[JE] [TJ9] One Man's Darkness is Another Man's Light 1/2
Title: One Man's Darkness is Another Man's Light 1/2
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Kame x Jin
Rating: R
Series: Transjinder
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 18,000
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Warnings: Consent issues, blindfold, roleplay
Summary: Jin and Kame try to spend some quality time together for the first time since Christmas, but Kame's drama causes them more than just scheduling problems.
A/N: As you can see, warnings on this one as the series goes in a slightly darker direction for a bit. Let's just say Kame takes his work very, very seriously. Many thanks to
threewalls for the handholding.
Since LJ is kind of flaky these days I'm now mirroring everything over at AO3, including this fic.
One Man's Darkness is Another Man's Light 1/2
It's 2012 before Kame knows it, one year closer to Jin's yellow gold future. They don't have a chance to exchange more than a few mails before the year turns, not when Kame's filming schedule and rehearsals for Countdown combine to render him incapable of anything more than the most basic actions required for survival. He manages to phone Jin before Countdown starts, because Jin's not going to be there and Kame's not sure if it's because he doesn't want to be or isn't allowed to be, but they're all planning on going out afterwards for the first shrine visit of the new year and it would be nice if Jin could join them.
To Kame's surprise, Jin's mum answers his phone to explain that her eldest son is currently buried under a mountain of blankets and small, fluffy dogs, and not likely to manage movement unless the house catches fire. She doesn't mention illness, which makes Kame suspect a hangover. He leaves a message with their plans, just in case Jin wakes up in time, but realistically, if Jin doesn't sleep straight through he's more likely to meet up with his non-Johnny's friends.
That's okay; Kame doesn't mind. They've already done Christmas - have to save some clichés for next year, after all.
Assuming there's a next year. Kame's having to make a lot of assumptions, the most significant being that he and Jin are actually together. Jin hasn't said anything further on the subject since their return from Kobe, save a brief mention of jealousy in a mail, and Kame figures he wouldn't even be teasing about that if they weren't... Or maybe he would, because Jin's always been like that, for as long as Kame's known him.
Countdowns aren't as much fun as they used to be, with everyone split over different locations, but they still manage to enjoy themselves singing senpai songs and politely pretending not to notice how drunk the members of TOKIO are before the show even starts.
KAT-TUN perform 'Behind the Light' in black and silver, Kame with his hair tied back in Nishikawa's little ponytail till he shakes it out to make the audience scream. He and Koki are the only ones with enough hair to do that at the moment, as Ueda's is still growing back after his prison drama, Nakamaru has vowed never to let his hair grow long enough for that again, and Junno is currently sporting a look more commonly seen on Korean pop stars.
Jin has enough, of course. Kame used to find it amusing, how someone so set on being seen as a cool, manly guy, always wanted to keep his hair so long. He understands why, now, and really, short hair doesn't do Jin any favours. Part of it, Kame's sure, is that Jin likes having it long enough to tie back in a ponytail so he doesn't have to do anything with it. Idol hair can be so high-maintenance.
Not unexpectedly a message from Jin never comes, and Kame greets the new year without him. Despite being up all night he's not tired when the first sun of 2012 rises. He watches it from his balcony, with Ran curled around his neck and Jeri in his arms, and wonders if Jin's still buried under a layer of blankets and dogs.
The third episode of Split airs the second day of the new year. Kame catches a few minutes of it, watches himself steal a set of priceless carved wooden bangles and give the camera the kind of smile usually seen on serial killers. It's a little creepy; he hopes his niece isn't watching.
By the time the fourth episode airs, he and Jin have managed to find a free couple of hours in which to see each other. For once it's not his schedule that's the problem but Jin's, as he's appearing in the PV for RIZE's new single. It's unorthodox, to say the least, and not quite the image Jin's going for, but he owes Kaneko one for 'Paparats' and the agency has grudgingly agreed that it would be good exposure.
"We didn't finish till after midnight," Jin says through a mouthful of noodles. It's ten at night now, and they're holed up in a tiny udon place in Roppongi, hoping no one will find them between the manga café on the one side and the adult movie store on the other. "I'm playing a singer."
"How novel," Kame says dryly. "How on earth did they come up with that idea?"
Jin kicks him under the table. It doesn't take much; they have next to no legroom anyway. "A singer in a wheelchair, who has all these big dreams about the PVs he'd like to make, and the kind of concerts he'd like to do, if he hadn't broken his back. You get to see all the dreams, too."
"No wonder it took so long to film."
"Uh..." Jin smiles, a trifle embarrassed, and lets a piece of onion slip through his chopsticks. "I had a bit of trouble steering the wheelchair; it took a while for me to get the hang of it. There's a cameraman out there who's lucky to still have all his toes."
Kame comes this close to spraying broth all over them both.
It's not an ideal "first date"; it's pouring with rain outside, the restaurant is cramped enough that the people at the next table are practically sitting on their laps, and Kame's so exhausted he'd actually contemplated turning down Jin's suggestion of grabbing a quick dinner in favour of a few extra hours of sleep.
But there's no telling when they'll next have time even for a meal, so Kame doses himself up with coffee and cold, clear water and hopes he doesn't fall asleep in his food.
He's not terribly successful.
"Sorry," Jin says after Kame shakes himself awake for the twentieth time. "This was a bad idea, wasn't it? I just wanted to make sure you were getting enough food - I guess I should've been more concerned with you getting enough sleep."
Kame gives him a tired smile and leans forward to limit the risk of being overheard. "It's okay, really. I...I was hoping to see you sometime this month. Tonight's as good a time as any."
It's always the same when he's filming a drama. He's got Split, Going! and his radio show alone, the usual photoshoots, interviews, and a weekly TV show with the rest of KAT-TUN. Something has to go, and that something is usually sleep. It's a good thing Nishikawa's supposed to look increasingly haggard over the course of the series, and Kage is always filmed in dim light.
He can't do what he'd like to do, which is lean further still, rest his head on Jin's shoulder and take a nap, so he settles for rubbing their ankles together under the table. He can tell when Jin notices because his eyes begin to gleam. Too bad he doesn't have the energy to follow up on it, and even if he did, he's got an early start next morning.
Jin understands that too, because when they're done eating, he bundles Kame into a taxi and sends him home without so much as suggesting that they go somewhere else.
It's another couple of weeks before they see each other again. Kame has a million other things to do with his Sunday and manages to get them all done before Jin emerges from his family dinner and asks if he has any time. There's nothing overtly weird about the mail but Kame has his suspicions anyway, and when he reaches Jin's apartment and finds him scrubbing away lipstick, those suspicions are confirmed.
"Good meal?" Kame asks, perching on the edge of the bathtub while Jin attacks his face in the mirror.
"Great food." Jin throws another used wipe in the bin. "My mum's cooking is the best."
"So I remember."
Jin's a little less savage when it comes to wiping away his eye make-up, if only so he doesn't blind himself. His face is red by the time he's done and Kame's not sure how to ease his embarrassment. It's obvious things didn't go smoothly at dinner - does Jin want him to ask? He can't tell.
Eventually Jin throws him out the bathroom for a couple of minutes, emerging with hair slightly damp around his face and water stains on his plain grey T-shirt.
"Are you sure you want company?" Kame says. "I can go-"
"Don't." Jin sinks down on the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest. Mickey Mouse socks peek out from beneath the hems of his worn, comfortable jeans. "I need to be around someone who's not going to stare at me for wearing lipstick."
Kame joins him, debating internally about whether or not it's okay to wrap an arm around Jin's shoulders. It's probably safe, he decides, and Jin looks like he could use the comfort. "Aren't your family used to seeing you in make-up?"
"Yeah, but not when I'm not at work." Jin snuggles up against Kame's side. "Nobody said anything, but..."
"Were you dressed like this?"
"Yeah."
If Jin were a rabbit, he'd be burrowing right into Kame's ribs about now. Kame pets him anyway, stroking his hair while he seethes in silence, as if troubles can be smoothed away as easily as tangles. It still feels weird to be doing this so casually. They've not touched much since Kobe. The readiness with which Jin accepts him warms Kame inside, kindling a small fire just waiting for any excuse to ignite.
"I think Dad finally believes me," Jin says at last. "He said he's fine with it, that it's not a problem, but I don't think it really hit him until tonight."
Kame likes Jin's wacky family. He still gets odd, random mails from them every so often, in a mix of languages, with strange photographs attached. The Akanishi household has always been filled with love and laughter, arms open to all.
