(Untitled)

Feb 06, 2004 16:17

Long one, but only the first part's about anything like the last post. The rest is just me stuff ( Read more... )

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rodneypeete February 11 2004, 13:34:12 UTC
Here's one Tim that I wrote while at work. It has absolutly no meaning, but I was bored and wrote it. I don't feel like putting it in my journal because people think it actually means something and they start asking questions and they never believe me when I say it's nothing. So here it is...oh yea, keep in mind that it's stupid and confusing, but it's ok...

It's another day without your presence,
But what does it mean to you?
Nothing, I think, once again,
It's just me thinking about you.
And maybe it's better this way,
Especially after all the troubles we had.
So this doesn't make sense to me,
How could you be so sad?
Is it that you hate me so much,
Or do you just miss the times we shared?
And while they were so much fun,
You knew all along that you never cared.
So while I sit and laugh to myself,
You are left crying, thinking, dreaming.
Of another chance to laugh that much,
Smiling the whole way it'd be seeming.
But that won't happen now, come on, be real.
I know it because it's not how either of us feel.

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Re: mutimbo February 11 2004, 23:05:43 UTC
Well, I like that the language is simple. The rhymes are a little strained though, and you jump from bit to bit too quickly. And it's so vague that it means nothing to me - a melancholy, visionless daydream is nothing to poeticize. That's just a vague whine set to metre.

So why are you thinking about her? And why is she crying (and change 'think' in that 3 adjective line, if you're gonna keep it. you used it already. I'm partial to the 3 thing, but most other people aren't) instead of being with you? Details! Without em it's dead in the water.

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