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Road Trippin' with Ed and Hank - 22 ( part 2)
The good, the bad 'n the ugly... (part 2)
Love is a battlefield...
Note: Apologies again for the length of time between posts. Btw, despite the title, there is no actual road trippin’ involved in this post.
Memory jog: Because all the shirts they’ve given each other over the years piled up some, Ed and Hank were having Betty make a big ol’ quilt out of a bunch of them, (not including the original two). Sorry... no pictures of the quilt... after Hank put up a picture of his ma's quilt a long time ago, he promised Ed that he wouldn't post pictures of anything else too close to home.
Disclaimer: Hank told their story to Annie Proulx. Jack and Ennis are all hers. Ed and Hank belong only to each other. Rating: G $$: Nope. Comments: Always appreciated.
Part 1 is here:
http://myeyesaintblue.livejournal.com/46459.html
Everything else is here:
http://myeyesaintblue.livejournal.com/10082.html
Love is a battlefield
"Hey, Ed... I was jus' gonna come out ta help you 'n Bill finish up...."
"Funny… I didn’ see no pigs flyin’ by…"
"Hey... Watcha got there...?"
"Betty came ta pick up Bill 'n dropped this off..."
"Didya ask 'em in...?"
"'Course I did, dumbass... Betty said they was on their way somewheres, but I think maybe she jus' wanted us ta see this by ourselves fer the first time...’N she ‘n Bill…"
"Shit. That ain't...? Is it...? It is, ain't it...?"
"Sure is."
"C'mon... What're ya waitin' fer... Open the damn box 'n let's take a look..."
"How 'bout we unveil this here quilt in the livin' room instead a the kitchen... so as not ta risk gettin' it dirty."
"Fine. C'mon, Ed... ya move slower than molasses in February..."
"It's s'posed ta be January... slower 'n molasses in January."
"Yeah... But it's gonna be February by the time ya get ta the damn livin' room..."
"'S April, dumbass... Think I'll manage ta make it ta the livin' room before February rolls around again..."
"Enough talkin'... more walkin'..."
"Yer worse than a kid at Christmas."
"I'll just hafta take yer word fer it... Now wouldya open the damn box."
"Okay, okay... Here..."
"Lift it out... Spread it over the couch..."
“You better do it… I’m kinda dirty…”
"Okay… move outta my way…"
“I’m movin’… I’m movin’… Damn… Watch that elbow a yers…”
"Jeez... Lookit that, Ed..."
"Yeah... Betty did a real fine job...”
“Real fine...”
“Hard ta believe it were poss'ble considerin' some a them ugly shirts ya give me over the years..."
"Don't know whatcher talkin' 'bout..."
"Yeah...? Lookit that one there..."
"Okay... maybe that one were justa l'il loud."
"Justa l'il, huh...? As I recall that one scared the horses the first 'n only time I wore it."
"Our horses are easily scared... Buncha cowards as a matter a fact..."
"'N whaddabout that one there...?"
"Ain't a thing wrong with that one..."
"Guess not... If'n yer a rodeo clown."
"Gotta admit... I did get a kick outta you wearin' them gaudy shirts at least once 'fore we'd switch off..."
"I know ya did. Tha's why I'd make m'self a laughin' stock 'n wear 'em once... Sure as hell weren’t doin’ it fer m’self…"
"Jeez, Ed... All them shirts... All them years... All them good times... 'N a few bad times... 'S all there in tha' quilt..."
"It sure is..."
"Hey… Maybe we should head upstairs 'n put this here quilt on our bed... See how it looks 'n all..."
"So’s long as you ain’t got no other ideas… I'm beat from workin' all day 'n I think 'm still kinda wore out from last nigh' yet..."
"Yeah... Tha' was good… real good... ‘N ya know damn well I always got other ideas… 'Course 'm still a l'il mad at ya ... you sure had me goin' fer a minute there… wha’ with all tha' 'maybe them bible thumpers are right 'n wha' we do is wrong' crap..."
