[JE] [TJ7] Unsuitable

[notaverse]

Title: Unsuitable
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Characters: Jin, Yamapi (mentions of Kame/Jin)
Rating: G
Series: Transjinder
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 7,431
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Jin dresses up for work but finds his choices are not terribly appropriate.

A/N: Will make no sense whatsoever if you haven't read the rest in the series, which starts with Be Your Own Secret Girlfriend. Click on the series: transjinder tag for all the fics in this 'verse.

katmillia, I really wanted to write you some dorky KT+Pi comedy gen for your birthday, but it didn't get very far because my brain is refusing to let me move on from #transjinder, so have some random Jin issues instead. You deserve a lot better but I hope you have a wonderful birthday anyway. :-) Posting a little early so you don't have to wait till I get home from work tomorrow!


Unsuitable

Jin's reputation has never been squeaky clean when it comes to his love life, and it's not all rumours, but generally, he doesn't sleep with someone before the first date.

Generally. Trust Kame to be the exception to the rule.

Although most of what they did really was sleeping, all things considered. It wasn't the first time they'd shared a bed, not by a long shot, but there's a big difference between too many Juniors cramming into too few beds on a tour, and two men touching each other properly for the first time.

If Jin can still call himself a man. He thinks so, most days. Other days he's not so sure. He has mornings where he wakes up and shaves before he does anything else because he can't stand to see the stubble on his face, but he also has mornings where he couldn't give a damn about being clean-shaven and only bothers if he has to meet important people in suits. He has nights when he collapses into bed in whatever he's wearing, and nights when he wants to have something nice and soft against his skin so he changes into a pair of long white pyjamas, warm and comfy, and covered with gambolling puppies.

If the puppies aren't terribly girly they're not exactly manly either, not when said man is above the age of ten and is no longer having his clothes bought by his mother. The last item of clothing Jin's mother had bought him was a little red dress, and look how that had turned out. Jin doesn't often have overnight guests these days and when he does, the puppy pyjamas stay locked away in the bottom drawer. Kame would probably like them. Maybe he'll get to see them sometime.

Jin feels a little tingle of excitement when he thinks about it. Not the idea of Kame seeing him in cute pyjamas, but Kame sleeping over again. They could pick up where they left off in Kobe. He's not entirely sure what to expect, not in any great detail, and he doesn't really want to start looking at websites again because there's a lot of traumatic stuff on the Internet, but he figures at least he'll be with someone who knows about him, who won't give him weird looks for not wanting to be a total tiger in bed. They'll manage somehow.

But not today. Kame had gone straight home after they returned to Tokyo, because his laundry doesn't do itself, and he's going to be filming today. Jin doesn't have quite as early a start, has a pretty light day with just two interviews, but he still has to get up soon and make himself ready.

Today he knows before he even opens his eyes that it's going to be one of those days. It doesn't always work like that. Sometimes it takes him by surprise, like when he's out and sees children. It doesn't matter how badly behaved they are - they can be screaming babies and he'll still find them cute. He'll still want one so badly it hurts, and spend the rest of the day wishing he could have one of his own. If he were a female singer and fell pregnant, no one would think it was strange if he took a career break to be with his child. That doesn't happen so much with men, and Jin would want to be with his child all the time.

Not that he has the faintest idea what he'd tell his child, about how his or her daddy can be a lot like mummy sometimes. Those are thoughts best left for another day. Jin doesn't want to sit through interviews feeling broody again. They're going to be awkward enough as it is.

When he's in the shower he takes his time washing his hair, applying copious quantities of scented conditioner to compensate for all the treatments it's received over the years. He knows it will look lovely when it dries. His legs don't look quite so lovely but it's December - no one's going to see them anyway and he's not so sure how he feels about shaving them again. The smoothness feels sort of nice, but it feels weird, too, the way the fabric of his clothes presses directly against his shorn skin without being dampened by the fuzzy layer of hair.

His face is less of a question. He hasn't shaved for a couple of days so today it's a must. Today, Jin wants smooth, soft skin, and if his facial routine is less elaborate than Kame's he does at least own moisturiser. He rubs it in with his fingertips, skirting his eyes carefully as he watches himself in the mirror. People tell him he's beautiful - he hears it from the strangest places - but usually, he doesn't like to think about his face. He'd rather people liked him for his music than his looks.

