ive kept rethinking about the right places to store my thoughts. the right people. the idea that not all thoughts are worth storing. but you never know until way later when you need to harvest and it's all a mess or empty ( Read more... )

the thing that makes me really sad is the turn from believing that someone is out there that i should meet, to the person i imagine i wanna spend time with doesn't exist. can't tell if it's an age/extrovert thing. it just feels like ah, i met everyone at this party and it's time to leave.

i'd gotten so paranoid for so long about this place that i always made sure to only ever log in via various incognito modes and things and always delete my history. but i forgot the ease of growing older and knowing that no one cares about you or your life or your long defunct long-ago secret journal. i can just use my browser and keep myself ( Read more... )

i thought i'd forgotten my password but i guess not ( Read more... )

3rd vomit draft done! now i just have like dozens of pages highlighted in red. but it finally feels within reach, this "first draft" of a screenplay idea i've sat on for almost a decade and have pushed out 400 pages worth of vomit drafts on. it's always stupid what works and doesn't work. and i can't justify the time spent, the output, the half ( Read more... )

i was able to do two months of true productivity. 2 vomit drafts of the script that's been plaguing me for almost a decade. ran up to 30k. clocked in a fast 12k a fast 24k, and then decided maybe i should hold off til i know my back isn't being permanently damaged ( Read more... )

tomorrow is the first anniversary of my mom dying. yesterday i moved her to a nice locker in the countryside. it's up this mountainous hill area an hour away, there's a nice modern building w lots of light, looking over steppes of gravesites and things. it's quite pleasant. but then again, she's just there, dead, ash, vacuum sealed in a pink cookie ( Read more... )

my dreams are more aggressively sad and processey. like waking up to simple phrases like "my life is a disappointment." in my head but then staying in bed til it shifts a bit to "how can i plan around this. i can feel at least, the tired processes trying to turn the useless into something. my brain is thus trying to help me make everything into ( Read more... )

everything is eerie and dead ( Read more... )

maybe failure happens only when you're quietly sad but ok w/ just surviving til the week is over. that's how the time adds up.

at least during constant existential panic when your face is on fire you try and douse the burning down.

whatever is going on, i imagine it can't last.