Entry for Brigits Flame

[mullvaney]

Hi, everyone! The piece below is my entry into the August writing contest for Brigits Flame. It's short, around 350 words, so read if you want to, and as always, tell me what you think.

Comments

[ebeda]

Short though it may be, I really like this piece. It feels like a snapshot, something the reader overhears or eavesdrops on. It's a very unique use of the theme, and heartwarming without being sappy. Best of luck to you!

[mullvaney]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it!

[lacruciverbiste]

very realistic and poignant. love the self-reflection of the mother. and what girl doesn't remember the dreaded shopping trip with their mother? nice work this week! good luck.

~la cruciverbiste

[mullvaney]

Thank you! And thank you for taking the time to comment; This is my first original posted work..

[megan29]

I like how visual this is, despite the fact that it's short. You're using powerfully descriptive words. One thing that bothered me while reading is that you're using ";" very often. I'd suggest replacing some of the occurrences with "-", ":", or "," as appropriate, or even start a new phrase. I also like the way you treated the prompt. A seemingly innocuous episode can be very powerful, and in fact I remember a very similar situation (except I was the kid).

[mullvaney]

Ah, you've discovered my addiction! I know I have a semi colon problem, but I used 6 of them!. Now I see at least 2 spots I could have made 2 sentences instead. Geeze.

I'm glad you liked it, it was hard to figure out what the necessary details were and what could go. Thank heavens for cut-and-paste. Thanks for reading!

[mullvaney]

There! I got rid of two semicolons! Progress!

[johnmill79]

Cute. It's like capturing a verbal snapshot. Enjoyed.

[mullvaney]

Thank you!

edit 1

[lacruciverbiste]

here to edit! i'll number my suggestions

Re: edit 1

[mullvaney]

Thank you! Am I permitted to change the piece, or should I leave it alone until after Monday?

Re: edit 1

[lacruciverbiste]

change it if you want. people are still reading and voting!