"I'm sure he means it when he says it's not a problem. He just needs a little time to get used to it."
"I was there for three hours," Jin mumbles. "Think that's long enough?" Kame massages the back of his neck in response, and he continues, "The funny thing is I'd actually gone straight from work, that's why I was made up in the first place. I changed back into my own clothes before I left but I was running late, so I didn't take the make-up off."
That explains the contrast between clothing and cosmetics, anyway. Kame can't comment, not when he's been keeping secrets from his family too, but short of showing up at his parents' house hand-in-hand with Jin (which he's done before, as a teenager, but for different reasons), he can't replicate the situation. He'd like to tell them, sometime, but he'd like to know what to tell them, and for that, he needs something more from Jin than being "friends with benefits".
Not that they've had time for the "benefits", which Kame is painfully aware of when he's got enough energy to care. He throws so much of himself into work, he's normally drained enough not to notice, but when work eases up...
"I kept catching him looking at me," Jin says, seemingly oblivious to the way Kame's squirming to bring them closer together. "Not, like, disgusted or anything, just curious."
"Maybe your dad's got questions?"
"I've still got questions," Jin says. "I wish he'd just ask. I'm embarrassed enough as it is."
"They're your family. They've seen you embarrassed plenty of times."
Jin grins. "They've been the cause, plenty of times."
"I'm sure they can say the same about you. That's what families are for."
"Come with me next time. Then they can quiz you instead."
"Oh no." Kame shakes his head. "As much as I like your family, I don't fancy letting them give me the third degree.
"Besides, I can't tell them what you're feeling, or why. That's for you to do."
Jin grumbles but can't deny it, though he does point out that he's not exactly sure of the 'why' himself.
"It doesn't matter why," Kame says. "You're here: that's the important part."
"This is my home - where else would I be?"
That's not what Kame was getting at, but it doesn't matter, and if Jin's looking for someone he can whinge at, well, Kame can be that person. He is, after all, the best candidate for the job. He'll get his own back when the drama finishes and he can deconstruct the entire experience over drinks - no names mentioned, of course, but he's got a few horror stories to tell that weren't in the script.
He's also got a few suggestions for good places for Jin to be - his lap being one of them - but it doesn't look like Jin's in the mood, much to Kame's disappointment. The signals are either being misread or ignored completely, and he can't get much more blatant than the hand he's got on Jin's thigh.
It's probably for the best. He doesn't want to push, and there's no rush.
Jin does things in his own time, which turns out to be about two in the morning after a night of curling up with Johnny Depp movies turns into an invitation for Kame to stay over - and later, an invitation for something else, shyly offered when Kame's about to give up and go to sleep. Jin has cute puppy pyjamas, Kame discovers. They're going to need a wash now.
Maybe Jin prefers it in the dark, Kame doesn't know. Maybe it's easier if he can't see he's not with a girl, though it's not a pretence he could maintain for long, not with Kame grinding against him. Jin moves with less restraint than before, some of his hesitance gone, and Kame likes that too, that he seems sure about this.
They still can't see each other but Kame won't be the first to switch on the light. If he does, maybe Jin will vanish, like midnight's fairy by morning's light. It's a silly, fanciful thought but he has a lot of those about Jin - has done ever since they were Juniors together and Jin, with his eyes set on the stars, seemed like the eighth wonder of the world.
His invitation is nothing more elaborate than a whisper, a few murmured words while he draws Kame near enough to hold him, a cat rubbing up against the furniture. It's not the kind of invitation Kame's ever going to turn down, not from Jin, and this works well enough for them, half-dressed fumbles in the dark, skin growing slick as they slip and slide together towards completion. They steal kisses between frantic breaths and Kame thinks that right now, it doesn't matter if he's not getting enough oxygen because if he's going to die young, this isn't such a bad way to go.
Afterwards Kame makes a half-hearted attempt at cleaning them up, because his inner neatfreak is screaming at him, but it's too late for the sheets, the tissue-box by Jin's bed is almost empty and he doesn't feel inclined to switch on the lights to hunt for a replacement. Next time, he'll bring wetwipes.
In the morning Kame scrambles to get home in time so he doesn't have to show up at the set in yesterday's clothes. Not that anyone will know, but he prefers to feel clean and fresh, ready to start a new week. Jin's still half-asleep when Kame leaves, but he wakes up enough to mumble, "I could get used to this," when Kame leans down to kiss him goodbye.
"That makes two of us," Kame says, ruffling Jin's messy bed-hair once before dragging himself away. It's too tempting just to get back under the covers and spend the morning lazing around in the warmth. Jin is bad for his work ethic.
-----
Jin likes that Kame doesn't mind if he's hesitant, if he doesn't rush straight ahead with only one thing on his mind. Part of it's down to not having been with guys before - he thinks maybe it should be easier, since they've got the same equipment, but what feels good for him might not feel good for Kame, and he wants it to be good for Kame. Wants it to be amazing for Kame, because after all these years he's probably built up a lot of anticipation and the competitive nature they share means Jin refuses to be a disappointment.
The other part of it...well. That's the part that usually ends up sabotaging his relationships with girls. He'd rather be touched than touch: doesn't mind touching, once he's comfortable, but till that point he's not sure where to put his hands, what to do with his tongue. Oh, he knows how to please a woman - has done so successfully in the past - but what pleases him is a little different. He's biologically male, after all, and that's something he can't get around.
They can figure it out together, he and Kame. They managed okay in Kobe, clutching each other in the dark hotel room, early on Christmas morning. It's the new year now and Jin wants to try it again in the light, wants to see the expression on Kame's face when he's turned on for real, not just for the cameras.
He finally gets to see it on Kame's couch, where a thinly-disguised run-through of Kame's lines for tomorrow turns into the make-out session they both knew was coming.
"I think you're sitting on my script," Kame mumbles when they come up for air.
Jin shifts to the left, hears the telltale crinkle of paper. "Forget about it. You're word-perfect already."
"Only on Kage's lines. I still need to work on Nishikawa's."
"Who?" It takes Jin a minute to remember Kame's playing dual roles this time around. He still hasn't managed to catch a full episode of the show, but he's pretty sure Kame's doing a good job. He's Kamenashi Kazuya - it would kill him to do otherwise. "Oh, the cop. Do you have to do that now?"
"Some time before morning would be nice." Kame plants a kiss just next to Jin's ear. "There's only one scene I haven't got down yet, between Nishikawa and Tamai. Guess who you get to be?"
"The one who looks hot in leather?"
"And I don't?" The next kiss has teeth, a gentle nip of the sensitive skin along Jin's throat, and it makes him shudder.
"Oh, you do, but that Nishikawa's kind of a dork..."
Kame laughs, warm puffs of air against Jin's neck, and gropes around the couch cushions - and Jin, who is considerably more responsive than the furniture - until he finds his missing pages. They're a bit battered but he won't need them for much longer. That suits him just fine; the less he has to learn, the more time he can spend with Jin. They don't have many chances to get together at the moment and he'll take it wherever he can get it.
"Nishikawa's not quite the same guy he was at the start of the series," Kame says. "You'll see." He pushes the bundle of paper at Jin. "I've got a long black wig around here somewhere if you want to get into character."
"Why have you..." Jin shakes his head. "I don't want to know. I'll pass on the wig, thanks. They itch."
He hopes this won't take long. Kame's other hand has been resting on his hip for the last ten minutes, fingers idly toying with the belt loops on his cargo pants and every so often wandering up beneath his T-shirt, and he's starting to feel frustrated. Kame's hectic schedule means they see little enough of each other as it is; Jin feels like they're wasting time now - time they could be putting to better use. He doesn't want Kame to hold back on his account.
Kame detaches himself from Jin and turns so his back's to the couch arm and he can't see the script anymore. Reluctantly, Jin looks down at the first page. He's up first.
"You weren't bad out there today," he says, trying to sound flippant. "For a second, you almost looked cool."
Kame - no, Nishikawa - glares at him with such fury that Jin wonders if he's made a mistake, if he's started reading from the wrong page - or worse yet, he's reading Nishikawa's lines and not Tamai's. But his fears prove to be groundless when Kame snaps, "We almost had him. If only Satou-san hadn't insisted on going himself-"
"You couldn't have gone!" Jin snaps back. "I didn't even know where you were till Satou was lying on the ground with a knife in his chest, and suddenly you were there, trying to keep him alive!"