Not today. He's going to be gorgeous. The FINE interviewer will take one look at him and be spellbound.

It's not a day to hide beneath baggy jeans and oversized hoodies. Jin does own jeans that fit, though they don't see the light of day that often, and he pulls on a pair of them now: pale blue with diamonds embroidered on the back pockets. He tucks them into knee-high brown boots, crisscrossed with gold buckles.

Top half's trickier. It's cold out there but he'll be warm inside, so he doesn't need to layer it too much. Long sleeves, maybe. Interviews always make him feel warm and irritable in any case. He rummages through his wardrobe to find a white V-neck trimmed with purple and gold around the neck and cuffs. It's tight, because it's not a guy's top and Japanese women are not the world's most endowed in the chest department, but it looks good on him.

He should match. He's got a couple of bottles of nail polish and one of them's gold, given to him by Aubree during the tour. Yellow gold nails. Shame he doesn't have any purple; he could alternate. He wipes away the excess with a tissue and waits impatiently for his nails to dry, tapping them on the tabletop. Kame would probably use a hairdryer, no time to waste, but Jin's not in such a rush to be early.

When it's safe to use his hands again he picks out earrings - nothing fancy, just a trio of plain gold hoops - and slips a pair of matching bangles over his left wrist. The friendship bracelet he adds afterwards doesn't match at all, but it's from Rina so it's more important than any precious metal. His little girl is growing up fast and soon, she might stop making them for him.

Jin debates for a moment whether to add make-up. His morning interview is exactly that, and the photos have already been taken. The afternoon one, he's not sure. He's got a message somewhere from his manager, but he can't find it anymore and all he remembers is the time and place. Maybe he's doing pictures too, in which case anything he does might be wiped off and re-done by a make-up artist.

He'll risk it. He doesn't need to make himself up to feel more feminine, but he likes the sense of completion he gets when he sees himself in the mirror, that he's becoming both someone else and more of himself. Some days it's enough just to have one item, like a ring or a bracelet, a discreet reminder of the feelings he harbours. Some days he needs to go the whole hog.

He puts the finishing touches on his face and checks himself out in the full-length mirror. Not bad, not bad. He doesn't think he's likely to pass for a girl except in dim lighting, or maybe with total strangers, but that's not the point. The point is: he feels good about how he looks today. Half a year ago he couldn't even have said that. Kame's helped him this far along and Jin's grateful for it.

Half a year ago he'd have dressed up like this, then wiped it all away before leaving his apartment. Today he's driving himself to his interviews just as he is. One thing he has learned from Kame, though - keep a change of clothes handy. The jeans and boots will do, but he throws a plain sweatshirt in his bag, adds in eye make-up remover, cleanser, cotton wool and a pocket mirror. Nail polish takes too long to remove so he throws in a pair of light gloves, ones he could conceivably wear indoors as a fashion statement rather than the thicker pair he wears to fight off the December chill.

On goes the panda scarf. While Jin has the choice of many, now he's home, he likes wearing the one Kame bought him on the weekend. It reminds him he didn't fall asleep and dream the whole thing.

There's not much in his kitchen right now - he'd meant to go shopping on the weekend, but deciding to kidnap Kame and drag him off to Kobe had put paid to that - so if he wants to do something about the gnawing in his stomach, he's going to have to stop off somewhere. Starbucks would normally be his first choice, but...

Jin takes a deep breath and resettles the scarf so it covers his lipstick. The coat conceals his shirt, and there's nothing strange about young guys wearing eyeliner on the streets of Tokyo. Part of him thinks this is fine, he's going to walk into that coffee shop the same way he's going to walk into that interview, get his coffee and something to eat, and be on his way.

The other part of him thinks that would be a bad idea. Fangirls stalk Starbucks for him and he really doesn't want to stop and have a conversation at the moment. Wanting people to see him, not wanting people to see him...he struggles with it till he starts his car, then decides to opt for prudence and stop at a Family Mart instead for a can of coffee and an onigiri. Jin never says a word and the clerk barely looks at him.

He eats in the car, parked outside FINE's offices, and double-checks his lipstick in the mirror before venturing inside. It's easy to be confident in the privacy of his own home. Anywhere else is another matter. He's been gradually introducing changes in his image for months now but it's different when he's in a crowd of people, surrounded by glamorous, eccentric members of the entertainment industry. This will just be the two of them, probably some smooth, polite magazine flunky in a suit, and Jin with his purple and gold trim. No one to hide behind.

