"Either God will come to my rescue, or I will remain dead inside. I have to believe. I just have to." No, you don't have to. Not in "God". If that's who you're waiting for, you'll be waiting a long time.
Why not try believing in yourself, instead? I believe in you.
I think you make a very good point in that I do need to believe in myself- I just have a different perspective. If I follow my own heart, it will continue to let me down. I think that if it comes down to me, I am simply insufficient (not incapable but insufficient). I believe in a higher structure of life- absolutes and all that shit. To be honest I've experienced something new and (I believe) divine through this experience. It is a surrender that is empowering and relieving, not suffocating.
I don't mean metaphorically, or with vague adjectives... "It feels like the whole of the world has enveloped me and swallowed me whole into its fiery depths!"
I mean, purely physically. Bring up the horrible experiences you are feeling, and describe their physical manifestations as specifically as you can. How you feel in your muscles. Your arms. Your legs. Your stomach. Your throat. Etc, etc.
You don't have to do this. It's just something I'd like you to do.
All of my limbs feel numb and distant, while my head feels like its made of lead. My stomach feels like its trying to eat my heart. My eyes are filled with kosher rock salt and my hands are sweaty but cold as ice. My lungs actually enjoy cigarettes because any form of dying just feels right. I feel like I can’t breathe; like I’m stuck under an automobile and the scenery hasn’t changed for weeks. I am rarely hungry, and typically nauseous after eating. I am dying for alcohol to flood my system with lies, but convinced that I must move on without its comfort. My blood pressure could wash graffiti off a brick wall. My heart pulses irregularly. I can’t stay warm at night- I have jackets and towels and blankets stacked on top of one another and I still wake up shaking. My back is in knots and my posture is permanently fucked. My brain is pushing at my skull. If my intestines were any less functional, I’d shit out of my mouth.
What would happen if you sat for five minutes and just paid attention to all of those feelings, without pushing them away. Just noting and observing how they move and change throughout your body?
(Note, this is all assuming you do not truly have a physical malady going on. If so, then head to the doctor.)
Comments 6
I have to believe.
I just have to."
No, you don't have to. Not in "God". If that's who you're waiting for, you'll be waiting a long time.
Why not try believing in yourself, instead? I believe in you.
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Can you explain how the pain feels?
I don't mean metaphorically, or with vague adjectives... "It feels like the whole of the world has enveloped me and swallowed me whole into its fiery depths!"
I mean, purely physically. Bring up the horrible experiences you are feeling, and describe their physical manifestations as specifically as you can. How you feel in your muscles. Your arms. Your legs. Your stomach. Your throat. Etc, etc.
You don't have to do this. It's just something I'd like you to do.
Reply
All of my limbs feel numb and distant, while my head feels like its made of lead. My stomach feels like its trying to eat my heart. My eyes are filled with kosher rock salt and my hands are sweaty but cold as ice. My lungs actually enjoy cigarettes because any form of dying just feels right. I feel like I can’t breathe; like I’m stuck under an automobile and the scenery hasn’t changed for weeks. I am rarely hungry, and typically nauseous after eating. I am dying for alcohol to flood my system with lies, but convinced that I must move on without its comfort. My blood pressure could wash graffiti off a brick wall. My heart pulses irregularly. I can’t stay warm at night- I have jackets and towels and blankets stacked on top of one another and I still wake up shaking. My back is in knots and my posture is permanently fucked. My brain is pushing at my skull. If my intestines were any less functional, I’d shit out of my mouth.
Other than that, I’m fine.
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(Note, this is all assuming you do not truly have a physical malady going on. If so, then head to the doctor.)
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