The Night The Moon Shines Bright (2-I/2)
Title: The Night The Moon Shines Bright
Author: nikenyk
Pairing: Inoobu
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Summary: "God, If you’re really right there, please tell me, even if you'd listen to my prayers, You'd only laugh, right?"
Inoo was brought to one of the vacant room in the hospital, which was only to himself. After speaking with the doctor just a moment ago, the manager talks for a while with Inoo and bid him goodbye. He told me that he need to tell the agency about this situation and need an emergency meeting about it. He also wanted to make sure that no media knows about this incident, because it can affect the the agency’s image, and also for Inoo’s popularity. The manager wanted to discuss about it with Inoo as soon as possible, but looking at Inoo’s condition, he doesn’t have the heart, he’s gonna discussed it while he have the agency’s word and later when Inoo’s already better.
As for me, I can’t believe what’s really happening. But it’s the truth, everything’s happening without me knowing anything about it til today. I wonder… whenever Inoo sings.. does he have to feel the pain in his throat? Is it always like that? Eventhough he loved to sing that much? I cringed imagining that.
I knocked on Inoo’s door before letting myself in. Inoo hasn’t sleep yet, he was still wide awake and reading some music score. Even in a time like this, he still wants to be in the music world. He heard the opening door and immediately looked at me. He noticed the expression I wear on my face, he smiled wryly.
“Already found out, eh?” He asked me. The same question he used when I first found out about him being Mikazuki.
I showed him my brittle smile to answer him. And I let out a long sigh. I took the seat beside his bed.
“Remember when you asked me why Mikazuki never wanted to show his face? I didn’t lie when I answer you that.. my answer is as honest and as sincere as I want people to truly enjoy my music. But.. there’s this other reason, the one that you just have know just a while ago. I’m not allowed to sing. I can’t have my face being seen by everyone that know about that fact. I can't let people to see Mikazuki’s face.” He looked me in the eye, deep into mine. He smiled the usual smile he always show everyone.
I know I always doubt his usual smile. I can never see any sincerity within his smile, like it was only used to cover his real feeling. I was reminded to Hikaru’s thought about Mikazuki. “I feel like Mikazuki is a really sad person. He has such a mysterious image.. and all his songs are sad. I always think.. the one who compose and sing songs like that… I feel like, Mikazuki is really lonely.”
Now I can only see the image of the restrained tears behind his usual smile, I can only see the hidden feeling he doesn’t want to show to anyone else. My heart feels like being clenched, imagining how much he struggled not to let anyone know about his pain, and his sadness.
Without any thinking, my hand was already stretched to his head, bringing him to my chest. I embraced him with all my might, with all of my heart.
“Yabu..?” the feeling of surprise was hinted in his voice.
My breath becomes heavy as the emotion took over my mind.
“You don’t need to bear all of it alone. You don’t need to fake it. You don’t need to always smile to me.” I whispered on his ear.
Inoo didn’t resist at all, instead, he let his body fall and relax on my chest. I couldn’t see his face, couldn’t see the expression he made. But somehow I know, with how his hand clenching the bed sheets so hard.
“You don’t need to suffer alone. Just.. share your pain to me…”
The clenched of his hand slowly lossen. He released his hand from the sheets and put it on my chest. He pushed me slowly, and I was forced to release my embrace on him. He put both of his hand on my cheeks, forcing me to look into him. He was smiling.. not his usual smile, but a painful one. At least.. he’s honest. The tears already gathered on his eyes, ready to fall. His breath becames heavy, his body trembling.
I used my hand to lock his face, and bringing it closer to mine. We let our foreheads meet with each other’s and I can see his eyes watching mine gently. I closed my eyes. I pulled his face even closer to mine and I press my lips onto his. I let my lips moved against him and surprisingly, he replied it. He poured all of his feeling into our kiss. He crushed my lips, then he kissed it gently, all over again. The feeling he had been hiding burst into his tears. The wall that he build all over his heart, he crumpled it himself. He moved his hand to my shoulder, and gripped them real hard. I may not know how much pain you feel. But at least.. you’re showing them with it.
I’m ready.. pour it all on me.
We pulled away once we need to catch some air, and then he crushed mine again. He kissed me desperately, his tears never stopped flowing. I used one of my hand to ruffled his hair gently, and one to soothe his back, since we don’t need to use our hand anymore to lock our face together. He was sobbing in the midst of the kiss, I pulled away. “It’s okay… I’m here… You’re not alone… Let me feel your pain..” I whispered to him. I pressed my lips again on him, as gentle as I could.
He opened his eyes and search for mine. Although the tears was still flowing, he flashed a warm smile, unlike the fake smile he always show everyone.
I pressed our forehead together again and closed our eyes.
“I’m sorry I didn’t know about it earlier.. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you face the harsh reality…”
“Just being with you right now is enough, Kou….” He whispered
“Kei.. I love you….”
“I love you too.. Kou…..”
We never expressed it with words before. But all the way we stares at each other, the way we touch each other, and the way we care about each other.. the way we don’t want to be separated from each other. I know.. it’s another form of expressing love. But, hearing it right from his mouth, giving it another sensation. I hugged him, and he hugged me back.
“I will always be here for you, I won’t ever let you alone. I will always right beside you, accompanying you in your hard times, pain times, happy times.. I will be there with you in your lives, beside you when you need to be treated, beside you when you do your surger..”
Inoo suddenly cut me. “Kou, I think you misunderstand something.”
“Eh?”
“I.. won’t do the surgery.”
“You’re not doing it?” I asked again.
“I won’t do it” He answered instantly, not even taking 1 second to think about it. I freeze in the sudden realization. I pulled away and looked at him with the wide eyes.
All the hope I had in me suddenly vanished.
“Why won’t you… do it?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“But then you will……..” I took both of his shoulder and almost shouted to him.
“I don’t mind.” My body feels so weak.. I grip his shoulders.. my face is down.
Once again, I locked his face with my hands. I look into his eyes. My eyes is pleading.
“I’m begging…..” my voice broke, he sighed in response.
“The doctor told me.. if I were to do it, I won’t be able to speak again. Let alone to sing.” He whispered. I didn’t know about it. Tanaka-sensei didn't tell me about it. The reality was too harsh for him. I cringed. “In this world that full of music… I don’t want to lose my own.” His warm smile never leave his lips. His words were so sincere that it breaks my heart.
“But I don’t want to lose you……..” I begged him. I’m already in verge of tears. He wiped the tears that already gathers in my eyes and pulled me again until our foreheads meet again.
“I don’t want to live, if not being able to sing anymore…. Even if I have to die, I want to die while singing.”
**
I stay overnight in the hospital, accompanying Inoo the whole night. He sleeps peacefully, like nothing ever happened. Inoo’s words still stings my heart. Since the beginning, he didn’t have any intention to do the surgery at all, and he doesn’t have any intention to recover. I’m scared. I don’t want to lose him. I dont think I’m strong enough.. watching him suffer. But what can I do? Inoo had decided about it since the first time. He’s too stubborn to be changed.
Inoo’s parents came in the morning, with worried face. I can see the trail of Inoo’s mother crying the whole night in her face. I introduced myself to Inoo’s parents and excuse myself. I went to the canteen to have my breakfast. I totally forget that I have class and work today, and decided just to skip them both.
When I finish my meal, I went back to Inoo’s room and decided to wait outside. But when I was right outside Inoo’s room, I was startled with the loud voice from inside. They were arguing things inside the room, and it was audible from my place.
“You have to stop being a singer!” Inoo’s mother ordered Inoo, almost shouting.
“I won’t stop!” Inoo answered sternly, as stubborn as he could.
“But it’s bad for you Kei.. and you need to do the surgery as soon as possible! Tanaka-sensei already told me everything.”
“I still won’t stop. And I won’t do the surgery, either!”
“Stop being stubborn for once! You have to do the surgery!” Inoo’s mother voice started to broke. She was shouting, but the tears interrupted that it comes out as a hiss. Even his own mother couldn’t make him change his mind. I really wanted him to do the surgery as well, I want him to stop suffering and being able to live freely. But..
“And losing my voice in the process? No, I won’t” Inoo shouted. As much as he feel hurt when speaking, I know.. the shouting hurts even more.
“But.. you.. will lose.. your life…” Inoo’s mother started to cry. She almost fall to the floor if only Inoo’s father wasn’t there to help her. He hug Inoo’s mother, trying to calm her.
“Please.. let me live the way I want it………” Inoo’s voice broke, I can feel him sobbing.
“But we don’t want to lose you…” Inoo’s mother begged. My heart is breaking apart, hearing her mother begging to her son like that.
“You won’t lose me. No one will ever lose me. I will live forever in my song. Please.. let me leave my voice inside people’s heart…”
There was a long pause after Inoo said that. No one opened his/her mouth to argue more. All I can hear is Inoo’s mother’s cry.