The receptionist takes his name and outerwear and asks him to wait for a moment while she calls Kinomoto to come collect him. Jin barely has time to sit down and pull out his iPhone before Kinomoto appears - a smooth, polite magazine flunky in a suit.

A female one.

She looks a little older than him, maybe by a few years, with a bright smile and inquisitive eyes that scan every inch of him before she even says a word. Jin fidgets under her gaze, suddenly feeling exposed. Perhaps he shouldn't have worn such clingy clothes.

It's like being back on the set of Anego, walking around with beautiful older women in sophisticated suits and masks of make-up. He follows Kinomoto to a small room containing four easy chairs and a coffee table, and not much else.

"I thought we'd be more comfortable here than in an office," she says. "Would you like something to drink?"

Jin's not sure he wants more coffee sloshing around in his guts, not when he can feel himself tensing up. "Some water would be great, thanks."

He takes a seat, waits for her to return with water. There's a recorder on the table, next to one of those wallets that holds notebooks, pens, and anything else an enterprising young businesswoman would need. It's basic black, but there's a pink cat sticker in the corner, the lone touch of individuality.

"Here you go." Kinomoto sets a pair of glasses down on the table. "I hope sparkling's okay."

"It's fine, thank you." Jin takes a couple of sips and wishes she wouldn't keep looking at him. Maybe he should've worn a hat.

They make a little small talk, with her thanking him for his time while he asks her to look after him, and Jin's stomach settles with the routine familiarity of it all. Kinomoto consults her notebook for a moment and, after nodding at him, starts the recorder. "Let's start with something easy. You're obviously a busy man but did you have time to celebrate Christmas with someone special?"

It's probably not a good idea to say just how special his Christmas was, so Jin compromises with a partial truth. "I took a trip to Kobe for a couple of days with a friend, did some sightseeing. It was nice to get away somewhere quiet for a while."

Kinomoto leans forward. "Kobe, hmm? Sounds romantic. With a girlfriend?"

More like "as a girlfriend", except not really. Jin laughs and waves his hands. "No, a guy friend. But we did have to share a hotel room, and he's a lot tidier than me, so it was kind of like being away with a girl."

"It's good to have friends like that." Kinomoto grins at him and he gets the feeling that behind the pristine suit is a woman who likes to kick off her heels and lounge around the house in her underwear. "It's been a busy year for you, hasn't it? Shows in America and Japan, being signed by Warner, your first solo single, a collaboration single with a top American artist, the release of your first solo album."

"It's been incredible." Jin's not lying. All of it has come at a cost, not just his to pay, and occasionally he worries that it was too high. He can't say it wasn't worth it, though. He knows just how fortunate he's been. "I'm very grateful to everyone for the opportunities I've had."

"So what's in the plan for next year? How would you like to take things further?"

Jin always has things he wants to do in the future, but he's not particular about the timing. "I want to take my music out to even more people. It would be good to do a tour of Asia, and I'd love to try doing shows in Europe too."

"So you can practise your Spanish?" Kinomoto asks, startling Jin.

"I...uh...don't really speak much Spanish..."

"You seem to manage well enough on Twitter. Your followers have to be trilingual to keep up; that's not bad for a guy who used to receive dictionaries from fans."

"There's a difference between messing around with my friends and addressing people properly, though. I've still got a lot to learn, with English too." The more time Jin spends with Warner executives, the more he realises that he seriously needs to improve his business English. His friends can't help him much in that department. "I've got so many words in my head that sometimes the things I say don't come out the way I mean. I get stuck with Japanese when I spend too long speaking nothing but English; I would love to be fluent in other languages but I don't think it's going to happen any time soon."

"So we can't expect any Spanish duets with Shirota Yuu, then?"

Jin raises his fingers to his mouth and laughs. "Maybe I'll play the guitar in the background."

"And just collect the money afterwards?" Kinomoto's amused too.

"Exactly." Jin lowers his hands again, crossing them in his lap; knees together, ankles slightly turned out, the very picture of modesty. He wants to leave a good impression behind when he walks away from this interview.

Kinomoto asks him the usual questions, about what he's learned from his experiences this year, any personal challenges for next year, anything he'd like to do differently. None of it is complicated - Jin knows the things he's supposed to say, knows where he's supposed to make jokes and where there's room for the truth. There are truths he can't tell yet, though. Things he's learned about himself, about Kame, and about the two of them together. Those won't make it into this interview.