"Great job I did of it," Kame says bitterly. "It was Kage, I know it, and Satou-san saw him. He tried to tell me as he died. If I'd been there just a minute earlier..." He wipes imaginary blood from his hands, a souvenir of his doomed attempt to keep Satou from bleeding out. "He wasn't fast enough - wasn't young enough. I should've been the one walking into that shrine."
"Or me." Jin's sneering now. "But they wouldn't let a girl go in, even if she can kick their asses. All I could do was cover from the outside, without you there. So where were you, partner?"
Kame groans, which alarms Jin until he realises it's in the script. So far, Kame hasn't flubbed a single line. "I went back to the hospital. Dr. Watanabe wanted to talk to me about the blackouts again. I couldn't...I couldn't say anything in front of the others. If anyone finds out-"
"No one's going to find out." Jin makes a zipping gesture over his lips. "It's this case, that's what it is. You and I, we want this guy so bad we can barely sleep for thinking about it; cracks are bound to come out somewhere. After we nail Kage you'll be fine, I know it."
"Fine?" Kame laughs, the harsh sound scraping across Jin's eardrums leaving grooves in its wake. "A quarter of Shadow Unit died today - in my arms. The vase is still missing, Kage's still out there and I'm still losing hours of my life because according to you, I'm cracking under the strain of this case. Thanks, Tamai. Thanks so much for all your loving support."
The script calls for Tamai to take a swing at Nishikawa's jaw, because she's not a face-slapping kind of girl. Jin's not into domestic violence so he taps Kame's chin lightly with a closed fist, just for atmosphere; Kame breaks character for a moment and giggles, which makes it difficult for Jin to say his next lines seriously.
"You didn't kill Satou. I'm sorry the old man's dead but no one could've saved him, and if you hadn't managed to get there when you did, he wouldn't even have had the comfort of a familiar face in his final moments. We couldn't have got across there in time. You have to accept that!"
"But the hospital was right there by the shrine," Kame says. "If I'd left five minutes earlier-"
"The knife would've been in your chest, not Satou's," Jin says. "We knew Kage was willing to kill. Now we know he's willing to kill a cop. Are we going to let him get away with that?"
"No." With a single word, Kame manages to lower the temperature in the room to below freezing. He meets Jin's gaze and holds it with a cold, fierce intensity that makes Jin glad he's not actually in this drama. The silence lingers on...
...And that's when he realises Kame has no clue what the final line is. He'd been doing so well, too.
"We take?" Jin prompts, and Kame quickly picks up the thread.
"We take care of our own."
The smile he gives Jin is Kage's, not Nishikawa's: teeth like knives, sharp enough to kill. The notes on the script say Tamai responds in kind, but when Jin does, it's less the smile of a co-conspirator and more that of someone who's just realised his boyfriend is kind of hot when he's dangerous. Kame really should've started playing villains years ago, Jin decides.
Then the shadow disappears, leaving Kamenashi Kazuya, anxious professional, trying to peek at the script without letting on that he's doing it. Jin deliberately curls it away so he can't see.
"Please tell me that was the end?"
"Don't break character," Jin says. "You've got another page to go. Don't tell me you've forgotten the rest of your lines?"
Kame's face freezes in horror until he realises Jin is only teasing. He steals the script back and hits Jin with the rolled-up pages until Jin puts up his hands and admits that Kame did pretty well, right up to the end.
"And you have a killer smile," Jin adds. "By which I mean I would totally take you seriously as a knife-wielding murderer."
"Kage's a thief," Kame says. "All the deaths are sort of incidental."
Not much comfort to the families of the victims, but true. Kame's been keeping count. Kage's never planned to kill anyone, mostly because it increases the risk of him being caught and because he can never guarantee when he's going to have control over the body he shares with Nishikawa Hikaru, but there have been a few occasions where he's had to do so to save himself. Museum guards, a shopkeeper with the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and finally one of the police officers assigned to his capture. The last thing Kage can afford is to have Shadow Unit discover his identity; had Satou not seen his face, the poor man might've survived till the end of the series.
Kame wonders, occasionally, if it's a bad thing to derive so much pleasure from playing a character like Kage. Kage's not perfect - could be, if he didn't have Nishikawa dragging him down - but that's what makes him intriguing to Kame. There's a constant state of flux - two characters in a single body, influencing each other with every second that passes - and Kame loves that he can vary his performance each time. He's not playing some cardboard cut-out hero, he's not playing an angsty romantic lead with parent issues. This is a role he can fly to the stars and back.
Nishikawa doesn't know about himself, yet. Kame doesn't know what's going to happen in the final few episodes but he's been told Tamai finds out first. It ought to be excruciating. Kame just hopes it doesn't end with a suicide. He wouldn't put it past Nishikawa to do the honourable thing and forcibly do away with his shadow self.
On the other hand, Nishikawa may have changed so much by the end that he's able to live with it. In which case, Tamai will be the loose end. Kame's looking forward to a few good showdowns between himself and Meisa. She's an old hand at making the sparks fly.
"This series isn't going to have a happy ending, is it?" Jin asks.
All Kame can do is shrug his shoulders. "Probably not. One of my characters thinks he's losing his edge right now, and the other one thinks he's losing his mind."
"Been there; done that."
Jin still sounds bitter, but Kame's fairly certain he doesn't believe he's going crazy anymore. He can understand why, though. It's hard to keep living day to day when you feel like an uninvited guest in your own body sometimes. Jin's not good at describing how he feels and Kame's not skilled enough to coax the words from him, but he's getting better at recognising when Jin's unsettled.
He just doesn't know how to fix it.
"Your mind is just fine where it is," he says, brushing aside bangs to plant a kiss right in the centre of Jin's forehead. "Not lost at all."
"Most days." It's all the agreement Jin's willing to give. It's true that he no longer feels like he's drowning; a strange, solitary creature being sucked down by a whirlpool of weirdness when he'd once sailed the seas of normality. If he ever feels himself slipping, Kame's right there to remind him he's not alone, not doing anything wrong. Jin can't even begin to put a value on that.
On the other hand, there are days when Jin's so at war with himself he can't talk to anyone about his feelings, not even Kame. He's learned to accept, now, that this is who he is, but acceptance doesn't make it any easier to deal with walking this tightrope.
"How about today?" Kame says, teasing. "Where's your mind today?"
Jin teases right back, more than willing to be lured away from the fringe. "On Nakamaru, of course. Don't you think he's become really good-looking this year?"
That earns him another whack with the script. "Oi, you're not supposed to be complimenting other men when you're snuggled up on my couch! Although..."
It alarms Jin when Kame trails off wih a speculative look. "You're not about to tell me you think he's gorgeous, are you? Because I was just kidding."
"I know," Kame says, "but I was wondering what you really think."
"About Nakamaru?"
"About men in general."
"Same as ever, I guess." Jin scratches his neck, suddenly awkward. He has an idea where this is going. Maybe Kame and Yamapi have been talking behind his back again.
Kame laughs and leans to the side so his head lies on Jin's shoulder. "Sorry; it was a stupid question."
"Not so stupid. I mean, if you'd told me a year ago we'd be making out on your couch, I'd have laughed at you."
"Yeah, about that..." The deep, dark velvet in Kame's voice tells Jin they're done reading lines for the night. "I'd probably have laughed too, but for different reasons.
"Or maybe the same one. It's got to be weirder for you than it is for me."
Jin's not so sure. "I think this is plenty strange for both of us."
"In my line of work I find it more strange when a man isn't in make-up."
"I'm not talking about the make-up. It's...well...everything else."
"We'll figure it out." Kame speaks with such confidence, Jin can't help believing him. "Whatever you need from me, it's fine."
"Don't." Jin can't pull away because Kame's leaning on him, but he shudders and that makes Kame move anyway. "Don't make this all about what I want, what I need. I'm not your charity case, Kame."
"I know that, but-"
"I'm not convinced you do!" It surprises Jin, this small seed of resentment that has apparently been planted somewhere inside and is now blooming as he speaks. He's not angry, exactly, but if he doesn't get this off his chest now, he never will, and then everything will be wrong between them. They've always worked so well together because they balance each other out, both striving for the same thing in opposite ways, and Jin doesn't want to lose that equality now. "You're allowed to think about yourself too, you know. You deserve to have what you want - I'm not some orphaned toddler, or a porcelain doll sitting on your shelf! You've spent so long convincing yourself I'm off-limits that half of you still believes it."
Kame sits up straighter, stares at Jin in disbelief. "I'm trying to be considerate, okay? This is new territory for me too."
"I've never seen you do anything with a challenge except meet it head-on. You can do the same this time."
