Comments | nekolalia: I don't even know what I need.

nekolalia

I don't even know what I need.

May 14, 2009 10:23

I thought I was getting better, but I'm back where I was at age 15, starting the day with more tears than I thought I could possibly cry. I have no sense of direction, nothing I look forward to. Life is empty and painful and I want it to be over. I don't care if that sounds melodramatic, it's true. I don't know how to go on. I hate the thought of ( Read more... )

Comments 15

ohherotomania May 14 2009, 03:19:36 UTC

oh my god... honestly, i said nearly the exact same thing to my mother two days ago. that is incredible.

nekolalia May 14 2009, 03:33:28 UTC

I guess we're never completely alone, even when we feel like we are! Mind if I add you?

ohherotomania May 14 2009, 03:41:08 UTC

not at all. go for it.

aubergine_pilot May 14 2009, 03:35:58 UTC

Please don't kill yourself.

I don't know what to suggest other than that and just hunkering down to weather the storm...

nekolalia May 14 2009, 03:53:31 UTC

Don't worry, I'm not going to, it's just a bit scary when I start thinking about it at all. Thought I'd left all that behind. Better than suicide: chicken soup, so I'm trying that for now :)

aubergine_pilot May 14 2009, 16:27:01 UTC

I hear you. Relapsing is pretty much terrifying. But I'm very glad to know you're not going to let it sink its claws in!

...and damn it, had I icon skills, I'd totally make you a text-only one with "Chicken Soup: Better Than Suicide" on it in a sort of old-west font. (As it ought to be on a T-Shirt, I swear, but I can't quite get one of those to you.)

nekolalia May 14 2009, 16:32:33 UTC

aww thanks for the thought! i'll have to give it a try myself one day, when i'm not half asleep and struggling to put a sentence together. The maths nerd in me is saying to write it as: chicken soup > suicide. but the maths nerd should shut up and stop turning everything into some sort of equation. :P

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pirate_rouge May 14 2009, 11:58:50 UTC

Wow. So much of this feels like exactly something I would be saying right now <3 Which..doesn't make feeling that way any easier, I know :(

Oh, and I saw you mentioned anti-depressants in your last post..do you know if they make you put on weight? I'm finally seriously considering them. Maybe you should start them again, if they're going to make you feel better?

Ha, strangely accurate result I got on a Facebook quiz:
Natalie took the Rorschach Test quiz and the result is Tormented
You live a semi-normal life on the outside, but on the inside you have problems. Most of your life will be a long and painful trip, but at some point you will find happiness, so hang in there.

Well, I found the last part comforting :) I think the only thing to do right now is try and fix any problems in your life that you DO have control over, and have faith that everything else WILL get better, in time. You deserve it

nekolalia May 14 2009, 12:43:32 UTC

Antidepressants affect everybody differently, but as far as I know, weight-gain isn't a usual side-effect. Talk to your doctor about it, they'll be able to tell you. If you're seeing a psychiatrist, they'd be the best person to talk to about meds because they have training in both medicine and psychiatry so they'll be able to work out what sort of antidepressant is best for you; they all differ slightly. I had to try three or so all at different dosages before I found one that was right for me. It's a difficult process but if you can sort out the imbalances in your brain chemistry, it makes it a lot easier to deal with things. Wow, I should listen to myself sometimes heh... :P

Best of luck with it!

pirate_rouge May 17 2009, 13:48:34 UTC

Ooh thank you! I don't have a psychiatrist, if I could afford one I'd most likely choose that over taking any medication to be honest..but I got the idea that they're really expensive? >< But yeah, thanks :)

nekolalia May 17 2009, 13:57:25 UTC

Psychiatrists are harder to get help from cheaply, but if you talk to your GP, there's a deal where you can get 12 free sessions with a psychologist per year. Not sure what the specifics of it are, but that's what I'm getting now, so I don't pay a cent for it. If you get the right drs, seeing a psychologist in conjunction with talking to a GP about meds can be just as good as seeing a psychiatrist.

And if you're thusly inclined, most psychologists are pretty obliging when if comes to recommending to your doctor that you should get a prescription for valium/xanax/etc :D

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