When they're done, Kinomoto switches off the recorder and sits back in her chair. Jin relaxes too, now that it's over and he doesn't have to try to sort through words in his mind to figure out replies in the correct order. His water's almost finished; he's going to have to visit the bathroom before he leaves.

Before he can ask where it is, Kinomoto says, "I have to ask you about that shirt."

Jin's heart skips a beat. "W-what about it?"

"It's lovely! Where did you get it?"

"Um...I bought it in Marui, I think."

He's not very good at remembering specific brands for stuff he doesn't buy regularly, unlike Kame, who has them all memorised and actually travels to other countries just for Fashion Weeks. Jin's clothes fall into three separate categories: stuff he wears when he has to look smart for work or formal occasions; stuff he wears to be comfortable and he doesn't care what it looks like; and stuff he wears to look pretty. He owns a lot more in the last category now than he used to.

"I'll have to keep an eye out. I see you're keeping with the 'yellow gold' theme." Kinomoto wiggles her fingers and Jin looks down at his gleaming nails. He wishes the edges were a bit neater.

"My life's still gold, and I'm not planning on changing my skin colour any time soon," he jokes.

"I'm sure your fans will be glad to know that."

Kinomoto thanks him for his time and directs him to the bathroom when he asks. Jin makes his way down the corridor, has one hand on the door to the men's room when it's pulled away from him by an older gentleman, who blinks up at him and says, "Miss, you want the next door along."

Jin's first impulse is to correct him, because the guy looks like he's about seventy and his eyesight's probably not that great, but before he can even open his mouth the old man's pointing at the door to the ladies' room and it doesn't seem like he's going to take no for an answer. He won't even budge from the doorway until Jin reluctantly takes a few steps in the right direction. It had better be unoccupied.

Much to Jin's relief, there's no one in the room and he darts into a stall before anyone can walk in and call him a pervert. This is ridiculous. He takes care of business as quickly as he can and rushes to wash his hands, but freezes when he hears the door open behind him.

It's Kinomoto.

"I said the third door on the left, not the fourth," she says.

"Uh..." Jin scratches his neck and gives her a sheepish smile. "I was going into the men's room, and then this old guy came out and insisted I come in here and it didn't seem like he was going to give up until I did, so..."

Kinomoto blushes. "I suppose he thought you were..."

"Yeah." Jin shrugs. This is nothing if not awkward. "Can't really blame him."

"Not really."

"With the make-up and stuff."

"I'm sure it happens to idols all the time." Kinomoto's staring at the floor now. "Because you have to dress up like this."

"Goes with the job." There's no dryer, the towel dispenser is empty and Jin doesn't have any tissue, so he wipes his hands on his jeans. "Which I'd better be getting back to."

Kinomoto nods. "Of course. I'll walk you out."

Jin wraps himself up for the outdoors, keeping a pleasant smile fixed on his face until he reaches the safety of his car. He'd bang his head on the steering wheel if he didn't think it would hurt. He's never been sure about previous situations where he's apparently been mistaken for a girl but this one's a sure thing. That's a first.

Just been directed into the ladies' room by an old man, he mails Kame. Hope your morning is going better.

Kame must be on a break, because the reply comes within seconds. As long as he didn't follow you inside, my morning is going fine.

No need to get jealous; he must've been at least seventy, Jin replies. Older people are your thing, not mine.

Kame responds with, And jealousy is your thing, not mine.

Jin can't argue with that. He's given Kame plenty of reasons to be jealous over the years, though he didn't know it, but Kame's never been possessive. Jin, on the other hand, has never quite been able to keep certain territorial instincts from flaring up when Kame spends too much time in someone else's company, no matter how innocent the scenario. He's been that way since they were teenagers, since the days when they stuck to each other like glue, and even when they weren't on speaking terms those feelings refused to go away.

He used to think it was a little creepy, maybe. Now he wonders if it was just his subconscious trying to give him a message, one that took years to finally sink in. This thing with Kame, he's not sure where it's going, but he thinks he'll have fun finding out.

Are you busy tonight? he sends.

We're filming till late, sorry, Kame replies. Got to go now.