Inoo’s mother release herself from Inoo’s father’s hug. She walked to Inoo and hug him. “I love you too much I can’s bear it if I ever lose you….” She begged in tears.
Inoo hugged her back, resting his head on his mother’s shoulder. “As much as I love my voice, mom… Forgive me for being too egoist.. but please.. let me live the way I want, the one I’m proud of. Please.. let my voice lives.. inside everyone’s heart.” Her mother hugged him tighter, and the two of them cry as much as they want.
The argument ends the way it is. Inoo’s parents were forced to accept Inoo’s wish, and there’s nothing else they can do. There’s nothing else I can do. My body felt so numb realizing that there’s really no way anymore to change Inoo’s mind. If only miracle occurred…
Inoo’s parents gradually agree, but the set some conditions for Inoo. They wanted Tanaka-sensei to check up on him more often, and he have to ask Tanaka-sensei’s approval for his activities, whatever it is. On Inoo’s side, he has to take care of his health and not to overwork anything. And in return, Inoo is now allowed to sing in his house freely.
In the afternoon, Yamada-san, Inoo’s manager, came and brought some infos from the agency. Yamada-san greeted Inoo’s parent and apologized for what happened with Inoo without their consent. Yamada-san told them that Shichigatsu no Tsubasa will still being released as it was already scheduled, despite all the commotion. But after it being released and promoted, the agency will terminate Inoo’s contract because of some reasons. First, the agency don’t want to be labeled as a killer for exploitting someone’s gravely sick, they don’t want to be responsible if something bad were to happen. Second, Inoo forge his parents’ permission when they first contract him.
Inoo’s mother cut him and explained that Inoo’s parents already giving him permission to do his activities as a singer and fully support him. “Whatever happen to our son, it’s no one’s fault.” Inoo’s mother explained to manager on Inoo’s behalf.
But manager-san still refusing Inoo’s negotiation, as the agency don’t want to take any risk. Finally, Inoo voiced his own opinion.
“I deeply apologized for forging my parent’s permission and not being honest about my health. But, as for my mother and father, they already give me full consent for me being a singer, they gave me another chance, and I hope the agency will do the same. Moreover.. I’m quite in my peak of popularity, I guess it’s such a loss if I just disappear like the agency wanted.” Inoo explained. He did have some points, indeed. If, the agency were to terminate his contract, it will leave a bad rumour behind and can affect both Mikazuki’s image and the agency. “Thus, I want to propose this idea, I want to release one album, and after that I will resign myself. And right before I resign, I want to held my last live, you can sell my name and sell my last live as a farewell live or whatever, I’m sure it will sell a lot. And that will benefits you, too, right?”
Inoo was never as arrogant as this, but for his singing career, he doesn’t mind doing it. My heart clenched. Inoo really wants to continue singing, even if it costs him everything. He’s ready to throw everything just to keep singing.
Manager-san nodded in approval, he thought that it is possible. “But.. what if something were to happen between the time until your resignation?” The manager asked.
“I can assure you, nothing bad will happen in that range of time.”
“Okay, I’m gonne pass your words to my agency and gonna discussed it soon.”
“I’m waiting for the good news, Yamada-san.” After that, manager-san bid us goodbye and went back to the office.
Inoo is optimistic with the agency. He’s 100% sure that the agency will let him do it. He is also looked so lively and happy, as he was given the permission from his parents that he doesn’t need to sing in secret again.
After manager went back to the office, Inoo’s parents went home to arrange some things. It is finally just the two of us in the hospital. He hold my hands all the time, and won’t ever let our hands separated. He smiled warmly to me and told me much stories about his earlier time in the agency.
I’m doing my best to hide this mixed feeling. Because afterall.. I still don’t want to lose him.
When the sun goes down, Inoo told me to go back to my room and rest, since I still need to go to classes and works. At first I declined and want to stay with him, but he insisted, and I know how stubborn he could be.
All the way home, I keep thinking about it. What can I do.. to make Inoo change his mind. His parents even failed. Am I.. not a good reason enough to make keep on living? Is Inoo.. not afraid of… death…?
I don’t really understand the way he thinks. He chose his voice over his life.. he chose to leave us behind. I know how much Inoo cherished his voice and his music. But.. to think that he’s ready to sacrifice everything.. including his life… I don’t want it…
When I arrive at my room, Hikaru was sitting right in front of my door. His face as gloomy and worried. Being goofy and playful as he wants, his intuition is never wrong. This kind of event had occurred many times. Something bad happened with me, and Hikaru will be sensing about it and came to calm me. Just like right now.
“Hey.” He greeted.
“Hey.”
“What’s with the long face?” He joked. But his worried expression still visible on his face.
I didn’t answer him. My face is gloomy and lifeless. I know. Once I leave Inoo’s room, I just cannot keep on that façade anymore.
I opened my mouth, asking Hikaru the question in my mind.
“What do you choose, Hika? Live long enough but losing something important, or live a short, but a proud and sparkling life?”
Hikaru paused for a while, not answering it right away. His face still show me his worries, and he seems like still choosing the right words to answer mine.
“I choose.. to shine.” He answered.
And I know.
I know.. that trying to change Inoo’s mind is futile. Nothing else I can do.. beside supporting him.
**
In the next day, I told my office that I’ll be resigning, since my purpose to gather data for my final project is already done, and they told me that my contract will be finished in 2 weeks. With my tight schedule in weekdays, I don’t have any chance to meet Inoo, and Inoo didn’t mind at all since we’re still being able to exchange mails. After being confined in the hospital for several days, Inoo is finally allowed to go home, but I wasn’t there to help him. He mailed me his address and told me to go there once I have my free time.
In the weekend, I go straight to his house. I was welcomed by Inoo’s mother and she takes me to Inoo’s room. Inoo’s piano is already moved to Inoo’s room, which already turned into a music studio. Inoo’s family is so wealthy.
The truth is.. my mind is still jumbled. After hearing Hika’s answer.. which is the same answer as Inoo, I know.. I need to accept it. But.. accepting it is not as easy as you think. I love Inoo too much I don’t want to be separated with him. No, I can't imagine if I were to lose him. But.. if living with me.. is separating him from his dream.. I don’t want it. Although it’s hard, the only thing I can do for him right now is supporting him.
I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes. From now on, I have to keep on smiling. I musn’t show Inoo my gloomy side, I musn’t show him how much it hurts me.
I opened his door and Inoo was playing the piano cheerfully.
“Yabu!” He called me.
“Hey, how’s your body?” I walked inside and sit on Inoo’s bed, right behind his piano.
“I’m in my best condition.” He flashed his smile. “Yamada-san already informed me the agency’s decision. He told me that I am allowed to release the album, and I am given several months to prepare for it. They planned to release it in early winter so I have it until autumn to prepare for it, not to forget I still have Shichigatsu no Tsubasa to be focused with.”
“When will it be recorded?”
“Next week as scheduled. And after that, I have to promote it. He told me that I won’t have the free time to start my new album, so I just need to focus on that single first. And after that, I have months to prepare.”
“So after it’s released, you will be absent from the entertainment world?”
“No. I’m scheduled to do some lives, though the schedule is not tight. So I have time for my album”
“You still do the lives? Are you sure you’re not overworking your body?”
“Not at all. I know my limit, and that.. won’t be enough to take me down. The schedule is not that tight, after all. I still have the time to meet Tanaka-sensei and get some medicine.”
I stood up and hold both Inoo’s shoulders from behind. He looked up to see my face.
“Just promise me you’ll take care of yourself and tell me immediately if you feel hurt.”
“Yeah..” He nodded.
“So.. about this new album, do you have something in mind?”
“Ah.. honestly.. I already have 1 song for it, but it’s still too short. Wanna hear?” And in the next second, his fingers already danced on the piano keys.
Even if we’ve lost everything
Bond is the only thing that nobody could destroy
With a simple thing like that, tears would change into smile
I'm not alone anymore
because I have you all by my side...
“I will name it Kizuna.. I got the idea of this song.. when I was thinking of you.” He told me after finishing his song. He placed my hand on mine and grips it firmly.
I was really lost for words. I was really touched by the song I almost shed some tears. ‘Even if we’ve lost everything, Bond is the only thing that nobody could destroy’. It’s like you’re saying to me, even if we’re to be separated.. our bond will still be right there. Our love will still be right here.. connecting us.
I bend my body until my face is in the same height with his face and lean closer to him, and placed my lips onto his. And we shared the sweet kiss for a while.
**
When another week starts, Inoo is busy with recording and another promoting activities for his new single. To balance Inoo’s activity, Tanaka-sensei giving him more attention and treat him more than usual. Tho it won’t heal him, it could at least giving Inoo some strength. Even so, Inoo’s body is weaken per day, and we could see Inoo being so exhausted, although not to the point of collapsing.