"I'm trying!"
"Then stop trying to plan every single detail and let yourself go for once!"
Jin expects Kame to yell back at him, or maybe to stand up and deliver a lecture through clenched teeth. What he doesn't expect is to find himself flattened against the back of the couch, Kame's knees either side of his thighs, Kame's hands tangling in his hair to keep him still, Kame's strawberry-stained lips pressing against his own. He doesn't object, though; on the contrary, the heat that suddenly flares in his belly suggests he's quite enjoying himself.
"Better?" Kame asks, pulling back just enough that the two of them can see each other without going cross-eyed.
"Much better." Jin locks his arms around Kame's back, just in case there's any doubt, and says, "More."
"I thought I was supposed to be ignoring your needs?"
"Not when they match yours." Jin gasps, tries to catch a breath when Kame's fingers brush his collarbone. That's one need he definitely doesn't have. "Hey!"
"Sorry, sorry."
Kame's verbal apology pales in comparison with his physical one, which involves a lengthy exploration of every inch of exposed skin he can find, hands and mouth working together to map out those tiny hollows into which a curious tongue might dip, or those smooth, flat plains just begging to be marked. Jin's right, Kame thinks. He's not off-limits now. Kame doesn't have to watch his step, watch his every move for fear of giving himself away, the way he's had to do for years. He can touch freely now. Jin's offering this because he wants to, not because he thinks Kame's owed it, because he thinks this is payment for all the support and encouragement he's received. What can Kame do but graciously accept?
It's better with Jin, he thinks, even if it's complicated. He's been with men before who assume that because he's short and lightly built, he'll let them lead. Not many, because he's careful about his encounters, and most people who know him well enough to know his preferences also know how much he enjoys being in control in all aspects of his life, but enough that he's become adept in persuading them otherwise. It doesn't look like he'll have to do that with Jin, who encourages him with light, subtle touches; a nudge here or there when he wants something, nothing overt.
It's a while before Jin really warms up to it, with slow, languid responses that Kame could mistake for laziness if he didn't know better. The initial flash of urgency is gone now. Kame wriggles out of his flannel shirt, tempted to do the same with the T-shirt below before he passes out from the rising temperature. Jin's already flushed - but then, anyone would be, if they had Kame testing out dance moves on their lap.
"I think I know this routine," Jin says, giggling.
"You should; it's one of yours." Kame hums a few bars of 'Pinky'.
"Now all I need is Koki in a skirt and high heels." Jin pulls a face. "Or maybe not. I think he'd ruin the mood."
"Would I be an acceptable substitute?"
"Huh?"
It takes Jin a moment to realise what Kame's getting at; the penny doesn't drop until Kame slides off the couch and grins up at him from the floor, one hand on each of Jin's knees. This is new: not to Jin, nor to Kame, but to the two of them together.
Jin swallows thickly, wondering what might have happened between them on the stage if it had been Kame in the skirt and wig. "Yeah...I think you'll do."
-----
Kame's mouth proves to be no less skilled than his hands, not that Jin ever doubted it, and it's not so weird to think he's with a guy when it's Kame's eyes sparkling up at him from beneath dark, tousled bangs. It's almost hotter with Kame, actually, because Jin knows he's with someone who's spent so long wanting him, who knows him as well as he knows himself - better, in some ways - and likes him for himself, not because he's a celebrity.
It doesn't take long, because Jin's been working up to this all evening and he's got no reason to hold back. He can't reciprocate in kind, not yet, but Kame makes it clear he's not expecting anything in return and seems pleasantly surprised when one of Jin's hands works its way inside his pants. Pleasant surprise gives way to gasping enthusiasm, followed by heavy, sleepy contentment, Kame's muscles slack and relaxed, breath slowly evening out as he comes back to himself.
Jin's still learning his way around, not quite accustomed yet to how different this thing with Kame is from every other relationship he's had in his life. Different parts, for one thing. If going down on girls comes easy to him, he can't say the same for guys. He'll get there, he's sure, but for the moment he's still trying to wrap his mind around the notion. It helps that he can see Kame now. The lounge lights hide nothing; although Kame's still mostly dressed, it's all too obvious that he's male, and Jin doesn't get that weird, disconnected feeling where he can't tell who he's with or what he's doing with them.
Seems like Kame picks up on it too, because afterwards he says, "Does it make a difference, in the light?"
"Um..." Jin scratches his shoulder, not certain how to phrase his response. "Yeah. I mean, I like being able to see you. Not just...you know...when you come, but so I know...that it's you, I guess. That I'm not with a girl this time, so things are different, and..." He trails off, because Kame looks confused and that's not good because Kame needs to be sure.
"Jin, is it...is it a problem for you, that I'm male?" Kame says, slow and cautious. "It's okay if it is - I mean, not okay, but-"
"It is not a problem," Jin says firmly, punctuating his declaration with a kiss that leaves them both breathless. When they separate, he continues, "I said it was going to take me some time to get used to it, and it is. But I am. Uh...it's you."
Kame's grin turns impish. "Yep, it's me, unless you'd prefer to be making out with a stranger on my couch. I could probably accommodate you, if you were into that."
"I'd rather know who I'm with, thanks."
"Even when it's with someone who's not a girl? I'm not operating under any illusions here, Jin." Kame slips into serious speech mode; Jin can tell because he looks like he's about to deliver a lecture for the camera. "Realising that you're transgender doesn't mean your preferences have suddenly changed. If you'd shown any serious interest in men before - more than casual flirting - I wouldn't have been so surprised."
The casual flirting's always been there, a consequence of growing up in an industry where hordes of women pay good money for fanservice, but some of it, Jin realises now, is down to trying to get men to see him differently. Sometimes it works for him. Older male directors love his "beautiful vulnerability": the more messed up and ethereal he looked while filming BANDAGE, the more Kobayashi-san liked it.
"It's not like I'd never thought about it," he admits. "I think everyone who goes through Johnny's does, sooner or later. It's like a rite of passage or something. First sequinned jumpsuit, first lipstick, first time you get paid to snuggle up with another guy and come out of it feeling a little weird.
"And we do know an awful lot of beautiful people."
"Some of them, not so much without the make-up," Kame says, laughing and pointing to his own face. He's not wearing any now, of course, and he's got the beginnings of a spot forming on one cheek that will be covered for the camera, but Jin thinks he's gorgeous anyway. The natural look suits Kame best, happy in his own skin.
"You don't need the make-up," Jin says. "You're pretty enough without it."
"Pretty like a girl?" Kame raises an eyebrow. "Is that why?"
"That's what Yamapi thinks."
"He knows?"
Oops. "He...uh...he guessed," Jin says. "I couldn't lie to him. Is it okay?"
"I'm glad, actually. It's not something you should have to hide from your best friend. He asked me about it a while ago and I didn't have anything to tell him, but now..." Kame shrugs. "If he knows, there are probably some other people we should tell."
Jin knows who he means. "I'd be surprised if they haven't figured it out already."
"If they have, they haven't said anything," Kame says. "Valentine's Day is in a few weeks; I'd have expected some teasing by now."
"Maybe they're waiting till February starts. Then we'll get questions about who's making the chocolate."
Kame snorts. "If Pi thinks I'm girly enough to be your girlfriend, they'll probably assume it's me."
"You can cook," Jin points out. "That's why it should be you."
"Would you settle for a Valentine's curry?"
"Trying to spice up your love life?"
"Oh, I think with you in the picture, it's spicy enough already..."
"Valentine's Day isn't just for girls in America," Jin says. "But I still can't cook very well."
"That's okay. I didn't fall for you for your skills in the kitchen."
"I think it's safe to say no one has ever fallen for me for my skills in the kitchen."
"You can do more with your kitchen than just cook." Kame's eyes and voice both take a turn for the dreamy; Jin assumes he's recalling some fond memory. When Kame actually blushes, Jin assumes the memory involves more fondling than fondness, and nudges him in the ribs to snap him out of it. He'd really rather not take a trip down memory lane with Kame's exes.
"Show me sometime?" he suggests.
Kame shakes his head and laughs. "I don't think you'd appreciate the ice cubes."
The mere mention of ice has Jin shivering. He'd rather soak up the sun. "Forget I spoke."
"With Koki and the others, should we...?" It's unlike Kame to sound so hesitant, but this is something that affects both of them. It's not a decision he can make by himself.
The more people they tell, the more weirdness they'll have to deal with, Jin thinks. Especially from the people who know about him. Very few of his friends are familiar with the concept of tact. "After Valentine's Day," he says.
