LOL... sorry, but your comment of 17625 characters exceeds the maximum character length of 4300. xDD I guess I'm splitting it into four comments. Bear with me.
I told you I'd get to it!
Before I tear it to pieces, let me just say that this is really, really good.
In general, what I've noticed is that description is your strong point, whereas speaking and character interaction is your weak point.
A summons from Lady Xao was easily the most frightening thing the young Tsing could imagine; the matriarch was by no means unpredictable, but the slaves who carried the summons were never privileged to know the reason and one never knew what the Lady had or hadn't noticed and what she made of it.
This is one sentence, and I find it somewhat difficult to follow. Perhaps "A summoms from Lady Xao was easily the most frightening thing the young Tsing could imagine; one never knew what the Lady had noticed, although she was by no means unpredictable" (Slaves, I think, add too much to an already full sentence, but I understand that you might
( ... )
Part 2: "A... wonderful gift, Mother," Xi murmured, eyes on the dagger's keen edge. "I am not worthy of such."
Again, the turn of phrase strikes me a little odd...
"Nevertheless, it is yours." Lady Xao was still smiling, but there was now a dangerous edge to her stare. Xi found himself preferring the dagger. "You must mark it, so that it knows and all who see it know. You know how to do this, do you not?"
On the other hand, the same turns of phrase sound fantastic coming from Queenie. Maybe it's that they both speak the same way, even though she is mature, powerful and mysterious and he is young, innocent and close to the reader, that doesn't sit well with me.
At the first cut, Chien made a small, agonized sound and Han chortled softly; Xi could easily picture his brother's face lighting with childish<-- I don't like this word. Childish is quite an odd adjective to describe sadism. Cruel glee, maybe? glee as his own ears twitched in sympathy. He tried to disguise his grimace of distaste with a snarl and, hands trembling, moved to
( ... )
"A... wonderful gift, Mother," Xi murmured, eyes on the dagger's keen edge. "I am not worthy of such."
Again, the turn of phrase strikes me a little odd...
Xi is eight, but he is both scholarly and raised to speak in such patterns to anyone who outranks him. Han is a slightly different case, which I'll get to in a moment. (Xi's counterpart, Quartz, is much less formal even well into adulthood; I'll get to her in another story.)
For the first part, I find it odd that you don't provide any description of what he's thinking; he just hears a sound and follows it... maybe this is intentional, but I'm curious as to what he's thinking. He isn't, really--just kind of drifting along, perhaps mildly curious but not yet quite aware of why he's doing what he's doing. Again, "study them" sounds like something his mother would do. Again, scholarly character even at this age.
This is a great description. Interesting creatures, too. Your girlfriend appears to be a furry. :) Actually, while the Tsing(bats)are hers the Xa Te(red pandas)are mine. ^
( ... )
Part 3: After several minutes of watching unnoticed, Xi coughed gently and rustled his wings.
"What are you doing?"
I think the "What are you doing" should be attached to the rustling wings line to make it more clear he's saying it and to link it to what he's doing. After several minutes of watching unnoticed, Xi coughed gently and rustled his wings. "What are you doing?"
They both spun to face him, terrified eyes looking into his for a moment before mother and son dropped, foreheads pressing to the floor. (Pale brown eyes, he noticed, instead of Tsing silver. Very strange.)
"I'm... sorry," he murmured, spreading his hands. "I didn't mean... I heard...." He trailed off, frowning. The slaves hadn't been making the music; where had it come from? He floundered briefly, no longer certain he had really heard it, and at last blurted "I won't tell!"
Here's where the conversation problems start. I understand it's incredibly difficult to portray awkwardness or halting speech in text, but I think this part would benefit from putting "I'm
( ... )
After several minutes of watching unnoticed, Xi coughed gently and rustled his wings. "What are you doing?"
I've been trained to start new paragraphs for speech, but I see your point here.
"I won't tell" seems a lot more in line with what I think of his character, and contrasts sharply with his previous fancy turns of phrase, which is what I have problems with.
Exactly. Scholarly or not, he's going to speak one way to a distant, formal mother, and a different way to peers or slaves.
I donut really understand why he's smiling so much... you keep repeating the fact. Why is it important?
Xi is so somber at this age that is IS important when he smiles. I'll look into it, though.
Why is it suddenly open today? That seems somewhat contrived.
It is a mystery! >O (Actually, it's the Phoenix itself trying to get Xi on its side, as it has plans for him later in life. However, Xi would not know this at this point.)