The audiences reception of Shichigatsu no Tsubasa’s is good. The sale is increasing as well as Mikazuki’s popularity. Mikazuki is requested to show up on some program, but the agency have to decline the offer since they already scheduled Inoo for some lives and also need Inoo to focus on his upcoming album. But the biggest reason is, because Inoo’s body won’t be able to take it all.
After the promoting activities of Shichigatsu no Tsubasa is finished, now Inoo’s main job is to prepare his album. Inoo had discussed it several times with the agency, as for concept, song and all. Inoo wanted to compose all the songs by himself, so the agency offered to do the rest.
Along with that, Inoo’s live tour is started. But, as promised, the schedule is not tight that it gives him more time to compose. As for me, my class is already over, and I’ve resigned from my job. So the only thing I have to do right now is finishing my final project, and also, taking care of Inoo on Inoo’s parents and the doctor behalf.
He was once asked me to take him to Blanc et Noir’s event in his leisure time. Inoo grew a liking of Blanc et Noir and told me that they have the potential to grow big in music industries. At the same time, Hikaru contacted me to come to see his live. So I told him that I’ll be coming with Inoo.
Hikaru took us to the backstage as soon as we arrived there. Inoo was happy to see Hikaru and already joked to each other. Inoo is friendly and easy to talk to that he’s already close with everyone. They exchange their contact, and Inoo shamelessly asking for free ticket to Blanc et Noir’s live. While, Inoo is the one who should giving them his lives ticket for free. He’s Mikazuki, afterall!
“Nee, Inoo-chan. Today we’re gonna play Yabu’s songs again.” I heard Hikaru telling Inoo.
“Ah sou? What’s the title?”
“Sleepless Night and Even Heaven. I’ll give you the cue from stage, okay.”
I heard them talking behind my back about the song I composed while I was away from them. They never talked about it in front of me, and I heard Inoo is putting an interest on the topic from the way he speaks to Hika. They always talk about it without me knowing.. like they don’t want me to know about it.
**
The next day afer watching Blanc et Noir’s live, Inoo is back with his composing songs activities. When I entered his room, he didn’t notice my appearance as he was too immersed with his work. There’s this time when he ask my advice for his songs, but there’s also times when nothing else matters beside his own composing songs world.
I didn’t want to bother him at all, so I took my guitar to the porch of Inoo’s room. I sit on the bench there and started strumming my guitar. I played all the songs I know and made, including the one being played by Blanc et Noir’s last night.
Last night, when Blanc et Nois is playing the song I write, Inoo was quiet, and his expression is unreadable. Inoo is really hard to read in times like this.
Suddenly the door to the porch was opened. Inoo was there and joined me on the bench. I stopped playing and put the guitar right beside me. Inoo’s expression is unreadable. He leaned to me and rest his head on my shoulder. He was troubled. I circled my hand at his back and ruffled his hair. Wondering what’s been troubling him. Is it his his composing activity?
“You.. don’t want to write any songs for me?” He whispered. I stopped my ruffling on his hair. I didn’t expect this kind of question. I’m quite aware that he knows about me composing songs for Blanc et Noir from Hikaru. But since he never talk about it, I thought he was keeping it to himself.
Inoo twitched his head until our eyes meet. His eyes are pleading. “I want.. to be able to sing your song.”
So.. this is why he was quiet and stunned last night. I bit my lips. As much as I want to…
“I.. cannot write anymore, Kei.” I told him sorrowfully.
“Why? I think… you’re good at it.”
But you don’t know anything at all Kei… I’m just.. I just don’t want to feel that way again.
“But I can’t..” I told him again. His eyes still pleading. I know Inoo was too stubborn that he didn’t want to give up at all. And I also think.. that maybe Inoo has a right to know about it. Inoo used to close his heart, but now he’s trying to be honest with everything to me. Maybe.. this time, it’s me that need to open up to him.
“I… was once joined a competition..” I explained. “Do you remember when I first know about you being Mikazuki and I was mad because you sing your new song, the one that hasn’t been released in front of me, a stranger you barely know?” Inoo nodded. “That time… the song I wrote.. it was stolen.”
Inoo’s eyes widen.
“That’s why I was so mad at you, but you didn’t even think about it at all. Okay, back to the story. He won the competition using my song. And later he acused me stealing his idea for the song, although it was mine to begin with! And.. people detest me for it…..”
Inoo’s expression changed. He was first pleading to me, but now his expression is sad, like he was pitying me. But I don’t want to be pitied. His expression changed again like he was hurting… in my place. He moved his hand to my cheek and caressed it caringly.
“After that.. everytime I write a new song, I was reminded to that incident. Hatred filled me. And when I realize… I cannot write anymore. I started to hate music, I don’t want to know about music anymore. The only music I listen is Blanc et Noir, and that’s because I want to respect and appreciate theirs. Hikaru and the rest of Blanc et Noir’s members tried to persuade me to play music again.. But I… just can’t…” I trailed.
“The first time I play the guitar for you.. it costed me everything. I don’t want to play music ever again, but.. your voice seems like hypnotizing me. I have never really into someone’s voice before this. And for once in my life.. I feel like I want to play for someone’s sake, not for mine. And when I try to play the guitar while thinking of you… I’ve forgotten about my hatred.
“But… as for writing again… I don’t think… I’m confident enough to do it. I’m not even ready to do it. And.. I don’t know if I still feel hatred toward it… I’m sorry…”
Inoo circled his hand around my neck. He hugged me tightly, tenderly, like he was telling me to share my pain to him.
“It’s okay…” he whispered as he patted my back. “It takes time to heal a wound, moreover a really deep one.” He told me. “But I am glad.. that I can take you back to the world of music again. I’m glad I can make you play again. I’m glad.. my voice reaches you.
“I used hate God for everything that happened in my life. But after I take a closer look at my life, He gave me more in return. So.. I was convinced that everything happened for a reason. And I’m sure, your misfortune leads you somewhere better. And maybe.. our meeting occured as a part of it.
“I hope.. me being with you here.. can help you through your hatred. And I hope.. someday… you can write again.. without feeling that hatred. Because hatred is not fitting for your beautiful song.”
After hearing it all, I hugged him back. I brough him even closer to me and whispered on his ear. “Thank you..”
Although just a mere thank you won’t be enough to expressed how grateful and touched I really feel because of him.
I really wish.. I can write one for you.
**
The deadline for Inoo’s album is approaching. I can see Inoo feels so pressured and being tired of it. Tanaka-sensei gives his full attention to Inoo, but the burden and the pressure Inoo feels had affected his body more than Tanaka-sensei thought, physically and mentally. Inoo tried his best not to let his body drop, but we can see.. his sickness eats him out day by day.
In his recent live, his voice is huskier and the audience noticed about it and making uproar about it. He also almost collapsed in the middle of the live. But the staff handled it so well that the audience didn’t notice at all.
Inoo was mad at himself, and always, to his sickness, for letting it happened. Since that day, Inoo’s mood is bad, and has been unapproachable.
One day, I got a call from Inoo’s mother, She told me ‘Please help Kei’. With that words, I forgot whatever I was doing that time and sprinted towards Inoo’s house.
When I reach Inoo’s house, I was welcomed by Inoo’s mother cry, and I almost lost my mind. Inoo’s mother told me what happened. Inoo was coughing painfully and blood was spilled. Inoo’s mother tried to soothe him and wanted to take him to the hospital, and call the doctor. But it was stopped by Inoo and he got mad at her. He told his mother to get out of his room and not to bother him at all. And after that.. Inoo’s been playing piano and sings like a mad man.
His mental is breaking.
I dashed to Inoo’s room. When I opened his door, he was playing piano, fiercely, and I can see his anger and sadness from the way he play. Blood was everywhere. On his mouth, his shirt, his hand.. and also his piano. He sings emotionally, almost screaming.
Where are you? Are you there? Are you here?
God, if you’re really right there
What are you looking?
What are you thinking?
Please tell me, even if you'd listen to my prayers
You'd only laugh, right?
He sings.
His tears are flowing, falling right onto his drying blood on the piano. I almost fall on my knees seing him like that.
His song is the feeling he’s been hiding away. Can a broken heart, break even more? Because seeing him like that, I feel like my already broken heart is shredded into pieces and piercing my flesh.
With the tears ready to fall, I hug him from behind, and forcingly pulled him away from his piano, stopping him halfway the song. He rebelled against me, he doesn’t want to be stopped from his play. He screamed as loud as he can, athough it was hurting his throat.
I pulled him harder until we both fall on the floor. He landed on top of me. I keep on embracing him so he won’t go back to his piano and continued that insane play. He cried louder.
“Why me?!” He screamed.