"Ain't that hard ta get ya goin'... Ya know yer real gullible-like..."
"Prefer ta call it trustin'."
"But... I gotta tell ya Hank... I think it is 'bout time ya stopped it..."
"I ain't real sure tha’s somethin' I can jus' decide ta stop... 'Sides... I thought you enjoyed bein' able ta fool me real easy-like..."
"I mean... You wanted me ta stop bein’ so jealous… ‘n now I want you ta stop lookin' at me like I'm gonna bolt on ya ev'ry time someone looks at us a l’il cross-eyed or somethin'..."
"I don't do tha'."
"Yeah. Ya do.”
"I do?"
"Yeah. Ya did it last summer when ya told me wha' tha' fella at tha' camp-lot said... 'N ya did it when we saw tha' billboard 'n ya did it at the jewelers when tha' fella was bein' a jerk..."
"I did?"
"Ya did. Hell... Ya been doin' it fer the thirty-odd years we've lived here ta gether... 'N sure... I mighta thought about leavin' a couple a times way back when... like when things were real bad at work 'n all... but I didn' do it... 'n it's 'bout time ya get it through yer thick skull that I ain't never gonna..."
"Ya ain't...?"
"Nope. Least-wise not on accounta somethin' like tha'... 'Course I migh' leave ya jus' 'cause yer so damn irritatin' sometimes..."
"Tha's jus’ part a my charm."
"Or if'n ya buy me another shirt ugly 'nough ta scare the horses..."
"Been lookin'... They don't seem ta make 'em that ugly no more... Think they musta passed some kinda law or somethin'..."
"'N another thing..."
"Wha'...?"
"Stop worryin' 'bout them bible thumpers gettin’ ta me… ‘cause they cain’t… ‘n they won’t. I ain’t gonna go havin’ no kinda religious relapse… no how... no way."
"Okay."
"'Least-wise not 'til 'm on my deathbed... 'n then maybe I'll repent... just in case 'n all..."
"Thanks a lot."
"'Course then again… I don't think... if'n there is a god... that he'd take too kindly ta someone foresakin' their true love on their deathbed... So's I'm with ya 'til the end... 'N beyond... if'n it's at all poss'ble..."
"True love, huh...?"
"Wouldn' think there'd be nothin' else tha'd make me put up with ya fer so damn long..."
"True 'nough."
"'N I been thinkin' 'bout them bible thumpers tha' put up tha' billboard..."
"Don't waste yer time thinkin' 'bout them dumbasses, Ed... I do more’n enough a tha’ fer the both of us…”
"Jus' think maybe… seein’ as they put their phone number on tha’ billboard ‘n all… tha' somebody with a big mouth… a real big mouth… oughta call ‘n tell them that hatin' on other folks ain't no kinda family value..."
"Don’t think I ain’t thought about it… dialed tha' number even... 'n I jus' got an answerin' machine… Don't know what I woulda said anyways… ‘cause ya might as well pound yer head against a wall as try ta reason with them types… ‘N they got the right ta believe we’re goin’ ta hell… jus’ like we got the right ta know fer a fact tha' they’re a buncha idiots… But wha’ they shouldn’ oughta got is the right ta keep us from gettin' the same rights as they got…”
“No they shouldn’… But they sure seem ta be doin’ a purty good job of it overall…”
"Tha's why folks gotta keep fightin' fer wha's right... even though we prob'bly ain't never gonna change them bible thumpers' minds... sooner or later we're gonna end up changin' the laws..."
"I guess so... But..."
"Hey, Ed… Do you know wha’ tha' Corinthians verse from tha’ billboard says…?”
“Nope. 'Course it's prob'bly buried in this ol' brain a mine somewheres... I spent a whole lotta years bein' forced ta memorize all tha' crap... 'n a whole lot more tryin’ ta ferget it... so's I ain't about ta try 'n dredge it up now..."
"I guess I should jus' look it up online..."