I'd put a semicolon or a colon after seen, instead of a comma. I'm also confused how the phoenixes overshadow the Tsing. Do
( ... )
Part 4: A soft glow caught his eye as he wandered through the rows of stored treasures, and he scurried<-- I don't really like this adjective... the passage seems to be of slow exploration of wondrous, forbidden things, but scurried implies hurried, frightened, and weak. to investigate. It was gone by the time he reached the correct shelf, but he knew he'd seen the golden glow just as surely as he'd heard the beautiful song. He began picking up anything golden he saw, trying to recapture the light, and found it at last in a hollow phoenix figure that was just the right size to cradle in his hands. It looked, he realized, quite a lot like the bat-winged head of his mother's staff of office; perhaps, long ago, this bird had served a similar purpose. As he held it close to his chest the glow grew steadily brighter: or ; gold, scarlet, and violet flame dancing across his vision
( ... )
giggle<-- this adjective is at odds with the sense of awe evoked by the forbidden room and majestic birds, the sense of hurrying evoked by "scurried" and not wanting to be caught. Why is he giglging, anyway?
Because he finds the squeaking noise the flute made funny.
"bad room" seems very immature for what I'm interpreting as a cruel, older character. Is my interpretation wrong? "bad room" sounds like "naughty bits" and evokes the image of a 5-7-year-old.
Han is the favorite child, and likes to play the image of 'good boy helping mommy' right now. The 'favored son' thing is also why he is sometimes less formal than Xi with their mother: simply because he can get away with it, and likes to feel close to the one in power.
If so, I inferred that... I'm not sure how omniscient you want your narrator to be, but I find he doesn't look into his thoughts at all, so it's hard to understand what's happening because a lot of unfamiliar, mysterious action revolves around him right now. Maybe you could peek into his mind some more? Just a
( ... )
Part... er, five. xD I have l33t M@TH S|See, that's a lot closer to what I saw his character as, which is why his immaturity in the treasury was confusing. Awesome part.
"I'm too easily recognized, and I'd slow you down. Besides, Mother might overlook the two of you going missing--pretend it's beneath her notice--but not me." He hesitated, then reached out to touch Chien's right ear just between the two notches he'd carved a year ago. "I'm sorry, Chien." This is fantastic character interaction. They're all perfect here.
"Better a sliced ear than a slit throat," Jian murmured. She clasped Xi's hand between both of hers, squeezing gently. "Goodbye, bat-prince. May the Great Phoenix guide and protect you." And here.
They were gone before Xi could reply, vanishing into the night like dreams. The Tsing gazed after them for several minutes and then, with a heavy sigh, started back up the duct to face whatever punishments might await him.
As he climbed, he could hear the song of the Phoenix once more. This is some great imagery and a
( ... )
Not annoyed at all! I may or may not start putting 'edited' versions of these stories under second cuts; if I do, I'll definitely use your suggestions.
Comments 12
I told you I'd get to it!
Before I tear it to pieces, let me just say that this is really, really good.
In general, what I've noticed is that description is your strong point, whereas speaking and character interaction is your weak point.
A summons from Lady Xao was easily the most frightening thing the young Tsing could imagine; the matriarch was by no means unpredictable, but the slaves who carried the summons were never privileged to know the reason and one never knew what the Lady had or hadn't noticed and what she made of it.
This is one sentence, and I find it somewhat difficult to follow. Perhaps "A summoms from Lady Xao was easily the most frightening thing the young Tsing could imagine; one never knew what the Lady had noticed, although she was by no means unpredictable" (Slaves, I think, add too much to an already full sentence, but I understand that you might ( ... )
Reply
Reply
"A... wonderful gift, Mother," Xi murmured, eyes on the dagger's keen edge. "I am not worthy of such."
Again, the turn of phrase strikes me a little odd...
"Nevertheless, it is yours." Lady Xao was still smiling, but there was now a dangerous edge to her stare. Xi found himself preferring the dagger. "You must mark it, so that it knows and all who see it know. You know how to do this, do you not?"
On the other hand, the same turns of phrase sound fantastic coming from Queenie. Maybe it's that they both speak the same way, even though she is mature, powerful and mysterious and he is young, innocent and close to the reader, that doesn't sit well with me.
At the first cut, Chien made a small, agonized sound and Han chortled softly; Xi could easily picture his brother's face lighting with childish<-- I don't like this word. Childish is quite an odd adjective to describe sadism. Cruel glee, maybe? glee as his own ears twitched in sympathy. He tried to disguise his grimace of distaste with a snarl and, hands trembling, moved to ( ... )
Reply
Again, the turn of phrase strikes me a little odd...
Xi is eight, but he is both scholarly and raised to speak in such patterns to anyone who outranks him. Han is a slightly different case, which I'll get to in a moment. (Xi's counterpart, Quartz, is much less formal even well into adulthood; I'll get to her in another story.)