“Why should I?! Why should it be me that having this kind of sickness?! Why Yabu, why?!”
He keeps on screaming and crying, until he was suffocating. And I keep on embracing him, my tears are already flowing. His body shaking as he sobs and coughs. I caressed his back, trying to calm him.
The most hurting from this scene is.. I cannot do anything to lessen his pain.
“I don’t want to die…” He sobs. “But………. I don’t want to lose my voice”
**
The farewell concert is approaching. The announcement of Mikazuki’s album, and followed by the information about Mikazuki retiring from the music industry caused an uproar within the fans and others. They are wondering the reason Mikazuki is retiring from the industry, although he was in his peak. And as planned, his album sales skyrocketed, becoming the most sales in Mikazuki’s discography. Along with it, the concert ticket is already sold out in hours since the first time the sale is open. Mikazuki is not too long in the music industry, but he could make such an uproar like this.. so people really loves his voice, I guess.
Closer to the big day, Inoo’s health is declining. The frequency of him coughing blood and collapsing is increased. His voice is also losing its charm day by day, as it is becoming huskier. Tanaka-sensei has given him the extra care, and Inoo already undergo such treatment, but still, it doesn’t make Inoo better. And after several examination… Tanaka-sensei told me and Inoo’s parents that Inoo doesn’t have much time left.
My world is crumbling when I hear that. What is it? What do you mean he doesn’t have much time left? How much is this much? I feel like there’s a clock.. counting down the remaining time I have with Inoo. I feel like breaking apart. I don’t want it. I don’t want Inoo to die…
Even so.. I need to be cheerful in front of Inoo. I don’t want to add more worries to him. I just want to see him happy… in his remaining time.
My feet felt so heavy. All of it had become such pressure to me, to my body, and to my mind. The blowing wind in the winter felt like freezing my whole body right now. I forced myself to keep on walking to Inoo’s house, passing the park along the way. It’s already 1 year.. since our first meet.
I went to the park and sit on my usual place, and reminiscing the past. I really want to turn back time, and spend much time with Inoo here. I want us to go back to our happy time… but I know.. it’s just some wish that will never be granted. Before I torture myself more than this, I stood up again, and continue walking to Inoo’s house.
Inoo’s big day is near, and he’s busy enough with the preparation and his medical treatment. But he really want me to take him somewhere today. After picking him up, he told me that he wanted to go to Blanc et Noir’s event. I told Hikaru immediately that we’re coming.
All the way to the venue, Inoo looks so happy and cheerful. He’s so talkative, blabbering stories he knows and saying all the random things comes up to his mind. Although.. his cheerfulness cannot cover his paleness. And I’m sure, Hika could notice it all.
We arrived there and Hikaru instantly took us to the backstage. The rest of the member are there, greeting us. The gave us our seats and some snacks. Their turn is still 1 hour later, so we have some times to spend.
Hikaru open up the topic. “Where have you two been? I’ve never seen Yabu for a long time although we’re in the same campus.” He said as he slapped my back. I will play along. I won’t let anyone see the gloomy side of me.
“Oy!” I shouted. “Just be grateful that we’re coming today! If it’s not us, who will watch your live?” And everyone laughed.
“This cheeky bastard!” Yuya cursed as he laughed.
“What about you, Inoo-chan? You’re not slacking off like Yabu, right?” Hikaru asked.
“I always come to my class on time, and never miss it even once.” Inoo smiled. He’s such a liar, playing as a good student. But he was so natural, that everyone seems to believe it.
“Ah good, don’t be like Yabu.” Hikaru patted Inoo’s head.
“What are you, Inoo-chan’s father?” Yuya joked to Hika. Yuto laughed hysterically, while Keito tried to hold his laugh, but fail. And being in the place like this, at least.. makes me forget my worries for a while. I guess, Inoo feels that way too.
“Anyway, Yabu. You’re a die-hard fan of Mikazuki, right? Did you get the ticket?” Hikaru asked me, but Yuto cut him.
“Eeh? Yabu-chan is Mikazuki’s die-hard fan? I can’t believe it.” Yuto said.
“You can’t believe it? Bleh. You should have seen Yabu’s face when he heard Mikazuki for the first time. It’s like someone who hasn’t eaten for days and finally got some exquisite food on his hand! He ran to the music stores and bought Mikazuki’s cds, but he didn’t have money so he just bought 2. Pft.” Hikaru told them and laughed loudly.
Inoo is aware of me being one of his fan and really loving his voice. But to see Hikaru told such exaggerating story to Mikazuki himself right in front my face……….. My face is burning of shame. I could see from the corner of my eyes that Inoo’s body is shaking, holding his laugh.
“You’re exaggerating it!” I shouted to Hika. “well at least, I can watch Mikazuki’s concert.” I bragged smugly.
“Eh? How can you get it? It’s sold out within hours right?” Yuya was amazed. “Hikaru wants the ticket but he didn’t get it.”
“I’m his fans even before debuting, afterall. I want to at least watch him live once… moreover.. he’s retiring.. and we can’t hear his voice anymore after it.” Hika said, sulking.
Inoo and I fall silent. This kind of topic is a bit sensitive to us. No one noticed about our silence.. except 1 person. Hikaru flicked his eyes to me, tried to read our face. I could see for a second he felt guilty because he didn’t know that kind of topic is sensitive for us. Although he is caring and observant, he sometimes says things without thinking.
“Ah.. I almost forgot my purpose tonight.” Inoo opened his mouth. He then took something from his bag and put it on the table. “I just want to give it to you.” Inoo smiled.
On the table, there were 4 vip tickets for Mikazuki’s concert. The four of them looked at it, puzzled.
“EH?!” the four of them squealed.
“How can you have these four tickets?” Yuya asked.
“Ah.. 1 more.” Inoo took something from his bag again, and then he handed it to me.
“Don’t watch me from backstage. I want you to see me from the best seat possible.” Inoo said to me, leaving me bewildered. I feel like my throat is locked. All of sudden.. like this..
All of the Blanc et Noir’s member watched us confusedly. Inoo turned his body to them again and said. “I will be happy.. if all of you are there as well”
Suddenly, Inoo’s phone rings. He took it and went outside.
“So…. All these time… we’re hanging out with Mikazuki….” Yuya trailed, still dumbfounded.
“Wow..” Keito said.
“So… Yabu-chan likes Inoo-chan because he’s Mikazuki?” Yuto asked.
“No, not like that. Inoo was singing in the first time we meet, and I fell in love with his voice right there. That time, I didn’t know about Mikazuki at all. It’s more of.. I like Mikazuki, because I know he’s Inoo.” I explained.
After that, Hikaru told the rest to start preparing on stage. But he remains in the backstage, with me.
“You won’t be comfortable to talk about it if others are around..” Hikaru explained. “I just want.. to confirm some things to you.” Hikaru’s expression now turned into a serious one. I prepare myself for whatever serious talk he want to dicuss. “You know why Inoo is retiring, right?” He asked.
As I thought.
“Yeah.”
“Is there any connection to you being so gloomy and overwork yourself?”
As I thought.. he could really see into me. I just smiled brittly to him.
“One more… I still remember your question when I wait for you in front of your door. Is it.. also connected.. to Inoo-chan being so pale, and his husky voice?”
I nodded weakly. Hika’s intuition is too sharp. I didn’t think that he could read it this far though. I looked down weakly. Hikaru sighed.
“Yabu. I think I need to tell you about it.”
“What is it..?”
“Inoo told me not to tell you about it. But I think you have the right to know. Because.. you have to know… how much he cares for you.” I looked up instantly.
“Okay, what is it?” I asked him eagerly.
“You know, I’ve been mailing with Inoo. We were once meeting at the coffee shop, because he asked me to let him hear all the songs you wrote for Blanc et Noir. Long story short, I show him all. And he said… ‘I want Yabu to always write beautiful songs like this…’ and he told me…. that I have to take care of you, and to make you write again…” Hikaru explained.
At first, I was lost for words. It was like.. he is preparing.. to fly… away from us.
I shut my eyes. I tried my best not to burst out my feeling which I had been holding.
“He.. wants me to write a song for him…” I whispered, trying my hardest not to let my voice broke.
“Then you should.. grant him that wish….” Hikaru replied.
At this point.. I’m sure.. Hikaru had understand it all, although I don’t tell him in detail. I really want to burst it all to Hikaru. I really want to tell him what happened. I want to share it to someone.. But, If I were to tell the story, I know.. I will break. And I don’t know.. if I can be strong again.
Hikaru patted my shoulder. “Whatever happens, you can overcome it all.” He told me.
All these time, I always maintain this strong façade. I try to force myself not to think further, not to think whats gonna happen, and just accept.. it all. Feeling sentimental is the least thing I want to do. I just don’t want to slip even one second, because im afraid I cannot go back to being cheerful again in front of inoo.