"Don't bother, Hank... It don't really matter what it says anyways... ‘cause if’n ya wanna go takin’ the bible as the whole truth 'n nothin' but the truth then ya’d also hafta believe tha' stuff like rapin’ ‘n pilllagin’ 'n torturin' ‘n slaveholdin’ can be perfectly fine, upstandin’, god-approved activities…"
"Sounds like our gover'ment's been usin' them parts a the bible as a playbook..."
"But… ya know, Hank... I jus' cain't help feelin' real bad fer them gay folks who ain’t managed ta crawl out from under all tha' religion… 'n I don't think jus' the laws changin' will make it tha' much easier on 'em... ‘cause I know how hard it is ta do… ‘n I know wha’ they’re goin’ through…”
“Yeah. I know ya do, Ed… Shit… all the pain ‘n misery folks like that have caused… Hell… I don't get it... them folks are jus' so rabid about it... I remember a picture I seen a while back... when some state... I think it mighta been Oregon... upheld a ban on gays gettin' hitched... The look on some a them folks' faces... You could see the pure joy they got outta hatin' on other folks..."
"I don't get tha' neither, Hank... Why folks care so's damn much 'bout who we love..."
"Yeah... I cain’t figure out if’n most a them bible thumpers jus’ get off on hatin’ other folks fer the sheer fun of it... or if’n they truly believe they’re providin’ some kinda public service announcement… Tryin’ ta save us from burnin’ in their god’s hell... 'n all the hatin' tha' goes along with it is justa big ol' bonus fer 'em… 'Course... they prob'bly don't wanna be too successful at keepin' folks outta hell... 'cause I imagine heaven wouldn' be near so's appealin' if'n they couldn' look down inta hell ev'ry now 'n again 'n say 'I told ya so'...”
“Alls I know is that I spent plenty a time in hell already... all them years that I were livin' a lie... 'n I can tell ya... if'n anythin' were a sin that was. But... bein’ true ta who I am… ‘n lovin’ you… ‘n livin' my life with you... Tha' sure ain't sinnin'... Hell... tha's the opposite a sinnin'..."
"Jeez, Ed... Alls I can say is amen ta tha’."
“’N I know I said it a few times before… But... I jus' wish it wouldna took me so long ta figure it out... Shit... I know 'm still tryin' ta figure some things out... But… I don't know if'n I ever woulda made it this far withou' you makin’ me, Hank..."
"Dammit, Ed... Ya say that all the time... 'n tha's somethin' else you gotta stop... I didn' never make ya do nothin', dumbass... Ya did it on yer own... Guess ya still ain't figured that out yet... 'n it's about time ya did."
"Okay, okay... Ya didn' make me…”
"Damn right I didn' make ya."
"‘Xcept fer movin' inta the house from the trailer... That ya purty much made me do."
"Okay, okay… I'll give ya that one... 'n I've already admitted ta tha’ before... But I’ll say it again if’n it’ll make ya happy… Yeah… I did my best ta make yer life real mis'rable until ya moved inta the house with me… "
"Ya know... If'n ya wanted me ta move in faster ya jus' shoulda stopped havin' sex with me, dumbass... I woulda moved inta that house in no time flat..."
"Weren't no reason ta be out 'n out cruel ta ya... 'Sides... I wanted ta encourage ya to move in... but I didn't wanna force ya..."
"Jus' couldn' stay away from me, huh...?"
"Don't know whatcher talkin' 'bout..."
"'N don't ferget... ya had my name put in tha' phonebook withou' askin' me too..."
"Ain't like ya'd ever let me ferget... Tha' was how many years ago...? Yer never gonna stop bringin’ that up neither… Are ya...?"
"Ya shoulda asked me."
"Our names were eight pages apart..."
"That ain't the point. Ya still shoulda asked me."
"Yeah. I shoulda. But ya jus' woulda said 'no'."
"You don't know tha'."
"Yeah I do."
"No ya don't."
"How many times ya figure we've had this same dumbass argument...?"