Part 2
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Kame x Jin
Rating: R
Series: Transjinder
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 18,000
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Warnings: Consent issues, blindfold, roleplay
Summary: Jin and Kame try to spend some quality time together for the first time since Christmas, but Kame's drama causes them more than just scheduling problems.
A/N: As you can see, warnings on this one as the series goes in a slightly darker direction for a bit. Let's just say Kame takes his work very, very seriously. Many thanks to
threewalls for the handholding.
Since LJ is kind of flaky these days I'm now mirroring everything over at AO3, including this fic.
One Man's Darkness is Another Man's Light 1/2
It's 2012 before Kame knows it, one year closer to Jin's yellow gold future. They don't have a chance to exchange more than a few mails before the year turns, not when Kame's filming schedule and rehearsals for Countdown combine to render him incapable of anything more than the most basic actions required for survival. He manages to phone Jin before Countdown starts, because Jin's not going to be there and Kame's not sure if it's because he doesn't want to be or isn't allowed to be, but they're all planning on going out afterwards for the first shrine visit of the new year and it would be nice if Jin could join them.
To Kame's surprise, Jin's mum answers his phone to explain that her eldest son is currently buried under a mountain of blankets and small, fluffy dogs, and not likely to manage movement unless the house catches fire. She doesn't mention illness, which makes Kame suspect a hangover. He leaves a message with their plans, just in case Jin wakes up in time, but realistically, if Jin doesn't sleep straight through he's more likely to meet up with his non-Johnny's friends.
That's okay; Kame doesn't mind. They've already done Christmas - have to save some clichés for next year, after all.
Assuming there's a next year. Kame's having to make a lot of assumptions, the most significant being that he and Jin are actually together. Jin hasn't said anything further on the subject since their return from Kobe, save a brief mention of jealousy in a mail, and Kame figures he wouldn't even be teasing about that if they weren't... Or maybe he would, because Jin's always been like that, for as long as Kame's known him.
Countdowns aren't as much fun as they used to be, with everyone split over different locations, but they still manage to enjoy themselves singing senpai songs and politely pretending not to notice how drunk the members of TOKIO are before the show even starts.
KAT-TUN perform 'Behind the Light' in black and silver, Kame with his hair tied back in Nishikawa's little ponytail till he shakes it out to make the audience scream. He and Koki are the only ones with enough hair to do that at the moment, as Ueda's is still growing back after his prison drama, Nakamaru has vowed never to let his hair grow long enough for that again, and Junno is currently sporting a look more commonly seen on Korean pop stars.
Jin has enough, of course. Kame used to find it amusing, how someone so set on being seen as a cool, manly guy, always wanted to keep his hair so long. He understands why, now, and really, short hair doesn't do Jin any favours. Part of it, Kame's sure, is that Jin likes having it long enough to tie back in a ponytail so he doesn't have to do anything with it. Idol hair can be so high-maintenance.
Not unexpectedly a message from Jin never comes, and Kame greets the new year without him. Despite being up all night he's not tired when the first sun of 2012 rises. He watches it from his balcony, with Ran curled around his neck and Jeri in his arms, and wonders if Jin's still buried under a layer of blankets and dogs.
The third episode of Split airs the second day of the new year. Kame catches a few minutes of it, watches himself steal a set of priceless carved wooden bangles and give the camera the kind of smile usually seen on serial killers. It's a little creepy; he hopes his niece isn't watching.
By the time the fourth episode airs, he and Jin have managed to find a free couple of hours in which to see each other. For once it's not his schedule that's the problem but Jin's, as he's appearing in the PV for RIZE's new single. It's unorthodox, to say the least, and not quite the image Jin's going for, but he owes Kaneko one for 'Paparats' and the agency has grudgingly agreed that it would be good exposure.
"We didn't finish till after midnight," Jin says through a mouthful of noodles. It's ten at night now, and they're holed up in a tiny udon place in Roppongi, hoping no one will find them between the manga café on the one side and the adult movie store on the other. "I'm playing a singer."
"How novel," Kame says dryly. "How on earth did they come up with that idea?"
Jin kicks him under the table. It doesn't take much; they have next to no legroom anyway. "A singer in a wheelchair, who has all these big dreams about the PVs he'd like to make, and the kind of concerts he'd like to do, if he hadn't broken his back. You get to see all the dreams, too."
"No wonder it took so long to film."
"Uh..." Jin smiles, a trifle embarrassed, and lets a piece of onion slip through his chopsticks. "I had a bit of trouble steering the wheelchair; it took a while for me to get the hang of it. There's a cameraman out there who's lucky to still have all his toes."
Kame comes this close to spraying broth all over them both.
It's not an ideal "first date"; it's pouring with rain outside, the restaurant is cramped enough that the people at the next table are practically sitting on their laps, and Kame's so exhausted he'd actually contemplated turning down Jin's suggestion of grabbing a quick dinner in favour of a few extra hours of sleep.
But there's no telling when they'll next have time even for a meal, so Kame doses himself up with coffee and cold, clear water and hopes he doesn't fall asleep in his food.
He's not terribly successful.
"Sorry," Jin says after Kame shakes himself awake for the twentieth time. "This was a bad idea, wasn't it? I just wanted to make sure you were getting enough food - I guess I should've been more concerned with you getting enough sleep."
Kame gives him a tired smile and leans forward to limit the risk of being overheard. "It's okay, really. I...I was hoping to see you sometime this month. Tonight's as good a time as any."
It's always the same when he's filming a drama. He's got Split, Going! and his radio show alone, the usual photoshoots, interviews, and a weekly TV show with the rest of KAT-TUN. Something has to go, and that something is usually sleep. It's a good thing Nishikawa's supposed to look increasingly haggard over the course of the series, and Kage is always filmed in dim light.
He can't do what he'd like to do, which is lean further still, rest his head on Jin's shoulder and take a nap, so he settles for rubbing their ankles together under the table. He can tell when Jin notices because his eyes begin to gleam. Too bad he doesn't have the energy to follow up on it, and even if he did, he's got an early start next morning.
Jin understands that too, because when they're done eating, he bundles Kame into a taxi and sends him home without so much as suggesting that they go somewhere else.
It's another couple of weeks before they see each other again. Kame has a million other things to do with his Sunday and manages to get them all done before Jin emerges from his family dinner and asks if he has any time. There's nothing overtly weird about the mail but Kame has his suspicions anyway, and when he reaches Jin's apartment and finds him scrubbing away lipstick, those suspicions are confirmed.
"Good meal?" Kame asks, perching on the edge of the bathtub while Jin attacks his face in the mirror.
"Great food." Jin throws another used wipe in the bin. "My mum's cooking is the best."
"So I remember."
Jin's a little less savage when it comes to wiping away his eye make-up, if only so he doesn't blind himself. His face is red by the time he's done and Kame's not sure how to ease his embarrassment. It's obvious things didn't go smoothly at dinner - does Jin want him to ask? He can't tell.
Eventually Jin throws him out the bathroom for a couple of minutes, emerging with hair slightly damp around his face and water stains on his plain grey T-shirt.
"Are you sure you want company?" Kame says. "I can go-"
"Don't." Jin sinks down on the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest. Mickey Mouse socks peek out from beneath the hems of his worn, comfortable jeans. "I need to be around someone who's not going to stare at me for wearing lipstick."
Kame joins him, debating internally about whether or not it's okay to wrap an arm around Jin's shoulders. It's probably safe, he decides, and Jin looks like he could use the comfort. "Aren't your family used to seeing you in make-up?"
"Yeah, but not when I'm not at work." Jin snuggles up against Kame's side. "Nobody said anything, but..."
"Were you dressed like this?"
"Yeah."
If Jin were a rabbit, he'd be burrowing right into Kame's ribs about now. Kame pets him anyway, stroking his hair while he seethes in silence, as if troubles can be smoothed away as easily as tangles. It still feels weird to be doing this so casually. They've not touched much since Kobe. The readiness with which Jin accepts him warms Kame inside, kindling a small fire just waiting for any excuse to ignite.
"I think Dad finally believes me," Jin says at last. "He said he's fine with it, that it's not a problem, but I don't think it really hit him until tonight."
Kame likes Jin's wacky family. He still gets odd, random mails from them every so often, in a mix of languages, with strange photographs attached. The Akanishi household has always been filled with love and laughter, arms open to all.
"I'm sure he means it when he says it's not a problem. He just needs a little time to get used to it."