**continue to Part 2-II**
Author: nikenyk
Pairing: Inoobu
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Summary: "God, If you’re really right there, please tell me, even if you'd listen to my prayers, You'd only laugh, right?"
Inoo was brought to one of the vacant room in the hospital, which was only to himself. After speaking with the doctor just a moment ago, the manager talks for a while with Inoo and bid him goodbye. He told me that he need to tell the agency about this situation and need an emergency meeting about it. He also wanted to make sure that no media knows about this incident, because it can affect the the agency’s image, and also for Inoo’s popularity. The manager wanted to discuss about it with Inoo as soon as possible, but looking at Inoo’s condition, he doesn’t have the heart, he’s gonna discussed it while he have the agency’s word and later when Inoo’s already better.
As for me, I can’t believe what’s really happening. But it’s the truth, everything’s happening without me knowing anything about it til today. I wonder… whenever Inoo sings.. does he have to feel the pain in his throat? Is it always like that? Eventhough he loved to sing that much? I cringed imagining that.
I knocked on Inoo’s door before letting myself in. Inoo hasn’t sleep yet, he was still wide awake and reading some music score. Even in a time like this, he still wants to be in the music world. He heard the opening door and immediately looked at me. He noticed the expression I wear on my face, he smiled wryly.
“Already found out, eh?” He asked me. The same question he used when I first found out about him being Mikazuki.
I showed him my brittle smile to answer him. And I let out a long sigh. I took the seat beside his bed.
“Remember when you asked me why Mikazuki never wanted to show his face? I didn’t lie when I answer you that.. my answer is as honest and as sincere as I want people to truly enjoy my music. But.. there’s this other reason, the one that you just have know just a while ago. I’m not allowed to sing. I can’t have my face being seen by everyone that know about that fact. I can't let people to see Mikazuki’s face.” He looked me in the eye, deep into mine. He smiled the usual smile he always show everyone.
I know I always doubt his usual smile. I can never see any sincerity within his smile, like it was only used to cover his real feeling. I was reminded to Hikaru’s thought about Mikazuki. “I feel like Mikazuki is a really sad person. He has such a mysterious image.. and all his songs are sad. I always think.. the one who compose and sing songs like that… I feel like, Mikazuki is really lonely.”
Now I can only see the image of the restrained tears behind his usual smile, I can only see the hidden feeling he doesn’t want to show to anyone else. My heart feels like being clenched, imagining how much he struggled not to let anyone know about his pain, and his sadness.
Without any thinking, my hand was already stretched to his head, bringing him to my chest. I embraced him with all my might, with all of my heart.
“Yabu..?” the feeling of surprise was hinted in his voice.
My breath becomes heavy as the emotion took over my mind.
“You don’t need to bear all of it alone. You don’t need to fake it. You don’t need to always smile to me.” I whispered on his ear.
Inoo didn’t resist at all, instead, he let his body fall and relax on my chest. I couldn’t see his face, couldn’t see the expression he made. But somehow I know, with how his hand clenching the bed sheets so hard.
“You don’t need to suffer alone. Just.. share your pain to me…”
The clenched of his hand slowly lossen. He released his hand from the sheets and put it on my chest. He pushed me slowly, and I was forced to release my embrace on him. He put both of his hand on my cheeks, forcing me to look into him. He was smiling.. not his usual smile, but a painful one. At least.. he’s honest. The tears already gathered on his eyes, ready to fall. His breath becames heavy, his body trembling.
I used my hand to lock his face, and bringing it closer to mine. We let our foreheads meet with each other’s and I can see his eyes watching mine gently. I closed my eyes. I pulled his face even closer to mine and I press my lips onto his. I let my lips moved against him and surprisingly, he replied it. He poured all of his feeling into our kiss. He crushed my lips, then he kissed it gently, all over again. The feeling he had been hiding burst into his tears. The wall that he build all over his heart, he crumpled it himself. He moved his hand to my shoulder, and gripped them real hard. I may not know how much pain you feel. But at least.. you’re showing them with it.
I’m ready.. pour it all on me.
We pulled away once we need to catch some air, and then he crushed mine again. He kissed me desperately, his tears never stopped flowing. I used one of my hand to ruffled his hair gently, and one to soothe his back, since we don’t need to use our hand anymore to lock our face together. He was sobbing in the midst of the kiss, I pulled away. “It’s okay… I’m here… You’re not alone… Let me feel your pain..” I whispered to him. I pressed my lips again on him, as gentle as I could.
He opened his eyes and search for mine. Although the tears was still flowing, he flashed a warm smile, unlike the fake smile he always show everyone.
I pressed our forehead together again and closed our eyes.
“I’m sorry I didn’t know about it earlier.. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you face the harsh reality…”
“Just being with you right now is enough, Kou….” He whispered
“Kei.. I love you….”
“I love you too.. Kou…..”
We never expressed it with words before. But all the way we stares at each other, the way we touch each other, and the way we care about each other.. the way we don’t want to be separated from each other. I know.. it’s another form of expressing love. But, hearing it right from his mouth, giving it another sensation. I hugged him, and he hugged me back.
“I will always be here for you, I won’t ever let you alone. I will always right beside you, accompanying you in your hard times, pain times, happy times.. I will be there with you in your lives, beside you when you need to be treated, beside you when you do your surger..”
Inoo suddenly cut me. “Kou, I think you misunderstand something.”
“Eh?”
“I.. won’t do the surgery.”
“You’re not doing it?” I asked again.
“I won’t do it” He answered instantly, not even taking 1 second to think about it. I freeze in the sudden realization. I pulled away and looked at him with the wide eyes.
All the hope I had in me suddenly vanished.
“Why won’t you… do it?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“But then you will……..” I took both of his shoulder and almost shouted to him.
“I don’t mind.” My body feels so weak.. I grip his shoulders.. my face is down.
Once again, I locked his face with my hands. I look into his eyes. My eyes is pleading.
“I’m begging…..” my voice broke, he sighed in response.
“The doctor told me.. if I were to do it, I won’t be able to speak again. Let alone to sing.” He whispered. I didn’t know about it. Tanaka-sensei didn't tell me about it. The reality was too harsh for him. I cringed. “In this world that full of music… I don’t want to lose my own.” His warm smile never leave his lips. His words were so sincere that it breaks my heart.
“But I don’t want to lose you……..” I begged him. I’m already in verge of tears. He wiped the tears that already gathers in my eyes and pulled me again until our foreheads meet again.
“I don’t want to live, if not being able to sing anymore…. Even if I have to die, I want to die while singing.”
**
I stay overnight in the hospital, accompanying Inoo the whole night. He sleeps peacefully, like nothing ever happened. Inoo’s words still stings my heart. Since the beginning, he didn’t have any intention to do the surgery at all, and he doesn’t have any intention to recover. I’m scared. I don’t want to lose him. I dont think I’m strong enough.. watching him suffer. But what can I do? Inoo had decided about it since the first time. He’s too stubborn to be changed.
Inoo’s parents came in the morning, with worried face. I can see the trail of Inoo’s mother crying the whole night in her face. I introduced myself to Inoo’s parents and excuse myself. I went to the canteen to have my breakfast. I totally forget that I have class and work today, and decided just to skip them both.
When I finish my meal, I went back to Inoo’s room and decided to wait outside. But when I was right outside Inoo’s room, I was startled with the loud voice from inside. They were arguing things inside the room, and it was audible from my place.
“You have to stop being a singer!” Inoo’s mother ordered Inoo, almost shouting.
“I won’t stop!” Inoo answered sternly, as stubborn as he could.
“But it’s bad for you Kei.. and you need to do the surgery as soon as possible! Tanaka-sensei already told me everything.”
“I still won’t stop. And I won’t do the surgery, either!”
“Stop being stubborn for once! You have to do the surgery!” Inoo’s mother voice started to broke. She was shouting, but the tears interrupted that it comes out as a hiss. Even his own mother couldn’t make him change his mind. I really wanted him to do the surgery as well, I want him to stop suffering and being able to live freely. But..
“And losing my voice in the process? No, I won’t” Inoo shouted. As much as he feel hurt when speaking, I know.. the shouting hurts even more.
“But.. you.. will lose.. your life…” Inoo’s mother started to cry. She almost fall to the floor if only Inoo’s father wasn’t there to help her. He hug Inoo’s mother, trying to calm her.
“Please.. let me live the way I want it………” Inoo’s voice broke, I can feel him sobbing.
“But we don’t want to lose you…” Inoo’s mother begged. My heart is breaking apart, hearing her mother begging to her son like that.
“You won’t lose me. No one will ever lose me. I will live forever in my song. Please.. let me leave my voice inside people’s heart…”
There was a long pause after Inoo said that. No one opened his/her mouth to argue more. All I can hear is Inoo’s mother’s cry.