Jin should be going too. With the traffic it takes him nearly forty minutes to reach the studio, and he has to run up the stairs because the lift's out of order. Good thing he's not wearing heels. The first person he sees when he reaches the top is the last person he expected to see today.

"You made it with two minutes to spare," Yamapi says. "Sit down before you die."

The bench is tiny; Jin sits down next to his best friend and attempts to catch his breath. When he removes the scarf, Yamapi stares at his lips for a moment, then turns away.

"Didn't realise you were involved too," Jin says when he can speak again.

"You didn't know we're doing a cross-talk?"

"Popeye's sales flagging again, huh?"

Yamapi shrugs. "Must be. All I know is, they're giving us beer and making us wear suits."

For a moment Jin's mind turns happily to the thought of beer, but then the rest of the sentence sinks in. This means they're going to be taking photos. His bag is back in the car and there's no way he has time to do anything with it before they're needed.

"Do suits and beer go together?"

"Beer goes with everything." Yamapi finally looks at him. "Are you wearing a dress under that coat?"

Jin smacks him lightly across the back of the head. "With these jeans?"

Yamapi rubs his head. "Just checking. I don't know, how am I supposed to tell? I saw all the make-up, and..."

He hasn't seen much of Jin when he's been all dressed up. Jin's been very careful not to give himself away when out with friends, because most of them don't know, and he really doesn't want to hear Ryo tell him his nice new shirt makes him look fat. It's hard to know what to say to them, tough to predict their reactions. He doesn't want to lose anyone, but sometimes it feels like he's losing himself by hiding away in the shadows.

This might be the shortest cross-talk ever.

Yamapi's not the only one who's not sure what to say to Jin today. The photographer staggers back a couple of steps when he sees Jin without his coat and scarf and sends him off to have half his face removed. Reluctantly, Jin lets them scrub the nail polish from his fingers while they brush the life out of his hair, and by the time they're done he feels like a shop-window dummy.

They dress him up in a nice navy suit with plain white shirt and red tie, shiny shoes for that smart, salaryman look. Not that Jin could fit into the business world if he tried, not with his hair, which they tie back in a low ponytail. He has to remove his earrings and bangles, and even the friendship bracelet has to go. No unauthorised colour allowed. He stares at himself in the mirror and wishes he didn't look so washed out.

Yamapi at least has more colour, the charcoal suit complementing his tanned skin. He looks like he's about to do one of his laptop CMs: smooth, suave, sophisticated.

Jin feels like a kid wearing his dad's suit - awkward and out of place. He tries to relax on the couch with a bottle in his hand, the idea being that here are a couple of young salarymen just back from a hard day's work, unwinding at home. Ties are loosened, jackets are casually slung over the back of the couch. They try to ignore the photographer snapping pictures and occasionally calling out instructions. There are other staff members around too, giving them topics for their talk and recording their conversation. It's hardly a relaxing drinking session but they're used to it, and if the beer is a prop at least it's a decent one. They only get one each.

The first topic is Christmas, of course. Jin takes a hefty swig before he starts. Yamapi is not a fan of Christmas so it's down to him. Might as well be consistent today.

"I went away for the weekend with a friend," he says. "We did some sightseeing in Kobe; went round the harbour, tried to do Kitano-cho but the houses were shut by the time we got there."

"So that's why you didn't answer my mails!"

Oops. Jin vaguely recalls receiving them, but somehow had never got around to replying. Kame had been too much of a distraction. "You send the same drunk 'Christmas sucks' mails every year; I figured you could just look at the replies I sent you last year."

"I don't keep your mails around that long." Yamapi's tone implies that were Jin perhaps a girlfriend, his mails might still be around.

"I'm deeply wounded." Jin pouts over the rim of his bottle.

Yamapi grins and takes a sip from his own. "I should be the one feeling wounded. I was home all alone while you were having a romantic weekend away!"

There's giggling from the corner, where a staff member is enjoying the fanservicey implications. Jin doesn't turn to look. Flirting with men is something he's been trained to do by work, though now he has to wonder how much of it actually comes from inside. They have an easy, comfortable relationship, the two of them, but there's still that look Jin received when he first arrived.

He tries to smile back. "I didn't go with a girl!"

"Ah, it was that kind of trip, huh?"

"It was just nice to take a break somewhere a little quieter. Tokyo's so bright and busy right now, and my friend needed to relax. He works too hard."