"I was there for three hours," Jin mumbles. "Think that's long enough?" Kame massages the back of his neck in response, and he continues, "The funny thing is I'd actually gone straight from work, that's why I was made up in the first place. I changed back into my own clothes before I left but I was running late, so I didn't take the make-up off."
That explains the contrast between clothing and cosmetics, anyway. Kame can't comment, not when he's been keeping secrets from his family too, but short of showing up at his parents' house hand-in-hand with Jin (which he's done before, as a teenager, but for different reasons), he can't replicate the situation. He'd like to tell them, sometime, but he'd like to know what to tell them, and for that, he needs something more from Jin than being "friends with benefits".
Not that they've had time for the "benefits", which Kame is painfully aware of when he's got enough energy to care. He throws so much of himself into work, he's normally drained enough not to notice, but when work eases up...
"I kept catching him looking at me," Jin says, seemingly oblivious to the way Kame's squirming to bring them closer together. "Not, like, disgusted or anything, just curious."
"Maybe your dad's got questions?"
"I've still got questions," Jin says. "I wish he'd just ask. I'm embarrassed enough as it is."
"They're your family. They've seen you embarrassed plenty of times."
Jin grins. "They've been the cause, plenty of times."
"I'm sure they can say the same about you. That's what families are for."
"Come with me next time. Then they can quiz you instead."
"Oh no." Kame shakes his head. "As much as I like your family, I don't fancy letting them give me the third degree.
"Besides, I can't tell them what you're feeling, or why. That's for you to do."
Jin grumbles but can't deny it, though he does point out that he's not exactly sure of the 'why' himself.
"It doesn't matter why," Kame says. "You're here: that's the important part."
"This is my home - where else would I be?"
That's not what Kame was getting at, but it doesn't matter, and if Jin's looking for someone he can whinge at, well, Kame can be that person. He is, after all, the best candidate for the job. He'll get his own back when the drama finishes and he can deconstruct the entire experience over drinks - no names mentioned, of course, but he's got a few horror stories to tell that weren't in the script.
He's also got a few suggestions for good places for Jin to be - his lap being one of them - but it doesn't look like Jin's in the mood, much to Kame's disappointment. The signals are either being misread or ignored completely, and he can't get much more blatant than the hand he's got on Jin's thigh.
It's probably for the best. He doesn't want to push, and there's no rush.
Jin does things in his own time, which turns out to be about two in the morning after a night of curling up with Johnny Depp movies turns into an invitation for Kame to stay over - and later, an invitation for something else, shyly offered when Kame's about to give up and go to sleep. Jin has cute puppy pyjamas, Kame discovers. They're going to need a wash now.
Maybe Jin prefers it in the dark, Kame doesn't know. Maybe it's easier if he can't see he's not with a girl, though it's not a pretence he could maintain for long, not with Kame grinding against him. Jin moves with less restraint than before, some of his hesitance gone, and Kame likes that too, that he seems sure about this.
They still can't see each other but Kame won't be the first to switch on the light. If he does, maybe Jin will vanish, like midnight's fairy by morning's light. It's a silly, fanciful thought but he has a lot of those about Jin - has done ever since they were Juniors together and Jin, with his eyes set on the stars, seemed like the eighth wonder of the world.
His invitation is nothing more elaborate than a whisper, a few murmured words while he draws Kame near enough to hold him, a cat rubbing up against the furniture. It's not the kind of invitation Kame's ever going to turn down, not from Jin, and this works well enough for them, half-dressed fumbles in the dark, skin growing slick as they slip and slide together towards completion. They steal kisses between frantic breaths and Kame thinks that right now, it doesn't matter if he's not getting enough oxygen because if he's going to die young, this isn't such a bad way to go.
Afterwards Kame makes a half-hearted attempt at cleaning them up, because his inner neatfreak is screaming at him, but it's too late for the sheets, the tissue-box by Jin's bed is almost empty and he doesn't feel inclined to switch on the lights to hunt for a replacement. Next time, he'll bring wetwipes.
In the morning Kame scrambles to get home in time so he doesn't have to show up at the set in yesterday's clothes. Not that anyone will know, but he prefers to feel clean and fresh, ready to start a new week. Jin's still half-asleep when Kame leaves, but he wakes up enough to mumble, "I could get used to this," when Kame leans down to kiss him goodbye.
"That makes two of us," Kame says, ruffling Jin's messy bed-hair once before dragging himself away. It's too tempting just to get back under the covers and spend the morning lazing around in the warmth. Jin is bad for his work ethic.
-----
Jin likes that Kame doesn't mind if he's hesitant, if he doesn't rush straight ahead with only one thing on his mind. Part of it's down to not having been with guys before - he thinks maybe it should be easier, since they've got the same equipment, but what feels good for him might not feel good for Kame, and he wants it to be good for Kame. Wants it to be amazing for Kame, because after all these years he's probably built up a lot of anticipation and the competitive nature they share means Jin refuses to be a disappointment.
The other part of it...well. That's the part that usually ends up sabotaging his relationships with girls. He'd rather be touched than touch: doesn't mind touching, once he's comfortable, but till that point he's not sure where to put his hands, what to do with his tongue. Oh, he knows how to please a woman - has done so successfully in the past - but what pleases him is a little different. He's biologically male, after all, and that's something he can't get around.
They can figure it out together, he and Kame. They managed okay in Kobe, clutching each other in the dark hotel room, early on Christmas morning. It's the new year now and Jin wants to try it again in the light, wants to see the expression on Kame's face when he's turned on for real, not just for the cameras.
He finally gets to see it on Kame's couch, where a thinly-disguised run-through of Kame's lines for tomorrow turns into the make-out session they both knew was coming.
"I think you're sitting on my script," Kame mumbles when they come up for air.
Jin shifts to the left, hears the telltale crinkle of paper. "Forget about it. You're word-perfect already."
"Only on Kage's lines. I still need to work on Nishikawa's."
"Who?" It takes Jin a minute to remember Kame's playing dual roles this time around. He still hasn't managed to catch a full episode of the show, but he's pretty sure Kame's doing a good job. He's Kamenashi Kazuya - it would kill him to do otherwise. "Oh, the cop. Do you have to do that now?"
"Some time before morning would be nice." Kame plants a kiss just next to Jin's ear. "There's only one scene I haven't got down yet, between Nishikawa and Tamai. Guess who you get to be?"
"The one who looks hot in leather?"
"And I don't?" The next kiss has teeth, a gentle nip of the sensitive skin along Jin's throat, and it makes him shudder.
"Oh, you do, but that Nishikawa's kind of a dork..."
Kame laughs, warm puffs of air against Jin's neck, and gropes around the couch cushions - and Jin, who is considerably more responsive than the furniture - until he finds his missing pages. They're a bit battered but he won't need them for much longer. That suits him just fine; the less he has to learn, the more time he can spend with Jin. They don't have many chances to get together at the moment and he'll take it wherever he can get it.
"Nishikawa's not quite the same guy he was at the start of the series," Kame says. "You'll see." He pushes the bundle of paper at Jin. "I've got a long black wig around here somewhere if you want to get into character."
"Why have you..." Jin shakes his head. "I don't want to know. I'll pass on the wig, thanks. They itch."
He hopes this won't take long. Kame's other hand has been resting on his hip for the last ten minutes, fingers idly toying with the belt loops on his cargo pants and every so often wandering up beneath his T-shirt, and he's starting to feel frustrated. Kame's hectic schedule means they see little enough of each other as it is; Jin feels like they're wasting time now - time they could be putting to better use. He doesn't want Kame to hold back on his account.
Kame detaches himself from Jin and turns so his back's to the couch arm and he can't see the script anymore. Reluctantly, Jin looks down at the first page. He's up first.
"You weren't bad out there today," he says, trying to sound flippant. "For a second, you almost looked cool."
Kame - no, Nishikawa - glares at him with such fury that Jin wonders if he's made a mistake, if he's started reading from the wrong page - or worse yet, he's reading Nishikawa's lines and not Tamai's. But his fears prove to be groundless when Kame snaps, "We almost had him. If only Satou-san hadn't insisted on going himself-"
"You couldn't have gone!" Jin snaps back. "I didn't even know where you were till Satou was lying on the ground with a knife in his chest, and suddenly you were there, trying to keep him alive!"
"Great job I did of it," Kame says bitterly. "It was Kage, I know it, and Satou-san saw him. He tried to tell me as he died. If I'd been there just a minute earlier..." He wipes imaginary blood from his hands, a souvenir of his doomed attempt to keep Satou from bleeding out. "He wasn't fast enough - wasn't young enough. I should've been the one walking into that shrine."