"Ain’t arguin’… Jus’ sayin’…"
"Ya think maybe we could put it ta rest once 'n fer all…? ‘Fore the folks readin’ our story wander off sayin’ ‘poor ol’ senile Ed ‘n Hank… they jus’ talk ‘bout the same stuff over ‘n over ‘n over again'…"
"Them folks readin' don’t believe we’re real, dumbass… So’s it’d be more like… 'poor ol’ senile Hank… he jus’ writes ‘bout the same stuff over ‘n over ‘n over again…"
“Well… if’n you don’t stop talkin’ ‘bout the same stuff all the time I’m jus’ gonna start makin' up a whole buncha new stuff fer you ta say instead… Shouldn' be no problem fer ya since you ain't real anyways...”
“Okay… maybe… if’n you apologize fer puttin’ my name in tha’ phonebook withou’ askin’ me first… I’d be willin’ ta ferget about it… You ain’t never really apologized before…”
"Okay. I hereby O-FFICIALLY apologize... I am deeply sorry that I had yer name put in the phonebook withou' askin' ya first."
"You don't sound sorry."
"Fine. I lied. I ain't sorry. 'N I'd do it again."
"Guess we're jus' gonna keep havin' this argument then..."
"Fine with me."
"Fine with me, too. ‘N I’m lookin’ forward ta the next time."
"Me too. ‘N I’m lookin’ forward ta makin’ up some real interestin’ stuff fer you ta say too… Maybe somethin’ like ‘Ed gazed deep inta Hank’s eyes ‘n said, “Ain’t no one else better lookin’ than you, Hank... or better in the sack... or a better barbecuer or a better driver or a better rancher ‘n by the way you got a perfect ass ‘n the biggest dick I ever seen ‘n I worship ev’ry inch a you ‘n the ground ya walk on too…”’
"'N ya shoulda asked me 'bout goin' ta tha' Thanksgivin' dinner over at Betty’s 'fore ya said we would..."
"You got anythin’ more recent-like ta complain about, dumbass…? ‘N yeah… I shoulda asked ya... But I didn't. 'N I ain't sorry 'bout tha’ neither... 'n If'n I had ta do it again I'd do the same damn thing then too."
"Ya know somethin', Hank... I would too... Ev'ry single minute a it... the good ones, the bad ones, 'n even the ugly ones... Now I s’pose yer gonna tell me I said tha’ before too…"
"Hell… You can say that as many times as ya wanna ‘n ya won’t hear no complaints from me… ‘N me too, Ed... I wouldn' leave out a thing neither... 'xcept maybe..."
"'Xcept wha', dumbass...? You fin’lly regrettin' buyin' some a them ugly shirts…?"
"No... 'S more like... uh... you… uh… you wantin'... ta do away with yer self... Wouldn' wantcha ta hafta go through that again..."
"Yeah. Tha' weren't good... But... like I prob’bly said before too… I ain't sure if'n I coulda gotten here withou' passin' through there."
"Jus' wish ya coulda detoured around it somehows."
“Like one a yer famous short-cuts…? Hell… I prob’bly never woulda made it out alive…”
“Tha’ was one time a whole lotta years ago… ‘N you gotta admit... it looked a whole lot shorter on the map… ‘n I didn’ have no way a knowin’ tha’ road would wash out ‘n we’d end up runnin’ outta gas on accounta havin' ta turn back around…”
“Thought you were s’posed ta be psychic...”
“I ain’t psychic, dumbass…”
"So's... How ‘bout we stop rehashin’ all this stuff tha’ don’t matter no more anyways ‘n go see how tha’ there quilt looks on our bed… 'n maybe how you look under it..."
"Thought you weren't up fer another go 'round, old man...?"
"Where’d ya get that idea…?”
“Guess I must be hearin’ things…”
“‘N who you callin' old man, old man...?"
“I didn’ call you old man, old man… You mus’ be hearin’ things too…”
“C’mon, Hank… Last one up the stairs is an old man… ‘N don’t ferget tha’ quilt…”
“Shit... No fair… You got a head start ‘n I had ta grab the quilt…”
“All’s fair ‘n love ‘n war, old man…”
“So’s which one is this…?”
