Can't talk about anything anymore

[nicked_metal]

Just under 6 years ago, my life was pretty damned close to empty, and there was this space called LiveJournal, where I could talk, and feel like a few people were listening. And I bound myself into the LJ community and it supported me through some really difficult times. I can remember what it was like in those days, but only just. Except for

Comments

[azahru]

Full of awesome :-)

[satyrlovesong]

I'm so happy for you.

[nicked_metal]

I miss you. I just never know what to say anymore.

[satyrlovesong]

Yeah, the whole cancer and pneumonia thing does kinda get in the way.

[nicked_metal]

Exactly. By the time I've finished beating myself up for being a crap friend, I have no energy left to do anything useful :(

[sanguinity]

You dreamed about being a corporate warrior? Really? That's kind of awesome. :-)

And the gratuitous LJ-cut gave me a giggle-fit.

[nicked_metal]

Yeah, I did. In Search of Excellence is a book that shaped my life, it's all about a rather romantic ideal of corporate management.

[sols_light]

Escaping from the trap of western dichotomies is one I've always admired your ability to do, but which I think you only practice on an instinctive level. Most things are not simply this or not this, yet that's how the world is presented to us in order to simplify it for common understanding. Things are as they are, but that state of being is in a fundamental state of flux, a change which will produce different understandings over time and it is okay to have many different understandings of things, it is most definitely useful as it is how we develop creativity and lateral thinking

[nicked_metal]

Escaping from the trap of western dichotomies is one I've always admired your ability to do, but which I think you only practice on an instinctive level.

I read that, and I think "Sixteen years of practice have paid off!" And then I remember how black and white my view of the world was. Except that it wasn't - I remember reading Arrival and Departure, by Koestler and thinking "Yes, this is the truth that the world has been hiding all this time!" And then I discovered that none of his other books had new themes, they were all elaborations on the concept that there are important things that cannot be observed under the rational mind.

How I have studied, how I have laboured, how I have struggled to come to terms with this truth. And now you tell me that I do it out of pure instinct. Finer flattery I have not been given, for if it is now pure instince (has been pure instinct in the years of our acquaintance?) then all that studying must have resulted in learning :)

[sols_light]

I think it is not the studying that has resulted in learning, but the adaptation of practice into instinct. You have become that which you sought and as such, it is now only remarkable for its unremarkability. I think I've been reading a bit too much Zen myself, given that last statement, but it's true. You have suffered and only when you admitted you were no longer suffering, but still acting the same way, did you absorb it and become who you are still becoming. I like being able to say this and know you'll understand exactly what I mean.

[nicked_metal]

I like being able to say this and know you'll understand exactly what I mean.

That is really cool, isn't it :)

And yes, the process of becoming the person that I'm becoming has definitely accelerated again, probably because I'm slowing down a little. The closer you are to the note that you want to play, the finer the tuning!

[dawnd]

Here. Reading. Glad to see you posting. Glad that you're too busy, and arguably, too happy, to be posting all that much. :^)

[nicked_metal]

I feel the same about your posts, although I haven't been finding time to say so :)