"Or me." Jin's sneering now. "But they wouldn't let a girl go in, even if she can kick their asses. All I could do was cover from the outside, without you there. So where were you, partner?"
Kame groans, which alarms Jin until he realises it's in the script. So far, Kame hasn't flubbed a single line. "I went back to the hospital. Dr. Watanabe wanted to talk to me about the blackouts again. I couldn't...I couldn't say anything in front of the others. If anyone finds out-"
"No one's going to find out." Jin makes a zipping gesture over his lips. "It's this case, that's what it is. You and I, we want this guy so bad we can barely sleep for thinking about it; cracks are bound to come out somewhere. After we nail Kage you'll be fine, I know it."
"Fine?" Kame laughs, the harsh sound scraping across Jin's eardrums leaving grooves in its wake. "A quarter of Shadow Unit died today - in my arms. The vase is still missing, Kage's still out there and I'm still losing hours of my life because according to you, I'm cracking under the strain of this case. Thanks, Tamai. Thanks so much for all your loving support."
The script calls for Tamai to take a swing at Nishikawa's jaw, because she's not a face-slapping kind of girl. Jin's not into domestic violence so he taps Kame's chin lightly with a closed fist, just for atmosphere; Kame breaks character for a moment and giggles, which makes it difficult for Jin to say his next lines seriously.
"You didn't kill Satou. I'm sorry the old man's dead but no one could've saved him, and if you hadn't managed to get there when you did, he wouldn't even have had the comfort of a familiar face in his final moments. We couldn't have got across there in time. You have to accept that!"
"But the hospital was right there by the shrine," Kame says. "If I'd left five minutes earlier-"
"The knife would've been in your chest, not Satou's," Jin says. "We knew Kage was willing to kill. Now we know he's willing to kill a cop. Are we going to let him get away with that?"
"No." With a single word, Kame manages to lower the temperature in the room to below freezing. He meets Jin's gaze and holds it with a cold, fierce intensity that makes Jin glad he's not actually in this drama. The silence lingers on...
...And that's when he realises Kame has no clue what the final line is. He'd been doing so well, too.
"We take?" Jin prompts, and Kame quickly picks up the thread.
"We take care of our own."
The smile he gives Jin is Kage's, not Nishikawa's: teeth like knives, sharp enough to kill. The notes on the script say Tamai responds in kind, but when Jin does, it's less the smile of a co-conspirator and more that of someone who's just realised his boyfriend is kind of hot when he's dangerous. Kame really should've started playing villains years ago, Jin decides.
Then the shadow disappears, leaving Kamenashi Kazuya, anxious professional, trying to peek at the script without letting on that he's doing it. Jin deliberately curls it away so he can't see.
"Please tell me that was the end?"
"Don't break character," Jin says. "You've got another page to go. Don't tell me you've forgotten the rest of your lines?"
Kame's face freezes in horror until he realises Jin is only teasing. He steals the script back and hits Jin with the rolled-up pages until Jin puts up his hands and admits that Kame did pretty well, right up to the end.
"And you have a killer smile," Jin adds. "By which I mean I would totally take you seriously as a knife-wielding murderer."
"Kage's a thief," Kame says. "All the deaths are sort of incidental."
Not much comfort to the families of the victims, but true. Kame's been keeping count. Kage's never planned to kill anyone, mostly because it increases the risk of him being caught and because he can never guarantee when he's going to have control over the body he shares with Nishikawa Hikaru, but there have been a few occasions where he's had to do so to save himself. Museum guards, a shopkeeper with the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and finally one of the police officers assigned to his capture. The last thing Kage can afford is to have Shadow Unit discover his identity; had Satou not seen his face, the poor man might've survived till the end of the series.
Kame wonders, occasionally, if it's a bad thing to derive so much pleasure from playing a character like Kage. Kage's not perfect - could be, if he didn't have Nishikawa dragging him down - but that's what makes him intriguing to Kame. There's a constant state of flux - two characters in a single body, influencing each other with every second that passes - and Kame loves that he can vary his performance each time. He's not playing some cardboard cut-out hero, he's not playing an angsty romantic lead with parent issues. This is a role he can fly to the stars and back.
Nishikawa doesn't know about himself, yet. Kame doesn't know what's going to happen in the final few episodes but he's been told Tamai finds out first. It ought to be excruciating. Kame just hopes it doesn't end with a suicide. He wouldn't put it past Nishikawa to do the honourable thing and forcibly do away with his shadow self.
On the other hand, Nishikawa may have changed so much by the end that he's able to live with it. In which case, Tamai will be the loose end. Kame's looking forward to a few good showdowns between himself and Meisa. She's an old hand at making the sparks fly.
"This series isn't going to have a happy ending, is it?" Jin asks.
All Kame can do is shrug his shoulders. "Probably not. One of my characters thinks he's losing his edge right now, and the other one thinks he's losing his mind."
"Been there; done that."
Jin still sounds bitter, but Kame's fairly certain he doesn't believe he's going crazy anymore. He can understand why, though. It's hard to keep living day to day when you feel like an uninvited guest in your own body sometimes. Jin's not good at describing how he feels and Kame's not skilled enough to coax the words from him, but he's getting better at recognising when Jin's unsettled.
He just doesn't know how to fix it.
"Your mind is just fine where it is," he says, brushing aside bangs to plant a kiss right in the centre of Jin's forehead. "Not lost at all."
"Most days." It's all the agreement Jin's willing to give. It's true that he no longer feels like he's drowning; a strange, solitary creature being sucked down by a whirlpool of weirdness when he'd once sailed the seas of normality. If he ever feels himself slipping, Kame's right there to remind him he's not alone, not doing anything wrong. Jin can't even begin to put a value on that.
On the other hand, there are days when Jin's so at war with himself he can't talk to anyone about his feelings, not even Kame. He's learned to accept, now, that this is who he is, but acceptance doesn't make it any easier to deal with walking this tightrope.
"How about today?" Kame says, teasing. "Where's your mind today?"
Jin teases right back, more than willing to be lured away from the fringe. "On Nakamaru, of course. Don't you think he's become really good-looking this year?"
That earns him another whack with the script. "Oi, you're not supposed to be complimenting other men when you're snuggled up on my couch! Although..."
It alarms Jin when Kame trails off wih a speculative look. "You're not about to tell me you think he's gorgeous, are you? Because I was just kidding."
"I know," Kame says, "but I was wondering what you really think."
"About Nakamaru?"
"About men in general."
"Same as ever, I guess." Jin scratches his neck, suddenly awkward. He has an idea where this is going. Maybe Kame and Yamapi have been talking behind his back again.
Kame laughs and leans to the side so his head lies on Jin's shoulder. "Sorry; it was a stupid question."
"Not so stupid. I mean, if you'd told me a year ago we'd be making out on your couch, I'd have laughed at you."
"Yeah, about that..." The deep, dark velvet in Kame's voice tells Jin they're done reading lines for the night. "I'd probably have laughed too, but for different reasons.
"Or maybe the same one. It's got to be weirder for you than it is for me."
Jin's not so sure. "I think this is plenty strange for both of us."
"In my line of work I find it more strange when a man isn't in make-up."
"I'm not talking about the make-up. It's...well...everything else."
"We'll figure it out." Kame speaks with such confidence, Jin can't help believing him. "Whatever you need from me, it's fine."
"Don't." Jin can't pull away because Kame's leaning on him, but he shudders and that makes Kame move anyway. "Don't make this all about what I want, what I need. I'm not your charity case, Kame."
"I know that, but-"
"I'm not convinced you do!" It surprises Jin, this small seed of resentment that has apparently been planted somewhere inside and is now blooming as he speaks. He's not angry, exactly, but if he doesn't get this off his chest now, he never will, and then everything will be wrong between them. They've always worked so well together because they balance each other out, both striving for the same thing in opposite ways, and Jin doesn't want to lose that equality now. "You're allowed to think about yourself too, you know. You deserve to have what you want - I'm not some orphaned toddler, or a porcelain doll sitting on your shelf! You've spent so long convincing yourself I'm off-limits that half of you still believes it."
Kame sits up straighter, stares at Jin in disbelief. "I'm trying to be considerate, okay? This is new territory for me too."
"I've never seen you do anything with a challenge except meet it head-on. You can do the same this time."
"I'm trying!"