"I work hard too," Yamapi says. "We should take a trip together. It's been a while since we've been able to spend time together, hasn't it?"

"Let's go to Korea again," Jin suggests. "It would be good if we could do a collaboration concert over there, wouldn't it? It would be like work and a holiday at the same time."

"You, me and Ryo-chan. He came to play at your concerts a few times this year, right? We could form a special unit for the occasion."

Jin can't see that decision going down well with NEWS fans, not with the complaints he receives on Twitter about how he should tell his best friend to do more activities with his group, but that's down to the agency and it's none of his business. "Do shows with lots of dancing."

"We could all do Seishun Amigo!"

Unplanned, the two of them raise their thumbs together and Jin thinks of another time, a Seishun Amigo peformance with the two of them, Ryo...and Kame. That Countdown might as well have been a lifetime ago. Jin still doesn't know if he's supposed to be attending this year's and he's almost afraid to ask. No one's told him anything, which means he's probably not expected to be there, maybe isn't allowed to be there.

The photographer asks him to roll up his sleeves, slouch a little more, spread his legs a little wider, try to look like there's a girl just off-screen waiting to crawl in his lap. Jin shudders, takes his time unbuttoning his cuffs. The hair on his arm stands out more than he remembers; he tries to smooth it away with long, bare fingers. He could be in a tank-top, a pair of swimming trunks, in a loincloth and it would be the same thing.

Yamapi's behind him, leaning casually against the couch with an unlit cigarette in his hand. "Okay?" he bends down to ask. "You got an itch?"

"No, I..." Jin looks down, realises he's still rubbing away at his arm. He wants out of this. It doesn't matter what he wears today: what the magazine wants from this shoot is something he can't give because it's something he doesn't feel. "Yeah." He forces his hand away. "I'm allergic to formal clothing."

Everyone laughs. The next topic thrown at them is music; the two of them compare their composition methods and Jin finally gets caught up in conversation enough to ignore how unsettled he feels in his own skin today.

Too bad it doesn't last for long. The final topic is masculinity; Jin thinks the universe is having fun at his expense. Yamapi talks about strength, both of body and of character, and the importance of being a gentleman.

"Of course it's natural to be nervous about new things," he says, winding down at last. "But I believe a man's pride will lead him to overcome that fear. No man wants to look bad in front of the woman he loves, right?"

He turns to Jin for agreement. Jin licks his lips and looks around the room, suit tightening around him to squeeze the breath from his lungs till it's as much as he can do to mumble that he needs to get some air.

There's a balcony leading off from the office next door. While everyone else heads for the bathroom or the vending machines, Jin escapes to the fresh air, flashing a grateful smile at the woman who lets him out.

Yamapi follows, sliding the door almost shut behind them so they have relative privacy. The first words out of his mouth are, "Are you getting sick again?"

"No; I feel fine." Jin rests his arms on the railings; the metal's cold and so is the air, but anything's better than the too-warm studio and the prickle of fabric against his skin.

"You haven't been here all afternoon." Yamapi's not giving up so easily. "Did you leave your brain in Kobe?"

Jin sighs, keeping his eyes fixed on the traffic below to keep the lie from showing. "I haven't been sleeping well the past couple of nights, that's all."

"Must've been some trip. Did you and Kame have fun?"

"Huh?" Jin whips around, frantically trying to remember if he ever mentioned his travelling companion by name. "How did you-"

"I saw him on Zoom In this morning; they went to the drama set and when they asked him how he spent Christmas, he said he went to Kobe for the weekend. I refuse to believe you didn't go together."

Great. Kame's said it on TV and Jin's now said it twice in magazines, which means everyone else will put two and two together. Still, as long as no names are mentioned, they can plausibly deny it.

But not to Yamapi. "Yeah, we went," Jin says, keeping his voice casual, like it's no big deal and didn't impact his love life in any way. "He needed a break from his insane filming schedule so I figured I'd be a caring friend and spring a surprise getaway on him."

"I'm glad you guys had a nice weekend." Yamapi edges closer, squinting. "You don't look tired, just...uncomfortable? Is the suit really that bad? Because mine kind of scratches a little but I didn't want to complain-"

Jin's had enough. "It's not the suit. The suit's fine. It just...doesn't fit me. Not today."

"You don't mean the cut, do you?" Of course Yamapi can read him. He doesn't always mention it, usually tries to get Jin out of it by teasing him, or distracting him with something fun, but this time he's not even bothering to try.

