Doing a lot of reading, a modicum of fretting and a bit of internet shopping. I am still me, no matter what. Also a bit of trawling for trashy Eurohorror on youtube. Nope, I have changed little since I was 16 except now these vices are easier to pursue. I'm a bit bored a lot of the time recently and haven't felt up to much socially. I suppose that ( Read more... )

Two weeks into the new job, most of it spent battling a cold that really doesn't want to leave me alone. This may account for some of my bad and doom ridden feelings, feeling that swirl around me thickly on some days. I seem to do better later in the evening. I am neither a morning nor a night person, which seem to indicate I may not get much out ( Read more... )

Day 2 of new job about to start. I wish I was better at - everything, I suppose. I get alarming levels of fear up in any new situation. I try and concentrate but my mind floats some place else, some place empty. We'll see. It's far too soon to be thinking of how to escape. Things could even work out, I am just so tired and daunted I feel like I'm ( Read more... )

Limbo is a strange place. Just me and the unbaptised babies who also have nothing to do of an afternoon. I feel hazy most days, though I can go somewhere white hot and sharp in an instant, generally when I'd rather not. I do not like to show off my bones and rawness to anyone who fancies a sticky beak, but lately you look at me the wrong way and ( Read more... )

Today, a job interview I most likely botched, and a trip to the doctor that may prove somewhat productive. It's hard to imagine any solution to my difficulty other than death (I'm not trying to be dramatic, I just do have this fear of being a burdensome useless creature and I want those feelings swirling round my head that tell me I am absolutely ( Read more... )

Eh. Stuff. Things. You know. Life ( Read more... )

And a week later I have another person giving me trouble on Facebook and once again it's a friend of a friend. I don't need to be agreed with constantly, but I am not quite sure why someone who does not actually know me feels it's fine to take time out of her day to attack me for being ill and depressed. So she can bugger off, as can creepy and ( Read more... )

So I just blocked someone on facebook and it feels wonderful. After a good few weeks of being uncomfortable and wondering how to distance myself carefully, I now don't have to. I have a history of being taken advantage of by emotional vampires and obsessive people because I don't take heed of the signs. I never expect anyone to take that much of ( Read more... )

A bit further into this new job. Right now I feel like a bad actor in a rather boring play that is only creating tension for the cast. I don't feel real and I've been concocting escape plans. Tom is right, I need to be there, both feet, mind and heart before I can make a sensible decision on staying or going. But I feel tempted to run. I'm quite ( Read more... )

Eh. It doesn't really fit but I plan to hang in there awhile, give it a good shot yadda yadda. The money is great and that's part of the problem in a funny way. I've never had the image of myself with money, I can more easily picture myself poor to flat out homeless but to have money? Nuh. It's a trick. I am keeping an eye on other jobs because ( Read more... )