Inoo’s mother release herself from Inoo’s father’s hug. She walked to Inoo and hug him. “I love you too much I can’s bear it if I ever lose you….” She begged in tears.
Inoo hugged her back, resting his head on his mother’s shoulder. “As much as I love my voice, mom… Forgive me for being too egoist.. but please.. let me live the way I want, the one I’m proud of. Please.. let my voice lives.. inside everyone’s heart.” Her mother hugged him tighter, and the two of them cry as much as they want.
The argument ends the way it is. Inoo’s parents were forced to accept Inoo’s wish, and there’s nothing else they can do. There’s nothing else I can do. My body felt so numb realizing that there’s really no way anymore to change Inoo’s mind. If only miracle occurred…
Inoo’s parents gradually agree, but the set some conditions for Inoo. They wanted Tanaka-sensei to check up on him more often, and he have to ask Tanaka-sensei’s approval for his activities, whatever it is. On Inoo’s side, he has to take care of his health and not to overwork anything. And in return, Inoo is now allowed to sing in his house freely.
In the afternoon, Yamada-san, Inoo’s manager, came and brought some infos from the agency. Yamada-san greeted Inoo’s parent and apologized for what happened with Inoo without their consent. Yamada-san told them that Shichigatsu no Tsubasa will still being released as it was already scheduled, despite all the commotion. But after it being released and promoted, the agency will terminate Inoo’s contract because of some reasons. First, the agency don’t want to be labeled as a killer for exploitting someone’s gravely sick, they don’t want to be responsible if something bad were to happen. Second, Inoo forge his parents’ permission when they first contract him.
Inoo’s mother cut him and explained that Inoo’s parents already giving him permission to do his activities as a singer and fully support him. “Whatever happen to our son, it’s no one’s fault.” Inoo’s mother explained to manager on Inoo’s behalf.
But manager-san still refusing Inoo’s negotiation, as the agency don’t want to take any risk. Finally, Inoo voiced his own opinion.
“I deeply apologized for forging my parent’s permission and not being honest about my health. But, as for my mother and father, they already give me full consent for me being a singer, they gave me another chance, and I hope the agency will do the same. Moreover.. I’m quite in my peak of popularity, I guess it’s such a loss if I just disappear like the agency wanted.” Inoo explained. He did have some points, indeed. If, the agency were to terminate his contract, it will leave a bad rumour behind and can affect both Mikazuki’s image and the agency. “Thus, I want to propose this idea, I want to release one album, and after that I will resign myself. And right before I resign, I want to held my last live, you can sell my name and sell my last live as a farewell live or whatever, I’m sure it will sell a lot. And that will benefits you, too, right?”
Inoo was never as arrogant as this, but for his singing career, he doesn’t mind doing it. My heart clenched. Inoo really wants to continue singing, even if it costs him everything. He’s ready to throw everything just to keep singing.
Manager-san nodded in approval, he thought that it is possible. “But.. what if something were to happen between the time until your resignation?” The manager asked.
“I can assure you, nothing bad will happen in that range of time.”
“Okay, I’m gonne pass your words to my agency and gonna discussed it soon.”
“I’m waiting for the good news, Yamada-san.” After that, manager-san bid us goodbye and went back to the office.
Inoo is optimistic with the agency. He’s 100% sure that the agency will let him do it. He is also looked so lively and happy, as he was given the permission from his parents that he doesn’t need to sing in secret again.
After manager went back to the office, Inoo’s parents went home to arrange some things. It is finally just the two of us in the hospital. He hold my hands all the time, and won’t ever let our hands separated. He smiled warmly to me and told me much stories about his earlier time in the agency.
I’m doing my best to hide this mixed feeling. Because afterall.. I still don’t want to lose him.
When the sun goes down, Inoo told me to go back to my room and rest, since I still need to go to classes and works. At first I declined and want to stay with him, but he insisted, and I know how stubborn he could be.
All the way home, I keep thinking about it. What can I do.. to make Inoo change his mind. His parents even failed. Am I.. not a good reason enough to make keep on living? Is Inoo.. not afraid of… death…?
I don’t really understand the way he thinks. He chose his voice over his life.. he chose to leave us behind. I know how much Inoo cherished his voice and his music. But.. to think that he’s ready to sacrifice everything.. including his life… I don’t want it…
When I arrive at my room, Hikaru was sitting right in front of my door. His face as gloomy and worried. Being goofy and playful as he wants, his intuition is never wrong. This kind of event had occurred many times. Something bad happened with me, and Hikaru will be sensing about it and came to calm me. Just like right now.
“Hey.” He greeted.
“Hey.”
“What’s with the long face?” He joked. But his worried expression still visible on his face.
I didn’t answer him. My face is gloomy and lifeless. I know. Once I leave Inoo’s room, I just cannot keep on that façade anymore.
I opened my mouth, asking Hikaru the question in my mind.
“What do you choose, Hika? Live long enough but losing something important, or live a short, but a proud and sparkling life?”
Hikaru paused for a while, not answering it right away. His face still show me his worries, and he seems like still choosing the right words to answer mine.
“I choose.. to shine.” He answered.
And I know.
I know.. that trying to change Inoo’s mind is futile. Nothing else I can do.. beside supporting him.
**
In the next day, I told my office that I’ll be resigning, since my purpose to gather data for my final project is already done, and they told me that my contract will be finished in 2 weeks. With my tight schedule in weekdays, I don’t have any chance to meet Inoo, and Inoo didn’t mind at all since we’re still being able to exchange mails. After being confined in the hospital for several days, Inoo is finally allowed to go home, but I wasn’t there to help him. He mailed me his address and told me to go there once I have my free time.
In the weekend, I go straight to his house. I was welcomed by Inoo’s mother and she takes me to Inoo’s room. Inoo’s piano is already moved to Inoo’s room, which already turned into a music studio. Inoo’s family is so wealthy.
The truth is.. my mind is still jumbled. After hearing Hika’s answer.. which is the same answer as Inoo, I know.. I need to accept it. But.. accepting it is not as easy as you think. I love Inoo too much I don’t want to be separated with him. No, I can't imagine if I were to lose him. But.. if living with me.. is separating him from his dream.. I don’t want it. Although it’s hard, the only thing I can do for him right now is supporting him.
I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes. From now on, I have to keep on smiling. I musn’t show Inoo my gloomy side, I musn’t show him how much it hurts me.
I opened his door and Inoo was playing the piano cheerfully.
“Yabu!” He called me.
“Hey, how’s your body?” I walked inside and sit on Inoo’s bed, right behind his piano.
“I’m in my best condition.” He flashed his smile. “Yamada-san already informed me the agency’s decision. He told me that I am allowed to release the album, and I am given several months to prepare for it. They planned to release it in early winter so I have it until autumn to prepare for it, not to forget I still have Shichigatsu no Tsubasa to be focused with.”
“When will it be recorded?”
“Next week as scheduled. And after that, I have to promote it. He told me that I won’t have the free time to start my new album, so I just need to focus on that single first. And after that, I have months to prepare.”
“So after it’s released, you will be absent from the entertainment world?”
“No. I’m scheduled to do some lives, though the schedule is not tight. So I have time for my album”
“You still do the lives? Are you sure you’re not overworking your body?”
“Not at all. I know my limit, and that.. won’t be enough to take me down. The schedule is not that tight, after all. I still have the time to meet Tanaka-sensei and get some medicine.”
I stood up and hold both Inoo’s shoulders from behind. He looked up to see my face.
“Just promise me you’ll take care of yourself and tell me immediately if you feel hurt.”
“Yeah..” He nodded.
“So.. about this new album, do you have something in mind?”
“Ah.. honestly.. I already have 1 song for it, but it’s still too short. Wanna hear?” And in the next second, his fingers already danced on the piano keys.
Even if we’ve lost everything
Bond is the only thing that nobody could destroy
With a simple thing like that, tears would change into smile
I'm not alone anymore
because I have you all by my side...
“I will name it Kizuna.. I got the idea of this song.. when I was thinking of you.” He told me after finishing his song. He placed my hand on mine and grips it firmly.
I was really lost for words. I was really touched by the song I almost shed some tears. ‘Even if we’ve lost everything, Bond is the only thing that nobody could destroy’. It’s like you’re saying to me, even if we’re to be separated.. our bond will still be right there. Our love will still be right here.. connecting us.
I bend my body until my face is in the same height with his face and lean closer to him, and placed my lips onto his. And we shared the sweet kiss for a while.
**
When another week starts, Inoo is busy with recording and another promoting activities for his new single. To balance Inoo’s activity, Tanaka-sensei giving him more attention and treat him more than usual. Tho it won’t heal him, it could at least giving Inoo some strength. Even so, Inoo’s body is weaken per day, and we could see Inoo being so exhausted, although not to the point of collapsing.
