My ACTUAL Horoscope From The Onion

[mustela]

Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll wonder aloud this week if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.

Comments

[scarysecrets]

Ha!

[basbleugrrl]

Dude, I used to carry a roll of duct tape around on the ambulance. That shit CAN do anything. Its the easiest way to strap someone to a backboard . . .

[mustela]

Nice.

I've seen duct tape and a soft stretcher as an excellent method of restraint for a psychotic patient on hallucinogens ...

/brother needed his ativan

//got it, too

[pneumothorax_]

"The cycle of domestic violence perpetuated from generation to generation in your family will finally be broken this week, after you beat your only son to death with a steel wrench."

The guys from the station would love that..

[reedthespis]

That's awesome! *Very* portentious...

My favorite Onion horoscope was: Your mother still refers to you as "My son, the future doctor" even though you're a woman and a dentist, and your mother has been dead for seven years.

[psyroz]

aaaaahahahhaha.