Done.

[noog]

My schedule was free tonight, and I didn't feel like hanging around home, so I spent my evening eating dinner, visiting, and generally being the dutiful family member with my grandmother and her friend Stan. For the most part, it was good-- I always enjoy when people make me dinner, and I'm just starting to learn to sew, so my grandma let me fuck

Comments

[amythyst]

I'm surprised you're not a member of gender_petition. Also, I'm trying to figure out how I'm gonna get you down here for a weekend or something...

[noog]

What? I am a member of gender_petition!

Re:

[amythyst]

Hmm...I didn't see it last night when I looked at your user info for something. My bad. :)

[noog]

*laugh* I think that's mostly due to the fact that I belong to so damn many communities with the word "gender" in them that picking out one community from the pack is somewhat difficult. When you sent me that comment last night, I spent some time scrutinizing my profile to make sure I was part of the community, and it even took me a bit of time to find it. (^_^)

[kitsunepixiemd]

I remember you telling me about the "no inner monologue" of your Mom and brother. My mother and grandmother are the same way. I think they just mumble about stuff because they don't like silent moments. I wonder, if no one is around to hear them, do they still mutter? :)

It is very difficult to get out of one's ethnocentric view...maybe it takes something like Zen enlightenment to get there. I know I'm far from that myself. Also, I'm very frustrated with my own grandparents' racism. I'd really like to know more about whether the rumor that my great, great, great grandmother was African is true or not, but my grandmother REFUSES to discuss it, since she obviously considers it something shameful (to be related to a black person, not to have enslaved/raped one).

Whatever they are, Adrienne, you are bound to do great things, and I hope your family will recognize and respect you for it.

[noog]

I know that my grandmother mutters when (she thinks) no one is around to hear her. If you're in the next room, not interacting with her in any way, she still carries on long audible discussions with herself. My mom and my brother are slightly better about it-- my mom will whisper to herself rather than mutter, and my brother... okay, my brother is almost as bad as my grandmother. (^_^)

Re:

[kitsunepixiemd]

That's funny. :D

[fionnghuala]

About the issue of struggling with your how-I-was-brought-up prejudices, I think everyone gets that. I sometimes hear these words fall out of my mouth that betray all kinds of terrible stuff, racism, classism, hell, much to my horror, even sexism. I think it comes from all kinds of cultural sources as well, especially humourous stuff and music.

But I've started to think that noticing you're having this inner struggle is the important thing - more important in some ways than being perfect. No one can be beautifully open-minded all the time, and you can't appreciate the unique experience of oppression for a group that you haven't had any contact with or know anything about.

The important things is that you are aware of what's happening and working on it all the time

[noog]

I understand what you're saying, but I question whether awareness is enough. Even knowing that I often default to racist and classist ways of thinking doesn't necessarily lead to my openly confronting and challenging those beliefs within myself. It's easier to ignore them, really, because I don't like to think of myself as anything other than beautifully open-minded all the time. I find myself identifying racist and classist assumptions in other people and in general social policy and not in myself, justifying my practices with the thought that if I can't necessarily be non-racist or -classist, I can at least be anti-racist and -classist. Dealing with the issue in this way is also sometimes called hypocrisy.

[fionnghuala]

hehe. That's true, I guess that awareness doesn't necessarily imply confronting it.

But you are writing about it in your journal, which is something ;)

[noog]

Perhaps. That remains to be seen, I suppose.

You'll know

[dolphingirl99]

Maybe the Toyko experience made you realize that the US is home not so much Portland. It could have been just that you missed people so much in Portland, and people seem to make us feel at home rather than a location so much. You struggle with being a professor and not being able to choose a location is the same struggle I had. What I came to was that no matter where I end up, I can always come home for a significant amount of time on vacations (just think of all the vacations professors have!) You will never be too long away from home, and maybe your conception of home will even change over time. Now, I'm not even sure if I see where my parents live as home anymore. Most of my friends don't live in the area or will be moving. Yes, part of me will always classify that as home or one of my homes because that is where my parents are

[noog]

I think the US is home to me, but also Portland. Granted, a lot of it is people, who unfortunately do things like move to other cities, but a lot of it is just the city itself. The culture, the places, the size-- all of it. I feel the same sense of... disjuncture, I suppose... when I spend long periods of time in parts of the US which are not Portland. I always want so badly to go back.

In all likelihood, I will apply to grad school this year, and then make a decision about whether to go the next year or defer for a year. I'd prefer to defer, but given that the economy is currently in the shitter, I may not have much of a choice in the matter.

I'm still making decisions about what I want to do with my life, as well. I may want to become a professor, sure. Or I may want to be a writer/editor for a feminist or queer-oriented publication. Or I may want to be some sort of social worker. Or, as I was discussing with Melanie last night, I might want to work at a college or university at a women's or LGBT center, as opposed to

[rinkhals]

I can sympathize with you about your family not understanding or agreeing with your world view. Both my parents have fairly recently demonstrated a certain amount of homophobia and stereotyping that a year or so ago I never would have expected from them, and both my father and grandmother have made it known that they simply don't believe in bisexuality. None of them know that I am bisexual and frankly I'm not sure if telling them would make it worse or better. The one time it almost slipped out my mother was so distraught that I felt the need to reassure her by lying about it, for her own safety.

I know you can't change your family's views to suit yours, but I hope you find yourself on more comfortable ground with them soon. Best wishes.

[noog]

Wow. It seems to me that in some instances, coming out as bisexual to one's family can be even harder than coming out as gay or lesbian. I identified as bisexual (don't anymore) when I came out to my parents, and I remember having a hell of a time finding resources for myself because all the coming out material seemed to assume that only gay people come out, or at least that bi people have no unique coming out concerns. It's hard enough to come out if you think your family will think your lifestyle is sick and wrong; it's another to think that your family won't accept you simply because they think you don't exist. Also, how does a bi person explain to their family that s/he feels a need to embrace a lifestyle that embraces bisexuality, when the family members might think it would be easier and better to just ignore one's same-sex attractions and only pursue members of the opposite sex? That's a big huge conundrum, I think.

Anyway. Best wishes to you too. (^_^)

[jinxremoving]

you just described pretty much everything i had to deal with when i came out to my family. but besides that, your post actually matched my own frustrations with family - the "bigger picture" stuff - and my parents' response to my coming out. y'know, we should talk about this more, like when i'm not stoned.

[noog]

Yeah... I keep meaning to respond to your letter, but I've been a terrible pen pal in the last few months. I will get on that, and in the meantime, I'll seek you out on IM. We should talk about this more. :)