The audiences reception of Shichigatsu no Tsubasa’s is good. The sale is increasing as well as Mikazuki’s popularity. Mikazuki is requested to show up on some program, but the agency have to decline the offer since they already scheduled Inoo for some lives and also need Inoo to focus on his upcoming album. But the biggest reason is, because Inoo’s body won’t be able to take it all.
After the promoting activities of Shichigatsu no Tsubasa is finished, now Inoo’s main job is to prepare his album. Inoo had discussed it several times with the agency, as for concept, song and all. Inoo wanted to compose all the songs by himself, so the agency offered to do the rest.
Along with that, Inoo’s live tour is started. But, as promised, the schedule is not tight that it gives him more time to compose. As for me, my class is already over, and I’ve resigned from my job. So the only thing I have to do right now is finishing my final project, and also, taking care of Inoo on Inoo’s parents and the doctor behalf.
He was once asked me to take him to Blanc et Noir’s event in his leisure time. Inoo grew a liking of Blanc et Noir and told me that they have the potential to grow big in music industries. At the same time, Hikaru contacted me to come to see his live. So I told him that I’ll be coming with Inoo.
Hikaru took us to the backstage as soon as we arrived there. Inoo was happy to see Hikaru and already joked to each other. Inoo is friendly and easy to talk to that he’s already close with everyone. They exchange their contact, and Inoo shamelessly asking for free ticket to Blanc et Noir’s live. While, Inoo is the one who should giving them his lives ticket for free. He’s Mikazuki, afterall!
“Nee, Inoo-chan. Today we’re gonna play Yabu’s songs again.” I heard Hikaru telling Inoo.
“Ah sou? What’s the title?”
“Sleepless Night and Even Heaven. I’ll give you the cue from stage, okay.”
I heard them talking behind my back about the song I composed while I was away from them. They never talked about it in front of me, and I heard Inoo is putting an interest on the topic from the way he speaks to Hika. They always talk about it without me knowing.. like they don’t want me to know about it.
**
The next day afer watching Blanc et Noir’s live, Inoo is back with his composing songs activities. When I entered his room, he didn’t notice my appearance as he was too immersed with his work. There’s this time when he ask my advice for his songs, but there’s also times when nothing else matters beside his own composing songs world.
I didn’t want to bother him at all, so I took my guitar to the porch of Inoo’s room. I sit on the bench there and started strumming my guitar. I played all the songs I know and made, including the one being played by Blanc et Noir’s last night.
Last night, when Blanc et Nois is playing the song I write, Inoo was quiet, and his expression is unreadable. Inoo is really hard to read in times like this.
Suddenly the door to the porch was opened. Inoo was there and joined me on the bench. I stopped playing and put the guitar right beside me. Inoo’s expression is unreadable. He leaned to me and rest his head on my shoulder. He was troubled. I circled my hand at his back and ruffled his hair. Wondering what’s been troubling him. Is it his his composing activity?
“You.. don’t want to write any songs for me?” He whispered. I stopped my ruffling on his hair. I didn’t expect this kind of question. I’m quite aware that he knows about me composing songs for Blanc et Noir from Hikaru. But since he never talk about it, I thought he was keeping it to himself.
Inoo twitched his head until our eyes meet. His eyes are pleading. “I want.. to be able to sing your song.”
So.. this is why he was quiet and stunned last night. I bit my lips. As much as I want to…
“I.. cannot write anymore, Kei.” I told him sorrowfully.
“Why? I think… you’re good at it.”
But you don’t know anything at all Kei… I’m just.. I just don’t want to feel that way again.
“But I can’t..” I told him again. His eyes still pleading. I know Inoo was too stubborn that he didn’t want to give up at all. And I also think.. that maybe Inoo has a right to know about it. Inoo used to close his heart, but now he’s trying to be honest with everything to me. Maybe.. this time, it’s me that need to open up to him.
“I… was once joined a competition..” I explained. “Do you remember when I first know about you being Mikazuki and I was mad because you sing your new song, the one that hasn’t been released in front of me, a stranger you barely know?” Inoo nodded. “That time… the song I wrote.. it was stolen.”
Inoo’s eyes widen.
“That’s why I was so mad at you, but you didn’t even think about it at all. Okay, back to the story. He won the competition using my song. And later he acused me stealing his idea for the song, although it was mine to begin with! And.. people detest me for it…..”
Inoo’s expression changed. He was first pleading to me, but now his expression is sad, like he was pitying me. But I don’t want to be pitied. His expression changed again like he was hurting… in my place. He moved his hand to my cheek and caressed it caringly.
“After that.. everytime I write a new song, I was reminded to that incident. Hatred filled me. And when I realize… I cannot write anymore. I started to hate music, I don’t want to know about music anymore. The only music I listen is Blanc et Noir, and that’s because I want to respect and appreciate theirs. Hikaru and the rest of Blanc et Noir’s members tried to persuade me to play music again.. But I… just can’t…” I trailed.
“The first time I play the guitar for you.. it costed me everything. I don’t want to play music ever again, but.. your voice seems like hypnotizing me. I have never really into someone’s voice before this. And for once in my life.. I feel like I want to play for someone’s sake, not for mine. And when I try to play the guitar while thinking of you… I’ve forgotten about my hatred.
“But… as for writing again… I don’t think… I’m confident enough to do it. I’m not even ready to do it. And.. I don’t know if I still feel hatred toward it… I’m sorry…”
Inoo circled his hand around my neck. He hugged me tightly, tenderly, like he was telling me to share my pain to him.
“It’s okay…” he whispered as he patted my back. “It takes time to heal a wound, moreover a really deep one.” He told me. “But I am glad.. that I can take you back to the world of music again. I’m glad I can make you play again. I’m glad.. my voice reaches you.
“I used hate God for everything that happened in my life. But after I take a closer look at my life, He gave me more in return. So.. I was convinced that everything happened for a reason. And I’m sure, your misfortune leads you somewhere better. And maybe.. our meeting occured as a part of it.
“I hope.. me being with you here.. can help you through your hatred. And I hope.. someday… you can write again.. without feeling that hatred. Because hatred is not fitting for your beautiful song.”
After hearing it all, I hugged him back. I brough him even closer to me and whispered on his ear. “Thank you..”
Although just a mere thank you won’t be enough to expressed how grateful and touched I really feel because of him.
I really wish.. I can write one for you.
**
The deadline for Inoo’s album is approaching. I can see Inoo feels so pressured and being tired of it. Tanaka-sensei gives his full attention to Inoo, but the burden and the pressure Inoo feels had affected his body more than Tanaka-sensei thought, physically and mentally. Inoo tried his best not to let his body drop, but we can see.. his sickness eats him out day by day.
In his recent live, his voice is huskier and the audience noticed about it and making uproar about it. He also almost collapsed in the middle of the live. But the staff handled it so well that the audience didn’t notice at all.
Inoo was mad at himself, and always, to his sickness, for letting it happened. Since that day, Inoo’s mood is bad, and has been unapproachable.
One day, I got a call from Inoo’s mother, She told me ‘Please help Kei’. With that words, I forgot whatever I was doing that time and sprinted towards Inoo’s house.
When I reach Inoo’s house, I was welcomed by Inoo’s mother cry, and I almost lost my mind. Inoo’s mother told me what happened. Inoo was coughing painfully and blood was spilled. Inoo’s mother tried to soothe him and wanted to take him to the hospital, and call the doctor. But it was stopped by Inoo and he got mad at her. He told his mother to get out of his room and not to bother him at all. And after that.. Inoo’s been playing piano and sings like a mad man.
His mental is breaking.
I dashed to Inoo’s room. When I opened his door, he was playing piano, fiercely, and I can see his anger and sadness from the way he play. Blood was everywhere. On his mouth, his shirt, his hand.. and also his piano. He sings emotionally, almost screaming.
Where are you? Are you there? Are you here?
God, if you’re really right there
What are you looking?
What are you thinking?
Please tell me, even if you'd listen to my prayers
You'd only laugh, right?
He sings.
His tears are flowing, falling right onto his drying blood on the piano. I almost fall on my knees seing him like that.
His song is the feeling he’s been hiding away. Can a broken heart, break even more? Because seeing him like that, I feel like my already broken heart is shredded into pieces and piercing my flesh.
With the tears ready to fall, I hug him from behind, and forcingly pulled him away from his piano, stopping him halfway the song. He rebelled against me, he doesn’t want to be stopped from his play. He screamed as loud as he can, athough it was hurting his throat.
I pulled him harder until we both fall on the floor. He landed on top of me. I keep on embracing him so he won’t go back to his piano and continued that insane play. He cried louder.
“Why me?!” He screamed.
“Why should I?! Why should it be me that having this kind of sickness?! Why Yabu, why?!”