“L’il a both I think…”
“Love is a battlefield, huh...? ‘We are strong… no one could tell us we’re wrong… Searchin’ our hearts fer so long… both of us knowin’… Love is a battlefield’…”
“There any songs ya don’t know the words ta, dumbass…?”
“Plenty… 'specially them tha’ came out after ya moved in... ‘cause after ya did I didn’ have no reason ta spend so’s much time listenin’ ta the radio… 'n 'sides... ya always had it on them country stations anyways... Damn… think I mighta missed a whole lotta good music over the years… 'S all yer fault too...”
“Well ya sure as hell didn’ miss much bad music…”
"True 'nough... 'cause we sure as hell listened ta plenty a tha' woe is me... my woman's got fleas 'n my dog up 'n left me 'n the sheep won't even give me the time a day so's I might as well jus' drown m'self in a bucket a whiskey only my damn buckets got a hole in it so's I guess maybe I'll just hafta hit the road instead kinda crap..."
"You insultin' country music...?"
"Not all of it... Jus' most of it..."
"Ya know damn well them's fightin' words..."
“So’s… How 'bout we engage 'n a skirmish or two ‘n see who ends up on top...?”
“A skirmish, huh…?”
“Yep. Or two. Gotta warn ya though… ‘m gonna do my best ta outflank ya ‘n come at ya from the rear…”
“’Lessen I manage ta outmaneuver ya 'n beat ya to it…”
“Hit me with yer best shot… Why don’t you hit me with your best shot… Hit me with your best shot… Fire away…”
“Gonna hit ya with somethin' if'n ya don't stop singin'...”
"So's how come my snorin's music ta yer ears but my singin' ain't...?"
"'Cause if'n yer snorin' ya ain't singin'."
“Hold yer horses, Ed... I jus' wanna spread this here quilt on the bed... Jeez, Ed… Lookit tha’… It sure looks real nice on our bed, don’t it…?”
“Sure does."
"‘Course... instead a gettin' under tha quilt... maybe we should fold it up again... get it outta the line a fire 'n all...”
“Shit.... I completely fergot…”
“Wha’…? Hey… Where the hell are ya goin’…? You ain't retreatin'... are ya...?”
“I’ll be righ’ back, dumbass…”
A minute later…
“Where’d tha’ come from…?”
“Bill ‘n Betty… They gave us this here stand ta go with tha’ quilt… I left it on the porch ‘cause I couldn’ carry the quilt ‘n the stand in at the same time…”
“Jeez… Tha’s a real handsome one… But they didn’ gotta do tha’… Hell... Betty didn' charge us near enough fer makin' tha' quilt... no way should they be givin' us that on top a it...”
“Betty said it was on accounta Bill told her ‘bout us gettin’ them rings ‘n all but they wanted ta wait ta give it to us ‘til the quilt was done 'n I said thanks a lot but y’all didn’ need ta do tha’ ‘n Betty said congratulations on gettin’ them rings… ‘n it’s about time we did… ‘n she wished things were diff’rent fer us ‘n maybe they would be someday soon… 'n then she said she's sorry the quilt took so's long 'n I said there ain't no reason ta worry 'bout tha' 'cause we know how busy she's been 'n how much work goes inta makin' a big ol' quilt like tha' 'n we were jus' real glad tha' she could do it at all...”
“Tha’ sure was real nice a them...”
