I'm at my grandparents' place with my mother for about 10 days.

I couldn't take my 5 Kilo weights, nor my scale.

My grandparents' scale is 5 Kilo off.

And although I KNOW that, weighing myself and seeing 5 Kilo more is seriously doing my head in.

Today I had a protein bar - 170 cals, 2 granola bars - approx. 100cals each, wasabi peanuts - 100 cals and ( Read more... )

When I was younger, I wanted to BE and to DO something meaningful.

Now that I am grown up, all i want is to fade away into nothingness / the background / insignificance...

I want to walk unnoticed amongst people, to disappear.

Sometimes this overwhelming sense of failure when I eat is so strong I can't even think straight.

It makes the feeling of guilt ( Read more... )

If You Really Knew Me, You'd Know That...

I got this from something fishy and I thought I'd go through these statements and try to figure something out...
WHAT however I'm not sure of...

I will bold what I think applies to me, strike out what I don't think applies to me and leave normal what I'm not sure of.

• I desperately want to be ( Read more... )

I feel lonely in my own home.

Out of the blue, my ex girlfriend just messaged me on MSN.

(Today seems to be a fucking terrible day)

Her first message to me was

"I miss you"

Then she said she loves me, she thinks of me every day.

She told me she got clean now and that she's sorry.

To be polite, she asked me how I'm doing and I straight out bluntly told her how I'm doing (which is: ( Read more... )

We have a villiage festivall going on at the moment.

My mother decided it would be nice to go there for tea and whilst I was cleaning the kitchen and making jam with all the fresh fruit we had bought, she and my dad got ready ...

... and then they just left without me.

The wanna side in me thinking YES! Now at least I don't have to find an excuse for ( Read more... )

Just now, I went to my mother who is lying outside on the veranda, reading.

I stood there in my a bit too loose old skinny jeans and my slytherin jumper.

She looked at me and asked "Hey, have you lost evenmore weight? It's disgusting how thin you are! Go and put on some more layers!" (I said "No, I havn't" of course)

and "How do you do it?"

And ( Read more... )

I purged all day today.

5 times in total.
Twice in the morning, twice around noon, once in the evening.

I didn't keep anything in at all.

I can not tell you what the things I ate tasted like. I can't even remember what it was that I ate.

This morning  I made this lemonade - water, juice of lemon or lime, some maple syrup and chayenne pepper if you like ( Read more... )

So, today I went to the dentist to talk with a dentist surgeon about the very complicated and painful surgery I will have to have.

It involves getting a tooth out of somehwere in my upper jaw and placing an implant where my right fang tooth s supposed to be (said fang tooth is the one currently stuck in the middle of my gum. Yes, gross, I know)

I am ( Read more... )

I really think I need to write about some things regarding my eating disorder...

But I don't even know where to start.

I cancelled my first appointment with my new therapist for whom I've been waiting overall over 15 fucking weeks.
Since February actually.

I know that over the past couple of weeks I've gotten so much worse, since December I've more or ( Read more... )