Social circles and dating circles

[nminusone]

What are the pros and cons, for you, of dating someone inside or at least tangential to your social circles? How about the pros and cons of dating someone significantly outside them? Do you have a preference for one or the other? Do you usually end up dating one or the other

Comments

[heldc]

I just assume that anyone I get involved with knows a bunch of other people I know. OkCupid makes it true almost always.
It'd be kind of nice sometime to date someone who wasn't friends/dating/exes with people I've been friends/dated/exes with, but meh. As it is, I just go 'ok, X is involved with Y, and I think Y is a complete fucking idiot, so I should probably keep things very casual with X.'

[nminusone]

As it is, I just go 'ok, X is involved with Y, and I think Y is a complete fucking idiot, so I should probably keep things very casual with X.'

LOL I'm sorry! That does point out a weakness of poly, though. As relationships become longer and longer chains it becomes more and more likely you'll end up not too many degrees away from someone you think needs to be flocced.

[panthergirl]

Sorry, but yes, I have to agree. My preference is for someone far outside of my social circle, and as a rule, I've invited 3 maybe 4 people I've dated home to family. Family is sacrosanct, and no one gets to mess with them.

[nminusone]

Ok, I'm clueless and curious about why you seldom bring people to home to your family. What bad thing would happen? I'm much more familiar with people (adults, anyway) worrying that their family will scare off their date than worrying that their date will upset their family.

[malefica_v]

Depends which circle and which tangent. For instance, someone in one of the smaller hobby groups would be a bad bet - learned that the hard way. "Sex/dating is for now, [Hobby] is forever." Also, no dating anyone who's dated my nearest kin (there are funny near-miss stories). Also, no dating work folks, not even the really hot and totally brilliant ones.

That settles it. I'll date people from Far Away, sleazy strangers I pick up in dicey hotels and have anonymous witty naked repartee. THAT is a PLAN I can believe in!

[nminusone]

That settles it. I'll date people from Far Away, sleazy strangers I pick up in dicey hotels and have anonymous witty naked repartee. THAT is a PLAN I can believe in!

You should contribute to my upcoming book, "All I needed to know about relationships I learned from James Bond."

[brian1789]

One of the cons is that if/when you and they breakup, you're still in each other's social circles... and both have to just learn to cope with seeing each other frequently at events and with shared friends. This can be non-trivial given the messy train-wreck kind of breakup, or OK if it was amicable?

I was at a dungeon Saturday night, and at one point there were two exes and one former FWB of mine all playing (loudly) within about a 20-foot radius of where I was...

[hammercock]

Tangential to my social circle: How I ended up dating, and eventually marrying, trowa_barton. We knew a bunch of folks in common, just not each other. This has worked very well!

Inside my social circle: Something I've tried a couple of times, with varying success. My general rule of thumb is that the longer I know someone socially, the less likely I am to date them, generally because it means I've had more opportunity to watch them behave in ways that make me not want to date them. :-} This is a rule I ended up breaking to date ariesd, having known him for 3 years before he first asked me out, partly because I saw him trying very hard to improve the kind of partner he was to people in his life. Seems to be working so far!

[nminusone]

My general rule of thumb is that the longer I know someone socially, the less likely I am to date them, generally because it means I've had more opportunity to watch them behave in ways that make me not want to date them. :-}

I'm glad this is working out for you (in all seriousness!) but I'm not sure I get it. If I were in your shoes I'd reason like this: "People that I observe closely over time usually do something to disqualify themselves. Unless I have some good reason to think otherwise I should assume that people I *haven't* observed closely would do the same, if only I was around to see it." I suppose there's some logic that says "I can ignore flaws that I know exist as long as you don't rub my nose in them," but I guess I am more of a "Better the Devil you know" person.

This is a rule I ended up breaking to date ariesd, [...] partly because I saw him trying very hard to improve the kind of partner he was to people in his life.

Ok, now *that* logic I can totally understand! :)