“‘N then Bill said gettin’ us the stand fer tha’ quilt was Betty’s idea ‘n if’n he’d had his way they woulda bought us a whole buncha booze ‘n some fancy glasses ta drink it outta or maybe some new tools but then he figured tha’ you wouldn’ get much use outta new tools seein’ as yer never hardly workin’ no more ‘n Betty had her heart set on gettin’ us the stand fer the quilt anyways so’s he helped pick it out ‘n she wanted a diff’rent one but he picked this one ‘cause it were plainer ‘n bigger than most of 'em ‘n he hoped we liked it ‘n I told him I thought it was real handsome ‘n I thought you’d like it jus’ fine too ‘n then I said tha’ they should come in ‘n I’d get yer lazy ass downstairs ‘n we could all have a drink or two ‘n I could barbecue some steaks later on if’n they wanted ta stay ta dinner ‘n Betty said they’d like to… especially if’n I was barbecuin’ ‘n not you ‘cause you always burn her steak… but they couldn’ stay ‘cause they were on their way somewheres ‘n they’d jus’ hafta take a raincheck even though it ain't hardly rained or snowed here in a month a Sundays… but like I said I jus’ think she wanted us ta see this here quilt alone ta gether fer the first time ...”
“I ain’t never burnt a steak in my life… No way Betty said tha'…”
“Maybe not in them ‘xact words… But I could tell she was thinkin’ it…”
“Hey… I seem ta recall us havin’ a bet on wha’ day Bill would fin’lly mention our rings…”
“Bill didn’ mention no rings. Betty did.”
“I’d say him ‘n Betty givin’ us a present on accounta them rings constitutes Bill mentionin’ ‘em...”
“I dunno ‘bout tha’… He mentioned ‘em ta Betty. Not ta us.”
“Tha’ don’t matter… Givin’ us a weddin’ present is as good as mentionin’ the damn rings ta us...”
“Never actually heard the word ‘ring’ come outta his mouth... 'n you weren't even there...”
“Dammit, Ed…”
“Jus’ kiddin’, Hank… So’s where’d we put them pieces a paper sayin’ who picked what date…?”
“Damned if I remember…”
“Me neither.”
“Coulda sworn I picked ta day though…”
“Yeah. Right.”
“Oh well… we’ll come across ‘em sooner or later… Now… How ‘bout I put some music on…? One particular song comes ta mind…"
"Lemme guess... somethin' about love bein' a battlefied..."
"Nope. Not even close... I think we got it on one a them best of cds… Iris keeps us real well-stocked… Yep… Here it is…”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAOOFk549fw
"Well… It ain’t Johnny… but I guess it’ll do…”
“Jus’ my way a lettin’ you know that I fin’lly got it through my thick skull… tha’ you’ll be lovin’ me whether… whether times are good or bad… happy or sad…”
“’Bout damn time ya did.”
“‘N me too you, Ed … Good or bad… happy or sad…"
"Irritatin' or annoyin'..."
"S'posed ta be opposites, dumbass..."
"How 'bout dirty 'n sweaty...? Them ain't really opposites neither... but I had m' self a real dirty 'n sweaty time of it ta day..."
“Love them dirty ‘n sweaty times best of all… Least-wise the ones not involvin' actually workin'...”
"What about wet 'n slippery...? 'Cause 'm thinkin' of jumpin' inta tha' shower 'fore we get all carried away here..."
“Wet 'n slippery's jus' fine with me too... Ya need help washin’ yer back, Ed…?”
“My back… My front… Hell… 'whatever you wanna do… is alrigh’ with me'…”
"Whatever I wanna do..? You real sure about tha'...?"
"Yep."
"Got me some real good ideas..."
"'N a few bad ones too I hope..."
"I'll see what I can come up with..."
"Know ya always give it yer best shot..."
"Yer damn right I do..."
Later...
And a while after that...
"Hey, Hank... You awake...?"
"Yep. Jus' woke up... Yawn... Damn... ya stormed my Bastille real good, Ed..."
"Yeah...? Well you tripped my trigger righ' good yer self..."
"Vive la revolution...! Vive l'amour...! Vive la difference...!"
"Jesus... Yer gonna scare them poor ol' dogs... Ya know yer crazy, dontcha...?"
"Oui."
"So's wha's the French word fer crazy...?"
"Crazee...?"
"Don't think tha's it..."
"Damned if I know then... Ya know how bad the schools are in this country..."