Jin's not sure whether he feels grateful or resentful for that. Bit of both, most likely. This is a conversation he's tried to avoid having with anyone, even Kame. It's going to be like tearing out pieces of himself and handing them over to be stomped on. "This shoot, it's..." He falters, tries again, this time going straight to the point. "If they want people to be 'manly' for the camera today, they should've got someone else because right now I feel like the biggest fraud in the world."

"I know you were dressed...differently when you got here, but-"

"It's not the clothes, Pi! I can't just switch it off by changing my outfit, or scrubbing the make-up off my face. There's nothing I can do about the inside." As expected, it hurts, but it soothes too. "It comes and goes and I just have to live with it."

Yamapi rests a hand on the rail, close enough to Jin's arm for Jin to take the comfort being offered. "Sorry," he says. "I don't...I didn't know. I'm still trying to get to grips with this.

"But I am trying. You know whatever it is, I'm with you one hundred percent, right?"

Jin smiles sadly, staring at the traffic again. "I know. And I know I can't expect you to be a mindreader."

"We already tried that when we were Juniors," Yamapi says. "I still think my psychic powers are stronger than yours."

"Oh yeah? Then what am I thinking now?"

Yamapi puts his fingers to his temples, closes his eyes and pretends to concentrate on extracting Jin's innermost thoughts. "Hmm...I see a dark void...a vacuum where no intelligent life exists..."

"Oi!" Jin elbows him, exasperated yet affectionate.

"I see...that you want to get this over with as soon as possible so you can get out of the stupid suit and stop playing up for the camera."

"Okay, I admit your psychic powers are strong. That's pretty close; you just missed the part where I want to shed my skin and start again."

No more teasing now. "Anything I can do to help?"

It's unnerving how the softening of his best friend's voice makes Jin feel a little happier about himself. "Yeah. Help me track down and kill whoever suggested 'masculinity' as a topic."

When they go back inside they manage to wrap things up fairly quickly. Jin picks up from Yamapi's point, agrees that he wouldn't want to look bad in front of someone he loved but also says he doesn't mind making fun of himself if it makes someone else happy; when entertaining kids, for instance. Talking about children is a mistake, he realises when he photographer takes out a photograph of his twin girls and Jin's heart comes very close to cracking with envy. They all coo over the picture, and Jin says the same thing he's said a million times before: he wants to have kids as soon as possible, can't wait to be a parent.

His longing must show on his face - someone calls out that they've got enough, that's it, it's over and thank you very much for your time. He makes all the right noises, hoping they come out in the right places, not really hearing himself.

It's a relief to be able to change back into his own clothes. He feels only half done, still washed-out, a jigsaw assembled without a few crucial pieces, but if he's not right, at least he's less wrong and that's a good start.

"Did you drive?" Yamapi asks as they reach the bottom of the stairs.

"Yeah; need a ride?"

"Please. I'm supposed to be meeting Keiko in Ebisu in less than an hour; no point going home first."

Yamapi has a nice girlfriend. Jin's forgetting what it's like to have one. Kame isn't one, no matter how many girly attributes he has, and Jin doesn't want to make him feel like he's being used as some sort of substitute. That's not the deal at all. Not that he knows what the deal is, exactly. He's thought about it a lot, the two of them together, but it's still weird for him. He's seen plenty of Kame's body over the years they've worked together, knows perfectly well that it's different to a girl's, doesn't know how it'll align with his own. Not yet. It'll be a learning experience.

He doesn't think it's one he wants to have with other guys. He'd never feel this way with Ryo, for instance: never lie awake at night wondering what it would be like to kiss him, to be held by him. The very idea makes him laugh, which steals Yamapi's attention away from the car's mp3 player.

"You've brightened up."

No way is Jin telling him why. "You don't want to know, trust me."

"Probably not, but tell me anyway. It's going to take a while to get through the traffic."

"No; I mean, you really don't want to know," Jin says, more firmly this time.

"I'm pretty sure there's a law on a stone tablet somewhere that says best friends aren't supposed to keep secrets from each other."

"Don't you already know enough of my secrets?"

"How am I supposed to know that if I don't know what the rest of them are?"

Jin's willing to concede that he might have a point, though the logic involved in determining what this point actually is shows every sign of breaking his brain. "Do you ever...do you ever think about the kind of people you're attracted to?"