"Then stop trying to plan every single detail and let yourself go for once!"
Jin expects Kame to yell back at him, or maybe to stand up and deliver a lecture through clenched teeth. What he doesn't expect is to find himself flattened against the back of the couch, Kame's knees either side of his thighs, Kame's hands tangling in his hair to keep him still, Kame's strawberry-stained lips pressing against his own. He doesn't object, though; on the contrary, the heat that suddenly flares in his belly suggests he's quite enjoying himself.
"Better?" Kame asks, pulling back just enough that the two of them can see each other without going cross-eyed.
"Much better." Jin locks his arms around Kame's back, just in case there's any doubt, and says, "More."
"I thought I was supposed to be ignoring your needs?"
"Not when they match yours." Jin gasps, tries to catch a breath when Kame's fingers brush his collarbone. That's one need he definitely doesn't have. "Hey!"
"Sorry, sorry."
Kame's verbal apology pales in comparison with his physical one, which involves a lengthy exploration of every inch of exposed skin he can find, hands and mouth working together to map out those tiny hollows into which a curious tongue might dip, or those smooth, flat plains just begging to be marked. Jin's right, Kame thinks. He's not off-limits now. Kame doesn't have to watch his step, watch his every move for fear of giving himself away, the way he's had to do for years. He can touch freely now. Jin's offering this because he wants to, not because he thinks Kame's owed it, because he thinks this is payment for all the support and encouragement he's received. What can Kame do but graciously accept?
It's better with Jin, he thinks, even if it's complicated. He's been with men before who assume that because he's short and lightly built, he'll let them lead. Not many, because he's careful about his encounters, and most people who know him well enough to know his preferences also know how much he enjoys being in control in all aspects of his life, but enough that he's become adept in persuading them otherwise. It doesn't look like he'll have to do that with Jin, who encourages him with light, subtle touches; a nudge here or there when he wants something, nothing overt.
It's a while before Jin really warms up to it, with slow, languid responses that Kame could mistake for laziness if he didn't know better. The initial flash of urgency is gone now. Kame wriggles out of his flannel shirt, tempted to do the same with the T-shirt below before he passes out from the rising temperature. Jin's already flushed - but then, anyone would be, if they had Kame testing out dance moves on their lap.
"I think I know this routine," Jin says, giggling.
"You should; it's one of yours." Kame hums a few bars of 'Pinky'.
"Now all I need is Koki in a skirt and high heels." Jin pulls a face. "Or maybe not. I think he'd ruin the mood."
"Would I be an acceptable substitute?"
"Huh?"
It takes Jin a moment to realise what Kame's getting at; the penny doesn't drop until Kame slides off the couch and grins up at him from the floor, one hand on each of Jin's knees. This is new: not to Jin, nor to Kame, but to the two of them together.
Jin swallows thickly, wondering what might have happened between them on the stage if it had been Kame in the skirt and wig. "Yeah...I think you'll do."
-----
Kame's mouth proves to be no less skilled than his hands, not that Jin ever doubted it, and it's not so weird to think he's with a guy when it's Kame's eyes sparkling up at him from beneath dark, tousled bangs. It's almost hotter with Kame, actually, because Jin knows he's with someone who's spent so long wanting him, who knows him as well as he knows himself - better, in some ways - and likes him for himself, not because he's a celebrity.
It doesn't take long, because Jin's been working up to this all evening and he's got no reason to hold back. He can't reciprocate in kind, not yet, but Kame makes it clear he's not expecting anything in return and seems pleasantly surprised when one of Jin's hands works its way inside his pants. Pleasant surprise gives way to gasping enthusiasm, followed by heavy, sleepy contentment, Kame's muscles slack and relaxed, breath slowly evening out as he comes back to himself.
Jin's still learning his way around, not quite accustomed yet to how different this thing with Kame is from every other relationship he's had in his life. Different parts, for one thing. If going down on girls comes easy to him, he can't say the same for guys. He'll get there, he's sure, but for the moment he's still trying to wrap his mind around the notion. It helps that he can see Kame now. The lounge lights hide nothing; although Kame's still mostly dressed, it's all too obvious that he's male, and Jin doesn't get that weird, disconnected feeling where he can't tell who he's with or what he's doing with them.
Seems like Kame picks up on it too, because afterwards he says, "Does it make a difference, in the light?"
"Um..." Jin scratches his shoulder, not certain how to phrase his response. "Yeah. I mean, I like being able to see you. Not just...you know...when you come, but so I know...that it's you, I guess. That I'm not with a girl this time, so things are different, and..." He trails off, because Kame looks confused and that's not good because Kame needs to be sure.
"Jin, is it...is it a problem for you, that I'm male?" Kame says, slow and cautious. "It's okay if it is - I mean, not okay, but-"
"It is not a problem," Jin says firmly, punctuating his declaration with a kiss that leaves them both breathless. When they separate, he continues, "I said it was going to take me some time to get used to it, and it is. But I am. Uh...it's you."
Kame's grin turns impish. "Yep, it's me, unless you'd prefer to be making out with a stranger on my couch. I could probably accommodate you, if you were into that."
"I'd rather know who I'm with, thanks."
"Even when it's with someone who's not a girl? I'm not operating under any illusions here, Jin." Kame slips into serious speech mode; Jin can tell because he looks like he's about to deliver a lecture for the camera. "Realising that you're transgender doesn't mean your preferences have suddenly changed. If you'd shown any serious interest in men before - more than casual flirting - I wouldn't have been so surprised."
The casual flirting's always been there, a consequence of growing up in an industry where hordes of women pay good money for fanservice, but some of it, Jin realises now, is down to trying to get men to see him differently. Sometimes it works for him. Older male directors love his "beautiful vulnerability": the more messed up and ethereal he looked while filming BANDAGE, the more Kobayashi-san liked it.
"It's not like I'd never thought about it," he admits. "I think everyone who goes through Johnny's does, sooner or later. It's like a rite of passage or something. First sequinned jumpsuit, first lipstick, first time you get paid to snuggle up with another guy and come out of it feeling a little weird.
"And we do know an awful lot of beautiful people."
"Some of them, not so much without the make-up," Kame says, laughing and pointing to his own face. He's not wearing any now, of course, and he's got the beginnings of a spot forming on one cheek that will be covered for the camera, but Jin thinks he's gorgeous anyway. The natural look suits Kame best, happy in his own skin.
"You don't need the make-up," Jin says. "You're pretty enough without it."
"Pretty like a girl?" Kame raises an eyebrow. "Is that why?"
"That's what Yamapi thinks."
"He knows?"
Oops. "He...uh...he guessed," Jin says. "I couldn't lie to him. Is it okay?"
"I'm glad, actually. It's not something you should have to hide from your best friend. He asked me about it a while ago and I didn't have anything to tell him, but now..." Kame shrugs. "If he knows, there are probably some other people we should tell."
Jin knows who he means. "I'd be surprised if they haven't figured it out already."
"If they have, they haven't said anything," Kame says. "Valentine's Day is in a few weeks; I'd have expected some teasing by now."
"Maybe they're waiting till February starts. Then we'll get questions about who's making the chocolate."
Kame snorts. "If Pi thinks I'm girly enough to be your girlfriend, they'll probably assume it's me."
"You can cook," Jin points out. "That's why it should be you."
"Would you settle for a Valentine's curry?"
"Trying to spice up your love life?"
"Oh, I think with you in the picture, it's spicy enough already..."
"Valentine's Day isn't just for girls in America," Jin says. "But I still can't cook very well."
"That's okay. I didn't fall for you for your skills in the kitchen."
"I think it's safe to say no one has ever fallen for me for my skills in the kitchen."
"You can do more with your kitchen than just cook." Kame's eyes and voice both take a turn for the dreamy; Jin assumes he's recalling some fond memory. When Kame actually blushes, Jin assumes the memory involves more fondling than fondness, and nudges him in the ribs to snap him out of it. He'd really rather not take a trip down memory lane with Kame's exes.
"Show me sometime?" he suggests.
Kame shakes his head and laughs. "I don't think you'd appreciate the ice cubes."
The mere mention of ice has Jin shivering. He'd rather soak up the sun. "Forget I spoke."
"With Koki and the others, should we...?" It's unlike Kame to sound so hesitant, but this is something that affects both of them. It's not a decision he can make by himself.
The more people they tell, the more weirdness they'll have to deal with, Jin thinks. Especially from the people who know about him. Very few of his friends are familiar with the concept of tact. "After Valentine's Day," he says.
Part 2