He keeps on screaming and crying, until he was suffocating. And I keep on embracing him, my tears are already flowing. His body shaking as he sobs and coughs. I caressed his back, trying to calm him.
The most hurting from this scene is.. I cannot do anything to lessen his pain.
“I don’t want to die…” He sobs. “But………. I don’t want to lose my voice”
**
The farewell concert is approaching. The announcement of Mikazuki’s album, and followed by the information about Mikazuki retiring from the music industry caused an uproar within the fans and others. They are wondering the reason Mikazuki is retiring from the industry, although he was in his peak. And as planned, his album sales skyrocketed, becoming the most sales in Mikazuki’s discography. Along with it, the concert ticket is already sold out in hours since the first time the sale is open. Mikazuki is not too long in the music industry, but he could make such an uproar like this.. so people really loves his voice, I guess.
Closer to the big day, Inoo’s health is declining. The frequency of him coughing blood and collapsing is increased. His voice is also losing its charm day by day, as it is becoming huskier. Tanaka-sensei has given him the extra care, and Inoo already undergo such treatment, but still, it doesn’t make Inoo better. And after several examination… Tanaka-sensei told me and Inoo’s parents that Inoo doesn’t have much time left.
My world is crumbling when I hear that. What is it? What do you mean he doesn’t have much time left? How much is this much? I feel like there’s a clock.. counting down the remaining time I have with Inoo. I feel like breaking apart. I don’t want it. I don’t want Inoo to die…
Even so.. I need to be cheerful in front of Inoo. I don’t want to add more worries to him. I just want to see him happy… in his remaining time.
My feet felt so heavy. All of it had become such pressure to me, to my body, and to my mind. The blowing wind in the winter felt like freezing my whole body right now. I forced myself to keep on walking to Inoo’s house, passing the park along the way. It’s already 1 year.. since our first meet.
I went to the park and sit on my usual place, and reminiscing the past. I really want to turn back time, and spend much time with Inoo here. I want us to go back to our happy time… but I know.. it’s just some wish that will never be granted. Before I torture myself more than this, I stood up again, and continue walking to Inoo’s house.
Inoo’s big day is near, and he’s busy enough with the preparation and his medical treatment. But he really want me to take him somewhere today. After picking him up, he told me that he wanted to go to Blanc et Noir’s event. I told Hikaru immediately that we’re coming.
All the way to the venue, Inoo looks so happy and cheerful. He’s so talkative, blabbering stories he knows and saying all the random things comes up to his mind. Although.. his cheerfulness cannot cover his paleness. And I’m sure, Hika could notice it all.
We arrived there and Hikaru instantly took us to the backstage. The rest of the member are there, greeting us. The gave us our seats and some snacks. Their turn is still 1 hour later, so we have some times to spend.
Hikaru open up the topic. “Where have you two been? I’ve never seen Yabu for a long time although we’re in the same campus.” He said as he slapped my back. I will play along. I won’t let anyone see the gloomy side of me.
“Oy!” I shouted. “Just be grateful that we’re coming today! If it’s not us, who will watch your live?” And everyone laughed.
“This cheeky bastard!” Yuya cursed as he laughed.
“What about you, Inoo-chan? You’re not slacking off like Yabu, right?” Hikaru asked.
“I always come to my class on time, and never miss it even once.” Inoo smiled. He’s such a liar, playing as a good student. But he was so natural, that everyone seems to believe it.
“Ah good, don’t be like Yabu.” Hikaru patted Inoo’s head.
“What are you, Inoo-chan’s father?” Yuya joked to Hika. Yuto laughed hysterically, while Keito tried to hold his laugh, but fail. And being in the place like this, at least.. makes me forget my worries for a while. I guess, Inoo feels that way too.
“Anyway, Yabu. You’re a die-hard fan of Mikazuki, right? Did you get the ticket?” Hikaru asked me, but Yuto cut him.
“Eeh? Yabu-chan is Mikazuki’s die-hard fan? I can’t believe it.” Yuto said.
“You can’t believe it? Bleh. You should have seen Yabu’s face when he heard Mikazuki for the first time. It’s like someone who hasn’t eaten for days and finally got some exquisite food on his hand! He ran to the music stores and bought Mikazuki’s cds, but he didn’t have money so he just bought 2. Pft.” Hikaru told them and laughed loudly.
Inoo is aware of me being one of his fan and really loving his voice. But to see Hikaru told such exaggerating story to Mikazuki himself right in front my face……….. My face is burning of shame. I could see from the corner of my eyes that Inoo’s body is shaking, holding his laugh.
“You’re exaggerating it!” I shouted to Hika. “well at least, I can watch Mikazuki’s concert.” I bragged smugly.
“Eh? How can you get it? It’s sold out within hours right?” Yuya was amazed. “Hikaru wants the ticket but he didn’t get it.”
“I’m his fans even before debuting, afterall. I want to at least watch him live once… moreover.. he’s retiring.. and we can’t hear his voice anymore after it.” Hika said, sulking.
Inoo and I fall silent. This kind of topic is a bit sensitive to us. No one noticed about our silence.. except 1 person. Hikaru flicked his eyes to me, tried to read our face. I could see for a second he felt guilty because he didn’t know that kind of topic is sensitive for us. Although he is caring and observant, he sometimes says things without thinking.
“Ah.. I almost forgot my purpose tonight.” Inoo opened his mouth. He then took something from his bag and put it on the table. “I just want to give it to you.” Inoo smiled.
On the table, there were 4 vip tickets for Mikazuki’s concert. The four of them looked at it, puzzled.
“EH?!” the four of them squealed.
“How can you have these four tickets?” Yuya asked.
“Ah.. 1 more.” Inoo took something from his bag again, and then he handed it to me.
“Don’t watch me from backstage. I want you to see me from the best seat possible.” Inoo said to me, leaving me bewildered. I feel like my throat is locked. All of sudden.. like this..
All of the Blanc et Noir’s member watched us confusedly. Inoo turned his body to them again and said. “I will be happy.. if all of you are there as well”
Suddenly, Inoo’s phone rings. He took it and went outside.
“So…. All these time… we’re hanging out with Mikazuki….” Yuya trailed, still dumbfounded.
“Wow..” Keito said.
“So… Yabu-chan likes Inoo-chan because he’s Mikazuki?” Yuto asked.
“No, not like that. Inoo was singing in the first time we meet, and I fell in love with his voice right there. That time, I didn’t know about Mikazuki at all. It’s more of.. I like Mikazuki, because I know he’s Inoo.” I explained.
After that, Hikaru told the rest to start preparing on stage. But he remains in the backstage, with me.
“You won’t be comfortable to talk about it if others are around..” Hikaru explained. “I just want.. to confirm some things to you.” Hikaru’s expression now turned into a serious one. I prepare myself for whatever serious talk he want to dicuss. “You know why Inoo is retiring, right?” He asked.
As I thought.
“Yeah.”
“Is there any connection to you being so gloomy and overwork yourself?”
As I thought.. he could really see into me. I just smiled brittly to him.
“One more… I still remember your question when I wait for you in front of your door. Is it.. also connected.. to Inoo-chan being so pale, and his husky voice?”
I nodded weakly. Hika’s intuition is too sharp. I didn’t think that he could read it this far though. I looked down weakly. Hikaru sighed.
“Yabu. I think I need to tell you about it.”
“What is it..?”
“Inoo told me not to tell you about it. But I think you have the right to know. Because.. you have to know… how much he cares for you.” I looked up instantly.
“Okay, what is it?” I asked him eagerly.
“You know, I’ve been mailing with Inoo. We were once meeting at the coffee shop, because he asked me to let him hear all the songs you wrote for Blanc et Noir. Long story short, I show him all. And he said… ‘I want Yabu to always write beautiful songs like this…’ and he told me…. that I have to take care of you, and to make you write again…” Hikaru explained.
At first, I was lost for words. It was like.. he is preparing.. to fly… away from us.
I shut my eyes. I tried my best not to burst out my feeling which I had been holding.
“He.. wants me to write a song for him…” I whispered, trying my hardest not to let my voice broke.
“Then you should.. grant him that wish….” Hikaru replied.
At this point.. I’m sure.. Hikaru had understand it all, although I don’t tell him in detail. I really want to burst it all to Hikaru. I really want to tell him what happened. I want to share it to someone.. But, If I were to tell the story, I know.. I will break. And I don’t know.. if I can be strong again.
Hikaru patted my shoulder. “Whatever happens, you can overcome it all.” He told me.
All these time, I always maintain this strong façade. I try to force myself not to think further, not to think whats gonna happen, and just accept.. it all. Feeling sentimental is the least thing I want to do. I just don’t want to slip even one second, because im afraid I cannot go back to being cheerful again in front of inoo.
**continue to Part 2-II**