Yamapi shrugs. "Every time I get asked what my type is. Why?"

"Because I'm...kind of...finding myself attracted to someone who isn't really like anyone I've been with before."

"You've started liking wallflowers?"

Jin almost drives through a red light when he checks to see if Yamapi is being serious. His smile says he's merely teasing.

"Do I even know any wallflowers? And no, not like that."

"Is this since...you know?"

There's always a lot of beating around the bush, but today it rankles that Yamapi can't bring himself to say it directly. Jin does it for him. "Since I started feeling like a girl, you mean? No, that was years ago. This is more recent. Less than a year."

"So your tastes changed. It happens. It's not like..." Yamapi pauses and nods. "How long has it been since you went out with a girl?"

"About..." Jin struggles to cast his mind back that far. "Eight, nine months?"

"And since then your tastes have changed. It's not hard to work out. So did you and Kame share the bed too, or just the room?"

If they weren't stopped at a light, Jin would've driven straight into the car in front. "I don't know what you think you know, but-"

"Our Shuuji-kun likes men, but you probably already know that."

"I know," Jin says quietly. "How do you know?"

"We talked a lot when you went to LA the first time. He didn't want you to know how stressed out he was getting - he figured you'd have enough problems of your own to deal with, you didn't need the added guilt."

"And you're telling me this now to make me suffer years later?"

"I'm telling you this now so you know how much he cares about you. I doubt he remembers what he said to me - I'd had so much to drink, I'm surprised I remember it."

It's not fair. Jin's not supposed to be the last person to find out. "Five years and you didn't even think to mention it to me?"

"Not my secret to tell. And would you have listened back then?"

Kame said something similar. Jin's aware that he's become a lot more flexible in his thinking since spending so much time abroad, with friends from all walks of life, but hadn't realised the difference would be so noticeable. He gives Yamapi the same answer.

"Probably not."

"I asked him months ago if there was something between the two of you and he denied it."

"Kame wasn't lying," Jin says. "If you asked him today...I'm not sure what the answer would be."

Yamapi's knowing smirk suggests he knows damned well what the answer would be, thank you very much, and he's pleased with the outcome. Jin wants to be cross with him but it's impossible to work up the enthusiasm for it. "Fine, fine, you know everything; are you happy now?"

"If you're happy, I'm happy," Yamapi says. "Simple as that. Did it ever occur to you, in the middle of all your fretting, that maybe your tastes haven't changed that much? Kame's prettier than most of your ex-girlfriends."

"But he's still a guy."

"So's Tegoshi but when he dresses up he's a knockout as a girl."

Jin tries not to think about Tegoshi in drag. He's seen pictures. They do interesting things to his stomach. "He looks okay, I guess. That doesn't mean I want to sleep with him."

"I don't think he'd look twice at you either, but that's none of my business."

"None of this is your business."

"Making sure you don't beat yourself up over things you can't change is definitely my business. You're a lot more fun when you relax."

Light words with heavy intent. Jin knows what he means and loves him for it, though he won't say so outright. They've never had to.

He drops Yamapi off as close as he can get to the restaurant he wants and heads back towards home. He's got a lot to think about. Is that it? Is it just that his mind has conveniently decided Kame's enough like a girl to pass? If that's the case, is he suddenly going to find half the males in his generation attractive? Or at least the ones in the entertainment industry?

Jin hopes not. He hadn't fully understood what Kame told him before, about how gender and sexuality were linked but separate. He thinks he's starting to now. Kame probably has all this figured out. He knows what he likes. Jin, apparently.

He doesn't know much about Kame's love life. Kame's even more closemouthed than Ueda, who likes to keep his a complete mystery (and to be honest, no one really wants to know), and all Jin has is a couple of vague impressions of days when Kame came into work with even more of a spring in his step than usual, and the smile of one who's had a most satisfactory night. He'd always assumed it was thanks to a girl - or an older woman, more likely - because Kame had never so much as hinted that it might be otherwise.

Now, Kame says he only sees men. So...what does that make Jin? Or has Kame known him for so long that he doesn't see him as anything else?

When Jin overshoots his apartment building by half a block, he decides it's for the best if he doesn't try to untangle the complexities of his relationship with Kame while he's on the road. He's got enough thoughts to keep him driving all the way back to Kobe.