For the first part, I find it odd that you don't provide any description of what he's thinking; he just hears a sound and follows it... maybe this is intentional, but I'm curious as to what he's thinking. He isn't, really--just kind of drifting along, perhaps mildly curious but not yet quite aware of why he's doing what he's doing. Again, "study them" sounds like something his mother would do. Again, scholarly character even at this age.
This is a great description. Interesting creatures, too. Your girlfriend appears to be a furry. :) Actually, while the Tsing(bats)are hers the Xa Te(red pandas)are mine. ^ ( ... )
Reply
After several minutes of watching unnoticed, Xi coughed gently and rustled his wings.
"What are you doing?"
I think the "What are you doing" should be attached to the rustling wings line to make it more clear he's saying it and to link it to what he's doing. After several minutes of watching unnoticed, Xi coughed gently and rustled his wings. "What are you doing?"
They both spun to face him, terrified eyes looking into his for a moment before mother and son dropped, foreheads pressing to the floor. (Pale brown eyes, he noticed, instead of Tsing silver. Very strange.)
"I'm... sorry," he murmured, spreading his hands. "I didn't mean... I heard...." He trailed off, frowning. The slaves hadn't been making the music; where had it come from? He floundered briefly, no longer certain he had really heard it, and at last blurted "I won't tell!"
Here's where the conversation problems start. I understand it's incredibly difficult to portray awkwardness or halting speech in text, but I think this part would benefit from putting "I'm ( ... )
Reply
I've been trained to start new paragraphs for speech, but I see your point here.
"I won't tell" seems a lot more in line with what I think of his character, and contrasts sharply with his previous fancy turns of phrase, which is what I have problems with.
Exactly. Scholarly or not, he's going to speak one way to a distant, formal mother, and a different way to peers or slaves.
I donut really understand why he's smiling so much... you keep repeating the fact. Why is it important?
Xi is so somber at this age that is IS important when he smiles. I'll look into it, though.
Why is it suddenly open today? That seems somewhat contrived.
It is a mystery! >O (Actually, it's the Phoenix itself trying to get Xi on its side, as it has plans for him later in life. However, Xi would not know this at this point.)
I'd put a semicolon or a colon after seen, instead of a comma. I'm also confused how the phoenixes overshadow the Tsing. Do ( ... )
Reply
A soft glow caught his eye as he wandered through the rows of stored treasures, and he scurried<-- I don't really like this adjective... the passage seems to be of slow exploration of wondrous, forbidden things, but scurried implies hurried, frightened, and weak. to investigate. It was gone by the time he reached the correct shelf, but he knew he'd seen the golden glow just as surely as he'd heard the beautiful song. He began picking up anything golden he saw, trying to recapture the light, and found it at last in a hollow phoenix figure that was just the right size to cradle in his hands. It looked, he realized, quite a lot like the bat-winged head of his mother's staff of office; perhaps, long ago, this bird had served a similar purpose. As he held it close to his chest the glow grew steadily brighter: or ; gold, scarlet, and violet flame dancing across his vision ( ... )
Reply
Because he finds the squeaking noise the flute made funny.
"bad room" seems very immature for what I'm interpreting as a cruel, older character. Is my interpretation wrong? "bad room" sounds like "naughty bits" and evokes the image of a 5-7-year-old.
Han is the favorite child, and likes to play the image of 'good boy helping mommy' right now. The 'favored son' thing is also why he is sometimes less formal than Xi with their mother: simply because he can get away with it, and likes to feel close to the one in power.
If so, I inferred that... I'm not sure how omniscient you want your narrator to be, but I find he doesn't look into his thoughts at all, so it's hard to understand what's happening because a lot of unfamiliar, mysterious action revolves around him right now. Maybe you could peek into his mind some more? Just a ( ... )
Reply
"I'm too easily recognized, and I'd slow you down. Besides, Mother might overlook the two of you going missing--pretend it's beneath her notice--but not me." He hesitated, then reached out to touch Chien's right ear just between the two notches he'd carved a year ago. "I'm sorry, Chien."
This is fantastic character interaction. They're all perfect here.
"Better a sliced ear than a slit throat," Jian murmured. She clasped Xi's hand between both of hers, squeezing gently. "Goodbye, bat-prince. May the Great Phoenix guide and protect you."
And here.
They were gone before Xi could reply, vanishing into the night like dreams. The Tsing gazed after them for several minutes and then, with a heavy sigh, started back up the duct to face whatever punishments might await him.
As he climbed, he could hear the song of the Phoenix once more.
This is some great imagery and a ( ... )
Reply
Reply
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