"N, Hank...?"
"Oui...?"
"I jus' wanted ta tell ya... tha' there ain’t no one better lookin’ than you… or better in the sack than you... so’s far as I know anyways... 'N yer ranchin’ ‘n drivin’ ‘n barbecuin’ abilities migh’ not be the best… but they ain’t half as bad as I make ‘em out ta be..."
"Gee, thanks a lot, dumbass..."
"Yer welcome. ’N I may not be the worshippin’ type… but ya know I'm more'n happy ta get down on my knees... or m' hands 'n knees... fer ya anytime..."
"Anytime...?"
"Okay... make that anytime when we ain't out 'n public 'n when my knees ain't hurtin' 'n when I ain't too wore out... 'n sometimes even when I am... too wore out that is..."
"Fair 'nough..."
"'N 'm real happy tha’ the ground yer walkin’ on is the same ground I’m walkin’ on... Gen'rally anyways... 'cause I don't think ya''ve set foot in the barn fer a quite a while now..."
“I set foot in the damn barn ev'ry damn day... Give or take a day or two here 'n there... Now... what about my giant dick ‘n my perfect ass…?”
“Well… I do gotta admit... ya are a perfect ass sometimes… ain’t no one would argue with tha’… ‘n as to yer dick… so’s far as I’m concerned… it’s definitely one a yer best features…”
"Ya know... yer a real smart ass sometimes..."
“I don't know whatcher talkin' about...”
“Love yer smart ass, dumbass…”
“'N I love yer perfect ass, dumbass…"
"Knew ya thought it was perfect."
"Well don't let it go ta yer not-quite-so's-perfect head..."
"Not-quite-so's-perfect, huh...?"
"Ya know... you not havin' blue eyes... 'n bein' crazy 'n all..."
"Hey, Ed...?"
"Yeah...?"
"I know ya ain't real comfortable with me sweet-talkin' ya real serious-like.... So's brace yer self... 'cause even though no words I can ever come up with seem ta be good enough... I gotta try 'n tell ya..."
"Ya don't gotta tell me nothin', Hank... I know how ya feel... 'N I know you know how I feel too..."
"Well... I wanna tell ya... 'N alls I can say is... yer the best, Ed... Yer the best lookin' 'n ya got the best ass 'n... hell... I admit it... yer even the best barbecuer... 'n the best at ev'rythin' else too... 'cept drivin'... I'm just as good a driver as you... Okay, okay... almost as good... I cain't see fer shit at night... But... I jus' wanna make sure ya know... tha' yer the best thing tha's ever happened ta me..."
"You ain't gonna start singin' again... Are ya...?"
"Don't worry... I ain't gonna start singin' again..."
"Think ya got most a tha' backwards, Hank... 'cept maybe fer the barbecuin' n the drivin'... 'N even though I know I ain't the best... I... uh... I sure am glad tha' you think I am..."
"You are the best, Ed... 'n I love ya... more'n I can ever manage ta say..."
"You keep talkin' like that 'n it might end up goin' ta my big ol' not-so's-perfect head..."
"I ain't real worried 'bout that happenin'..."
"'N you are too, Hank... yer the best thing that ever happened ta me too... 'n..."
"You ain't gonna start singin'... Are ya...?"
"Think maybe I would... If'n I knew the words... 'N... I... I hate ta think wha' my life woulda been like withou' ya..."
"Ya prob'bly woulda found some other fella with a perfect ass jus' like mine 'n with better barbecuin' abilities 'n blue eyes ta boot..."
"Ya know that ain't so..."
"I don't know no such thing. So's... Ya hungry, Ed...?"
"Always."
"How 'bout we go fix us some dinner...?"
"Sounds good ta me... Last one down the stairs is an even older man than the last one up the stairs..."
"No fair, dumbass... Yer closest ta the damn door..."
"OW! Dammit... I stubbed my damn toe... Shit...! That hurts like a sonofabitch..."
"Serves ya right, old man..."
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