselves or allow him to do so. That reminds me of what we gave up when our son was diagnosed with a peanut allergy. I wasn't sad to see peanut butter go --I was sick to death of peanut butter at the time as I'd had it for over a decade as a school lunch-- but I missed the other items. (And now I actually find myself missing peanut butter; I guess a decade of being away from the stuff will do that to you.) And now, if I'm out and I know that I won't be in contact with my son for several hours, I'm still reluctant to eat at a restaurant where I'll come into contact with peanuts, like Thai

[msagara]

I'm sure that made sense to him, but it never occurred to his ten year old mind that other people we might meet on the trail might have GORP on them, or that they might have brought peanuts to feed a random squirrel or two.

I think it must get harder and harder as he gets older, because obviously nothing bad ever happens, and children often know that we're overly proficient at worry =/.

[mtlawson]

Well, we've hit on him innumerable times that all it takes is once.

When he was going to go visit a neighbor's house the other day, I told him to get his Epipen. "How do you think you'll get to it if you have a reaction?" I asked him.

"I'd just run back," he replied.

"Not if you can't breathe. You can run now because you can. If you can't, an easy run is a nightmare. Just ask your sister with asthma."

[comrade_cat]

I am happy you have a new novel, and I am happy you are posting these! I am one of the readers who don't want children, but I am fascinated by ASD and just loved a well written analysis of most anything anyway. Human beings are interesting to understand (with the understanding that understanding is a process!).

I also mentor a teenager, so random little bits about parenting are helpful in that way.

[green_knight]

While the situations themselves are unique, I am utterly fascinated by hearing you talk about _how you solved them_. And I think that giving a child the security that _they will be heard_ is probably essential to parenting (though different parent/child combinations might express this differently) - there are so many ways in which a child does not have control, that it helps tremendously to be consulted where it *is* possible (and that includes 'here's your pocket money, buy what you like' without the parents bering derisive because the child made 'the wrong' choices, letting them choose their own clothes (while drawing lines about what's appropriate to wear when).

And I think the going out in the snow was very wise of you - instead of fighting the same battle over and over, you simply put yourselves in a situation where you a) didn't have to fight and b) got what you wanted. That sounds like awesome parenting to me!

[msagara]

And I think the going out in the snow was very wise of you - instead of fighting the same battle over and over, you simply put yourselves in a situation where you a) didn't have to fight and b) got what you wanted. That sounds like awesome parenting to me!

We thought it was a good work around, but I'm not kidding about the little old Greek ladies. On the other hand, while they gave me the most disapproving glares imaginable, they didn't actually say anything to me, the mother; they had plenty to say to my husband, if I wasn't with him, though.

I think it's just an offshoot of "choose your battles", and the coat-fight, like any fight started in the house, could continue for hours - which is to say, he was obviously very small and we could force him into the coat, but by that point he was so upset he just didn't stop.

[green_knight]

I can imagine the looks and the disapproval. And I suppose, without knowing the circumstances, I would have looked a little askance as well if I'd happened to come across the situation.

When you're dealing with horses (and I suppose dogs as well), there are many people who say that you should never ever give in, because once you do, you'll always lose. My experience has been different, and I think most people underestimate the degree to which a horse will remember that there was a fight and they had a chance of winning, rather than 'who won'. By channeling the behaviour into something else, or finding workarounds, you're actually supporting your position much better.

(Also: prevention of meltdown = enabling him to learn better, which makes your strategy more of a win.)